topic What can I do now? in Suicidal thoughts and self-harm

What can I do now?

dumbledoor — Sun, 09 May 2021 23:39:35 GMT

I've been struggling with depression for 6 years (since I was 12). I made a vow 6 years ago, that I would not live to see my 18th birthday, and that day is just 1 year away.

I feel sad and tired all the time, I have no energy as getting out of the bed for school can take me over an hour on bad days. I don't eat properly, I skip lunch and breakfast nearly every day. I am also socially awkward, which is why I've always resorted to online forums as I mentally cannot speak to people about "these" things. I don't trust my parents, I keep everything from them.

From a young age, I've always wanted to be a doctor, however the last few years have proved to me that I am incapable. I cannot focus on my work, and I have spoken about ADHD to my parents but was brushed off. My mum calls me autistic, and tells my younger sister to never end up the way I am. That said, I am a Mensan if that even means anything, so I know I'm not retarded.

I have severe anxiety, which can act up at any time. This includes social anxiety, performance anxiety, situational anxiety and haphephobia. When I get panic attacks I feel suicidal. I feel like I could just impale myself on a fence.

Sometimes I see, hear and feel things. One night I was in bed, my curtain was the translucent kind. It came suddenly, I felt something watching me yet I couldn't move to turn around, I was paralysed. I felt like I was going to die, and this thing was about to burst through my window at any moment. I doubt it was sleep paralysis, because I am certain I was awake. There was a time in primary school when someone told me the stories about Bloody Mary. For months afterwards, I was seeing her bloody face everywhere, especially at night when I felt like she was creeping up on me. I was afraid to go into a room alone in case she suddenly burst out of somewhere.

Sometimes I can go into a trance, where I feel like a robot being controlled by another being. Feeling like I'm watching in third person.

I haven't told anyone about these problems, apart from some online friends who I have no real contact with and are too far to reach me. I can't talk to people, physically and mentally can't. I know it's a problem. I don't talk to people because I know they'll try to help me, which makes me feel "weak" (my mum is the cause of this problem, but I can't change it now. Its ingrained into me).

There is more I would like to write, but it won't fit.

What can I do? I don't plan to live to work. Life is a curse.

What can I do now?

Sophie_M — Sun, 09 May 2021 23:51:25 GMT

Hi Dumbledoor,

Welcome to the forums - we think it is an incredible and brave step to take to reach out for support when you are feeling the way that you are. We want to say how thankful we are that you have been able to show the courage to share your story as well as you have. It sounds like you are going through a really difficult time thinking about your future and dealing with a lot of scary thoughts and feelings. We are so sorry to hear that you are feeling that way.

We will be reaching out privately to offer support but there are some other places that we think would be really useful for you to check out now as well.

We think that it would be a good step to talk to someone abotu how you are feeling. You can always call us on 1300 22 4636. Or, Kids Helpline on 1800 55 1800 - they are wonderful at supporting young people who are feeling really low.

If you don't feel safe than this is an emergency and it is important that you call 000 straight away.

Other options for support that you could check out are online chats. Sometimes these can be easier than talking on the phone - there are few links below if you want to give that a go. These aren't 24/7 services though, so please keep that in mind.

https://www.kidshelpline.com.au/get-help/webchat-counselling
https://online.beyondblue.org.au/WebModules/Chat/InitialInformation.aspx
https://www.lifeline.org.au/get-help/online-services/crisis-chat

Thank you again Dumbledoor for sharing how you are feeling with us, it is an incredible step towards getting support when you are feeling so low. We think you are really brave. Please feel free to come back and update us on how you are feeling if you want to 🙂

Kind regards,

Sophie M

What can I do now?

Aaronsis — Mon, 10 May 2021 00:07:24 GMT

Welcome dumbledoor

It is so wonderful that you have found yourself here to chat and to get some support. I hear you, and I am here for you and I care very much. See your story is so very similar to one that is the very reason I found myself here on the forum, and that is I lost my 19 year old brother in 2019. I feel like if he could of or would have shared so bravely like what you have done here, the words may have been quite similar.

It is not easy to talk, to reach out and to speak so with every ounce of my being I commend you for doing so, you are not weak. The strength it takes to reach out is phenomenal.

I want to also say to you that while you are struggling to get out of bed each day, that while you are not able to eat or make choices on what to eat or even to eat, you do..you do get out of bed, this is a huge achievement.

I hear what you are saying as I think you will see that it is a common feeling if you are reading other posts, not being able to talk on the phone, or express how you feel, or verbally communicate. Then there are times when you don't even know how you feel, so how do you reach out to get support when you dont know what it is you are feeling. I do want to make sure though that you are safe and if you are not please call an ambulance on 000 and have them come to you. I also want to call out some online support services that you can connect with like Kids Helpline webchat, I will put the link here:

https://kidshelpline.com.au/get-help/webchat-counselling

I wanted to tell you how proud I am of you for speaking here, for reaching out, this was the ONE thing I to this day pray that my brother had of been able to do. You have done that and I want to sit with you, to listen and to see if by sharing and chatting we can help you to see the magnificence in you.

You have said you have been feeling like this since you were 12, this is a long time to negate your way through with out much support. I am wondering how you would feel about seeing a GP and to even show then what you have written here to start you off, they will continue the conversation with you and help you have this conversation as it is so very important, you are important and getting professional help might be the start for your journey to wellness, you deserve that.

I understand what you mean about not talking as you dont want to seem weak, can I say to you how strong I think you are and I am so beyond proud of you.

I hope to chat some more to you dumbledoor

Hugs

Sarah

What can I do now?

Bananna — Mon, 10 May 2021 16:11:13 GMT

Hi Dumbledoor.

I came to this forum tonight because I was looking for someone to talk to and, like you, I struggle to open up face to face with strangers, and I’m reluctant to say too much to friends or family.

I came across your post and instead of making one of my own, I’d like to respond to yours. You sound very like one of my teenage kids, who has also been struggling with their mental health. They also deal with anxiety, depression, are currently being assessed for ADHD (among other things)

The main thing I want to put across to you is this: recognising problematic symptoms within yourself and asking for help is not weak. I know you say this attitude/thought process is ingrained and you feel there is nothing you can do to change that. Yet, you’ve posted here. That’s not weak. It’s brave.

I totally understand why it’s hard to reach out. I relate to your feelings around that. I’m here, on this forum, because I feel like that too sometimes, and have had similar conditioning.

My kiddo has experienced some issues close to yours. Depression, social and other anxiety. Poor relationship with food, some experiences with disassociating, and definite signs of ADHD.

If your parents or family aren’t supportive or understanding, you have the ability (and the right) to seek help independently. Again, this is brave, and powerful. It’s not weak. Tell yourself that, every damn day.

A GP can be useful. They can refer you on to various adolescent mental health providers who, I promise you, have heard stories like yours many many times. They won’t judge you, or blame you. They are impartial professionals, who are also empathetic and invested in your mental wellness.

Its more than okay to ask for help (in spite of what your mum says) You could say you owe it to yourself, what you’re describing sounds like it’s challanging to deal with and you’ve said here you’re aware it’s a prob.

This isn’t a no hope situation. You’re already a step on the way by recognising this is an issue for you, another step was posting here. The next step is seeing a GP, and then on to professional mental health services. I reiterate, these steps aren’t weak.

My kid has taken these steps and like you, found them initially difficult. Things still aren’t perfect but they are a lot better than they were. There’s light at the end of the tunnel.

I guess I really wanted you to know you are not alone, there is a way forward, you do have some control, and you are far from weak.

What can I do now?

dumbledoor — Mon, 10 May 2021 23:35:43 GMT

I can't see anyone, because I can't talk. I want to, but I just can't for some reason, it's like the words get stuck in my throat. Seeing a GP, therapist, even school counselor is impossible because I know for a fact that these people will be able to reach my parents, and then everyone will know.

Last time people (teachers) found out, I was suspended from school and I was mocked not only by my classmates but also my parents and sister.

What can I do now?

dumbledoor — Tue, 11 May 2021 00:39:25 GMT

I'm not brave. I'm much closer to a coward.

Talking in an online forum is the furthest I can go, and even now I'm taking a risk because this is an Australian forum.

The biggest difference between me and your child, is that my own parents do not know about this. I don't talk to them, I can't. I can't talk to anyone.

What can I do now?

Aaronsis — Tue, 11 May 2021 01:39:51 GMT

You are so brave dumbledoor, and I say that as it is true, not because I have to .. it is hard for people to post here just as it is for you to talk..and here you are sharing how you are feeling.

I want to shine some more light on that statement you made "I can't see anyone, because I can't talk. I want to, but I just can't for some reason, it's like the words get stuck in my throat." and that is the power of the written word, and in fact the very words you have written here..if you printed out what you have written so very well and showed it to a GP or a professional they WILL start the words with you, they WILL be able to start the conversation right in the very place you need to. Even when you are in this consultation you don't HAVE to speak, you can continue to write, respond in any other format other than your voice.

Then there is the second part of the equation and that is "others finding out"..I know as an adult the answer is very different from the answer that is satisfactory for a young person. See the response I would like to say to you is "WHO GIVES A DAMN"..what other people think of me, my mental health and my life is really not my concern. As long as I am being the best human I can, making good choices and doing what I can to remain well, the only person I am accountable to is me. HOWEVER, I know this is not the same for younger people today. I am so sorry that you were suspended from school, I am only hoping that it was as a measure to keep you safe and for your wellbeing as not as punishment, as that would just be so painful. With regards to family, this is the hard part, especially when you are at home. I would like to talk to you some more about the mocking that you went through, if you feel like sharing.

Being a parent is hard, so hard, and it comes with no book and no remorse...if you make a mistake you have to acknowledge it and do your best to own it and make it right, well that is what I try to do. We do make mistakes, we do get it wrong and we don't know always the best way to handle a situation, especially if it is in an area that we know nothing about, like for instance metal health. Can I suggest to you that your parents may be feeling the same way? That they don't know and they don't understand...this is just my guess here, please let me know if I have it wrong.

I also want to assure you that here you are safe, you are anonymous and we care so much.

Hugs to you dumbledoor (he was my favorite in the HP series btw)

Sarah

What can I do now?

Bananna — Tue, 11 May 2021 02:19:44 GMT

But you are talking. You’re talking to us, and eloquently expressing yourself. I want to reiterate what Sarah said, because I was going to make the same suggestion myself: if you DO decide to see a GP or other health pro, you can write everything down and give it to them if you find a written medium an easier form of communication. I totally relate, I’m a texter not a caller, and if I have something important to say I always find I’m way more expressive when I write. So, I get where you are coming from regarding the difficulty you experience in FTF convos. Writing it all down and taking it with you gives them a really good starting point to open a conversation with you, and they are truely used to people who have difficulty opening up. I think it’s a fairly common thing.

I’m sorry your school reacted the way they did. My kiddos school reacted in a similar way a year or two ago when they reached out to a councillor. They had their policy around it, but we and kiddo found it spectacularly unhelpful. I’m sorry you had the same experience.

Can I clarify, you’re almost 18? If that’s correct, you can seek and consent to medical treatment independently of your parents in most cases and you have a right to confidentiality. So there’s that. Are you in Australia and do you have your own Medicare card? Sometimes even the number is adequate.

When you say you can’t talk about any of this stuff, I want to point out to you that, just by being here, you are talking about it and that’s awesome. If reaching out to a GP or similar feels overwhelming or impossible right now, remember you’ve made a start here and there are people who will empathise and will listen to you. I’m no med pro and can’t give advice that’s anything more than a general nature but I don’t think your situation is impossible. I do think professional help in navigating your thoughts and feelings will be ultimately beneficial, until then, people are here whenever you want to vent.

What can I do now?

Bananna — Tue, 11 May 2021 03:46:34 GMT

Also, just adding to this: I’m an adult who has long suspected I fall on the ADHD spectrum somewhere. As a kid I could not focus on school, in spite of the best of intentions. I was called lazy, disorganised, and told I lacked focus or ambition. As an adult I’m still horribly disorganised, easily distracted, a procrastinator. I’ll hyper focus on some things while letting other more immediately important stuff slide. I also experience some depression, anxiety and sometimes feel overwhelmingly hopeless.

I think it’s time for me to seek a formal diagnosis and therapy. Having a formal diagnosis would be a relief tbh, it would explain a lot and I think it would go a long way in helping me squash the ingrained idea that I’m hopeless, and doomed to fail at many things I attempt.

I can’t say if you have ADHD or not. But you suspect that you’re perhaps not nuerotypical, that’s worth investigating. Having a label can help. It can give you some answers and clarity as to WHY. Therapy can give you the tools to utilitiese your strengths , and also help with some other things that can sit along side ADHD, like anxiety and depression.

I’m being a little hypocritical here, because I also haven’t sought proper diagnosis or therapy for myself. I think I should. It’s all very well for me to encourage you to seek professional help but I’m going to take my own advice. Btw I also intensely dislike talking face to face with strangers, I too find the words get stuck and I never say what I really need to. I’m going to try again. I don’t know where it will land but I do know I’m tired of feeling like I live in a sea of molasses. I also think there is a core driver for my depressed low state, sence of hopelessness and feelings of being constantly overwhelmed and like I’m a bit player in someone else’s movie at times.

We can both do this. I’m gonna try, because I want something better for myself, I think I deserve it and I think you do too. Virtual hugs.

What can I do now?

dumbledoor — Wed, 12 May 2021 12:41:43 GMT

I'm actually thinking of seeing a school psychologist about ADHD now because the last two days I've been writing my science report I've literally made no progress. I have a draft of one due tomorrow and a second final due on Friday, which I've only done about 50% of. I want to do well, I want to write the report but every time I look at my paper I lose interest. I just get bored and lose all motivation. I promised to myself I wouldn't procrastinate but I've done it again. I feel like I'm going to fail school, is there any point in going further? I literally can't focus and I've been sitting at my desk for four hours now, with no progress at all. My mum doesn't believe I have ADHD because I can focus when I'm gaming, to the point where I won't even hear someone calling my name.

What can I do now?

dumbledoor — Wed, 12 May 2021 12:59:20 GMT

My parents think they understand everything, but they don't. My dad thinks that restricting the wifi and blocking all the ports will stop me from gaming (which it mostly has but I usually always find a way around, and this time it's caused a security breach on the home wifi) but what he really did was take away one of my only coping methods.

My dad actually used to physically abuse me, he doesn't anymore though. My mum on the other hand is (in my opinion) always looking for way to manipulate and control me. She would talk smack smack about me, and seconds later try and "comfort" and pretend to understand what I was feeling. My parents play good cop bad cop, they would tell me how worthless I am, and moments later my mum (the "good" cop) would come and scream at my dad for yelling at me and losing his temper, and then proceed to tell me how I could one day be successful if I really tried, I could be the next youngest billionaire or something like that and how I'm actually "smart". My mum is really good at giving me hope, just when all felt lost. She would make me hopeful again despite the fact I know she didn't mean what she said. Hope is hard to kill, especially when someone gives it to you when you're literally at breaking point. During these nights, I think about running away. But you know what happens in the morning again? She starts screaming at me about how worthless I am, basically going back on everything she said the night before. She knows how to give me hope and then crush it in the most excruciating way. It's painful.

If I cry, I am called weak. If I ask my mum to take me to a therapist (which I have multiple times before) about my concentrating problems she would tell me I'm lazy, that I don't have it and if I really did a "strong" person can overcome it on their own (this is another way of calling me weak). She said the difference between successful people and regular people is because of their strength. I am according to her weak, and she's right.

I can throw tantrums at home, but as soon as I'm outside I'm afraid to even order food. I am weak because of that.

I'm not sure how much sense I'm making as I'm writing late at night after sitting at my desk trying to focus on my work for four hours.

What can I do now?

Aaronsis — Fri, 14 May 2021 05:33:34 GMT

Hey dumbledoor

Apologies for my late reply. I have been thinking alot about your post though and how I can respond to some of the things that are happening to you, that as you quite rightly say, are not teaching you a lesson, or creating a form of punishment, but are in fact taking away your ability to cope. I can also see it from their point of view that gaming = waste of time = so that is why your studies are suffering. Once again though this is from a view of not understanding some of the reasons you to engage in the games and that is, I am assuming here, to escape, to forget, to not feel the pain of what is going on for you right now..would I be right there? I also wanted to say to you though that it would be very frustrating for them to put something in place, like restricting the wifi and them thinking that they are trying to do what is best, to have you be able to break down these restrictions and access it anyway. This is the power of communication, you letting them know why you need the gaming, why you do what you do and also sharing how you feel. The thing with feelings is that they cannot tell you that you are wrong, or that you can't feel that way, or it is not that way or this..they are your feelings and how you feel is real.

And just like that we are back at the talking part...so there are other ways to communicate with them, and the fact that things are going down paths that they need not probably means it is very much the time to help them out too, to let them know that when they do or say THIS it makes you feel like THAT...this is your reality and how you are feeling and they cannot deny that. So there is writing them a letter, there is recording something on your phone and sending it to them ( I know it is still talking but you would be talking to your phone) there is also texting and even being in the same room and having a conversation over text so that you can communicate and get out what you need to say to them.

I am so very sorry that in the past you have been physically abused by your dad, I am so very happy to hear that this does not happen anymore. That does not mean it still does not hurt.

I am wondering if you have thought about getting on the web chat with Kids Helpline, afterall, they are the professionals, they can give you some great advice and support, worth a chat to them, even to practice how to "talk" with your parents.

Here for you and hope to chat some more soon, to see if we can help ease some of the pain.

Sarah

What can I do now?

dumbledoor — Mon, 17 May 2021 02:01:19 GMT

I actually can't get any help. I'm wondering if there is anything I can do that won't involve anyone else, much less them knowing? I can't talk to my parents because I don't know how, if I do I will strain my already broken relationship with them.

I can't talk to people because I just can't. The words will not come out, and its not limited to just talking. I can't let people know how I'm feeling, I don't know why but I just hate the fact that they would know. I talk to myself sometimes, as if there is a person with me who will listen to my thoughts. The person is often someone I know in real life, someone who I want to share my thoughts with but unable to. I can imagine amazing scenarios of myself (an alternate life maybe) where I don't have all these problems, where I am happy. It feels very real, sometimes more real than the life I am actually living in. Sometimes I won't notice I am dreaming. I hate it when these dreams end.

I don't want my parents to think me weak, to think I need to rely on a game to cope with life.

My parents already hate me, my mum has reminded me countless times how they can kick me out if they wanted.

"Don't you already understand? You're in year 11, if you don't want to study then don't, no one cares anymore."

"I want you to hurry up and fail so I can get rid of you sooner."

"I used to think you could be something great, but now I think you're lucky to work at McDonald's. Next time I see you you'll be so fat you're fat will be spilling out of your clothes" and then to my sister "you can't end up like her, I believe you will get a good job and maybe one day your sister will be asking you to borrow money."

"I can't believe that I gave birth to such a failure"

There are many many more insults, but I don't even remember them. If you asked me how my parents treat me I would probably need to think for a while, because I honestly have forgotten them. Maybe its my brain shutting out these toxic comments.

What can I do now?

Sophie_M — Mon, 17 May 2021 02:50:06 GMT

Hello again dumbledoor,

It looks like you have done an amazing job at expressing the situation you are in and how it is making you feel. It is such a great step to be engaging and talking here on the forums. We thought we would check-in again and see how you are going and suggest that you give the Kids Helpline, Beyond Blye or Lifeline a call.

Beyond Blue 1300 22 4636
Kids Helpline1800 55 1800
Lifeline 13 11 14

We know it can be super tough to talk about it but it can also really help. We hope you were able to talk to someone at school about how you are feeling, they may also be able to help with when projects are due and help with some of the stress that school work can cause.

Thank you for being brave and sharing your story on the forums and please keep us updated on how you are going if you feel comfortable.

Kind regards,
Sophie M

What can I do now?

tranzcrybe — Mon, 17 May 2021 04:45:04 GMT

It's so sad when parents 'embed' a design for who their children will become (and even sadder when it's for the purpose of enhancing their own grandeur - ie, how you are supposed to reflect us). The irony is that often these same parents do little to support and encourage the personal development by promoting individuality and confidence in their children. For you to have a solid place to fall back on when things get tough is the role all parents should assume and you are being denied this vital 'safe harbour'. I feel for your situation and would congratulate you on having self determination in the face of such torment - you are indeed stronger than you realise - and while this is such a trial for you presently, I hope it will propel you forward to discover your true and significant self in the face of such vitriol.

What can I do now?

dumbledoor — Mon, 17 May 2021 23:11:57 GMT

If I was able to get help I would have a long time ago..

I don't talk to anyone at school. Never have and never will. The only time I will talk to someone is if I know I'll never see them again, if I know that they'll be too far away to reach me, if I know that they can't find me through someone else. I trust strangers. I don't trust family.

I feel like it's good to mention that my current school is my 9th school since Prep. I'm always moving around anyways, there's is no point in getting to know people.

What can I do now?

dumbledoor — Mon, 17 May 2021 23:14:06 GMT

And this morning:

"Someone on your level will never understand what I'm doing." Meaning that people like me (who are seemingly addicted to gaming etc) will never reach the same level as someone like her.

What can I do now?

dumbledoor — Mon, 17 May 2021 23:16:14 GMT

Yes. My mum has always said how could she, someone of her status give birth to someone like me.

What can I do now?

dumbledoor — Mon, 17 May 2021 23:20:04 GMT

My dad began restricting my devices since I was 9, and all it has done is make everything worse. You'd think he would know by now, but he's stubborn.

What can I do now?

Sophie_M — Tue, 18 May 2021 00:15:32 GMT

Hey again dumbledoor,

It sounds like you are having a really challenging time at the moment and finding it hard to reach out for support. That is a really tough thing to be going through and we thought we could jump in here and suggest some ways you could seek help without having to talk face-to-face with someone.

We think that Kids Helpline would be the best place for you to start but you can always give us a call as well. The people who answer the phones are friendly, understanding and kind. They can help you talk about how you are feeling even if you don't know how to start.

Beyond Blue 1300 22 4636
Kids Helpline1800 55 1800
Lifeline 13 11 14

Thank you again dumbledoor for posting on the forums. You are always welcome here and we want to encourage you to update us on how you are going if you feel comfortable.

Kind regards,
Sophie M