topic I hate this time of year & everything about my life in Suicidal thoughts and self-harm

I hate this time of year & everything about my life

Bbydoll — Wed, 22 Dec 2021 18:28:40 GMT

I'm suffering from chronic pain issues; auto immune related issues and a body that is basically falling apart. I have no family around except for a brother (and sister in law,and niece), who would rather spend time with their friends - even though I pushed myself to be there for their daughters birthday. My teeth are rotting because of pain meds and I have no way of paying for them to be fixed.. some are now are in my smile line and the idea of loosing teeth there destroys me. My extended family wanted me to join them on Christmas day except for the fact it would be just breakfast as they want to visit their significant others family (not to mention it's a 4 hour round trip for me on public transport on a public holiday), and I can barely function as I'm suffering from tinnitus and vertigo at the moment on top of my usual health issues. I'm struggling to get through to the rest of the year. I've been reaching out via text message to my closest friend - but he's been avoiding me. My other friend just doesn't believe how bad my mental state is; despite having her own issues with depression and suicide. Every year is another year where nothing is achieved and my "bucket list" is further away from ever happening. Even on the rare occasions I'm out socializing; people avoid me. I seem to just repel people. Having had years and years of people leaving me, it's not like I haven't tried - organizing parties at my place; inviting friends out for a girls night out etc... no one ever bothers returning the favor. No one checks up on me. My online friends only respond to me messaging them - and even that's not a guarantee of a reply. I'm tired of struggling with no support. I'm not living, I'm barely surviving. .. it's like I'm not even here. And I'm sure it wouldn't matter if I wasn't because people in my life just don't seem to care! And it's not like I have anything keeping me here - no partner, no kids, no pets. . Nothing at all.

I hate this time of year & everything about my life

Sophie_M — Wed, 22 Dec 2021 18:58:15 GMT

Hi Bbydoll,

We are so sorry to hear about what you're going through; it sounds like it has been a tough time. Thank you for being part of our forums, it takes a lot of courage and strength to reach out for support and we are so glad that you have done so. We hope that you can get some support here, the community will be here to listen and chat with you. You can also reach out to Beyond Blue 1300 22 4636 or Lifeline 13 11 14. We have sent you a private email so that we can support you further.

I hate this time of year & everything about my life

Chris_Tas — Thu, 23 Dec 2021 05:35:31 GMT

Thank you for sharing your situation.

Please seek emergency help immediately. You need help as I did (still do)

It saved my life and you'll be amazed how fantastic people are.

Chris

I hate this time of year & everything about my life

Bbydoll — Thu, 23 Dec 2021 11:05:00 GMT

Hi Chris,

That's easier said than done! When I'm not motivated to do it. I'm physically, emotionally, mentally exhausted. I'm having stomach pain after eating that radiates into my back, so either my gallstones or I have a stomach ulcer - on top of everything else that I've mentioned above. And as I said above I have no one to help me.

The people in my life have taught me 2 things. They rarely help and if they do get close they use and/or abuse me and leave.

I hate this time of year & everything about my life

Chris_Tas — Thu, 23 Dec 2021 12:47:20 GMT

As previous I encourage you to seek help.

No it isn't "easy".

I've looked down the Derwent Bridge and I'm here.

How can and others help?

I hate this time of year & everything about my life

Bbydoll — Thu, 23 Dec 2021 23:18:42 GMT

If I had help/support from people around me things would be different. At least I'd feel like I was supported and like my life actually mattered.. etc. But I don't see how my life is ever going to improve when my body keeps falling apart. And I can't afford to have my teeth fixed. I even emailed my local member of Parliament and they didn't help! I already look like a freak.. I am, fat and scarred from lots of surgeries. I walk with a cane even though I'm only in my 40s. Etc

I'm already dealing with so much physical health issues that aren't getting any better despite me following doctor's orders.. everything just keeps on spiraling out of control.

I hate this time of year & everything about my life

Guest_1643 — Fri, 24 Dec 2021 06:00:23 GMT

Hi bbydoll.

How are u today? I know how u feel....no family here either and thsi time of year comes with triggers and sadness.

Re Ur friends not messaging u back... What came to mind was if u could distance urself fro, friends who aren't there for u....

I used to have friends who were really unreliable and even rude at times, through going though my own crises and needing them.... I saw who wasn't there. I had to leave them behind.

The bonus is that good ppl might enter Ur life and take the space of those who don't care.

U deserve a message back. Or just a sense that the person believes u and wants the best for u,

I hate this time of year & everything about my life

Bbydoll — Fri, 24 Dec 2021 11:08:36 GMT

I only have 2 friends in my life that I see both are very unreliable. One guy. One girl. The guy I'm close too is married and it's difficult to see him because his wife hates me because I have feelings for him and they both know this. And because we have such a strong connection. The girl is from high school and works incredibly long hours and I mostly text her - even if I do see her, she's on her phone a lot.

No one in my life makes me a priority. No one chooses to spend time with me - there's always excuses. I'm clearly not important.

If I distance myself from them any more. I have even less to live for. I sent a private message to my brother on Wednesday and a text message today Friday about whether or not he wanted to drive to my place and pick up their Christmas presents and mum's Christmas presents for tomorrow - Christmas day. Usually we see mum on Christmas eve. He hasn't replied to either of these texts.

I don't drive. I don't work. I don't have much of a social life as when I go out. I'm by myself and I'm ignored anyways. I tried to get into a local uni -20 minutes away on the train but that only made my health worse. I've had several attemps at this.

I have nothingto live for.

I hate this time of year & everything about my life

Sophie_M — Fri, 24 Dec 2021 12:02:02 GMT

Hi Bbydoll,

We are sorry to hear that no one in your life makes you a priority and that you feel so unimportant. We want to remind you that all life is important, including yours and the fact that you have come here to share with us just proves that you have such significant strength. We understand how hard it can be, especially around such a busy time of year and want you to know that you never have to go through this alone, and support is always here for you.

If you would like to talk to someone, the Beyond Blue Support Service is available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 1pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport  One of our friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings with you and can offer support, advice and referrals.

We also strongly urge that in overwhelming moments you get in touch with our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).

We hope that you will find some comfort here on the forums. Please feel free to keep reaching out here on your thread whenever you feel up to it.

I hate this time of year & everything about my life

Guest_1055 — Fri, 24 Dec 2021 13:51:21 GMT

Oh Bbydoll hello,

You popped into my thoughts maybe a couple of days ago. Can't quite remember. I said hello to you on another thread of yours.

I don't have advice or anything. Just saying another hello I guess.

I hate this time of year & everything about my life

Petal22 — Fri, 24 Dec 2021 13:55:52 GMT

Hi Bbydoll,

Im sorry to hear of your chronic pain I understand it must be difficult for you.

Please tell your self good things about yourself…….

Our outer physical body isn’t who we are and it doesn’t define us.

On the inside we all hold a beautiful light, just keep feeding yours with positive thoughts….

Have you been able to discuss with your gp about the way you are feeling?

Your not alone

I hate this time of year & everything about my life

Guest_1643 — Fri, 24 Dec 2021 21:49:36 GMT

Hey baby doll

Staying around in a situation like eg where u have feelings for a married friend to me looks like part of the difficulties, not the solution giving u hope to live for. Such a situation would make anyone feel bad or less than.

It's really hard having friends who don't check up on u or care, and during the pandemic for many of us that's hurt a lot, when ppl around us didn't even send a text to check that those of us alone are managing.

I wander if ppl think u are managing well because u appear together or independent. I've been told that before ut I don't know if I buy it,

U deserve care and support, a text , a call. It takes a while to find decent ppl who will offer that, but if they don't, in my opinion, it's not ur fault.

I hate this time of year & everything about my life

Bbydoll — Sat, 25 Dec 2021 02:21:14 GMT

Hi Shelll, hope you're well😊

Petal22 - most people are judged right away on their looks. It's nothing new. I'm in a particular rough neighborhood and I know that I will be labeled as a drug addict for missing teeth. Nevermind the fact I'm single. No guy wants to date a woman with missing teeth. Not that it matters because I can't even get a date for a coffee! Let alone anything else.

Sleepy21- He is my closest friend. The fact he is married - is a complication, in that I can't see him often. He is my only friend who openly lets me talk about my struggles and doesn't judge me for it. I am not looking to ruin a relationship or have an affair, I told him a few years ago before the feelings developed that I wasn't looking to be anyone's seconds.

I have posted on Facebook about my physical health battles and how I'm struggling with them. I only have about 50 friends on there and the only ones who ever comment on the posts are overseas friends with health issues and 1 friend who lives interstate. None of my friends that live locally or that I knew from school etc.

How do you expect me to find "these people" exactly?? I have no life. I can't work. I can't study on campus. I can't even get a coffee date (from different online sites)... I rarely leave the house ..

I hate this time of year & everything about my life

Guest_1643 — Sat, 25 Dec 2021 03:12:18 GMT

Hi,

I'm can't offer more on this thread as I am not finding it an easy conversation for me.

Hoping you find support here 🙏

I hate this time of year & everything about my life

Petal22 — Sat, 25 Dec 2021 10:32:29 GMT

Hi Bbydoll,

People can think what they like and hold the perceptions of you that they wish………… but………. these thoughts are in your mind and we truly can’t read some one else’s mind and truly know what they are thinking……The most important thing is what thoughts you put in your mind about yourself. 😀

Be open to meeting someone for you…. He’s out there…. Stay positive to that….

Love is always around us…

Have loving thoughts

Make others feel loved

Attract love into your life

Think positive………… the more negative we are the more negativity comes into our life…….

The more positive we are the more positive comes into our life…..

Change your thoughts and perceptions think from a place of LOVE and then watch your life transform in front of you.

I hate this time of year & everything about my life

Guest_1055 — Sat, 25 Dec 2021 10:45:12 GMT

Thankyou Petal, I know you were writing to Bbydoll. But I also found your post quite encouraging. Thankyou

I hate this time of year & everything about my life

Petal22 — Sat, 25 Dec 2021 11:08:08 GMT

Hi Shelll,

Thats ok I’m glad that you found my post encouraging. 😊❤️

It really is possible to change our mind sets……. It takes practice and perseverance but it can be done.

Each day when we wake in the morning we need to make an intension of how we want to live the day…………. With LOVE then make that day come from that place inside us…

Love holds the highest vibration on earth and living in that vibration is amazing.

Negativity holds a very low vibration and doesn’t feel very nice…..

So we need to practice to be coming from a place of love..

If I’m ever not happy with someone I say to myself what would love do …… I always have my answer and move forward in this beautiful vibration that we as humans all hold….. we just need to seek it and believe it’s there……..

I hate this time of year & everything about my life

Bbydoll — Sat, 25 Dec 2021 12:22:26 GMT

Petal22 - yeah that changes everything. I've had health issues all my life. Ever since I was a teenager people have either used or abused me and left me for whatever reasons. I've been single for 11 years. I don't see myself being with anyone because they do not accept me with my health issues. The only relationship I was in; the guy just used me as a backburner.. he never wanted to make our relationship official. He only took me out twice in 6 years and never stayed over etc.

Not surprising that the only text I got today (Christmas) was from my male friend about 10 minutes ago. Not from my brother, or any family or friends.

I'm struggling financially (I'm on the dsp), physically (as mentioned above), emotionally (PTSD, depression/anxiety) etc.. thinking positively doesn't change a thing. Believe me I tried all through my 20s. It didn't stop me being admitted to the ICU several times. It didn't stop me from having my colon removed and me having to wear a colostomy bag. YES! In my 20s... it didn't stop all the complications; all the extra surgeries, all the medications. Or the relationship and friendships etc. It changed absolutely nothing. I've still had to battle all these things and mostly alone.

So I've tried and it doesn't work. What's the point in anything. If all I'm doing is constantly struggling with everything in my life

I hate this time of year & everything about my life

Petal22 — Sat, 25 Dec 2021 13:12:24 GMT

I’m really sorry you are feeling this way Bbydoll…….

I understand it would be difficult for you.

If you feel up to it maybe you could call one of our caring councillors 1300 22 4636.

I hate this time of year & everything about my life

Chris_Tas — Sat, 25 Dec 2021 13:27:05 GMT

Please try and take it easy. (easier said than done yes I know).

Positives in future as we are lucky compared to many others? (cancer etc)