topic Struggling at work in Suicidal thoughts and self-harm

Struggling at work

Keira2 — Wed, 08 Jul 2020 10:32:18 GMT

Hi,

So this is what is going on: In late 2017 my colleague resigned. We had both worked together on a particular job, and when she resigned they didn't get a replacement for a year so I was doing the job that used to be done by 2 people on my own. I went downhill very quickly under the workload, working crazy hours including some 16 hour shifts occasionally. I don't think people showed understanding that the job used to be done by 2 people and it seemed I couldn't do it well enough, the environment started to feel bad. Then when they finally did get someone in to help I had problems with her. I was still working really long hours, and it was really upsetting me to see her spending a really large portion of her day chatting and even taking 1.5 hour lunch break. I eventually began to show my annoyance and then things got even worse and everyone at work pretty much hates me. Things have been bad at work now for about 3 years. I am struggling very badly when I am at work with negative feelings. The feelings are so bad I think I need to end the pain and I am starting to plan that. The workload has decreased due to Coronavirus but I am struggling mentally and I can't get out of it. And before this so many things have gone wrong, it feels like everywhere I go people hate me and look down on me, I wouldn't even have the guts to reply to any ones posts as I would just think the person would think badly of me / what I say.

Struggling at work

Sophie_M — Wed, 08 Jul 2020 10:39:37 GMT

Hi Keira2,

Welcome to the forums and thank you for sharing your struggle with us here. It sounds like you're really trying to manage with some difficult work challenges and find yourself thinking about the negative feelings you are experiencing. Please know that you are not alone in this time and that there is support available to you. We’re available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636. Our friends at LifeLine (13 11 14) and Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467) are also there anytime of the day or night.

We hope that our wonderful community can also offer some support to you but in the meantime, we have sent you a private message and hope to hear from you soon.

Struggling at work

smallwolf — Wed, 08 Jul 2020 11:58:58 GMT

Hi Keira2,

firstly it takes courage and strength to post here and share your story. The people here are supportive and non-judgemental. So please do not think anyone would think badly of you - nobody would know what it is like you you unless they walked in your shoes.

I will tell you a little of my story... I used to work from home for too many years as a software developer. Over this time people would quit or resign for whatever reasons. My workload also increased. The way I coped with that was working more hours than I should have. But when you work from home the work/home boundary blurs. I also had to deal with the customers whose issues could not be solved by support as well. And I had to coping strategies. Internally the environment could be toxic and outside it typically was.

Recently, I was watching a video on YouTube - the person was talking what to do when in toxic work situations. She also acknowledged the current situation as well saying to get your resume up to date, searching out contacts, etc.

As for you mentally... I would suggest you have a chat with your GP about your thoughts and feelings and look for some sort of help - from friends, family or professionally. Your work should not make you question your value or life. (I also thought that nobody liked me either... when I talked to someone in my church community, someone told me how much I am loved.) Or mind plays cruel tricks on us.

I hope you will come back to share more of your story. Perhaps I can walk part of this journey with you?

Peace and comforting thoughts.

Tim

Struggling at work

sisu100 — Thu, 09 Jul 2020 00:52:30 GMT

Hi Keira2,

Thank you for reaching out and sharing your story, I know it must have taken a lot. Like smallwolf has said, this is a safe and supportive space- we will not judge or think badly of you. Instead, I’m sure many would appreciate hearing your input, so please do feel free to join in on other people’s posts if you feel up to it.

It sounds like you’ve been having some intense moments at work for the past few years and I’m so sorry to hear that you’ve been having such a difficult time. Ever since your colleague resigned, you’ve shouldered so responsibility to manage the workload all alone (even working ridiculously long hours to get things done) but it seems like your other colleagues didn’t seem to even appreciate your effort. Even when they did get someone else in, your situation hasn’t improved and this has taken a big toll on your wellbeing. It sounds like the negative feelings and environment at work have been really overwhelming and distressing for you. I’m hearing that you’re experiencing so much emotional pain you don't think you can cope, would that be right? I agree with smallwolf – work should not make you question your value or life. You are so strong and resilient to have put up with this for the past three years. Please do know you don’t have to deal with this on your own, we are here for you. We’re here to give you as much conversation and support as you need, so please don’t hesitate to reach out.

If you’re comfortable in sharing, how are you feeling today? I too would love to hear more of your story so please feel free to check in and let us know how you're going whenever you are up to it.

Struggling at work

Keira2 — Wed, 15 Jul 2020 10:17:23 GMT

Thanks Sophie_M, Tim and sisu100 for your replies, really appreciate it. It helps very much. Hope you are all well.

I don't feel great, I feel like it's best for me not to be here, but if I do anything that messes things up for my mum and sisters. It is torturous. It feels disgusting, my life is such a mess.

Struggling at work

smallwolf — Wed, 15 Jul 2020 12:06:36 GMT

What makes it feels disgusting?

That might not be the word it I use for my situation... In my early regardless of how hard I tried it was never good enough. And this is something that happened in my work life as well. With any mistakes I made I would go back into my younger self of "see you are not good enough. what they said is true" etc.

While you might have shown your annoyance, I kept it inside. Growing.

Talking with my psychologist I find ways of handling these situations better.

Sorry to hear you do not feel great still. There are ways you can find a way to move forward, even if slowly. And if can steal a line from my psych.... it is about rewiring how our mind thinks.

Listening to you,

Tim

Struggling at work

sisu100 — Thu, 16 Jul 2020 00:14:58 GMT

Hi Keira2,

Thank you for checking in with us, it must have been tough to do so, given everything that is going on at the moment. I’m so sorry to hear that you’re experiencing such negative feelings. It sounds like things are really tough and overwhelming at the moment. Please know that you don’t have to do this alone, we are here to work through this difficult time with you. If you would like to post further, please feel free to tell us more about what's on your mind and how we can best help you get through this.

Struggling at work

Keira2 — Fri, 17 Jul 2020 08:50:46 GMT

When I am at work, I feel so bad, I just want to end the pain. Not coping at all, can't concentrate or do my job any more. Don't think I can keep doing this much longer.

Struggling at work

Sophie_M — Fri, 17 Jul 2020 09:03:08 GMT

Hey Keira, thanks for continuing to share your story here with us on the forums. We're so sorry to hear how upset you are, it sounds like you're going through a lot of painful emotions right now. Please know our community is here to get you through this difficult period. How can we best support you here on the forums? What are some of the thoughts going through your mind at the moment? We're here to listen.

Our Support Service is trying to reach out to you via email as we are worried about you. We hope you know that there is always help available to you, whether it's from our professional mental health counsellors Beyond Blue (available 24/7/365 on 1300 22 4636) or our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).

Please keep checking in with us.

Struggling at work

Pumba293 — Fri, 17 Jul 2020 09:12:03 GMT

Dear Keira2,

Keira2 said:When I am at work, I feel so bad, I just want to end the pain. Not coping at all, can't concentrate or do my job any more. Don't think I can keep doing this much longer.

It must be so difficult for you to feel all these heavy things, especially when it seems like the world is against you. I'm so proud of you for being here, for taking the effort and for breathing. It's tough work carrying the workload as your own, since it is quite literally double the work you are capable of. Don't beat yourself up over it. You are doing the best you can with the tools you've been offered.

I understand a little about how guilt or shame may plague you once you've started to lose focus at work and motivation seems hopeless, but I want you to know there is more to this life, if you give it a chance. Your mental health comes first, always, remember that. Please don't ever feel disgusted or that it's best for you to not be here. Nobody who knows you truly would judge you by your outer efforts. Your job forced you to bite off more than you can chew, and that's not okay. You're human, so please be more kind towards yourself, no matter how difficult it gets.

I keep a jar filled with sticky notes of all the things that made me happy, I'd write on a sticky note any time something good happened, like my favourite TV show got a new season or I ate my favourite food today. Maybe finding a way to incorporate something similar at work will help you get through the day a bit easier.

Stay safe,

Pumba

Struggling at work

Obsessed — Fri, 17 Jul 2020 09:50:33 GMT

Hi Keira2.

Its great you have reached out for help in this forum.It is the first step help you on your path of recovery.

My story is much the same, when I was going down the path of wanting and planing my departure from this world all I wanted to do is to get rid of the pain in my head. I though I was the only person who suffered, I though now one cared about me. I was scared to open up to people because I thought they would think I was weak.Yes there was a few people I opened up to had glazed eyes and when that happened I just stopped. However I know who my friends are because when I did open up they came around to my place to help me. I thought I had a lot of friends in reality I have five good friends that I can openly speak to.

In the time when I was in a big deep hole i would exersize a lot, do yoga a lot, meditate a lot every week I would do all these on different days. This allowed me to cope with my yin/yang in my head and to cope with bullies at work.

In 2016 when I hit rock bottom it was suggested for me to go to the GP to get medication. I rejected the idea because I thought it was a sign of weakness. I was a typical male. she'll be right I'll build a bridge and get over it.That never happened and for four years with depression and anxiety. three months about after 6 months of depression I finally decided to go to the GP for help.

ITS the best thing I did. My whole family has seen a big difference. They all say I am a lot happier now.

The medication will not cure the medication BUT what I have now found I can cope with difficult situations a lot better, Meaning my anxiety when confronted at work or if some one ask me a difficult question instead of breaking out in a sweat and shaking life a leaf in a hurricane I can keep myself under more control. I will be on my medication for as long as I can.

The point of all this don't be afraid for medication to help you and don't be afraid to ask a pychologis for help to get though this difficult time.

Look after yourself and continue to reach out for help.

Phil

Struggling at work

sisu100 — Fri, 17 Jul 2020 13:47:00 GMT

Hi Keira2,

Thank you for continuing to reach out, I really appreciate that you are continuing to connect with us as I know it can be really hard to be so honest and open with your feelings in times like these. It's very brave and important that you have done so and I want you to know that we’re here to provide you with as much support as you need.

I’m so sorry to hear that work has still not been going well. It sounds like it’s gotten to a point where it’s become overwhelming and unbearable for you to even be at work. When experiencing such hopelessness, I imagine that even turning up for work must feel daunting or even impossible right now. I want to say that you are so strong and resilient to have put up with the conditions you are working in for as long as you have. Your job seems to have made you feel isolated and worthless and that’s so far from the truth- you are so much for than that and you deserve so much better. I’m wondering if there’s any possibility that you might be able to take some time off from work, even just for a short period, just to give yourself a bit of a break away from such a negative environment?

I can really hear your pain through your posts, and I’m so sorry that you’re going through such a difficult time right now. No one should have to face such dark moments alone. If you're struggling to hold on to hope, please remember that we are here for you. As you can see on this thread, many people here care about you and are here listen and help you through this. You can always talk about whatever's on your mind, and we'll be here to support you every step of the way. Please do check in whenever you’re up to it, we’d all love to hear from you.

Struggling at work

Keira2 — Sat, 18 Jul 2020 00:52:23 GMT

Thank you Sophie, replying is helpful right now, appreciate it.

Struggling at work

Keira2 — Sat, 18 Jul 2020 01:01:26 GMT

Thank you all for your replies, means a lot. I have been on a medication for many years now, but asked to try something new so have started on a new one about a week ago. Does anyone know if you can get a medical certificate for depression if it becomes absolutely necessary?

Struggling at work

smallwolf — Sat, 18 Jul 2020 03:45:24 GMT

I cannot really answer your question myself - it would be something between you and your GP. Please have a look at the link(s) below. They might be helpful...

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/anxiety/medical-certificate-for-anxiety-

https://www.healthshare.com.au/questions/45040-what-can-i-do-if-i-need-time-off-because-of-my-depression/

Struggling at work

sisu100 — Mon, 20 Jul 2020 01:36:38 GMT

Hi Keira2,

Just wanted to check in to see how you're going. How are you feeling today?

You mentioned that you are trying a new medication- how are you finding it so far?

I hope you found the links smallwolf shared to be helpful. Please do feel free to let us know how you're travelling whenever you feel up to it.

Struggling at work

Pumba293 — Mon, 20 Jul 2020 03:44:42 GMT

Hey Keira2,

I wanted to check in as well to see how you're doing. How are you finding the new medication?

I also hope the links that smallwolf provided were helpful as well. I also wanted to say thank you for replying to my own thread, it meant a lot to me to hear from you. Take your time and let us know how things are going when you're feeling up to it. You're going to be just fine.

Kind regards,

Pumba

Struggling at work

Keira2 — Mon, 20 Jul 2020 11:11:38 GMT

Hi Smallwolf, Sisu100 and Pumba293,

Thank you all very much for your replies, it really does mean a lot. And thank you Pumba293 for thanking me for replying to your post. I am very shy, it helps with the confidence.

Saturday I didn't do very much as not feeling that great. Then Sunday I pushed myself and got quite a few things done as I recently moved house, so that felt good at least I achieved something.

Today at work I did still have some bad feelings but it wasn't overwhelming and it wasn't like some other days where I wish I could just run out of the place and end things. So maybe the medication is hopefully starting to help.

Hope you are all well.

Struggling at work

sisu100 — Wed, 22 Jul 2020 00:36:01 GMT

Hi Keira2,

It sounds like you had a very productive day on Sunday! Can't say the same about me, I think I spent a bit too much time on Netflix over the weekend! I think it's so amazing that you went and pushed yourself to get things done. I know how low you've been feeling lately, so I imagine that it must have been difficult. I think you deserve a big pat on the back for doing this and it honestly makes me so happy to hear that it's helped you feel good 🙂 How has the move been so far? I imagine there's a lot of things to organise and set up.

I'm so glad to hear that work hasn't been as overwhelming as previously, and I hope the bad feelings continue to improve. Are you finding it the same at work today?

Just also wanted to say, it warms my heart to see you and Pumba293 connecting and supporting each other in your threads 🙂

Struggling at work

Keira2 — Mon, 17 Aug 2020 11:21:26 GMT

Thank you all so much for your replies, it really meant a lot. I thought the way I was feeling was due to the situation and nothing could stop me feeling like that, but when I take a high dose of the new medication, it really works and I feel so much better. I was really shocked by this. It's definitely worth trying out new medications and doses if your current one isn't helping that much. I wish I knew this sooner.

Thank you Sisu100 and Pumba for checking in on me. I do have quite a lot to sort out with the move and coronavirus will slow things down a bit, but the worst stuff is definitely over. It is my own house this time (bought my first house) so it's good to go slowly and not spend too much money at once. Thank you Pumba for your suggestion of the sticky notes in the jar. I am kind of doing a version of that by trying to make sure I do something enjoyable each day (usually food) and I will have to try to keep the work hours reasonable, which they are right now. I hope you are going ok with your situation, I will have a look for your thread.