topic Mixed feelings in Suicidal thoughts and self-harm

Mixed feelings

Guest_4593 — Thu, 02 Jul 2020 11:36:28 GMT

I promised myself i would stay off this and i would stop talking about how im feeling, but im just so overwhelmed right now, i can feel my anger boiling over right now even though half hour ago i was crying, i cant explain it but i just wanna physically hurt right now.. and i should just get a diary instead of writing on here but it helps me to write and feel like someone is actually, not listening but knows how i feel even though i don't no anyone
I dont wanna deal with this anymore and i dont know what to do about it . Im actually scared because i dont wanna hurt anymore but i dont wanna make anybody else hurt either

Mixed feelings

Sophie_M — Thu, 02 Jul 2020 12:04:30 GMT

Hi Nic1233,

Thanks for reaching out and expressing how you're feeling tonight. We are so sorry to hear how overwhelmed you're feeling right now, but please know that our wonderful community are here to give you as much support, advice and conversation as you need. We are also currently getting in touch with you through email as we are worried about you.

You're never alone in this, and if you would like some extra support to talk through these feelings, the Beyond Blue Support Service is available to you, anytime, on 1300 22 4636 or you can get in touch with us on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST here: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport

In addition to this, the counsellors at Lifeline and Suicide Call Back Service are always available via phone for your most difficult moments:

Lifeline - 13 11 14 (online chat available 7pm-12am)
Suicide Call Back Service - 1300 659 467 (online chat available 24/7)

However, if you find yourself in a situation where you become in danger, this is an emergency and you should call 000 (triple zero) straightaway.

We hope that being part of this community can bring you some comfort and help you to feel a little less alone. Please feel free to keep checking back in and let us know how you are going, whenever you feel up to it.

Mixed feelings

Aaronsis — Thu, 02 Jul 2020 12:21:03 GMT

Hi Nic1233

Can I start with a question? Can I ask why you made a promise to stay off here? There are people who care very much and who want to support you through times when you do feel so overwhelmed.. when you are crying and when you are just exhausted and don’t want to deal with these feelings and emotions anymore. Can I say how proud I am of you, that you have come to chat and to reach out.. when I am sure it could be very easy to stay in that space. Does reaching out here talking help? I really hope so and I hope u continue to do so.

writing is wonderful but I think writing here too is so great as you will get a reply, and not because we have to but because we want to, because we care.

Would you consider putting a call in to one of the support lines that Sophie_M has given? To talk this out and see if it helps?

Do you have someone who is with you tonight, someone with whom you can even just sit, just to have some company?

I hope to chat to you some more... I am so proud of your strength to reach out tonight.. even if it is something you cannot see or feel.. you are strong.

hugs to you

Sarah

Mixed feelings

Guest_4593 — Tue, 07 Jul 2020 11:34:52 GMT

I promised myself i would stay off because when things get bad i drink when i drink i rant and
it makes me feel worse, when i wake up in the morning i feel ashamed and despite me just knowing i did it because i wanted to speak and be helped i feel asking for help as shame .
Now iv got what i think is ( all the symptoms and online test supports) anxiety depression and a alcohol addiction.
I feel like i have done this to myself, that its my fault my life is unbearable and meaningless and my thoughts and feelings over the last 4-5 months are worse everyday and like nothing i have ever felt before despite never been happy , and its my fault i have brought this on myself by drinking my problems away
now not only do i have a drinking problem but mental illness. How am i worth helping when i cant help myself..

Mixed feelings

Sophie_M — Tue, 07 Jul 2020 11:55:00 GMT

Hey Nic, thanks for continuing to reach out here on the forums. We're so sorry to hear how difficult things have become over the last 5 months. It sounds like things are especially difficult for you at this time. We want you to know we're here to provide you with as much support, advice and conversation as you need.
Our Support Service is trying to reach out to you via email as we are worried about you.
We hope you know that there is always help available to you, whether it's from our professional mental health counsellors Beyond Blue (available 24/7/365 on 1300 22 4636) or our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).
Please check in and let us know how you are whenever you feel up to it.

Mixed feelings

Ggrand — Tue, 07 Jul 2020 12:36:27 GMT

Hello Nic...

Please don’t feel shame to ask for help...I know it takes a lot of inner strength to ask for help..everyone is worth being helped..

Is it possible that you can book an appointment with your gp.and let them know exactly how your feeling and thinking..Your gp will more likely ask you a few questions concerning your mental health, then he/she will get you started on a mental health care plan..to help you towards feeling better.... I really do hope you will consider booking an appointment and talking to them...

Im pleased you’re here on BB...The amazing people here have been so kind and supportive to me...being here and talking things over with other people really does help..to not feel so alone....So please dear Nic..do continue to post here when/if you want to....I’m listening and I’m vertain many others are as well...

Its okay to cry Nic..it’s about the only way that the deep hurt can release itself from our souls....

Do you have any hobbies, that you like to do....that might help to ground you when your minds very chatty?..

I like listening to sleep stories on you tube when I’m trying to sleep..If I listen hard...it does calm my thoughts making it easier to sleep...

Its not your fault Nic..that you have depression/anxiety etc..They don’t choose you..and you didn’t choose them...It’s a chemical imbalance and no one really knows why it happens in some people and not others...Nic, their is no shame having mh problems..and with some hard work from us, help from a Dr. or psych..it can be managed..

Take good care of you Nic...Looking forward to hearing from you again...no pressure..

Sending you my care, kind thoughts and some hugs.🕊🦋🤗.

Grandy..

Mixed feelings

Guest_4593 — Tue, 07 Jul 2020 17:14:06 GMT

Im numb,..uncaring, unwanted, irelavent, and constantly being told i dont belong. (Take a step back from the forum's) .also....what im i fighting so hard for

Mixed feelings

geoff — Tue, 07 Jul 2020 20:11:12 GMT

Hello Nic, it's good you have come back to the forums and realise that there can be periods when we don't want to do something but the urge can bring us back.

The same can happen when alcohol is involved, where you say to yourself that you've had enough but there's a craving to have 'one more'.

I know how this feels and thank Sophie_M, Sarah and Grandy for their comments and want you to feel comfortable coming back and talking with us.

I'd be very interested in your alcohol compulsion as I too used it for many different reasons while in depression and why I did, so we hope to hear back from you.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

Mixed feelings

White_Rose — Tue, 07 Jul 2020 21:36:23 GMT

Hello Nic

Coming here is not self indulgent as you appear to think. It is in fact a sensible option to choose. It's because you cannot manage on your own that you come here for help. Not necessary if you are helping yourself and have no problems. How am i worth helping when i cant help myself. You are most definitely worth helping. Everyone who is not coping deserves help and not being able to help yourself is the biggest reason.

Please continue to post here.

Mary

Mixed feelings

Aaronsis — Wed, 08 Jul 2020 00:12:48 GMT

Hi Nic1233

I am so glad that you are here, you are wanted here and we care very much about you, you are not irrelevant and we hear you and we see you. You are a person going through a rough time, you are allowed to do that, you are allowed to fall in a heap. It is how you pull yourself out of the heap that matters and we are here for you to help you and to support you with that.

I am not sure if you noticed this but you are so very in tune with your feelings and the process that happens when you drink too much, which as you say leads to a rant and that leads to you feeling bad about yourself. You do realize that you want to speak, you want to be heard and you want help, this is wonderful. You are allowed to rant Nic1233, you are allowed to get things off your chest, to get some clarity in your thinking. I am wondering if you come back to chat to us here more often and in times when you have not been drinking, to talk about how you are feeling and get some support, we are here for you and we care.

We see you as very much worth helping and I hope that you can feel the support that Grandy, Geoff and Mary too have sent your way....we are not paid to be here Nic1233, we are here because we want to be here, we want to talk to you and support you, we want you to know you matter and you are worth our time and our words.

Do you have something planned for today that may bring a smile to your face?

Hope to chat some more to you Nic1233

Huge hugs

Sarah

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Ggrand — Wed, 08 Jul 2020 00:53:50 GMT

Hello Nic...

You ask..what are you fighting so hard for...A question I’ve asked myself several times....and still do..

The answer is you, me, Aaronis, Geoff, Mary, and everyone else that gets to have the privilege of meeting you and getting to know you....

I stepped away from people, I have my one day volunteer work at a charity shop..and the three girls that work their are the only ones that I talk to..except for here...I have a massive distrust with people..So my reason for fighting so hard is the universe, the trees, clouds birds, sun, wind, rain,mountains,lakes,beach etc....These are what I’m fighting so hard for because they need me as much as I need them...You belong here Nic..no two ways about it..The people telling you that you don’t belong here...are not nice people at all...and their are plenty of them around....

I know you belong here in our amazing community, your a family member now..and I for one want to get to know you better...and offer my support, a listening ear..and some chatting with what ever you like to talk about...I’m looking forward to that so much....if that’s okay...

Through your words, I can hear you are very caring, because you say...you don’t want to hurt anyone....and definitely you are very significant because while your posting here, unawares to you, you are helping people who use this forum...

Nic..Is it possible for you to speak to your gp, about how your feeling with your mental health?...

Here for you Nic...I’m sitting quietly next to you today, with my care, kind thoughts and hugs...🤗...

Please Nic...Try hard to be kind to you...and your beautiful soul...

Grandy..

Mixed feelings

White_Rose — Fri, 10 Jul 2020 03:06:35 GMT

Hello Nic

I'm numb,..uncaring, unwanted, irrelevant, and constantly being told I don't belong. (Take a step back from the forum's) .also....what am I fighting so hard for

As Grandy has said, you are fighting for all that makes us part of life. The sun, moon and stars and everything in this universe of ours. The loss of even one soul diminishes us all. I think you feel numb from all the pain you have been holding inside yourself and I am concerned the dam will will burst. Please talk to us if you do nothing else.

I don't believe you are uncaring, you are certainly relevant and wanted and you belong in this world as much as anyone else. Those who say such cruel things to you are thoughtless and unable to see what a treasure they have in their midst. Stay with us here and accept our support.

Mary

Mixed feelings

Guest_4593 — Sat, 11 Jul 2020 10:11:34 GMT

I wanted to say thank you to all of you from the bottom of my heart, you are all truly amazing people and im very grateful for you all reaching out to me ... thank you... i wish nothing but the best for all of you

Mixed feelings

Aaronsis — Sun, 12 Jul 2020 03:43:25 GMT

Hi Nic1233

We wish nothing but the best for you too and hope that you are ok, that you do feel the support that we have for you here and that we care very much about you.

How are you feeling today? Have you been able to reach out to one of the support lines to have a chat and to speak to someone who may be able to give you some support over the phone?

We are here with you to fight, to fight the next hour, the next day and to see that there is hope, there are better days ahead and you are worth finding that out, you matter and we care.

Hope to chat some more to you Nic1233, I hope you are safe.

Hugs

Sarah

Mixed feelings

Guest_4593 — Sun, 12 Jul 2020 13:56:52 GMT

Thanks sarah, sorry no i still haven't reached out its been on my mind lately as things get worse but its not that easy for me, everyone not in my family are telling me daily get help go to a gp. Its hard for me to ask for actual help ..
and im a much better listener than I am a speaker so if you or anyone ever need a ear iam hear for everyone else to

Mixed feelings

hope_moz — Sun, 12 Jul 2020 14:13:48 GMT

Hi Nic1233's

I wanted to say a few things,

Please never feel like a burden posting on here, it shows strength!

I do agree that a diary can help with venting your emotions, however this forum is completely different to that, opening up a conversation, being able to express emotions online (even if this is anonymous) is a stepping stone to speaking up in real life. Myself and I am sure a lot of other people have been in the same boat at some point in their lives. Unable to seek help in the real world, this is where I find online WebChat extremely helpful.

3pm-12am - www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport

Outside these hours, I found Kids Helpline the next best thing for late night destructive thoughts.

I hope you begin the feel better soon,

I am PROUD of you, you are VALID, you are LOVED.

Mixed feelings

geoff — Sun, 12 Jul 2020 18:51:35 GMT

Hello Nic, it even takes an enormous effort by yourself to be able to speak with us, that's great, because you can type out a reply or even a query, then think about it, edit it you want and then post it, perhaps now that's something you maybe able to do with your doctor/psychologist due to COVID-19.

I, myself felt the same way as you do, and I'm sure this includes so many other people but you've made many friends by posting their lovely replies, and it is good 'speaking' with you and hope to hear back.

Take care.

Geoff.

Mixed feelings

Aaronsis — Sun, 12 Jul 2020 22:43:42 GMT

Hi Nic1233

It is great that you are a wonderful listener, I find that most people are talkers, me included and listening is one thing that I am really trying harder to do. We need more of it as people do tend to jump in with trying to find a solution, trying to fix things and mostly just try to be helpful but when you are a talker this can come off as pressure and as "knowing better". I try to remind myself we have one mouth and two ears so you need to listen twice as much as you speak....it is hard!

I understand it is hard to make these calls and to open up, it is hard to think of where to start, what to say and then if you do talk the pressure to "do something about it", when sometimes this is the hardest part of all. Mostly we know what steps to take but it is the pressure of "well you got help, why aren't you better?", if only it was that easy!

I might take you up on the offer of an ear Nic1233, I am not sure if this is too much so please tell me if it is, I will be having the anniversary of my brother's passing on the 31st of this month. Essentially the whole reason I am part of this Beyond Blue family. I am not sure how I am going to go on the day, my dad is in NSW and I am in Melbourne, we cannot be together to support each other. It is hard every day but I am really dreading what the day is going to look like to be honest. I have a special candle I will light and I am going to buy my self some flowers....I just cannot believe he is not here and that it is almost one year! He was only 19!

Chat soon Nic1233

Hugs as always

Sarah

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Guest_4593 — Tue, 14 Jul 2020 13:35:14 GMT

Damm Sarah that is terrible losing a sibling especially at 19 years old I feel for you, I hope you realise that me being a listener doesn't mean I have answers, it's ok to feel however you want to feel during this time and I'm sorry you're hurting so much and I would like to be here for you during this time, you only mention your dad and that he can't be with you, was it just the 3 of you? This year will be your worst im sorry.... getting thought the day you may surround yourself with friends or just curl up in a ball and cry yourself to sleep, i think its all acceptable. The day will play out as it will and you will either be with people you care about and it wont help or you will be alone and sad and it wont help .. you are going to be sad this year and the next and the next .. but many years from now you will find a reason to celebrate your brother and this time of the year, you will honor him by celebrating and being happy over some event and you will always miss your brother and be sad yearly but you will find something that you can say today im celebrating and honoring the memory for my brother and you will be ok

Mixed feelings

Aaronsis — Thu, 16 Jul 2020 22:48:17 GMT

Hey Nic

I just wanted to let you know that my mother passed away unexpectedly on Wednesday so I need some time for me.

I will be back and just wanted to let you know.

Chat soon my friend.

Hugs Sarah