topic Abused as a child. in PTSD and trauma

Abused as a child.

Guest_322 — Wed, 14 Sep 2016 13:39:16 GMT

Hi,

I'm not sure where to start. Suffice to say, and I don't want to go into the details, that I was abused as a child by a relative. It's a little hard for me to say "abused" as there's a part of me that feels it was all so surreal. Like I had made it up in my head.

Even as I've opened up to select people in my offline life, and they've called it abuse, I still find it hard to believe. I still feel like a drama queen. I mean, it wasn't that bad.

Although I do have a whole range of trust issues and the like, I'm trying, and it's really hard. Trying to trust. Trying to take a chance on people. Trying to get through each day. And right now, trying not to cry because I've uni work to do ha, ha. I suddenly remembered something that my psychologist (have stopped seeing her for a while now) once said about how I missed out on so much as a child. That thought is upsetting.

Anyway, that's enough. I'm getting emotional and I have a lot of uni work to do.

Thanks for reading

Abused as a child.

james1 — Wed, 14 Sep 2016 14:22:29 GMT

Hey Dottie

I saw your name and post title and I just immediately wanted to give you a hug.

You're such a kind person and do not deserve having to deal with the crap that has lingered until now.

I realise you may not feel comfortable talking about it now, but know that I don't think you're a drama queen and whatever happened, we'll always be here to listen to whatever you have to say.

I can see there's a lot of pain underneath and I just wanted to say hi and give you a hug. Perhaps you could schedule a one off appointment with your psychologist if you feel you need to again.

Much love

James

Abused as a child.

BballJ — Wed, 14 Sep 2016 14:47:57 GMT

Hi Dottie,

You are definitely not a drama queen, so please don't think that and as James said we are always here to read and give advice where we all can, I have seen you give advice to people on here so I know you give a lot of strength out which is obviously something you have as well.

I can't imagine what you have been through, regardless of how people perceive it, you know what happened and how it makes you feel. Just always remember you are in control of your destiny and the trust issues you talk about are understanble.

Again to echo James, maybe a one off session with your psychologist may help just to put some things into perspective for you that you're struggling with.

Wish I could be of more help to you but at the minimum always here to hear you talk whenever you need.

my best for you

Jay

Abused as a child.

Zeal — Wed, 14 Sep 2016 15:04:06 GMT

Hi Dottie,

You are a beautiful and caring person, and definitely not a drama queen. What happened to you was unfair, and you deserve to have emotional support. As James and Jay mentioned, having a session with your psychologist soon could benefit you. The beyondblue helpline is always reachable on 1300 22 4636.

I hope you are doing okay Dottie! We are here to talk and listen when you need 🙂

Best wishes,

Abused as a child.

Guest_322 — Thu, 15 Sep 2016 09:46:17 GMT

Hi James, Jay and SM,

Thank you all for your support. I appreciate it more than you may realise. Being here for me, reading and responding helps a LOT especially as it's not something that I can just casually bring up in daily conversation (and wouldn't want to anyway).

This relative passed away from a heart attack about 5 years ago - she was my grandma. I felt sad but also (and this sounds horrible) immense relief. I feel guilty saying that but the relief was and is indescribable. It was like I could breathe again.

Anyway, thank you again. Love you guys!

Dottie x

Abused as a child.

Guest_322 — Thu, 15 Sep 2016 10:54:30 GMT

This song sums up how I feel...

"Fix A Heart" Demi Lovato

It's probably what's best for you
I only want the best for you
And if I'm not the best then you're stuck
I tried to sever ties and I ended up with wounds to bind
Like you're pouring salt in my cuts

And I just ran out of band-aids
I don't even know where to start
'Cause you can bandage the damage
You never really can fix a heart

Even though I know what's wrong
How could I be so sure
If you never say what you feel, feel
I must have held your hand so tight
You didn't have the will to fight
I guess you needed more time to heal

Baby, I just ran out of band-aids
I don't even know where to start
'Cause you can bandage the damage
You never really can fix a heart

Ooh, ooh
Whoa, whoa
Yeah
Ooh, ooh
Whoa, whoa
Whoa, whoa
Oh, oh
Yeah

You must be a miracle worker
Swearing up and down
You can fix what's been broken, yeah
Please don't get my hopes up
No, no, baby, tell me how could you be so cruel?

It's like you're pouring salt on my cuts

Baby, I just ran out of band-aids
I don't even know where to start
'Cause you can bandage the damage
You never really can fix a heart

Baby, I just ran out of band-aids
I don't even know where to start
'Cause you can bandage the damage
You never really can fix a heart
Oh no, no, no
You never really can fix a heart
Oh no, no, no
You never really can fix a heart
Oh-oh, oh, oh-oh yeah-oh, oh, oh, oh
You never really can fix my heart

Abused as a child.

blondguy — Thu, 15 Sep 2016 13:04:49 GMT

Hi DottieSorry for the late response....I just read your post Your soul
is gold Dottie. You have an innate sense of clarity &
caring combined with being a beautiful person. You have never been or
will be a drama queen....

you will never be alone 🙂

(Hugs)

Paulx

Abused as a child.

BballJ — Thu, 15 Sep 2016 13:13:31 GMT

Hi Dottie,

Always welcome and i'm glad you take something from the replies, I understand how good it feels just to have a response from someone who just hears what you are trying to say and that's the goal of this place which is why I love it.

I haven't been through anything remotely close to what you are describing but I can feel it through your post if that makes sense and I can understand the relief you would of felt after the event you speak of took place... when you suffer from depression or anxiety when you get those clouds removed from above you.

Keep your head up Dottie and as usual always here just to talk.

Many regards,

Jay

Abused as a child.

Guest_322 — Thu, 15 Sep 2016 19:54:07 GMT

Hi,

Thank you Paul and Jay. I appreciate the kindness immensely!

And Jay, I really like how you compared my relief to clouds overhead parting. That's a beautiful way to put it.

Growing up, my grandma lived with my parents and I in the same house. I shared a room with her for the first 10 years of my life (till we extended the house).Throughout the whole family, she was known for her bad temper and violence. My dad and his siblings (my aunt and uncles) suffered a lot when they were growing up.

My family was somewhat dysfunctional. My dad had a bizarre, co-dependent relationship with my grandma. I mean, despite how she had physically abused him when he was a child, they continued to live together even after he got married and had me. By that stage, he was physically much bigger than my grandma so she didn't dare lay a hand on him. Instead, they just argued almost everyday. Plus she had a new, smaller target (me) to fixate on.

If you're wondering why my parents didn't intervene. Well, even if it might not sound that way, I think they did the best they could. My dad was still nursing childhood wounds and unable to let go of his unhealthy, destructive relationship with my grandma. My mum was depressed and lost in her own head.

They were, in their own ways, 2 hurt people.It was basically just a dysfunctional family situation with 2 hurt parents. I'm not saying that it was okay that they didn't step in (I wish they had) but I think sometimes there are shades of grey in life. My parents, especially my dad, were in a lot of pain themselves. The whole thing was just messed up.

The enormity of the whole situation didn't hit home till after grandma passed away. I remember being furious when people said how wonderful she was at her funeral.

Sorry if this is too much.

Dottie x

Abused as a child.

BballJ — Thu, 15 Sep 2016 22:41:57 GMT

Hi Dottie,

Firstly, thank you for opening up a little more and sharing the story, it must of been hard to write so to get it out is a very good show of strength so kudos on that.

It is a very detailed story and one that in reality shouldn't have happened but it seems your whole family had dealt with it at one point, which can be comforting in an unusual way because it isn't directed personally at you. If you have seen my posts around the forums, I try to find the positives in all situations as I truly believe finding them can give you a breath of fresh air and you won't even realize it... one positive i'd point out is that yes it has effected you over the years on a mental level, but I feel you haven't let it take over you life... you seem to have built a foundation on it and realize yes it was not right what happened but you are trying to grow from it and the first sign of that is, you are here talking about. I understand from you first post you said you had a hard time trusting people, but I find that comes with time.... A slight background on me, My mother left our family when I was 18 years old, just went on a holiday and never came back, just stayed overseas. That ruined me and is the biggest root of my anxiety which I am working through with my psychologist currently. I point this out because like you, I found it so hard to trust people and open up to them because I was destroyed. 10 years later I have dealt with so much anxiety issues it finally reached a breaking point and I seeked the help I needed, I just wish I found this site a little earlier cause its helped a lot too. Moral of this story and I apologise for distracting from your story but I eventually learnt to start trusting people again, I am now married when once I never thought it would happen because I found it hard to trust and thought the person I married would leave, I worked through it.

End of the day, You, your dad and your mum have dealt with so much and are dealing with it in your own ways... I'd like to think they are taking something from your strength which I can see through your posts. It may not feel like it to you but I can tell you are strong and that is a great thing to have. I hope you find the closure on the whole situation soon because your past definitely doesn't need to define your future.

Sorry for the long winded post, and as always, my best for you and your family.

Jay

Abused as a child.

james1 — Thu, 15 Sep 2016 23:26:00 GMT

Hey Dottie

It sounds like there's still a lot of raw feeling from these memories which is unsurprising given they are still recent and the funeral a few years back would've served as a reminder.

Like Jay said, your past doesn't have to define your future but I also understand if now isn't the right time for you. Some things are healed by time, albeit slowly, while others need to be talked through in the right way with someone you trust like a psychologist or counsellor. I don't know what this one is, but I'm just glad you've given us a glimpse into what was a horrible experience for you growing up.

Your thoughts and feelings are always welcome, just as your wonderful and measured words of advice and support are on other people's threads including my own.

Thanks for being you, and I saw your post about Fight Song which I unashamedly listen to on repeat; go forth and take back that life which was stolen in your childhood. You deserve it.

James

Abused as a child.

Guest_322 — Fri, 16 Sep 2016 06:40:35 GMT

Jay and James,

Thank you both so much! Unfortunately I'm at uni on a Friday ha, ha. I'll write a proper response later.

I've dealt with some of it with my pscychologist (not seeing her at the moment) but I might still have some unfinished business to deal with...

In Cheryl Strayed's words, "You don't have a right to the cards you believe you should have been dealt. You have an obligation to play the hell out of the ones you're holding."

Those words help keep me together a bit. I'll be alright in time...just processing.

Dottie x

Abused as a child.

Solosombra — Fri, 16 Sep 2016 11:49:16 GMT

Dottie

first off good for you for posting i know myself how hard it is to post up about these things.

I myself come from what most would call a dysfunctional family which resulted in childhod trauma and trust issues also.

I was also abused by a elder family member who has since passed and like you i had a sense of reflief when i found out and didnt realise the amount of fear and resentment i was carrying around.

perhaps in starting this thread you will feel it weighing less on you and the days and nights will become easier to deal with?

Hoping the best for you

Kiamau

Abused as a child.

Guest_322 — Sat, 17 Sep 2016 03:35:24 GMT

Hi Kiamau,

Thank you so much. Your support means a lot. I know you've been through a lot. I appreciate that you get where I'm coming from. Yeah, the healing is a process indeed.

And you too, I hope the best for you too and that one day, it will hurt a little less.

Dottie

Abused as a child.

Guest_322 — Sat, 17 Sep 2016 11:31:57 GMT

Hi Jay,

Wow, thank you so much for that really moving post. Your support means a lot.

I can't even imagine the hurt and feelings of abandonment that you must have felt when your mum upped and left. Her actions definitely left a mark.

You clearly have come a long way and I realise it was no walk in the park. It must have been a painful journey to get to where you are now. Much respect for that.

Yeah, it is oddly comforting to know that my grandma's actions weren't strictly personal. Basically anyone who had the misfortune of being related and in close proximity to her suffered.

Thanks for saying that. I feel like an odd mix of extremely fragile but also steel-like at the same time.

It's hard for me to let people in. Trust issues aside, my psychologist used to often point out how I had "emotionally raised yourself (myself)" in the sense that lacking emotional support from my parents, I learnt to lean on myself. I learnt to be my own support system, because as a child, I couldn't turn to my troubled parents. I had friends but it's not something you can just casually bring up in conversation with another child.

But I'm trying. Taking more risks. Small steps like admitting I'm having a rough day to friends.

Thanks a mill again!

Dottie

Abused as a child.

Guest_322 — Sat, 17 Sep 2016 11:38:57 GMT

Hi James,

I always look forward to seeing your name on replies to either my own or other people's threads.

I'm glad you're enjoying Fight Song too. It's a great song.

Honestly, I don't know why I suddenly felt the need to get my story out there. Maybe I had bottled it up for too long.

Thanks for all the love and support. You're a star!

Dottie x

Abused as a child.

blondguy — Sat, 17 Sep 2016 11:43:34 GMT

Hi Dottie

excuse me for sticking my 'beak' in.....I just read something that you wrote that really got my attention...and if I may quote you..."I feel like an odd mix of extremely fragile but also steel-like at the same time"

I hear you loud and clear on that one! You just summed up my current feelings as per my own situation as well as your own. So well written 🙂

You are a legend Dottie....(can I borrow that quote?)

Self expression will never be an issue for you! Paulx

Abused as a child.

Guest_322 — Sat, 17 Sep 2016 14:06:53 GMT

Hi Paul,

Aw thank you! Your post made my night. Sure, go ahead and "borrow" away ha, ha. I'm glad my you can relate to some of my feelings/words.

Thanks again,

Dottie x

Abused as a child.

blondguy — Sat, 17 Sep 2016 14:51:59 GMT

Hey Dottie 🙂

I have been researching anxiety/depression since 1983 since my first mega attack. Its rare to see a few words that are so meaningful and descriptive. Please send me your bill 🙂 I would be proud to pay it

"I feel like an odd mix of extremely fragile but also steel-like at the same time"

Thats a keeper!

My Best

Paulx

Abused as a child.

Guest_322 — Tue, 20 Sep 2016 03:24:53 GMT

Hi Paul,

No worries at all. You can borrow any of my words. I feel honoured that you find meaning/comfort from them 😊

Dottie x