topic New here and depressed in Suicidal thoughts and self-harm

New here and depressed

Guest_0682 — Mon, 27 Dec 2021 04:48:52 GMT

Hi,

don’t know how this will go.

But here it is!

Most of my 64 years of live I was trying finding out the source of pain, many of my peers and family and friends go through. I stood beside with help and encouragement and on many occasion things eased or disappeared.
Now after a series of tragic events in the last two years I found my self in an increasingly deeper hole. The thing I would know to do I can not perform. And the things I don’t want to do I find myself caught in it’s claws. Unable to free myself from these accusation against myself and others. I lost all interests in all things. I don’t have a will to live anymore and find myself constantly devising plans to end my live and make it look like an accident. For what should my loved ones bare any of it.

New here and depressed

Sophie_M — Mon, 27 Dec 2021 05:03:50 GMT

Hi Motz,

Welcome to the forums and thank you for taking a big step in sharing your thoughts and feelings here with our wonderful community. We're so sorry to hear that you're feeling quite low at the moment, but please know that you've come to safe, non-judgemental space to talk things through and our community is here to offer as much support, advice and conversation as you need.

Our Support Service is trying to reach out to you via email as we are worried about you.

We hope you know that there is always help available to you. You have mentioned that you have battling depression for such a long time, over many decades. Can we ask if you are you currently receiving mental health support? If not, we would urge that you do seek professional support to help you work through these thoughts that you're experiencing. If you are not sure of how to access mental health support, please contact the Beyond Blue Support Service anytime on 1300 22 4636 or get in touch with us on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST here: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport In addition to this, there are always counsellors available via phone for your most difficult moments. Some of these 24/7 services include;

Lifeline on 13 11 14 or via webchat, which you can access through the link provided: https://www.lifeline.org.au/Get-Help/Online-Services/crisis-chat
The Suicide Call Back Service on 1300 659 467 or via webchat through there website: https://www.suicidecallbackservice.org.au/phone-and-online-counselling/suicide-call-back-service-online-counselling/]

And if you find yourself in a situation where you become an immediate danger to yourself, this is an emergency and you should call 000 (triple zero). Many of our members have also been through a lot in their lives and will be able to talk through these feelings with you. If you would like to post further, please tell us more about what's on your mind and how we can best help support you.

New here and depressed

Guest_0682 — Tue, 28 Dec 2021 10:40:22 GMT

Hi Sophie M

thanks for your reply. I had to climb out of this hole first to get reception.

Apart from a brief period in the late 80is I have never been to see anyone for help until now here. In my early years I struggled a lot with anxiety but I have learned not to give these voices much power by accepting there present but never respect it. Gradually there fuse had burnet to the ground but instead a low level approach of depression sneaked in. It’s not as easy to sent those guys packing. When you're in the anxiety your pumped some how even fear is power. But in this lonely country all is on empty and although I have always find some up and go and pull myself back on the rack. I wonder though. Dead has no fear to me. I have seen worse. It’s just that live has no life in it. All seems so meaningless. Like a painting fallen out of its frame.
How do others go through there stuff I wonder.

New here and depressed

mmMekitty — Tue, 28 Dec 2021 15:20:00 GMT

Hello Motz,

Reading your posts, it seems you have had a very difficult life, & you've spent a lot of time & effort trying to understand & help others, while struggling with your own problems. You have worked out some strategies for dealing with the anxiety, but in comes depression, which you've had found more difficulty dealing with. Perhaps now is a good time to seek some help & support for yourself? Perhaps seeing someone such as a psychologist or psychiatrist?

There are areas of this website which offer ideas for coping. Please look around, into other Forum topics like ‘Staying Well’ or ‘Depression’, or perhaps, something in one of the tabs at the top of the page, ‘Personal Best’ or ‘Healthy Places’.

& you are more than welcome to talk here.

I’ll check back here to see how you are doing.

mmMekitty

New here and depressed

Guest_0682 — Wed, 29 Dec 2021 00:26:18 GMT

Hi,

thanks for your response much appreciated.

I take the point in seeing a professionell my wife tells me the same. The hesitancy is great though. I don’t think I had a particular difficult life. I think I was born with a critical analytical mind. I can’t change that only guide it. In helping others though rough patches I have found real growth to myself. Because I must listen to what I say when I say it. Now I guess I am writing perhaps to read what I write. The greatest block not to see someone or join a group is, all that I ever experienced in this kind of environment is very lovely people giving me very good advise what I should or could do. And what else can they do if you seeking help. My problem is; I am unable to to the very thing I know to do and have done million times before. Let alone yet another thing to do. I am crying, show me where I am and I’ll find the way out. This is working for others when I showed them the place they’re in and put myself underneath to lift them up. Sure you sink a little in the process, but the other than pulls you out in the process. I could only show them those places because I recognise them. Sorry I talk a lot of nonsense I guess. At least the others thought stay at any for now.

New here and depressed

mmMekitty — Wed, 29 Dec 2021 02:12:08 GMT

I'm not sure where you are, only it seems you are stuck. You don't know which way to turn, what to do at this point, because all you know is what you've always done, but when those things don't work, it's so hard to think of something that will & to even try when someone suggests anything.

For myself, I find it very hard to implement a new action or response which I want to make into a new habit. One thing I am trying to do is to do things like eating & sleeping at regular intervals. These patterns are so irregular for me they are not really patterns at all. I understand it's not healthy, not good for my body or mood, but how to change poor habits I began in my late teens

? One thing I have learned is to not berate myself when I don't do well; that only makes me feel worse.

& any reason I can accept for NOT berating myself is useful. I am getting better at that. My self-esteem is till on the floor, but I'm not trampling over myself anymore.

Any attempts are worthwhile. I don't know anyone who suceeds at their first attempt to climb out of any hole. I fell back many times, & wondered if I ever could get out. I'm not looking to lofty goals, grand purpose to my life or anything terribly ambitious. Just to live with myself. To find some pleasure, to accept myself as a fallible human being. It's tough, because while I work on this, other things happen. I've had to learn a lot, mostly about myself, learning different ways of looking at my past, my feelings & others as well.

I have seen a few different Psychiatrists before seeing the one I have now. I'm able to work with him, talk openly & even while I doubt & have fears about him continuing to be here for me, I do trust him. He has shown me just how much I can work out for myself, & this has helped me feel more confidence in my ability to make decisions. But there still seems such a long way to go.

I've gone from being in total denial of my own feelings, to being very emotional, & not accepting it, to learning I can accept being emotional. The first Psychiatrist I went to see was in 1993. What's that now? 28yrs next February? I'm not sure if I ought to count the 14yrs I was with one who was not so helpful. Maybe, he was, by being so unhelpful, I realised ways I don't want to be treated.

Writing has been great to get things out but now I also value feedback about what I've written.

mmMekitty

New here and depressed

Guest_0682 — Thu, 30 Dec 2021 00:44:37 GMT

That was an unexpected ray of sunshine into the heart of mine. Thanks!
The standard response to a call for help has always been good advise and worst sympathy!
Therefore it is a pleasant surprise to read about some of your journey’s trouble. It gives me the feeling of sitting in the same boat and paddling towards the same goal.

And you’re right, I am in a place of in-decision. And that is good news to me! Now I can flick the switch and make decisions. One at the time. I have travelled this road so many times and according to popular teaching ‘one should learn from there mistakes’ I must be the dumbest person on earth. For me it’s overcoming the same problematic one at the time and seemingly forgetting everything I have been through time and times before. Different situation but the same trouble at the core. I have summed it up over the year like this:

If only this or that or him or her(or ME) where different I would be alright! Or simply expectations! when the truth is more like, if I am alright with me everything else is just fine!

And another thing I have discovered is, no matter how much I know of the in’s and out of my psyche, it does not always protect me from wrong thinking even when I know I am thinking wrong. Does that make sense ? When I am in the rut like the one I am manoeuvring out of now, my thinking is a constant dialog with real people and in real scenarios and places. And that non stop in 4K resolution. There is even a sense of wanting to do it and comes with a sickening yet pleasant sensation. Like I wanted to do it. But I don’t want to think like that let alone act accordingly. And when the point comes, when I can no more than the feeling of beam me up Scotty is tantalising sweet. I guess I never really expressed it like that.
When I read it back I think that is not a real problem that can be fixed. So you see there are two main reality’s in my life. The one that is thinking good and pleasant thought and the one who only has bad thought who try to kill everything good. And I know that since my early childhood this is no news I must say. The logic answer would have to be, just don’t listen to the bad thoughts. Hmmmm!? I know that to! And till today I have, to be honest, only limited success. And that is not from lack of trying. I guess all I can do is go on live a bid more. Perhaps life sneaks in somewhere through the many cracks of mine.

New here and depressed

mmMekitty — Thu, 30 Dec 2021 14:06:50 GMT

Hello Motz, & thank you. sometimes I jump right in & simply don't do the small talk. It often feels awkward.

I've read your post several times today.

First, one step at a time sounfd logical. You know what you can do, like you have done before, or something like similar? Would a list help? If so, would it also help to order your list into what needs doing 1st, 2nd, 3rd, etcetera? Or from what you can more easily tackle to the harder things later down the list? Are you willing to try new things?

& I don't think you are at all 'the dumbest person on Earth', because many people travel over the same familiar road, simply because they don't know any better, 'better the devil you kno' & don't take a chance on doing something different, or have already decided they can't change, or can't succeed Or, indeed, their difficulties exist because of what someone els did & therefore, nothing we can do will fix it, not until we can do somehting about these other people.

But, I think you are onto something, when you began thinking how you feel & think about yourself is not dependant upon someone else. Far as I'm concerned, certain people can go disappear from my life. I do not have to think they are not okay, or if I want to think I'm okay, then they are too. I intend to think I'm okay . Only that, because what I think about myself is all I need.

I cannot fix them, I can try to understand them, what they did & why, & move from there, to understand how I reacted, how I was impacted, what I can do for myself now. That's a big enough job for anyone to take on. If they want to do something similar for themselves, great; they can go do that.

Sure, all the work I've done does not mean I will never be in a similar hole like you are. I am better equipped to deal with it now, that's all. I'll still falter, still think unhealthy thought, memories can still come up just as strong as ever, & I am triggered sometimes. One important thing I've learned, each time is not going to last for eternity. Weeks, days, even as brief as a few minutes & even without doing anything, the intensity will ease. Doing something such as writing, talking to my PDr, or a bit to someone else, or moving. getting up, looking out the window, washing my face, damn near anything which disrupts the thoughts & feelings helps dissipate them more quickly. No, it's not always easy.

I do have rules about some things I will never do. Rules I do not break. Promises set in concrete.

mmMekitty

New here and depressed

geoff — Thu, 30 Dec 2021 16:56:14 GMT

Hello Motz, and thank you mmMekitty some great points.

I'm 67 and very much appreciate your post and I wonder whether we say to ourselves ''we learn from our mistakes' or do we just put this in our experience bag and know that in the future we don't go down that path.

We learn so much over these years and it's not that we don't want to implement new ideas, sometimes we don't have the energy anymore unless we are encouraged by another person, and yes it happens with me.

You mustn't demean yourself because I'm sure you have accomplished so much in your life and this is when the elders need to teach the younger ones right from wrong and however they do this is in their own particular way.

When you speak to your psych are you wrong, maybe with this psych but not to another one, one may have a different approach than the other and one may have a more convenient personality.

I've had many different types of psych's, some that only lasted a couple of sessions while the second last one I'd seen for 20 years.

I want to continue this as I have to go, sorry.

Geoff.

New here and depressed

Guest_0682 — Fri, 31 Dec 2021 00:12:48 GMT

Hi Geoff,

thanks for your participation. It is much appreciated. I just want to clarify a misunderstanding.
I was speaking about the psyche, the deepest thought, feelings and beliefs of a person or group. Not the psychiatrist. I love to hear how you read it now.

New here and depressed

mmMekitty — Fri, 31 Dec 2021 01:33:30 GMT

The character count got the bettr of me yesterday.

I also wanted to speak a little about the allure of 'beam me up Scotty'. I do know about that feeling, the longing even. It can be very strong indeed.

Right at the start of your thread, you mention you hav thought how your family & friends would feel,& indicated you would want to spare them feelings of guilt or responsibility. It seems to me you are all important to each other, & therefore need each other.

If this is what you need to see you through the times when 'beam me up Scotty' seems ideal, then you have a way to answer those darkest feelings. You can say, "I'm needed here. I don't abandon my family & friends." Not for anything.

I'm reconnecting with my sis, & I see how warm & open she is, how she cares & want to help me as much as she can. I am realising I could not now, no matter how sensible I might think in a bleak moment it would be,I could not leave her now. I've seen too many times how difficult it is for families & friends to lose someone in the way you allude to. I see now how devastating it would be.

You know. when you are in the hole, your mind is not fuctioning to its best ability, so don't trust it. Trust what yu know when things are not so bad.

I was thinking, too, just for the sake of doing something which would harm nothing , with the scenarios running in your head. Write them down, fictionise them, make dark poems of them, paintings if you are inclined, work through them . I mean, think about the aftermath.

It's a challenging exercise to think of what might be in the event of acting on any of the ideas you've had. I've tried to, & truly, I haven't written to the end. Irealise, mostly too many flaws in my imagining. Or I simply couldn't do what I imagined. In the end, I had released much of the emotion & had felt better, like I could put that aside, & not be so preoccupied with it.

I hope that covers what I wanted today, that it does makes sense, helps some, & gives you another option or two.

Warm regards, 😸

mmMekitty

New here and depressed

Mum Chris — Fri, 31 Dec 2021 04:46:38 GMT

Hi Motz

I have read your post and think I have a feeling about where you are finding yourself. You mentioned some blows and trouble you have had and now you find yourself struggling to see a point of continuing and struggling. If I’m correct you have previously overcome personal struggles and where able to help others and be there and be a support. Is this correct paraphrasing?
I dragged myself back on this forum after implementing my plan and luckily unsuccessfully.

I had done the work and overcome sooo much and had encouraged others and supported etc. I was strong successful and had built a life and family and one of my family decided to destroy my life and inflict so much hatred and condemnation on me that I shrank. I am lucky I have the support of my husband and I have a small group of family and friends that I have slowly told of my pain that care about me.

My husband saved my life. He pushed me to get help and after many missteps I think I have now found a psychologist that can help me. I’ve been diagnosed wth complex ptsd and it’s a relief to finally know it’s not my weakness that has put me here. It’s my illness. My illness tells me terrible things about me and lies to me. Wrapping me in negative thoughts till I can’t get out. I’m getting treatment and the prognosis is good. I did come on here and all I wanted was a magic wand wave it and your happy wave it and bad stuff stops happening.

If I can encourage you to reach out and find a counselor or psychologist get a diagnosis if you haven’t already and engage in therapy. I’m moving towards EMDR therapy but I’m too fragile to do that yet evidently. I had been told previously I had anxiety or depression but that really didn’t fit.
I didn’t want to do anything long term or put in anymore work on mental health I had done that previously why bother again. I can see that I had hardened myself up and moved on so when a tidal wave hit me it got all uncovered and became real again.
I would listen to the wife get help and stop planning your exit.

I hope I don’t come off preachy or nagging I’m in a bit of turmoil Christmas and new year’s a rough time for me.

All the best Mum Chris (MC)

New here and depressed

Guest_0682 — Fri, 31 Dec 2021 06:07:44 GMT

And that is the only Anker I have, being the thought about the ones left behind having to pick up the pieces. It’s not ever that I struggle to end my life, I am not afraid of dead on the contrary. My struggle is to stay alive. And the overwhelming reason to go on, is the ones who love me. I can not be that selfish. Saying that I do enjoy life as a whole, which is fortunately the majority of time. It is when the bottom opens up, seemingly unexpected and the life’s meaning grows strangely dim when I had enough and don’t want to and feel I can’t go on. And that is playing out on the emotional level. My rational mind says, don’t worry this too will pass. And so far it has.
It looks like you are a person who can work with plans and strategies etc. You might have a structured mindset to do what you want to do. Me on the other hand are completely useless following rules and regulation. I would not know how to do that. I have a very fluid mind. Like, if I made up my mind to do something I just get started with what I got and change and adapt any way needed to achieve what I want. I can never say how I do things to far ahead but are confident I can finish what I started. That is on a material level though.
But if I really look at my life and want to be honest to myself I have perhaps found the root of my inner problem. For me it’s expectation I believe. The more severe knocks in my life have a trigger and that is in most cases people. The closer I am to someone and the more I care about someone, the bigger the blow. They them self are often not aware of the abverlange the have released because it all plays in my mind I believe. Whenever I now feel the hurt I start looking for the expectation who have been dashed. I always find them and realise I put it there. (Rightly or wrong doesn't matter) The real struggle starts with dismantling it. The bigger the hurt the harder it is. But the good news is, if I put it there than I can take it away. In fact only I can I believe. And here is the battleground for me. Because I don’t want to let them of the hook. And ‘them’ often includes me too. Writing about it helps me as I discover here. It makes things more clear and I can perhaps let it go more easily.
thanks for listening

New here and depressed

Guest_0682 — Fri, 31 Dec 2021 06:47:10 GMT

Thanks for that,

yep my last really big one cam out the the sibling quarters. And I am too familiar which what you touch on.
In my previous posting I mentioned my inability to follow instructions. Is’s not a problem or a fault of mine, it just how I am wired I think. I have a very creative thought process, rules and suggestions of what and how to do, are very strange to me. I need to see and experience in order to compute. I learn by hearing and observing other people’s experiences and can in that way make sense of it as I can find myself in it. But, and this might sound contrary to what I just said, all I do is work with plans and strategies. It’s just that they are fluid changing and adapting as I go along.
We are all so different in our personal psyche. What works for one doesn’t work for another. But by sharing our story we are all helping each other changing our own life’s.
got to go now 🤗

New here and depressed

mmMekitty — Sat, 01 Jan 2022 00:21:02 GMT

Hello Motz,

Wanting to wish you a Happy New Year. 😸

& I'd like to ask you about your new avatar. My eyesight is really poor, & even zooming very large, I can't make out what is in your picture. Do you have a story behind the choice of this image?

mmMekitty

New here and depressed

Guest_0682 — Sat, 01 Jan 2022 02:21:34 GMT

It is a painting from Salvator Dali. A artist from the early 29th century in Spain. He is surrealist and labeled eccentric. His art reflects a bit how I think. Always different and never the norm. Pushing existing thought pattern. He was like many of us another ill fit.

New here and depressed

geoff — Sat, 01 Jan 2022 16:57:18 GMT

Hello Motz, before I read the replies after your comment back to me you said 'And another thing I have discovered is, no matter how much I know of the in’s and out of my psyche, it does not always protect me from wrong thinking even when I know I am thinking wrong', is that I took it as knowing the 'ins and out's of your psychiatrist, sorry.

Will send this off to you and then read the rest.

Geoff.

New here and depressed

Mum Chris — Sat, 01 Jan 2022 22:29:14 GMT

Hi Motz

Yes it’s the ones left behind that I for a while couldn’t even think about that keep me tethered. I never really thought I was someone that liked a plan etc but maybe right now it’s what’s important for me. My husband booked a cruise for us later in 2022 and said this is for us to look forward to and make us happy. Poor guy I’ve put him through hell.
I was advised by the lovely people on here to download beyondnow app and set up my safety plan and I did and I shared it with my husband so he knows what my plan is. I added warning signs for when I’m getting sucked down the vortex and what I am to do to ease the danger. I’ve used it a few times to get me passed some rough times.
It’s very hard when people hurt you even if it’s unintentional and when they let you down and do things intentionally it’s super hard. I would say that my struggle is because of being hurt intentionally by others and now I’m so sensitive that I can be triggered by the slightest thing that anyone does or says. I’m now hyper vigilant and hyper reactive and I myself don’t know how to stop it.
I find posting really helps me get it out and I sometimes and crying and freaking out but I get a reply from someone who totally understands and has a suggestion or just totally relates to what I’m feeling. I had been telling anyone and everyone in my life I’m Not Okay and all I got back was your doing great. I posted on here and I got back yes we hear you.
I have no pearls of wisdom or solutions just welcome and keep posting and be kind to yourself

New here and depressed

mmMekitty — Sat, 01 Jan 2022 23:09:12 GMT

Hi Motz,

Thank you for telling me about your avatar. A long time ago I was able to see more, & I am somewhat familiar with Salvador Dali's paintings. Not this one, though. I can see the vivid blue & the red in the upper right corner, & an area of white, & I know there is something else in there. This is how limited my vision is. The general composition, as I can see, is totally unlike any of the paintings I'd seen long ago.

But I like his painting, subject & surreal style. I marvelled at how well he could represent very familiar objects & how he could twist reality in the painting, so brilliantly. I would have loved to have been able to paint like that.

If you are interested, I wrote about my avatar, in my introductory thread, 'Introducing mmMekitty', at the start of the thread, You are welcome to read that, & as much as you like there. Sorry I can't make a direct a link, but it's not hard to find.

mmMekitty 😸

New here and depressed

mmMekitty — Sat, 01 Jan 2022 23:33:25 GMT

Hi again, Motz.

Mum Chris has just posted a wonderful post to you, while I was busy writing more to send.😹 She makes me tear up with pride.

Referring to your post of 31 December, 2021, sometimes, when we feel we want or need to exit, but deep from within, we know we don't actually want that.

For me, what I had wanted was for life to be not so emotionally painful everywhere I went; I wanted that pain to stop. I guess I knew deep down, things would, eventually, get better. Even if I did nothing, time would take care of some of it. No-one was hearing me, seeing me, let alone helping me. So, I did what I could to survive 'them' on my own. If I had something/someone more tangible to hold in mind, it would have been easier than it was.

There was one someone, I would have, eventually, spoken to them &, taken a chance, having some hope they would support me. I was 14 years old, so didn't see clearly, didn't know I could do more to help myself than what I did... & something in my head said, 'wait'. Nothing more, just that strong imperative thought that I must wait. I didn't know what for, how long, & have felt I waited, & waited, as if for a sign that, now I could go.

The thought has remained, but is much in the background. 'Waiting' still holds me. & now I have my sis in there, too, caring as much as she does, so I can't hurt her. I might have done, back then, not realising how much she may have felt for me still, since we were already drifting away from the close relationship we'd had when we were very young. I couldn't see, in myself, I still held her close in my heart, always have, but shutting off myself from my own emotions meant I couldn't see it.

I know it's painful to think you might do something which would hurt those you love, but I would hold to that anyway, because you never know what may still lie ahead.

It's only now, in my 60s that I have found some marvellous people, that make me feel I am important, cared for & supported, maybe even loved. That's worth waiting for.

Like you, I too had not feared death, from a very young age. Not for any religious promise of a life hereafter or heaven, either. I believe none of that. I simply didn't fear, probably because I didn't comprehend the wider implications of what my death might mean for others. Literally, it's okay for me; I won't be here. But others, as you know, would be here to 'pick up the pieces'.

Living is the harder thing to do, & the potentially more rewarding thing to enjoy.

mmMekitty