topic Paranoia in Suicidal thoughts and self-harm

Paranoia

H-c — Mon, 10 Jan 2022 10:47:05 GMT

I really don’t know what’s wrong with me anymore . So long story short this is my third time typing this because i kept on accidentally deleting it

so I’m having these really intense paranoia these past few weeks and i dont know why. I know I’m not some important person but still. So I’m really paranoid about my security and i need to scan my phone with two different antivirus software to make sure that I dont have any malware or spyware on my phone. It’s not like I’m doing dodgy stuff but it’d be nice to be safe.

So i was out on a walk today and as i was walking i really didn't pay attention to my surrounding so i didn't see the aircon leaking water. So as i was walking the leaking water from the air condition happened to went into my eye. New fear unlocked!

i’m now really paranoid what if they can see what I’m seeing because they have a tracking device in the water? Is it possible? Can you track someone by putting droplets of water into their eyes? As in will you be able to see what they’re seeing? please help me i cant do this anymore

Being alive is starting to get really tiring.

note: kinda funny how my first thought when the leaking water went into my eye was that and not oh no what if i get an eye infection

Paranoia

Sophie_M — Mon, 10 Jan 2022 10:53:44 GMT

Hey H-c

Thanks for reaching out tonight.

It sounds like you're feeling very overwhelmed with the fear that youre being watched. This must be a horrible feeling. We want you to know that you're not alone and there is a lot of support available.

We're concerned that may be thoughts of suicide or self harm may been happening for you now and we are sending a private message to check in with you.

We hope you know that there is always support available to you, whether it's from our professional mental health counsellors Beyond Blue (available 24/7/365 on 1300 22 4636) or our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).

If thoughts of self harm or suicide are in fact with you tonight, where you feel like acting on those thoughts, then this is an emergency, and you should call 000 immediately.

Paranoia

Croix — Mon, 10 Jan 2022 13:04:55 GMT

Dear H-c~

Welcome back, it is good to hear from you, even though the reasons for your coming are very hard. Actually you've had a hard time for a long time now. Sometimes you take a bit of a break from here and I've wondered if that is becuse you've hit a better patch, or just run out of steam

I'll not go back though all the things that have happened, it would probably be upsetting -I know it would be if it was me- but I guess I can say what you know well, you seem to have been very much like I was when my anxiety was at its worst.

You were not comfortable with people at all, and I think you were very apprehensive that you would not meet other people's expectations, which is not a good thing. You also found there was a big gap between how you felt and people, who would belittle your feelings or laugh

Now sadly you have fear or anxiety leading you to worry about your phone, about people spying and even suspect water.

I know you have been reluctant in the past to seek competent medical help, maybe the fear of being ignored or not having what happens in your life treated seriously, maybe simply the difficulty in saying anything outright -I don't know. Could you say why?

I do know you have been very unhappy for a number of years, far too unhappy - no sort of life for a young person, and that you have not had anyone to turn to nowadays.

So can I ask if you now have that help? A GP and maybe a psychologist or a psychiatrist? If you do then you might consider talkng over with them the fact their therapy is not working.

Maybe make a list to take with you so you do not get distracted.

Then again if you have not had help do you think it is time you did see what can be done by doctors? I probably told you before that I simply kept on getting worse until i had that assistance. I was a mess and I left it longer than I might - I really had no faith in medical things. But matter got so bad I would try anything.

OK, now I'm a different person, the sort of person who can study without excessive worry - but for my own sake, not for others. I can interact with people and even be close with one. Life has turned around.

One thing I'll mention that helped when I had bad times was to distract myself wiht the free phone app Smiling Mind. With a little practice it can break the chain of unwanted thoughts. I'm about out of space so might talk about how I use it another time.

https://www.smilingmind.com.au/smiling-mind-app

I hope you come back and talk with me some more

Croix

Paranoia

geoff — Mon, 10 Jan 2022 15:03:26 GMT

Hello H-c, I'm sorry for how you are feeling, however having two different types of antivirus may conflict with each other, I only know this from reading what mine says on their site on the computer, so if you like check them out and make another decision.

The chances of a water drop from an air conditioner being able to follow you are minutus and what would be their intention, but it's not what we have to say it's convincing you that this is impossible.

Something has started all of this and needs to be resolved.

Take care.

Geoff.

Paranoia

H-c — Tue, 11 Jan 2022 00:57:22 GMT

Hi Croix,

thank you for being understanding first of all.

I tried to seek help, i really tried. I tried for weeks and sometimes even months but no one seems to notice it or care. I haven’t gone to a professional yet due to one of my past bad experience with my GP, whenever i try to talk to him they’d only assume it’s something related to my physical health and not my mental health.

I have Calm Harm installed in my phone to keep me distracted when i have the urge to you know..

I thought I was finally getting better but i guess i just went numb. I really don’t know how to describe it but i feel like it’s getting bad again by Ethan Jewell describes it really well. I can’t even recognise my own smile or laugh these past few weeks, it seems so foreign. Even hearing my own laugh sounds weird and alien.

Sorry if I burdened you with my feelings, i hope you’re taking care of yourself too

Paranoia

Sophie_M — Tue, 11 Jan 2022 03:35:20 GMT

Hey H-c,

Thank you for sharing this update to your thread. It’s a really proactive and strong step to take, sharing with the understanding people here like Croix and Geoff.

We just wanted to pop in and let you know we are here if you’d like to talk it through. We’d also really recommend asking for an appointment with a different GP. We know that’s a lot easier said than done when you’ve had a bad experience, but a good GP will really help you to find some support so that you don’t have to deal with so much of this on your own. Another option is to reach out to e-headspace, here.

Thanks again for sharing, H-c.

Kind regards,

Sophie M

Paranoia

Croix — Tue, 11 Jan 2022 11:59:44 GMT

Dear H-C`

Woo Boy, that song with quiet piano accompaniment just hits the spot. I'd never heard it before so thank you for letting me know about it. There are times when only a song that echoes what's inside will do, anything else simply emphasizes the gap.

One thing - you are NOT easily replaced, whatever you may think. You are valuable, have experiences others cannot conceive of, and have had the resilience to keep on going no matter what.

One thing that can be a rough indicator of depression and anxiety is the K10 test you can take here, then show the results, together with a verbal or written account of how you are feeling to your GP. It does not prove anything, but can be useful to start a line of inquiry.

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/the-facts/anxiety-and-depression-checklist-k10

A pre-written account, particularly in dot form, gives you a list the doctor can see and work from. Can keep a professional focused.

No actually you do not burden me, in fact you give me encouragement, if you can weather all these storms then that gives a lot of hope.

Can you tell me about Calm Harm? It's not one I've heard of and I'm always interested in case something better comes along.

Croix

Paranoia

geoff — Tue, 11 Jan 2022 16:11:19 GMT

Hello H-c, I've also listened to 'it's getting bad again by Ethan Jewell' and it takes me back to the days when I was suffering but it's truly moving.

I feel absolutely sorry for anyone feeling the same way and thoroughly commiserate with you.

My sympathy and dearly hope I don't have to go through this again.

Geoff.

Paranoia

H-c — Wed, 12 Jan 2022 08:43:00 GMT

Thank you

Paranoia

H-c — Wed, 12 Jan 2022 08:50:38 GMT

Thank you for your kind words.
I did take the k10 test a while ago and it was in a very high range.

Calm harm is like an app that basically helps you take your mind off of bad things in a way? I try using it when i feel hopeless and want to self-harm to feel something. The app then would give me suggestions of what i could try such as drawing on the areas that i want to self-harm. Before the app I’d use rubber bands or ice to stimulate similar feelings but the app somewhat helps i guess.. phew that was kinda heavy sorry.

Paranoia

Croix — Wed, 12 Jan 2022 12:02:02 GMT

Dear H-c~

Maybe heavy but you have now given me the idea about the app and have managed to do it in a sensitive and sensible way that gives me the idea without going into too much detail that other might find distressing - thank you

That reminds me you probably know all this already but just in case there is something fresh Beyond Blue has a couple of things, the first is detailed, the second simple

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/docs/default-source/resources/268798_0914_bl1302_acc_3-18.pdf?sfvrsn=26cd51eb_0

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/the-facts/suicide-prevention/feeling-suicidal/self-harm-and-self-injury

I'm going to have a look at the app, anything that takes the mind of its downward path can be very useful. It's what I use Smiling Mind for.

The BeyondNow App is designed to give you suggestions of things to do too. You get to choose and fill them in, which can be hard if you cannot remember any when down. So I change the contents when I'm feeling good, and keep on changing them as times goes on and a I get sick of something and discover something else.

I'm going to put "it’s getting bad again" on there as it will remind me I'm not alone and others feel the same.

Do you mind if I ask about the ideas you had about others spying on you and maybe tracking you - are you still feeling that way to the same extent? I was rather hoping things might have quietened down for you a bit. Being on your guard like that all the time would be pretty exhausting

Croix

Paranoia

H-c — Thu, 13 Jan 2022 03:37:03 GMT

Dear Croix,

It has quietened down but it hasn’t stopped. It gets worse at night when the thoughts are the loudest. Which lead me to try another coping mechanism which is self harm. Because of it Ive become really self conscious of myself. I don't know how to stop cause i feel like it’s the only thing I’m able to control..

It’s really exhausting and it’s getting harder and harder to pretend I’m fine, to try and act normal . It feels like I’m getting closer and closer to the edge with no way out, like the walls are closing in on me and the light is getting dim.

Paranoia

Sophie_M — Thu, 13 Jan 2022 04:14:36 GMT

Hi H-c,

Thank you for sharing with us here. We know it can be difficult but we think it can be a really powerful step towards feeling better.

We’re reaching out to you privately. In the meantime, we’d really encourage you to give us a call on the Beyond Blue Support Service on 1300 22 4636 to talk things through with the lovely counsellors there. A few more options are KidsHelpline on 1800 55 1800, Lifeline on 13 11 44, and Headspace on 1800 650 890. All of these options are also available through webchat, if you'd prefer:

It can be really tough to make the step to make a call but the people who answer the phone are kind and helpful. They speak to people about this everyday and can offer useful advice. You don't have to go through this alone.

Thanks again for sharing here, H-c.

Kind regards,
Sophie M

Paranoia

Croix — Fri, 14 Jan 2022 10:57:39 GMT

Dear H-c~

I can understand where you are coming from, to not be in control is horrible. To feel you are being swept along by forces beyond you, and where all directions seem bleak. Everyone needs to be in control of their lives, at least mostly.

I know you do not have a high regard for the medical profession, at one stage I thought they were pretty useless -before I knew better.

I had problems wiht being in control. Actually I was very frightened if my partner tried to get me out of a flashback or nightmare I'd lash out and hurt her. I'd do outside in the real world what I was doing in the flashback. It seemed like I was a passenger being carried along with no say in matters.

Eventually things got so bad I did go to a doctor. This was no easy thing and I had to explain firstly about the flashbacks and secondly about fear of being violent. I'd sort of kept quiet about them before.

It turned out to be an excellent thing to do and I started to improve, and my wife knew more about risks. As the worry about this lessened so did the number of flashbacks and nightmares -not entirely but better. Happily I was never violent.

I think now I'd do some things different. First I'd go a lot earlier and save myself a load of ongoing grief.

Second I'd take osmeone wiht me, not only for comfort, but to drive afterwards, I was exhausted.

Third I'd take a few days and briefly write down in point form all that was wrong and the circumstances. This is something I've since done with new doctors. It helps a lot. You both have the list to work off - you can point out if something missed. Because you write in advance there is no way to chickening out on the embarrassing/frightening bits - otherwise I probably would have:)

You can see where I'm going with all this, though we have different problems

I know self-harm is something you feel you have control of. Actually like me you have more control of things than you realise. I found that I did have a choice to go to seek aid - even if it seemed all too hard

A point form list is way easier to deal with than explanations in a session, you end up mostly just answering questions about each point you wrote

In any session you are still in control and have the final say. Doctors can suggest, give info and all the rest. You get to judge if it is what you need, and if not discuss, and get them to try something else, or say stop!

You deserve a much better life than you have now. I did too and I'm now good. If I can I expect you can

Croix

Paranoia

Croix — Sat, 15 Jan 2022 10:46:41 GMT

Dear H-c~

I'm just popping in to see how you are getting on. You sounded very stressed a day or so ago and I'm wondering if those nights are getting any better.

Do you have any sort of thing you do in the middle of the night to make yourself feel a bit better? (other than SH that is:)

Croix

Paranoia

H-c — Mon, 17 Jan 2022 08:31:47 GMT

Dear Croix,

No i dont have any thing to help me cope with my thoughts in the middle of the night. I feel like everything i have built and worked for are crumbling right in front of me. The pieces of myself that I’ve tried so hard to pick up keeps on breaking into even smaller pieces and at a faster rate. I feel like i am no longer myself but just an empty shell. I really don’t know how longer i can hold onto this and frankly I’m not even sure if I’ll be able to return to my past self.

I don’t know how to describe it but i feel like the “can’t help myself” robot.

I just want to sleep forever maybe that way no one would get hurt and maybe then they’d have a massive burden lifted off their shoulders.

but why is there a small part of me that wants to live?

Paranoia

Croix — Mon, 17 Jan 2022 11:41:52 GMT

Dear H-c~

"but why is there a small part of me that wants to live?"

Because that is your normal nature crammed and squashed up into a small part of you brain by depression that takes over as many thoughts as it can -like a cuckoo in some ways. Fortunately it has not been able to get rid of you, just make you forget huge parts of the world, and narrow down your focus to all the hopeless things that seemingly cannot be dealt with .

No, like me, you will not be able to return to your 'past self'. You will return to be a wiser more experienced being. A hard way to acquire wisdom, true. I'm not sure you'll understand but for me the most comforting phrase is "I've been here before". It means that for whatever is the current reason I've been this down before and have coped and survived.

I have probably mentioned something along these lines before however trying to defeat the “can’t help myself” robot head-on is not terribly practical. You need a plan and things laid out to grab wihtout thinking or much effort. Then in the middle of the night when it gets pretty hard you put your plan into action

It takes practice, like most worthwhile things do, and not seeming to get much benefit to start with is OK..

Mine is a go at Smiling Mind to break up the chain of dark self accusing and despairing thoughts. Then an alternative to think about before the chain re-starts. I store a selection of things on BeyondNow.

It's no use me saying you are not a burden if you think you are, that's just arguing. Let's look at it this way -OK so you can be a burden as times -so what? Other people need to offer help.

What goes around comes around. My partner helped me when I was very much a burden. Kept on for ages until I had reached a good recovery point. I was in her debt -though she did not see it that way.

Later on when she had a terminal illness I was able to be her strength, amusement and support, I was lucky, I could feel good about myself as a result.

If you do not get exactly the same opportunity then when you have reached a recovery stage help someone else.

Do you think that might make sense?

Croix

Paranoia

H-c — Sun, 30 Jan 2022 15:09:38 GMT

Dear Croix,

sorry I stopped replying, I thought it was gone for good.

update: it’s getting really bad. I just read a news article on mi phones and how the company is collecting our personal data.. and now my paranoia is through the roof. I’ve been using that phone for two years and now I’m scared and anxious about my data being somewhere in the internet where people can access everything. I want to invest in a new phone but unfortunately I don’t have the budget for it.
(the article that I read was released on 2020 and I just read that now.. how dumb of me)

I don’t know what to do to manage this intense feeling of uncomfortableness and cant stop shaking. I tried the smiling mind app too and it didn’t help. I tried calm harm.didn’t help. I really don’t know what to do anymore

pls help me

Paranoia

Croix — Mon, 31 Jan 2022 11:54:07 GMT

Dear H-c~

No worries about when you talk here, anytime you wish, with as many breaks as you wish too.

I'll try a little logic first, it probably is simply things you have thought of and dismissed, but maybe at some stage you might think it has a seed of truth in it.

This is indeed the information gathering age, however your phone is only a little bit of it, and not worth replacing because info gathering is all around.

Does it do any harm? Depends on the info, your bank account details sure, your preference in cars ot shampoo not really.

I guess if you followed though all my posts here since 2014 you would have a pretty complete idea of my life, but I"m comfortable with that as it helps others and no, my bank account details are not here:)

OK that's logic out the way.

In practical terms you have tried all the reasonable things to do, including getting advice here, phone apps and so on. Has done no good.

In order to have a happy life where you are not plagued by very unpleasant thoughts and fears (and react to them ) I'm afraid the next stage is a diagnosis from a doctor.

True you have had a bad experience, I'm lucky, I've only had a couple and mostly have had people who have known what they are doing, take me seriously, listen ot me and give me the proper treatment that suited me (both therapy and meds).

That treatment has, now that is the right one, done things for me I could never do for myself. I'm out of sight better.

Frankly I wish I'd gone earlier and been more truthful earlier. Still better late than never, it took longer as a result but is now good.

Not all doctors are the same, they have differing skills and interests. You are in charge. If you feel you are not being listened to or taken seriously after giving them a fair go then change to another -it is your decision.

I'd suggest before you do change you give them a chance and talk the matter over, if you think thay are not listening say so. If you think they are not taking you seriously show them your posts, or get them to agree to do better.

You do not have to be aggro about it, or worry overmuch, just explain calmly, (or write it down). I think you would be surprised at how many good doctors are out there, it's just a question of finding the right one for you.

Now I suspect that would not be any harder than long nights and unhappy days, things you have to deal with now.

I'm sorry I don't know of an easier path. I put it off and later became sorry I did

Croix

Paranoia

H-c — Wed, 02 Feb 2022 12:56:42 GMT

Dear Croix,

Im not sure if my reply got through but long story short I may have unlocked my phone right as I put it down on my bed and it unlocked one second later due to my phone lagging and stuff. But why is there a small part of me that thinks someone is controlling my phone?

by the way is it possible to see a doctor without my parents knowing ? Is it possible to hide my condition forever? Also will i be able to get better without the help of medication?