topic (TRIGGER WARNING -firearms related) A new flashback after a very long time in PTSD and trauma

(TRIGGER WARNING -firearms related) A new flashback after a very long time

Croix — Sat, 04 Mar 2017 23:25:19 GMT

Dear All~

This post involves putting down animals - please no not read if you think it might upset you.

I'm writing this account in part to because I feel I need to in order to fully accept it, partly so others with PTSD can see what can happen in the future - and perhaps take encouragement. Flashbacks that were much closer in time to the original event were for me overwhelming in many ways. This is a new one, not experienced before and milder. The subject matter may seem silly or trivial to some.

My wife is in the next room.

I used to be a policeman. These events happen around 1980 and whilst I have been able to refer to them in conversation it has always been in a clinical fashion. In the last couple of weeks they have suddenly become 'real' with several occasions where I was fully back there.

One of my duties was to be on-call after hours. At that time the local railway fell in my jurisdiction. On two separate occasions I was rung up
by the public saying that there were injured sheep on the tracks.

On each occasion I went to the area involved, wearing old clothes and located them. Some were in a very bad way, and since I had no possibility of quickly calling a vet I had to put them down. In each case they had been there some time.

To do this I had to use my service revolver and stop to reload before completing the task. I then went home, showered and changed and my wife rang the railways to clear the track.

This is surprisingly hard for me to say. The memory is crystal clear in my mind with sounds and other sensory input, however I will not give any more details, they are not really suitable.

I'm not flashing back, so I guess I'm improving. I am crying.

(TRIGGER WARNING -firearms related) A new flashback after a very long time

Guest_322 — Sat, 04 Mar 2017 23:55:49 GMT

Oh Croix,

I'm probably not the best person to respond (I can easily think of at least 10 other BB members who are more experienced in the PTSD realm, and have greater insight and understanding than me in this area) but I still wanted to write to show some support.

From what I know about you, you're a gentle natured person, and I can't even imagine how traumatic it would have been to have had to put down those animals. You didn't want to do it but basically it wasn't really a choice considering your duties and considering the circumstances.

Let the tears fall. Sometimes crying is just what we need. Better out than in, right?

Sending you a virtual box of tissues for your tears.

Dottie xxx

(TRIGGER WARNING -firearms related) A new flashback after a very long time

Croix — Sun, 05 Mar 2017 00:17:44 GMT

Dear Dottie~

Actually you probably are, experience in PTSD is not everything.

I'm grateful.

No I had no other humane choice, and I know you understand how it was for me.

Thank you

Croix

(TRIGGER WARNING -firearms related) A new flashback after a very long time

Guest_322 — Sun, 05 Mar 2017 00:25:46 GMT

Hi Croix,

I'm glad my clumsy words gave you some small comfort. Granted, I appreciate the limitations of my understanding, and realise that I can't exactly make the horribleness (I'm making up words now) go away but I am here for you.

More virtual tissue boxes coming your way.

Dottie xxx

(TRIGGER WARNING -firearms related) A new flashback after a very long time

Moonstruck — Sun, 05 Mar 2017 00:25:50 GMT

Dear Croix

I feel so deeply for you and this dreadfully painful experience in which you had no choice. Remind yourself that you had no other choice - you were strong, you were brave, you were courageous. You still are.

As Dottie said, there are others much better at saying the correct things to you about this. It's horror....awful...I am so sorry that this happened to you.......life sucks sometimes hey my friend? It's over now...it's not happening any more.

That was a crap thing that happened to you....it's not happening today. Something marvellous will happen today - it already has. Friends have reached out to you here today - that's pretty nice when you think about it.

You've given so much fun, laughter, encouragement and wisdom to others here - it's your turn to cry. When you give a hug, you get a hug...and I need one myself...so here goes...big hug Croix!

(TRIGGER WARNING -firearms related) A new flashback after a very long time

Croix — Sun, 05 Mar 2017 00:41:49 GMT

Dottie

im glad you are here too and your words were not clumsy at all

virtual tissues d o a good job of mopping up real tears.

(TRIGGER WARNING -firearms related) A new flashback after a very long time

Guest_9809 — Sun, 05 Mar 2017 00:42:23 GMT

Hi Croix. I'm sorry this has kind of crept up on you unexpectedly after a long time. These things do that to us sometimes dont they? I sympathise and understand what you would have gone through, if not at the time, then certainly now.

I've spent most of my life on a farm where we had merino sheep for wool production. When I was in my 20's or thereabouts, we had a succession of really bad drought years. There was no feed on the ground, no hay available to purchase, and nobody was buying sheep if you took them into the market to sell. You couldnt give them away, because nobody had any feed. So they were slowly starving, and suffering dreadfully as a result.

There was nothing to be done, other than to humanely put them down. Being on a farm, we had guns of course, for such purposes. But when you are talking about shooting 100's of sheep and dumping them in a gully, its no easy thing, and the memory does stay with you.

All we can really do however, is to remind ourselves why we did it. And the answer is ... in order to save them from needlessly suffering. The vision and memory of it will probably always cause us distress, but just know that you (and I) did what needed to be done. No choice.

I'm sorry you are feeling distressed right now. As you can see above, you have plenty of people who feel for you, and understand what you are going through. Chin up. Kind thoughts to you Mr Walruss.

Mrs Taurus xx

(TRIGGER WARNING -firearms related) A new flashback after a very long time

TBella — Sun, 05 Mar 2017 00:51:39 GMT

Oh Croix, my heart goes out to you.

I can totally see how distressing that would of been for you. I definitely understand how terrorising flash backs can be. I hate how you think you're doing ok & then bam- out of the blue one slaps you in the face & knocks you off your feet.

Its a very frustrating slow on going process.

I know you probably don't like crying but sometimes there is healing in tears.

I read a quote recently: The cure for anything is salt water- tears, sweat & The sea by Isak Dinesen.

I don't really know what to say to bring you some comfort but I just want you to know I'm thinking of you & feel for you.

I hope you find peace & comfort you need at this time.

Kindest thoughts

TBella

(TRIGGER WARNING -firearms related) A new flashback after a very long time

Croix — Sun, 05 Mar 2017 01:10:04 GMT

Dear Mrs Taurus~

I want to thank you, relating that experience from your 20's will have brought things back, I appreciate what you've done for me.

I was surprised at this as my other hard events dealt exclusively with humans, and on reflection over the past few days I think it was the use of a specific tool I never envisaged I would ever have to use and its effects - hard to say things here without being over-specific.

The other thing of course was the condition of the animals and the callousness of the rail staff, though in different circumstances I could have coped with that. (a locomotive cannot be halted in time to prevent such things)

I always know there was an 'inventory' of matters I have always talked about in 'clinical' terms. They are mostly maters relating to events I've already revisited/flashed, however I guess there's still a couple to go, one in particular. I never really realized the significance for talking about things in that fashion.

On the good side my pshrink is pleased (hmm, easy for him to say, wish I was) and as you say I feel supported here, a truly great thing.

Thanks

Croix

(TRIGGER WARNING -firearms related) A new flashback after a very long time

Croix — Sun, 05 Mar 2017 01:27:09 GMT

Dear Moon~

Your care and support warms my heart. Doing this alone would be greatly different matter. People here do care.

I do have wonderful support from my family and my doctor, however this is a special place and here are people that have already been in hard times in their minds - so they can understand a lot, even without suffering quite the same mental condition.

From my experience I can draw comfort from the fact that it is a much less intense experience than the ones I suffered before, and that I come out straight away, in fact I may not be fully 'in'. So I recover at once. I can think about the episode now in detail.

That's part of the reason I posted. At the start one lives with the pressure of knowing episodes will happen, and worry about their severity. Now, after time, for me so far, the occurrences are manageable.

On another matter I saw you had posted in Sara's thread. While I can't speak for her I'm certain you will be welcomed, and whatever you say, even if it does not come out quite as you intended, will be fine. Most everyone needs to talk abut the more serious side at times.

My thanks and appreciation

Croix

(TRIGGER WARNING -firearms related) A new flashback after a very long time

Croix — Sun, 05 Mar 2017 01:38:41 GMT

Dear TBella~

I don't know what to say. Thank you written in plain text on a small screen seem so little.

You do experience similar and I suppose it was to you as well as the others who have this condition that I wrote - well in part. Mostly I guess it was just for me.

I wanted others to know that the well known phrase 'time heals' has a grain of truth in it, at least as far as this experience goes, for me.

I talked to my psychiatrist about the matter -a difficult conversation. I could have used some of Dottie's tissues:)

Anyway he seemed to feel being in the Forum has lessened my internal defenses to the level where some part of me thinks it is ready to cope with matters securely locked away. As I mentioned elsewhere he is pleased and encouraging.

As for crying. I don't mind that much. It is a very different sensation to the one I had all those years ago. This is gentle. I'll look up Isak Dinesen.

Your care is a help

Croix

(TRIGGER WARNING -firearms related) A new flashback after a very long time

TBella — Sun, 05 Mar 2017 02:07:41 GMT

Please take care of yourself!

Be kind to yourself, do something nice to nurture your soul today.

Happy to listen anytime. We here have got your back Croix.

😊

TBella

(TRIGGER WARNING -firearms related) A new flashback after a very long time

dueb — Sun, 05 Mar 2017 04:56:24 GMT

hi croix.

i don't know what to wright.

good on you for sharing,good thinking for posting here,i am very happy to have met you.

tony

(TRIGGER WARNING -firearms related) A new flashback after a very long time

Croix — Sun, 05 Mar 2017 05:39:16 GMT

Dear Tony~

You don't have to write anything, I enjoy and benefit from posts in your thread, that's plenty.

Thank you for your care.

Croix

(TRIGGER WARNING -firearms related) A new flashback after a very long time

Starwolf — Sun, 05 Mar 2017 06:14:46 GMT

Dear Croix, as you know I have been working with animals all my life. My heart naturally goes out to you.

In rescue, in particular, one must deal with euthanasia on a regular basis. I know when I take on one animal for rehab that my choice condemns others to certain death. The mind knows it is what must happen. There's just too many dumped animals and not enough potential good owners.

But the sensitive heart has trouble reconciling with this reality. This mind Vs heart battle is the hardest part of my work, one I never could reconcile with.

I guess those sheep you had to shoot needed to be put out of their misery so you did them a favour. It must have taken guts. You did the right thing by them. Sometimes, killing becomes an act of kindness. Some people can do it without a second thought. Others find it traumatic.

I once was in charge of horse stables. Many horses there belonged to the national Stud and were there because they needed 1 on 1 attention, a difficult lot with varied issues. So we kept a gun on the premises. One of them had a fall that broke his neck. Nothing could be done about it without the FNS's approval. The right person to give it was "not available". No vet would budge without it. So I shot him (and paid the price afterwards). I loved that horse. Anger with management helped get through with it. It was done for the right reason and the mind knew and accepted that -from my perspective- there was no other option. But it didn't go down well at all. Nearly 40 years later, it is still an unpleasant aftertaste. No, I didn't get PTSD because of it but I can easily understand how having to take life can affect a sensitive soul this way. Some of us have this inborn respect for Life, no matter what form it takes.

It has made my life difficult on countless occasions but I still wouldn't change it.

Sometimes, a dreadful action must be taken and we happen to be the one to take it. Thank you Croix for finding the courage to be this person.

Well done for finding the courage to put it out there and share it with us.

(TRIGGER WARNING -firearms related) A new flashback after a very long time

White_Rose — Sun, 05 Mar 2017 06:48:05 GMT

Hello Croix

I too am sad for you. To experience an event of that nature is bad enough, but to relive it one or more times in your mind is really dreadful. When I clicked on your post I had no expectation of feeling anything except sorrow for you. And I do feel for you.

Over the years I have had many animals, usually pets, in my life. I am happy to say the majority died naturally of old age, though one was a snake bite. These were all sad occasions for me and the family, but not traumatic. Sadly I have just remembered the death of one of my dogs. No I'm not going to describe it, it's too horrible. But it was disturbing and cruel and now I am joining you in your tears. What is this feeling of pain that allows us to mourn the deaths of animals and be horrified and overwhelmed by unkindness to the helpless.

I wish I could have an answer. I am pleased however that you feel writing here has helped you. It is a safe place to set free all those times of sadness and pain that we have carried for so long.

Mary

(TRIGGER WARNING -firearms related) A new flashback after a very long time

Croix — Sun, 05 Mar 2017 06:59:54 GMT

Dear Starwolf~

I guess I'm your debt. Relating your story about putting the horse down will have raised a load of horrible memories. I'm so sorry you had to do that.

It's funny in that we have a couple of parallels. I did not have 'official approval' to discharge my firearm and this ended up with matters being passed right up to the very top. Eventually my actions were deemed proper so, apart from waiting, I did not pay any price about that.

As for anger, yes I had a lot after the time, but not during. This was directed towards the driver and guard (yes they had a guard in those days) who were well aware of what was happened but failed to take any action whatsoever. That matter was never resolved. I did not push hard enough. Now apart from blaming myself for not pushing harder I'm just sad, no anger left.

Going to the second occurrence some time later was more difficult, I knew what to expect. I remember being glad there were less that time. I was really angry the next day, when I contacted the appropriate authority I could not stop my voice shaking. Maybe things were disregarded because of that, I don't really know.

Everything has some right to life and senseless suffering is a terrible thing when it can easily be curtailed.

There is more for me, as the actual use of my service firearm made me think of its primary purpose in a way that I had never thought of before, that's not going to leave, if anything it looms larger as I get older.

Thank you Starwolf

Croix

(TRIGGER WARNING -firearms related) A new flashback after a very long time

Starwolf — Sun, 05 Mar 2017 07:02:34 GMT

What is this feeling of pain that allows us to mourn the deaths of animals an be horrified and overwhelmed by unkindness to the helpless

Mary, this thought is shared by other great minds.

"I hold that the more helpless a creature, the more entitled it is to protection by man from the cruelty of man".

Mahatma Gandhi

(TRIGGER WARNING -firearms related) A new flashback after a very long time

Croix — Sun, 05 Mar 2017 07:08:09 GMT

Dear Mary~

I'm a bit ovewhelmed, I"ll write late

(TRIGGER WARNING -firearms related) A new flashback after a very long time

White_Rose — Sun, 05 Mar 2017 07:25:40 GMT

Hello Starwolf

Thank you for the quote and thank you even more for saying this thought is shared by other great minds.

Mary