topic I don't think I'm strong enough... in PTSD and trauma

I don't think I'm strong enough...

Solosombra — Mon, 25 Jul 2016 07:41:48 GMT

Rape, abuse, forced into religion early, high expectations from a iron fisted farther, famous cousins I'm constantly being measured against, a life time of regrets at 26, losing a baby, cheated on twice, craving love/companionship but to scared to trust anyone again ever, work, siblings that look up too me but I just want to hide from the world in my own corner. I need strength but I'm too damn weak. Why? Why am I not strong enough to deal with this anymore? Usually I can find the strength I need by helping others but that's starting to not work and its scaring me so much. I've never hit a low like this before and it feels like quicksand everything I do backfires in my face.

I don't think I'm strong enough...

james1 — Mon, 25 Jul 2016 07:59:15 GMT

Hi solosombra,

You have a lot on your plate and it sounds really overwhelming. perhaps someone else might be able to give you better advice because I haven't been in a lot of those situations before.

I just wanted to let you know that you're not weak. You've been helping others and you want to get better - that's a sign of immense strength.

Please don't forget that these feelings are temporary. They wash over us and we can't fight them off, but we can tell ourselves to continue to exist, even if it means stopping for a bit, or taking a few steps back. Think of it like wind - wind will blow whatever you do. And if you get blown back a few steps, no one thinks less of you. No one thinks you're weak. All it means is that was a damn strong gale.

So whenever you're feeling down, just try to think of it as: this is a tough period and I will get to the end of it. And right now, this is a real storm you're in, but after hearing a bit of your story, I'm confident you will get to the end of it.

If you ever feel like you need to pick up the phone, beyondblue and lifeline also have their phones available 24/7. I've used both and it can really help to get through these temporary but recurring feelings of suffering.

If you feel comfortable talking about what issues you're facing at the moment, please feel free to let us know here. I'd love to hear more about you and your story.

James

I don't think I'm strong enough...

Solosombra — Mon, 25 Jul 2016 09:44:37 GMT

Hey James thanks for taking the time to reply.

I liked your analogy about the wind it helped. I guess I needed to hear something like that support is limited to BB these days.

I was contemplating calling the help line but I've never done anything like that before is it as daunting as it seems? I wouldn't even know what to say?

And I wouldn't want to burden you with my story its not a happy one at all. But thank you.

Kiamau

I don't think I'm strong enough...

Guest_1055 — Mon, 25 Jul 2016 09:55:37 GMT

Dear Kiamau

I am so sorry you are experiencing all this. So sorry. I would do anything I could to help you or comfort you. Here is a hug from me, but it doesn't seem enough.

I know you had one of those sessions like Sherie did just recently. Do you think perhaps this has just helped to bring everything to the surface. Maybe this is a good thing Kiamau, like bring it all out into the light, so you can be healed??

You are such a caring and likeable person. I care about you, and the tears I am now crying are for you. Are you able to cry about it all Kiamau, just let it all out.

Another hug for you

love

Shell xx

I don't think I'm strong enough...

Solosombra — Mon, 25 Jul 2016 10:20:46 GMT

Thank you for that hug shell 🙂 and a hug back to you .

Yes I had another emdr session Friday it might be a side effect I'm not sure as I haven't been able to get a hold of my therapist.

This was what I was afraid of as I have so much repressed that I was scared about letting it all come to light. I repressed and ignored so much for so long.

Please don't cry on my account shell im sorry. You don't have to read my posts if they upset you 🙂 you have already been kind enough to reply don't waste your tears on me.

I haven't cried yet and I'm not sure that would be wise of me right now to be honest.

Thank you and a hug back to you

Kiamau xx

I don't think I'm strong enough...

james1 — Mon, 25 Jul 2016 13:04:36 GMT

Hi Kiamau,

Thanks for replying. About calling the helplines, I guess it comes down to what you want from them.

For me, it was just a matter of telling my story to someone, so that's what I did. It took a while because my story's quite long, but it was nice just to say it to someone. And in some way, it helped me get used to telling the story so I felt more comfortable talking to friends and my psychologist about it.

I know it's hard to see it this way, but please don't feel like you're burdening anyone with your story. People are there to help and listen, so whenever you feel ready to speak about it, please feel free to reach out to whoever you feel comfortable talking to.

James

I don't think I'm strong enough...

Guest_5218 — Mon, 25 Jul 2016 13:33:55 GMT

Oh Kiamau .. my friend. What can I say? I know there is nothing I can say that is going to help you. And this makes my heart sink. Why is it that the best and most worthy people, always hurt the most? Perhaps because people like you care about others too much, and neglect your own needs for too long.

I would like to say that with regards to therapy that you are currently undergoing, it is fairly normal to feel worse before you start to get better. You have a lot of stuff you are dealing with, and a lot of things to get out of your system. This will take time. Its unfortunate that you have not been able to contact your therapist. I would suggest you keep trying, as a little bit of reassurance and support from her would be warranted right now.

If you are still unable to reach your therapist, then do what James has suggested - call the BB help line. Just talk things through with them. Give them a call, have a chat about anything you choose, and see where that takes you. They will treat you with respect, and they will guide you.

It sounds like you've hit rock bottom Kiamau. I know, and you know, that you are strong. You've always been strong and resiliant. You can get through this again, and come out the other side stronger, happier and more confident. You are not a weak person Kiamau - far from it. It takes great strength to come through as much as what you have done in your 26 years. And you have come through with great dignity and with an amazing empathy for others, as is evidenced by the fact that you have always helped others.

I'm sending a big bearhug through to you Kiamau, and I hope you will receive it and know that I care about you a great deal. I think you are one very special human being. Please take good care of yourself, and keep in touch.

Kiamau, can you do me a favour and go and make that call to the Help Line Kiamau? Its time you thought of yourself for a change, and took care of you first and foremost.

Much love to you,

Sherie xx

I don't think I'm strong enough...

Clues_Of_Blue — Mon, 25 Jul 2016 14:09:45 GMT

Kiamau, you have been through an extraordinary amount of pain and struggle. It's always been eating at you, and now you are confronting it, with EMDR. That sort of confrontation is like driving a van with a bunch of unsecured parcels in the back, and suddenly hitting the brakes; they all fly up to the front and hit you in the head. But sometimes you have to stop the van because the only other alternative is crashing. In that light, a bump on the noggin from some parcels isn't so bad, even though it seems pretty rubbish at the time.

I haven't been through half the things you have, though abuse and infidelity are not strangers to me. Nor is feeling weak and overwhelmed. My last relationship was a troubled one, and leaving was the point of confrontation, for me. Disentangling myself financially was a drawn out process that required quite a bit of contact with him, and it was the hardest thing I've ever done. My depression got worse, I struggled through most days, for months. And if I had to do it all again, I would still make the same choice, because I am finally healing from a wound that festered for years. For you, EMDR is the confrontation, and I honestly believe however you feel now it will be worth it. I know that seems small comfort, but having felt that overwhelming sense of hopelessness myself and having come out the other side for the better, I have a pretty good understanding of the process. As does Sherie, whose experience more closely matches your own. Have you read her thread? Her journey with EMDR is inspiring.

Know that, however dark your tale, it is no burden to us, to hear it. We're here to listen, that's the whole point, and you are worth hearing, worth helping, and we all want to see you heal. Telling your story, to whomever you choose, will help you come to terms with what you've been through, be it here or to a therapist or friend. Even a journal, if you don't trust others at this point.

For what it's worth, I'm on your side, and here to listen.

Blue.

I don't think I'm strong enough...

Lost_Girl — Mon, 25 Jul 2016 14:43:34 GMT

Dear Kiamau,

You have given much light to the cafe, bringing joy to many, showing what a caring soul you have.

The only person you should ever be measured against is yourself.

You have no control over things that happened in the past. So too they have no control over you unless you let them. You are here now, you are safe, you are valued and you are loved.

Tomorrow is a new day Kiamau. Grab a journal and start mapping out how you want the future to look. What are your goals, your dreams, your needs.

I know the emdr is tough. It is a good thing even though painful. It will help you process things you haven't yet and then keep them where they can't hurt you now.

Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of your life Kiamau. What will you make of it?

Kindest thoughts and a hug for you,

Carol

I don't think I'm strong enough...

Guest_1055 — Tue, 26 Jul 2016 00:46:31 GMT

Hey Kiamau

Thinking of you just now and sending out another hug.

Love

Shell xxx

PS I know I don't have to reply to you, but hey....I really want to, because I care about you.

I don't think I'm strong enough...

Carmela — Tue, 26 Jul 2016 02:58:19 GMT

Hi Kiamau,

I just wanted to send you a virtual hug.

It's ok to be vulnerable sometimes. Emotions rise to the surface when we least expect it, testing our resolve. Don't ignore it - acknowledge them and let them fly where they must.

You deserve to be acknowledged and heard. We are here for you, as you have been for others. It's time to receive now Kiamau.

Carmela xx

I don't think I'm strong enough...

Guest_5218 — Tue, 26 Jul 2016 12:00:51 GMT

Hi Kiamau. I just wanted you to know that I have been thinking of you today. We havent heard from you today yet, but I am about to have an early night, and didnt want to miss sending you a quick message in case you came back on this evening. I hope you are feeling a little better today? And if you arent, then please contact the help line. Thats what they are there for. I know you can turn this around. Have faith in yourself, as we all do in you.

Please take care.

Sherie xx

I don't think I'm strong enough...

Solosombra — Wed, 27 Jul 2016 08:58:22 GMT

Thank you guys so much for the support 🙂 I really appreciate it so much.

Ive read all your replys and they all made me smile when I didn't want too 🙂

I promise to call the help line sherie if it gets worse I seem to be ok today.

I hope you are all safe and well 🙂

Love

Kiamau x

I don't think I'm strong enough...

Guest_5218 — Wed, 27 Jul 2016 14:15:44 GMT

Okay Kiamau, thanks for letting us know how you are going. So glad you are feeling a little better. I hope that continues. Was today your day off work? Do you have another session booked with your therapist?

We all care a great deal about you Kiamau, and we all want to see you happy, confident and trusting. I know life has dealt you a bad hand, but I'm so pleased you're such a decent human being in spite (or perhaps because) of it. You are far stronger than you give yourself credit for sometimes. But if you hit another low where you feel the quicksand has a hold of you and is dragging you under, there is always help available. You dont have to do it alone. Call the helpline if things are really bad. And you will always find support from your peers here as well.

Much love and a big hug.

Sherie xx

I don't think I'm strong enough...

Lost_Girl — Wed, 27 Jul 2016 15:31:48 GMT

Goodmorning Kiamau,

Wishing you a day that is a little better than yesterday xx

I don't think I'm strong enough...

Guest_1055 — Mon, 01 Aug 2016 07:59:20 GMT

Hey Kiamau

There is no pressure to reply to me, just know I am thinking of you this evening. Sending out a hello and a hug that's all.

Love

Shell xx

I don't think I'm strong enough...

Solosombra — Tue, 02 Aug 2016 05:40:06 GMT

Afternoon shell 😃 hope you have been well?

sending a big hug back to you

love

Kiamau xx

I don't think I'm strong enough...

Guest_5218 — Tue, 02 Aug 2016 06:02:27 GMT

Hi there Kiamau. Been thinking of you lately, and wondering how you are getting along. As have lots of others here. Is it your day off tomorrow? Do you have plans?

When was your last session of EMDR, and how was it? I hope you havent given it up, as it does get easier. Promise!

Anyway I hope you are okay. I am sending you a big hug also and looking forward to getting one of those beaut hugs of yours back. Ha ha. (-: Me being selfish here.

Much love to you and many kind thoughts.

Sherie xx

I don't think I'm strong enough...

Solosombra — Tue, 02 Aug 2016 06:20:03 GMT

Hey sherrie 😃

Ive been ok and yeah day off tomorrow but my next emdr isnt till friday which is ok! Im gonna stick with it and i trust you that it gets easier 😃.

sending you back a big hug back hope it reaches you.

Hope you have been well? How is your emdr going any progress?

lots of love

Kiamau xx

I don't think I'm strong enough...

Guest_5218 — Tue, 02 Aug 2016 07:01:48 GMT

Thankyou Kiamau. Glad to hear that you are sticking with it. I think you will find that it will get easier as you start to become somewhat desensitized to the memories.

Yep, the hug reached me ........ and it felt good - firm and reassuring.

I've been okay thankyou. My anxiety is a lot better than its been for ages, so thats a good thing. No nightmares in almost 2 weeks, so thats an even better thing. My latest session of EMDR was Thursday week ago. I had hoped it would be the last one, but she wants to see me for one (hopefully) final session in 2 weeks time. By then it will have been 12 two-hour sessions of EMDR (with a bit of CBT thrown into each apt for good measure), which should be enough for anyone I reckon. Since my last appointment I have been feeling very drained emotionally and physically. Thats probably because I've been operating at high anxiety levels for a long time, getting very little sleep, and now its like I can finally take a breath and relax a bit. Like someone else said to me (blue I think) its like I've just gone 'splat'. But overall, I'm okay. Just a temporary emotional low.

Just curious Kiamau .. and please dont answer if you're not comfortable in doing so .. you said at the start of this thread that you were forced into religion early. Did you since rebel against that, or are you still a very religious person? I can imagine that if family connections are also very religious, and it was at the hands of an uncle that you suffered abuse, then it would be understandable if you now consider religion to be sanctimonious bullshit. Although I am not religious myself, I do understand that it can be a great comfort to many. So I am interested to hear if it still is for you. Only if you're comfortable in sharing though. (-:

If I'm not talking to you before your session on Friday - good luck ..... I will be thinking of you.

Sherie xx