topic I Don't Even Know Who I Am Anymore in PTSD and trauma

I Don't Even Know Who I Am Anymore

_Once_Upon_A_Dime_ — Mon, 19 Mar 2018 17:51:03 GMT

It's taking me alot to post on here but here we go...

My names Nicholas, I'm 24yrs old and suffer from Depression, Anxiety & PTSD.

I am seeking advice as title states it all, My current situations pretty much like being stuck in a hole, only each and everyday that holes getting deeper and the chances of getting out get slimmer.

I am here because I wanna overcome this obstical and face my demons, sadly I don't know how to do so..

Let's cut to the chance and what I'm about to tell you only a close friend who I don't speak to anymore & my father who I haven't heard from since Christmas 2016 know about this.

When I was a child around 7-9yrs old (Rough Estimate) I was raped and molested by a neighbor in my street, I was staying over is place with my two older brothers camping out in his back yard, we where sleeping in two separate tents when the assualted had happened and some how managed to keep it a secret from my mum.

I don't know how to escape this hole, It's getting deeper by the minute and the light at the end of It's slowly fading to darkness, I'm stuck helplessly at the bottom of this pit like it's me ment to be my grave, I scream for someone to help but no one hears me, slowly losing faith. Nicholas

I Don't Even Know Who I Am Anymore

white knight — Tue, 20 Mar 2018 01:07:53 GMT

Hi Nicholas

I'm glad you wrote in, it would not have been easy. Time to deal with this and seek some help. The only way I can see this happening is to get a referral from your GP to a suitable therapist. And if that isn't to your liking, try another. Determination will pay dividends.

The evil in society cannot be stopped. I found that out as a prison officer in 1978 when in contact with predators. I was 21yo, so young and my eyes were opened. However, there are many adults like me that desire to protect our young but cannot fully do so. I imagine your dad would have felt a failure when you told him of your ordeal.

You are entitled to all your feelings you possess, what ever they are. Anger, resentment etc. You are even entitled to make a complaint to the police. It's all up to you. What ever action you take, pat yourself on the back for being a survivor because being a survivor is the one thing that the perpetrator cannot take away from you. It is reason to be proud.

A purpose in life is crucial IMO. This will distract you. You might not be able to "throw that bag of rocks in the river" but you might seek therapy to learn to leave them by the bank as you continue through life, and a wonderful life it can be. Full of activities, love and care, career, travel etc. So dealing with this event that causes you ongoing trauma is essential. Time to take that step eh.

We are here 24/7 365 days a year. Feel free if you like, to continue to post. What ever you want.

On behalf of all good adults that care and protect our children....I'm sorry this has happened to you. We offer you care and comfort that you are safe and in good hands.

Tony WK

I Don't Even Know Who I Am Anymore

Croix — Tue, 20 Mar 2018 11:37:53 GMT

Dear Nicholas~

Like Tony I'm welcoming you here. This place is special, basically because just about everyone here has suffered one way or another. That makes for care and understanding, not something you get so much in the outside world.

Having an experience like that can take over your life and lead you down all alone into hopelessness. I have the same illnesses, PTSD, depression and anxiety, as you do - but for very different reasons, so while I've no way to relate to what happened to you maybe I can understand the not knowing who you are feelings a bit.

I'd like to tell you I found light at the end. I'm not cured but have a pretty good life with a partner, love, occupation, accomplished and a feeling I'm worth-while. I was a complete suicidal mess. I'm telling you so you know it does not have to end in disaster.

My way out was medical treatment, doctors, psychiatrists, therapy, meds. Plus the support of my partner.

You have set out what happened in burning detail. Not surprising as it must be uppermost in your mind. Could you go on to talk to us more? Not heavy stuff, about your life now. Do you have a family? An occupation? Do you get treatment? All that sort of thing. It's not being nosy, the more one knows the better one can talk.

You said you don't talk to your friend and have not heard from your father. Do you have any idea why?

Tony has said go to the doctors and therapists if you are not doing so now. Well that is spot on, but just as important is what he said after. The professionals have to do you good, they have to click with you and for you to end up having confidence in them. Not always easy, and can take more than one go to find the right people. I was lucky and found those I could open up with over time.

Do you have anyone in your life to be with, who cares and wants to help? I found it made a big difference.

We would really like it if you felt you could keep coming here and talking, we do care

Croix

I Don't Even Know Who I Am Anymore

Quercus — Tue, 20 Mar 2018 15:43:05 GMT

Hi Nicholas,

Welcome to the forums and thank you for being brave enough to share with others.

How do you feel about putting the words out there? I felt confused. Granted my story is very different to yours but I am worried about you.

Do you have a psychiatrist or psychologist helping you? I ask because when I put my story out there it triggered a lot of awful feelings I needed help to manage. More help than an online forum alone could give me.

Unfortunately many others will understand your story. I'm sorry you feel so alone. Have you looked at the 1in6 or the livingwell websites? There are a lot of resources available for men who have survived sexual abuse and those two sites have a lot of good information. Sorry if you have already looked into them.

I wanted to reply to encourage you. That you are safe here to talk. That noone here will judge you.

Even though I know for myself my mind likes to blame me for the rape no matter what others say... I wanted to say it anyway.

It is not your fault.

Being raped does not make you any less worthwhile or valuable.

Cliche maybe but I struggle with those too so I wanted to remind you there is more to you than what some evil excuse for a human put you through. One day I hope you are able to see this too.

Kind thoughts to you.

Nat

I Don't Even Know Who I Am Anymore

Doolhof — Tue, 20 Mar 2018 20:45:39 GMT

Dear Nicolas,

HI. I too welcome you to the community here. I'm so very sorry to read your story, it must have taken guts to write it and hopefully by doing so, that act alone of sharing your anguish may ease you pain and suffering just a little.

Please know that there is absolutely nothing you did that horrible evening to deserve what happened to you! You were taken advantage of by a very sick and disturbed person.

You wrote you have only mentioned this to one friend and your Dad. Do you think you would have the courage to see a councillor or therapist about this? You could print out what you have written here and pass it to a therapist/psychologist/psychiatrist.

There is a chat on line service here on the forum, have a look at the "Talk it through with us section". You may find it easier to use the email type service.

It is excellent you have made a start and have reached out here. As Croix mentioned, we are all people who have suffered from something. We can help and support you to a certain extent, it may well be very beneficial to receive professional assistance as well.

Suffering from any kind of trauma can be devastating. Sexual abuse is horrendous. You need help with this, you deserve assistance, so please keep looking, keep phoning for appointments, be prepared for the hurt and pain to possibly magnify before it begins to lessen and reduce once you start facing your demons.

None of this was your fault. You were a child. You had no power over this monster. Now you do. Now you can find the strength o deal with what has happened and to reduce the pain within you.

Wishing you the strength you need to face this and to eventually be able to move on. I am not saying you will forget what happened, but you will hopefully find the strength to move forward.

Sincere thoughts of care and concern for you, from (Mrs) Dools

I Don't Even Know Who I Am Anymore

White_Rose — Tue, 20 Mar 2018 21:47:36 GMT

Dear Nicholas

Hello and welcome to the forum. I think everyone has welcomed you and it is a sincere welcome. You have been through a dreadful experience and been severely traumatised. Horrible. I hate the thought of anyone being abused but especially children.

It is not you who is disgusting but your attacker. As Tony and Croix have said, please get some professional help. It's not good to carry this burden all your life on your own. No, it will not make it go away but you can find more peace which I think you need.

Quercus has said there is a tendency to blame yourself which I think is because we cannot comprehend how someone would do these things, no matter how old we are. Our children are precious (no matter how cranky we get at times) and we will not allow them to be abused. It is unfortunate you could not tell your mom at the time but an adult threatening to kill your family must have been terrifying.

I suggest you talk to your GP initially and ask for a referral to a psychiatrist, preferably one that has experience in dealing with child abuse. It will be a hard road to travel but the rewards for you in peace of mind and the ability to live your life so much more comfortably are enormous.

Meanwhile we are here to share your sadness and support you at any time. As Quercus and Croix have said, we cannot relate directly to your pain but we have all been damaged in some way and can feel your pain because we are also hurting.

Please keep in touch.

Mary

I Don't Even Know Who I Am Anymore

Just Sara — Fri, 23 Mar 2018 02:59:24 GMT

Hi Nicolas;

You poor, poor boy. How tragic your young life's been. I was a little older when it happened to me by my dad. I know feelings of helplessness, dread, anger, confusion, betrayal, abandonment, grief and sadness that was in my heart, mind and body at the time, and since.

I won't give any advice here except to write, write and write more. Get it out of your head and soul. Put into words what you've wanted to say, what you need to say...

You were a little boy alone with no-one to save you at the time or beat the crap out of your abuser. Your trust and faith was abused as well as your body.

Little minds don't know how to come back from this. That boy you were then still exists inside of you screaming to be heard and nurtured; to be made whole again.

It can happen Nick. Lean on me...

Talk to me...

Sez (with a nurturing hug)

I Don't Even Know Who I Am Anymore

White_Rose — Sat, 24 Mar 2018 06:07:26 GMT

Hello Nicholas

How are you going? Can you write in again and tell us what is happening in your life? We would like to chat to you and help as much as possible. This is not something to carry alone.

Mary

I Don't Even Know Who I Am Anymore

_Once_Upon_A_Dime_ — Wed, 09 May 2018 14:53:26 GMT

Hey guys and girl's alot of you have probably been waiting for a update, So here's what's happen since posting this, Unfortunately after posting this the very next morning I contact mental health to speak to a psychologist or councilor to try get a appointment so I could get this off my chest, unfortunately they where little to no help and have left me still trying to fight this burden with little to no help, I have now got a job and work everyday from 2-9pm and haven't had the time to go see a pyschologist about this matter, I will post a outcome when I can into this matter, the actual original of this post was way longer but didn't meet the guidelines of this site so this post had alot of editing however it's as close as it will be to the actual original post

I Don't Even Know Who I Am Anymore

Doolhof — Wed, 09 May 2018 21:04:46 GMT

Hi Once upon a dime,

Usually to make an appointment to see a psychologist you need a Drs referral. Have you been to your GP to ask for a referral and to ask for suggestions where else you could get some help? The Dr may be able to provide you with a Mental Health Care plan.

You could see if there is some Sexual Health organisations in your area or a number you could call to talk to someone. If you call the Beyondblue helpline on 1300 22 4636 they may be able to assist you with specific people to help in your region as well.

Congratulations on getting a job! That is excellent!

Cheers from Dools

I Don't Even Know Who I Am Anymore

_Once_Upon_A_Dime_ — Wed, 03 Oct 2018 17:05:14 GMT

Hey Guy's & Girls, I'd like the thank you for the replies and updates upon this thread, I'm posting a update on here because I've reached a point where I can't even see the light at the bottom of this hole, Yesterday 03/10/2018 I had a major brrakdown infront of my current girlfriends mother as I told her what happen because she's been throught the same expereince, I guess what I'm saying is I've realized there's no changing the past, I've tried seeking help but I can't do it and everytime I do see someone I hold back the truth about this darkness, I guess what I'm saying is I'm really really really in a dark place at this very moment, meanwhile my partners asleep beside me and I'm under this blanket saying this shit, I know this isnt her burden and I'm at the point where its like if your love somethif set it free because I know this is effecting her. Im so messed up atm cant even sleep, constantly crying, putting a fake smile on daily.

I Don't Even Know Who I Am Anymore

White_Rose — Thu, 04 Oct 2018 01:15:33 GMT

Hello Nicholas

I am so sorry you are feeling that nothing will help you. As you know we have all experienced trauma in our respective pasts and want to hold out a hand to you.

What happened with your GF mother after your breakdown? Was she able to help you in any way? Sometimes what we want is to be heard and our thoughts, feelings, and pain to be validated. I hope you did get some relief.

We have talked much about you finding some help and I do urge you to do this. You have said you held back some parts of your story when talking to professional mental health people. I am presuming this is because it still feels so dreadful and I can understand you do not want to go though this again.

May I suggest you see your GP and ask for a referral to a psychiatrist. If you work in the afternoon and evening can you attend an appointment in the morning? Print out the posts you have written on this thread and give them to your GP who will understand which psychiatrist will be best suited to your needs. I think you will find some relief for the huge and horrible burden you are carrying.

Please try again. I know I am asking a great deal from you because you are so broken. I do relate to this because I have been so broken that dying seemed the best and only solution. I got through it with help from my daughters and medical people. It was very hard and I do know what I am suggesting to you. You are 24 years old and I think without help you will carry this burden for many years.

I am certain you are told constantly that things will get better and it does not happen. I think you are losing your faith in being helped. I don't want that to be the end of your story. I want to help you reach a place where you can smile and really know nothing of this was your fault. You have never deserved to be abused.

Please, please, please talk to your GP, show her your posts and any other writing you have, or perhaps just a small amount. The doctor will help you, make no mistake about that. If your GF mother knows about you can you ask her to support you? And perhaps tell your GF. If this is too much perhaps her mom can tell her. You do need someone who loves you by your side.

Thank you for updating us. I really hope you will continue posting here because we will most definitely support you.

Mary

I Don't Even Know Who I Am Anymore

_Once_Upon_A_Dime_ — Thu, 04 Oct 2018 12:43:35 GMT

After breaking down infront of my girl freinds mother and her, it resulted in me now having two options, Get a referal for a physcologist (Doctors Appointment Booked 5th Oct) and see a physcologist or forget about there daughter and move on, I got a huge lecture and I guess what this who post was about is how to approach it, I had the mental breakdown happen because of her father talking about Jimmy Barns almost being raped & because my partner went to her physcologist whith her mother and they where talking about it, just the word rape, rape scenes in movies and seeing post on facebook triggers me and brings back that exact moment of being asleep before the incident taking place. I have no confidence the only reason her parents found out was because I went inside and broke down in out room resulting in her coming in to find me in tears after crying in her arms for 10-15 mins she asked me if it was okay for her to tell her mum because she had simular expereinces,I knew I couldn't tell her so she did instead. The hardest thing for me is speaking about it in person, online's so much easier as I can do it annomysously and know at anytime I can stop replying and pretend no one knows, I can't see myself being strong enough to talk about it with a pyschlogist, I don't even have someone as a support person to make sure I don't run away when it comes down to it. My gf lives 275km away and I usually travel to her as she moved out of this area years back due to issue's and so the only people I trust who I know and will make sure I get it out aren't able to be there when it comes down too it. I'm that stressed I have a constant headache crashed my car, spewed up all arvo and haven't slept my heads so cloudy atm I can't even spell lol, I hope this makes sense but I need advice on how I can approach this, should I print this and hand it too my pyschlogist and then after they have a rough idea let them ask the questions?

I Don't Even Know Who I Am Anymore

White_Rose — Fri, 05 Oct 2018 08:18:10 GMT

Hello Nicholas

It's a great idea to copy and print as much of this thread as you wish. When you do see a psychologist it will help to break the ice by giving it to him/her. That way there will be some common understanding between you both. The psychologist will move the conversation forward.

May I ask how often you see your GF? I wonder if it is possible to see a psychologist where your GF lives as she will be able to give you the support you need. She will probably be more open to the idea as you say she went with her mother.

It is hard to speak about abuse in a face to face situation. It would probably take a few sessions to become sufficiently comfortable with the psychologist to start talking about it but once the gist has been read by the psych it becomes easier to talk.

I hope you are beginning to feel more positive with life. It really does get better but unfortunately not overnight. I wish.

Mary

I Don't Even Know Who I Am Anymore

Croix — Sat, 06 Oct 2018 14:00:45 GMT

Dear _Once_Upon_A_Dime_

Trying to tell a doctor, psych or similar is so hard, there is fear, embarrassment, physical reactions and shame, plus more. I had that over suicidal plus other matters, and clammed up and talked about the lesser things for ages.

You will not be surprised to know those visits did little to help. I guess without knowing what to treat then the treatment will not be the right one.

I can say once matters are in the open it does get easier -not perfect straight away but there is hope.

So I guess your biggest task now is to find a way to get started. I had my partner who took me to the surgery and waited for me there. I wrote things down beforehand and handed over a copy. I did not have to explain, just answer questions that clarified what I wrote.

When I cam out of the consult I was wringing wet and completely exhausted, and could not drive home or anything - the sight of my partner looked so good.

If it takes 500k to get someone with you it takes 500k - a small price. Please do not think the people that love you should be 'protected' or left in the dark. Love means you help at times even if upsetting, frightening and difficult.

So what do you think? Any thoughts on how to get things started?

Croix

I Don't Even Know Who I Am Anymore

_Once_Upon_A_Dime_ — Sun, 07 Oct 2018 09:25:37 GMT

Hey guy's quick update, So after a really crappy week I'm looking at is as a positive start, I saw my doctor on Friday and got a referral to see a Psychologist and medical cert until January.

Sadly me and my GF have split due to the added stress on her and me, I think it's because as I don't want my burden becoming her's.

I've looked at the negatives as positives and will be getting my mental health sorted, I have also set a goal of doing something I've wanted to for years, I wanna become a youth worker and Advocate for rape to help assist minors who find it difficult to speak up in similar situation's. I know I'm not the only one who's experienced this as some find it difficult to speak up.

Out society is filled with so many judgemental human beings but enough is enough, no ones alone, people care aka You's and Us, It's time we help others speak up 👌

I Don't Even Know Who I Am Anymore

Croix — Sun, 07 Oct 2018 10:45:33 GMT

Dear _Once_Upon_A_Dime_

I'm sorry about the break-up, it would have been a very hard and stressful time all around. Is there anyone local you can lean on at all?

Being an advocate for those who have had similar experiences is a very necessary thing, though the number of people that can actually do it is small. It takes the lived experience of course plus both empathy and resilience. A worthy aim

Of course you realize you are doing exactly that right this moment. Your example is being read by some who do not post themselves and I'm sure they are drawing encouragement from your openness and experiences.

Please let us know how you are getting on, we do care about you.

Croix

I Don't Even Know Who I Am Anymore

White_Rose — Sun, 07 Oct 2018 11:54:21 GMT

Hello Nicholas

I am so sorry that you and your GF have separated. It appeared you would have some support when you saw a psychologist.

Your attitude to therapy seems to have changed and you are determined to see the psychologist. Do you have an appointment? Please remember to take copies of your posts here to give to the psychologist which will make it easier to start the conversation.

Great idea to be an advocate. This is why people who post here feel understood as we have all been through the mental health washing machine. You are now taking the first step by looking for healing and as you know that can be hard.

Please keep us up to date. Best wishes for a successful first meeting with the psychologist.

Mary

I Don't Even Know Who I Am Anymore

_Once_Upon_A_Dime_ — Wed, 24 Oct 2018 17:31:44 GMT

Hey Guy's/Girl's just posting a quick update, So far I've been to two Pyschologist Appointments first one was to build a bond, Second one was more full on.

We skipped everything else and went straight to the rape, I explained what happen but didn't go into detail as my anxiety kicked in. I then changed subject, she wants to focus on it more with my next session, I have also heard back from a local senior constable who dealt with a assault in the past and she is gonna help with a investigation in relation to it.

Haven't heard from that girl and I guess it's probably time to clean out the photo frame and throw away this little key that say's I love you and move on.

It hurts knowing I was that easy to be forgotten, I hope she's doing well.

Makes it harder to sleep at night but eventually I'll meet the right one.

I Don't Even Know Who I Am Anymore

Idkme — Thu, 25 Oct 2018 00:48:42 GMT

Wow,

It's amazing to read about your experiences here, you are so brave to face this. It's so easy for people (like me) to see our own issues as complicated and serious but when I read your experience I feel so sorry for all the burden you've carried all these years.

I really hope you find a psychologist or psychiatrist that works for you, and if they don't then get a new one... having just had a bit of melt down lately I have to say that you are an inspiration with your commitment to following through on this.

I don't have much words of knowledge as I'm dealing with my own recalled experience, my trauma was a lot slower and over many years (13-17) where I was groomed to thinking it was all okay (or that I was "special"), it has finally occurred to me (somewhat decades later) that I was neglected by those who were meant to protect me. It has caused heaps of trust issues. I'm guessing there is some of that happening with you too...

I really do hope you get some assistance with dealing with this issue. You have amazing compassion for your gf (even if she's ex), there will be someone out there that will appreciate your honesty and determination, but learn to love yourself first, that way you can then pass on your love.

I am a little curious if you have had any more conversation with your father, I would be devastated and not know what to do if I found that out after thinking I had cared for my son... he probably needs to know it's not his fault either.... It was that HORRIBLE predators fault and I hope he gets what he deserves.

Anyway, just thought I'd pop in and let you know how amazing you sound.