topic 39 year marriage and mental abuse in PTSD and trauma

39 year marriage and mental abuse

Broken_and_binned_ — Wed, 12 Jan 2022 20:54:09 GMT

I left my husband 3 months ago, and I am having trouble with him gaslighting me as well as love bombing me.

He has another young woman in his life who is younger than our youngest daughter, but keeps lying about everything, and blames me for his infidelities.

He says extremely nasty things to me about my body and my mental situation which he has put me in over the years. This has become so bad that I have turned into something I am not, and that being nasty and hateful like him, but that isn’t me at all!

I am teetering on the edge, and the hurt is too much. I can’t stop shaking, tears just flow at any moment, and the anxiety is out of control!

I want this to end, and even though I have left him, it’s getting worse, and the love I have for him won’t shut off!

He called it quits on our marriage and informed me that he wasn’t in love with me anymore and felt like that on and off for about 30 years! He wanted me out of our home as I said to him “I spose you want me to get out as well”, and he said yes, so I did. It was a hard thing to do giving that I love him, but considering his explosions in the past, I really had no choice. It was fear that helped me get out!

He has accused me of sleeping with everyone he knows, which I haven’t, and I have been devoted to him since I was almost 15 years old!

There is so much to this non story, but I don’t want to divulge too much as I am feeling really stupid, used, and discarded about pretty much everything in life!

I don’t know if he is Schizophrenic or has NPD, but his paranoia is over the top!
My head just spins out of control and I can’t eat. I can’t think. I can’t go to sleep then when I do I wake numerous times through the night, and sometimes I wake having a panic attack!

Teo of our three kids, adults actually, and our grandkids, won’t have anything to do with him, so I am blamed for that.

He forgets that our three kids have been there and seen as well as heard what happened in our home, but thinks they’re so n so’s for thinking that anything bad was happening! He was just abusing their mum verbally, or he threw a hot cup of coffee over me which they seen, my car keys thrown on the house roof, and much more!

I’m actually, or was a fun and comical person so everyone is telling me and now this has happened, my family and friends are not only shocked, but can now understand why I became a distant and sad individual!

My heart is shattered to bits and my whole persona has left earth it feels.

Does this ever end?

39 year marriage and mental abuse

Sophie_M — Wed, 12 Jan 2022 20:58:04 GMT

Hey Broken and binned,
Welcome to our friendly online community, we are so glad you decided to join us here. We know it can be hard to write the first post, so thank you for having the courage.
We're sure that a lot of our community members will relate to these feelings and hopefully some of them will pop by to offer you words of wisdom and kindness.
We would strongly urge that you contact. They offer 24/7 confidential information, counselling and support for people impacted by sexual assault, domestic or family violence and abuse. The lovely supportive counsellors have a lot of experience offering advice and support to anyone who has been through trauma like this. You can contact them on 1800 737 732 or visit https://www.1800respect.org.au/
If you would like some help finding mental health support, we would recommend that you get in contact with the Beyond Blue Support Service. They are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 1pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport One of our friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings with you and can offer support, advice and referrals.

39 year marriage and mental abuse

white knight — Thu, 13 Jan 2022 00:02:56 GMT

Hi b and b, welcome.

I think we can help you.

Guilt, pain, sorrow, feeling of failure is just examples of how we feel when separating. The longer you were together the harder it is.

Being together that long has conditioned you to feel obligated to remain with some connections to him, yet, you have the power to limit such connections based on your tolerance, mental well being and legal obligations like property settlement

Eg I would write a note telling him I no longer want him to ring, text, door knock or email me. That he can write only. That gives you the option to read, digest and then respond if you wish at your own pace. If he fails and connects you then you can block his number. If he door knock he is breaching privacy you ask for so the next step is a court order.

All property matters can be dealt with legally.

Gaslighting is severe abuse. It festers guilt and can be very effective. Your mental state appears to require repair from this behaviour. You need rest and your own space.

It is important to know at this point that finding distractions is vital. Hobbies, sports, clubs or groups of people in likewise situations. Get busy enough that you haven't got the time to dwell.

My FIL left my MIL for a woman 1 year older than my wife. It hurt them even though it's not illegal.

Put simply you deserve better and putting in place strategies of protection will heal you quicker.

Repost anytime

Google

Beyondblue topic the best praise you'll ever get

Beyondblue topic variety and distraction

TonyWK

39 year marriage and mental abuse

Broken_and_binned_ — Thu, 13 Jan 2022 01:12:01 GMT

Thank you Tony 🙂

I wish I could just forget him, at the snap of a finger. How nice that would be…

I have blocked him but his emails go straight to the bin. So, I can still read them. After what was sent last night, I won’t be responding ever again,

I have engaged a lawyer now, so that’s worrying me greatly, however I am living 2.5 hrs from him and the police have short listed me as a priority after what he had sent via text the morning he got home and I had fled!

Every time I read something or listen to a podcast on Narcissists, I discover something else he has done/said, or pulled on me 🤯

It is extremely confronting, but what’s worse, I have known everything and I questioned everything and I got “it’s all in your head”.
So I question myself ALL the time, second guess myself like I don’t trust my own intelligence.

Everyone says that I will get through this, but I feel that the worst is yet to come and I don’t think I am strong enough to weather it!

39 year marriage and mental abuse

white knight — Thu, 13 Jan 2022 01:15:59 GMT

Sometimes people an be cruel...and it isn't illegal.

You will get through this. You will.

TonyWK

39 year marriage and mental abuse

Broken_and_binned_ — Thu, 13 Jan 2022 01:24:11 GMT

I hope I do sincerely!

I have been told things that I won’t share about me physically, which disgusted me, but it’s insult to injury over and over and over…

I don’t think I could ever be in love with anyone again because now I have this revolting image of myself from his perspective.

I know his angle is to break me and it has worked, and the problem is that things said such as what he did, with never be overcome.

39 year marriage and mental abuse

white knight — Thu, 13 Jan 2022 04:19:17 GMT

Hi b and b

Back in 1996 after 11 yerars of marriage to a woman that used narcissistic methods including silence for up to 6 weeks at a time, I tried to take my life. We had two daughters 7 and 4yo. I had been working 3 jobs including 42 hours a week shift work to entertain her wishes to remain home with the children, however she was lazy and over time stopped housework, cooking and when the girls were young, changing nappies of which I had done more often than her.

I survived that period, one week later after my father said "better for your kids to be a great part time dad than no dad at all"...I left. Broke my heart kissing my girls on the forehead as they slept then drove off, by the time I got to the end of our street my tears turned to laughter- she didnt win.

Her second husband and a third partner had the same issues with her. I went on and eventually remarried and have been with my wife for 10 years. My eldest stopped seeing her mother and treat my wife as "mum".

You havent had many opportunities if at all to obtain evidence that he is toxic and guilty of actions, in fact he is gaslighting which is placing his guilt onto you. As likely a weaker (but not worse) personality perhaps submissive or a people pleaser, you take what he says like a sponge. He knows you inside out and for that reason alone you have to break the bond.

LOVE- You dont need to be "in love" again. If it comes naturally then fine but for now eliminate it from your mind because your self image will place burden upon your own expectations. My lovely beautiful wife has a plump shape. Prior to us marrying (we'd known each other 25 years beforehand) all my partners had been slim and petite. I absolutely adore her. She is kind, loves animals, giggly, tends to my needs like a nurse and is devoted and trustworthy. Thats why earlier I said "you deserve better".

It is fair for you to say "will never be overcome" - because things said can never be overcome, its factual. Just before I walked out of my first marriage I was yelling at my wife- "you have divided this family and robbed our girls of their father due to your words" ... or similar. Then she blew a smoke ring into my face in contempt. I then left. My point is- that I held onto that for several years. I'm proud I didnt physically explode. The thing is, I eventually let it go in my mind in terms of how important it was. Many mnore things took over like my daughters needs and building a new house.

Distractions and time...

TonyWK

39 year marriage and mental abuse

Broken_and_binned_ — Thu, 13 Jan 2022 05:01:24 GMT

Tony I am not following when you mention evidence about him being toxic.

I have been made to not bother with my old school friends, he put them down and would say that they aren’t good friends etc.

When I stopped phoning them and getting together with them, he went out of his way to be friends with them which confused me. It was like someone being a middle man, but if I did call either of them, I copped the same thing about them not being my friends! He would text at Christmas and new year’s and say “ I have text ??? to say whatever”.

If I went shopping and took longer for what ever reason, which was usually because I thought he could go to bugggery and I will enjoy my alone time, he would text me. “Where are you, are you with someone”? The suspicions and innuendos would start.
Even now, we aren’t together but if I don’t ( well up until weekend just gone) text him straight back - BOOM- I’m with someone and up to no good! 🤷‍♀️

39 year marriage and mental abuse

Broken_and_binned_ — Thu, 13 Jan 2022 05:27:06 GMT

WHAT A DRONGO…

My marriage was 36 years on the 11th, but we had been together for 39 years…

I said my head won’t stop spinning 😵‍💫

39 year marriage and mental abuse

white knight — Thu, 13 Jan 2022 07:53:17 GMT

Hi,

"You havent had many opportunities if at all to obtain evidence that he is toxic and guilty of actions, in fact he is gaslighting which is placing his guilt onto you." Not said well by me I'm sorry. I meant that up till now you havent had enough evidence to convince yourself of his toxicity, rather you're still in the frame of mind that what he says is valid or important where what he says is inaccurate or plain wrong.

Eg "I have been made to not bother with my old school friends, he put them down and would say that they aren’t good friends etc.". Normally people arent "made" to discard old school friends. Most people (in your situation) would demand that their controlling partner leaves you alone to enjoy them!. He actions suggest possessiveness. Not only is he controlling but when we enable them over time to control us sometimes we are unaware of how much control they have on our lives.

Do you feel better now that you've separated?

TonyWK

39 year marriage and mental abuse

Broken_and_binned_ — Thu, 13 Jan 2022 08:14:07 GMT

Now I get it….

Well, it was a weird unsaid thing if you can understand! Anything that he wasn’t happy with, I knew to not go there as I used to years ago. When I stood up for things or if I had a great time visiting my best friend, he was instantly annoyed! If I said that someone was nice of the opposite sex, instantly he would snap “so you wanna @&$! them”, and even one female friend that I had he said the same so that friendship ended.

There is sooo much more to reveal about what I have endured, and a mountains worth of mind games…. I am exhausted..

I short answer for your question is yes. Yes I am happy I left.

I just feel trapped still and on guard waiting for something! The same as being with him.

Does that make sense?

39 year marriage and mental abuse

white knight — Thu, 13 Jan 2022 08:35:58 GMT

"I just feel trapped still and on guard waiting for something! The same as being with him."

As someone with severe anxiety for much of my 65 years (overcame it 10 years ago) that was caused by a mother that yelled without warning at the slightest hint I'd done something wrong as a child, I was never aware enough so I'd be ready for her voice. Hence I ended up jumpy.

Your have been abused and now you are expecting him to control your life even though he is absent. Now, If I told you my mother is now 90yo and even though I havent seen her (my choice) for 11 years, I am still scared of her! In fact, I'd go further- if she died tomorrow I would still be scared of her until I passed away. That is "programming". You are programmed to be controlled as if he owned you.

I have a saying "tyrants never win". If you take into account every tyrant in the history of man eg Hitler, Gaddafi, Hussein, Starlin etc. Tyrants also live in families. There is no need to mention that many behaviours/actions he's done, I can guess. I've lived much of my working life and defence life with men and I know them.

You can set out a plan at this stage even though it's early days.

Protection- Take all necessary steps to sever any contact with him. Utilise a solicitor if needed to do it legally eg that he must contact your solicitor to communicate.
Security- If he violates your right to privacy and that is intolerable then you'll need a court order to keep him away. Commonly they work for 12 months.
Personal growth- hobbies, sports, special interests, clubs. Keep busy so your mind empties itself as much as possible from him
Channeling energy- helping others can be a rewarding interest. That will cause you to value yourself.
Positivity- do you realise that many women in a similar situation is reading your thread here and learning to be independent and strong to stand up to their men!
What do you think?
TonyWK

39 year marriage and mental abuse

Broken_and_binned_ — Thu, 13 Jan 2022 19:46:08 GMT

I think you misunderstood what I meant.

I am waiting for the proverbial to hit the fan, so in essence, I am waiting for his reaction, which might be really bad!

I feel ill knowing what he’s capable of, but hasn’t been like for a number of years, however, it’s always in the back of my mind that one day, he will revert back!

39 year marriage and mental abuse

white knight — Thu, 13 Jan 2022 21:03:00 GMT

Well the reality is, you can't do anything about any action he chooses to take. Only action that's illegal can be acted upon.

TonyWK

39 year marriage and mental abuse

I_learnt — Sun, 16 Jan 2022 08:08:18 GMT

Hi,

I found it very helpful when I was advised many years ago after leaving an abusive relationship that the love I felt for my partner would eventually die. This was extremely helpful because I hated myself for feeling that I wanted to go back to him. When a relationship ends you need time to grieve. It does get easier with time.

39 year marriage and mental abuse

white knight — Sun, 16 Jan 2022 10:43:06 GMT

Thanks I learnt

Also helps when one seeks love again and realises you can find someone more ideal. If that's a desire.

Great to see you here.

TonyWK

39 year marriage and mental abuse

ThrivingNow — Mon, 24 Jan 2022 09:56:51 GMT

Hi Broken and binned!

That's a tough nickname. I left a narc but did not know what one was until after. Lies. Misdirection. Blame shifting. Control. Gaslighting. Escalating to assault. Withholding children. Dragging matters out in court.

I understand that people with this personality type need the attention of empathic people to feel better about themselves. Empathic people, particularly if trauma bonded, can continue to deliver the attention that they crave. What I am trying to say is that you sound like the healthy one. Someone who doesn't need to run things by your ex for their approval. Someone who has the capability to move on with some understanding and support.

I recommend packing a picnic one sunny day and taking yourself to the beach or to a park. Open up YouTube and search for the channel run by HG Tudor. Listen to the content on his channel. Every now and then you will have an aha moment. One of his key messages is that No Contact is essential to move on. Set up a new email address. Update all the places where your old one was registered. Block your ex on social media.

If you have any concern about physical harm, install a CCTV WiFi camera that can send alerts to your phone. Make it visible from the street. It will act as a deterrent and provide you some reassurance.

All the best.

39 year marriage and mental abuse

Witchy76 — Mon, 24 Jan 2022 16:36:48 GMT

Hi I am reading everything and getting tips. I also am being gaslit, mentally abused, controlled etc and am stuck in the marital home, working on that one,

I agree keep busy , you got this , exercise helps me to feel better , clearer mind

Ali

39 year marriage and mental abuse

Makka84 — Sun, 10 Apr 2022 10:50:48 GMT

You are all guardian angels.

This feelings will end,feel what you need to feel,cry all you need to cry.

Be strong for your kids,they will be your rock.

For each negative thought you have counteract with a positive

There is light at the end of the tunnel x