topic A waste of space in Suicidal thoughts and self-harm

A waste of space

Hopelesslee — Tue, 25 Jan 2022 03:56:56 GMT

Hello, my name is Lee-Ann

Thank you for allowing me to join your community and feel safe sharing my not so happy thoughts and feelings.
Ive been alone for 5 years now, no friends, extremely minimal family contact with one member and I feel like I’m the only one on the planet. I’m not sure how this site works yet but I hope someone can hear me.. I keep wondering if this would be a good year to stop the pain.

A waste of space

white knight — Tue, 25 Jan 2022 04:10:55 GMT

Hi, welcome

I've been here 9 years nearly, a community champion for 7.5 years or so. Of all the things you might be able to do to make friends the one thing that will help more than anything is to

Buy a cute little pedigree dog
Join a dog club for that breed
Walk your dog

Sounds simple and it is. We have a mini fox terrier, the love of our life. The ease of which to make friends is amazing but not only that, their company is amazing. Teach them tricks, they'll cuddle up every night. In fact if you can with your accommodation- buy two, they'll play together.

It there more information you'd like to share with us?

TonyWK

A waste of space

Sophie_M — Tue, 25 Jan 2022 04:20:25 GMT

Hi Lee-Ann,

We're sorry to hear you've not been having much social contact. We can imagine that must be really difficult, especially after a long amount of time. We can hear you're not feeling sure about how you might move forward on the journey towards feeling better, but we want you to know that posting here can be a really important step.

We are reaching out to you privately, but we'd encourage you to reach out to our counsellors directly on 1300 22 4636, or you can chat online here. If you're thinking about suicide, it's really important to reach out to a medical professional or support service.

Maybe you'd like to share a bit more about how you're feeling? Is there anything you can think of that has helped you get through, or made you feel better in the last few years?

Thank you for your bravery and openness in sharing here. We know that isn't easy, and we hope you can see what a powerful step that is to have taken. We are with you, and this community will be here for you with kindness and understanding for what you're feeling and going through.

Kind regards,

Sophie M

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Croix — Tue, 25 Jan 2022 12:11:06 GMT

Dear Lee-Anne~

I too would like to welcome you here, and think you might have had some pretty good advice already. Five years basically alone must have seemed an eternity, and I hope we can help you change matters.

The most important thin is to convince you about one solid fact, you are no waste of space. You are a human being, wiht strengths as well as weaknesses and capacities and capabilities you many not have dreamed of.

You can of course, as been said, post and talk here. There is a wide variety of sections and threads, ranging from the most serious though to comedy and fun.

Outside of this place there are other avenues. Perhaps you might have thought of them already. Basically looking at volunteering is always a good start. It may not be in least like you would imagine and very often you can combine voluntary activity with an interest you may already have.

There is citizen science, where you assist scientists by gathering or processing data. Museums where you can acquire or display a knowledge of art, or film or anything to do with history and the natural sciences. Of course there is working in a shop, like St Vinnies, or cooking in a shelter.

I've not touched the surface

It all depends.

Would you like to say the sorts of things you are interested in?

I hope to hear from you soon

Croix

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Petal22 — Tue, 25 Jan 2022 14:56:50 GMT

Hi Lee - Anne,

Wellcome to our forums!

Im sorry you have been alone and feel this way.

We are a very caring supportive community and we are here to listen to you.

Please tell us more when you are ready.

A waste of space

quirkywords — Wed, 26 Jan 2022 00:57:06 GMT

lee Ann
welcome to the forum>
sophie< tony croix< petal have all given you supportive suggestions>

feeling isolated in a world where everyone seems connected is hard>
we are listening to your words and you are not alone>

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Hopelesslee — Wed, 26 Jan 2022 07:11:17 GMT

Thank you for your kind suggestions.. I have a small dog but it is getting to a stage where even his loyalty and constant companionship is not enough.. I cannot see a light at the end of my tunnel and find I no longer have the strength to be interested in anything anymore. Why does life have to be like this? I was tested and found to have inherited a depression gene from my father's side..I believe I am a coward as I cannot do what I think of often..I just want to stop the pain.

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Sophie_M — Wed, 26 Jan 2022 07:24:18 GMT

Hey Lee-Ann,

We're really sorry to hear how low you're feeling today but are glad to see you're reaching out for support this afternoon,

We can hear you're feeling lonely and know this must be so hard. We hope our community here can be a warm and supportive place for you to share your thoughts. In addition to this, we'd also like to recommend the following booklet on our website which has some great resources on how to manage loneliness: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/docs/default-source/resources/408362_0318_bl1366_hrnt.pdf

We'd also urge you to contact our Support Service. We have some friendly and supportive counselors there who can listen and point you in the right direction for help in your area. We’re available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 1pm-12am AEDT on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport.

Let us know what strategies you might find helpful to implement and please keep us updated here Lee-Ann,

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Croix — Wed, 26 Jan 2022 13:06:32 GMT

Dear Lee-Ann~

I'm going to jump right in and assume that then you said " believe I am a coward as I cannot do what I think of often..I just want to stop the pain." you were talking of ending you life.

If I'm mistaken I apologize.

At one stage in my life my whole world seemed hopeless, that the problems were caused by me being the way I was, that life was truly horrible and I really did not want to keep on going.

Like you I thought of a 'way out' and berated myself for not doing so straight away. Like you I felt this was lack of willpower combined with weakness and fear, making me feel even more unhappy with myself.

I ended up with medical help, something sorely needed as I was simply getting worse by myself. As you can see it must have been effective, after all I'm here writing to you and giving you suggestions that do not fit - at the moment anyway.

Later, on reflection I came ot the conclusion that my self-accusations of cowardice were in fact something else entirely. I did not want ot die, like you I simply wanted the horrible pain to stop, and my mind had not quite convinced itself that taking my life was the only way - so I hesitated. Not cowardice, survival instinct.

Just as well I did.

Now my life is unrecognizable, I'm glad to be here. I was a total mess but got to where I am now, if I can then I'd imagine you can too.

May I suggest when you have these feelings you call the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467) - a service I particularly recommenced. You can call more than once without having ot re-explain everything all over again, they are sensible, practical and professional -and can be comfort too.

Combined with Sophie_M's suggestions there is a way forward.

I hope we can keep on talking

Croix

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Chris_Tas — Wed, 26 Jan 2022 13:21:45 GMT

Yes stay with us.

Fantastic courage in sharing your emotions.

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geoff — Wed, 26 Jan 2022 14:18:58 GMT

Hello Lee-Ann, please let us welcome you the site.

None of us knows whether or not we carry the same gene as our parents if they have suffered from this illness until it actually happens.

Our pet will still be loyal to us, it's just that sometimes it doesn't make any difference to how we are feeling but this certainly doesn't make anyone a coward so please never feel this way because I, along with many others have been in your position before and realise that it's this illness causing this problem.

When you recognise the endearing look your dog gives you, with their eyes, and it will come, then you will you will understand that the first step to being able to overcome your illness can begin, before this, just lay down and wait for it to lay next to you and realise how much you love it.

Can I ask whether or not your father is suffering at the moment and really hope to hear back from you.

Geoff.

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Hopelesslee — Sat, 05 Feb 2022 12:16:05 GMT

Hello Geoff,

My father passed away 17 years ago.
It was a leading depression specialist, nationally recognised based here in Adelaide that sent me for the test to determine the inherited gene for depression. It came back as being positive for the gene.

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Hopelesslee — Sat, 05 Feb 2022 12:29:47 GMT

Hello Petal22,

Thank you for your response.
Each day my urge to leave this life gets stronger.. Even though my life has been lonely for a long time, I married a Kenyan man last December. Two days later, he went back to Kenya, we spent no time together either before or after our marriage. He took thousands of dollars from me and has now blocked all contact.
I thought I had finally found love when instead I have just increased my pain a thousand fold… Inside I feel like I am trapped and going mad, I cannot escape this horrible manic feeling. Nothing is helping me feel normal anymore. I am not religious and there is no bias to those who are but I just wonder why am I constantly pushed down just when I think my life might have some meaning. I have lost all interest in everything and my heart is dead.

A waste of space

Petal22 — Sat, 05 Feb 2022 13:57:38 GMT

Hi Hopelesslee,

Im so sorry to hear what the Kenyan man did that must have been devastating for you.

Shame on him! What he did is a reflection of himself and not you.

You sound like a very lovely caring person who only wanted love.

Love is still possible for you, please don’t loose hope.

I understand the feeling of being trapped inside ourselves and like everything inside us feels out of control.

I have a lived experience of severe anxiety OCD when I was in the depths of this condition I felt trapped in my own mind everything in my self felt out of control…. I sometimes couldn’t believe that this was my life in this moment it felt so foreign to me.

I knew I had to keep fighting I had to find a way to get through my days that seemed to go for ever………. I had to persevere and push forward no matter what the days threw at me.

This condition taught me perseverance, resilience and to always hold onto hope.

I eventually received the therapy that I needed from health professionals to learn how to break free of my condition……… it was life changing for me.

Have you been recommended any therapy?

I learned meditation this is something I believe got me over the line… have you ever tried this?

I learned to look for the positive in everything and to be mindful.

Please hang in there…… we are here to support you.

A waste of space

Croix — Sun, 06 Feb 2022 11:44:11 GMT

Dear Hopelesslee~

I'm very sorry to hear what happen and know this will have made a huge difference to you. Sadly you are by no means alone, an awful lot of people are taken in by romance scams and find it terribly hard to believe there was nothing there in the first place, no love, just acting and cold calculation.

There is a great temptation to hope against hope it is just some terrible mistake and they will reappear, a very natural reaction.

Unfortunatly the scam often makes the person view themself as in some way lacking or at fault, when in fact they are simply loving people who expect others to behave in the same manner thay do.

Would you like to say if you have taken any official action over this?

Some people find it gives them a measure of control in their lives which otherwise thay might seem to feel lost, and also it makes it harder for that person to repeat the same scam back in Australia again.

I'd like to end this post on a more hopeful and personal note

I've been married twice now, my first wife passed way after 25 years, I remarried and we have been together for a further 20+ year too. Both marriages have loving and trusting , fun and happy. There are good people who do cherish their partners, and age is no real bar. We both remarried in middle age.

Can I suggest - my apologies if you have done this already - you seek counseling. Talking to an understanding person may give you fresh perspective and stop you feeling all alone.

I do hope you return and we talk some more.

Croix

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geoff — Sun, 06 Feb 2022 15:44:54 GMT

Hello Hopelesslee, I've just read about how you were conned and feel very sorry for you, I guess you have to go through this yourself to understand what it exactly means, as I have myself and it's so annoying, especially warning other people not to be scammed, but years ago it got me at a weak moment but it wasn't a great deal, not like what you have suffered from and I'm dearly so sorry.

The information you have experienced will certainly help anybody else who may be positioned in the same situation and the knowledge you have learned will be valuable for many.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

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therising — Sun, 06 Feb 2022 18:34:02 GMT

Hi Lee-Ann

My heart truly goes out to you as you struggle through having met with someone who could only be described as being one of the most self serving heartbreaking soul destroying people in this world. While I've met with some basically heartbreaking soul destroying people in my life, I've never met with anyone as highly destructive as that guy from Kenya. I can only imagine what you're going through and I'm sure what I imagine and what I feel doesn't even come close to how you're feeling. I wish I was there, sitting beside you, encouraging you a have a massive vent when it comes to that guy. If Karma is a thing, I hope the dose he gets equals the pain you're in. Maybe not a nice thing to say but just a reflection of how much I feel for you.

I can't help but wonder how you feel about the specialist's diagnosis. Did it lead you to think 'Yeah...well...so...where do I go from here?'. Does it lead you to feel like you've received the feedback and have then been left alone to deal with it? Did he make any seriously constructive suggestions, guiding you toward the next stage? Did he give you the clearest path from here on in? Looking back on my years in depression, which are somewhat behind me, I'm stunned by the number of specialists who deal with depression who are actually quite depressing. From the psychologist who led me to feel things were going nowhere to the ones who led me to the depressing trial and error process of finding which anti depressant works. Seriously depressing when none of them work and no one's guiding you through that incredibly challenging emotional process of reoccurring disappointment. While facing depression, it was always a matter of 'What's wrong with me? Why is nothing working?'. Outside of depression it became more so a matter of 'What's wrong with these people? What the hell are they doing?'. Perspective can lead us to feel what is either hellish or heavenly, depending on the influences we face (mindset, chemistry, genetics, experiences, the people around us etc).

Wondering if you've ever heard of the field/study of epigenetics. So much fascinating research in this field. With 'Epigenetics' defined as 'Above genetics', part of the research involves how to switch genes on and off, what influences the on/off switches is amazing. The idea that we have the ability to influence our genes and their behaviour is mind blowing. It is said that certain triggers can switch genes on, just as certain triggers can switch them off.