topic Continuing saga in PTSD and trauma

Continuing saga

Wraith — Wed, 08 Nov 2017 21:52:32 GMT

Its been a while since I last posted I thought I was over it but no the anger resentment , frustration ,self loathing ,are all still there just under the surface.

Yesterday I had to attend a view, organised by my legal team ,attended by a lawyer representing the other side ,and the company and their item that contributed to my injury. This goes back nearly six years ,and we get there and the item for view isnt close to what contributed to my injury, I walked towards it and wanted to smash it apart ,my lawyer told me 4 times not to do what I did ,my wife got in my face and told me I was stupid ,the smug representative and site manager smirked and smiled ,all the way home I copped an earfull ,and it just got worse at home. I have never wanted to hit someone more ,my angers out of control ,I get told there wont be a judgement till March or April next year. Since 2015 I havent had an income and have to live of my wifes wage ,before that I was getting the 75% of my pre injury wage ,after 130 weeks nothing from workcover , the only reason I am still here is because I would miss my wife and kids , it has got to the stage where I wonder if its worth it. My wife says I always show people a happy face and only she gets to see the real me. And then last night she said she thought we should seperate. Great. Another nail to add to my coffin, I really want to stay around and screw the 2 insurance companies but I dont know if I want to face it. Next week my Daughters getting engaged, the Monday after I go under the knife for my 19th surgery, 2 Drs have recently suggested an amputation . I have no money to give for the engagement, I'm scared about the upcoming surgery , and my good friend PAIN is still with me constantly. I really feel like I am self destructing, when I see something I want to step in ,not caring about myself. Sleep is not happening I lie in bed and feel the weight on my chest restricting breathing , sitting here ,typing this ,doesnt help either, like it used to .I have to go to centrelink and see if my disability pension has been approved ,bet it hasnt, and that just adds to my depression.

Isnt life wonderfull for those with a problem in their lives people dont care they look at you and nod but really think your milking it I even blew up at a little old guy who was pulling out of a disabled parking spot because he didnt have a label he pulled 1 out of the door pocket ,bet it wasnt his, I am just angry at everything and everyone.

Continuing saga

JessF — Thu, 09 Nov 2017 07:03:14 GMT

Hello Wraith, I can't imagine the frustration you're going through. The anger you're feeling is understandable. It sounds like you are being blocked at every turn, whether it's getting justice from what sounds like a work injury, to wanting to provide for your daughter and be a good husband.

Having no relief or outlet for that anger sees it coming out in places where it probably isn't helping. It sounds like it's taking a toll on your wife for example. I would say her thoughts about wanting to separate are about her own frustration at feeling she doesn't know what to do to help you in so much pain, both physical and mental.

You have so much going on, it's no wonder it also feels overwhelming. I haven't faced challenges of the magnititude you are, but I have faced some pretty tough and overhwelming times in my life where I have questioned my will to go on. I was able to eventually find a way forward by breaking things down into the smallest steps, focusing on what I could control and doing my best to let go of the things I couldn't. It's extremely difficult! But it sounds like you have a wonderful family around you who can help you through this, even though tensions are frayed at the moment.

Hopefully you will come back and post again, it sounds like you need an outlet at the moment.

Continuing saga

Croix — Thu, 09 Nov 2017 09:26:23 GMT

Dear Wraith~

I've read your old posts in 2015 and have the greatest sympathy for your plight. And I'm not really surprised anger is leaking out, I guess there has to be a reaction to all of this. All the things about lawyers and medical procedures, no point in me offering half-baked advice, I'm sure you have thought and rethought your way thought it all umpteen times.

Being disabled and in pain, well although I've some of that again I'm sure you will have worked out what is best. In passing I will mention a lady I knew. She had a leg that was crippled with childhood polio, it needed a built-up brace/shoe and blighted her life. At 70 she had it off and her life improved dramatically. She coped with a prosthesis and knew she made the right decision.

Now you mentioned the possibility of amputation so I talked of my friend as an example of things going a lot better than everyone anticipated. Yes it is just one example, my point being it can happen.

I hope the constant infections, mobility and pain can be dealt with one way or another.

One of the up-sides of anger is it can be used as fuel to do things, no doubt you have discovered that. Unfortunately it can also color your thoughs and feelings, and make life for those around you pretty ordinary too.

Do you think your wife is talking about separation because of living so long with the anger and a negative atmosphere? I was fortunate my anger only lasted a short while (PTSD) and my wife managed to live thought it. I would not have blamed her if she had left -though I was very glad later on she did not.

People can live together surprisingly happily which little or no money, and all sorts of other trials. It does take each to support the other and for each to feel loved.

Am I on the right track? This is not some sort of lecture, just odd thoughts. What do you think?

No, typing here will not help straight away, but it might offer something. Companionship and fellow travelers, a little understanding, maybe even the odd worthwhile suggestion.

On a completely different tack, may I ask if there is something you have found you can enjoy? When I was hospitalized and suicidal a return to reading helped.

Croix

Continuing saga

Croix — Thu, 09 Nov 2017 09:31:28 GMT

P.S. I have to admit feeling a bit sorry for that little old guy at the disabled parking spot you blew up ☹. I sometimes look OK and get hostile glances.
-C

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Mathy — Thu, 09 Nov 2017 13:55:41 GMT

Hi Wraith,

Sorry, I’n newish, so haven’t read your previous history.

I went through a 6+ year public liability claim over a disaster that gave me PTSD, lost me a long term relationship and my career. This event impacted 50 people, it was a bloody field day for the lawyers.

Best thing I ever did was find myself someone who was totally in my corner, and was beholden to no one else. That person was my psychiatrist. He understood the toll that legal issues can take on mental health - prepared me for the shenanigans that the legal profession get up to. Reinforced my sense of self, sympathised with how I was feeling, and most importantly, had the knowledge to help me with medication, deal with the anger, sorrow and pain.

I know you have a lawyer, so did I. I found myself mostly dumbfounded about how stupid the law was. I always felt that to the lawyer, it was a game. Because, they all indulge in point scoring, even yours - it’s like a gigantic game of chess to them. My psychiatrist was the person who constantly said it’s going to be difficult, it’s nothing to do with you, it’s the way the Law works.

I really feel for you, please, it’s a lot like being in a fight arena - find yourself somebody to be your corner man. My psychiatrist bulk billed, that helped enormously with the cost. I will admit that I totally changed my mind about psychiatrists as a result of my case. They wield a lot of power in the legal arena. To the point that they could have vetoed that charade you went through with your legal team.

I understand that you face further surgery, I hope it is successful for you. I wish I had something better to say in terms of support for your situation, because it sounds horrible, best cheers M 🙂

Continuing saga

Wraith — Fri, 10 Nov 2017 01:57:55 GMT

Thanks JessF,Croix,and Mathy

Just got back from Centrelink and as I thought ,weeks and months away from being able to claim a disability pension, no surprise really, it just makes me wonder how the system can be so abused when ,if you need it ,it takes so long. My wife voiced her pain the only way she could, in this situation its as hard on her as it is me, she lives and breathes for me like I do her, so the sympathy she has, has spread over time, as much as she wants to ,she cant take away the pain. Emotionally and figuratively it is mine to endure.

Continuing saga

Wraith — Fri, 10 Nov 2017 01:59:54 GMT

Croix having lived this long its true how far you can stretch a dollar, and having an outlet used to be my pc gaming but as I am now unable to sit for any length of time even thats gotten harder to manage and my meds dont help either. I was also told its my "violent"games that have made me so angry, funny I thought it was the pain

Continuing saga

Wraith — Fri, 10 Nov 2017 02:12:24 GMT

Mathy

I was referred to a psychiatrist years ago and the insurer in their wisdom wouldst come to the party so it became a 4 session counselor program of which I had to pay half. I do have an appointment coming up with a true psych ,but thats for my case .What I hate most about them is the first thing i get asked is "have you thought of suicide" then the whole thing circles that. What worries me are statements from my surgeon like,"I cant guarantee you wont get staph again" and "I wont know how bad it is until I open you up" thanks Doc. I can remember waking up in recovery and screaming so bad they had to give me morphine for the pain, and they removed the end board of the bed because i might break my toes because i was pushing down so hard. 19th surgery worries me just because WHEN do you not wake up from the anesthetic, 1 in 3 die from staph will I still be lucky this time

Continuing saga

Mathy — Fri, 10 Nov 2017 13:51:07 GMT

Dear Wraith,

It is without doubt that you are facing some horrible challenges, on all fronts, as is your wife. The pair of you must be very strong.

I ended up with my psychiatrist because I was suicidal, my GP referred me. He had no association with my lawyers, and to be honest, he’s not great at communicating with GPS either. Yes, he asked about suicide - what you have to understand is that it’s their job to ask that question. It’s there to benefit you, and give you an opportunity to speak about your feelings and what’s happening.

In my case, I originally started with a psychologist - that’s who wrote the court reports. My lawyers and the Court, didn’t know about the psychiatrist. He was the one who listened to my outrage/anger about the legal process and educated me about what was going on. He provided clarity and reassurance, helped me find the right way to manage my feelings without damaging myself. I was an angry, screaming mess when I saw this doctor - that was nearly 15 years ago, and I’ve only signed off from him in the last month.

All of what you’ve said above about how you’re feeling - you need someone to talk you through and support you - like I said, a “cornerman” - there for you, not the lawyers. If it’s about the money, mine bulk billed. So, my GP gave me a list of 4 names, and said “see if you can get an appointment with one of these”. I googled them to see what sort of work they did. I chose the guy who did work in a public hospital with HIV positive patients. I did this because social justice and inclusivity is important to me. He bulk billed me for 15 years. Your psychiatrist doesn’t have to be court appointed and “top of the tree”. He/she just needs to be good at their job and there for you.

I don’t know how anyone can say that “violent games” that you’ve obviously played for years, can make you angry. What CAN make you angry is pain, injustice and PTSD.

TLDR version: Get a psychiatrist - don’t tell the lawyers, do it for yourself, your wife and future happiness.

All the best, keep talking, cheers M 🙂

Continuing saga

Croix — Sat, 11 Nov 2017 12:55:57 GMT

Dear cWraith~

Mathy is spot on, there are two different things here - a legal process and getting well. You need someone in your corner for you, nothing to do with lawyers and courts, just to help you. And part of that help is getting you to the stage where you do not want your life to end, so suicidal thoughts do need to be discussed, though their cure is probably a by-product of getting you to feel better all round.

Violent games can be good, bad or indifferent. I think it is a red herring. Less anger and their appeal might wane anyway. Games, violent or otherwise, are a distraction with a built-in reward system, and can also be a retreat. That can sometimes be good - if it does not become a whole life.

TLDR version: Listen to Mathy 🙂

Continuing saga

Wraith — Tue, 06 Feb 2018 05:03:19 GMT

So for the last 5 years and eleven months I have struggled to recover from a workplace accident. 19 operations, blood tests beyond count, pain meds of all types and strengths, and throughout it all, my wife has stood beside me, supporting me,and enduring all the crap Ive put her through. Now in sight of the end (court case 2nd week of Feb) I dont know whether I can last. Anxiety attacks ,lack of sleep,severe depression,wanting to drink,and a feeling of loosing it,are all stifling me,Im becoming anti social,seperating from my family, distancing myself, because of my accident I lost all my friends, so THIS is my only recourse.Yeah I know I should see a shrink,and its been suggested before,here,but i dont want to bare my soul to some asshole who doesnt know me,and thinks he can help,all because he has a piece of paper that says so.You guys and gals are living with the same thing I am, I would rather listen to you.I can put up with alot of pain but lately its gotten so much worse, physical pain, not emotional, there is surveillance on my house from 1 of the insurance companies, center link hasn't approved my disability pension,and my wifes job is stressing her out to. I know whats caused my meltdown but I cant fix it,my MIL has come to stay with us while she recovers from a DVT, and she thinks her life isnt worth living, no one is worse off than her. She should spend a day in my shoes. And my sons moved over from SA, so we have a house full and no relief, no respite, life sucks, now all i need is another extension to the case and if that happens, well I just dont know where I will be.
Cheers people thanks for listening to me rant

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Croix — Tue, 06 Feb 2018 11:06:14 GMT

Dear Wraith~
I’m sorry the situation is as before and you are still in the midst of the grind. I can’t say I envy you the additional people in your house. Does your wife get on with her mum?

When you said before about the possibility of separation my heart sank. Now you have said your wife is there for you I’m pretty pleased, I know mine made a world of difference to me.

I would like to say something. Your sense of perspective has become off-target. It’s very understandable considering the way you are being treated however you mentioned:

but i dont want to bare my soul to some asshole who doesnt know me,and thinks he can help, all because he has a piece of paper.

It is quite true that many medical personal associated with legal proceedings do not have the victim’s best interests at heart. It’s also true that even in normal life some are less than desirable. One that I saw was struck off.

That being said I’ve found there are GPs and psychiatrists who are ethical, not at all self-important and competent. I have been helped a great deal by them, in fact I would not be here without their efforts. I’m sure I’m not the only one here in the forum who can say the same thing.

So please don’t cut off a possible avenue of relief based on what some do. 4 sessions with a councilor is just not in the same class.

At the start of November you said you were going in for more surgery, can I ask how it turned out?

Croix

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Wraith — Tue, 06 Feb 2018 21:44:10 GMT

Hey Croix

Thanks for the response mate.

My last surgery was a total waste of time. So from that surgery to now the pains increased, my mobility has worsened, I fall more, and I am in danger of loosing my licence (no sensation in the foot at all).

Now to add insult to injury my lawyer rang yesterday, 1 of the defendants wants an adjournment till JUNE, because they want an independant engineers report on THEIR own product. They own them ,they built them, dont they know what they are like. I am going to my GPs today, I cant breathe,it feels like there is an elephant on my chest, I'm anxious and aggressive, I dont like myself at this point, oh but the good thing according to my lawyer is every medical report is in my favor as is our engineering report on their product.

Continuing saga

Croix — Tue, 06 Feb 2018 22:41:09 GMT

Dear Wraith~

One of the hard things to accept it that the other side will not see you as a person with rights and needs, just as a business threat. It results in being treated in a soul-less manner.

That elephant on your chest is a good description, stress and panic attacks are horrible. When I've been less than kind to my partner in such circumstances I too have not liked myself, so I try to do something nice to make up for it. While the gesture might be small in comparison to the hurt caused I'm lucky in that my partner does recognize it and is pleased.

Good luck at the GP

Croix

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Wraith — Wed, 11 Apr 2018 22:16:14 GMT

So March 2018 has just passed , and that marks 6 years since my workplace accident. Even with everything going on I didnt think that alone would affect me as much as it has. I have now passed 19 surgeries and my specialist is looking at now doing external fixation or whats commonly referred to as a "Halo" device. Other specialists and the internet show alot of lovely complications when you use that type of apparatus on the lower leg. They have already given me Golden Staph once before and this just seems like another ready made way to get it again. I've also been advised that a staged amputation would occur if that happened. WOW. So easy to choose which way to go.

Thats not the only thing I am struggling with either, according to my Drs I will never work again even my GP says so , so imagine my surprise when I attended Centrelink for my assessment for a disability pension and the assessor focused on what the head of the clinic wrote (a person I have only spoken to in reception) about me working in a call centre, over and over again. I cant stand for more than 10 minutes or sit in 1 place longer than 20, hell writing this I've had to move 3 times, so I still wait for their decision 7 months so far.

I thought my relationship was pretty solid , but my anger and frustration are ruining that to , I can feel the violence inside me , the anger, the rage , not at myself but outwards directed at others. The psychiatrist I saw for my case has suggested I need help but my GP ignores it to the extent He told me I should look after myself. I pity the person that crosses me. They wont come out the other end in 1 piece. I know I need help I need something at this stage what eludes me. Sleep is a rarity and its worse now because I cant afford my MEDS, a roof and food for the 2 of us is more important , there are so many things going on in my life right now that I am not coping at all , nothing interests me anymore , TV is crap , Drinking or Drugs have zero appeal luckily.

I just dont know anymore.

Continuing saga

Croix — Thu, 12 Apr 2018 10:30:32 GMT

Dear Wraiht~

Welcome back, I'm sorry things have not improved. Trying to deal wiht Centerlink is really the pits. It is in their interest to deny as much as possible and take as long as the can in the process.

I hope you don't mind if I mention a couple of things - I'm sure I'm not telling you anything you have not thought of already. While naturally your focus is on your leg, the loss of abilities and the way you have been treated - all terrible, looking from the outside two things stand out.

The first is that your relationship with you wife is suffering due partly to circumstances and partly to the build up of anger you feel. When furious and frustrated, and probably frightened, it is extremely hard to see at the time the value of someone to love and be loved by. No doubt the pressure of others living with the pair of you does not help.

What do you think you can do to help the relationship?

The second thing is proper medical support. I know you have doctors assessing you for the court case and Centerlink. You doctor just saying 'look after yourself' simply is not good enough. Is it possible to see someone else specifically to look after your mental welfare?

I don't know if it is helpful or annoying to talk this way to you (probably the latter:) however I'm trying to look at what's most important in your life. My apologies if I'm on the wrong track

Croix

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Wraith — Fri, 13 Apr 2018 04:28:21 GMT

Hi Croix

Lack of sleep always in pain lessening function in the leg lack of ANY compassion from anyone in a position to help either my side or welfare . there is only 1 way , suck it up and be myself , not let anyone else in and ignore everything else. I am so sick of Drs and the experiments they try on me pathetic all of them .

Continuing saga

Croix — Fri, 13 Apr 2018 05:11:03 GMT

Dear Wraith~

I must admit I've been luckier than you. I've a degenerative spinal condition but the pain is mostly under control and my doctors are pretty reasonable. As I said pure luck. Plus I've had my MH conditions for a very long time so they and I have reached a 'truce'.

I guess all that only partly lets me understand where you are at, I'd probably sound much the same as you in the same circumstances.

The reason I tmentioned your relationship was not to intrude or anything, just I look at my own life and I've have two allies who have stood by me and even when they did not understand fully have always tried (and had to put up with an awful lot). So I worry you might push away something that got me thorough due to the anger and pain.

Anyway please know this place is here for you anytime. Even when solutions are not plentiful there a good will, and genuine care.

Croix

Continuing saga

Wraith — Thu, 14 Jun 2018 02:01:37 GMT

My psychiatrist and psychologist both say I'm suffering PTSD.Yesterday I went to court for what my Barrister said would be a day of arguments.What a load of BULL, my ex employer says I don't deserve anything from him at all as the case does not fall within the meaning or definition of the law. The bin company says it isn't their fault as they only use the bins, and I shouldn't have climbed on the bin even though it wasn't marked dangerous, and yet there is a warning on their own website about high winds while using the bin. I thought the law covered you while at work or to and from work. Obviously if you have the right Barrister that law goes out the door, we as employees should be able to go to work do what we are told to do and be covered against injury, if your told to do something and object what happens.YOU GET FIRED. If you go to work do what your told and get injured, YOU GET FIRED. As an employee your damned if you do and damned if you dont. I am unemployable now and yet I get nothing, I have to rely on my wife working to keep me in pain meds, food and housing. I'm a man thats my responsibility not hers, and good old centrelink has said MY osteoarthritis isnt bad enough for a disability pension, and the person that made that decision is a BOTANIST. Well last time I looked I wasnt a plant. Where is the support the compassion the humanity. While I sat in court yesterday before the Justice made his appearance I had to listen to my Barrister talk to the opposition barrister about the time they spent in Bali, and how when my solicitor rang him he was standing in the pool sipping his drink. What world do these people live in, we get injured they make the money, we suffer.My condition hasnt improved its getting worse, do the privileged care, NO, should they, I dont know, all I know is its getting darker and darker in my world and something is going to break, something will happen, what I dont know, havent an idea, but I know it has to, for the sake of us all, and our sanity , because I think I'm losing mine, or maybe I've already lost it and thats why I have to vent like this.

If you take the time to read this , thank you.

I had to get it out before I burst, it makes it a little easier .

Continuing saga

Croix — Mon, 18 Jun 2018 12:33:44 GMT

Dear Wraith~

It's been a few days since I checked up on you and things sound a right mess. The trouble is you are right in what yo say, nobody is interested in looking after you , just ducking for cover and the legal fraternity is no help. As you say a different world. I was lucky in comparison and my employer did not contest anything.

Needing to vent is not a sign of losing sanity, it is sign of too much pressure, I'm sure you know this. I wish there was something I could do other than just read the words.

It is very galling not to be a breadwinner any more. I know the feeling. You wife will of course be under a lot of pressure too, just as mine was. May I ask what she says about all this?

Croix