topic Stuck in a cycle and afraid in Suicidal thoughts and self-harm

Stuck in a cycle and afraid

confirmed08 — Thu, 30 Dec 2021 13:49:32 GMT

Hey back again. it’s been a couple months now since I last posted and safe to say things have not improved, and in some aspects worsened quite a bit. my girlfriend of one year broke up with me in september and I’ve not been able to forget her ever since. this combined with year 12 exams really took it toll, and now I’m starting to lose sight of anything positive in my world. and I know that’s so selfish and I hate myself for being suicidal. I’ve got so much to be grateful for, so much more than many yet I don’t want to continue anymore. I contacted her for the first time in a month or so on boxing day and that only made things worse. she is so happy, she’s just got a car at 17, a new phone, she looks amazing. I’m happy for her, I always said I wanted the best for her and I did not matter. suppose I got what I wanted. can’t see an end to this cycle anytime soon, and honestly it’s hard to convince myself I’m worth the time and effort to fix anymore. it’s not worth, I’m too far gone, I’ve left it too late

Stuck in a cycle and afraid

Sophie_M — Thu, 30 Dec 2021 14:51:33 GMT

Hi confirmed08,
Thank you for posting on the forums tonight. Our valued online forums community is a safe space for you to share your thoughts, seek and give support. We are very grateful you have done this today. We are so sorry to hear that things are not improving for you after your breakup. It sounds like things are especially difficult for you at this time as you are struggling to feel that you are worth the time and effort to break the emotional cycle you are going through. We want you to know that you are valuable, and we're here to provide you with as much support, advice and conversation as you need.
Our Support Service is trying to reach out to you via email as we are worried about you.
We hope you know that there is always help available to you. The Beyond Blue Support Service has wonderful counsellors available on 1300 22 4636 or you can get in touch with us on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST here: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport.
If ever you feel that you cannot keep yourself safe, please contact 000 (triple zero) and ask for the police as your safety and wellbeing is important.

We hope that you keep checking in to let us know how you're going, whenever you feel up to it.

Stuck in a cycle and afraid

geoff — Thu, 30 Dec 2021 15:14:06 GMT

Hello Confirmed08, have you ever imagined that your girlfriend is now what she is, is because of your influence, but now taken that step upwards to go onto another life, so I wonder whether any part of this you feel you should be rewarded.

Please don't forget that at her age, 17, it's not unusual for people to get new cars as well as a new phone as they develop into adulthood as being part of life.

Remember your attraction to her you 'wanted the best for her and it did not matter' and again, you may have been responsible for this, and if this is correct, imagine the influence you'll have on someone else, that's to be proud of.

Take care.

Geoff.

Stuck in a cycle and afraid

Chris_Tas — Thu, 30 Dec 2021 15:17:10 GMT

Never too late.

I've had many attempts and I'm somehow still here and yet know others who have turned it around.

Personally I haven't and in all sorts of strife but no it's definitely not too late.

I wish you the best mate.

Chris

Stuck in a cycle and afraid

yggdrasil — Fri, 31 Dec 2021 00:30:43 GMT

Hi confirmed08,

Thank you so much for posting on here once again, it's always a really brave step to seek help. I'm sorry to hear things have gotten worse, but it's very common I think for things to get worse before they get better.

I really feel for year 12 students from the last few years. The pandemic has been an impossibly hard situation for you to deal with during such a high pressure time of your lives. Members of my family became extremely unwell during my final years of high school, and I dropped out mid-way through year 12. I went back the following year though, and now I'm a research scientist, so it's always possible to move your life forward bit by bit in the direction you want to go. You just need to take tiny little steps, and very slowly you can turn things around.

Have you ever spoken to a doctor about the way you're feeling? They will be able to help you set up a mental health care plan, which allows you to see a psychologist or social worker of your choice between 10-20 times a year for free.

There are many therapeutic models psychologists use to help you break out of circuituous negative patterns of thought and behaviour, like thinking there's no hope for your future. Have you heard of acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT), cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) or Schema Therapy? These are some of the most common ones psychologists talk about.

Thanks again for posting on here, and take care over the next few days.

yggdrasil

Stuck in a cycle and afraid

confirmed08 — Fri, 31 Dec 2021 06:13:12 GMT

hi Geoff, thanks for the response

that’s a really good way of thinking about it, however, sadly she had told me she was falling into depression a couple weeks before our break up. I’ve blamed myself a lot for that and it seems as if she’s broken free of me and improved somewhat mentally. from the outside it looks like what I achieved was being out of her life to drop the burden off of her shoulders.

I also just feel a lot of jealousy and disappointment in myself with her having a car, I’m 18 so being a year older I feel I should be so much better than I am in every aspect of my life.

thank you again for your response, and sorry.

confirmed08

Stuck in a cycle and afraid

confirmed08 — Fri, 31 Dec 2021 06:17:43 GMT

hey yggdrasil, thanks for the comment.

I’ve been seeing a psychologist since the break up, it just feels like I haven’t quite clicked with her. she’s very much focused on the logics of why I’m feeling the way I am as her expertise seems to be in cognitive behaviours. she gets me to do tasks and worksheets that I can never find motivation to complete which just makes me feel guilty and disappointed in myself.

my parents have suggested switching but I’m not sure if I want to keep seeing someone, it’s only gonna waste my time and their time too.

Stuck in a cycle and afraid

confirmed08 — Fri, 31 Dec 2021 06:19:46 GMT

thank you so much sophie, and I’m really sorry for including the distressing message in my original post. I did not take what I was saying into enough consideration I apologise greatly.

Stuck in a cycle and afraid

yggdrasil — Sat, 01 Jan 2022 07:51:34 GMT

That's good your seeing someone, and sorry to hear it's not really clicking for you. I remember at your age I found all the worksheets and stuff silly and never wanted to do them, so I understand your lack of motivation! I do believe that gradually over time they do make a difference however.

I have also found though a purely "logical" approach doesn't work for me, and that I also need to do a lot of exercise and participate in other shared interest groups.

Have you ever played a team sport, or skated, or any other activity like that?

Stuck in a cycle and afraid

confirmed08 — Sat, 01 Jan 2022 11:01:21 GMT

I can see that eventually they will help me, I’m sure, but I just can’t bring myself to do them it’s frustrating.

I’ve played tennis for a number of years now but I lost my motivation for it (not really due to the break up just lack of passion for it anymore). I was interested in playing soccer instead but not sure if I still want to.

I’m tending to avoid in person socialising at the moment. sometimes personal choice, other times like last night I just wasn’t able to go. trying to disconnect from my friends a bit, don’t really feel deserving of them nor do I want to trouble them with my worries.

Stuck in a cycle and afraid

confirmed08 — Sat, 01 Jan 2022 12:47:25 GMT

ahhh fantastic she posted on instagram. now I feel even worse. god I miss her so much, I just wish I had done more to save the relationship. she looks so amazing. I just want her back man, she was the only person I have ever truly trusted. I’m so sad yet I know I can’t leave, it’d hurt my family and friends too much. I couldn’t pass this pain onto them, but man I can’t bare this. I just wanna scream. I want someone to talk to. I want her

Stuck in a cycle and afraid

yggdrasil — Sun, 02 Jan 2022 03:52:08 GMT

I'm really sorry to hear it's still really difficult man. My advice would be to make sure she's not on any of your social media feeds at the moment (e.g. unfollow her etc.) Eventually you will be able to be friends, and seeing her pictures and stuff on the socials won't bother you, but at the moment it's clearly a really big trigger. I know how painful it is, but these little steps are usually necessary I think for the healing process.

I totally get the lack of motivation, but remember that losing interest in things is a symptom of depression, and I think you need to try and force yourself to do tiny little things you think may help you, even when you feel down and don't have the motivation. Perhaps especially when you don't have the motivation.

You can start super, super small, with just the tiniest things. E.g. if you think the worksheets will help you, start by just trying to make yourself write one sentence, or even just one word on them, then putting them away till next time. Same with the tennis and socialising and stuff. If full on sport or socialising seems too much at the moment, maybe just start super, super small and try and make yourself kick a soccer ball against a wall or something for a few minutes, rather than committing straight away to a league or team competition. I have found that the big changes or improvements in our lives don't happen in big dramatic moments, but in an extremely slow 5 steps forward 4 steps back kind of way.

You'll get through this tough time mate. All the best,

yggdrasil

Stuck in a cycle and afraid

confirmed08 — Sun, 02 Jan 2022 12:13:41 GMT

god it’s so hard to even think of removing her on social media. I know it’s absolutely the right thing to do, I scroll thru snapchat, instagram and facebook looking for things from her and her family. I’ve become obsessed but I guess I’m still holding out false hope. she doesn’t care, she doesn’t even care on a friend level.

when we talked at christmas it was entirely about her, she didn’t ask a thing about me. I know all about how she’s been, how her family’s been, how work’s been. she doesn’t even know I have a job. I just want her back so much I’m convincing myself it’ll happen. I’m so lost without her.

I’m going to be socialising a bit the next couple weeks, with work and seeing friends. after this month I’m not sure. I’m so tempted to just cut myself off from them, from everything. I don’t want to do anything, see anyone. I wanna be back home doing nothing (I’m away on a family holiday at the moment). I’ll see how the next two social things go.

once I’ve started something I can usually keep doing it. it’s the start that’s the issue. I struggle to start anything. I should persevere but I question: am I really worth the time and effort. I honestly cannot say I am. I’m sorry yggdrasil this is just like talking to a brick wall. I’m letting you down. it’s a habit of mine I suppose hah

Stuck in a cycle and afraid

yggdrasil — Wed, 05 Jan 2022 23:38:56 GMT

Nah mate you're fine! I've been in the cycle headspace many times myself. Hope the rest of the family holiday goes OK.

Stuck in a cycle and afraid

confirmed08 — Thu, 06 Jan 2022 18:29:25 GMT

it went well thanks mate. kinda glad it’s over kinda not to be honest it’s weird haha. hoping I can somehow get outta the cycle but not taking any steps to do so at the moment. maybe soon I’ll care enough about myself again

Stuck in a cycle and afraid

Catdadno1 — Thu, 06 Jan 2022 20:06:07 GMT

I’m in the same boat as you’ just about 10-11 years older…. You will meet and fall in love with so many more people. Trust me on that one… try a few podcasts and some games…. That’s what is kind of helping me

Stuck in a cycle and afraid

confirmed08 — Fri, 07 Jan 2022 13:29:50 GMT

hi Catdadno1, thanks for the words of encouragement man. trying to keep doing little things like that, I love gaming so that’s always there. hope you’re doing alright mate, you got this

Stuck in a cycle and afraid

confirmed08 — Wed, 12 Jan 2022 12:38:35 GMT

I wanna message her so much. I feel like I’m somehow missing her more and more even when it’s nearly been 4 months. she was just perfect, so was her family. she was the only person I’ve entrusted with my feelings. I want her back, but at the same time I’m so angry at her. I wanna tell her how much she’s ruined me, how she just discarded me and never cared about what happened to me. how could she just do that? how did I hurt her that much that she threw me away like I meant nothing to her, like I treated her like absolute shit?

Stuck in a cycle and afraid

geoff — Wed, 12 Jan 2022 14:57:14 GMT

Hello Confirmed, sometimes when people are this age and 'on a roll' they just expect that something else will fall into their lap in a positive way and don't particularly care about what's left behind until they fall, victim, themselves.

I'm sorry this has happened.

Geoff.

Stuck in a cycle and afraid

yggdrasil — Thu, 13 Jan 2022 11:11:56 GMT

Hey mate,

Sorry to hear you're still struggling with these feelings about your ex. I suspect there's a lot on your plate and the breakup has been the last straw so to speak. I remember you mentioned the year 12 exams were a real trial. They must have been so hard with all that's been going on with COVID. Is there any thing else going on that is added to the challenges of the break up?

I still think you should try to avoid your ex on social media etc. I think you need distance for the healing process to start. I also think it's really important to try to find ways to process these angry emotions, and avoid letting them take over. I know how difficult it is, but angry feelings about exes can really eat at you if you're not careful! I've been there! A very common source for these emotions is when you compare yourself to others - it's the easiest and most innocent seeming thing to do, but can lead to all kinds of pain. I think most cultures have folk stories about this danger, e.g. the story of Cain and Abel.

Do you have any creative outlets? Playing guitar or singing (badly) helps me through the painful emotions. I know it's the hardest thing in the world, and the last thing you probably want to hear right now, but I think slowly putting more of your energy into other things, like hobbies, new stages of your life, even going shopping for new clothes etc, the more you'll be able to heal and put this experience in the past.

Remember, no relationship is a waste. Romantic relationships are always challenging, that's part of the thrill, and it takes a lifetime of effort, and trial and error, to slowly learn the skills that make relationships work. The pain you're going through now will help you develop a wealth of insight and experience that you will bring to your next relationship, as hard as that is to imagine right now. All the best,

yggdrasil