topic First step (trigger warning: sexual assault) in PTSD and trauma

First step (trigger warning: sexual assault)

New_Moon — Sat, 01 Apr 2017 02:10:32 GMT

Hello.. I've visited this site several times over the past few years, wanting to join, wanting to feel the relief of connection that shared suffering can bring, longing for an anonymous voice that could blurt out all my woes and worries to an anonymous ear. But each time I stopped myself. Compared to some of the posts I read, my situation and my feelings seemed so normal. I was just being a wimp or a drama queen, and my depression would surely wane as it always has in the past. I can cope. I will self-help myself out of this limbo life somehow.

This morning, as I lay in bed crying again and knowing that I would probably spend another lost day not doing anything, not seeing anyone and not moving far from my bed and laptop, I at last realized that I'm not coping and that maybe it's time to seek help from others.

It's been over three months since I've had energy to do anything. I've just scored 'High"on the Q10, and been advised to see my GP. I don't have one, and even if I did, the motivation to get to them just isn't there. I used to do regular gardening and send myself to sleep with hypnotherapy recordings every night, now I just lay in bed, addicted to the cyberspace screen and staying cocooned from the real world. I do volunteer work one day a week. It's the only day I venture out and pretend to be OK. It's a real effort. I feel as though I am waiting to die, and some days I am really impatient for him to arrive and take me.

There are of course life experiences that have led me to this state, but my stories are not unique. My prolonged inability to steer my thoughts and body into healthier directions is what worries me. I'm not used to asking for help, but if someone can reassure me that 'this too shall pass' I'd be really grateful.

First step (trigger warning: sexual assault)

The_Abyss — Sat, 01 Apr 2017 02:42:55 GMT

Welcome New Moon, and congratulations on making that first step to reach out.

I have only been with this site a few days, but I have already found immense support, caring and knowledge here. I have had others offer support through my post, but I have also found immense support through reading other stories and struggles. Your stories may not be unique, but they are what are currently impacting on you and preventing you from moving forward. You would be amazed at how liberating it is to share those stories, or to let people in just a crack.

One of the support numbers given to me is the "suicide callback service" number 1300659467 . Their website is also well worth checking out: https://www.suicidecallbackservice.org.au/

It's easy to let the misery overwhelm you. You may have knowledge of all the strategies in the world, but when you are feeling this low, it's just too hard to access them. Reading about the way others have survived and the techniques they have used help, but ultimately you just need to be heard. Be assured you have been "heard" here, but do yourself a favour and also call one of the helplines.

You have taken the first step, and that is huge. Baby steps from here.

First step (trigger warning: sexual assault)

New_Moon — Sat, 01 Apr 2017 08:09:34 GMT

Thanks for your welcome. I did think of calling the helpline this morning, but the idea of talking and trying to make sense to someone seems too hard right now. Having second thoughts even about posting. There's always a voice in my head accusing me of self-pity...is that common?

I've spent all day reading through others'posts. Lots of inspiration at the sheer bravery of some people to live through/with some of their traumas.

I realize that I'm supposed to share my story too, but I'm just not sure where to begin. In my early twenties I was beaten and raped by my husband. During the assault, I suddenly became totally numb. I was still fully conscious, yet I felt nothing. No physical sensation at all. I laid there and calmly watched him as he continued to hit and punch me. The next day I took our one year old daughter and flew home to the city where my family lived. My mother was shocked at the facial injuries and bruises, but my father, a good catholic, told me that "you've made your bed, now you have to lie in it".

I did return to my husband for a short time, but soon after moved back to the city and away from him for good. I felt nothing towards him. No anger, no love, nothing. I was more preoccupied with the strange experience of disassociation I had undergone during the attack, rather than the attack itself.

I relate this episode because, five years ago the sudden death of my beloved partner sent me into a long lasting and deep depression, where so many old, unexpressed and painful feelings were hiding. I had never felt so utterly alone and abandoned before, and my grieving seemed, still seems to be more about my father than my partner. I thought I had waded though all the gunk of grief and anger and was doing really well for a year or so, but then, ever since December I've been struggling in a whole new kind of lethargic swamp. I've always been independent, strong and capable, always the supportive one, the responsible one. Now it's a constant daily struggle to do even the most basic daily chores and tasks.

Compound this with an adult child with addiction issues, my own geographical/social isolation and financial hardship and you may get some idea of where I am mentally.

I did try to kill myself once in my late teens, but it resulted in a five day long coma and another (very unpleasant) altered state of consciousness. I may have death wishes, but I don't think I'm a suicide risk, so please don't worry.

Wellness and thanks for being here.

First step (trigger warning: sexual assault)

pawsy — Sat, 01 Apr 2017 08:35:24 GMT

Hi New Moon and welcome.

Oh, you do sound sad and worried. I’m glad you have posted because for sure folks in here will listen to you, and understand, and offer help. It doesn't sound to me as though you are being a drama queen at all. It sounds as though you have not got support to find your way into a connected and meaningful world. And if there is no support, and you are depressed. That is a really hard situation.

I can relate to a lot of what you write. I also recently decided that lying in bed with my lap top feeling worthless, hopeless and sad, is too hard to sustain. I posted in here and one kind person suggested I make an appointment with a GP and take along the first post i wrote, to help explain my situation. I did. The GP was good. She listened, prescribed some medication, and referred me to a psychologist. I have now had two sessions with the psych.
I really like his approach. I am not at all sure how I am going to untangle myself from the isolated situation I have gotten into … But I feel a thousand times more hopeful than i did six weeks ago. Just sharing my feelings has been a massive relief. So ... I guess I am not quite in a position to say to you, ‘this too will pass’ ... ‘cause i am still in the midst. BUT i strongly believe that it may. And I would be happy in the meantime to trade woes and worries with you as we bumble along.

Hope you will post again, and share more of your situation.

best wishes from Pawsy

First step (trigger warning: sexual assault)

New_Moon — Sat, 01 Apr 2017 21:22:27 GMT

Thanks Pawsy. I've had two very kind responses to my initial post and both have set me off into a torrent of tears. Not sure if I cry from relief that someone cares and understands, or that I'm using the validation that your understanding offers me to indulge even more in self pity. Probably both.

Great suggestion to take my post to a GP. Might try that, but I am not liking the sound of taking meds and am not sure how far I'd have to travel to see a good psychologist. There's a part of me which rebels at the idea of seeking outside help,

In the past I've always treated my depressions as a natural sign of healing, or as some necessary psychological cleansing and change trying to happen. I've always managed to find some positive shift come out of them, but this time I feel really stuck. Guess I hoped that talking to you guys would set the ball rolling, and maybe that's what my crying is about when I read your responses. Maybe the emotional ball is starting to move. So thanks for being my virtual friends/ psychic bowlers.

Wellness and gratitude.

First step (trigger warning: sexual assault)

Lake_meadows — Sun, 02 Apr 2017 01:56:01 GMT

New moon welcome. I had never been on here before either . But let me tell you last place Id thought I would be. Yes we all have a tale yes there is somebody worse off but what you feel is real . If you have scored high on the q10 see your gp or like i dod blagged it 24hrs later i was icu for 4 days.

I know it is the worst feeling but there is no shame in getting help. At 51 told I had bpd im out of the family home living alone in a caravan. Ha romantict notion some may think well not no pets or wife to talk to cyber space wont make things any clearer its like anything else turn it off and you where?

Iam fighting every day to just not do anything silly to het help and be better. I hate where Im living and hate being without my wife az well as comig to terms with bpd. But at least now I know what im up against. I know its not eas but see your gp mean time call bb or life line talk to somrbody please. Hang in there.

First step (trigger warning: sexual assault)

Croix — Sun, 02 Apr 2017 02:39:02 GMT

Dear New Moon~

As you can see from the people that have replied to you already your situation strikes a chord, there have been many, me included, for whom depression has been a deep pit that one cannot get out of alone. The operative word here is alone.

Trying to soldier on alone, retreating and thinking all the unhelpful damaging thoughts is a symptom of the illness. I blamed myself, thought I was a burden and useless, overwhelmed, no motivation - doubt. All was my depression thinking for me.

You have already taken the first step towards a better life by posting here - and the second by interacting here (Dottie & Abyss). Physically they are easy - though a vital thing to do, just hard mentally to get started.

The next step is hard both physically and mentally. Going to see a GP. It is something you can do, just seems overwhelming before you start.

May I suggest when you go you book a long consultation. Also for me at least, writing everything down first and sharing the paper made it possible - I did not think I'd be capable of setting everything out in the doctor's room unprompted. At a pinch you could use this page printed out as Pawsy suggests (a great cute picture:)

Everything includes the past, present, what's happening to you, how you feel. It includes the frightening and the embarrassing, they can be important.

Ask to be tested for depression and anxiety and see what happens. Also talk about practical difficulties such as ability to travel to particular professionals.

Thinks will improve. I see no trace of self-pity, just the struggle to be well. Being told you had a broken leg would just be a fact, same with depression. Both come with limitations and modified behavior. Doubt of self is one - crying is another (me included).

While you say you get out to volunteer you don't say that much else about your circumstances - do you have family, do you live alone? Is there anyone you can talk to who might understand and support you? I found such help was a real boon

Please talk again, there are lots who understand and care

Croix

First step (trigger warning: sexual assault)

New_Moon — Sun, 02 Apr 2017 04:41:11 GMT

Thanks to you all - to Abyss, pawsy, Lake meadows and Croix...feeling a bit nagged about the GP visit but figure that the same part of me that bought me to BB, must also want me to take the advice that you all offer. I'll see about making an appointment tomorrow. Promise.

In brief, my particular scenario for depression seems to have a common underlying theme of feeling unsupported during my times of need. It's funny, but I used to be a 'Support Teacher Learning Difficulties', and have always played the strong, capable role in relationships. Anyway there has been a suicide attempt in the past, been raped and beaten, and now have an adult child with addiction issues. Have financial problems of course, but who doesn't. Am recovering from the death of my partner 5 years ago, and as he was the only person I had ever known who Ioved me without needing me in any way...well the loss was hard to adjust to but I thought I doing OK. I live alone, a long way from family, and have few friends. The friends I do have are younger and are struggling with their own issues, so I listen to and support them as much as I can.

I'm an independent, proud and stubborn idiot really. Time I learnt to ask for help. And even maybe get some.

Can't believe the incredible generosity of time, spirit and wisdom you people dole out on strangers like me! It's really effective - Virtual group therapy.

Wellness and Gratitude

First step (trigger warning: sexual assault)

Croix — Sun, 02 Apr 2017 11:23:39 GMT

Dear New Moon~

Thank you for your thanks, not everyone takes the trouble, so it's appreciated.

I guess I should feel guilty about nagging, but I don't. Instead I feel pleased it struck a chord. I meant it when I said I could not have done it by myself, and that included my going to the doctor - my wife nagged me into it:) I'm awfully glad she did.

I'm pretty good now, so "this to shall pass". It did for me and I was a total suicidal mess with PTSD, depression and anxiety. Now I cope, live a mostly normal life with activity, energy, interests, accomplishment, loved and loving.

Being in need and by yourself -no support - is a terrible thing. You have people here. Not a physical presence true , but experience, care, understanding nevertheless.

I've been very surprised, both in "real life" and on the Forum how some who are young can give wisdom and support whilst needing and receiving it themselves - if given an opening.

Independence, stubbornness and pride are all needed -and no you are not an idiot, you are a human in difficulties. The strength you have shown others is not a sham, it is part of you.

I hope you post again and say how you went. If you falter think of all of us having had the same experience.

Croix

First step (trigger warning: sexual assault)

pawsy — Sun, 02 Apr 2017 21:37:32 GMT

Hi New Moon (love your name btw, a kind of hope lives inside it)

You may be proud and stubborn, but you also sound wise and compassionate. And that is a whole lot of living you have done and endured (and are still doing, no doubt). I too struggle with 'support'. I hate to imagine myself a burden and I dont want to be too tangled up in other people's lives, since I need lots of alone-time to feel sane and peaceful. So I stubbornly persist in doing things myself, to the point where I have become very isolated. So .. for me too, the question is: how to have help, how to have support?

I wont nag, but I guess we all say: 'see the GP', because we have found relief from our debilitation by doing so. Help is out there. Forreals. That said, I think there is much comfort and learning to be had right here on the forum. If youre happy to keep sharing, we will keep sharing with you!

It's Monday morning. I have easter buns and coffee, and i'm wishing you well for the week ahead.

best wishes from pawsy

First step (trigger warning: sexual assault)

Starwolf — Mon, 03 Apr 2017 02:26:26 GMT

Good to meet you New Moon,

You have been through traumatic situations. It has taken a toll on your mental/emotional well being. It always does, whether we acknowledge it or not. Your distress leaps at me through the screen. There comes a time when it all becomes too overwhelming to be ignored, to continue hoping it will eventually go away. The sad reality is that it won't.

I know. I am familiar with abuse allsorts, being sole carer for a difficult child, PTSD, dissociation, depression, anxiety, isolation, despair etc...I also am "the strong, independent one" everyone else tends to lean on. The truth is I was also crumbling down deep inside. I too had to put an end to inner destruction and begin the daunting task of salvage and reconstruction .

I too have had to learn that reaching out, accepting help was not a sign of weakness but a show of courage. That working as a team with someone else is not dependence but being proactive.

The mind is a complicated maze at the best of time. Besides, trauma and our response to it sends brain mechanism out of whack. The mind depends on brain function. That's when it all becomes too complex to struggle alone. We keep taking wrong turns, bump against dead ends and wander around endlessly, exhausting ourselves without ever finding a way out. We are trapped.

This is why a professional guide is needed to help us through the maze.

We are not here to tell you what to do. Only to reveal options that have worked for us, share what we know and how we came to that knowledge. To support and cheer you on.

Kindest thoughts.

First step (trigger warning: sexual assault)

New_Moon — Tue, 04 Apr 2017 00:32:02 GMT

I thought I'd let all you dear mother surrogates know that I have a long appointment booked with a Doc on Friday. I was feeling a lot more balanced yesterday and was thinking "Hey, I'm not so down after all," but this morning when I came on site and couldn't find my posts in the Welcome Forum, I instantly plummeted again. It took me a while to find my new forum, and all the time there were tears, and anger, and frustration...and a part of me was watching and aware that my reaction was very extreme, and not a very healthy one. So despite my reluctance, I'm now starting to agree with you that I do need professional help.

Croix writes, If you falter think of all of us having had the same experience. You all say that in one way or another, and that brings a strange comfort. As much as I cringe at the thought of other people suffering, it's brings a certain 'normalcy' to this fragile, shaky existence.

Pawsy - you and I sound like Soul Sisters! I used to be called Greta Garbo by my family ("I vant to be alone").

Starwolf, congratulations for making me bawl again. Why does having someone showing understanding and compassion reduce me to tears? I have cried more in the past few days since joining BB, than I have in the past few years. The Kleenex company haven't been so happy since my Beloved died.

As for being relocated to the PTSD & Trauma section, I suppose that's appropriate, although I have never really considered myself in such light.

Anyway, will update you on results of GP visit. In the meantime I wish you all

Wellness and Graitude

First step (trigger warning: sexual assault)

pawsy — Tue, 04 Apr 2017 22:42:27 GMT

ello New Moon

Yes, i was relocated to the suicide thread when i started posting which gave me a bit of a fright, but also was a fair call in retrospect. It's interesting to see (and feel viz kleenex explosion!) what others perceive when you start sharing this biz. Very happy to be your soul sister in the Greta Garbo club. I am for sure a card carrying member, and only moreso as i age. In lots of ways i think it's a very fine way to be: independence, ease in my own company, a kind of togetherness in my small-but-also-great world. Isolation is a problem though, and i have gotten into a psychic mess as a result. No woman is an island ... or is she? I'm on the adventure to discover more about this question now. Stay tuned.

Hope you will stay in touch, best wishes pawsy.

First step (trigger warning: sexual assault)

Starwolf — Wed, 05 Apr 2017 02:58:19 GMT

Hey New Moon,

Crying is a form of release. It is better for strong emotions to find an outlet than to continue gnawing at your inner self.

I'm sorry that the change of location to the Suicide/self-harm section caused such distress. The Welcome and Orientation section is just the first port of call for all new members. A temporary location. Before we get to know you better, all threads with an initial mention of inclination towards ending it all ends up in the SSH section. It is an internal automatic process, a precautionary measure only. Nothing "personal".

I hope your appointment will go well and will be the start of a journey of self-discovery. Well done for taking this courageous first step.

First step (trigger warning: sexual assault)

New_Moon — Wed, 05 Apr 2017 23:01:18 GMT

'Morning Pawsy

How wonderful it is to discover that there's someone else who sees solitude as an asset rather than a liability. The difficulty as I see it, is finding a balance between solitude and social connection. Go too far one way and it becomes isolation and a lonely sad place in the mind. Go too far the other way and it can become a manic addiction to social busyness, a co-dependence on others to fill the inner or outer void, which only leads to unhealthy stress and burnout. I've always liked the term 'interdependence'. Maybe we are all islands but with bridges that sometimes get broken, or washed away by sorrow and suffering..

BB seems to be a great place for mending bridges, thanks for your bridgework, SS and fellow GG.

First step (trigger warning: sexual assault)

New_Moon — Wed, 05 Apr 2017 23:48:17 GMT

Thankyou Starwolf for the little chuckle you created with the "nothing personal" line. But just to clear up any misconception, I wasn't verging on a breakdown over being moved to this particular forum, it was out of the frustration of not knowing where I been moved, and being new to the site, I hadn't sussed out all the navigation tricks to find it.

It took me ages to locate it and all the time my mind was battling with rising anger (why is this so hard/ why is everything so hard for me/ don't bother with it/forget about BB/ who cares etc etc - you get the picture). My prolonged depressed state had lowered not only my frustration levels, but my IQ level as well!

Maybe this has happened to others? I now know that all the information is there, but like me, perhaps other newcomers are not in a state of mind where patient reading and orientation to the site are possible. Is there a way of sending out a proforma email to all new members with basic info on site navigation to address issues like this? Is there a BB Suggestion Box? Do I expect you to answer all these questions ? Of course not. Just wondering out loud in silent print...

Thanks for your well wishes, my anxiety battling with curiosity. The Mind is certainly a most fascinating creature.

Have a happier day (my new mantra)

First step (trigger warning: sexual assault)

Starwolf — Thu, 06 Apr 2017 00:47:01 GMT

Actually, there is info available on how to use the forums and get the best out of them. If you go to the ALL POSTS section of the forums page and click on Welcome and Orientation, you will find there a number of pinned threads explaining how it all works. Those pinned threads are the first ones in the Welcome section. You will even find a Suggestion thread there.

Yes, it is safe to say that most of us at BB know all about high levels of frustration whenever things don't work out the way we expect them to. It comes with the territory, doesn't it ? 🙂

I agree, the mind is fascinatingly complex and complicated. But when its mechanism gets out of whack, it can also be a pain in the proverbial !

I hope this answers some of your questions. We're here to help whenever possible.

A happier day back to you...definitely.

First step (trigger warning: sexual assault)

pawsy — Thu, 06 Apr 2017 21:15:11 GMT

Ha, dear New Moon. Your reply reminds me of a t-shirt i saw someone wearing this week that said, 'May the bridges I burn light the way'. I loved that, BUT you remind me how those of us in the GG club need to keep building bridges too ... hoping i retain some some basic skills in bamboo formwork for my current chapter in life.

I think today you have your GP appointment. Hope it goes well and you will let us know what happens. Best wishes from pawsy

First step (trigger warning: sexual assault)

The_Abyss — Sat, 08 Apr 2017 00:12:09 GMT

New Moon - I had difficulty finding my posts when I started too, and felt very affronted with my location! (and angry with the process). It doesn't bother me now, and to find my posts easily, go to the MY THREADS tab on the main forum page - it then doesn't matter what forum it's in, your threads are easy to find!

Like Starwolf says - we all have shared experiences here and it's nice to find a "sole sister" among the threads. Our stories are personal but share many a same cord with others. I have found in my short term here that there are some I relate better to than others, and some are a better fit on some days than others. You too will find that balance.

I too crave solitude, but find too much is also not good for the psyche!

By the way, how did your doc appt go?