topic It’s been a long time in Suicidal thoughts and self-harm

It’s been a long time

Supermum — Sat, 18 Jul 2020 12:23:09 GMT

Hello all . It’s been a long time since I felt the need to post . I guess that’s a bad thing to feel the need again . I feel lost alone etc what’s the point .

It’s been a long time

Sophie_M — Sat, 18 Jul 2020 12:39:55 GMT

Hi Supermum,

We're so sorry to hear that you're feeling lost and alone at the moment, but we are glad that you have reached out again to our wonderful community here for support. This is a safe space to express yourself and our community is here to offer as much advice and conversation as you need.

Please know that help is always to you, and if you would like some extra support to talk through these feelings, the Beyond Blue Support Service is available to you, anytime, on 1300 22 4636 or you can get in touch with us on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST here: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport In addition to this, the counsellors at Lifeline and Suicide Call Back Service are always available to you during your most difficult moments:

Lifeline - 13 11 14 (online chat available 7pm-12am)
Suicide Call Back Service - 1300 659 467 (online chat available 24/7)

We hope that being part of this community can bring you some comfort and help you to feel a little less alone. Please feel free to keep checking back in and let us know how you are going when you feel up to it.

It’s been a long time

White_Rose — Sat, 18 Jul 2020 14:15:09 GMT

Hello Supermum

Welcome back even though your return is sad. Many of us here have experienced getting well and regaining our good mental health only to find down the track the bad 'stuff' has resurfaced. It does feel hard and not a little unfair. There has usually been a lot of hard work put in to start feeling good about ourselves.

It is the nature of mental unwellness unfortunately but do not despair. I have found when I slip back it is for a shorter time and the intervals between get longer. The new skin we have found can be a little tender and vulnerable to reminders about our various MI concerns.

You feel bad about the need to post and I agree. For me there is some shame because I am not strong enough to manage without props. That's not the way to see things. There is not shame in any illness and people with many physical illnesses do slip backwards at times. It feel as though something has come out of left field and slapped you round the face with a wet fish.

Where did it all come from and why now are some of the questions we ask. Well we can be triggered by events outside our control. It makes you remember parts of our lives we would rather forget. This is where we revisit our coping mechanisms learned in sessions with the therapist.

Can you remember how you felt when you first recognised something was wrong. I am guessing it took you entirely by surprise. After a few days doing anything except revisit our previous management processes is procrastination.. In a little while you will get out your notes and use these to start again. It can be a hard journey but when you go back to your first management options and explore them again I think you have a more than a tenuous hold on the dog. Memory can place a huge part in helping someone back on the road.

Are you thinking of harming yourself? Why did you stop? Was it because you started to feel better. Please start again and build on what you have already shown you can do. You know we are here to offer help and support. You have not told us what you problem is other than a need to vent. Please do so at any time.

Mary

It’s been a long time

Supermum — Sun, 19 Jul 2020 20:51:55 GMT

Hi Mary ,

Thank you for your post . Im not sure what has triggered me to feel so low again but I hope it is short lived. I know I have to be kind to myself and just except that it is how it has to be.

I stopped harming myself as I did start to feel better and less self loathing I guess. I allowed myself to forgive myself for all the guilt I felt. I feel like harming myself again . Those dark thoughts and feelings like a dripping tap. My children are my safety net although at times the impulsiveness to harm myself overrides that.

I haven’t spoken to my psychologist in a month and I know this will help if I do so that’s one thing I can put into action. i am angry with myself for feeling like this again...... and for taking medication I shouldn’t . To tempt death one day will backfire .

deep breaths ...

It’s been a long time

Supermum — Sun, 19 Jul 2020 20:53:07 GMT

Thank you Sophie I am very grateful for this forum that helped me so much last time .

It’s been a long time

Supermum — Fri, 24 Jul 2020 09:44:24 GMT

Hi ,

I’m not able to see my psychologist till next week and I tried to open up to my GP but the words wouldn’t come out. I have taken medication that I know I shouldn’t of taken in excess . I don’t know why I do this is it to punish myself or because I want help I don’t know . I feel pathetic and ungrateful for a life I should be happy for even with its stressors . I just need there to be a stop all this switch that was turned on 2 years ago. To be back to my old self .

It’s been a long time

monkey_magic — Fri, 24 Jul 2020 09:59:54 GMT

Hi Supermum,

I think you desperately want to feel better so taking meds is a way of trying to feel like your old self again.

I'd also like to feel like my old self again 😞

It's great that you went to the doctor. I know what you mean about the words not coming out.

Hopefully u feel free to open up to the psychologist which could be cathartic and a great help. If it's the right fit of course.

Can U make a promise that you won't take too much medication and hang in there until the psychologist appointment?

There are many people here who care and would love to see you feel much better than you do currently.

Always feel free to share more if it helps you.

💜

It’s been a long time

White_Rose — Fri, 24 Jul 2020 10:20:09 GMT

Hello Supermum

I am so sorry we have not responded earlier and that you are feeling so bad. I'm not entirely clear about the meds you have taken. Were these prescribed for your MH but you have taken more than you should or is it different meds you have taken? In the second instance, if you are not taking these meds as part of your treatment I suggest you return all of them to your local pharmacy and put one temptation out of reach. If it is meds you take daily can you give them to your partner/spouse to give you every day until these urges stop? It needs a determined effort to put means out of reach until you can manage yourself again. Please consider these options.

We all want a happy life and I think we do manage this a great deal of the time. It comes unstuck when we become overwhelmed or triggered by something that takes us back to the time when we were not coping. It does seem cruel and unfair. But it is life and we cope with it as best we can. Remind yourself that you got through this before and can do so again.Yes it's hard and we get fed up with carrying these burdens, putting them down and picking them up again.

Great news that you going to see your psychologist soon. I hope he/she can help you with strategies to manage this time. Have you looked at the Beyond Now planning tool? You can find it under Get Support at the top of the page. It's about suicide safety planning, what you can do to keep yourself safe. If your partner is able to help you complete this it will be easier. Two people working on the plan to decide what works best for you is extremely helpful. It may be something to discuss with your psychologist when you next meet.

Please keep in touch and let us know how you are going.

Mary

It’s been a long time

Balance — Fri, 24 Jul 2020 10:42:39 GMT

Hello Supermum,

You are not alone!!!

Many people care about you - myself included.

Try to be patient, it brings stability, bit by bit.

My own journey towards healing has always taken me

two steps forward and one steps back.

Have faith and lean on us your community.

Warm regards

It’s been a long time

Supermum — Sat, 25 Jul 2020 01:00:13 GMT

Thank you Mary . I’ve had a look through the support pages and they do help very much so . I have a safety plan but it doesnt involve my husband as I cannot let him know how I’ve been feeling and what I have done before.

I have my psychologist and GP that I confide in and this has helped for a while now to keep me bobbing along and I’m so mad at myself that I feel like this now .
I am so ashamed and disappointed . I am an embarrassment and don’t deserve the 3 children I do . These feelings and thoughts are just punishment I guess for being not good enough, not strong enough . Could I do that to my family . I don’t know anymore .

It’s been a long time

White_Rose — Sun, 26 Jul 2020 01:04:54 GMT

Hello Supermum

I think you are trying to live up to your BB avatar. It's virtually impossible to be a supermum. We are just ordinary people who have been hit by this horrible illness called depression. You did not want it and would get rid of it today is you could. It will take time and there will be times when you feel you are going backwards or standing still. It's a time to stop trying and just 'be'. I know I make it sound easy and it's not, but try anyway. Try some meditation or mindfulness. Both help to keep your mind focused on one thing and shut out the rest of the world.

Hiding your pain takes a lot of energy which you could use to get well again. How would you feel if your husband was unwell and did not tell you? Please do not shut him out of this dire part of your life. I know you feel shame and embarrassment. I felt the same and still do from time to time. What does it mean to be good enough? Good enough for what? Not strong? You've got to be kidding. No one gets this far without courage and strength. It's hard work both physically and mentally so give yourself a pat on the back instead of a clip round the ear.

Look how hard it was to make your first post here and how hard you need to work to hide all that pain from your husband. Please let him help you unless you feel he would not want to help. Your GP and psychologist care about you but cannot love you the way your husband does and this is the support you need now. You do not deserve any punishment. Depression happens to anyone rich or poor, married or single, man or woman, parent or not. One day we will know how this is triggered but not yet. Please believe me when I say it will go away, you will be free. There will be hard days, I'm not trying to paint a rosy picture to fool you. Get all the help you can. It will make a huge difference. Even posting here can make a difference.

I feel so strongly you can get well. I know the pain of depression the shame and the desire to escape. It's a bad place to be and I hope you can find your way out soon. Or at least find the road. Post in often if it helps.

Mary

It’s been a long time

Balance — Wed, 29 Jul 2020 11:51:17 GMT

Hello Supermum,

I was just re-reading your posts.

I do hope that things have moved on a bit for you after the doctor's visit.

In the journey through life and healing, my experience has always been to

walk 2 steps forward and 1 step back. Acceptance of this fact eases some tension.

Try to just live one day at a time!

I am so happy for you, that you have your children to look after.

From my own experience with depression, it was my children who gave me

the greatest motivation to get up in the morning.

I am very sorry life is hard for you at the moment.

Be strong, despite everything try to be grateful.

When you are in the midst of a problem it seems it will never end.

During those periods where I experienced depression, I was

very kind to myself. I believed deep inside, that the fog will lift one day ...

and it did. With my whole heart, I wish the same for you.

With warmest regards,

It’s been a long time

Balance — Sat, 01 Aug 2020 11:18:47 GMT

Hello Supermum,

just a little note to ask how you are doing?

I am thinking of you every day.

It’s been a long time

Supermum — Sat, 08 Aug 2020 17:11:46 GMT

I understand what you are saying .

I just can’t move forward and I don’t know how to stop these intrusive thoughts of harming myself . It’s relentless and I want it to stop so I numb myself with alcohol or by taking extra medications so I sleep and then the pain is paused just for a moment . I need help more than I am accessing . I need to reset without the shame

It’s been a long time

Sophie_M — Sat, 08 Aug 2020 17:34:31 GMT

Hi Supermum,

We're sorry to hear how much you're struggling at the moment with these intrusive thoughts. We can imagine living with these thoughts and feelings must be so overwhelming.

Our Support Service is trying to reach out to you via email as we are worried about you.
We hope you know that there is always help available to you.

We strongly urge that in overwhelming moments you get in touch with our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).

Please check in and let us know how you are whenever you feel up to it.

It’s been a long time

White_Rose — Sat, 08 Aug 2020 22:51:41 GMT

Dear Supermum

You darling girl, I grieve so much for you. These are words I do write lightly because I do ache for your unhappiness.

I have been where you are now, had similar thoughts but unlike you I tried to carry them out. I felt even more ashamed of myself than I had before, if that's possible. I understand how alcohol and pills can make you feel better for a short time. It is only for a short time and the thoughts come back worse than ever. Alcohol is a depressant that is harming you on several levels.

I think you need more help than you are getting. C an you ask your GP to refer you to a psychiatrist? Carry on seeing the psychologist. These two mental health professionals work in different ways and there is often a team of therapists working together. How often do you see the psychologist? I don't usually tell people what to do but I really urge you to see a psychiatrist at least once a week. There was a time when I saw a psychiatrist twice a week and I needed it.

Most of the fees are covered by Medicare so it will not be too expensive. Please add this person to your team. He/she can prescribe medication for you and they are experts in this field. It may help changing meds but I do not know this. Just wondering. Do you get any side effects from the meds?

I know it's another person to talk to but it will be of great benefit to you. Please try. I am concerned about you and I do not want you to go down my road. That's not a good place to be. Get as much help as you can and post in here to get support and help.

Mary

It’s been a long time

Supermum — Sun, 15 Nov 2020 00:30:44 GMT

Hello again . I just feel so empty, everything takes effort and I just don’t want to do this anymore. Even the effort to talk to people is too much. I cancelled my appointment with my psychologist as I just don’t want to talk anymore. I just want to be by myself alone. 😔