topic my son in PTSD and trauma

my son

grieving_mum — Fri, 02 Sep 2016 09:20:08 GMT

my son Dan died on the 21st August 2016 it was suicide he was 21 and I am numb. He was my youngest child and my baby. I am taking a time out to gather my thoughts and regroup. I have 3 three other adult children and I know they need me but my life is at an impasse. What do i do next? where do I go from here?

my son

Zeal — Fri, 02 Sep 2016 09:33:18 GMT

Hi grieving Mum,

I am so deeply sorry for the loss of your son, Dan. I truly hope that you and your three adult children can support each other through this really difficult time. It's been less than two weeks since Dan's death, so you are still in the early stages of grief. You are right to take time out - this is essential for you to grieve at your own pace and not be overwhelmed.

I highly recommend seeing a counsellor or psychologist. Your local doctor (GP) can help with a referral to a suitable qualified person.

I really hope you can seek some emotional support. In the meantime, if you need to talk to someone friendly and helpful, you can call beyond blue's 24/7 helpline on 1300 22 4636 and/or visit http://griefline.org.au/

Best wishes,

my son

white knight — Fri, 02 Sep 2016 09:47:20 GMT

Hi grieving mum, welcome

So glad you posted here.

My brother and uncle departed my life in the same way. I've toyed with thoughts for 37 years now as to how I could have stopped my brother doing that. So, if you are feeling this, sadly its part of the process. Best not to torment yourself too much.

However, there are some practical ways to allow your sorrow to at least ease just a little. You'll find your own way that makes you comfortable. For me its writing mainly poetry.

A few words allows release. In a place only you and Dan are...alone with him around you.

Hi my youngest, I'm feeling numb

Hug me tight, your grieving mum

Show your face one more time

That cheeky smile that's half of mine

Then rest away no more pain

Until we can hug and hug again....

,.....I wrote that for you just now. The power of the written word helps you vent. Keep a folder of your writing...visit it when you feel like it.

Cradle your cherished memories. Time helps.

Love and care

Tony WK

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grieving_mum — Fri, 02 Sep 2016 09:54:32 GMT

your poem was beautiful! thank you

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white knight — Wed, 07 Sep 2016 01:00:25 GMT

Just checking up on you Grieving mum.

R U OK?

my son

grieving_mum — Tue, 16 May 2017 03:18:46 GMT

It has been 8 months and I still miss my son. There is not a day that goes by without thinking of him! 2 out of my 3 children are not coping well and my husband and I are living apart, although we see each other every weekend. Each of us are fighting to return to some sort of normalcy and we each have good and bad days. I cannot live in the house where my son died hence the separation from my husband, I am living in our holiday house ( lucky to have that option ) 2 hours away from family. I try to visit as often as I can and they too come to me. Some days I feel peaceful and others not so! I feel that I am in limbo I guess just treading water. We as a family have coped with a lot of firsts, his birthday, other birthdays, Christmas, Easter, Mothers day but the one we dread the most is 21st August and as it draws closer I am filled with trepidation and concern for my family. I guess as a family we will cross that bridge and get safely to the other side! how sad life can be.

my son

white knight — Tue, 16 May 2017 07:34:49 GMT

Hi GM, glad to see you return.

Firstly I'd like to talk about special dates. I have a different view on those. Every year on 28th April my sister has a bad day being the anniversary of our brothers dead. Yes, suicide also. But for me the day passes like a normal day, why?

Dates are man made. It is simply where earth was in a similar position each year. I prefer to think of my bro when he crosses my mind, whenever that is. But I respect how you all go through this.

I'm concerned that it appears you have difficulty with the family home. Sometimes in certain circumstances we have to make big decisions. Can you sell up and make a new start?

Google Topic: be radical- beyondblue

Have you found a way to celebrate his life? A local country family has a scolarship for one lucky student. In 2007 my daughter won it. Those funds $2000 went towards her uni costs. I wrote to that family to thank them, this young lady was 17yo and had that year nursed me when I was ill. She even nurtured me during a psychotic episode. She is now a teacher.

What about you? Do you have hobbies, sports, friends you can meet with? Any interests? Diet, exercise? Goals? Sometimes we have to force ourselves towards normality rather than wait till it comes to us.

Your other children? How are they coping? Having a sibling leave me under a similar situation all sorts of things have passed my mind in the last 38 years since he left us. Do I have the same tendency? (I do), does my sister have the same tendancy? (Yes she does). So we've had to deal with that and it revealed we both have a number of mental illnesses likely what our brother had that the family never knew of. So, I'm suggesting you channel as much of that energy in that huge heart of yours towards your other children. You likely are doing that but its worth you revisiting those thoughts.

How's hubby coping? Can he open up? Do you support each other?

Are you busy?. An idle mind creates sad thoughts.

Dont answer if you dont want to.

Kind thoughts to a proud mum

Tony WK

my son

MarkJT — Tue, 16 May 2017 08:00:37 GMT

grieving mum, first off, I am very sorry to read about what happened to Dan. I cannot imagine what it is like for you to lose a son.

Losing someone very close to you is extremely difficult and no amount of time will ever make you feel 100% comfortable with it.

Even though it has been eight months since Dan left you, this is still really early in the grieving process so I want you to be kind to yourself and not try and force the feeling of getting on with life.

It is natural to feel numb, you have lost a large piece of your life and it is natural to be thinking of him every day, again you are very early in grieving. I still think of the person i lost almost every day and it is 35+ years ago. The difference now is that I can think of her and smile. Think of the good times and remember her as who she was and always will be. She is ageless in my mind. To me this is what happens at the tail end of the grieving process, you learn to live with it without it making you to upset.

I think you are doing a tremendous job all things considered and keep taking time out if you feel you need to. There is nothing wrong with that and I think that it is the right and proper thing to do.

What is really important is your self care. Your energy levels are going to need to be up as the amount of mental energy you are exerting is huge. Try and make sure that your diet is as good as can be, try to stay away from alcohol and get some exercise in. Really important and Zeal's point about seeing the GP is brilliant. They are there to help you through life in many different areas, this being one of them.

Anniversary's and dates of importance are always very very difficult, no doubt about it. Make sure that you are surrounded by people who you can lean on. Good to be with the family but also consider having some friends over that know what happened for no other reason but just to support you and your family.

Keep posting in here - we are all here for you and to help you out where we can.

Keep staying strong, you are so massively strong and never tell yourself anything different.

Mark.

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grieving_mum — Tue, 16 May 2017 10:00:42 GMT

Thanks for your words! Firstly dates are not man made but mother made, my son came into this world through me on the 18th November 1994 I had another son! On the 21st August 2016 my son died and I lost him and I treasure the years he was with me! I don't mean to be awful in fact it is the opposite. Life is not about earth and earthly dates it is about the heart! it is about the centre of our being.The time might roll around each year as earthly dates but the heart does not know earthly things it weeps or finds joy, mine still weeps, In answer to other questions, my husband is not in a good place and I think might never fully recover I try so hard for all of my family! Mothers can be ferocious like that! I am seeing a doctor and am on antidepressants, This is a good thing, all the months that I have spent rewinding time have stopped and I am calmer, I question whether this is a good thing though because I feel that the medication has dulled my senses and that the grieving process is being delayed. As to the house, my eldest son is moving in with his beautiful partner and I love the idea, I did not want to sell the house to a stranger, My son Jon and his beautiful partner Cassie will start a family and have many happy memories just like the ones before Dan's death. That home is the place Dan grew up in and died in and I am happy it is staying in the family! Jon and Cas will once more make it a happy house! I am on my own with my grief, it is so exhausting but I am drugged, so life goes on and I focus on my family! that is my life!

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grieving_mum — Tue, 16 May 2017 10:12:51 GMT

Thank you Mark,

I have been seeing a doctor, not sure I need to but my family says yes. I guess if Dan would have listened to family he too might still be here! I do think of the good times but my heart aches. My husband does not like photos of Dan so I hide them and when he has gone I put them everywhere! I talk to him often telling him how much I miss him, his voice, his laugh, his smell and his touch, my biggest fear is that I will forget these things and I don't want to!

my son

MarkJT — Tue, 16 May 2017 10:58:56 GMT

I think that is great that you are currently seeing the Doctor. Put it this way, nothing gained is nothing lost if you do not get any advancement out it, at least you know that you have ticked that box. I would hate for you to get five years down the track and have you thinking, "I should have gone to the Doc in 2017".

You need to do what you need to. If that is putting the pics up and talking to Dan, if that is what is good for you, then continue it. People grieve in so many different ways and it is up to the individual as to what suits them best.

I would think that you are in the vast majority of people who talk to loved ones that have left us.

Perhaps learning some mindfulness would be good for you. It helps you live in the moment and helps to calm when things are spiraling out of control, like anxiety does. When you are having those moments where you really want to connect with the memories, mindfulness will help you live in the moment and hopefully that will help you relive those moments and retain them.

There is an app called, "Smiling Mind" which is guided mindfulness, I well recommend it.

Take care.

Mark.

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geoff — Tue, 16 May 2017 17:58:37 GMT

Morning grieving mum, I can not imagine the pain you are going through, it must be horrendous, and all the questions you keep asking yourself, there are no answers, and even though you may have support, it's an enormous hole that you have to cope with, and boy, that isn't easy, but for people you love just to be with you, that feeling of loving and being loved is something you desperately need.
As much as you wanted to help Dan, he may have not confided with anybody, that's a pain you are suffering from, because all you wanted to do was hold him and tell him how much you loved him, but I don't believe that your husband is anywhere near you, because he doesn't want to see any photos of Dan just yet.
Your memory and love for Dan will never go away, the times when you both laughed at something, the times when he might have helped you, all of these will live with you forever.
My heart and thoughts go out to you in every possible way. Geoff. x

my son

grieving_mum — Tue, 16 May 2017 22:14:57 GMT

Thank you Mark, I like the idea of a smiling mind will try and will let you know how it goes!

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grieving_mum — Tue, 16 May 2017 22:34:52 GMT

Good morning,

Thank you for your post! For some reason yesterday was a hard day, no particular reason why it just happens.Today I feel a little better, the sun is shining and my beautiful dog Dixie and I went for an early morning walk and watched the sun rise. I think it helped to talk to someone yesterday you know release the pressure valve! I know I have a long way to go and constantly fighting the blues can be exhausting but life goes on even if I don't want it to. My Dan was a kind caring and gentle soul and of all my children he was the one I connected with the most! That makes it even harder. I can't and won't let my family down so the struggle goes on!

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geoff — Tue, 16 May 2017 23:28:12 GMT

dear grieving mum, I understand that everyday is different, one day where you may seem to pick yourself up, but maybe the next day you find it all too much, can I just mention that these days when you're not feeling well is when you don't want to pretend that you are OK, because if you do then it will make you feel exhausted and susceptible to whatever else may go on around you.
You need to look after yourself, your health is of prime concern, so please take care. Geoff.

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Achelois — Tue, 16 May 2017 23:35:04 GMT

Hello Grieving Mum,

I can imagine your pain. Bad days will come now and then, but I am so glad you have good ones too. Hopefully your journey in dealing with this terrible grief will help your husband and your other children.

One thing I found helped me might be useful for you (in addition to the professional help and love of your close ones). I found it helped to think about my son as I remembered him, and fiercely hold that little boy. I remind myself that no one can take away that little boy from my heart, so he continues in my love for him. I choose (most days) to focus on this and not on the pain of the loss (not quite 2 years now). Like you, I was lucky to have him for the time he was with me, and to have known the joy of his beautiful heart and soul.

I sorrow for your loss, but I am joyful in your love for your beautiful son.

We are here for you.

my son

3T — Fri, 19 May 2017 11:11:28 GMT

Hi grieving mum

im sorry for your heartache, I too am a grieving mum

I know nothing can ease your pain but please know your not alone walking down this dark bumpy road that is grief

Kelly xx

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MarkJT — Sat, 20 May 2017 08:04:43 GMT

I am in just so much awe of all of your unbelievable strength and resilience. To go through such events, yet you are here, supporting each other and seeking out advice and answers.

Never forget that we are all here for you. Help you in any way we can.

So much respect.

Mark.

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3T — Sun, 21 May 2017 09:12:09 GMT

Hi mark

thankyou for your words. It's bizarre people oftern comment about the strength we have, I certainly feel like a broken shadow of the person I was before my daughter got her wings

some days I question why I'm still here fighting for something i used to have and for someone I'm not going to be able to hold again, but we do it everyday .. We have no choice

thank you for your support xx

my son

MarkJT — Sun, 21 May 2017 12:40:34 GMT

3T, i agree with you 100%. This sounds (in a nice way) hypocritical but lots of people have said to me how much courage i have to speak out about mental health matters and particularly PTSD in first responders, how tough i am to recover and how how resilient i am but i do not feel that one iota so when you say you do not feel it, agree fully.

I am fortunate in that i have not been touched by suicide in such a close way but I can assure you that you are exceedingly tough and resilient.

Your words, "We have no choice" really resonate with me as when i was feeling utterly crap, I didn't have a choice but to do everything i can to recover because I didn't want to feel that way anymore.

I have no doubt that your journey is profoundly harder than mine and this is why i have so much respect and admiration for you and everyone else who is finding their way after the loss of close loved ones.

Mark