topic Self harm urges and giving in in Suicidal thoughts and self-harm

Self harm urges and giving in

Ely_ — Mon, 03 Feb 2020 09:31:33 GMT

Hi,

I've been fighting not to self harm more lately as the urges are happening more often. Especially the last week. I have been struggling. I'm at the point now where I want to give in to the urge. I want the numbness. I want the relief. I don't want to fight it anymore.

I saw my abuser's daughter today and that has triggered me alot. I have PTSD and BPD.

I'm trying to distract myself, have been trying mindfulness.

I'm sick of not even being able to shower without wanting to hurt.

I'm so ashamed.

I feel weak and stupid.

Self harm urges and giving in

Aaronsis — Mon, 03 Feb 2020 09:46:41 GMT

Hi Ely72

I am so glad that you have found the strength to reach out and to grab onto some support here, that is so brave and I can hear how much pain and how hard this is for you at the moment. It is so great to chat to you and I hope you can feel the support and care here that we have for you.

I am so very very sorry that you have been abused, that you have to live with that each day and that today you had to have a visual reminder of your event and the pain that goes with that.

I am not going to give you a list of all the things that you can do as an option rather than hurting yourself as you know, you know about distractions and I am sure that you know about the techniques that you can do in these times, I feel like though that it like telling a person with depression to "cheer up". So instead I will let you know I am here to sit with you in these times, to talk and to share about whatever it is you feel comfortable in sharing.

You are not weak and you are most certainly not stupid. You did not choose the abuse that happened to you and now you have to live with it each day, and you are Ely72, this is so brave and so strong and I know you don't feel like that but you are so much stronger than you realize, you choose life and you choose you.

I do just want to say though if you are not feeling safe to please call 000 and have an ambulance come to help you. You matter so much and with help you can move through this and go onto live a happy life.

Huge hugs to you and I hope to chat with you some more.

Sarah xx

Self harm urges and giving in

Sophie_M — Mon, 03 Feb 2020 10:00:03 GMT

Hi Ely72,

I'd like to join Aaronsis in thanking you for reaching out today, we know how difficult it can be, but we are so glad that you have showed your strength. It sounds like this experience today seeing your abuser's daughter would have been very distressing, we are sorry that you’re in such a tough space right now. But please know that you’re not alone in this and that our community is here to work through this difficult time with you.

As you’ve mentioned that you’ve been struggling with urges to harm yourself, we are contacting you through email with some additional support.

We hope that you continue to check back in with our community when you feel up to it.

Self harm urges and giving in

Ely_ — Mon, 03 Feb 2020 10:11:00 GMT

Thanks for your response Sarah. I truly appreciate it.

Having BPD and having had a rough week with it and my PTSD, I haven't been in the best place lately. I had thought I was going uphill out of it today, until I was triggered so severely. It's strange how some things affect me so intensely at different times.

And now I just don't want to feel at all. Emotions are my weakness. I have just started DBT with my new psychologist. I'm not handling anything though.

I am having major anxiety issues atm due to medical tests that need to be done and a 2 week separate stay i need to do. Just at a loss.

Any feeling at the moment is intense and horrible and i don't want to feel anymore.

There is no break, no peace.

Self harm urges and giving in

Guest_4643 — Mon, 03 Feb 2020 10:15:52 GMT

Hi Ely72, welcome to the forums.

I'm so very sorry that you're struggling so much. I think it's great that you joined these forums though, that in itself took a lot of courage & bravery, because you're trying to seek help & support. So good on you for that, it's one thing you can say you achieved!

Please don't hurt yourself & do anything stupid, I know it's hard. Please remember that these forums are 24/7, & everything is moderated for peace of mind. You can also use the following websites, all the info is on the websites:

Lifeline

SANE

The Black Dog Institute

eHeadspace

Suicide Call Back Service

Kids Helpline

& more.

I wish I could just give you a hug & help you, I'm sorry I can't. But I hope me & others can support you in any way on these forums. We may be strangers but that doesn't mean that we don't love & care about you, & that we want you here. You belong here, you have so much to offer the world whether you believe it or not, regardless of how old you are & how much you're struggling.

Please stay safe, & please check out those websites & come on these forums. Please don't hurt yourself or anything else you'll regret. There's plenty of threads on these forums, stuff to vent, & positive things. Check out those if you're up to it.

You're not weak & stupid, or anything else bad you say. Please believe that. Please take care of yourself & keep yourself safe. You're loved, you're wanted, & you're needed. Please know that everyone on these forums care. All of us. We want you to be happy, & get better, & still be here.

Have some time to yourself if you need, just be safe please.

Massive love and hugs to you. Please take care.

Love,

Tayla xo

Self harm urges and giving in

Ely_ — Mon, 03 Feb 2020 21:57:55 GMT

I just wanted to thank you for your support. I ended up chatting, then calling BB. Eventually was seen by MH at the ED and they have made a plan to follow up with me. It was very difficult to go through with going to ED. Last time I saw MH there the lady was dismissive. This time was a definite improvement.

I still feel agitated and pretty much the same but I'm more in control this morning.

MH will be calling me today and visiting in a couple days. I have an appointment with my trauma counsellor today.

I just wish the discussion with my partner had gone differently when I woke her to let her know how I was feeling.

Me.."I don't feel well, I'm going to ED"

SO.. yelling.... "stop f***ing doing this shit" and some other stuff I wont put here.

She is usually really good. When it comes to this she doesnt understand or try to. I tried to explain to her last night.

I would have thought at 35 I would have outgrown this emotional battle with myself but it only seems to get worse.

Cest la vie I guess

Ely

Self harm urges and giving in

Aaronsis — Mon, 03 Feb 2020 22:21:44 GMT

Good Morning Ely72

I am so proud that you reached out and that you took the help that you needed. That has taken so much strength and so much courage and I am so happy that you made the calls you needed to for your life.

I don't think age has anything to do with it, I understand that you feel like at "this age" you should be doing "better" but unfortunately MH as you know doesn't work like that. It is great that you have some support in place now and that is so wonderful.

I am sorry that your partner responded like that to you, it is out of love and she is probably hurting too and hates to see you like this so her reaction was probably out of fear and sadness too. I know that at the time it is not helpful but try to jump on her side of the fence and see what she is seeing, her partner in a really bad spot, that hurts.

I just want to share apart of my story with you, for the only reason that I want you to see that there is hope, and with help and with the right people on your team you can go on to live a happy and healthy life. So 6 months ago (wow..I really cant believe it has been that long) I lost my 19 year old brother to suicide. My family is broken, although we are doing ok, we will never be the same..as you can imagine. I never thought I would be in such a healthy place that I am now. I had an amazing counsellor that taught me so much, I had this forum that essentially I credit my healing to. TALKING..these are the key and I think that you are doing such a great job. By communicating how you are feeling and getting it out, by talking with your partner when you are feeling good and letting her know what is helpful to you when you are in a dark place or you have hurt yourself, these will be the things that make the difference in your healing.

There are so many great resources here on this page and even reading other people's stories and some of the other support that people like our Community Champions give to others I learn from every day. Writing is wonderful and getting it all out, exercise and eating well and doing things that make you feel good about you.

You matter so very much and sweet Tayla...thank you for your contribution to not only Ely72 but your enormous heart and the care you have for others is amazing.

Please stay safe Ely72, this is a time in your life and doesn't have to cost you your life. We are here for you and you matter so very much.

Come and chat anytime and let us know how you are going and how you are feeling.

Sarah xx

Self harm urges and giving in

Ely_ — Tue, 04 Feb 2020 07:18:11 GMT

Sarah,

I am sorry to hear about your brother. I lost my aunt 18 months ago and my cousin last July to the same. The pain of my aunt's passing to my Mum is what keeps me here. I don't want to cause that for her.

Today I told my best friend about last night. I now regret it. At first she was concerned then dismissive, judgy and even said she thinks i should stop therapy and change pills. I know everyone has their own beliefs and what works for them but I truly thought she was more understanding.

After she left it made my urges even worse and I couldn't stop.

I had my trauma counselling appointment. She agreed I should maybe go see MH again so I did.

More than anything, that was a waste of time. If I think positively it will stop...apparently. i just have to eat, exercise and think clear thoughts not negative ones. Never felt more dismissed and useless and stupid.

I want and dont want to stop.

Ely

Self harm urges and giving in

Aaronsis — Tue, 04 Feb 2020 08:24:21 GMT

Hi Ely72

I am so sorry that you too have experienced the pain of losing members of your family to suicide, it is so hard to manage the loss of one family member so I cant imagine your families pain having to lose two. Thank you for your kind words about my brother, that is very kind of you and I really appreciate it.

I am really feeling for you that you tried to reach out to your friend and you got a really dismissive with you, it is so hard for some people to understand or to even empathize when those with MH issues do share and some of the information is either too much or they are too overwhelmed or simply just don't know how to respond. I am sure your friend tried but didn't give the support you needed and I am so sorry you felt worse and that you resorted to hurting yourself. Please reach out here and even use typing as a distraction in the times when you do feel like you need to hurt yourself, feel the keys under your fingers and with each word you type feel the support coming to you from us.

I think it is a great idea to get some more support, it is a real shame that the team you saw today were not helpful, it is exhausting having to retell and relive the feelings only to have them dismissed or not validated or heard. I am really sorry Ely72 that today was so very much for you and that you didn't feel supported or heard. Fancy that...who would have thought that it was just as easy as eating well and exercising and getting some rest and thinking happy bubbly things..wow...what a break through...sorry I am very sarcastic and it frustrates me when this is a professionals default statement....really disappointing and I feel really lousy for you.

Can I ask if there are things that you do enjoy doing? Things that make you happy or put a smile on your face? If the answer is no, that is fine I am just trying to see if we can get some solid distractions for you when you are feeling so bad.

Hope to chat to you some more and sending you my strength and my support Ely72

Huge hugs

Sarah

Self harm urges and giving in

Ely_ — Tue, 04 Feb 2020 08:45:02 GMT

I hear you on the sarcasm... I felt so deflated and pissed off.

In terms of distractions I am a crafter. I have a studio full of beads, clays, wire, and assorted goodies. I spent last week when I was really low sorting my last two crates of mixed seed and round beads. I now have one little bag left.

I also read, have my dogs and cats, and watch netflix when triggers allow. I have been tryjng to do deep breathing, muscle relaxations and meditations n mindfulness, but this agitated brain will not stop cycling and flicking.

I'm tempted to just take a couple of my pain meds and sleep, but am worried they wont make me tired and will just make me spacy and more impulsive.

other option is to watch tv, but what if something comes on that triggers me more and then i CANT stop?

I still cant believe MH response when I told them I intended to continue was try not to. You have to stop thinking negatively.

Wth...unhelpful...not that i guess they can do anything really.... i dont even know anymore.

Thanks for the continued support x

Self harm urges and giving in

Aaronsis — Tue, 04 Feb 2020 09:24:03 GMT

Hey Ely72

That is so awesome that you have craft and obviously have a creative streak to you, that is so great and I am very jealous..lol...it can also be the perfect outlet to keep that mind of yours busy and to try to keep the noise somewhat quiet. I am not really very creative but love the idea of being able to make and do arty stuff but I lose interest quickly. What sort of things are your favorite things to create? What do you do with the beads? All together with clay and wire I am sure you could do the best sculpture, you could even do something called "self reflection" when you create something that is all the pain and thoughts and negativity all put into a sculpture for it to be out of you and ever trapped in the sculpture....hmmm interesting thought there.

I have three cats so know how loving and cute and extremely selfish they can be..lol...but do provide some cuddles and lots of love and some great conversation. I have a tabby, a ginger and a bit of a mix, they are all so different and bring me so much joy, I love how animals just know when you need some care.

I think finding help with doctors and counsellors and the like is really like making friends and some people we connect with and some we don't and if we don't connect with people who are supposed to help on the wellness journey and we don't find them supportive or their suggestions things that resonate well it is just not going to work. I hope you can get a team together of people who you do connect with as it really makes for a successful healing journey and you so deserve some peace and some happiness and some joy in life.

How are you feeling about getting some sleep tonight? Sometimes a ritual sort of helps that can start to prepare you for sleep, maybe start with a bath and some music that is calming and even things like lavender to smell and stay away from phones and things that stimulate. Even some reading or then putting in some ear phones and doing some mindfulness and relaxation techniques..there are so many awesome apps that can talk you through meditation.

Sorry if I am waffling here, I am just wanting to give you some comfort and some support and for you to know I care and you are worth happiness and worth this life and for it to be a happy one.

Chat some more soon

Sarah xx

Self harm urges and giving in

Ely_ — Tue, 04 Feb 2020 14:57:06 GMT

My favourite things to create are fairy garden accessories and doors. I'm learning to sculpt creatures atm, dragons especially. Miniatures. With beads I love making beaded flowers, but they can be very fiddly and time consuming.

I just got back from ED again. I contacted the chat and one thing led to another and I was back there. More tablets to make me sleep tonight and tomorrow night until I see this apparently terrific MH dr Friday. Kind of feel heard but not like there is anything that can help except to make me stop thinking some way. Idk how. Idk any other ways. None of my methods worked, are working or did work.

So exhausting fighting myself constantly. I want to do it, but i know i shouldnt. But i want the relief and release and numbness. But i know i need a healthier way.

Eugh.

Hopefully the diaz kicks in soon and i can have a break.

Feeling lost....

Ely

Self harm urges and giving in

Aaronsis — Tue, 04 Feb 2020 21:57:30 GMT

Good Morning Ely72

I am so glad that you took yourself to the ED, this is exhausting and this is so frustrating and I know you want out, you want peace and you want the pain and the noise to stop, that what you have done in the past no longer works and there seems no hope and no future without this beast. I hear you and I am here with you. I know that it is not much help but I am here with you Ely72 and want you to stay safe and want you to stay in this world. I know right now there seems like there is no hope, that everything is just leads to the ED and that there is never going to be anything good. I have learnt so much here on these forums, that people can and do go on to live happy and healthy lives after suicide attempts, self harming, constant thoughts about ending their life and can go on to live with depression and anxiety and still have happy lives. Reach out to us here, keep talking, call Lifeline 13 11 14, talk to them they are amazing, talk to your partner, let her know how she can help you, get that craft out and make some beautiful or terrible creation and keep that mind busy.

I care so much and I hope you feel supported here Ely72, keep typing and feel the pain leave as you get the words out.

Please stay safe my friend

Huge hugs

Sarah xxx

Self harm urges and giving in

Ely_ — Wed, 05 Feb 2020 05:49:34 GMT

I swear the MH team here have no clue. Just had a phone call. They've cancelled my home visit tomorrow since Im seeing the dr in clinic on Friday. They didnt think to tell me that, esp before I rearranged my GP appointment. I only know coz I doublechecked. He rang to see how Im going BUT didnt even ask beside "How are you today" "Still the same"...

It's like they dont even listen.

Its irritated me to the point where tipped me over the edge where i want to again.

I ate earlier for the first time in 3 days. Now I feel sick though.

I hate this wiah i felt empty again.

Self harm urges and giving in

Guest_4643 — Wed, 05 Feb 2020 05:58:02 GMT

Hi all.

Apologies for not being on here all day, I've just had a busy stressful day & only got home earlier.

I hope you're alright Ely, & everybody else. Please take care & stay safe.

Love & hugs all around,

Tayla

Self harm urges and giving in

Aaronsis — Wed, 05 Feb 2020 06:13:55 GMT

Hi Ely72

That is really disappointing and I am so sorry that when you need this medical support it is not there, and when it is it is less than average. I cannot imagine how frustrating this is for you and how much it triggers your need to hurt yourself. I hope you can stay strong and please use one of the help line numbers, they really are so wonderful.

3 days is a long time not to have eaten anything and I understand that you probably have lost your appetite and that food is the last thing on your mind, but it really can have a huge impact on how you are feeling and your mental state. Even if you can snack on some small healthy things just to keep you nourished that would be great. I am so sorry to lecture you and you are not a child, it is more of just a reminder to try to do what you can control to stay alive.

How do you feel about your GP in the clinic? Do you find him/her helpful? Do you think that they can help you through this time? Is there a way that you can get the home visit tomorrow back? Sorry for all the questions I am just as frustrated as you are. I am not sure why when you are so very much in need this is happening and you are feeling so very unsupported Ely72.

Have you go something you can do as a distraction for tonight? Do you think you could take a trip to the craft box and even do some drawing or some colouring in or something to take your mind off your mind and how you area feeling? Do you think that might work?

I am so very sorry Ely72 that you are going through this and that the pain does not stop and you are so very tired and over it. I am here with you, keep typing my friend.

Huge hugs

Sarah xx

Self harm urges and giving in

Ely_ — Thu, 06 Feb 2020 05:48:13 GMT

Im still here. In ED again. I dont remember last night. I just wanted the pain to stop. I failed. They are moving me to MH inpatients tomorrow when there should be a bed free. Then I'm going to do a few week course as an inpatient elsewhere.

So far today I've fought with my partner, hurt my mother more and avoided my best friend. I dont want them to be here or know or see.

I just hurt soooo much and I dont want to anymore.

I tried really hard to distract and do mindfulness yesterday arvo. Then flick, thoughts and feelings exploded and I couldnt handle it.

Really hope this next option can help.me coz im at a loss..

Self harm urges and giving in

Guest_4643 — Fri, 07 Feb 2020 08:31:13 GMT

Hi all.

I hope everyone's alright, I'm sorry for not being on here much. I'm struggling a lot myself.

Love & hugs to everyone. Please take care & be safe all of you.

Tayla

Self harm urges and giving in

Aaronsis — Fri, 07 Feb 2020 22:02:38 GMT

Hi Ely72

I just wanted to check in and see how you are doing, let you know I am thinking of you and hope that you are very safe. The past week has been a huge battle for you and I am so very glad that you have been to ED, that you made it through the "event" of the other night, even though you probably don't agree. I am so proud of you and care so much and I hope you are feeling supported after what has surely been very emotional for you and your loved ones.

Hope to chat some more to you Ely72 and hear you are ok.

Huge hugs

Sarah xx

Self harm urges and giving in

Aaronsis — Sun, 09 Feb 2020 22:14:58 GMT

Hi Ely72

I just wanted to stop in and see if you are ok and if you need some support here and someone to chat to?

How was your weekend and how did the appointment go on Friday?

Thinking of you Ely72 and hope to chat some more to you.

Your friend Sarah