topic How to forgive yourself in Suicidal thoughts and self-harm

How to forgive yourself

Anzacspirit — Tue, 31 Mar 2020 23:39:07 GMT

How do you forgive yourself when the voice in your head constantly brings up the things you’ve done. If I can’t beat this it will consume me and that will be it. The only advice my psych has given me is that I’m not a bad person, I just made a mistake, a bad one at that but I need to forgive myself and move on. It sounds so easy , everything I’ve done just replays. I hate what I did, it’s not me. Others have forgiven me but I just can’t let go. I don’t know how to let go. I want to be free of this darkness that is shadowing me.

How to forgive yourself

Aaronsis — Wed, 01 Apr 2020 02:08:48 GMT

Hello Anzacspirit

I am so proud of you for reaching out for some support, some comfort and some conversation around what I can hear is tearing you up inside. You know you are not a bad person and that you have made a mistake, we all do it, and yes, if it was so easy to accept and to stand up and move on well there would be half as many people suffering today. However this does not get to win, to consume you, to dictate the rest of your life and hold you prisoner, to live in the dark and to see no hope.

You mention a really great point, it isn't you, it should not define who you are and it doesn't, and sometimes the fact that others have forgiven makes it even harder...the noise in your head that "how can you forgive me when I can not even forgive me?". This is not who you are, you made a mistake, but it does not define you.

I agree with the statement that nothing, and I really do mean nothing is ever a mistake if you have learnt from it, I can hear you are truly remorseful for what you did, that you do want to move on, so I can assume from that that you did LEARN from that incident, that the lesson was learnt. I hear you say "well I don't need to kill someone to know it is wrong"...indeed....however, mostly we know this lesson to be true and don't need to fill it to have learnt.

Forgiveness is very hard, and self forgiveness even more so. How would you feel about writing a letter to yourself, apologizing for what you have done, not for the act but the way you are now treating yourself. That you have been forgiven by other parties and now it is time to accept the apology for you.

Sitting with the guilt and shame is also another tool, you can acknowledge that these feelings are coming, allow yourself to feel like that and put a time on it, sit with it for 1 minute or 2 minutes then allow yourself to move forward, by doing something nice for you, something you enjoy and something that does give you joy.

I think another part of the process is acknowledging why you did this mistake and taking measures to ensure you don't ever repeat it. There is safety in knowledge and power to gain from knowing you will not be doing this again. This might be really hard to admit the root cause as to why, but perhaps some raw and honest writing can help you with this, you don't even have to show anyone.

I wish you peace and progress Anzacspirit, it is time now for you to breathe and to receive love, and to be allowed to.

Huge hugs

Sarah

How to forgive yourself

missingpuzzlepiece — Thu, 02 Apr 2020 07:09:53 GMT

Hi ANZACSPIRIT,

this feeling you can't evade, I know it well. For me, the self hatred only built further because I was forgiven. It's been a decade for me, I carry it, and am reminded of it all the time. I decided to quit trying to let it go, it doesn't stop the guilt, and I am guessing you can't forgive yourself either. So I stopped trying, there will be no self forgiveness, no denying its memory, I have to own what i did, I have to accept that was me, for that one moment when my brain acted against my beleifs and that I will have to accept the pain never stops.

But what does happen, is the emotional charge disipates, the memory is less forceful now, it is more regret than anger I drect to myself. Taken from hating myself to ashamed, to now regretful of my actions. When it comes in your mind, tell yourself yeh i do regret that in my life, and I know I will never repeat it.

It takes time, the emotinal charge to the memory will fade, the memory wont ever dissapear sorry to say. So just accept that part and try move from hate to regret. It wil make it easier on you going forward.

How to forgive yourself

Anzacspirit — Thu, 02 Apr 2020 12:35:50 GMT

Thank you, sounds like our path has been similar. Your words mean a lot

How to forgive yourself

haknukekk111 — Thu, 02 Apr 2020 18:01:16 GMT

What was your mistake?

How to forgive yourself

Aaronsis — Thu, 02 Apr 2020 21:47:13 GMT

Hey Anzacspirit

How are you feeling today? I hope the support here is helping and that you can think about how you do deserve peace and how you do deserve love...from yourself.

I see that haknukekk111 has joined us too so welcome to you and I look forward to finding out about your story too. I think the joy of the forum is that you can share as much or as little as you feel comfortable, that you can deal with the parts you need to and perhaps leave some of the finer detail for your privacy.

I guess I am saying no pressure to share the mistake Anzacspirit, this is your thread and we are here to support you so share as you feel comfortable.

Huge hugs

Sarah

How to forgive yourself

Anzacspirit — Sat, 04 Apr 2020 10:34:15 GMT

Hi Sarah,

im feeling pretty good, I think these words from the other member hit the spot with me “there will be no self forgiveness, no denying its memory, I have to own what i did, I have to accept that was me, for that one moment when my brain acted against my beleifs and that I will have to accept the pain never stops.”

honestly I don’t think I can forgive myself but I have owned up to what I did and I’ll never allow it to happen again. In a way this has actually given me closure and a way of dealing with the down days.

Thanks for staying in contact I appreciate it

How to forgive yourself

missingpuzzlepiece — Sat, 04 Apr 2020 10:53:43 GMT

All the best for you finding a way forward Anzacspirit, it's human nature to want to escape pain, but sometimes its unavoidable. Its not the most pleasant road, but at least you can start moving forward.

Remember that a fleeting impulse may cause wrongs to occur, but the stong ones won't back away from their responsibility to make it right after.

You will be okay.

How to forgive yourself

Guest_1643 — Sat, 04 Apr 2020 13:37:06 GMT

I struggle with the same thing. I hurt myself though, not others.
This is very hard for me to talk about and deal with.
I am glad you have shared here and sought help, and i'm sure your posts can help others. we all have so much in common really, pain is so universal. Many people, I think have things they struggle to integrate and deal with.
I'm glad you're on your journey with it. That's really amazing,

How to forgive yourself

Aaronsis — Sun, 05 Apr 2020 23:49:41 GMT

Hello Anzacspirit

I am so very happy for you that you have found comfort in the words of what missingpuzzlepiece has shared. It is such a great mind shift for you and although you will not get totally peace, it is some peace at this time and that is really fantastic.

I think what you have said is so very true, acceptance of what you did, knowing you made a mistake and having that knowledge and understanding is a really great step forward.

Even if you can make "friends" with the event, the pain and live with it, but live with it productively so it doesn't impact your daily life with overwhelming emotion and sadness and guilt.

I feel so happy that you have found support here, that this community have provided you with some tools to manage this situation and you can take a really big step forward.

Hope to chat some more to you and know how you are going.

Huge hugs

Sarah xx

How to forgive yourself

Emmen — Mon, 06 Apr 2020 01:25:27 GMT

Hello Anzacspirit,

It sounds to me that deep down, you still believe yourself to be a bad person (despite your psych saying otherwise), which is why you keep cycling through that mistake in your mind. I wonder if you will find it easier to forgive yourself if you could find redemption somewhere else. One suggestion I have is to consciously find and do activities that allow you to feel good about yourself - helping people, for instance (e.g. looking after the elderly, or doing something thoughtful for someone in need, like sending a postcard to a friend who is feeling socially isolated). Once you've made this a habit, perhaps it'd be easier for you to believe you are a good person, and then you may find it easier to forgive yourself.

Everyone makes mistakes. I don't doubt you are a good person. It seems that right now, you need to start believing it too.

All the best,
Emmen

How to forgive yourself

Anzacspirit — Wed, 08 Apr 2020 13:57:25 GMT

Thanks for you reply Emmen, you are right , I feel like a bad person so hard not to after hurting the one person who meant the most to me. I have always struggled to even like myself and this mistake has certainly weighed heavily on my self worth. I actually do paintings for people, it makes me feel good that others like something of mine but it doesn’t make me forget what I did nor change my views on myself. I get the feeling the ups and downs are just going to be my way of life, lately there have been more ups than downs which is good. Just wish I could turn back time and change my past.....

How to forgive yourself

Bulus Shabbaz — Thu, 09 Apr 2020 00:12:06 GMT

Having BPD/and SAD I am well aware of the cycle of self-loathing and guilt one can fall into. I am also from a Christian background and am "programmed" to have certain beliefs on the matter of forgiveness. The Catholic in me is set to the mindset of I am not worthy of forgiveness but if I accept Gods grace I will be saved. But the BPD tends to push me to the Calvinist position that I have fallen with no hope of redemption. I am not here to preach. I find it pretty much impossible to forgive myself and hold onto a lot of residual guilt.

How to forgive yourself

Emmen — Thu, 09 Apr 2020 05:42:02 GMT

The thing is, we can't change the past. But we can make our future more meaningful. It's difficult when your mind keeps cycling over the mistakes that were made, but remember that you always have a choice on how you can deal with those thoughts. Will you let it continue to bring you down, or will you use it as motivation to make a future that you can be proud of?

I'm happy to hear that there have been more ups than down lately. You sound like a lovely person and I'd like for you to be able to see that too. Forgiving yourself isn't about forgetting what happened, it's about learning to accept it for what it was - a mistake.

- Emmen

How to forgive yourself

Emmen — Thu, 09 Apr 2020 05:55:15 GMT

Hello Bulus Shabbaz,

I am not from a Christian background, so I don't fully understand what the tenets of Catholicism and Calvinism are. That said, I find it hard to believe that your mistake, which you appear remorseful of, can result in you having no hope for redemption. Perhaps it would be good for you to speak to someone within your faith and see how you should approach your journey to self-forgiveness?

I hope this helps 🙂

Warmly,
Emmen

How to forgive yourself

LiveSadPandas — Thu, 09 Apr 2020 10:20:49 GMT

Hey Anzacspirit, try to forgive yourself.

Other people have been asked "Are you ok?" and had to say no.

One mistake is just one mistake. Don't make a hobby of it, and you're not a bad person.

Best of luck.

How to forgive yourself

misshellokitty1987 — Sun, 12 Apr 2020 03:37:15 GMT

I’ve joined this post in hopes to help myself too. I to, made a mistake, and one I feel that will tear me down for the rest of my life. I to have been forgiven but can’t forgive myself. I finally sort help for myself by talking to my doctor who has referred me to a psychologist who I’m hoping can help further.
I hope that all these posts have helped you.

How to forgive yourself

CalmCat — Sun, 12 Apr 2020 04:22:20 GMT

Hi misshellokitty1987,

Thanks for reaching out to all.

I've made so many mistakes in life, right now, in this present moment I don't regret any of them. As I wouldn't be here in this moment with out them. For example, I was living at my parents house till 31. I don't regret living there as I got to travel the world with the extra money I had.

I think you mentioned the operative work of 'forgiveness' though. Forgiveness is key to life. Without forgiveness we'd be stuck in the best, thinking of things that don't serve us means today.

Would love to hear more of what you think and fell.

Hope you're having great Easter.

Regards,

Doz

How to forgive yourself

Anzacspirit — Wed, 15 Apr 2020 09:52:59 GMT

It’s oh so hard to forgive and forget though. It’s just a mistake I know but a horrible one that is constantly haunting me, can’t believe I did what I did 😞

How to forgive yourself

Aaronsis — Wed, 15 Apr 2020 10:09:28 GMT

Hello Anzacspirit

It is great to chat to you some more, I am just hearing what you are saying in the you just cant believe you have made this mistake and that you just cant believe you have done this horrible thing. I just want to ask if aside from a therapist have you shared this with a friend or someone who actually knows you, who loves you and who you could chat to to get some comfort and reassurance from? Sometimes talking in real life and hearing the words leave your mouth is like they are leaving you, I am not sure if you feel comfortable to share your mistake with a friend, this is absolutely up to you and only do it if you feel trust in your friend. I am just thinking that having support from someone in your life who knows you so very well and who you trust might help in you realizing your worth, that you are valid and loved and cared for and that you did in fact make a mistake, that it is ok.

I hope to chat some more to you Anzacspirit and send you hugs and support.

Sarah xx