topic Scrambled in Suicidal thoughts and self-harm

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Catie 08 — Mon, 04 May 2020 07:07:59 GMT

Hi. I am a survivor of childhood sexual assult and suffer with PTSD. I have been working really hard on my journey to wellness (seeing a psychologist, mindfulness, lots of self care etc) but some days I can't even think in a straight line, my head just feels scrambled. During my therapy I have become the master of avoidance and I over organise and plan for sessions before I go so that i take the safe way out and avoid the exposure therapy I should be doing. I don't even mean to do it but the instinct to protect myself is so strong. I'm a couple of days out from my next appointment so I'm thinking that's why I'm feeling so muddled but I feel that it's getting in the way of me making more progress during these sessions. Any suggestions on how to help in this situation??

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Rumples — Mon, 04 May 2020 10:11:22 GMT

Hi Catie 08 :0)

The very first - (BIG hug). Thank you so much for reaching out to us today, we know that it is not an easy thing to do. I'm so sorry to hear what you've been going through, it sounds like it's a really overwhelming and difficult time for you right now. But please know that you've come to a safe, non-judgemental space to express your thoughts and feelings, and I, along with our wonderful community is here to provide you with as much support, advice and conversation as you need.

I really would love you to reach out to 1800RESPECT, a 24/7 confidential information, counselling and support service which you can access via phone or webchat at 1800 737-732 or https://www.1800respect.org.au. Another option is the Beyond Blue Support Service. Our Support Service is available 24/7 by phone on 300 224-636 on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyongblue.org.au/getsupport.

Honestly, I truly believe you would benefit sooooooo much from engaging with one of the above.

Waiting to hear back from you.

Your friend - Rumples xxx

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Aaronsis — Mon, 04 May 2020 11:28:09 GMT

Hi Catie 08

I have no experience with sexual abuse and I am so very sorry as I have mentioned to you in another thread, that you have had to experience this horrific behavior, that as a result you suffer as an adult.

What I have experienced though is seeking professional help, mine was for grief and trying to process my brother's suicide. I too can totally relate to not being able to think in a straight line, thoughts are mashed and losing train of thought and worrying what I have forgotten, thinking about what I was going to say then having it lost, feeling frustrated and essentially the whole thing going to mud.

So I used to write, what I was thinking, things I wanted to talk about, feelings I was having, things I thought but thought I better not think...I just wrote it all. A few days before the session I could email these to my therapist. She would lead the session, I had no way then to avoid, as I didn't know which part she was going to focus on, she was always gentle and so very amazing and I felt like I got what I needed from the session, without the pressure, without avoiding and she too could see where I was placed as I had purged it all, sometimes so very much easier than talking but sure does fill in the gaps for the therapist.

I am not sure if this feels like something that could work for you or if emailing her is an option. You could ask?

I just know I am proud of you for reaching out, getting the healing you need and making a good life for you among what has been a truly horrendous crime. You are worth a beautiful life and you are taking control to do that. Sure it feels like a mess of mash sometimes, but I can say that I am still healing but I still write too...plus I have a dear friend to purge to ...it makes the world of difference.

All the very best for your session and I hope you can get something from my thoughts tonight.

Hugs Catie 08

Sarah

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Catie 08 — Mon, 04 May 2020 12:48:05 GMT

Hi Rumpled and Sarah, Thank you for taking the time to reply.

Rumpled- I appreciate your suggestion about using one of the support services but I'm totally worked up about talking to someone iv e been seeing for months so I'm not sure starting fresh with someone new is going to work??

Sarah-
I do love to write, I write all the time. It can certainly help but when I get this worked up its all jumbled up just like my mind.
I just went and had a warm bath to try and calm down and ended up in a anxiety attack.. I just wish it's wasn't so hard. I know that talking about it can't hurt me but the reflex to run is so strong. I know that if i can stick it out and it is all for the greater good but by going to therapy and avoiding the real work that needs to be done it makes me feel 10 times worse and I end up punishing myself for not doing what needs to be done. I'm really hard on myself. Throw working from home and home schooling my kids into the mix and it makes for a pretty exhausting time. #damnyoucovid

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Catie 08 — Mon, 04 May 2020 13:08:59 GMT

Sorry Rumples - auto correct 🥴

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Rumples — Mon, 04 May 2020 14:46:24 GMT

All good Catie 08 :0)

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Richie01 — Tue, 05 May 2020 02:14:08 GMT

Hi Catie 08,

Im so glad you have started a thread. It really is a big step especially for us who haved the life of silence.

The instinct you speak of, to protect yourself, god its a powerful one. I feel exactly the same way every time i even think about getting help. I pretty much convince myself that it isnt what i should be doing, that i cant face this even though i know i have to, that for everything good that will come, there is too much hurt to face. As you know, im only just getting started on this journey but i dont know if i told you i tried to once before. 10 years ago i was in therapy, i was seeing drs, CBT, i was admitted to a mental health hospital for months, i was doing all of the right things.... I felt exposed and as i was harder on me than anyone. I couldnt face the past, couldnt deal with people knowing, i didnt feel that i deserved to be happy and i couldnt see a life without my past so what did i do? What i always do, I ran Catie08. I ran and hid it for 10 years. Please dont run, if i hadnt, maybe i wouldnt be on this forum, maybe id be home with my kids, maybe i wouldnt have pushed everyone away. I dont know but i do know that because i did, because i was so good at procting the parts of me that i didnt want the world to see, so afraid to let go of everything that had got me through, i failed to protect the parts of me that make life so special. Maybe id still be having panic attacks and feeling guilty for considering spending time selfishly trying to come with myself too. Who knows. But i wouldnt be wondering what if.

If your scrambled, be scrambled.Its ok to be unsure, confused, cautions. Because when you have those moments where you are not, you realise you were protecting yourself. That our minds are not familiar with the concept of being ok with talking through our feelings and thoughts, with not being on guard, with not feeling alone. We have learned not to, or more correctly, were forced not to feel that.

Im with you in this, every time you feel alone, know that your not alone. We dont know each other but i think we understand each other in ways other people will never fathom.

Take care and definitely #damnyoucovid

Ive started writing again too, its been 10 years since i could and yeah, it gets jumbled up but so what. It is a picture of our thoughts, our mind trying to make sense of a senseless thing that has taken so much from us. If it made sense all of the time, then it wouldnt be honest.

Stay in touch.

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Catie 08 — Tue, 05 May 2020 05:26:23 GMT

Hi Richie01,
Thanks for commenting here. I like how you said that it's ok to be scrambled and it's ok for the writing to be jumbled.

That makes me smile.

I know I'm just freaking out about tomorrow's appointment I do this every time. I start to over think, over plan and worry about what we will talk about to the point that I forget to breath and have crippling anxiety.

I know we have spoken about running before and not telling everyone the whole story... I have been in and out of therapy for years but this is the first time I have really committed everything to this. It took for me to have a full breakdown before I realised that it had to stop and for it to work I had to be a completely open book. Last time I got like this I tried to tell one of my work mates, freaked out when I felt they knew too much and I wasn't in control and I quit my job and went where no one knew me. I don't want to run but it's so hard it hurts. I know if I can have a good (productive) therapy session tomorrow i will feel better but i know how hard i am on myself if it doesnt go well. Fingers crossed things go well.

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Richie01 — Tue, 05 May 2020 07:03:55 GMT

Hey,

One foot in front of the other right. Say what you can when you can and dont forget to pause and take a breath.

If your anything like me, you will always feel like you should have said or opened up more afterwards. It doesnt mean you didnt give it your all, speaking about it is more than you ever could do for so long. You have already gone further than your all used to be so dont be hard on yourself if you feel like it didnt go well. If ive learned anything, things generally didnt go as bad or unproductively as i thought they did after the storm in my head has had a chance to settle.

I know how much it hurts. If nothing else, know that i truly feel your pain. Running got you here, it has served its purpose as it did for me. We ran not knowing where the road ended, we didnt choose the turns along the way. The road has lead you here to tomorrows appointment and every productive appointment you will have after that. Think back, before the appointments, did you ever believe you would let yourself open up at all? Look how far you have come Catie 08, you are here now, on this forum, talking about fears that you would have run from in the past. If thats not progress, if thats not productive, then i dont know what is.

I too know what its like to open up, to feel like someone knows too much and to freak out. This is our life, this is what we know and how much effort does it take to keep it inside for all of those years? When we know that our deepest secret is out, when what we have hidden is no longer hidden, that is a feeling that pierces straight through us. As if a lifetimes work building a wall to protect ourselves has just come undone. But hey, your here, your putting your thoughts out there and guess what, your not running. Thats no small feat!!!

Keep writing, let the scrambled words make sense if to no one else other than yourself. Tomorrow will be a good day, your session will give you another piece to the puzzle, try to relax as best you can and take the time to breathe.

Let us know how how tomorrow goes. If you run out of thoughts or feel like you cant talk about something, talk about the new forum you are a part of, think about it being ok to have scrambled thoughts, that the words are allowed to be jumbled and smile.

Take care

Richard.

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Catie 08 — Tue, 05 May 2020 07:49:52 GMT

Thank you, thank you thank you.... if the kids weren't in the room now I would be bawling my eyes out. Thank you for getting it. I really feel that you JUST GET IT. I know youll know what I mean 😊.
Ill let you know what happens tomorrow.

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Richie01 — Tue, 05 May 2020 09:50:04 GMT

Definitely do. No matter how tomorrow goes, I’ll be here for you if you need to chat. The hardest part I always find is that if you have a good day or one that just wasn’t as good as you had hoped, there is no one to talk to about it. There are people who listen but they struggle to comprehend the emotions around our life. You always feel like you need to justify yourself or stop yourself from saying what you need to because they wouldn’t really get why you feel that way. Or simply ( most commonly) you can’t say it because for us, these things are too guarded. We see and feel things that they can’t. It’s just the reality of what growing up the way we were forced to has caused. You’ll never owe me an explanation or a thank you ok.
God I ramble on, I’m glad there is a cap on the length of the posts for everyone’s sake.

Just have a day tomorrow ok Catie o8. Don’t plan how it will go, just plan where you have to go. Take it as it comes and remember to hold onto the moments that make you smile, we forget those too often. As simple as it sounds, if we have something that makes us smile when we close our eyes and take a deep breath, even just one little moment that made the darkest clouds part and the weight lift free from our shoulders, that moment that made us smile makes the difference. They are hard to find some days, I know you get that 🙂

take care

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Catie 08 — Wed, 06 May 2020 01:17:12 GMT

So therapy went well today. I went in feeling quiet anxious but came out feeling calm. We didn't talk about any of the abuse stuff, instead we spoke about why I am so hard on myself and how I beat myself up for days on end if I feel that I've failed. It was good. I'm glad that this is the direction that therapy went today as 1 - it's exhausting neing so hard on myself and 2 - I felt that it was stopping me from moving forward.
We spoke about me spending time here in the forums and how I felt that it helped to support and be supported by people that have lived it. He said that if it helped to keep being a part of it but to also remember to talk to my family and friends for support. I think that was very good advice. Today i have come away from therapy feeling like i can breath - thank goodness!!

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Richie01 — Wed, 06 May 2020 06:08:47 GMT

Thats awesome news. Im happy for you that your session went well.

Good advice too, you need those close to you to understand as well. I can definitely see that this is a good extra support for you and if its helping you, ill be here for the good times and the not so good, i really do care, i see so much of myself in everything you express and i feel like even if we dont have the answers, we know the questions, we know what doesnt help and can talk without having to think of how to say it. I guess thats something i have felt through the chats we have had, that ive never had to think of what to say, it comes out and i know youll get it because i get it and ive never felt that. If that makes sense....

This is not about taking take the place of those you know. You really need them and as long as our conversations make a positive impact on your life and relationships with your friends and family, then lets keep it going. Dont make the mistakes i did, dont shut the ones close to you out while you still have the chance to let them know you.

Have a good afternoon and enjoy having had a positive day, im having a pretty rough one, its ok, gotta take the good with the bad i guess so ill leave it at that. Hearing your day went well really did put a smile on my face and makes me look at tomorrow in a light i wouldnt have a few days ago. Thanks for giving me that.

Take care and hope to hear from you again soon.

Richard

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Catie 08 — Wed, 06 May 2020 08:25:56 GMT

Thanks Richie01,

I'm not going anywhere, I've found our chats so helpful and yes, I do understand 😊.

I'm sorry to hear that your day has not been so great. If you want to chat, I'll keep an eye on your thread... even if your not sure exactly why today hasn't been great, I'm happy to listen if you need to try and work through it.

Catie 08

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Richie01 — Wed, 06 May 2020 09:31:55 GMT

Glad you feel that way. I find them really helpful too. I’ll post something there soon.

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Guest_1643 — Thu, 07 May 2020 14:16:31 GMT

hi Catie,

see your new here and just read through your thread. glad you had a productive therapy session, that is so great.
PTSD is really difficult, I suffer too and have only recently begun to deal with the trauma.

I related to a lot of what you write about your challenges keeping up the self-care. Why is it so hard???

I try go for coffee breaks, walks, and watch movies... when I started on the journey I was denying myself all those things, was always feeling i ddin't deserve anything nice.

I admire your efforts to keep taking care of you.

-Vanessa

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Catie 08 — Thu, 07 May 2020 22:46:07 GMT

Hi Vanessa,
I'm sorry to hear that you also suffer with PTSD but pleased to hear that you have also started your journey to wellness. Taking the leap into working through all the "stuff" is huge, its exhausting and scary but the self care certainly helps along the way. Its really important to make yourself a priority. Take care of you 😊, Catie08

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Guest_1643 — Fri, 08 May 2020 04:08:00 GMT

Thank you Catie that means a lot that you recognise and understand the value of starting the journey

I can't believe how much I relate to your posts - it's quite scary I could be writing some of them myself!

I am also very private about who I tell - I remember earlier this year I visited a friend and told her some stuff about what I'd gone through.I always feel terrible afterwards, scared they'll tell others, like some control is taken away from me. I've kept everything very private. I've been in therapy and managed to talk around and avoid as well.

Telling the truth isn't so easy for me and also finding the right person to tell....

Yes the journey is completely exhausting. Yes it has a lot of flashbacks and bumpy moments.

I do learn a lot through it though. Hope you're feeling good today after the therapy session. It sounds like you really benefited and I hope you continue to go strong with the therapist. I'll be getting some support on Monday from therapist and hope it goes okay, also.

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Catie 08 — Fri, 08 May 2020 06:34:48 GMT

Hi Vanessa, the one thing that stood out for me when I first started reading these forums is that people here can truly understand what this life is like. It's great to talk to family, friends and your psych but I often find you hear "I'm sorry that this happened to you" when what I had been waiting for was "i understand how you feel" and to truly believe that they ment it. That's what this community is for me anyway. Don't get me wrong, it's really important to still stay connected to the 'real' people in your life but this community now has a true place in my toolkit for getting me through my journey. I hope your therapy goes well on Monday. Catie08

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Guest_1643 — Sat, 09 May 2020 08:44:14 GMT

Hi Catie,

That is such a beautiful insight and very true.

Yes it is so precious for someone to understand the way you feel and to really be able to noramlise it and hold it.
It is something different to have support from people who truly get it.

It's also very relieving to not have to "pretend" to be well or to not be struggling - which I feel I often have to do in the world, sometimes subconsciously just to make others feel better, I don't want to weird them out with my stories or symptoms.

The first time I felt this relief and understanding that you mentioned was in hospital - to meet people who were on the same journey as me. I never imagined there were others out there!! ptsd can be very isolating.

You're right we are in a good position here to understand one another from lived experience