topic Living with PTSD for 54 years in PTSD and trauma

Living with PTSD for 54 years

PamelaR — Mon, 08 Jan 2018 18:21:09 GMT

Hi all, Just wanted to share my experience. I had always felt my childhood was unhappy, but I could not understand why. When I was 12 I developed asthma and throughout my 20s and 30s I'd have these moments of unexplained 'anger outbursts'. I developed strategies to manage this anger because I hated it. I also found I was never comfortable with women friends and it was difficult trusting anyone. I drank to excess, picked men up for one night stands. Then I met my husband of 35 years. It turned my life around, I could finally trust someone and share a fulfilling life. I just believed my behaviour was normal for the loose 'sexual years' of the 60s and 70s. Then 7 years ago while travelling through a town I remembered I'd been there on a holiday when I was about 11 or 12. My mother and father dropped me off with some cousins of mum's for a week or so. I never remembered anything until 7 years ago, when we stopped for coffee. I said to the person behind the counter oh, I know xxxxxxxx and xxxxxx. The response was 'they're dead'. That was it. As we travelled out of the town I started getting 'pornographic images' (something that was totally unusual for me). I talked it over with my husband - saying how strange it was. Well, that was roller coaster for me. I can't imagine how I could have kept the sexual abuse (rape) locked away in my memory for so long. My health suffered, I went into major depression and anxiety. I could not believe what was happening to me. My whole world turned upside down. For months I cried my heart out with a psychologist until I could no longer function and had to cease work. The GP put me on antidepressants and I saw my psych almost daily for about 2 weeks. I finally went back to work after about 3 months and more recently retired. Since retirement - my PTSD has been triggered. I've worked for 50 years and kept on the move one way or the other. I now have to face life full on. There are neighbours who have volatile arguments - this has been my latest trigger. My psychologist has retired and I don't like my new one. Ugh.... I want to sleep, but it doesn't come at the right time - night time. I can go to sleep about 5am and wake at 11am. But that's not what i want...Wow, have I had a whinge or what. There are many more people out there who had it a lot worse. My life has been good considering. I only wish I could have remembered the trauma earlier. Though as some say, I probably couldn't have handled it.

Living with PTSD for 54 years

white knight — Tue, 09 Jan 2018 08:38:46 GMT

Hi Pamela,

I was riveted to the screen and so sad to read of your ordeal. I'm sorry, as an adult I'd like to represent all the responsible caring adults out there and apologise for what happened to you when you were a little girl.

I'm not fully familiar with PTSD but I think from a peer group members viewpoint some of the things that can help you are along the same lines. This entailed having radical ideas. It could be time for change.

So, to explain this further here are some threads that might help.

Use Google

Topic: be radical- beyondblue

Topic: the balance of your life- beyondblue

Topic: distraction and variety- beyondblue

Topic: worry worry worry- beyondblue

Topic: the best praise you'll ever get- beyondblue

Topic: the definition of abuse- beyondblue

Topic: 30 minutes can save your life- beyondblue

you can repost in those threads or repost here.

thankyou for sharing your story.

Tony WK

Living with PTSD for 54 years

Doolhof — Tue, 09 Jan 2018 09:31:56 GMT

Hi Pamela,

Welcome to the forum and the community here. The human mind is amazing regarding its capacity to shut memories away for so long only to allow them to be triggered decades later or forgotten completely. It must have been quite a shock for you to recall those vents from your childhood.

I'd like to encourage you to continue with your counselling. Do you have an opportunity to see someone different or can you tell this one what you would prefer to happen during your sessions? I had a psychologist I did not find helpful until one day I read out a list of issues I wanted help with and the things I did not find helpful in her sessions.

Regarding the neighbours arguing and triggering emotions with-in you, when that happens can you find a way to stop your thoughts from becoming upsetting and negative? Can you tell yourself something like "Oh. Those two are at it again like a couple of tom cats" or something of your choice to take the sting out.

There is a thread buried somewhere here on this forum about "SLEEP". People have posted helpful ideas on that during the past. Unlike Tony WK I am not good at directing people to other threads!

Would it help to set up a routine around bed time, have a hot shower, do some light stretches, read a book, listen to peaceful music and so on. It may take a while to get into a "normal" sleep mode again considering the hours you are now sleeping.

Do you have hobbies and interests that distract you and add positivity to your day? I like doing a variety of different crafts but find it difficult to get enthusiastic about them most days! I usually enjoy gardening as well.

There may be people worse off than you and me, that is true. It does help though to have your own issues validated, acknowledged, listened to and accepted as being real. Not so we can wallow in them, but so we can move through them!

Cheers to you from Dools

Living with PTSD for 54 years

PamelaR — Tue, 09 Jan 2018 11:04:48 GMT

Thank you Doolhof

I found your post very encouraging. Sleep - yoga, meditation, relaxation, medication..... Have tried them all over the years. Have come to the realisation that the 'normal hours of sleeping have been set by a regime that maintains sleep during these hours'. However, speaking to many people sleep is not necessarily naturally between the hours of 10pm-6am. LOL, I grew up playing board and card games with my siblings and parents (during the school holidays and weekends) until the wee hours. From about 12 y.o. i used to wait up for my father who worked nights and came home at 2/3am in the morning to use his asthmas inhaler. In hindsight it was to ensure I was SAFE.

Living with PTSD for 54 years

PamelaR — Tue, 09 Jan 2018 11:14:31 GMT

Thank you Tony! You've certainly thought about a response to my post. Google is something that I use all the time. To be honest, I don't actually worry. I have nothing to worry about. There are many distractions bn my life. After retiring, I've become engrossed with photography and spend my time in nature (and at times with people) taking photographs and editing them in lightroom and photoshop. I'm a member of a 2 groups that compliment my activities.I've set up regular contact with colleagues from my work and sought out my school mates. We are now meeting on a 2 monthly basis. So overall, I'm 'pretty good' and doing 'all the right' things. However, PTSD doesn't stop for anything. I was at the shops today and someone made this 'huge' banging sound. It left me triggered. All my lovely activities and mindfulness don't help when i'm triggered. That's what PTSD is all about.

Living with PTSD for 54 years

PamelaR — Tue, 09 Jan 2018 11:21:46 GMT

Routines - yes, I've had wonderful routines to sleep. Showers, that aren't too hot, not reading in bed (bed is for sleeping). I've tried them all. When I'm not sleepy, i'm not sleepy!! During my 20s I used to go to discos until the early hours of the morning. So, being 'nocturnal' is almost natural for me. Doesn't help when your partner is a 5-6am riser ( LOL - we've been together 35 years). In retirement though, he'd like to see me up and about earlier to 'do stuff'.

Living with PTSD for 54 years

PamelaR — Tue, 09 Jan 2018 14:14:24 GMT

Thank you White Knight. Your apology is receive with the love it was sent and your suggestions are greatly appreciated. I'm now familiar with PTSD - wish I wasn't, but life wasn't meant to be easy. My life has been good compared to some of the others I read about. As my counsellors say - I've been very lucky not to have ended up a drug addict, alcoholic, or worse. I put this down to not remembering!! Had I remembered I could not have coped. Symptoms of PTSD have been there for a long time, but, I have managed....hmmm.

Living with PTSD for 54 years

Doolhof — Tue, 09 Jan 2018 21:03:53 GMT

Hi Pamela,

It sounds like you are able to do so very much to help yourself, congratulations to you. As you also wrote, sleep does not have to be between the hours of 10 p.m. and 7.00 a.m. So long as you manage to get enough sleep that is the main thing.

I do know of some people who sleep better from about 4.00 a.m. to 1.00 p.m. Guess you just have to work it all out with the people who live with you. My husband would love to sleep those hours, only problem is Saturdays he starts work at 7.00 a.m.

Unfortunately all the strategies in the world may not help you when those overpowering emotions and feelings from PTSD hit you. Hopefully you have learned skills that will help you to recover quickly after the event.

You might like to share more of things that have benefited you with others so they too can learn what may help them.

Cheers from Doolhof

Living with PTSD for 54 years

bindi-QLD — Wed, 10 Jan 2018 08:07:54 GMT

Hi Pam,

I can relate, I think some of us with PTSD are pretty creative and talented at avoiding feeling our feelings. I think I have most of the techniques very well sorted, from dark humour, to minimising, drinking, creating chaos, and making life so demanding and distracting I cannot dwell. I think I do all of the things.

But sometimes life gets still, I feel very safe. And it starts with dreams with me. I always remember my dreams. I sometimes wake up crying or shaking. I don't exactly avoid memories or truth, I usually embrace that. But I think I avoid my feelings surrounding memories, trauma, sexual assault, child abuse, parental abandonment, and a lot more.

There was one time, last year, during a very major life crisis, I had too many sleepless nights, and then I had my first proper mental breakdown. I got triggered so much, I think something like `my filter' got broken, and all the major traumas in my life came flooding in. I was so distressed, for 3 days I couldn't talk or read, i thought I was fading and going to collapse. Random GP thought I'm a mental basket case, wants to section me and put me on bipolar drugs to make me look and feel even more crazy. But I had enough wits about me to see what he was doing. And my pharmacist was smart enough to question the prescription, he said it was off label not the sort of thing I should take.

I spent 2 weeks solid crying, because all my super ninja avoidant skills were just gone. I felt all of it, all of it at once. I think it happened, because I'd got too good at avoiding what needed attending to. And it built up that much. And I almost got put in a mental institution, by a bad Doctor who had no clue.

That really scared me, made me realize I have to not let it build up like that. I'm trying to feel again. In normal life, I feel other people and I feel animals. But I can't feel me.

Living with PTSD for 54 years

PamelaR — Wed, 10 Jan 2018 08:52:54 GMT

OMG Bindi, you are so right. Being creative about how to avoid feelings is one of my greatest achievements. Anything to avoid - moving house, moving states, travelling Australia, travelling overseas.... All those things keep you busy so you don't have to think or feel. Now that I've retired, it is interesting. Can't keep running. Can't keep travelling - can't afford it. Time to allow those feelings to happen. It's frightening I guess. I don't like the feelings, but more to the point, as a child feeling was not something good. Hiding my feelings kept me safe. But I'm no longer that little girl, I no longer have a mother to admonish me. I have the love of my husband and felines (and a broad network of friends). They help me through everything.

Living with PTSD for 54 years

topsy_ — Wed, 10 Jan 2018 09:23:13 GMT

Hi Bindi & Pamela

I can so relate to not wanting to feel. Everyone advises to get outside & go walking or gardening etc. But if I go walking I will feel the sun or the wind, feel puffed from lack of fitness, & will feel vulnerable & unsafe because I will be so “visible”.

So I don’t go outside anymore than I must. My body remembers & I don’t want to risk remembering more than I do already.

Take care both of you, Lyn.

Living with PTSD for 54 years

PamelaR — Wed, 10 Jan 2018 13:15:37 GMT

Hello Topsy

I know what you mean about feeling the wind and sun. I like to stay snug in bed on windy days and always keep in the shade when outside. I do venture out though. Walking is really good for my mental health - it helps clear away the cobwebs, revitalises me. I used to swim all the time too, but stopped that, probably when I first started remembering and the feelings became overwhelming. But walking I've maintained. I don't get that sense of 'visible' that you talk about when you go out. I love to get out and about.

I certainly know what you mean about the body remembering - it doesn't forget anything. To be kind to my body, soul and mind, I've done some body work e.g. rheki, acupuncture, massage, relaxation. Acupuncture and massage have been the best. Funny though, I haven't been for awhile. Maybe it's time for a session.

Living with PTSD for 54 years

PamelaR — Wed, 10 Jan 2018 13:26:38 GMT

I'm back again Topsy.

Something in your reply made me want to say more. You talk about the risk of remembering if you venture outside. I take this to mean the sun and wind on your skin makes you feel unsafe and vulnerable. Or is it the sense of feeling visible. Have you thought whether your puffed feeling could be an anxiety attack as opposed to lack of fitness?? Maybe a visit to the GP might help determine what's happening??

You take care too Lyn.

Living with PTSD for 54 years

bindi-QLD — Wed, 10 Jan 2018 19:57:12 GMT

Hi Topsy and Pam!

Lyn, were you a victim of sexual assault, is the kind of fear you have about being visible? Or is it something else, from being abused and hurt by your parent?

I feel I am in constant battle between what I really need in the present, and what the `traumatised' me needs. I'm trying to be more conscious about it, but I really struggle. `Traumatised me' is probably part little girl, part young adult. I think those were times I was most traumatized.

I struggle with outdoors and visibility too. Its weird, i love walking and riding my bike and used to love swimming, just like you Pam. I love the feeling of having a strong healthy body. But these past years, my partner and I have moved further out from city. Its a beautiful place to walk, birds everywhere, rainforest, its just stunning. But there are more open spaces, lots of places for a man to hide and grab me. And I've been grabbed off the street doing regular excercise twice in my life. Everyone says sexual assault is usually from people you know, but these were strangers, and I was just taking walk or a jog for fitness.

Now I get panic attacks to the point of almost fainting if I'm passing any man on the street, and there's noone else about. I feel most comfortable when men's eyes aren't on me, I think I keep a bit of weight on for that. And I hate the extra weight too, the way relatives and acquainences look down on me and reject me. And yet, the feeling of safety it gives me is the stronger feeling. Eyes off me, that how i feel safe. Maybe if noone notices. Maybe if I could build tunnels underground and creep about in darkness, that would by dream existence. Or maybe I just need to carry a sword. If only that were legal.

Living with PTSD for 54 years

bindi-QLD — Wed, 10 Jan 2018 20:03:07 GMT

Pam, I was wondering, too, how to feel safe when you are outdoors, do you live in a safe area, or do you just have more practice with being outside? I really want to overcome my problem, I think for too long I stopped trying.

Living with PTSD for 54 years

PamelaR — Wed, 10 Jan 2018 23:10:26 GMT

Bindi, my feeling safe outside is from childhood. I used to walk or cycle to school. I frequently rode my bicycle around our suburb exploring the neighbourhood. In those days there weren't many houses around, a few dirt tracks. Regularly walked 3km with friends to our local swimming pool on the weekend. More importantly when my parents were arguing I'd run down the street and sit and wait for the fight to be over. So outside has always been safer for me. In addition though, being hyper vigilant makes be very aware of my surroundings when I'm outside. I always carry my mobile phone (to be on the phone making a call if I see someone walking my way) and keys (to use as a weapon). The area I currently live is suburban with a park track around the back of the houses. Never far from calling for help. I frequently walk with my husband when there is light, early morning or just before sunset. Some strategies you might think about to start you getting back to the outside - take a friend, walk along lighted streets preferably with cars passing and homes close by or alternatively walk in shopping centre (join a walking group - google info for walking group in your area), never listen to music while walking. Start out small. Do little trips, build up your confidence. It's a bit like desensitising yourself to something your afraid of.

Living with PTSD for 54 years

bindi-QLD — Thu, 11 Jan 2018 00:45:46 GMT

Hi Pam,

Thank you, those are really good suggestions, I think I can understand your affinity with the outdoors, when you put it in context of your parents arguments. I can understand why `away from home' felt like a safe place.

I was a great explorer too as a kid, and travelled alone in Asia as a young adult. I was never afraid, perhaps I should have been though.

Where I live now is overall a good, safe suburb, but houses are sparse, perhaps semi rural would be the way I'd describe it. There's still lots of hidey spots for imaginery sexual predators to hide. I notice a lot of women walking alone with dogs, that makes sense, though I am not in a position to own one.

I wish I could carry pepper spray, but even that is illegal.

Living with PTSD for 54 years

PamelaR — Thu, 11 Jan 2018 07:08:37 GMT

Hi Bindi, It does make it difficult when you are afraid of imaginery sexual predators out there hiding. Ugh. The reality is there could be so I've been known to carry WD40 in my bag for emergencies, e.g. stuck doors in barns or houses (but in reality for protection)? Semi rural does make things tough.

You've indicated you travelled a lot as a young adult and perhaps not as wary as you could have been. Obviously something horrible happened. I see why it must be so difficult to go outside. Thank goodness that wasn't my experience as I love the outdoors. Wow Bindi, how awful is that for you? It must be hard for you.

Living with PTSD for 54 years

bindi-QLD — Thu, 11 Jan 2018 20:36:28 GMT

Hiya Pam,

Thank you:) Yeah I love the outdoors, I feel happiest in wildness spots and places where there is an abundance of life. I liked the throngs of people In Asia, and the innocent friendliness and good will of so many people. And the landscapes were spectacular. I love all kinds of critters and birds, that makes being in nature very fullfilling for me.

What I did a lot as an young adult was take off alone to bush walk, climb mountains, and sometimes camp alone too. I never had any problems , weirdly. If I met people, they took good care of me and some became long term freinds. The sexual assaults were unexpected. One was on a jogging path in my home town, that I had jogged for ten years since I was a kid. I couldn't believe it happened. The other was in broad daylight, in the botancial gardens near the uni was going to. Lots of people were around, I don't know what I could have done to avoid it. Both times, the worst part was being overpowered and feeling like my life was threatened. You never know what someone that predatory will do to you.

I think I may have some WD40, that I could keep in a pouch for emergency `barn door fixing'. It might help give me a little bit of confidence back. I know you're right, about taking baby steps. I'm am sick of waking early each day, seeing the beautiful colour in the sky as the sun rises, looking at the mist over the mountain, and aching to be `out there'. And just not feeling safe enough to do it.

Living with PTSD for 54 years

Emily___________ — Thu, 11 Jan 2018 21:03:26 GMT

Hi Bindi and Pamela (and others),

I responded to a different thread (I'm new to the forums), but reading your posts here made me feel like posting a reply here.

I love the outdoors too, and am a very active person (I'm in my late 20s).

I have similar thoughts or feelings of being unsafe, because of multiple occasions of assault/trauma, many of which occurred outdoors. I wear steel capped boots everywhere - that's one of my 'protective measures', and they're also required for my job, so I think that's a coping mechanism that makes me feel more safe.

I have realised recently that through the Xmas and New Year period, my first sober in 14 years, having just been diagnosed with PTSD, and starting new medication, that not having something to do with my time, or my day, is a huge problem.

I'm not very good at sitting still, sticking with one thing, and the idea of a 'normal, regular routine' actually really scares me.

But I've realised that because of my active physical lifestyle, both in my job and just generally (running, gymnastics, self defence and martial arts, parkour, netball etc etc), my brain is used to a certain amount of exercise. Chemically and psychologically. So now if I'm feeling dark, I can sometimes force myself to do some physical exercise, and that does help.

So if I have a day where nothing solid is planned, I always overbook myself so that I don't have to stop and think. I'm only just starting to take some time to sit still and focus on a task or mindfulness.

Sorry for the rant. It's really good to hear I'm not alone in what I'm experiencing.

I do feel scared, now that I'm not drinking (10 months sober now!) or doing any drugs other than those prescribed, and living in the same place for more than 6 months. I guess as my psychologist said in one of our early sessions, it's a journey, and it'll be a long journey.

I'm just used to 'fixing' things and moving on or running away from trauma, and to sit with it and truly try and work through it is actually the hardest thing I've ever done - which seems bizzare given the trauma I've been through.

Thank you all for sharing. I hope things get better.