topic The thoughts that haunt in PTSD and trauma

The thoughts that haunt

A_Penitent_K — Wed, 18 Jan 2017 07:57:55 GMT

I'll just start. I suppose some perspective is necessary here. About 6 months ago I had steady employment, it wasn't challenging, perhaps a little boring and filled with the kind of sordid banality that can only exist in modern offices. But it had routine and that is it turns out was unreasonably important. An inflection occurred in September when I was at a conference and presented some things I had been working on. I gave a presentation on phenomena I thought everyone new about, I was wrong and this turned into an offer of employment with a specialist company. No sane person turns down employment that comes to you with little effort. Especially when it's with a global specialist firm. However this work require me to travel and be away from home. This has been my utter undoing.

The last 6 months have been agony. I have consistent and ever present anxiety about the upcoming work away from home. It is all consuming and requires Sisyphean mental gymnastics to keep it at bay. The fear and sadness of being away from home is totally crippling, a large portion of my day is spent controlling the fear and the overwhelming sadness. The raw mental horsepower required to maintain a semblance of function in society is unbelievable. By the end of the day, I am spent, gone. I have no energy for even the most basic tasks, it's all spent on managing the sadness and fear. Little processing power is available for anything else. To add morbid insult to injury, the anxiety sadness and fear is ever present now. Fear and crippling sadness knowing that I am going and fear and sadness when I am away.

There is a component of self loathing of course. I feel like I should have had more insight into my emotional well being criteria. I had my child hood in the Balkans, right at the time when the entire Balkan region was going through a process of self immolation. A lot of the horrors I have seen will accompany my to my grave. I was Diagnosed with PTSD when I first came to Australia, but I have since managed to control it. This is possibly where the requirement for routine came in. Of course now it’s a wonderful chemical cocktail of PTSD and Anxiety and whatever else is going on in the 1,500CC of salty porridge I have residing in my skull.

I am writing this maybe for posterity, maybe as an exercise in self-exorcism. An attempt to externalise the thoughts. I want to quit, I am so very tired of this self torment.

The sadness and fear on repeat without respite.

The thoughts that haunt

Croix — Thu, 19 Jan 2017 00:07:58 GMT

Dear A_Penitent_K~
First off your post – thank you. Try to look at it as the start of opening up a chink in that grey unhappy vista that has, at the moment, become your life.

There are many here who want to help – some with experiences that, while not identical, are close enough to talk with understanding.

I’m an ex-policeman. Invalided out many years ago with PTSD, and other stress related disorders including chronic anxiety, depression, no self-esteem, self blame and other things – the list went on.

So we come to an encouraging bit – though I’m going to say it in a weird way. If you look at my avatar over on the left you will see a walrus. I chose it for a variety of similarities to myself, including the fact that both walruses and I can only live in a restricted area in this world, the animal bound by ocean temperature, food and mating sites. I’m limited by my mental condition. If I consistently go outside my ‘comfort zone’ the wheels will fall off.

You have done just that. The price you are paying to keep that job is paid in the coin of anguish and torment – no job is worth that, no matter what the financial and intellectual bonuses.

Retreat. It’s that simple. I tried to go out – I had pretty much the same experience as you. Admittedly it took a while when I did return to a more limited life for things to settle down.

I unfortunately did not receive treatment for my condition as it developed and when the crisis came it was that much harder to fix. In fact very many years later I am still a work in progress.

Hope for you: I must emphasize that I have a happy and fulfilling life, family is supportive and means a great deal. Therapy and medication help. The work I do provides fulfillment, and I’m still inside those restrictive bounds of my ‘comfort zone'.

The chemical porridge in your brain can be calmed, mine was. There are still unhappy times with images too pervasive, anxieties that try to dominate, but overall life is very well worth living.

In this first conversation I’m not going to try to tell you about treatments or resources except as follows:

In you need the warmth of a human caring voice you can ring the our own 24/7 helpline (1300 22 4636), the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 65 9467), or of course Lifeline (13 11 14).

How you retreat to a better life is on your judgment – you are the expert on the spot.

Please post again and say more

Croix

The thoughts that haunt

Neil_1 — Thu, 19 Jan 2017 02:01:36 GMT

Hi there A_P_K

And like Croix did, I too would like to welcome you to Beyond Blue and I must say, I had to look up a couple of words in your post … beautifully written and expressed.

Croix has responded with a very helpful post and I found a few things there that was said, that I too was going to mention, so I hopefully can also try and add my own spin on things.

The steady employment that you had (6 months ago) … is there any chance/opportunity of you to be able to go back there? And leading up to this change, do you feel that all things were on a reasonably comfortable path for you? Ie: you had no inkling of what was to come?

Of recent times, have you been to see a professional (GP) and to discuss your situation and how you’re feeling, etc? This could be a very helpful thing to follow up on?

Would love to hear back from you.

Neil

The thoughts that haunt

MarkJT — Thu, 19 Jan 2017 04:47:35 GMT

A_Penitent_K, welcome to the forums mate. What a great post yours is and so wonderfully put. I can relate to much of your story having PTSD, depression and anxiety.

The above advice is spot on so i will touch on something else.

I used to have horrific nightmares and flashbacks of trauma scenes i went to as I am a policeman. They caused a great deal of stress. What you had to endure and see throughout the troubled times in the Balkans, no one should have to go through that.

What I did was undertake a supervised course of exposure therapy. It is certainly not an easy thing to do as you are reliving the horrors of your past in explicit detail but what it did for me was take the power out of the images that i had seen. Although, like you, i will live with those memories forever but as the power was taken out of them, they no longer cause me stress.

A mate of mine had EMDR and that has worked for him. I didn't experience this type of treatment but by all accords, the research is good on it.

They are just a couple of treatments you can have for PTSD but i would discuss this with a qualified clinician first. They are not something to undertake lightly.

Are you seeing a psych currently?

Keep engaging with us in here mate and we will do our best to help guide you through this journey that you are on.

Mark.

The thoughts that haunt

A_Penitent_K — Thu, 19 Jan 2017 09:37:33 GMT

Thank you for replying, the replies I have received here are more than I could have reasonably expected. You gentlemen in the police force, I can only imagine what you good people have to go through.

The thought of quitting occurred to me incredibly often. I know it the relief it would be bring would be immediate and total. However I am convinced that the relief would be temporary. It is not a field I can let go of so easily. The reputation damage of quitting a respected company such as this in the space of less than 6 months, would undo a decade of labour. It would likely result in the premature death of my career. I would never go as far as suggesting that I would like to define my life by my career. No doubt the end result would probably be an exercise in measuring just how deep a trench of misery I can dig for myself. Of course up to this point my coping mechanism has been to bottle all my negative emotions deep down. So they can quietly fester away into mental illness.

I have a referral to a psychologist, which I am seeing next week. I am hoping against hope that he can provide some semblance of relief or coping mechanisms, so i don't feel like I am slowly going insane. To make it through the end of the year with the anchor of reality still firmly attached to the bedrock.

It helps to know that you've all had some success in conquering this.

Once again I thank you Neil1, MarkJt and Croix for posting.

The thoughts that haunt

MarkJT — Thu, 19 Jan 2017 10:13:23 GMT

A_Penitent_K, you're welcome mate. Very happy to hear that you have a psych appointment next week.

Be real interested to hear how you go. All of us have walked in your shoes and all of us have had clinical treatment so you are definitely heading down the right path.

Make sure you open right up to the psych. It is not easy to do but they are the experts so if you are going to get the best value out of it, they have to know the full story. Even if you think it is a small matter, it may not be so unload and get it all off your chest.

Hope to hear from you again.

Cheers mate.

Mark.

The thoughts that haunt

Croix — Thu, 19 Jan 2017 21:57:01 GMT

Dear A_Penitent_K~
I’m glad you posted back. I did not reply straight away but took the night to think about it. I have no pipeline to wisdom but have several things you might find useful

First is that I hold out great hope for you and think your journey may well lead to a measure of peace

Secondly that it may be a more dangerous path than you realize and you should be equipped in advance to deal with the pitfalls that may, in the form of despair, await

Before I try to explain however - your references to regret, _K and that famous punishment. I’m not sure my blundering in that area would be helpful

You have a deal of determination, which can only help. Seeing a health professional is great, normally such matters involve, if you do not already know, therapy, self-help and possibly medication. As Mark says it is vital to interact fully with them

My experiences were different than yours

First is that mine took place within the confines of ordered society, not where it had broken down and no restraints remained. Your experiences there have left their legacy, ones which gnaw at you

The second difference is that your circumstances have changed, you no longer have to return to that environment - I would have, so my attitude to what to do will be different

Like you I had a great ‘investment’ in my occupation. It was a complete life, status and identity. I could not conceive of any other - I was wrong

PTSD, Depression & Anxiety skew the thinking, so any decisions you do make whilst under their influence are possibly suspect

You have not mentioned family or others you love or hold in esteem. Is there anyone who has understanding and can give support? Without family support I might not be here.

You need, unless you already have it all, information on your existing mental illnesses.
There’s a lot on The Facts menu above, dealing with anxiety, depression, suicide. Also in browsing the PTSD, Suicidal thoughts and self-harm, Depression & Anxiety sections of this Forum. Join in should you wish

You need a safety plan (see above) probably incorporating an app:-
https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/beyondnow-suicide-safety-planning
We suggest you pre-configure the app in conjunction with others, possibly you family, and psychologist or other professional

If you’d like your safety net can include talking here, you will always find understanding and empathy

Croix

The thoughts that haunt

A_Penitent_K — Mon, 23 Jan 2017 03:07:54 GMT

Once again thank you gents.

The roller coaster is quiet something. You may experience two days of general well being and be deluded into thinking that your managing it. Yet it only takes a moment to be disavowed of that delusion.

I do have a wife, who is infinitely caring and supportive. However her notion of the landscape I find myself in, is much like my notion of the arctic.

I understand that it exists in an abstract sense, but having never visited, I have no understanding
of the terrain. Also how many times can you go over the same terrain, have the same conversation, and not be any closer to understanding? And yet expect the people around to repeat that journey with you a seemingly infinite number of times?

Will keep you all posted!

The thoughts that haunt

MarkJT — Mon, 23 Jan 2017 03:59:09 GMT

A_Penitent_K, yes you are correct that the PTSD landscape changes from day to day but after a while of going over bumps, you begin to know them. Once you know what you are in for, it makes it a tad easier to deal with.

A bad day used to send me down the gurglar but now if i wake up and feel ordinary. I know exactly what to do. I make sure i exercise, I make sure i drink lots of water, I make sure that i do my calming exercises and i am kind to myself. I don't put pressure on myself at all.

I know it is going to pass - I just have to surf the wave of emotions that have come in.

I am of the opinion that it is dam near impossible to explain to such an extent that someone who has never experienced it, actually understands it. We understand it because we have and still are to an extent walking in your shoes.

The support you have is the main thing and it is fantastic that you have it.

You will get used to the feelings and emotions. You will get to know them very well and you will figure out how you will handle them when they arrive.

Mark.

The thoughts that haunt

Croix — Tue, 24 Jan 2017 09:46:40 GMT

Dear A_Penitent_K

Thank you for coming back with an update on your life, I hope we are helping. I notice you helped too elsewhere. I guess a start of common purpose in some ways - am I being presumptuous?

The snake lies coiled
Hidden, it waits beneath
like a frost-covered field

Well yes, you could describe PTSD that way, though not so much of the hidden. I can only relate my own experiences but we have face similar situations.

For example on Saturday evening I answered a post that triggered a scene I have visited many times before. I logged off and made a drink, started a 'comfort' movie. My wife came home, I told her of my situation and she took me to the movies. By the time the showing was over I was back to "normal".

What can I say out of this? Well first even after umpteen years the 'snake' will strike - though I'm pretty good at identifying potential situations now - obviously not good enough:) Second I've developed self-awareness and can see what is happening to me and take remedial action - at the start I just endured, no self-awareness..

Third my wife understands how to combat my feelings - effectively. While she loves and supports me there is no explaining the internal landscape, and after so many years I think there is really no need. I say words to the effect of "I am going down" or "I hurt" and she responds.

Other symptoms are treated with other coping mechanisms. I dare say if I had sought help when I should matters would be somewhat better now.

I hope you've found some decent medical support and am glad you talked about keeping us posted.

Take care

Croix

The thoughts that haunt

A_Penitent_K — Mon, 30 Jan 2017 02:23:43 GMT

Croix,

No presumption necessary, all visitors to these pages are all sheltering under a terrible mountain. So if I can help someone find away over or around, that is service enough.

An update,

I had no pretences in my first appointment, primarily due to never having been in one. I can admit, without too much hesitation, that there were moments when I questioned what exactly I was doing there? Surely I am just
wasting everyone’s time? There was a moment where I thought I’d convinced myself that I was fine and that I just needed to go home, maybe have a drink
and get on with it.

Maybe, maybe not, but I am learning to not be astonished with the minds ability that even when it’s so deep in some hole to still look for Gold somewhere down there.

In any case all those delusion were quickly dispelled in the first fifteen minutes of conversation. Of course you think it’ll be difficult to talk about situations, or in the very least tiring of revisiting the same conversation
you’ve had countless times before. But it wasn’t, it was a relief, even if temporary, it was a relief.

I was hoping against hope that maybe one visit was all I needed to iron out the wetware in my head.

I understand, at least now, that I am on a very long road. I am hoping that there is peace at the end of this road.

At least I’ve learned that insight into a situation is not the same as a cure.

The thoughts that haunt

Croix — Mon, 30 Jan 2017 07:30:38 GMT

Dear A_Penitent_K~

I'm glad you are back, I wondered how you went. No fresh references to play with in your post - good I guess.

An encouraging post, more 'settled', a tad less pain?

So if I can help. I found that by turning my affliction to good use and telling my story to others, they responded. That helps me as well as them. I've changed a lot since first coming to the Forum. I thought it was just inside here, but my wife & son assure me it's outside as well. There's some sort of magic in here I guess (no I don't really believe in magic). Maybe it will affect/infect you too in time.

I hate it when people tell me how well off I am, so I'm going to spread the misery and point out your gold.

I do have a wife, who is infinitely caring and supportive

I found that my recovery would not have been possible without my wife, she shouldered the burdens when I was useless and anti-social

However I am convinced that the relief would be temporary. It is not a field I can let go of so easily.

Intelligence, self-knowledge, determination.

You'll need them all, but you have them.

But it wasn’t, it was a relief, even if temporary, it was a relief.

Therapy is going to work, no antagonism, no denial, realism.

I am on a very long road. I am hoping that there is peace at the end of this road

Hope will be met. I found that peace (well >80%?), and not all that long road was a 'terrible mountain'. It became livable quite quickly.

I don't need to go on do I, you have at least as many brains as I do and can see for yourself.

BTW as an aside I disagree about 'wetware', this implies a logical software-like mechanism. Until it is fully understood this is at best an assumption, not allowing in theory the unanticipated - how about sticking with porridge? (& no I'm not in the slightest religious, though brought up in a most religious environment.)

I do have a suggestion, A_Penitent_K, if you are willing. So far you have basically talked about your illness and just a little about other matters.

Perhaps you might consider broadening the conversation, say your interests, maybe about your family, about things you have enjoyed. I'd be happy to reciprocate.

Take care of yourself

Croix

The thoughts that haunt

MarkJT — Mon, 30 Jan 2017 09:00:05 GMT

A_Penitent_K, what i have taken the most out of your post is a massively important one, "I understand, at least now, that I am on a very long road". This to me is one of the hardest things to get across in your mind.

Once, well it was for me, that decision was made that there is no quick fix, rather a sustained period of hard work and treatment before I get my life back, I felt pretty calm. I kind of knew what was in front of me.

You really sound like you have had an enlightening moment and that is so cool. Wisdom, wisdom is gold. You get to know your triggers, your moods and what keeps you grounded. Up up and away!

So happy for you.

Mark.

The thoughts that haunt

A_Penitent_K — Mon, 06 Feb 2017 07:11:30 GMT

Thanks for the posts gents, much appreciated.

Funny; how it seems that Mondays are the hardest. I am yet
trying to understand why the anxiety is at its absolute peak on Mondays, then
seems to abate as Friday afternoon comes around.

Broadening the conversation, well let’s see.

I enjoy motorcycles (who doesn’t?) and am in the process
of restoring a ’75 twin. It’s a project I have dedicated some time to; I keep
coming back to it. I think the effort required to work on a motorcycle takes
you of yourself and in order to work on it properly, you have to place the
machine in front of your needs. At the moment this has taken an aside, I would
like to say that it was life, maybe it was, maybe it wasn’t.

I also enjoy sailing, I’ve been doing that often. Total
escape and the feeling of just knowing you can go anywhere you want, is
freeing.

Reading is also a constant companion, I like to do that as
much as possible and always have a book beside me.

The thoughts that haunt

Croix — Mon, 06 Feb 2017 09:19:36 GMT

Dear A_P_K~

Sorry for the abbreviation of your name, the 'penitient' bit jars me I'm afraid - I know you chose it, put it down to dissatisfaction with my distant religious upbringing.

You sound in control and composed. I feel glad for you (and yes I know myself there are ups & downs).

On Mondays, well I guess there is a cause, you might be able to ferret it out, then again it might not be obvious. So the productive thing to do -why am I telling you, you will have worked it out already - is to combat the buildup with good lifestyle, exercise, distraction, self-help - BTW have you tried the "Smiling Mind" app?

If you are back home clean the carbs & tune them on your 2-cylinder. Getting them in balance will probably be absorbing. I once has a bike with 4, boy was that a pain, each with it's own cable. Or try re-spoking a wheel, hours of fun.

Sailing is fine, though I doubt one can just duck out the back door and get instant relief - perhaps on Sundays prior to Mondays?

All not much help if you are still away from home. Books sound good.

Frankly books were one of my saviors (still are). When I was at my worst I read adolescents' fantasy, later slightly older fantasy, now adult fantasy plus lots of others - all with happy endings. Comfort reading.

At the start concentration was a big issue. A strange concept for me as I'd always been an avid reader of catholic tastes.

As time and practice took hold they were my retreat and strengthening place. They still are. If I'm ever completely cured I'll be able to go back to reading anything, as true to life as one gets - but not now - Angela's Ashes etc are dusty on the shelf.

Do you find you can retreat into the world of a book and submerge all in it?

I guess I'd like to know how the psychologist is panning out, has a good strategy, all planned out, homework? As Mark may have said getting the right person is vital, they must be understanding, on your side, and also be 'going somewhere'. If you end up with CBT or similar you may feel completely 'wrung out' by the end of a session and be grateful for someone to drive you home.

Thank you for seeing through the text to me and broadening the conversation, all meds and therapies is fine, but a little leavening makes it palatable.

Do you mind saying what sort of books or authors you prefer?

Take care of yourself

Croix

The thoughts that haunt

MarkJT — Mon, 06 Feb 2017 09:36:25 GMT

A_Penitent_K, if you like reading and enjoy sailing you should get yourself a copy of Alan Sparkes's book, "The Cost of Bravery". It is an amazing read of a police officer who went to the brink and has found light again. He went sailing and then sailed some more, like half way around the world and more.

I loved the book as it really spells out that no matter how low we go, we can make it back.

I am not a fan of motorbikes but being an ex mechanic can understand the love of a project. I would so love to one day have an old convertible Mustang to do up. One day!!

Even though the bike is one the side, can you give an amount of time to a specific area of it? Say for a car for me, I might concentrate on the wheels that day. Nothing to big but just enough to keep me occupied. Do it up little by little instead of a full time job.

Mark.

The thoughts that haunt

A_Penitent_K — Tue, 07 Feb 2017 02:54:21 GMT

Hi Croix

Rest assured that I share same aversion to all things
religious. Penitent, regretful, remorseful, contrite, rueful all seemed
appropriate when picking a name for a site like this.

I am glad I can place a façade of control. This week isn’t
turning out a particularly good one. And for no discernible reason really,
other than that’s what my mind has decided is a reasonable state. It’s tiring
maintaining a façade though. Tiring for two reasons, one it genuinely is
exhausting maintaining control. The second of course is a constant self-criticism
and needle like introspection to find out exactly what is wrong and extinguish
it. But of course, everywhere you look there is nothing to be found.

Thanks, I have heard of the smiling mind app, but have never
looked deep into it, I know there are several ones. Like 10% happier and
headspace. These are obviously tools I must begin using. It’s just deciding on
which one is the best. I am particularly interested in the work of Joseph
Goldstein, I’ve downloaded his app [10% happier]. I’ll keep you posted about
the results.

Yeah balancing carbs is not for the faint hearted. I am in
the machining everything phase, the research to find someone competent is
calming. You’re right, sailing is not something you can just easily pick and go
with, it takes a day to prepare.

No dissent from me; books have always been my saviour. I
totally understand the fantasy thing. I have that with certain TV shows [Sherlock
is currently medicine]. For some reason after watching the show I am genuinely
o.k for a little bit. I have never been much of a fiction reader, I am always
reading non-fiction books. Sometimes book work sometimes they don’t, I think it
doesn’t work as well in non-fiction, it’s hard to focus sometimes. Currently
the works of Marcus Aurelius and Epictetus are helping me through the day,
though ancient are strangely applicable to my/our situation. I like all non-fiction
and read as widely as I can. It’s been hard recently to focus, so my reading
has slowed down drastically.

I’ve just had one session with the psych so far. My next is
on Saturday. No strategy yet, the psych were taken aback when you present all
the facts bare like that. I think they may have to sit down and work through
everything I’ve said. It was just me talking and the psych asking questions. I
aim to keep you up to date through the process.

The thoughts that haunt

A_Penitent_K — Tue, 07 Feb 2017 02:54:53 GMT

Hi Mark

Thank you for the book recommendation, I will certainly read
it. Really appreciate it.

Yes an old mustang would be something, wouldn’t it???

I have been working through it, little by little. Just focusing
on one thing at a time to keep me occupied.

Thanks for the talk gents!

The thoughts that haunt

MarkJT — Tue, 07 Feb 2017 06:41:48 GMT

A_Penitent_K, no worries mate. When you are working on your bike, how does that make you feel? Is it relaxing? Do you get frustrated with anything? I think it would be a really good hobby rather than a job where you have to get things done by a certain time sort of thing.

Exit Wounds is another great book by Major General John Cantwell (ADF). Warning though this book contains plenty of pretty real stories from war. Is a brilliant book to read though.

Cheers

Mark.

The thoughts that haunt

A_Penitent_K — Wed, 08 Feb 2017 23:18:49 GMT

Hey Mark,

Sometimes it’s relaxing and I develop a certain tunnel
vision where that’s the only thing I am aware of. More often however the
anxiety sits in the background of whatever task I am performing and is ever
present.

I am yet to develop coping strategies for the anxiety.

Thanks for the other book recommendation, appreciate it.