topic Finally found the reason. in PTSD and trauma

Finally found the reason.

Tripletail — Mon, 12 Jun 2017 14:02:16 GMT

I got brought up in a loving christian family.

So i got abused at 6/8 yrs of age by a neighbour.

My 4yrs older brother is abused by same neighbour.

My sister meanwhile is dieing of a blood disease.

She passes at age 14.

I'm 12 ,i was a lifesaving donor. And all it brings

My brother and his super control behaviour with my neice and nephew, iam not allowed with them fullstop without my brother being present

I'll leave out all the other things i have seen.

I'm 45 now. Just diagnosed ptsd with anxiety. Failed marriage and relationships like a drink, trying to numb it

Now wife i am with now is saying things, blurting them out that trigger so much pain. She has said the triggers since i met her .

I would ask if she could not say or talk like that as it just hurts..and now i just can't take it anymore, i just can't seem to cope with it.

They are setting my triggers and anxiety off..

I'm feeling the previous pain from as a child , now when she says those things.

I see the events from those words she says.

She herself shows every symptom of anxiety or previous pain.

Yet wont admit or disclose or even talk emotionally about it.

So my next marriage is nearly doomed.

Any ideas on helping me and her.

Without us both just running???

Finally found the reason.

white knight — Mon, 12 Jun 2017 15:50:22 GMT

Hi TT, welcome

Clearly sometkmes we all need a hand to sort our problems out.

I'd highly recommend a counselor. Maybe start with your GP or ring Relationships Australia.

Good luck

Tony WK

Finally found the reason.

Tripletail — Mon, 12 Jun 2017 17:33:05 GMT

Thanks white knight

I got diagnosed with ptsd due to csa with anxiety about 10 days ago..

Thus my questions..

Finally found the reason.

geoff — Mon, 12 Jun 2017 19:47:34 GMT

hello Tripletail, such painful memories that don't seem to go away and what your wife says only reminds you of the past, that's awful, plus your wife is in denial, won't accept what's going on which makes your situation very difficult.
I can understand your need to drink alcohol, but it does three things, sure it may numb your feelings, may upset your wife and thirdly it doesn't make the problem go away, because it's back there the next day, so the cycle continues.
You can't help your wife until she realises that she needs to get help herself, and even by trying to mention this to her will only make her dig her heels in even more, something has to happen to her which will wake her up, unfortunately you won't be able to do this.
Your drinking is a consequence of what is happening now, as well as from those memories, and it may be creating a problem between the two of you, which could be making her obstinate in how she feels, so there is a cycle going on here, one thing starts and then the other starts, which means nothing is being achieved.
First of all you need help to try and cope with your PSTD, it's not easy I know, but there could be some way your psychologist can help you with, especially by what your wife is saying to you and learning to ignore these comments.
Once this is done, ( and I hope it can )then your wife will be making these remarks to someone who doesn't react to them, because that's what's making her do this, it creates a reaction from you and then you have a drink.
Lets begin by doing this to start off with and hope it helps, and then we can move on stage 2. Geoff.

Finally found the reason.

Tripletail — Mon, 12 Jun 2017 23:36:06 GMT

Thanks geoff..

Yeah i think your right about why she does it..

The drinking yes..i have cut right back..if i only buy a six pack of light beer thats all i can drink each night.

Most of the things she says are sexual by nature, lots i do not need to hear. Almost all after she has been drinking. And almost always if i am drinking and/or not paying her attention. The rest of the time it's when she is jealous which is normally always.

It seems to be the same answer over getting her help.I can't force her yet i feel the relationship will be over if she can't stop..

It will take me a fair while to not react or not feel the pain from words and sentences like that

I mean i struggle with the adds for some new tv shows.. 7yr switch etc.

Thanks again

Finally found the reason.

Tripletail — Tue, 13 Jun 2017 01:59:16 GMT

I looked up "obstinate"

Googled it geoff..

What a suitable word

That suits my situation

Thanks for that geoff as clarity sometimes seems so hard to find..

Many thanks TT

Finally found the reason.

geoff — Tue, 13 Jun 2017 02:16:10 GMT

thanks, Tripletail, I'll get back to you tomorrow as I've been on since 2.30. am, but you make some interesting comments and please if I do happen to forget, make another comment so that I can remember, although I have written your avatar name done on my pad. Geoff.

Finally found the reason.

Guest_829 — Wed, 14 Jun 2017 17:14:07 GMT

hope your situation has cleared up a bit and things are making more sense to you.been reading your posts.you've had a lot to deal with.i cant handle things too loud,too in your face and too full on,so for the life of me i dont know how you've managed to get through most of it.you must be doing something right.hope things are better for you.

Finally found the reason.

geoff — Wed, 14 Jun 2017 17:43:49 GMT

hello Tripletail, as she has been drinking this is certainly going to make her make these nasty comments back to you, this isn't what you want and it annoys and really frustrates you, because there doesn't seem to be any piece and no escape.
It's not going to good for you if it continues, and it will be difficult, perhaps impossible to even believe that your PSTD could be overcome.
It shouldn't be considered as though the marriage 'might be doomed', but rather as though this isn't the way you want to live, because I can't see her stopping, especially when she is drinking, only adding ammunition to the fire. Geoff.

Finally found the reason.

QldMouse — Wed, 14 Jun 2017 21:45:23 GMT

Hi Tripletail,

I have a similar background, I feel for you mate. I have a couple more decades on you though.

I was diagnosed with PTSD in 2015 and have worked through it with a councilor. I went through several Councillors actually, unfortunately they are human also so persist until you find one that works for you.

I have/had a similar situation with my wife, yes they know where to dig those words in for maximum pain don't they? There must be a special class in high school they take girls off to for extra training.

But, persistence. After more that 25 years of marriage and more than 10 years stabbing each other with words we have been in counselling together now for almost 6 months and what a difference.

I know I'm pretty thick at relating to women but it seams even I can be trained, so clearly there is hope for us all.

It can be done. Hang in there and google "Persistence" and the images.

All the best.

Finally found the reason.

White_Rose — Wed, 14 Jun 2017 23:09:04 GMT

Hello Mouse

Excuse me Tripletail while I say hello to an old friend.

How lovely to hear from you again Mouse. So pleased things are going well for you and your wife. I was wondering how you were going the other day. Must be ESP. Still having couch time I see. That's really great.

After more that 25 years of marriage and more than 10 years stabbing each other with words we have been in counselling together now for almost 6 months and what a difference. That is so wonderful to hear.

So glad you are persisting.

Mary

Finally found the reason.

QldMouse — Thu, 15 Jun 2017 01:03:56 GMT

Apologies Tripletail, short diversion to chat with an old friend, and yes there is a lesson or two for you in here my friend ...

Hello White Rose, lovely to see your cute photo and read you kind words. Thank you.

Yes, that part of my life is going well and keeping me together. Persistence Tripletail, I've been where you are.

Since we spoke large parts of my life have fallen to bits, so my relationship is my strength now. I would not have believed that was possible a year ago. Tripletail, under a year ago we were starting to divorce, so hang in there.

Even to the point that I too am engaged in an ugly legal battle I did not want, words fail me. But it is what it is.

I've often wondered about how you were going, and this is the first day I've come back to the forum and first thread I've posted in so wow!! You sure are on the ball.

Be well both of you, and be kind to yourselves.

Finally found the reason.

Tripletail — Thu, 15 Jun 2017 07:27:50 GMT

Ohh thanks mouse,

And that pretty little flower, you are so wise

Thankyou..

Geoff I'm still going..

Couple really hard days have passed...

I am speaking with my mum, first time in 2 yrs .

She gets me starting to begin ptsding at times whilst we speak

Yet i just tell my thoughts to

SWIRL...just SWIRL off..

It brings a calm..control.

Yes i have been overloading an already overloaded brain and gut..with information..

My little flower, i have dived in head first..

Been pushed by currents to hit the bottom..

Now i know..watch for the swirl and you miss the bottom..you get to come up for a breath and dive again and again..

But mouse, as you say..

Thats just me..

If she wants to swirl with me , she'll decide..

Thanks a million times..

Love ya's

Mouse its almost like i know you...😎

Finally found the reason.

Tripletail — Thu, 15 Jun 2017 07:34:41 GMT

Mykl..

Thanks..

I'm lucky compared to some..

I spent a year or so living in a community attached to a northern australian town with a pub.

Those people have seen way more than me .

I just caught a glimpse on my way through..

Yeah i was there for a reason..but I'm lucky..

I can type a message like this today...

Thankyou for your kind words. ..

Finally found the reason.

Tripletail — Thu, 15 Jun 2017 08:18:31 GMT

Ha ha..mouse

Your a funny bugger..

I better swirl persistently then hadn't i....

Lots of swirling smiles...

Finally found the reason.

Tripletail — Thu, 15 Jun 2017 16:48:59 GMT

I've got the racing thoughts under control..

But I'm not drinking the alcohol i used to...to put me to sleep..

Anyone know how long the insomnia may last for??

Or do i just read and watch tv. ???

I suppose I'll sleep when i need to..???

Finally found the reason.

geoff — Thu, 15 Jun 2017 17:38:26 GMT

hello Tripletail, a couple of major issues have now come to the party, one is that you're not drinking as much and that's really good, but the other which maybe more significant in a positive or negative way, depends on how you want to handle it, is that you're talking with your mum after 2 years.
This could be good for you but you mustn't let her provoke any PSTD, that has to stop,and if it doesn't then you won't be able to move forward, so all of this is why your insomnia is still bugging you, but you have to remember that by thinking about any of this at night time, nothing can happen, everyone else is asleep, so tell yourself you'll deal with it tomorrow or perhaps try and let it pass. Geoff.

Finally found the reason.

Tripletail — Fri, 16 Jun 2017 01:20:11 GMT

Morning..

Compared to before i have the anxiety and ptsd thoughts way down.

I have to use the from the outside looking down and cognitive swirl less and less .

Yeah good old mum, i was taking a few deep breaths and thinking swirl to stop the anger whilst talking

Her memory is like a strainer with age, so this does not help..

There is one issue i now know..parilla

And that is wanting me to go to new zealand and use the R of swirl for my brothers sake onto the escapee...

Yet I'm useing the cognitive strength to avoid buying a plane ticket

I actually slept well, when i finally did..

So i guess i just have to be easy on myself..

And poor old wifey..

She's working away at the moment to not go bankrupt .. so in 3 weeks or so if I'm still swirling...

She may or may not be what i need..

And the confusion of whether I'm ptsding that thought or actually really not sure if she is the one.

So a fair way to go.

At least i have clarity and I'm in control.

Finally found the reason.

Tripletail — Fri, 16 Jun 2017 10:58:57 GMT

Open misere....

Yes my little flower i respect so much...

Geoff you are my trusted..

Mouse....i know you....

I think i need to marroon the persecutor....

And be honest to the triggers...

So its lose every trick to win one. .

Win my own self worth, win control, win the blame , win the fear, win the abuse, win my sanity over what everything else , what everything else tells me its not worth living

Yeah..crunch time .

If she can't look at herself i will tell her

If my abuser can't look at himself I'll tell him...

I am looking at myself...

I am no saint...

Yet i am admitting my wrongs..

I am fixing me...

I have done 36 odd years of taking the blame...

About time i said....

Swirl .

Lets go to court..

And if your fearful of that..

Prepare for your island

You sicko ..

My life is just that

Affected by you ..

Sicko.. .

Time to end that type of life.

Finally found the reason.

Tripletail — Sat, 17 Jun 2017 22:29:18 GMT

Morning...

Beautiful day here..

The Birds are singing away..

I'm off to church this morning, it will be the first time for at least 20yrs...

I've been reading a book, called "you can heal your life"

Wifey, spoke to her on sat phone last night and will again tonight..

I'm going to let her go..I can't force her to get help, i can't steer her ship, only she can..

So have a wonderful day everyone .

Lots of love