topic Deuce in Suicidal thoughts and self-harm

Deuce

Scrabbling — Sun, 07 Nov 2021 23:17:20 GMT

What can I say I got a very unexpected visit at my house late at night last week from the crisis team. Probably don’t need to embellish but totally put on the spot to go voluntarily or they would take that decision away as well. Don’t know why they call it a choice? To say I was a tad upset is an understatement so here I am for the past 3 days In a perfectly safe room that I cannot believe how much thought they have put into avoiding incidents. I have been studied like a bug and I found it extremely unsettling when I can normally bluff my way through things. The staff seem nice but there are some really scary people hence I have remained in my room. The tablets have helped a bit with sleep so I’m hoping to go home today. Do they normally use the element of surprise to throw people?? Signed Scrabbling.

Deuce

Sophie_M — Mon, 08 Nov 2021 00:46:17 GMT

Hi Scrabbling,

Thanks for updating us here, we're really glad you could share this. It's good to hear you feel safe where you are, but can imagine how distressing it must've been to have the crisis team arrive late at night and suddenly.

Please know that we’re here for you, and you can call the Beyond Blue counsellors on 1300 22 4636 if you’d like some support at any point. We're here 24/7, or you can reach us via webchat between 11am and midnight AEDT each day.

It might take the lovely community a bit of time to spot your update, but we’re sure they will in time. In the meantime, feel free to keep us updated on how things are going, how you're feeling, and if your stay is helping you at this time. If you feel comfortable, it might be useful to update your other thread also, just to make it a bit easier for the community to spot your message.

Kind regards,

Sophie M

Deuce

mmMekitty — Mon, 08 Nov 2021 02:23:17 GMT

Hi Scrabbling,

Yes, it must've been distressing to have the Crisis Team turn up like they did. I couldn't say if the way they treated you was usual or not. I've never had something like that happen in my life. Sort of wish it had, except in those years, I'm sure the experience would have been very traumatic, but then again, maybe not. I was hiding things even from myself, back then.

I imagine, making a decision yourself, to go with them would be much better than them having to remove your choice. Whether you choose to go vulentarily or if they have to insist, they are there to save your life. One way or another, because your life is valuable, & because of that, the distress you've been in has been taken seriously.

Very deep down, would you rather someone sees, hears, & tries to help, or have your needs neglected & ignored?

I imagine I'd be staying in my room, too. I think I would just feel safer, & it would be quieter, too.

The staff aren't there to play 'hide & seek' with you, so, please, try to help them to help you. It's completely up to you how much you get out of the help offered. That's a very powerful choice you can make.

I hope to hear again from you soon

😸 mmMekitty

Deuce

Scrabbling — Thu, 11 Nov 2021 10:52:17 GMT

Still stuck here and not allowed to go home. Really struggling with a roller coaster of emotions, I’m still not convinced I want to live but absolutely no chance of doing anything here !!! I have been diagnosed with depression and add a bit of anxiety and PTSD just for good luck!! I’ve talked to so many different people but only had one real in-depth discussion which kinda set me right off ,as I had tucked so much stuff away ,never to be thought of again. (so I hoped) I thought I would have been in and out of the facility as that’s all you hear about the system failing people,, but all avenues like that have been closed to me. Still not sleeping/ eating very well but I did have a brighter start today before the sadness’s took hold, my psychiatrist said to expect that .The staff are nice but also so busy it’s like organised chaos here, all a bit overwhelming.

scrabbling.

Deuce

YorkeYorke — Thu, 11 Nov 2021 12:22:49 GMT

Sounds like the rollercoaster that must be confusing at times. Having a good morning and then having the turn later on. I suppose its good the psychiatrist could warn you about that. Good to hear the sleeping tablets have helped a little even if there is plenty of room for improvement.

To have thoughts of not wanting to live can feel pretty intense. Sometimes to do with wanting the pain to stop more-so than wanting to die? I wonder if that's something the staff can help with. Well done for reaching out to different people in the past to see what works for you. I appreciate what you're saying about delving too deep sometimes causing more hurt. Certainly you control the pace and what you choose to share, and the staff as well as us are here to listen.

I thought mmMeKitty summed it up beautifully about the resources being there to support you. Much like the crisis intervention team seeing your value, the staff at the facility watch you because they care for your safety.

Please keep us posted with your journey, we are here for you.

Deuce

mmMekitty — Thu, 11 Nov 2021 13:14:23 GMT

Hi Scrabbling, 😺

I’m really happy to hear from you.

Are you sure you want to go home? I mean, while you are there, you have people you can turn to when the rollercoaster gets extreme.

With the system as under stress as it has been for years, & more so for the last couple, I’m not surprised it seems like barely organised chaos. Are you able to retreat into your room?

I’m glad you are talking to people. The occasional serious conversation, while difficult to have, are important. They help us to put those feelings into words & eventually some perspective.

I desperately wanted to shove everything away again. (not possible), because of how much a jumble it was, how big & overwhelming it was. But I discovered, just naming things helped to make them smaller. Often the

little words we have for these emotions seem too small to fit. It is the language we have, though. I think that’s why I always wanted other ways to express my emotions, seeing as I could not shove them away anymore, so I could confine them, withing the letters & paragraphs, on a page, or within the borders of a canvas board.

You might like to find some creative outlets of your own.

I have been wondering what there is to do all day, apart from looking after your basic needs, like eating & sleeping. Are you able to go outside at all?

I smile to think you had some brightness in the morning, before the ‘sadnesses returned. I had mornings like that. & then my mood, my thoughts as well would get worse & worse as the day went on. I had imagined these feelings had taken longer to wake up than I did, & had to run to catch me. & the awful part was that they did.

But with time, learning about the feelings, how to ‘relate’ (if that’s the right term), to them, things do get better. You’ll have bright moments more often, & they will last longer. You might even surprise yourself, suddenly laughing about something. That will feel strange, I can tell you. I think the Psychiatrist is right, when he said that about how days will begin a little brighter & get worse, for a while, at least.

I’m still wishing you all the best, & hope you will continue to let us know how you are doing.

😺 mmMekitty

Deuce

Scrabbling — Sat, 13 Nov 2021 18:51:44 GMT

Been here over a week now, and not winning with the medications especially sleep which is making me more irritable. Little things become big things and I normally wouldn’t respond but I’m finding I’m definitely more snappy which isn’t me. I’m trying to keep to myself and the one time I made the effort to go in the public area I got caught up in a code grey with an extremely aggressive patient, who sectioned both of us off from the attending staff, thankfully I am experienced in violent situations with my work so I was able to remove myself without causing the person further aggravation, all hell broke loose after that!!!! This is not a walk in the park place so I’ve gone back to becoming very familiar with my room!!! I’m surprised that there aren’t psychologists here to talk to, you have your once a day psychiatrist meetings and that’s it? Seems that they rely heavily on medications ,I’m on a seesaw that hasn’t balanced out yet but definitely getting a little stir crazy ( excuse the expression) and had enough of being here.

Deuce

mmMekitty — Mon, 15 Nov 2021 01:33:37 GMT

Hi Scrabbling,

The medication may take some more time to be noticeably effective. That's often how it is.

You did well in that situation with the other patient. I hope it was a very rare incident, & unlikely to be repeated while you are there. I barely know what else to say about it, except I don't think I could have done much of anything helpful, had I been there instead of you.

It all sounds very stressful, so I am not surprised you are more irritable. Not sleeping well tends to make fpeople more irritable. When we notice something is beginning to irritate, we can pause, take a few deep breaths, & in that time, make a decision about whether or not to respond. That's what I try to do. It may not help me feel better, but may stop the situation escalating. Then, as I guess you do, I'd take myself away & into my room.

My only problem with this approach is that if the other person/people involved think you've backed down, & they have won, they may continue to behave poorly, thinking this is how to get their way. Unfortunately, we can't change what other people think.

If you want to retreat to your room, to calm yourself, I think that is fine. I often think when people are irritated with each other, why don't they just get a little distance? Step away & calm down, & maybe even talk more calmly later.

I find reacting loudly adds more fuel to these situations.

The whole system being under stress means people in it are also under more stress, & this contributes to your experience being more stressful...I, personally, can't fix that.

I don't expect medications alone are going to be the solution. They can help you while you learn ways to help yourself. When you see the Psychiatrist, asking for some strategies you can use to deal with your mood & responses to stresses. Other things to help sleep better, whatever you can think of.

I hopes this helps some, & you won't be there much longer. Primarily, I think they would like to see you are stabilised, & wanting to work with the staff. No trying to fool them, though, because that won't help you in the long run, okay?

Talk again soon.

mmMekitty

Deuce

mmMekitty — Wed, 17 Nov 2021 13:34:59 GMT

Hi Scrabbling,

I'm still here & thinking of you. Thinkin it's getting late again, & I hope you are sleeping as I write, thinking of you. I want for you to feel less alone.

Because I'm sure you can't always immediately walk away & go to your room, do you have any things you can do, when those little things become big things & you feel you will get snappy, you can, instead have more options? That's something you might like to think about.

I hope to hear from you, soon.

mmMekitty

Deuce

Scrabbling — Fri, 19 Nov 2021 10:57:13 GMT

I was finally allowed to leave the secure facility and transferred to a Parc facility which is a step down and also a small step on the road to recovery. My moods are still quite erratic as is unfortunately my sleeping and eating but the dark times don’t seem to be quite as dark and my psychiatrist has worked out my evasive traits and we seem to be able to communicate a bit better with each session, I know myself I am still on thin ice ,and he wants me to remain here for a few weeks . I was hoping for some pain relief with a surgical intervention but that has been put on hold till my last surgery heals further ,so unfortunately chronic pain is still a big part of my life and I’m still really sad about walking away from my job of 26 years but no jobs worth dying for, well that’s what I’m trying to tell myself. The staff seem nice here and I know I should talk to people more but I struggle with sharing my problems ,I am drawing as therapy but they are pretty dark pictures that are probably scaring the hell out of my psychiatrist !! He’s definitely working hard for his money with me but he believes I can get through this. So I suppose I keep riding the roller coaster till hopefully it comes safely back to the station.

Deuce

mmMekitty — Fri, 19 Nov 2021 14:01:43 GMT

Hi scrabbling, that was a wonderful update! 😺 I'm so pleased you are sounding better, you really are.

Not everything will get better at the same rate. I'm happy to celebrate improvement in any area. Especially the lightening of those dark times, & communicating better with your Psychiatrist, & being able to talk to some people, that's okay. You don't have to be telling all your problems to everyone. You'll find some people you feel more comfortable with, & naturally talk more openly with.

Those Psychiatrists do see a lot, so you draw whatever you feel. I used to do some pretty dark paintings, & writing, not as therapy, but because I felt I needed to, 'get the crap out' for a while. I found it really good for that.

Are they able to help you with the chronic pain while your other surgery continues to heal? Hopefully, if you don't put too much strain on it, it can heal more quickly? I'd be asking about it, because that, having your chronic pain certainly can make sleeping more difficult, moodsmore irratic, too. Try to eat what you can, especially the good stuff on the plate. 😸

Leaving your job is sad, & means a big change in your life. 26 years, that's a long time, so I suppose you will spend some time considering where from here. I think there will be much to discuss, perhaps with your Psychiatrist, or anyone you trust. I know, I can hardly imagine what that must feel like, sorry. I haven't worked at any place so long. Longest I had was 14 years, 13 of which were too many.

Well, Scrabbling, I KNOW you are going to make it. I suppose one way to deal with riding a roller coaster would be, to watch for the next rise or fall, & be prepared.

All my best,

mmMekitty

Deuce

Scrabbling — Sun, 21 Nov 2021 11:14:42 GMT

Hi, I had the best day in a long time it was nice to have the warmth of the sun on my face and I even manage some smiles ,something I haven’t done for a long time, unfortunately my mood did suddenly change at night I don’t know why But I suppose that is part of the rollercoasters ride but I was pretty good all day which has to be a bonus. I know work is my main trigger and I am trying to come to terms with legal action that I want to pursue but I’m also aware that This pushes my buttons and unfortunately doesn’t really achieve anything except a step backwards, and I’m trying really hard to go forward , thank you for your support and your words of encouragement , it has meant so much to know someone cares for me, especially on my darkest days. I know it’s going to be a long road full of obstacles and potholes but I am starting to confide in my psychiatrist even if it is still a little reluctantly . So I still have plenty of hurdles ahead but I am hoping that if I stumble I won’t fall totally and I will be able to continue onwards and upwards.

Deuce

mmMekitty — Sun, 21 Nov 2021 14:22:37 GMT

Hi Scrabbling,

Oh good, 😺, I'm glad you had some time outdoors, a little sun, little smiles, a little laughing; it's these moments that build up, & over time, may even outnumber the dark moods & thoughts.

I'm sort of imagining raking up these little yellow-orange leaves, 🍃& as I do, the pile is growing 🍂 bigger. Soon it will be big enough to flop in. It'll be warm & earthy, light, like a feather quilt, one intended purely for comfort.

I'm sure it is common for the night to be worse than the day. Partly because you can be involved in more things in the day. Also, you are more frequently, if not always, alone at night. I've found if I leave an audiobook playing for an hour I can listen to that, if I concentrate, but I don't want it so loud that the noise keeps me awake. I usually go to sleep before it stops playing. Sometimes I know I will need longer. Sometimes I am too uncomfortable for any sleep, & nothing helps. I don't bounce back from a sleepless night as well as I did when I was young. Sometimes I prefer music, but the thoughts can intrude more easily. I've been told many times, a regular preparing for bed & sleep routine is best. Some use meditation.

I've found anything even vaguely legal to be very stressful. The system takes so much time, & money, & when you get into the nitty gritty, it is down to the black & white letter of the law. I trust you have thought carefully about it, & have a pretty good idea of what you'd be getting into. Other than that, I'm not sure I can say much more, except, I hope that road is not so bumpy, if you do go ahead.

Onwards & Upwards! That sounds like an athlete's cheer. & you are a champion. I'm glad to be in your corner, anytime. 😸

nnNekitty

Deuce

Scrabbling — Sun, 28 Nov 2021 10:27:39 GMT

Getting so tired of the erratic mood swings it’s wearing me down .I haven’t eaten for two days and I just spent the last 24 hours in my bed wishing your world would just stop! the staff have been good and are checking on me but I just want to be alone i’m angry at myself because I wanted to leave here but when this happens they are not going to let me go home ! I’m just so very very very tired. It’s been nearly a month and I feel I’m not getting anywhere and the sadness is overwhelming.

Deuce

Sophie_M — Sun, 28 Nov 2021 10:54:49 GMT

Dear Scrabbling,

We are so sorry to hear that you feel as though you're making minimal improvement in terms of your mental health. We can hear that you're feeling quite tired and worn down by your erratic moods. It must be so exhausting.

We also noticed that you are feeling angry at yourself. We understand that this is because you want to leave the facility, but please try to be kind to yourself where possible. You are doing the best you can, and that is all you can do. Getting angry at yourself will just make things harder for you. We know that this is easier said than done, but we thought it was worth mentioning it to you as our community cares for you.

We're so glad that you're coming here to express how you feel. Hopefully posting here brings you some comfort.

We know that you have a lot of support around you, but please know that you are always welcome to contact out support service for support as well. They are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport

Also, we have sent you an email, so please read that when you get a chance.

Please continue to post as you see fit. You don't have to go through this alone. We're here.

Deuce

mmMekitty — Sun, 28 Nov 2021 12:39:20 GMT

Hello Scrabbling,

I'm so sorry you are struggling so much, & hve to be in longer. You have been trying so very hard, I know. Keep trying. I often think of you, & wish I could mor directly chat with you, just so you can know I am really out here, wishing you all the best.

I wonder, about the food, can you ask for certain foods? I'm thinking things easy to eat, Things you barely even need to che, just let small amounts slide down. & I have always found it is easier to be talking or doing something, while eating, when I don't really ant to. I have noticed this when I am with my helper.

I get so very tired, too, & then it's difficult to eat, even though I may be hungry, & it s a little battle in my head about what I must do - eat or sleep, & I realised, I can sleep better if only I have something to eat first. Now, that stops that argument. I grab some yoghurt, &/or tinned fruit, not too difficult, & get some in me so I can have a sleep. This strategy has been working pretty good for me.

Getting sleep, eating too, & understanding this is a rough time, & it is not going to last forever, & being kind to yourself. will help wit the moods. It is frustrating to have set backs, to be learning how to manage these moods, & to care for yourself, & ow long it may take. Yes, so frustrating. Talk about that frustration to the staff. Make some more pictures, ask if there is anything else you can do to express your emotions safely, while you are there.

For sadness, most people cry a lot, & I am no exception; I seem to cry for every emotion. But maybe , people have some other ways of firstly, expressing the sadness, & then treating yourself with more care & kindness.

It's not a bad thing to have feelings.

That's funny coming from me. It has taken me a very long time to learn that, & now I am saying it to you. I can hardly believe I've said this to you, hoping you will ease up on yourselfallow yourself more time, & this may be the best place for you to be right now, with as much care & attention to your needs as you can stand.

We'll talk again, soon.

mmMekitty

Deuce

Scrabbling — Sat, 29 Jan 2022 05:11:15 GMT

Still breating!!! Won my work safe mental harm case so at least I don't have the extra stress of financial, I think I have excepted I won't be going back to that place which breaks my heart, I'm still roller coasting with emotions and still classified as high risk, I cannot be bothered doing anything and hubby cops my sharp tongue, have changed meds again and are sleeping better but just have no go in me or interest in my past activities, I think it's going to be a slow process.

Deuce

mmMekitty — Sat, 29 Jan 2022 06:19:29 GMT

Hi Scrabbling,

It sure is great to hear from you.😺breathing, & all!

I'll bet you're exhausted. Winning the case that must've been hard, changing meds, all the emotions - it all takes a toll on you.

If you are not already counting to ten before sniping at hubby, try this:

First, you need to catch yourself, just stop, mid sentence if necessary, then count, to ten, or twenty-five, or higher if you need, before continuing. Deliberately, lower your voice, slow it down, too. I'm sure this will take practise.

Talk over using this technique with hubby, so he undersands what you need. He'll have to give you some room to use this method. Being patient with each other is so important.

I wonder if there are things you & hubby enjoy doing together? Or maybe you just might enjoy doing something with someone. Someone to talk to while doing whatever it is does seem to make the activity more enjoyable.

I keep thinking, how much you've been going through, how hard it was. Time for some 'youtime'. Treat yourself kindly & gently. Maybe try some new pastimes, or taking some time to sit back & listen to quiet music, letting it flow through you. That's something I do. I'm sure you will find what helps to settle the rollercoasting emotions down.

People here talk about meditating, yoga, grounding, or getting out (when they can(, for walks or exercise. I know someone who cleans her home!

I think you have a realistic view. Sometimes it does take a long time, & a lot of work. Just remember, we are here for you, anytime you want to talk.

Warmest virtual hugs,

😻mmMekitty

Deuce

Scrabbling — Wed, 02 Feb 2022 12:02:56 GMT

Hi mmMekitty , thanks for your support I'm all over the place and was wondering if what I'm feeling is called normal? I feel back to square one today, in tears miserable and just exhausted, hubby is trying to help but I'm holding things together by a silk thread I thought the Workcover acceptance should of made me happy but now all I am is upset about never going back to my job, the chronic pain is getting unbearable and as fast as I get one thing fixed another thing breaks down I now have ulnar nerve entrapment in both hands which is going to make using crutches after my next ankle surgery rather interesting and I am dreading being stuck back in the wheelchair I know I sound like a looser but it would be nice if just once something went my way I'm so tired of crying and pretending to be happy I just got back from. A camping trip ( I normally love them and are super organised) and I hated it!!I couldn't be bothered packing and pretending to be enjoying myself when really I just wanted them all to go away, does it ever get better????? Kind Regards

Deuce

mmMekitty — Wed, 02 Feb 2022 13:10:49 GMT

Hi Scrabbling,

I really don't know what 'normal' is. I'm not sure anyone does know. Whatever it is, I think it changes over time, too. So I don't expect to ever po pin that down.

I've been struggling with my own health, surgery & recovery, so tired so often. Problems in my legs, not even diagnose, & they feel worse lately. Tonight, it's getting bad early, so I can't sit here much.

It's hard not to focus on every physical symptom, to worry about 'what next?' & how you'll continue to manage, let alone be happy & enthusiastic about doing even those things you love.

I suspect, the camping trip was too soon, & while you are dealing with health concernes from several directions, just too much. You've been through a lot lately. I'm not surprised you would struggle to unwind.

& like me, you are very hard on yourself. It's likely an old habit we've picked up long ago. I tend to use the same words others said to me, & so,I try to catch myself doing that, reminding myself that their opinion of me does not have to be my opinion of me. Now they are not here, I don't have to take up where they left off. It's something I have to do every day.

So far, I have stopped hearing an echo of their voices, usually yelling the put-downs & insults. So that is some improvement. & I now think there is more to come.

I try to deal with day by day, not looking much ahead.

When I can I do even some very small things that amuse,me,cause me to have a good feeling, make me smile, Every little bit helps.

I've got to stop for now.

😻virtual hugs,

mmMekitty