topic Narcissistic Abuse - Finally Free! in PTSD and trauma

Narcissistic Abuse - Finally Free!

FinallyFree — Fri, 19 Jan 2018 00:48:05 GMT

I can't believe I am free.

I was with my ex-fiance for 8 years and suffered at the hands of his cruel torments, naming, shaming and blaming. I forgot who I was for a long time. It wasn't until I was humiliated in public so harshly that I decided enough was enough.

As a child, growing up I came from a broken home. I was lucky to have my Dad and Stepmum who loved and supported me. My mother was cruel, manipulative and destructive... but she sucked me in. It was during my early twenties and living with my mother that I realised I needed out and it was then that I met my ex-fiance. He was charming, nice, complimented me and made me feel special. This was the first alarming sign I should have seen.. but I was so wrapped up in the honeymoon period I didn't listen to my "gut".

Once we moved in together, the abuse began. He would tell me that my family never loved me, that he was the only one who could look after me, nurture me etc. He told me I was dumb, stupid, worthless and nothing without him. He controlled what I wore, who I saw, where I went. I started losing my self confidence and my ability to converse with others. I was terrified to talk to other people or accept invitations because he would harass me, text me all night or ask people to "look out for me". I felt like I was constantly watched.

3 years later I left him... but I wasn't strong enough. I cried for weeks and felt more alone than ever. I took him back and endured another 5 years of hell.

This time round, he didn't control who I talked to or saw.. but he diminished my existence and self worth. He used violence and blackmail to get what he wanted. He threatened to hurt my family, friends and co-workers. Work was my only sanctuary.

After getting engaged, I realised I couldn't marry him. The proposal wasn't romantic at all, it felt as though it was an effort on his behalf to make me stay. He stopped listening to me and dictated every part of my life. The public humiliation was the last straw.. so I left for work... returned home after he had left and grabbed the clothes on my back. I drove for 2 days and back in the care of my family.. I am free! I have inner peace and after extensive research on narcissistic abuse I realise how much of a fool I was... how he sucked me in.

My aim on here is to talk to others about it. The more we talk about it.. the less control the abuser has. I hope my story gives others inspiration to leave.. it was the best thing I have ever done!

Narcissistic Abuse - Finally Free!

bindi-QLD — Fri, 19 Jan 2018 01:35:02 GMT

Welcome FinallyFree, and thank you for posting such a valuable dsicussion topic. Surviving Narcissistic abuse has its own complexities, as you would surely know. Relationships with Narcissists are one of the few that can't be repaired with `boundaries' or `opening up' or `being assertive'...the usual advice people give you when things aren't working in your relationship. Its agonizing when you realise that you basically just have to end the relationship to be free of their abuse. Sometimes you still love them dearly, and your material and inner resources are almost all gone. It takes so much bravery to pick yourself up, let go of the hope you once had, and make yourself push forward. I was glad to read about your job, at least you still have that as a financial resource as well as some social support.

The best thing about reading your story, is how relieved you sound. Like you've found peace with the truth about your ex, and you know you've done the right thing now. That's not an easy place to reach. It sounds to me that you did some good solid research there, well done for empowering yourself with knowledge about NPD. Its liek Fog being lifted isn't it?

Some of the best and most empowering insights I've gained over the years has been in support groups for survivors of NPD partners and family members. I originally joined a group for support through a breakup, like you. And then later I joined another group for support with my Mother with NPD. Those were very valuablefor me, I learned a lot and felt I received the support and understanding I truly needed.

If you ever find any mental health professionals who specialize in this area, I'd be interested to know. I looked around a lot over the years, but didn't find any . How about you, have you sought professional help yourself?

Narcissistic Abuse - Finally Free!

FinallyFree — Fri, 19 Jan 2018 02:02:40 GMT

Hi bindi-QLD,

Wow, thank you so much for your reply! And yes you are correct, I am relieved.

I agree, there isn't anything you can do with "dealing with a narcissist" and trust me I tried everything over the years. The more boundaries I placed, the worst the abuse got.

I am currently looking around for support groups and professionals with deal with survivors from NPD.. however much like yourself I haven't been able to find anything. It seems that although there is extensive information around NPD, there isn't enough support for those who want to overcome being with a person with NPD or fully understanding "why". The only reason I started researching after the breakup was because a friend mentioned that she thought he had NPD and recognised the signs because of her own experience with a Narcissist. Until then, I honestly thought the issue was with myself and that he was a psychopath with serious mental issues and demons.

How did you get yourself out of the situation? Did you come to the realisation as well? Sounds like your mother has similar traits to mine.. maybe that's why we were attracted to a partner with NPD also?

I hope that the more known this becomes, the easier it is for people who recognise the warning signs. I know the hardest part for me will be trusting someone again. Have you been able to move past this and find another partner?

Onwards and upwards here for us...

Narcissistic Abuse - Finally Free!

bindi-QLD — Fri, 19 Jan 2018 06:32:56 GMT

Hi FinallyFree,

Thanks heaps for your reply , its nice talking to you. I look forward to discussing the different topics you brought up. Yes, I did process things enough to be able to move on to a new relationship. We've been happy together 15 years. Some struggles, but no abuse.

You always hope you won't get deceived again. Narcissists put on such an elaborate deception in the beginning, its such a huge betrayal when the mask comes off , and you realize no love was ever there. The shock and pain of it is so bad, you need a lot of time away from them to process it and move on. They won't let you have it, as you know- they stalk, harrass, threaten and just have no respect or human compassion. Its so confusing, why stalk someone you don't love even? The mixed messages make no sense.

I've known people on the support groups I mentioned to have gone to enormous lengths, to carve out the space they needed to properly get over the abuse. They would have to change phone numbers , jobs, or even move house. Its almost impossible to properly process what happened unless you have no contact with them.

I think I did learn to trust again, but its never been that `magical thinking' trust I once had, based on hope. I trust now, based on evidence. I need actions and history to match a person's `official version' of themselves, for me to really trust them.

Something I do trust though, easily, is that outside people with NPD or psychopathy disorders, most people are pretty good and try to be. I lean towards compassionate people, with a lot of empathy. The world is mostly these people.

In spite of the enormous deception your ex performed, your experience with him will have alerted you to a lot of the signs of NPD and abusive people generally. You probably know the way they walk and body language, you'd be an expert. I really don't think you'd fall for someone like that again, the harm and pain you've suffered has been too great.

It helps to be patient with the `fog lifting'. It gets better and better, until you feel real revulsion for the behavior you endured. When you fall out of love properly, it is so profound. You feel grateful for your life, and committed to never having that experience again. You won't. You will find love and you will have a good life after this.

I will get to the stuff about our mothers. That's an a important healing topic to me, I look forward to chatting about it too:)

Where are you staying at the moment?

Narcissistic Abuse - Finally Free!

Ggrand — Fri, 19 Jan 2018 07:06:47 GMT

Hello Finally Free,

I just read part of my life story when I read your post,

I want to say well done for getting your courage up to leave him. I admire you immensely for that. You see I had 2 children involved and I stayed with my hubby for 38 years, He died 4 years ago, but he has left me totally broken, unable to forget the years of pain and abuse I suffered.

I needed to tell you how proud I was of you when I read your story, however it's triggering me, not your fault, I wanted to do this, because your story I hope will help a lot of women to beware of these type of people.

Kindness only,

Karen.

Narcissistic Abuse - Finally Free!

bindi-QLD — Fri, 19 Jan 2018 19:01:33 GMT

I felt sad reading about your marriage Karen, you have been such a wonderful and uplifting source of support to other people on this forum. I'm very sorry for the pain you endured, you are lovely compassionate person and I respect your decision to put your kids first.

You're right, when it comes to NPD abuse, you really need a lot of information to even understand you are being abused, and then make decisions. But that information has been scarce traditionally. I'm glad mental health awareness is changing, including this type of abuse.

Many good wishes for brighter times,

Narcissistic Abuse - Finally Free!

Birdy77 — Fri, 19 Jan 2018 21:03:08 GMT

Dear Finallyfree, bindi and Karen 😊

I am so happy to hear you are finally free, Finallyfree! It's a huge accomplishment to be able to disentangle yourself from a narcissists poinsonous grip.

Bindi you are such a wonderful person and gifted communicator you are a treasure to have on the forums.

Karen, you know i admire you deeply, and you are helping so many people all over the place here with your gentleness and compassion.

I freed myself eventually after 3 years of torture, and i was a shell of a person. I was so broken and i had given myself away, lost myself totally. I wasn't able to celebrate like you are, Finallyfreee. i felt like i was just nothing. It took ages for me to have my spirit back to be able to feel the relief and celebration that you express now. So happy for you.

I agree that it's an important discussion topic, i had no idea about narcissistic abuse until i was well out of it.

I am short of time right now but I'd like to join in. Have you ladies seen work by Melanie Tonia Evans? On her website, she has some very helpful articles etc. She has a course that she sells, but there are free resources there too for recovery from narcissistic abuse. You might find some things there helpful, i certainly did.

Wishing you all a Saturday of wonderful freedom.

🌻birdy

Narcissistic Abuse - Finally Free!

Cls — Sat, 20 Jan 2018 21:14:31 GMT

Hi Finallyfree,

I've read your thread. I'm glad it worked out well for you.

I was hoping to get some advice from you if you don't mind?

I am currently in a relationship with someone who's mother is narsacistic. He left for a little bit, but went back due to fear. She doesn't like me, so I am now unable to see/contact very often.

Being in this situation, what do you think is the best way for me to support him?

I have never been under the impression of a narsacist so I am struggling to relate and to find the right words.

Narcissistic Abuse - Finally Free!

bindi-QLD — Sat, 20 Jan 2018 21:30:27 GMT

Dear Birdie,

I am so sorry to hear you've experienced this kind of trauma and heart ache. You have been so encouraging since I started posting on this forum, thank you for being here. Many times I have admired your communication style too, and I wish I had phrased things as well you did. You have a real way about you.

I was in a similar position to you after my breakup, so I really know what it took out of you, and how low you feel during that time. I'm glad to know that you were able to stay strong and commit yourself to a better life without him.

I have read some of Melanie Tonia Evans work, thanks for posting that. Some of it I relate to, some of it felt a little bit off to me. The only major example of that I can think of, is her advice about reconciling with narcissistic parents. I come from a another school of thought, which is to limit contact with abusive narcissistic parents, just as you would a narcissistic partner. But I can respect differences of opinion. She's a lovely young woman, I really appreciate what she is doing to help people dealing with Naricisstic partners . I am glad you felt she helped you 🙂

In 2000, when I was first dealing with a partner with NPD, the main online author in the field was Sam Vaknin. His website inspired some of the online support groups I participated in, for partners of people with NPD, and Adult children of narcissists. They were great groups. It is good to be able to look around online today, and find many other great writers on the subject. I have found so many of them insightful and valuable.

Wishing everyone a peaceful and joyful Sunday:)

Narcissistic Abuse - Finally Free!

bindi-QLD — Sat, 20 Jan 2018 21:52:32 GMT

Hi Cls's,

You are a very kind and caring partner, I can understand your concern. Thats a very painful situation, when your partner lives with his Narcissistic mother, it is understandable that this would cause you a lot of relationship stress.

Have you ever lived together, or do you have any plans to do that? To me, that would be one solution. But i would like to offer you some cautions about that as well.

One of things I learned in `ACON' support groups (ACON stands for Adult Children of Narcissists) is that Narcissistic parents give their children `roles' to play, to support and cater to their Personality disorder. Some of those roles include `The Golden Child', who is the chosen one and most spoiled. It is not a role free of abuse, and it comes at a high price. But its worth knowing this child is often Narcissistic themsleves.

More empathetic children are given the roles of `Care-taker' , usually sensitive women are given this role, but sensitive men can take in on as well. They feed their parent admiration and cater to their other narcissistic needs. Those `other needs' could include `standing in the shadow' instead of reaching their full potential, as Narcissists are very jealous. Or it could mean trying to be perfect and put on a `good image', as narcissists like to hide their abuse behind the Image of a successful, good-looking family. Care-takers accept a lot of emotional neglect and abuse by suppressing their own feelings.

There is usually a child who is `The scapegoat'. This child can do nothing right in the parent's eyes, and is suffers the most brutal punishment and criticism.

This information is fairly widely available on the internet, you could try to do some reading about it. Maybe type in `Adult Children of narcissists' into google, that should give you some good reading material.

What i suggest, is try to figure out who your boyfriend is. You don't want a relationship with a boyfriend who is a narcissist themselves. It will cause you great harm if you do.

If you feel he is a sensitive one, being abused as a care-taker or scapegoat, then it may be beneficial to consider moving in together.

Just my thoughts, i hope they help.

Narcissistic Abuse - Finally Free!

Cls — Mon, 22 Jan 2018 01:10:26 GMT

Thank you for your reply.

He did live with me for a couple of months, but his mum made him go home for Christmas and he never came back. He wants to but he is scared of her and what she might do. I had asked him to move in with me properly, he told his mum and that's when a lot of the double started. Their father passed away 5years ago, he is oldest, so yes she expects him to look after her and his younger brother, even though they are all adults.

He still wants to live with me, but he is really scared to leave his family. I know I can't make him leave, but it's so hard to see him how he is. And I have only made things worse with his mum because I have threatened their family structure. He isn't close to his family, yet he is scared to leave due to all the things his mum has convinced him of.

I don't know if I should back off and give him time, or keep doing my best to contact him and talk to him.

Narcissistic Abuse - Finally Free!

FinallyFree — Mon, 22 Jan 2018 04:13:48 GMT

HI Cls,

Sorry to hear that your partner has an narcissistic mother! My gosh I totally understand this as my ex's mother and father are both narcs.

Honestly, trying to help your partner see them for who they are is so difficult. My mother is like this and it had to be a significant and life changing incident to happen to me with them that made me come to this realisation. It also helped me realise about my ex.

I think guiding him and talking to him about his experiences would help. Unfortunately most have to come to the realisation on their own, as they are so in tune with the fear and pleasing/fixer part of themselves that any advice is only advice.. they need to make the steps to get out all together. Given the strong connection to family the only way would be to cut off all contact. Given his father has gone, this is going to be a long and difficult process. Maybe introduce him to some materials or read these posts together.

I wish you all the best. What an amazing person you are to want to help him. A person such as yourself is the best support an empath needs.

Narcissistic Abuse - Finally Free!

FinallyFree — Mon, 22 Jan 2018 04:18:30 GMT

Hi Karen,

Firstly, thank you so much for commenting on here. I apologise that it is a trigger subject and appreciate your story. Sorry to hear your experience, I totally get it and I hope that these support avenues are able to assist you with your healing story.

I am here to talk if you like and I hope you find yourself again. You deserve all the happiness joy and love this world has to offer.

Narcissistic Abuse - Finally Free!

FinallyFree — Mon, 22 Jan 2018 04:23:54 GMT

Hi Birdy77,

Thank you so much for your kind words. It not only made me cry, but made me feel as though I am not alone. So thank you!

Yes I have seen Melaine's website and it has been a fantastic help. The thing that made me come to terms with the abuse I suffered was the realisation that it wasnt the first time. My mother had done this to me for so long.

I am glad you are free of your narc! Well done of your journey and coming so far. It takes time and there are times where I feel guilt and shame. When I do feel like this, I come on hear and read stories and articles to reassure myself I have done the right thing. These stories will help others and if its the only thing we take out of these forums then this is an amazing step. People deserve to know what these people are capable of and if our experiences can change someones life.. we are doing the right thing.

Thank you and I wish you all the love and happiness you deserve! Please keep me posted of your journey, I would love to hear how you are getting on.

Narcissistic Abuse - Finally Free!

FinallyFree — Mon, 22 Jan 2018 04:34:01 GMT

HI Bindi,

WOW! Thank you for your reply and congratulations on your journey. I am so please you found someone to love, protect and have an equal relationship with, that is fantastic!

Yes I have read alot of this over the last few days and everything your saying is correct. This will certainly help when I decide to put myself out there again. You are stop on about the fog lifting. Everyday I discover a new part of myself when I read something or come on here and see all the support. Your right, how can they pretend to show compassion and "love" when they are incapable of it.

Something that concerns me is how medical experts are going to be able to diagnose these people if they are so good with their mask. It scares me to think of how many are wandering this earth and preying on innocent empath's. We can only hope that something changes and the more articles and information is available, the more lives can be saved.

Yes I think the codependence with parents and how that creates both narc's and can cause destruction with empath children is an interesting and important part of research when it comes to understanding NPD. I would love to get into a discussion about this, so that we can educate and help others who may be experiencing this.

I am staying with my parents until I get on my feet. I am back at work which keeps me occupied and these forums offer immense support.

Once again thank you for your post and I look forward to hearing from you.

Narcissistic Abuse - Finally Free!

Ggrand — Mon, 22 Jan 2018 05:03:44 GMT

Hello finally Free,

My parents ruled us with fear, with a jug chord, I thought this was how everyone lived, I was never allowed out to my friends house, they were never allowed over mine, What went on in my family's home stayed behind locked doors,

Then married at 18, to escape my family, I was so wrong, now I lived with a worse problem as a husband he had certain rights over me, the first 10 years, I once again was ruled by a dominating and extremely cruel husband, next 28 or so years I was now living in fear, sometimes in fear of my life. I had to stay to protect my children, Then I had to stay for fear of what I knew was was capable of doing. This also stayed behind closed doors.

Why didn't I leave him your all saying. Fear again kept me their, I left him a couple of times, but narcissistic brain wash you into believing you are the wrong one, you deserved what you get, you caused all the problems. especially if that is they way you lived all your life from a very young age, he found me once, well things got worse from then on. The other time I went back because he had me believing I caused him to have a heart attack, all lies, I decided then that if I wanted to survive I had better stay put, as threats were starting to fly around now. Strange thing was everyone who knew, worked with or associated with my husband thought he was the perfect gentleman.

4.5 years ago he died, I held all this pain, hurt fear, guilt and other emotions I won't write in here, for nearly 2 years I hung on. then out of nowhere I had a major breakdown, my world came crashing down and took me with it. I am now so broken and crushed that I am struggling to accept me. and I'm continually asking so many why's.

A little bit of living with a narcissistic person/people.

Karen.

Narcissistic Abuse - Finally Free!

Cls — Mon, 22 Jan 2018 05:16:12 GMT

Thank you so much. I'm feeling a little bit better about it now. I just have to tough it out and hope he can too. Next time I see him I shall see if I can get him to do some reading with me.

I know last time I was there he started seeing what she was doing, not letting him speak, share his feelings, it was all about her, he tried to stand up for me and himself but she kept telling him off and trying to send him inside so I couldn't see him. I had to leave my car key with her just to talk to him privately.

I just have to hope he can get his strength up to do something about it. He has myself and a friend of his that have been really supportive for him, so hopefully that can help him.

Narcissistic Abuse - Finally Free!

bindi-QLD — Mon, 22 Jan 2018 07:32:56 GMT

Hi Cls,

I agree with Finally Free, its going to be process for you and your boyfriend to figure this out, and I'm really sorry for the pain you are enduring right now. I'm totally with you; it would better for you and your boyfriend to live together. Ideally, you would go back to having the distance with your boyfriend's mother he already wanted.

It would even be better for your boyfriend's mother to find an adult man to be her new spouse, instead of pressuring her son into the role. There's a word for what she's doing, its called `Spousification'. Narcissistic mothers are reknown for it, its when they pressure sons into fulfilling needs a husband should fulfill. Its a form of abuse. They will do it for any reason, but loss of a husband gives them more leverage for manipulating your boyfriend into that role .

A son is not a husband, he has the need to have a wife and family of his own. Mothers who spousify have no respect for the things a son needs, and they are very jealous and undermining of any romantic relationship their son has.

I think the only thing you can do, is to share information with him. Try to name the abuse he is experiencing. He will be stressed, he won't be liking being the `new husband'. Its a good opportunity to help him understand that the pressure he us feeling from her, is abusive. And try to make him understand, it doesn't help her either, she needs a man who is not her son to give her what she really needs. If he steps back instead of fulfilling that gulf in her life, she has more chance at happiness too.

If you have time, google the word `Spousification'. Its real eye opener and will explain a lot about what you boyfriend is experiencing. He will be grateful to know too, I'm sure.

Narcissistic Abuse - Finally Free!

Cls — Mon, 22 Jan 2018 07:55:12 GMT

He has told me he wants to live with me, but he he is scared. One, because it is a big step for a relationship and it is freaking him out, which I know a is a normal feeling, but he thinks he has a problem because of it. The second reason is because if he decides to love with me, he won't be able to bring anything with him and he'd have to start again, because his mum won't let him leave with a bag, I still have some of his stuff though.

I agree that she needs to find another partner, her other son has tried to tell her this, but she is adement that her husband was her one and only, she won't even try to move on. Honestly, I don't think any of them grieved properly when the husband/father passed away, they haven't endured the process, there is still a lot of deniel and anger. What triggered my boyfriends depression, was partially due to the anniversary of his dad's death, so he had started dealing with it and talking about it recently, but his mum wouldn't let him, so she is basically stopping him from moving on with his life.

I have been talking to a friend of his, and this isn't the first time their mum has done this to her son's girlfriends, which is what has lead me to believe that she is not prepared to let the boys go. The only way for that to happen is for them to leave.

It's really hard to communicate with my bf right now since his mum is watching him and his phone like a hawk and I can't just show up on the doorstep unfortunately. But hopefully when I see him next I can share this information with him.

Thankyou Bindi-QLD

Narcissistic Abuse - Finally Free!

bindi-QLD — Tue, 23 Jan 2018 02:11:38 GMT

Hi Cls,

I really feel for you going through this, with hardly being able to speak to him, and feeling so anxious about your future with him. Being shut out when you feel worried and need to talk to your partner is a very painful situation.

If I may make a general comment, I feel that there will continue to be a lot of pressure put on you , to put aside what you want and need. The pressure is coming from your partner's mother, of course. But your partner is also putting that pressure on you, because he feels compelled to cater to his mother's personality disorder, instead of what your relationship needs.

It would probably be ideal for him if all your needs just disappeared and you went along with enabling his mother's personality disorder. Which means, for you, accepting her cruel behaviour towards you and your boyfriend's unavailability. For a little while, that might keep the peace (for him), but I believe its unfair on you.

I think whatever happens, please be true to yourself, in spite of all the pressure you feel. If you have needs, express them. If you are angry, don't hide it. Be kind, communicate clearly and with love. But don't become the `nothing' that a situation like this demands. Your needs are just as important as anyone else's.

I think what you have on your side, is your boyfriend is unlikely to want to play husband to his mother for long. But if he does choose that role for himself as a long term situation, what do you think you would like to do?