topic Recent diagnosis of PTSD and possible connection to years of anxiety and depression in PTSD and trauma

Recent diagnosis of PTSD and possible connection to years of anxiety and depression

Navy_Blue — Fri, 21 Oct 2016 04:26:57 GMT

Hello, I am new to this game however I am relieved to have found the confidence to reach out for help and support. I have been an officer in the ADF for over 15 years, I am married with three beautiful young children who are my everything.I had battled depression and anxiety (and to an extent still do) shortly after returning from military deployments and at the time could not place a finger on the causes of my feelings of self worthlessness, lack of self esteem and general daily sadness. I have recently been diagnosed with PTSD and through this discovery a whole can of worms opened on several other self confidence issues and fears came into light.I am still being treated on AD but still experience bad days. To complicate and compound things more for me I am 40 years old and am just starting recovery for my second total hip replacement.My first was done 8 months ago.I have a lot on my plate and with a young family prioritising which area to focus on first is difficult as unfortunately they all feel as though one effects the other.After several years of trying to be a man and block it all away, I finally broke down and opened up and spoke in depth with my wife.Several reasons preventedd me from doing this earlier, (the PTSD issue) mainly the national security and secrecy act, but the fear of discussing my depression and anxiety with her were mainly from a fear of not being strong enough as a man or being inadequate in many ways.I still get PTSD triggers on a daily basis and as a rely I'm way over protective with my kids along with a lengthy list of other self negativity.The strong fear of not being man enough to cope with this stuff has severley effected my self confidence and I contantly feel inadequate as a man, husband and father.The fact I have 2 new shiny hips hasn't helped me in this department either.As a people pleaser in general, I am anxious that I am not good enough for my wife and that I am no longer seen as sexually attractive, strong (both physically and mentally) and fail to compare in any shape or form to her previous relationships. She remained in contact with some of her previous partners, which I have since explained hurts me, and she has promised to cease all contact.I can function sexually but she seems uninterested in any intamacy anymore. This just feeds my fears of inadequacy and self worthlessness. Just wanted to vent, looks like I have overshot my characters left... Thanks for listening, I might try and do this again soon. Cheers.

Recent diagnosis of PTSD and possible connection to years of anxiety and depression

MarkJT — Fri, 21 Oct 2016 04:56:26 GMT

Navy Blue, first off, thank you for your service. Awesome that you have reached out and posted. Great stuff. That's what the forums are here for.

I am a police officer who has had PTSD, depression and anxiety for a number of years. My triggering incident was in 2003 and was hospitalised in 2013. At this time, I had no resilience, no confidence, no decision making ability and no self worth so to an extent have walked in your shoes.

In time and with the right treatment you will once again get back to who you want to be. It takes time, you need to give yourself time. There is no easy fix to PTSD.

I did a stack of exposure therapy and a tonne of psychotherapy. I spilled my guts, didn't hold back. Got the poison (PTSD) pretty much out of me. I still suffer regular flashbacks but they have no power over me now due to the exposure therapy.

I practise mindfulness daily. If you have not heard of mindfulness, research it, do a course on it, download some apps that assist you with it and absolutely do it. To me it is a non negotiable. I love it as when i feel depressive or anxious, it helps calm me right down.

Being from the military, much like my work, there are long standing ideas that men don't cry, men don't talk about feelings and men are tough. I say that it takes more courage to open up and speak about mental health than it does to push it aside. Anyone that says you are weak, ask them if our SAS or US SEALs/Delta etc are weak? The obvious answer would be, no they are not. Follow that up with, Well how come they also get PTSD? The moral of this story is that you are not weak, not in any sense of the word. You have deployed which says you are chocker block with courage. Much respect.

No one is immune from mental health issues and to be the best husband/father you can be, you need to get yourself right. You will have to get a little bit selfish until such time that you are who you want to be or well on the way to being that. Are you seeing a psych? You are on AD's so i assume you are. Is this ongoing? How are you tackling your triggers? Really important to get a handle on triggers as you cannot outrun them and unless you are going to box yourself in somewhere, you will get triggered somewhere/sometime.

Would love to hear back to see how you are going.

Cheers

Mark.

Recent diagnosis of PTSD and possible connection to years of anxiety and depression

Elizabeth CP — Fri, 21 Oct 2016 05:24:45 GMT

Good luck with this journey (Learning to deal with PTSD is a journey or roller coaster ride) My experience is different to yours as mine stems from a very traumatic event which happened when I was 10 but like you I didn't talk about it for decades. It was too painful to talk about it so noone in my family ever talked about it A few years ago I had to see my GP to request a medical certificate after some serious triggers made it impossible for me to cope. This was the first time I had told anyone what was happening. I was lucky he had been through a related experience & shared some of his feelings. Not in any detail but enough for me to feel he understood me and he was able to help me feel that my feelings were a normal reaction to a terrible experience. I still have very strong reactions to some triggers and that will probably stay for the rest of my life. I also go overboard 'keeping myself safe in'threatening situations' but at least now my husband understands what is happening and will encourage me to do what is necessary to feel & be safe. I shared this with you to encourage you to reach out to your wife so she can understand & support you as far as possible & to encourage you to reach out for professional help & to others who may have experienced similar things to you. Dealing with the triggers is hard enough without the negative self talk (putting yourself down because you overreact or can't control your feelings & these lead to feeling worthless as a partner or parent) I hope you can keep talking to your wife & both can learn to enjoy life (together with the new shiny hips). My husband became blind several years ago. This means he can no longer do many things he used to do & badly affected his image of himself as a man, husband etc. He tried to compensate by doing as much as he could sometimes not being sensible & putting himself at risk but we have gradually adapted so I let him do what he can so he feels useful. My son asks him to help particularly when he needs someone with strength but where he doesn't need his sight. Obviously we would both prefer he was still able to see but we have learnt to make the best of the situation. Similarly you will learn to adapt to your limitations due to your new hips & will learn that being a man or husband or father is not dependent of having a perfect body or mind.

I hope what I have said makes sense. I just wanted you to know I cared & things can improve

Recent diagnosis of PTSD and possible connection to years of anxiety and depression

1113 — Fri, 21 Oct 2016 05:35:45 GMT

Hi Navy blue

You should give yourself a big pat on the back mate. What you have been through is a painful experience mentally and physically. I take pride in the fact that I keep moving even though it's extremely hard. Strength is an admiral quality.

Keep your chin up

1113

Recent diagnosis of PTSD and possible connection to years of anxiety and depression

Navy_Blue — Fri, 21 Oct 2016 23:52:03 GMT

Hi everyone,wow thank you for such quick responses.I had no idea that firstly anyone would read my post or even better take the time to respond. So thank you! I haven't heard of exposure therapy,but will research it and ask my counsellor.My wife has just got me started on mindfulness and we have started to practice it together.Sadly I have not got control on my triggers yet and it feels like such a long road ahead in being able to do so.To give you some kind of idea of some,I am petrified of filling the car with fuel or being anywhere near the smell of diesel,as the smell of diesel sends me into onset of panic about getting my loved ones to a safe place and some times I shutdown with strong flashbacks until someone brings me out of it.Like you and my psych said,I can't out run my triggers (and diesel fumes is not the only trigger) so I guess it is just time and trying to realise that I am no longer in danger, and my children are not in any danger of being harmed - I still can't shake the memories or random flashbacks of the event and the aftermath.I'm a fairly sensitive soul and maybe due to this personal characteristic I carry a lot of guilt of not being able to save everyone and a huge sense of self failure has bestowed upon me.I guess I overcompensate this now in being far too overprotective of my children, which the makes me feel worse as I am stopping them from being just that - children.Sometimes I wish I could be that alpha male,strong,nothing bothers or scares me,filled with the power that I am seen as the big man.I am not that,nor do I really want to be that,I just want to be a father that my children love and are proud of.A husband who also is loved and desired. At this point in time I don't feel any of this or fail to see it. No doubt I am sure it is all there, I am just blind to it right now.I can't thank you and the others here on this forum for your understanding and genuine caring advice.I was worried about reaching out into cyber world but so far it looks like being one of the best mechanisms regarding my PTSD that I could have done, wow what a relief!I Now I need to engage more with my wife about my insecurity - really not sure how to overcome this fear and it feels as if this is the one that saddens me the most - just another level of failure.Albeit there are no explosions,there are no screams,no foul smells of diesel and burning flesh,there is just me failing to be her big strong man and a fear of her no longer loving me or desiring me.

Recent diagnosis of PTSD and possible connection to years of anxiety and depression

WarHog — Sat, 22 Oct 2016 00:11:27 GMT

I haven't actually been diagnosed with PTSD but I have been showing most of the symptoms for just over a year. I don't get a heap of dreams about the event but i get consistent flashbacks and i zone out for ages. I will open up here and say that the moment stuff went down the drain for me was when i was getting questioned by police. They tried to get me to admit to a series of robberies(which i was not involved in just for the record) with what seemed like an unprofessional way to deal with the situation. then later i was told that speaking out about what happened (which is what initially caused me to become like this) would be "very illegal" so how am I meant to get help if i am by law not aloud to? I honestly don't know how to deal with anything. Im always getting pulled back to the moment and having a series of alternative endings to the outcome of the situation. I don't think i go a day without thinking about the whole thing. I don't know what to call it. If anyone has any experience with ptsd would you call my situation. (I know ot sounds pathetic but i am only showing what i can without making it obvious to any *)&$@7&$@$ authorities catching me talking about this. I don't know where to go

Recent diagnosis of PTSD and possible connection to years of anxiety and depression

MarkJT — Sat, 22 Oct 2016 01:17:55 GMT

Navy blue, exposure therapy is tough to go through, real tough but if i was to re-lapse today, i would do it tomorrow. Speak to your psych about it and if you do agree to undertake a course of it, make sure that you have a good trust level in him or her, as you are going to deliberately trigger yourself massive so to have a trusted psych there is paramount to help you come back to earth. Also have a look at EMDR. A mate of mine is doing that with pretty good results. Also highly confronting but hey if it works, it is worth it.

Don't rush your recovery. You only want to do this once so take your time. Yes you want to be recovered as in yesterday but it will not happen that quick. You have to build the foundation and then when that is stable, then you move on to the next chapter. If you can learn mindfulness this will hold you in really good stead. I was able to deliberately trigger myself (in a controlled way and in a safe environment) so that i could then practice controlling the trigger. All because i learnt techniques to settle myself down. Music is the best and easiest for me.

It is a long road ahead but one that as each step goes by, your resilience improves, your knowledge of your triggers improves, your ability to concentrate improves, your relationships improve and you start to become you again. I am actually thankful for the journey that i went on. It has made me so much more aware of me.

Have you linked in with anymore DVA support groups or the RSL, SoliderOn, Mates4Mates or the kind? Having contact with other ADF members with PTSD would be very helpful for you.

Cheers

Mark.

Recent diagnosis of PTSD and possible connection to years of anxiety and depression

MarkJT — Sat, 22 Oct 2016 01:25:41 GMT

WarHog, I think the first thing you need to do is go to your GP and discuss your health. Probably get a referral to a psych. At least if you get a formal diagnoses then you can begin the recovery as you will know exactly what you are dealing with. Having flashbacks are incredibly hard and take so much mental energy to deal with. If you can take action against the flashbacks via clinical means then you will be so much better off.

Can't really comment on the other matters as it is to cryptic to understand. You have explained why but perhaps give the beyondblue helpline a ring on 1300 224 636 and discuss it with them? Either way you need to have your mental health dealt with. Book in to the GP and begin your recovery.

With the name WarHog, are you current or former ADF? If you are, perhaps like above, get linked in the SoldierOn or mates4mates etc.

Hope that you continue to post here, there are so many that are willing to help in any way we can.

Cheers

Mark.

Recent diagnosis of PTSD and possible connection to years of anxiety and depression

1113 — Sat, 22 Oct 2016 07:48:11 GMT

I was diagnosed with PTSD. Seen a lot of pain. But it manifested itself into major/serve/clinical or just plain depression at the end of the day. Its a tough road to travel and you sound like you have your priorities right. 👍I am new here too and feel as surprised as you just how opening up and not being judged is comforting.

Recent diagnosis of PTSD and possible connection to years of anxiety and depression

MarkJT — Sat, 22 Oct 2016 09:44:50 GMT

1113, brilliant to read your last post. Always great when the realisation sinks in that anyone and everyone is supported in a completely judgment free forum. This allows people to feel confident in opening up and when you open up, the real road to recovery begins. So exciting this is to see. Just love watching people beginning the journey to smiling again.

Cheers

Mark.

Recent diagnosis of PTSD and possible connection to years of anxiety and depression

Navy_Blue — Sun, 23 Oct 2016 00:28:20 GMT

Hello Elizabeth CP,firstly thank you for your reply and caring words.Finding others who can relate to what I am feeling and experiencing has lessened a massive weight from my mind. Without encroaching into your personal or emotional space I am wondering if you can share or pass on some suggestions as how best I try and explain/discuss my triggers clearly with my wife?I have tried several times,however,whether the time was just not right (it is hard finding a free moment with three children under the age of 6),or I was just not in the right frame of mind to discuss something so heavy I have either retreated back into my shell or just left the room an emotional wreck and wanted to be left alone.I am more than aware of the perception that men don't cry nor should they fess up to emotional issues and I guess having had a career for over 15 years in the military has instilled this notion further into my thought process.Experiencing what I did during my deployment has just shattered all forms of my self confidence as being that stereo typical strong big man,it has brought out a swagger of mentally crushing insecurities within me about my mental strength,my bodily physique as a man and I constantly question myself/self doubt myself as not being good enough or no longer loveable or desired. As a woman, may I as your opinion on something - as a neutral party - as I am petrified to discuss this with my wife in fear how she may respond/react.I will not be offended if you choose not to respond as I am even petrified of asking someone I don't know or will never meet.Here goes,in not being able to save the lives of some children or other personnel at the time of my triggering incident,and God help me it was not without trying,does this make me a lesser man,or appear a pathetic man in a woman's eyes/mind?I do feel a failure and not strong enough,it feels like every part of me as a man is small and inadequate - I am terrified by this in how I am seen not only by my wife but by everyone who looks me.As a woman,would the above feelings/insecurities I am feeling make you not love or sexually desire a man anymore?I am not the brave courageous sexy hero that I want to be for my wife.I risked everything that fateful day,yet I am left constantly questioning myself where and how I failed these innocent people.I have always tried to be an honourable man,I just hope my exposed emotional weaknesses are not seen to make me a lesser man physically or sexually in my wife's eyes.

Recent diagnosis of PTSD and possible connection to years of anxiety and depression

Navy_Blue — Sun, 23 Oct 2016 01:02:25 GMT

Hey WarHog, great advice from MarkJT'a post. He has also made some very helpful and enlightening suggestions towards my own journey toward recovery from PTSD. If indeed you are or were a serving ADF member (like me), there are ways around discussing your triggering event without disclosing classified or compartmentalised information. I was able to do it, although it did take some time, a lot of trust and most importantly finding the right psych/counsellor in which you feel comfortable and safe and trust opening up to. My triggering event too was heavily classified, but like my psych said "he didn't need to know the classified stuff, just the general stuff skirting around the classified details". There are "cleared" psychs through ADF - just depends on level of compartments, or in my opinion if you would feel more comfortable speaking without someone outside the organisation. For me personally this was the better option as it was a fresh slate, no perceived opinions or potential bias against what I was opening up to. In the end it is your choice. Believe me there is no need to feel afraid or ashamed of what you have been through. The sooner you open up and let it out the better. In saying that I did still experience some very dark days and thoughts. Please consult a GP to, as (not saying you need them) but ADs may be helpful and having a GP aware of your situation will provide you with a further safety net. Without fully understanding you circumstances but if you have family or extremely close friends reaching out (not necessarily in full detail - only what you feel comfortable disclosing) will also be a great safety net for yourself and possibly help you move forward in confidence of discussing the issues at hand. Easier said than done, I know, it took me years to get where I am now and I still don't feel close to being "fixed"! But, just in opening up to my psych and now using this forum I am really starting to feel some self control and empowerment on actually getting on top of this. Stay on the forum if you can, I already have been given invaluable advice, support and found that there are so many others like us who generally care. Good luck and if there is anything else I can do to offer advice from an ADF or security nature(if this is the case), please do not hesitate to ask - just keep the info sanitised as best you can and avoid veiled speech if you can. Cheers, Navy Blue

Recent diagnosis of PTSD and possible connection to years of anxiety and depression

Navy_Blue — Sun, 23 Oct 2016 05:31:20 GMT

Recent diagnosis of PTSD and possible connection to years of anxiety and depression

Elizabeth CP — Mon, 24 Oct 2016 00:56:22 GMT

Thanks for your reply. I will try to answer as best as I can but I am not your wife so I can't guarantee how she will react. Personally I would prefer my husband to open up & explain his feelings rather than put on a front of being strong & macho. There have been times my husband has tried to put on a front due to issues he has had & not wanting to upset me or put extra pressure on me. I found that really hard to deal with and much preferred it when he was honest. At least then we could work together to deal with the problems. ( my husband has a chronic disease which has had a huge impact on his ability to do things most men can do. Rather than seeing him as weak due to his disability I respect him & see him as courageous because of the way he finds ways to manage as effectively as possible despite his increasing level of disability.

It has taken time for me to be able to open up about my problems. I find it essential to be in a reasonable frame of mind to be able to discuss things. I have said I need to explain what is happening to me so you understand but can we do that later when I've calmed down, or the kids are in bed or whatever needs to happen to allow you to talk more freely. Because I had so much trouble explaining things properly to my husband (some attempts ended in arguments as he didn't react the way I wanted which caused me to overreact) I asked my psychologist for help. I had developed a good relationship with my psych so I could trust him. My psych spoke to my husband explaining what was going on & then spoke to us together so we were all on the same page. It will take time & she probably will never fully understand what it is like for you as triggers can be so illogical. She probably doesn't need to know all the details of what happened but she needs to understand that things which remind you of the event cause extreme reactions.

You said I risked everything that fateful day, yet I am left constantly questioning myself where and how I failed these innocent people''. Thinking you are a lesser man because you didn't save everyone is the PTSD not reality. The reality is that you did everything you possibly could. No decent person would look down on you or see you as less of a man. I have struggled with feelings of guilt & inferiority because I did nothing to help on the day of the trauma which affected me so I can understand where your negative feelings come from. I hope this helps in some way.

Opening up is hard but worth it

Recent diagnosis of PTSD and possible connection to years of anxiety and depression

Navy_Blue — Mon, 24 Oct 2016 05:42:57 GMT

Thank you so much for your open and honest post. Pretty much everything you said rang true. We've had arguments as I tried to explain things that must seem illogical to my wife and in turn I have shut her out in subsequent attempts in opening up. I can now see how difficult it was/still is for her to understand. Do you think it would be worthwhile me suggesting she join this BB organisation? I haven't looked into it but there must be threads and support for those who are not directly suffering PTSD but those who deal with the aftermath and care for their loved ones... Do you think this is something I should suggest or do you think this may just confuse or inflame things? I have spoken to her in some detail of the traumatic event,but left a lot out more to protect her or take her into that horrible place.I understand what you say about it is the PTSD not reality causing my guilt and low self esteem issues, I just can't seem to seperate the two and my thought process is cyclic in a way.I am currently undergoing treatment in ways to manage my triggers which is mentally draining and not easy to do while recovering from hip surgery and in addition of being a father figure in a young family. I will continue to try as I want this poison out of my life ok'd not fully out at least controllable. I find your comments and support like a breath of fresh air and with no pressure intended would love to keep hearing from you over my journey. It is a long road ahead, but as I keep discovering (especially through this forum) I do not need to walk it alone. Thanking you again for everything.

Recent diagnosis of PTSD and possible connection to years of anxiety and depression

1113 — Wed, 16 Nov 2016 00:21:36 GMT

Hi navyblue,

How are things going?

Six

Recent diagnosis of PTSD and possible connection to years of anxiety and depression

Green_Genie — Fri, 18 Nov 2016 08:27:08 GMT

Hi Everyone. Have just read your posts and realized that I'm not isolated in the way I feel right now. I'm a freelance writer and have worn many other hats including running my own business for 9 years. I'm the Green GEnie lol minus harem pants and veil :-]. Recently I had a huge fight ? with my girlfriend and now we aren't seeing each other and I feel distance between us. I thought she was picking on me for various things but after talking with her on the phone I realized that it was my fault. Sometimes if I'm stressed I become kind of - disconnected. I can still function and to the world at large I guess I look and act normal. Inside me it's a different matter. I feel like I want to run but instead just shut down. People can be talking to me but I get engrossed in whatever I'm doing at that time and just don't hear them. I'm a real softie and a very feeling person but when these episodes happen I just don't feel. It's like talking in the cone of silence to a deaf person who can't sign language. My girlfriend said I'm hyperactive and manic and snappy when questioned during these episodes. A few days before this latest episode I was talking to her about an awful period of my life where my Mother, My best friend of 33 years and my partner all died within 18 months of each other. I left my high profile job and because of an immigration / centrelink dept stuff up I couldn't either work or claim the dole. Looking back I drank whatever and whenever I could and didn't cry for any of them. It was just too much so I guess I shut something down. I was severely physically abused as a child from as far back as I can remember until the age of about 15. I left home at 18 and got married , partly I believe to just get away from my abusive father. I have had a few relationships and although people are attracted to me and I'm a very attentive and loving partner in the long term they don't work. It has always been me who has called it quits. My most recent relationship is very important to me and I want to do everything I can to keep it. Has anyone got any suggestions? This is the first time I've opened up and talked in this way besides to my girlfriend.

Recent diagnosis of PTSD and possible connection to years of anxiety and depression

Green_Genie — Fri, 18 Nov 2016 11:03:35 GMT

Oh, I almost forgot. I wrote a poem when I hit my lowest spot. I'm a Freelance Writer - mags, assignments, poems , etc. Writing helps me to make some kind of sense of stuff happening around and to me. A few of my friends have said that they keep this poem around because they can identify with it. If it gets printed and helps any one at all I'm happy.

Cheers,

Green Genie

Don't

Don't listen to cruel mind whispers
Drive out the demons that wring your soul
You don't have to feel good
Feeling something is the key
Don't put out hopes light
Let it burn within your personal darkness
Be afraid to die
Just not afraid to live
Don't lay your weary body
On a mattress made of grief
Pick up the stone of courage
Shatter the windows that block your sunshine
Don't push away the one called Love
Let me kiss your sad mouth
I want you here beside me
Open your heart and let me in

Recent diagnosis of PTSD and possible connection to years of anxiety and depression

Tank_Girl — Sat, 19 Nov 2016 02:42:56 GMT

Hi Navy Blue, I have only just joined in on Forums
What you went thru was horrendous and please know that people like me do how strong and caring a man you really are. In answer to your question, as a woman I would find your openness and truthfulness refreshing and see it as honesty, which is what most people want in a relationship. I see no reason why a woman who loves you and found you sexy before you opened up would change her mind. It is hard for man and woman to open up and say what we are truly feeling inside, but it is the stronger and smarter person who does it.
Suggestion.....Make a date with your wife, take her somewhere you can be alone and talk.

Recent diagnosis of PTSD and possible connection to years of anxiety and depression

pipsy — Sat, 19 Nov 2016 04:07:41 GMT

Hi Green Genie. Love the name. To start with none of the above is your fault. When we have several severe traumatic events, one after another, our minds can't always absorb what's happened. You lost your mum, best friend and partner all in one hit. To accept losing one person close to you is hard, but to lose 3 would be devastating. Even if your gf is aware of your tragic loss, her inability to understand your grief is understandable due to the fact that it is your loss. It seems that you could also have a form of PTSD which put simply, means you are having difficulty adjusting, therefore you're lashing out. You try to 'act normal', but your losses are very real and painful. Not being able to talk to your gf or someone else who could help you come to terms with your losses means, to you, you feel isolated in your grief. Grieving takes many forms and involves anger/denial/hurt/betrayal. All of these feelings need to be accepted before you can start the healing process. When we grieve and hold it in, the wrong word said by accident, wrong look, can cause incredible destructive feelings which means we lash out without wanting to. There is no 'set' time for how long it takes for the grieving to get to the point where the pain becomes less. Some people never stop grieving. Also grief takes many different paths. Closing down when your gf says something that hurts you is a normal part of grief. Perhaps you could try writing to her and explain you're grieving for the losses you've experienced. Your poem above is beautiful, but your gf if she reads that, may not understand what you are trying to say. Sometimes we have to put into words that we are hurting/grieving etc. If you write/email rather than phone her, you can tell her in your own time, rather than talking which can be hard. Putting it on paper means we concentrate more, and don't have to 'wing it' with talking. Also emailing/writing means no fear of either of you disconnecting. When you write/email, tell her you love her and neither of you are at fault. There is no fault here, just a misunderstanding on both sides.

Lynda