topic Husbands porn addiction in PTSD and trauma

Husbands porn addiction

Empathic — Sun, 24 Sep 2017 23:11:46 GMT

Ok, so I first came here when I needed help with my husband's depression but here I am a couple of months later and I am so traumatised and messed up in the head I don't know what to do. I knew he was alcohol addicted, I knew he was depressed but I didn't know he was popping prescription medicines or that he has a porn addiction too.

During the course of talking to my husband and hammering him for answers I decided I would do the one thing I never imagined doing, I snooped. What I have discovered has left me in absolute ruins. In December last year over the course of 3 days he searched for and visited 52 kinky websites and signed up on 13 Kinky Dating sites. When confronted he of course denied it but I wasn't having any of it. To cut a very long story short I have discovered he is addicted to porn and has even watched it at home right under my nose. The nature of the porn has gotten worse and while I haven't actually viewed any of it judging by what he was searching for I can only imagine.

My heart is shattered, my head severely messed, I cannot eat, cannot sleep due to nightmares, I have invasive thoughts - things pop into my head at any time and I'm really struggling to deal with it all.

He has accepted he has a massive problem and wants to get whatever help he can. He is genuine in this and has begged me to stay and help him. The trouble is, who is going to help me? There seems to be so much out there for his addiction but all I can find is sites telling me how I'm feeling. I already know that! I need help to accept, move on and heal.

I am so lost. I don't know who I am anymore, I don't know who he is anymore, I'm broken, sad, depressed and have been having crazy irrational thoughts.

Is there any hope?

Husbands porn addiction

blondguy — Mon, 25 Sep 2017 08:56:36 GMT

Hello Empathic

Im very sorry that you are going through so much pain. I can actually feel your anguish in between the lines.

Your health is paramount here....not your husbands but as it is having a profound effect on your health a response is necessary about what you mentioned your husbands' addiction to porn. Its only my point of view but your husband really has a serious addiction happening here. (as you have already said)

Whether its a serious addiction as your husband has or any other addictive behavior the quickest and most effective path of help is from your GP. Your husband has had the strength to admit that he needs some help (like many others for the same addiction) and that is a huge step towards recovery.

Your GP will have the expertise to refer your husband and yourself to a psychologist that can help you both work through this difficult period. It will take determination time and patience. There is always a way out though.

Would your husband be okay to have you go with him on a visit? Excuse the question...Its just so we can help you more effectively

Just so you know I have had chronic anxiety followed by depression for 30 years....I am not a doctor but have learned a lot along this rocky road so I may be able to help others

Nearly 70 websites of porn and and increasing in intensity is not healthy in any shape or form

GP first...whether its your GP or his....a joint visit is crucial at this stage. Weekly visits will have a much better success than sporadic visits by far. I hope your husband is happy to have the frequent visits he really needs.

Please treat your health and yourself as a priority Empathic.....

There are many gentle people on the forums that can be here for you no worries at all 🙂

my kindest thoughts for you

Paul

Husbands porn addiction

Croix — Mon, 25 Sep 2017 12:44:23 GMT

Dear Empathic~

I'm very sorry to read your post here and the others in your other thread. I can't honestly find much to say that is positive.

Unfortunately things do not fall into nice neat boxes, alcohol spills over into pills and to the porn, all with depression that will be made worse as a result.

As this is the third time for the alcohol issue do you hold out any hope this time will be different? All three activities are addictive, each needing at least some specialization in treatment, plus a determination by your husband to succeed.

I don't think I'd be doing you any favors by pretending stopping these activities is anything other than a long very hard road with no guarantee of success.

I honestly think there are only two alternatives for you. To stay and manage as best you can, or go. I have no idea if you have the financial resources to go, or the mental toughness to stay. I believe, due to the addictions involved, and the very great amount of alcohol regularly consumed, a return to happier times is only a remote possibility.

Either way you are going to need to share the load. This is part medical support, to ensure you are not subject to depression or other illness brought on by the situation. Paul has been talking about this. Group, as in organizations designed to help those who have a spouse or other family member addicted to drink/drugs, and lastly personal support from family or friends to help share the load, talk and help.

This is separate from any treatment or counseling you may join to help your husband if you decide to stay.

Geoff, who you have talked with in your other thread is very experienced and may know of organizations, I only know of the division of Al-anon there to support families. Failing that try our 24/7 Help Line, number above.

Is there anyone you can rely on to help you. If you have to leave who will offer you somewhere to go, or if staying talk and care?

I think we would all very much like it if you came back and said what you thought about this

Croix

Husbands porn addiction

geoff — Mon, 25 Sep 2017 18:17:51 GMT

hello Empathic, it's nice to talk with you once again, but under very extreme circumstances, that have obviously rattled you once again, but perhaps even more, and it doesn't seem to stop, so that's a real concern, not only for us but definitely for you.
You're in a state of shock and I don't blame you one bit, not only was it difficult to handle his alcohol addiction but now you've found out about the pills and all these sex porn sites, which would make any social connections and people you know to be rather awkward.
His alcohol addiction may lead onto his sex addiction, but never the less it's happened, and you aren't too sure how long it's been going on for, and he won't tell you the truth, because any addiction will make people lie either to cover their tracks or pretend it's not that bad after all, contrary to this, it is serious.
You had had great replies from Paul and Croix, but it's not just one addiction, it's three, one alone is difficult enough to overcome, but three, well I'm unsure, although in myself I know it would be impossible, and I say this because he maybe able to curtail his drinking, but with a big question mark, the pill addiction, he could go doctor shopping, making up false names as he goes from one doctor to another, plus going to different chemists, and finally his sex addiction, then what's stopping him from not going to a mates house.
Counselling is something you really to do for yourself, for him he may say that he's going to stop and convince everybody that he has, but just be much more careful in covering his tracks.
I must say that counselling for yourself will take quiet awhile to take effect if you stay with him, OK deep down you may still love him, but this has been built up over the years being together, or you may care for him, but I don't believe staying with him is going to stop him with all these three addictions.
Here are some sites for you look at:
Alcohol and Drug Foundation 1300858584
Smart Recovery Australia smartrecovery@srau.org.au 02 9373 5100
ReachOut
For Sex Addiction www.thecabinmelbourne.com.au/addiction/sex‎(03) 8539 8053
Affirmotive Sex Addction Aus. 0419430534, it's an online counselling
The Oak Centre 0448 966 281.
My very best for you. Geoff.

Husbands porn addiction

Empathic — Mon, 25 Sep 2017 20:06:45 GMT

Thank you all so very much for your replies. At the moment my emotions are in full tilt and I am unable to decide on anything. I can be doing anything or be anywhere and I'll suddenly find tears running down my face. Pictures, words and objects trigger turmoil (I heard the word "image" on the radio yesterday and my heart started pounding with porn images flooding my head) i am a mess and he is a mess. He is adamant he wants help and will be the husband I deserve and the husband he always should have been. As for me I simply don't know if I will ever be able to look at him the same again. Right now I find him vile and disgusting - I do love him but will I ever be able to wonder just who or what he's thinking about?

Husbands porn addiction

Croix — Tue, 26 Sep 2017 08:30:56 GMT

Dear Empathic~

It's a very confusing and emotional time. The reaction comes in waves and makes any thoughts or plans just about impossible to decide - and is probably not the right time for decisions anyway.

May I suggest again that you get support so that in time you are able to cope and can make good decisions. Seeing your GP and talking about this, maybe going to counseling will help you reach a more even keel.

It is horrible lonely time for you when those things in your world you thought were solid turn out not to be.

We will be here to listen and talk

Croix

Husbands porn addiction

MrsElle — Tue, 26 Sep 2017 14:48:54 GMT

Hello,

I just signed up to this and this forum stood out to me as I too am going through this, reading everything youre saying breaks my heart as I know exactly how you feel right now. A year ago things were going downhill once I knew the extent of it all and I felt disgusted and ultimately betrayed by this man who supposedly loved me. Things have changed dramatically for the better but my heart and mind still hurt, triggers are everywhere for me and I just dont like how I am now. I get insecure jealous sad lonely suspicious so many emotions. I wish I could give you a hug as this is one of the most isolating situations to be in, I have only spoken to my husband about how I feel which has had me in tears almost every time. It really took time but my husband genuinely wanted to change after seeing how it has affected me and Im with you on that, theres always so much help for the one who caused the damage but who heals the one who got hurt? Im still trying to figure it all out, its extremely lonely trying to heal on my own so seeing this site makes me feel somewhat normal and related to alot of these topics. I truly hope you find peace and understand (this took me a long time) that it is not your fault. Somedays I struggle really badly and other days I can manage, and other days I dont think about it, when I do get caught up in it it is the most hurtful thing as my mind spirals into every little detail and relive it. Noone wants that and I know I need help. This is a start and by knowing though unfortunate, we can relate through this, i hope if you dont find someone to talk to, youre welcome to message me as I have been thru this as well and who knows maybe we can help each other heal, take care x

Husbands porn addiction

geoff — Tue, 26 Sep 2017 17:51:47 GMT

hello Empathic, we're not leaving you to suffer by yourself, those tears that just appear at any time or anywhere are so heartbreaking.
Your love for him is still there but you're totally confused, wondering whether your marriage will ever be the same and whether you could ever trust him in 5 years time, I wish we could answer this for you, and I wish we could be there with you, because deep down you are suffering so much more than how you tell us.
I still love my ex wife after the divorce, and by her doing this only means that she couldn't live with me anymore suffering from depression and self medicating using alcohol, I don't blame her, but we could never live together again, but we still keep in touch, so in other words, she had to do this so that she could move on in life.
Now she does what she wants to do , same as for myself and live for me is much better, even though I loved many stages of our marriage and what we did, but there was a line that had to be drawn, a decision had to be made, she couldn't keep living under the same roof as me, but I still love her. Geoff.

Husbands porn addiction

Empathic — Sun, 01 Oct 2017 21:08:37 GMT

Update.

After 6 days and 2 counselling sessions and I'm still very messed up. So much has come to light for both of us. For him childhood and teenage memories have flooded his head which has given many reasons for his "shutting down" emotionally. He has not had a drink in all that time and has opened up to me in ways he never haas before. While all this is necessary for his healing it has left me so overwhelmed and unable to sort out the mess in my head. He is doing his best, I can see that but I seem to be resisting no doubt through fear that this will just happen again. Our counsellor and hubby have told me over and over that none of this was me, that it was him who failed but that has done nothing to lessen the pain, fear, anguish, depression or zero self esteem. I am now paranoid about how I look, how I dress, I'm obsessing about my hair colour and body. I've even been told by the staff at the gym to slow down as I was pushing myself too hard.

No matter what, at the end of the day two things just stand out screaming in my head - alcohol replaced my friendship and support and porn replaced my intimacy and love. No matter what anyone says or why this has all happened, he made that choice to replace me. Can I move past that and heal? I just don't know.

Husbands porn addiction

MrsConfused — Wed, 27 Jun 2018 04:34:04 GMT

Hi,

I understand this was posted last year, but I have also recently discovered my husbands porn addiction. I am hurt, lost and not sure where to go to next. I am shattered that someone I have been with 17 years (married 10) could have been so dishonest with me all these years. The fact that he has lead a secret life throughout our whole relationship just distresses me. I now also hate myself for consistently spying on him and snooping through his phone. I have searched his laptop and even the tablet. I even put parent control blocks on our wifi! I just don't trust him! And i hate myself for that.
Last time we "discussed" this habit he broke down in tears and told me he has been watching porn at a very young age. He was at a friends place and the older brothers had it on. He has been watching or viewing porn ever since. It is the lies that hurt the most though. I am not a fan or porn as it is so degrading towards women in general and unrealistic, but the lies hurt. I found magazines but in the early days and he said he did look but would stop. And I believed him but now i think about it there has been many times throughout our relationship where the signs where there, but i would believe what he would tell me...i trusted him...but since finding hard evidence i can no longer trust him. I want to and I don't want to leave him. Knowing that this has been apart of his life from such a young age i honestly believe that he has a solid addiction. I want to help him, but am i just being naive? If a friend was in my position, i would probably tell them to leave as there is no respect. So why don't I want to leave?

Husbands porn addiction

quirkywords — Wed, 27 Jun 2018 05:33:18 GMT

Mrs confused

Welcome to the forums. Thanks for taking time to share your story.

I am sorry what you have discovered about your husband. You have probably read what empathic's posts and the other posts people replied to her.

It will be very confusing for you and maybe seeing a counsellor may help.

MrsConfused, you may like to start your own thread as people then can help you with your issues.

Quirky

Husbands porn addiction

spilman — Wed, 13 Feb 2019 05:59:29 GMT

I am so sorry to read what you are going through. I know how you are feeling as I have been gong through the same thing, the denials, the lies and the " I wont watch it again I promise". I have heard this for at least the last 3 years. It has ruined our marriage, the trust for me has gone. I hope that things for you are getting better. At the moment he hasnt looked at porno for 1 monthso we will see how it goes. The whole thing is I dont want to end the marriage as we have been married 52 years and that is a long time but if he does it again it will be the finish for me. Anyway I hope things have improved for you.

Husbands porn addiction

quirkywords — Wed, 13 Feb 2019 07:29:56 GMT

Welcome Spilman to the forum.

This is a very friend,y and supportive place.

Thanks for sharing your experience. I do hope things work out well for you.

As people have not posted on here for a while you may like to start your own thread as people will be able to help you with your own issues.

you are also welcome to keep posting here.

Quirky

Husbands porn addiction

Croix — Wed, 13 Feb 2019 11:53:57 GMT

Dear Spilman~

I'd like to join Quirky in welcoming oyu here, and echo her suggestion that you make your own thread, that way more people will see your posts and you will get more points of view and hopefully some idea of how others have handled the problem.

Trust is a surprisingly fragile thing, easily broken and immensely hard to rebuild, and unfortunately yours has been shattered.

I'm going to leave to one side for the moment the particular problem, porn, and would like to emphasize that any addiction is a monster that is very hard to quell. Along the way lies, evasion and broken promises are terribly common.

Sometimes the lies spread to other areas, finances being a common one, or driving when one should not. Other times they might be more confined to the problem itself.

With any addiction often the best way is outside specialist help, people that know the pitfalls, the weak points, the areas of temptation.

52 years of marriage, if on the whole it has been a happy one, is an awful lot to lose.

May I ask if your husband is seeking medical and group support?

A call to our 24/7 Help line on 1300 22 4636 can probably tell you what is available in your area.

For some a porn addiction is harder to admit than such things as alcohol or gambling, however I'd be hopeful with the appropriate help matters could improve.

As for your predicament, do you have anyone, family or friend perhaps to lean on? It can make things more bearable.

What do you think?

Croix

Husbands porn addiction

geoff — Wed, 13 Feb 2019 15:56:51 GMT

Hello Spilman, and a warm welcome to the site and thanks for joining the discussion.

To be married for 52 years is half a century but I feel for you and hope that it ceases because today is Valentines Day a special day for those who love each other.

A multitude of happy and sad times seem to outweigh one another at times and it would be sad to see you both separate, however, you have made a decision and it would be lovely to hear back from you.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

Husbands porn addiction

spilman — Fri, 15 Feb 2019 04:56:02 GMT

The decision to end the marriage has been a very hard decision to make. But I have been saying this to him for a while now hoping it would bring him to his senses, but in all honesty I dont think that I could throw away 52 years of marriage, even though he has broken me time and time again. He used to be my best friend, my confidant but at the moment that has all gone. The trust and respect that I had for him has completely gone. I tell him how I feel and how the porno makes me feel and I think that he thinks I am making it up. I have also asked him how he feels and why he did it and he juat says that it was there so he watched. He even does when I am in the same room or in another part of the house, which has made me angry, dirty and I want to hit him but I havent. I just wish that he would talk to me and explain things to me. We used to be very close, did everything together but now thing have changed so much with him I dont even know who he is at the moment. Thankyou so much for letting me vent my feelings as I havent told anyone about this and it has been going on for 4 years that I know of. Thankyou.

Husbands porn addiction

Peter-B — Fri, 15 Feb 2019 07:20:26 GMT

Hi all, I just want to offer some insights as a man addicted to porn.

The bad news is it had destroyed at least two maybe more of my relationships. And it is I believe harder than most people believe to quit. Porn is so easily accessible. And for many men they can be triggered just by seeing someone in the street or in a movie.

The good news is it can be beaten. The key is to make it hard to access the Internet. I go phone-free at night. Currently I am 70 days without porn.

It is important the man addicted is able to talk about with his partner and not be judged or despised. Support from partners, friends etc is so important. I mean for a second imagine an alcoholic who got no support from family and friends?

I am happy to help with advice if anyone wants it.

Husbands porn addiction

quirkywords — Fri, 15 Feb 2019 21:56:13 GMT

Spilman,

Thanks for your reply. I can understand how upset you would be after your long marriage and the changes you now see in your husband.

You mentioned your husband has not looked at porn for a month, so that is encouraging.

Croix has mentioned about whether your husband is getting any support and also mentioned the Beyond Blue as a possible support line for you.

Thanks

Quirky

Peter

Welcome to the forum.

Thanks for sharing your insights in your first post.

You make an important point about getting support from partners and friends.

Maybe because there is stigma attached to porn addiction that it can make it difficult for both the person who is addicted and the partner to talk about it without emotions being heightened.

I am pleased you have managed 70 days.

Thanks again for your honesty and offer to help.

Quirky

Husbands porn addiction

Croix — Sat, 16 Feb 2019 05:57:15 GMT

Dear Spilman~

I can understand how you feel, and it very difficult for you. Thinking he may be viewing porn while you are in the same room or nearby is a horrible and degrading thing.

I'm not minimizing the heart-ach you are going though. I'm suggesting that in some ways all addictions have similar characteristics.

As far as I know any addiction cure is not a smooth path, with wins and losses.

It may be a difficult time for your husband too, I don't know. All I can say is if you love someone and upset them deeply it hurts too.

I do think that after that length of time I'd doubt he is a completely different person in all respects to what you believed.

52 years with someone who is close, a best friend and a confident is in itself a wonderful thing and I'm not surprised you value it so highly that you consider breaking up would be very hard. Deciding what you are prepared to put up with is very hard too. It is easy to feel a lack of worth - quite undeserved but it happens.

Now - again -I'm going to leave aside the particular addition. Though I will say that the embarrassment and deeply personal feelings it raises may be unique - again I don't know. Talk becomes difficult with the emotions involved.

I do think any addiction changes both people's perceptions. The one not addicted feels anger, betrayal and wants with all their heart for the addicted to show love, consideration and climb out of the pit they have dug.

The addicted may feel powerless and shame. They may well realize the hurt they case. Sometimes they don't, perhaps because of familiarity with the subject matter over a long time

Frankly the most worrying thing I read is you saying "I think that he thinks I am making it up" when talking of the effect on you. Maybe a proper realization of the hurt might make a difference, and again a support group might be useful here. Porn can create a fantasy world that without guidance some might come to believe

Any addiction requires two factors, a genuine desire to quit, and specialist support in order for it to stand a reasonable chance of being successful. That's medical and peer support. Support from those around is important too

May I ask a question? If you husband had sustained an injury and as a result became addicted to pain meds, doctor hopping, buying on the illicit market, driving dangerously, emptying the bank account and so on do you think you would see him is a slightly different light?

Seeing him as someone needing help may be the key

Croix

Husbands porn addiction

spilman — Mon, 18 Feb 2019 00:59:34 GMT

Thankyou Peter B for your answer, but you see I have supported him through many ups and downs in our married life and at the moment I just feel that it is me that needs the help. At the moment it is 6 weeks since his last lot and in that time I have asked him to talk to me and explain why he keeps doing it. You see the reason I am so angry is that last year he went 10 months and then he watched it once again with me only a few metres away then he did it again exactly one month later, after promising me he wouldnt do it again. I have had these promises time and time again over the last 4 years so now I call them blah blah. I will keep doing that until he proves to me he will not watch it again. In the beginning I did believe him but after awhile to me it was all lies. I want to trust him but to me trust has to be earned, so does respect and consideration for his feelings. The respect and consideration for me and my feelings as far as he is concerned wasnt there when he betrayed my trust and that will take a long time. Anyway good luck and I hope you keep up the good work and start respecting yourself which is very important in your situation.