topic Going it alone... PTSD, cPTSD and undiagnosed panic disorder? in PTSD and trauma

Going it alone... PTSD, cPTSD and undiagnosed panic disorder?

Peace_Seeker — Sun, 16 Apr 2017 09:37:21 GMT

Im new here. A bit at my wits end to be honest. There's no one I can talk to that Im not a burden to. I was diagnosed with PTSD after an "event"in 2012. A little after with cPTSD too. People say PTSD is with you for life. I thought I was different. I just went through a time of very mild symptoms and thought I must have cured myself through mindfulness and meditation. I was even off meds for the last two years. Managing with therapy, meditation, mindfulness and exercise. A little mild mania or anxiety but for months I had a reprieve. I guess at the least I'm lucky compared to some. But It turns out I'm not special. PTSD has come back and kicked my arse. I'm struggling to think, communicate, nightmares, crying, panic attacks and dissociating, hyper vigilant, isolating, feel safer alone, and just had to end a new relationship. I've had to take time off work again. All because I watched something on Tv that triggered me. I don't have a support network (no friends or family) beyond my therapist and I live alone with my dog. I work in law enforcement (interestingly none of my trauma is work related, I'm shit magnet outside of work!) so that's not exactly an industry leading the way in terms of support for people with PTSD. My last boss did his best to have me fired because of it. My idea of socialising is to go to the health food shop and chat with the woman that owns it. Or go to yoga. One yoga class this week I cried for 50% of my class. Probably because I saw my therapist the same day. I asked her for some suggestions to aid me in a technique where you imagine your most loved and supportive people all surrounding you and really imagine the love and supportive feelings they give you. Something to draw on in lonely dark times. It's a great resource. IF you have supportive people in your life. I asked her how might I go about this technique given I don't have anyone. She suggested imagining someone entirely new that would give and love and support in all the ways I need. For a second I thought this could work. But broke down at the thought of being so lonely and broken and pathetic that at the age of 37 I have to conjure an "imaginary friend" to feel connected and loved . So for the length of my yoga class I imagined what my new friend would wear. What he would look like, how he would listen to me and what he would say to me in support. And I cried and cried. On the plus side I have this new imaginary friend. On the negative side I now feel COMPLETELY insane.

Going it alone... PTSD, cPTSD and undiagnosed panic disorder?

MarkJT — Sun, 16 Apr 2017 10:00:52 GMT

Peace Seeker, welcome to the forums mate from a fellow LEA officer and PTSD sufferer. Like you (previously) I have recovered quite well and although not 100%, I don’t think I ever will be but I am in a good place so I will take that.

You obviously know what you are doing with the mindfulness and healthy living, are you doing that again?

Are you back on meds?

You have your story there, are there any specific questions you want to ask?

There is a great thread running for emergency services and medical members – check that out: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/ptsd-trauma/ptsd-for-medical-and-first-responders

Welcome to the forums as well. It is a very caring and protective place.

Mark.

Going it alone... PTSD, cPTSD and undiagnosed panic disorder?

Peace_Seeker — Sun, 16 Apr 2017 10:28:54 GMT

Hi Mark

thank you for your kind reply. 🙂 I'm doing my best to keep up the meditation, yoga... eating tho.... well I have to admit I've hitting the Nutella pretty hard. Haha

Im back on the benzos only at this stage. When I came OFF the meds altogether is around the time I saw some huge positive change for me initially so im loath to go back on them.

My post didn't really have a point did it? I guess I was wondering if anyone else felt like they had really felt like the came out the other side only to be plunged right back into the depths like I have. Is there light again? I absolutely cannot afford another day off work. The thought of having to leave my job because of PTSD terrifies me.

I did see the first responders thread. I wasn't sure if I would belong there as my trauma isn't work related and I'm technically not a first responder although I work with those that are.

Thank you again for replying. How long have you been relatively in the clear?

Going it alone... PTSD, cPTSD and undiagnosed panic disorder?

Guest_989 — Sun, 16 Apr 2017 14:02:10 GMT

Two steps forward one step back, having a remission isn't failing it's just another lesson to learn.

Sounds like you already have the tools to manage your PTSD, you've probably just not maintained yourself aswell as you had and have now reached this point

Get back to the basics, try not to ruminate, take a walk and listen to the sounds, and smell the air

Small steps, one day at a time

Going it alone... PTSD, cPTSD and undiagnosed panic disorder?

Peace_Seeker — Sun, 16 Apr 2017 22:16:32 GMT

Thank you Az. Your reply means a lot. No ruminating... haha I'm trying to work if that's what I've been doing in my isolation?

Thanks for the advice. I'll look carefully and see where I have put some of my tools down.... prob when I started seeing someone new AND started watching some TV with him. That's a starting place again. So no boys or TV.

im pretty much constantly feeling my body and fear. It's at the point where I don't feel "fear" so much anymore just my inner body acting like a circus. It's pretty tough to be with but trying.

I think what might be triggering a bit more stuff is the fact I'm sposed to go back to work on Wednesday. My work place is already highly stimulating. I'm just not sure I can manage that external circus and my internal circus when my internal lion tamer is on holiday. Ha! Sorry for the lousy metaphor.

Do you work? How do you manage work and your symptoms?

Going it alone... PTSD, cPTSD and undiagnosed panic disorder?

Guest_989 — Mon, 17 Apr 2017 03:23:11 GMT

Heya!! Its good you've recognised the things that are triggering you, it's a move forward. It's okay to see guys and watch TV once you're in control of your emotions.

Yes I do work, I'm a prison officer, been in a lot of incidents, assaults on me, riots and fires.

I gym 6 days a week, eat clean, don't drink (anymore) and dont take medications

I find for me, working in a stressful and high paced work environment, too not take anything to heart that's said to me, maintain good repore with my colleagues and prisoners, and focus on living a healthy life outside of work

Work to live, not live to work. It's just a job

Try not to stress too much about Wednesday, go in with an open mind, no fear dont let it control your life. Let me know how you go when you can

Take each day as it comes, here if you need to vent

Going it alone... PTSD, cPTSD and undiagnosed panic disorder?

MarkJT — Mon, 17 Apr 2017 04:17:24 GMT

Nutella....how good is it!! (but unfortunately oh so bad for us - bugger).

Your post did have a point, most certainly, the point was that you hit a wall and plunged back into the PTSD abyss but i was just wondering if there was any specific question.

I have been pretty good for about a year i think. I am very much ever mindful though that at any stage, I can be triggered and sent backwards a fair way. I know my triggers and my danger zones, i.e. when very tired, so try to manage those as best i can. Anger is still very much an issue for me though.

Love what Azbox has posted above and is pretty much a mirror reflection of what i do to try my best to stay healthy.

I think i can gather what you do for a job and as far as i am concerned, if you operate in the emergency services world, you are in emergency services and just because your trauma is not related, I do not see that as saying you cannot partake in that thread - far from it.

Break it down when you go back to work. Just work on getting to the front door - tick that off then set the next goal. Get to desk, tick that off and set a new goal. Don't think about the whole day collectively. Breaking down days can work really well and when your mind starts to set off, pull it back and concentrate on that moment.

Here to support ya!

Mark

Going it alone... PTSD, cPTSD and undiagnosed panic disorder?

Peace_Seeker — Mon, 17 Apr 2017 11:47:47 GMT

Thank you Az

You have no idea how much yours and Mark's posts have meant to me. I honestly feel understood and not so alone as corny as it sounds. Reading both your posts now made me tear up. Shhhh! Don't tell anyone! Ha.

I am definitely embraced the healthy eating, exercise thing for quite some time now. And I know it works. And over the last couple of years I've pretty much stopped drinking too. I've only had drinks a couple of times this year... it overrated... AND I immediately notice the effect on my anxiety.

i just realised this afternoon I'm feeling a bit better. Trying not to get too excited yet. I have also noticed I stopped drinking coffee altogether again a couple of days ago. I gave up coffee last year but at some point I started drinking it again and was sometimes having 3 a day. Whoops! That's a great find for me so thank you for telling me to look where I've dropped tools.

and I will go to work Wednesday with my head up 🙂

Thank you for sharing your work stuff. I appreciate it. It's definitely an intense situation to be managing so well. I respect that.

Fi x

Going it alone... PTSD, cPTSD and undiagnosed panic disorder?

Peace_Seeker — Mon, 17 Apr 2017 11:56:48 GMT

Nutelllaaaaaaaaah. I ate 100gms of it yesterday. Easter present to myself. Haha. I don't know how I'm not fat. Hahaha!

Thank you Mark. So much for your support. You and Azbox are awesome and I am so so grateful. It's been a while since I felt so alone and now with you blokes I feel like I've never been so understood and supported. I would never had guessed jumping on this forum would have had such a positive outcome.

And I love the breaking it down idea for getting to work. That's brilliant. All of a sudden it's not so daunting. X

Fi.

Going it alone... PTSD, cPTSD and undiagnosed panic disorder?

Guest_989 — Mon, 17 Apr 2017 12:10:36 GMT

I'm really happy to hear how well you feel today.

Youre not alone Fi, make sure you let us know how you go Wednesday. Take your toolbox with you

Going it alone... PTSD, cPTSD and undiagnosed panic disorder?

Peace_Seeker — Tue, 18 Apr 2017 03:57:32 GMT

😞 having a struggle today. Woke already feeling the adrenaline in my veins. I saw my GP today and she suggested thinking about anti depressant meds again. I really don't want to. Of the many I've tried the side effects and general crazy making affect they have on me really have put me off. I'd rather persist with mindfulness and meditation and therapy. The GP commented on how calm I seem. I go really still when feeling and observing panic/terror. Until I get too many outside stimulations and then flip out and start crying.

Not sure what I'm looking for today. I'm going to drag myself into work tomorrow and see what happens. As you guys know there's no such thing as taking it easy at work. On any given day you get what ur given and you've got to be able to handle whatever the workload may be. Heavy/light.

Going it alone... PTSD, cPTSD and undiagnosed panic disorder?

Guest_989 — Tue, 18 Apr 2017 05:51:39 GMT

That's no good, but at least you recognise your not 100%

I must admit talking about my kids on here last night affected my mood, thought about calling in sick, just made myself get up and go....now I feel fine

Sometimes seeing the gp can be a negative experience, it's up to you about meds, if you want to keep trying mindfulness that's up to you. I don't take meds myself as I feel no better on them

How are you feeling this afternoon?

Going it alone... PTSD, cPTSD and undiagnosed panic disorder?

MarkJT — Tue, 18 Apr 2017 07:57:54 GMT

Peace Seeker, that is awesome that you realise that you are not alone. That is very powerful - there are so (unfortunately) people in society that are walking in your exact shoes. The difference with you to so many others is that you are eating and living healthy. This has such a massive impact on your mental health so well done!

You will have bad days, that is part of the journey. When those bad days come along, surf the waves of emotion. Just like surfing the ocean waves, you will learn to surf the emotional waves. The more you surf them, the better you will get.

Great work Aztec about getting up and going to work - must be something the thread as I woke up crap today as well!! Exercise, music and mindfulness this morning got me enough brain juice (mental energy) to get through the day.

Mark.

Going it alone... PTSD, cPTSD and undiagnosed panic disorder?

Peace_Seeker — Tue, 18 Apr 2017 08:36:21 GMT

Hey Az

im sorry you were affected like that 😞 usually stuff around people's kids make them happy? I'm happy to listen if want but completely understand if that's not necessary particularly considering you're feeling better.

i just smashed myself at hot yoga (again). Some days it releases energy other days it ramps me up. It's having the later effect this evening. Not in a really bad way but I think sleeping is gonna be tough tonight.

ill set my alarm tomorrow early enough to meditate before I leave for work I think.

Going it alone... PTSD, cPTSD and undiagnosed panic disorder?

Peace_Seeker — Tue, 18 Apr 2017 08:42:45 GMT

Once again Mark your replies are so kind and supportive..

do you meditate? My meditation guru often refers to "surfing the waves". That our feelings and emotions are the waves. But waves are only on the surface. And that deep within everyone is a "presence" or calm as vast and deep as the ocean. "Remember, you are NOT the waves. You are the ocean" 🙂

Hey your day sounds like mine a bit! Mine was...Hot yoga, mindfulness and singing. I see a vocal coach and she is awesome with my anxiety and PTSD. Before January I didn't think I could sing in front of anyone ever again because of anxiety. I still haven't yet but my gosh she has got me singing and sounding better than I have in my entire life 🙂

Going it alone... PTSD, cPTSD and undiagnosed panic disorder?

Guest_989 — Tue, 18 Apr 2017 08:46:53 GMT

I posted last night in the family relationships section if you'd like some insight

I too just finished at the gym, it's a good release for me, the stronger I feel physically the better I feel internally...for me at least

Im really glad your still planning on going to work tomorrow, I think you'll feel better once you've gone and done a day!!

Hot yoga, sounds fun. Im the most inflexible guy in the world I couldn't do that!

Going it alone... PTSD, cPTSD and undiagnosed panic disorder?

Peace_Seeker — Tue, 18 Apr 2017 09:26:39 GMT

Az.

I love hot yoga. It's affectionately referred to as "Bikram's torture chamber". it sure does get you present and develop an ability to be with suffering and move with it rather than against it. I have no doubt it's been integral to my recovery in the past. I also got a little puffed up tonight when the instructor thanked ME for my strong practice. Teehee! 😄

Az, i did read you're post on the family forum. I think you are so courageous and I admire your heart and honesty. X I don't have kids but I imagine you are a very good man doing the very best you can under your incredibly difficult circumstances. And you seem to be doing all the right things to heal and understand and move forward. I hope you are incredibly kind to your heart.<3

Going it alone... PTSD, cPTSD and undiagnosed panic disorder?

Guest_989 — Tue, 18 Apr 2017 09:32:34 GMT

Nothing wrong with a yoga ego boost from the instructor!! 😂😂

Hopefully my feelings towards the kids change, it'd be a sad life otherwise

Make sure you reply tomorrow on how your day goes, even if you don't go in

Going it alone... PTSD, cPTSD and undiagnosed panic disorder?

Peace_Seeker — Tue, 18 Apr 2017 10:27:27 GMT

I'm not a professional obviously but I feel in my heart that as you shift the anxiety and flight/fight response you have when they are around, you will then be able to access the love that is there.

Have you heard of Dan Siegel? He's a clinical professor of psychology and has a great "hand" model to explain how our brain works in Fight/flight/freeze. He explains when in these heightened states of survival arousal (like anxiety) we can't actually access the parts of the brain for higher functioning like compassion etc. if you Google his name and "brain hand model" you'll find a YouTube clip with him explaining it. It's amazing. Makes me realise how and why I can't always respond in the way I want to under stress.

And yes! I will def be in touch tomorrow. You're not going to get rid of me now 🙂

Going it alone... PTSD, cPTSD and undiagnosed panic disorder?

Guest_989 — Tue, 18 Apr 2017 10:40:44 GMT

Thanks, just watched. These are the sorts of things that benefit, being a person of science it helps me understand a physiological reason to my actions

Its a pity they don't condone interaction of members outside the forums as it's nice to talk to some ppl with similar outlooks