topic Tired of living but have to for my husband and kids in Suicidal thoughts and self-harm

Tired of living but have to for my husband and kids

Anna84 — Mon, 13 Jun 2022 02:10:45 GMT

I am so exhausted and feel like every day is a battle but I can’t talk to anyone because no body wants to listen to someone complain. Especially when there is nothing to complain about really. I’m tired of pretending I’m ok. I love my kids and my husband so much which is why I have to keep going. This feeling never goes away but some days or weeks are just harder.

Tired of living but have to for my husband and kids

Sophie_M — Mon, 13 Jun 2022 20:57:51 GMT

Dear Anna84,

We are pleased you found the courage to post about your internal pain and confusion. We are a very helpful and supportive community. Our members have been through quite a lot, so we feel pretty sure some will understand where you are coming from. And, we all really want to hear what you have to say.

We understand that you are feeling exhausted with life. We are pleased that your love for your husband and children is currently giving you the strength to continue, despite your bone-deep exhaustion; if we are understanding you correctly.

One thing we really do know is, almost everybody needs to feel heard and validated. It sounds to us like you don't feel like you are allowed to have a voice of your own. Would you be willing to talk about any of the things which you believe nobody wants to hear? We would truly like to hear you.

Besides all of us in this wonderful community who are interested in reading what you wish to write, we would also like to encourage you to call the counsellors on BeyondBlue Support Service at 1300 22 4636, or Lifeline on 13 1114, if you would prefer to talk to someone.

Please know, we are here, and we are listening.

Warm regards,

Sophie M.

Tired of living but have to for my husband and kids

Anna84 — Tue, 14 Jun 2022 10:12:20 GMT

Hi Sophie_M,

Thank you for your reply. I think you do understand me correctly.

I am willing to talk but the thing is, I really don’t have anything to complain about. It’s just my head. What would I say to anyone? I just feel sad and worried all the time about everything and nothing. It goes away sometimes but it’s always there beneath the surface.

I just feel overwhelmed constantly and keep going through these periods. I have been like this for years and have tried many many things. It was just a really bad day when I posted and I wasn’t coping and felt the need to verbalise my feelings.

I don’t know what the solution is but I will keep trying.

Tired of living but have to for my husband and kids

Bob_22 — Wed, 15 Jun 2022 09:41:59 GMT

Hi Anna84,

Sorry to hear that you've been feeling exhausted and have that pressure of pretending to be ok. I know you mentioned that you don't have much to complain about, but feeling sad and worried all the time doesn't necessarily need an external stressor. And you certainly don't need to bear it alone. Alot of the time these feelings can come various sources. E.g. I remember when I had my first bout of depression, things were going great for me at the time but seemingly out of nowhere I lost all sense of motivation and self worth. It wasn't until I sought help that I discovered sometimes that depression (which is what I was diagnosed with) can be genetically predisposed.

This is not the case for everyone but I would certainly advise making contact with your GP. Just because you can't find something to 'complain' about it doesn't disqualify your thoughts and feelings. There is also some great information on this site about a range of mental health issues such as depression. Home>the facts>depression>what causes depression. Hope this helps.

Bob

Tired of living but have to for my husband and kids

geoff — Wed, 15 Jun 2022 19:26:27 GMT

Hello Anna, when people are suffering from any type of depression it's not easy to say to anyone why this is, where do you begin and what can you say for them to believe you, especially when they believe you have everything going for you and there should be no reason for being depressed.

The trouble is they don't know what may be happening at school, work or with the family, this is when if you are under age you ask for a parent to take you to their doctor.

If you are married then your responsibilities may not be recognised or appreciated and need to seek help in ways that suit you and this could change for your own convenience.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

Tired of living but have to for my husband and kids

Fiatlux — Wed, 15 Jun 2022 23:39:09 GMT

Hi Anna84,

I hear you… we all hear you… we’re all there with you.

I understand that you felt very low when you posted and it’s a positive that you reached out.

Life is exhausting and especially when you feel depressed and hopeless about your future.

I try to look forward. I live for my children and for my future grandchildren who I can only dream about. I have decided that I too am living for them.

I too have intrusive thoughts and awful dreams. I have managed to block them for the most part.

And on the contrary, we are here to listen to your “complaining”. Everyone has a right to speak from the heart.

I am sure that I too looked like I had it all, a beautiful house, beautiful happy healthy children and a good income that allowed me a nice lifestyle. Looked perfect from the outside. But I didn’t see it. I worked my life away and barely saw my children so we could look like we had it all. I wasn’t happy.

My husband was ecstatic about all the material things that money could buy. I was miserable and would have given anything to change things.

At my lowest and most exhausted I sat on the kitchen floor bawling my eyes out all because I was called into work for yet another weekend and I had to miss my own daughter’s birthday party. I felt like the worst mother.

I worked 6 weeks straight of 12 hour shifts without a break. This happened often. My husband picked me off the floor, ushered me into the shower and out the door and off to work. That was the level of support that I received.

I hit absolute rock bottom and started saying NO. I had to say No, No More. I worked myself sick.

Society puts an enormous amount of strain on women to have it all. But at what cost?

Stay safe and keep reaching out.

Tired of living but have to for my husband and kids

Anna84 — Thu, 16 Jun 2022 13:12:45 GMT

Thank you Bob_22. I read the the facts about depression that you suggested. I think for me it is a combination of my personality as well as being genetically predisposed to depression. I am a chronic worrier and it runs in my family.

My GP is aware. It is certainly not new for me. I am medicated and manage it quite well but get so overwhelmed with life sometimes. It is not an easy topic to raise with people either. I don't have many close friends. I get along really well with people but have social anxiety as well which makes it hard for me to open up or form deep friendships even though I would love to be able to.

Thank you for responding 🙂

Tired of living but have to for my husband and kids

Anna84 — Thu, 16 Jun 2022 13:17:28 GMT

Hi Geoff,

Yes that is exactly it! Where do you start and how do you justify it? It feels so unwarranted and selfish to feel this way.

I was reading the news earlier tonight trying to fall asleep and there are so many horrific things happening in the world to others. I am incredibly lucky

Tired of living but have to for my husband and kids

Anna84 — Thu, 16 Jun 2022 14:22:56 GMT

Hi Faitlux,

That sounds so stressful. Can I ask what you did? Are things better now? Society really does put so much pressure on everyone to be perfect.

I am in a similar situation. Married with 3 kids, a house. We both work full time. We are so lucky and I am so grateful for what we have. We are not well off though. I feel torn between working and being a full time mother. My husband is wonderful, loving, supportive but I don't think he understands how drained I am. Every waking moment is spent worrying. I worry about being enough for my kids and looking after not only their basic needs but their emotional needs as well. I feel like I am not as good as other mothers.

I look after our finances, even though I am terrible at it. I have asked my husband over the years if he could take over but he never seems to end up doing it.

I am much like every other mother I guess. I do the groceries and clean the house on the weekend and have kids over for sleepovers every other weekend. But to be honest I just want to sleep. My head feels like it is in utter chaos.

I feel that if I gave up work I would be a much better mother and wife, and family life would be so much more enjoyable for everyone. I am always rushing around but never achieving anything and I worry I am not here enough for my kids.

Tired of living but have to for my husband and kids

Anna84 — Thu, 16 Jun 2022 14:23:32 GMT

I am also worried my husband has no motivation to do well in his job so I can't really be a stay at home mother because I need to earn money. I have a good job that I like and I feel very lucky to have it. Ever since covid my husband has been working from home and has been very reluctant to go back to the office. He is in his element because he can work from home but play his online games as well. I know this is his outlet but over the years there have been many arguments about the amount of time he spends playing them. We also had covid recently and he seems to be so tired and has no energy since, so he can't help around the house much at the moment.
I suggested that maybe her could be a stay at home dad and maybe I could try to progress at work to make up for some of the lost income. He said he would do that if we could afford to but I fear that instead of taking on all of the 'stay at home mum' tasks he would play games all day. I also realistically think it will be too hard for us to manage financially so I don't know what to do.
I love my family so much. I am just so overwhelmed and exhausted and I feel trapped between having to work and be a good mother. I feel like I am failing at both. My husband doesn't worry like I do. He doesn't worry about the kids emotional needs the same way. He doesn't worry about groceries or if the kids have what they need physically and emotionally every day. He doesn't have to worry about making sure we leave enough money for petrol and groceries each fortnight. He doesn't have to rush around and clean the house because visitors are coming over.
I know this is all so normal but I think my depression and anxiety makes it hard for me to cope. I am either going a hundred miles an hour or I cannot get out of bed and have bad thoughts. I feel sick when my husband tells me people are coming over because I am too drained to interact. I do think I manage my depression quite well though. I take my medication, I try to exercise when I can, I love having alone time to do yoga, just watching you tube videos. I very rarely drink because it messes with my head too much. But it still feels like I am forever climbing a hill and never reaching the top.

Tired of living but have to for my husband and kids

Anna84 — Thu, 16 Jun 2022 14:23:55 GMT

I am sorry to complain. I really don't have anyone I can talk to. I would never say these things about my husband to my family because I don't people to think badly of him, because he is a wonderful caring person. He would do anything for us. Although I am being negative right now there is so much that he does do that is wonderful.

Tired of living but have to for my husband and kids

geoff — Thu, 16 Jun 2022 15:48:07 GMT

Hello Anna, I must agree and say that there are on many an occasion a husband doesn't appreciate all the work a wife does and not thanked for everything they actually do, I realise this can also happen with a husband but it's your thread we are responding to, and know what you automatically achieve can go unnoticed by your family, whereas some men want to be recognised for what they do, so there should be a balance.

A mum's role is very complicated and want to be heard.

My best.

Geoff.

Tired of living but have to for my husband and kids

Anna84 — Fri, 17 Jun 2022 00:17:44 GMT

Yes that is very true. I didn’t mention all of the good that my husband does. He is amazing. Parenting is full on for any parent.

My husband tells me every day how much he loves me and appreciates me so I am certainly not lacking recognition or appreciation. I just wish I could manage/cope better mentally than I do.

Tired of living but have to for my husband and kids

Fiatlux — Fri, 17 Jun 2022 02:37:48 GMT

Hi Anna84,

Never apologise. And it’s not Complaining at all. I was there. Still am to an extent.

Everything that you have mentioned, I have been through and some. Doing it with depression makes it seem impossible.

I think that someone else has put the “complaining” thought into your head. Has someone told you that are complaining?

One of my pet hates are video games. These caused more conflict in our house than I care to remember.

Speaking to his parents never helped me either, except that his father did all the household chores, like mowing around our house. My husband would get a mowing service in rather than do this himself.

I often felt like I had a 4th child, except that this one wasn’t as well behaved as my younger ones.

I worked on a University campus for over 7 years and as students were allowed access 7 days and often late in the evening, the site had to be staffed all the times. It was my work colleagues that let me down often.

I loved my work however I didn’t have any help at home either. So like you my days off were spent on housework.

My husband was very rarely home on weekends. Always meeting friends for coffee any day of the week, just so he wasn’t home. He often left our children home alone while I was working. He would buy them toys and games to keep them occupied. This was really distressing. But he didn’t see the harm in it.

Every family goes through these stresses but not everyone feels like that they just can’t go on. Something has to give.

When I suggested that I would be happier downsizing and working less, my husband absolutely refused to consider it.

I am still working and plodding along as my children move into their later 20’s… life shouldn’t be this hard 🙏🏼

Tired of living but have to for my husband and kids

Anna84 — Fri, 17 Jun 2022 10:54:53 GMT

Thank you for understanding. I don’t think anyone has told me I’m complaining. I guess it just feels wrong because when I read back over my comments there is nothing there that is particularly out of the ordinary. Most of it is what everyone goes through. But depression is a funny thing and even when there is nothing significant, nothing traumatic, it can still feel like a big grey fog is smothering you and preventing you from feeling anything other than flat and hopeless.

I really like what you said in your previous reply…when you said “I try to look forward. I live for my children and for my future grandchildren who I can only dream about. I have decided that I too am living for them”.
I really do resonate with that statement. My kids are what keep me here and I often think of the future and what it will be like when they grow up and have their own children. I don’t want to miss out on that, even when I’m at my lowest.

Tired of living but have to for my husband and kids

geoff — Fri, 17 Jun 2022 16:48:02 GMT

Hello Anna and Fiatlux, with all your great comments, one thing I've found is that when you want to disclose how you are feeling, the other person interrupts you and seems to take over the conversation by duplicating exactly what you have said and then putting all of this on themselves and not you.

This, unfortunately, can stop you from wanting to talk because it's not helping you with opening up.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

Tired of living but have to for my husband and kids

Anna84 — Fri, 17 Jun 2022 21:37:35 GMT

Hi Geoff,

I don’t think I understand what you mean? Would you mind elaborating? Maybe this is why I struggle to form real friendships.

Tired of living but have to for my husband and kids

Anna84 — Sat, 02 Jul 2022 08:26:44 GMT

I am really struggling. I am still having all of these feelings but I don’t want to hurt my family. I honestly feel hopeless, unable to cope with normal everyday things. I have to put on a happy face and make conversation with people but at the same time I am trying not to cry.
When it comes to my kids I feel like I can never please them but at the same time it would probably damage them if I was that selfish.

Tired of living but have to for my husband and kids

Bob_22 — Sat, 02 Jul 2022 10:52:35 GMT

Hi Anna84,

Thank you for updating us and for reaching out again. I'm sorry that you're struggling and I hope you're still finding some support on the forums. Regarding your question about forming relationships, I believe what Geoff is referring to is using 'assertive communication'. It can be difficult to learn for someone who seems to suffer quietly like yourself but can be a great tool. This is something I learned with my psychologist when communicating with my friends and parents. It's alot to get into but it is essentially communicating your needs and focusing on how a situation (e.g. video games) makes you feel as opposed to saying that they are a bad thing. I learned some of this online through a site called thiswayup.org.au which is an online CBT resource that your provider can refer you for. 🙂

Also, just as a reminder with any negative thoughts you might have. Please continue to do what you have been doing which is reaching out. To your GP and psychiatrist but also to any friends or relatives who you feel you can share with. This is difficult to do, but expanding our support network is a vital tool in combating depression. If you don't feel comfortable, perhaps discuss ways you could share with a loved one with your GP or psychologist. Finding and opening up to support people is easier said than done, but it makes a world of difference when we can find those connections.

Hope this helps a little 🙂

Bob

Tired of living but have to for my husband and kids

Anna84 — Sat, 02 Jul 2022 12:27:39 GMT

Thank you for replying Bob. It helps to be heard. Oh ok, I think I understand now. I will make sure I have a look at thiswayup.org.au as well

I don’t know why I can’t open up to anyone. I do really dread the thought of crying in front of my gp and I know that as soon as I start to explain I won’t be able to hold back the tears. So it’s easier to say nothing. I think also, as I’ve previously mentioned I think, that it’s difficult to tell friends or family as well because it’s not something I can explain to them and I don’t feel that my situation warrants such strong negative feelings. I have nothing to be sad about and I don’t want to seem ungrateful for everything I have. They wouldn’t understand.

thanks again for listening.