topic Guilt over miscarriage in PTSD and trauma

Guilt over miscarriage

Guest_922 — Sat, 23 Sep 2017 09:59:54 GMT

I had a late term miscarriage. 19 weeks and 5 days. Nothing was wrong with my baby. He was alive while I was in labour. I feel like my actions leading up to pre term labour were to blame. I was working and had a very big week. I became very ill and pushed through work. I am still ill 11 days later and they don't know what it is. whilst I had seen a doctor 4 days prior to giving birth, I didn't go back for several days, even though I knew I had become worse. I couldn't walk and was only able to crawl to shower and bathroom then back to bed. I should have called an ambulance, I should have gathered the strength to go to the hospital. I didn't and I knew I was really sick, even though my husband didn't think I was that bad. If I had maybe they would have been able to treat my illness before labour happened and my little boy wouldn't have died. I hate myself, I blame myself for his death. I have two other kids and that keeps me going but I hate myself. I feel like I died the day I gave birth to my boy and they just forgot to bury me with him. I am seeing a psychologist but they couldn't fit me in for 3 weeks. I just needed to get this off my chest without looking at my family and friends and trying to find the right answers, what they want to hear.

Guilt over miscarriage

SubduedBlues — Sat, 23 Sep 2017 12:34:12 GMT

Elaria, welcome to BB and it's good you have found the courage to post.

I feel for you. My ex had a mid-term miscarriage, and (at first) she too thought it was her fault. But it wasn't. The universe/life/god has a way of testing us; and sometimes it is an awful experience by which we are tested. I suspect that your husband will now be more attuned to health risks in the future; which may very well save the lives of those that you do have.

Not every child is destined to be born, no matter how much we want it to be so. Sometimes there are those, like ours, that only grow so much before they stop. There are billions of factors involved, from all across the world; the butterfly effect if you will. What is what my ex had eaten that day, or the passive smoking from the guy on the street? It could have been anything that caused the birth to not eventuate.

You are not the only person who thought the pain was nothing to worry about, your husband didn't either; no did your doctor 4 days earlier. I am truly sorry you have this pain. I suspect if you find a way to help your husband with his pain, he'll find a way to help you ease yours. That's what worked for us.

Guilt over miscarriage

Guest_1055 — Sat, 23 Sep 2017 13:31:57 GMT

Dear Elaria,

I am so sorry for your loss of your tiny baby boy. My heart goes out to you.

Shell xx

Shell

Guilt over miscarriage

Ellie05 — Sat, 23 Sep 2017 19:02:59 GMT

Hi Elaria,

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. You are clearly a very loving mother, hence your guilt for not having been able to save your unborn baby but unfortunately not everything is within our control. This is not something you could have predicted, especially given the doctor hadn't raised any alarms.

At the end of the day the thing your family and friends will be most concerned about right now is your wellbeing so don't be afraid to speak to them about this or reach out for support.

Guilt over miscarriage

Quercus — Fri, 29 Sep 2017 15:37:39 GMT

Hi Elaria,

It's been a little while since you posted. Just checking to see how you are holding up. I hope you feel able to keep talking.

I am sorry for the loss of your baby.

When my friend lost her baby she said all she could think was what if. What if I had done this. What if. We told her over and over it was not her fault. But she said to me that those words felt empty.

I just wanted you to know you are not alone in feeling this way. My friend was grieving like you and needed counselling and a lot of support and TLC.

Have you been in contact with SANDS at all? They will have information on support groups in your area. Please try to let your family and friends support you. They love you.

Even if the words feel empty right now... It is not your fault.

Gentle thoughts to you Elaria and your husband. Please take care and write if it helps you.

Nat

Guilt over miscarriage

Guest_922 — Mon, 02 Oct 2017 11:10:04 GMT

Hi Nat

thanks for your words. Your friend is right. Close friends and family say the same but it does feel empty to me. I just can’t believe them and feel overcrowded by people even when they are not there. The cogs still turn and I feel like I’m standing still, vacant, watching it all spin by me. People talk to me, I hear them but I don’t take any in. I frequently am left standing awkwardly when they are waiting for my reply to them and I just drifted off mid conversation. I have to return to work next week and I just want to resign. I am in a leadership position and just don’t think I can do my job they way I am now.

I messsaged Sands on FB a while back but never followed it up. Perhaps I should give them a call.

Guilt over miscarriage

Quercus — Mon, 02 Oct 2017 14:35:54 GMT

Hi Elaria,

I'm really glad you wrote back. This topic is very close to my heart.

Please reach out to SANDS Elaria.

They will be able to give you information on support groups in your area and have phone counselling for both Mums and Dads (my friend's hubby was really struggling about 6 months later he found the phone lines helpful).

The problem with late term miscarriage is most people don't understand. And noone talks about it. My friend spoke to me because she knew I'd had a traumatic birth experience where for a time I believed my baby was going to die. This was the only reason she asked me if she could talk to me about the birth. I didn't know to ask. I didn't even consider they would make her give birth. Because of this I think it is so important that you talk to someone who understands completely (because they lived it).

I understand the worry about work. I was stunned that she had to go back to work so soon. Not having the baby medically termed a stillbirth meant no access to maternity leave. And the lack of understanding often means people act like nothing has happened.

You need to put your health first. If you want to take leave or ask to change to a support role rather than management it is absolutely appropriate. Or like my friend you may find the distraction of work a help. Whatever feels right for you is the right thing.

Have you seen your GP? I do feel this is so important. Even to print and hand over your post and tell them you don't feel ok right now.

If you feel like it helps you please write back. I would like to hear how you are going.

Nat

Guilt over miscarriage

Guest_922 — Thu, 05 Oct 2017 12:00:21 GMT

Hi Nat

thank you so much for understanding the difficulties of late term miscarriage and how those of us who go through it feel displaced, like we don’t belong anywhere. I have begun writing articles about my experience from different lenses. Maybe one day I will publish them or just put them in a blog somewhere. I have found not many people who suffer from late term miscarriage and there are not many stories online about it and how it is often disregarded. It’s a shame because all I want to read at the moment is that I’m not alone and that there are others who have struggled like me. Still haven’t found the courage to call sands. I keep swallowing my grief. Dont think I could talk about it freely yet in person even though I want to. Psychologist is great but she expects me to break down so I’m comfortable in that space.

Thanks for responding to me.

Guilt over miscarriage

Quercus — Fri, 06 Oct 2017 00:46:18 GMT

Hi Elaria,

Thank you for writing back. I'm really glad to hear you're writing it all down. I find organising my thoughts and recording them really helpful too.

Have you considered joining Blue Voices in the future? There is an option to share your story if you decide this will help you. It will definately help others.

You aren't alone Elaria. There may be people here reading but unable to reply. You reaching out and having a conversation at all is a blessing.

Have you looked if SANDS have a forum? Talking can be difficult. Forming the words without crying. Or if you can get a family member to call and find out if there are any support groups you can attend. You don't have to talk. You can just listen and know you are with people who understand.

I'm really thankful you are here writing. And that you have a psychologist who understands.

Take care of yourself please. How are you going with the work situation?

Nat

Guilt over miscarriage

White_Rose — Fri, 06 Oct 2017 10:40:30 GMT

Dear Elaria

I am so very sorry you have been through this. My daughter lost her first baby, a boy, at 19 weeks and like you she did not get a birth or death certificate. This is hard because it seems the child never existed although he was certainly real to you and my daughter.

What was a little difficult for my daughter was that my daughter in law was also pregnant and her baby was due just before my daughter's baby was due. It is so very hard to understand why it happened. I hate it when someone says the child passed away for a reason. It trivialises the parents' grief at a time when they are most vulnerable.

I made a birth sampler for my grandson, just as I made one for all my grandchildren. Do you have something special for him? Did you have baby scans done? One day you can make them into a booklet. It's good to be able to hold something that is only about him.

Do not be afraid to mourn and cry. This is how we express our grief. I will never forget my son-in-law crying in the arms of my husband. This was their first baby via IVF and almost their last but they decided to try once more and now have a daughter. It doesn't make up for the loss but it does ease the pain a little.

You will ache to hold your baby and I wish I could say it will not last long, but that's not true. If you feel unable to return to work now can you take sick leave? Returning to work or staying home a bit longer is up to you and how you feel. Sometimes it helps to go to work and I am certain your colleagues will be supporting you. There is no time limit on grief.

Mary

Guilt over miscarriage

July — Fri, 06 Oct 2017 14:16:47 GMT

Hi Elaria,

I am so sorry for the loss of your litle boy, I to, have had miscarriages ...but all before 12 weeks. Please do not blame yourself, there is nothing you could have done to prevent it , life's cruel at times..why will never know .

But we will always in our hearts think and wonder about that little life, dreams and hopes we had for that baby....all the "what if's", why me ? was I not good enough? what did I do wrong?....these are all normal questions when we are faced with grief. There are no right or wrong answers for this heartbreaking situation and you need to take your time in allowing yourself to make peace with the loss of your baby, but also to honour his memory for his is... and will always be a part of your life , and that of your family.

I work in maternity in a major hospital , and at times we have to face this, to come in all excited at the thought of your new baby and to leave without that baby , no-one should ever have to face that ,but the reality is ...it happens.

No explanation could ever be enough to excuse the loss of a child, we need to travel that road and allow time to help heal...not to forget because that will never happen nor should we want to forget , that baby is wanted and loved from the minute of conception.

You are not alone ...unfortunately, so please take care of yourself, you have two other children that still need and love their mum, give yourself time, you deserve that .

All the best.

July

Guilt over miscarriage

Guest_922 — Sun, 08 Oct 2017 13:05:34 GMT

Thanks for your replies Nat, Mary and July. I find it hard to mourn as I’m always around my children or family and friends. They have kept me so busy with kids bday parties, and bbqs and grand final celebrations etc that I have just had to hold it back and swallow it down. I can’t mourn publicly and unfortunately some of my inlaws were insensitive that I wouldn’t want to mourn with them. I just want time to myself and unfortunately I’m a mum to two beautiful kids who don’t even let me toilet alone.

So I go back to work tomorrow and I’m scared. I have been diagnosed with PTSD by my psychologist. I suffer from flashbacks and have no real control over when or the triggers. It seems to be different triggers each time. It rattles me and leaves me vacant when I’m mid conversation, I can’t remeber what we were talking about or why I’m standing there etc then tears just flow. It depends on the movie that plays his bad my reaction is. I was very ill when my waters broke that I was close to sepsis. I had hallucinations for two days and they were frightening but the whole process of being sick and then giving birth had terrifiying moments that sometimes parts of it plays in my head. I didn’t even know that my son peadiatrician was there and unable to help me but was trying to support me. So this leads me back to work. I don’t want to work where I am anymore. It hurts too much. I priotised everything at work over my family and health and the health of my unborn child. Having to go back tomorrow is daunting. Frustrated emails from people I manage have already come through with Blame games to mistakes that happened in my absence and I just don’t give a shit but it’s my job to sort it out and make it all better between people again. I also have stressed people anxious about how they are travelling academically with the disruption of my absence and having replacements. It all is just so overwhelming that I have only finished preparations for tomorrow now and tomorrow is here.

my son has also had a big night and I’m worried he will have a bad day at school tomorrow as he has autism and lack of sleep disturbs his mood and makes him jumpy. I will probably get called to pick him up and then people will look down on me even more. I just want to be home close to my kids and not feel bad for choosing them over work.

Guilt over miscarriage

Quercus — Sun, 08 Oct 2017 13:48:36 GMT

Hi Elaria,

Is sitting down with hubby and making a plan about finances possible? Do you have any leave? Could you afford to take leave without pay? Could you afford a pay cut to take a non management position. So many questions none you have to answer ok. Just thoughts.

You really sound like you're the last priority at the moment (joy of being Mum hey) but that's not on. You're health is vital to your family. And you're not doing so good right now so you need to be a priority.

I have two littlies and the only way I get time to look after me is by asking for it. Please ask. I need time without the kids to speak to someone from SANDS. I need a plan for manging my stress at work and an out if I can't function right now. Sometimes I have to actually give hubby a list of what I need.

Don't feel guilty about making yourself a priority. You need time to care for yourself. I haven't experienced PTSD myself but there are a lot of people on here who will have ideas of how to help. Another one for your list... I need kid free time to find out about PTSD and management techniques. If I find any helpful threads I'll send you the address.

I hope tomorrow isn't as difficult as you fear. Please write if you need support or call the helplines at any time even if it is at work. You're not alone Elaria.

Guilt over miscarriage

Guest_922 — Mon, 09 Oct 2017 09:32:24 GMT

Hi Nat

today was really difficult. I found myself swallowing my emotions all day. The things that come out of people’s mouths were just so insensitive although I do think they were well meaning. I wore a mask all day and only took it off briefly at lunch. However by the end of the day it was all just too much when my manager said in front of the rest of staff well done your coping really well. I broke down in tears and said no I’m not, I’m hiding really well and I don’t want to be here. I repeated this several times and was then met with perhaps we could look at reducing your time for a bit etc. we would like to support you. so it may happen.

Guilt over miscarriage

Quercus — Mon, 09 Oct 2017 14:08:16 GMT

Hi Elaria,

Thanks for letting everyone know how today went. I think it's great that you told them how you're really feeling. Fingers crossed your manager can work out a different role or reduced hours for you. Does your workplace offer counselling for staff at all?

I like that you acknowledged that people were trying even if it felt insensitive. Like I mentioned before people hear late term miscarriage and most of the time have no experience of what that truly means.

If it helps you can always stop people though.. interrupt and say I'm sorry I'm just not ready to talk about this here but thank you. The word will soon get around.

Do you have to go in again tomorrow? Did they mention a meeting to sit down and plan a new roster for you at all? I hope so.

There are two other users I am aware of on the forums who share a similar experience to you. Would it be helpful for you to read their threads? I can send you the details if you want.

I hope tomorrow is even slightly easier for you Elaria. Always here if you want to talk.

❤ Nat

Guilt over miscarriage

Guest_922 — Mon, 09 Oct 2017 19:34:52 GMT

Hi nat

i would really love to read the other two users posts. I can’t take today off yet. They didn’t mention a meeting as I ran off. Perhaps they will touch base with me today.

Guilt over miscarriage

Quercus — Tue, 10 Oct 2017 02:34:57 GMT

Hi Elaria,

Good luck at work today. I really hope they can sit down and work out a roster that supports you. Don't forget to ask if they offer access to an employee assistance program (work paid counselling).

The threads are:

Forums / Suicidal thoughts and self-harm / Crying for nothing

This does talk about suicidal thoughts but there is a good reply by Dr Kim recently.

Forums / Long term support over the journey / Challenging unhelpful thoughts

Mrs D is a community champ too and has experienced miscarriages. This is a long thread so it might be more helpful to just say hello and have a chat.

I hope these help. If I can find more I will let you know. Please take care of yourself today.

❤ Nat

Guilt over miscarriage

Guest_922 — Tue, 10 Oct 2017 08:49:24 GMT

Hi Nat

i managed to get work to agree to giving me Wednesday’s off for now. I feel relieved, like I have a day to breathe. We also have an employee assistance program and I will call them tomorrow. I will still stay with my psychologist but she is in demand and next appointment isn’t for a few weeks so I will speak to EAP or even sands in the meantime. Thanks for taking the time to listen and respond to me. I don’t know if I would have been able to organise this without your suggestions. Thank you.

Guilt over miscarriage

Quercus — Tue, 10 Oct 2017 15:14:32 GMT

Hi Elaria,

Your post made me smile a lot. Mid week break and EAP support. That is great news.

Thank you for your kind words but the reality is you did this Elaria 😊. I just gave you a nudge in the right direction. Good on you.

I really hope to hear you do contact SANDS. It does seem like a big step but I really believe they have a lot to offer you.

Enjoy your day off tomorrow. Maybe you and hubby can have some time as a couple. He is grieving too... Have you had a proper chat lately? Why go through this alone when you can help eachother?

I hope tomorrow is a good day for you. I like talking to you by the way. You really are actively helping yourself it is a really positive thing to witness 😊

❤ Nat

Guilt over miscarriage

White_Rose — Wed, 11 Oct 2017 05:52:23 GMT

Hello Elaria

I dropped in to say I hope you are feeling better. Sounds like you have made some great steps. Have a good chat with your EAP people. They can be hugely helpful.

Sometimes removing the mask can be helpful as you discovered. Not that it's the most comfortable way but now they know you need more support and are offering help.

I've said this several times on BB because I think it's so true. A friend of mine lost her son through a workplace accident. A friend told her, "You will never forget, but the times between remembering will get longer". Also the rawness of your loss will heal even if it leaves a scar. You will get through this.

Mary