topic PTSD .... in PTSD and trauma

PTSD ....

Josh83 — Mon, 08 Feb 2016 00:40:28 GMT

So I've started seeing a psyc to help me with somethings which turned out what all around my PTSD. My wife recently left me because of this which turned out to be a good thing because now I'm getting help.

but seriously this last week has been shit the constant crying and i cannot control it trying not to break down now and the dam train

I'm thinking of getting some medication to help me with it but I'm just not sure

ky background is I've been a cop for 9 years both country and metro service still in the job and love it but I just need to sort my shit out

feel like I have no control on my life at the moment

PTSD ....

Starwolf — Mon, 08 Feb 2016 01:55:43 GMT

Hi Josh,

Well done for seeing a therapist to help investigate your stressful head space. Yours is an occupation which puts you regularly in contact with the worst humankind (?) has to offer. The war on crime can inflict serious wounds. Society owes you a debt of gratitude.

Past traumas leave deep scars on our psyche. Often, professional help is necessary to help us confront and evict the ghosts of our past which are haunting our present life. This confrontation is always painful at first as it brings back all sorts of negative feelings. This usually causes floods of tears and a lot of additional stress. It is the reason why many give up at an early stage. (Letting stirred mud settle back at the bottom can be tempting!). However, this is a normal, necessary phase. It will pass, perseverance will reap its rewards. You will not regret this courageous first step.

I perceive a lot of strength in you. In spite of the loneliness and heartbreak caused by marriage breakdown, you still manage to acknowledge the silver lining at the edges of the proverbial cloud. Hang in there. You will regain control. Step by step.

Navigating your way around these forums, you will realize that you are far from alone. Here at BB, understanding and support are available....and you are in full control of how to use this safe space.

So welcome on board and a cyber hug (if you will allow it).

PTSD ....

Ladyhawke — Mon, 08 Feb 2016 03:55:33 GMT

Hi Josh,

Welcome to 'beyondblue' - an organisation which has had a very positive impact on me and for which I'm very grateful. You are part of a very supportive and caring community whose only concern is for the welfare of others.

I'm so very sorry that you're in a state of such distress. Your job is a tough one; you are one of the wider community's heroes and I believe I speak for many others when I say, "Thank you".

I think it's excellent that you're seeing a therapist; it makes an enormous difference to unload your feelings onto a professional.

I also think it's great that you can give credit to your wife's actions for spurring you on to seek help. That's such a positive way of looking at the situation and will be so much more beneficial to the both of you rather than viewing it in a negative way.

You've just begun to see a therapist so the emotions and feelings that therapy draws out are still raw and unprocessed, particularly if you have been trying to cope with the situation alone. When these feelings begin to surface it can be quite overwhelming.

I have been seeing a psychiatrist for 14 years for major depressive and anxiety disorders and he has always encouraged any emotional outpourings, especially crying; I have been assured it does have a therapeutic benefit.

You are quite positive about what has come from your wife leaving, which is excellent. However, on some level, that would be enormously stressful and only add to your emotional overload.

I think it would be very wise to speak to your therapist about which medications may help you. When used correctly and for the right reasons, medication can be a godsend.

I perfectly understand you not wanting to break down in public. I would do anything I could to distract my thoughts, particularly when travelling on the train. Can you listen to music, the radio, talking books, download some comedies that you enjoy? Anything to stop you sitting with your thoughts until the train trip is over.

"Shit" can sometimes take a while to sort out but if you stick with it, bit by bit things start to come together. I'm still sorting mine out 20 years after deciding to seek professional help.

I think speaking to your therapist about appropriate meds, even if it's just in the early stages of therapy, may be very helpful and perhaps stabilise you a bit.

Please keep in contact; I'd be really interested to know how your therapy progresses. I usually log onto the forums every 2/3 days

Please take care.

lh.

PTSD ....

Josh83 — Mon, 08 Feb 2016 08:18:43 GMT

Hey guys

thanks so much for your kind words it made me break down but that's ok honestly

well after the train ride which I pretty much cried most of the way home, it got a fair bit worse for me knowing that I am loosing control is tough for me I'm normally not this emotional but it's obvious because my bucket has over flowed big time

I went to the docotor and luckily for me my ex wife came to support me lucky she was there as I broke down and she did all the talking for me

then the car ride home after I got my script filled was probably my biggest break down I've had well maybe the second biggest I think it was a lot of things but also I never wanted medication as I felt I could deal with it in a better way without

but I've got the medication which I only want for the short term I've had a relaxing bath and feeling much better going to take myself on a nice walk shortly after I have some dinner

back to work on Thursday, the doctor offered for me to have time off but I enjoy my job but more importantly the people I work with are fantastic support for me

thanks again for your kinds words I like this forum already 🙂

PTSD ....

Ladyhawke — Mon, 08 Feb 2016 11:43:44 GMT

Dear Josh,

I'm very glad that you're ex-wife recognises your pain and is able to help you to such an extent. That's incredibly supportive of her; I'm sure you would do the same for her if the situations were reversed.

I understand your reluctance about taking medication. I had a huge problem when I was first prescribed anti-depressant and anti-anxiety medication; I felt ashamed and weak that I could not ride out the tough times without chemical assistance. However, after the meds began to have a positive effect on me, I began to think differently. I still felt as though I should handle things without meds, but at the same time I did recognise they were a very important component of me staying well. My view of my meds, after all these years is, if it prevents me from going down the rabbit hole, I'll take whatever keeps me going. I no longer have the same issues with meds and I no longer treat them as my dirty little secret.

Yes, look at the medication as a short term help. I found when they began to work, I could speak to my psychiatrist without bursting into tears every time I mentioned a sensitive issue.

Very glad you're feeling a bit better; it's important to be kind to yourself when your dealing with such a difficult (but not impossible) situation.

You're fortunate to enjoy your job and it sounds like you have some really supportive mates - that's really great.

Best wishes for your return to work on Thursday and the next few days.Don't hesitate if you need to make contact or even if you just want to unload how you're feeling - that's the purpose of these forums. Let me know how things go for you - I'm interested and concerned about your progress.

Kind regards

ladyhawke

PTSD ....

Josh83 — Mon, 08 Feb 2016 22:10:43 GMT

so what a terrible nights sleep last night tossing and turning looking at the ceiling

but in saying that it was a very emotional day yesterday and I think it's all just adjusting as I've hidden away the effects some jobs have on me so now being emotional is a big change for me. But a good change and a much needed one. It amazing to see who your true friends are.

so this morning I went for a nice hour walk and came home and took my first tablet this morning. Feeling anxious at the moment but tear free haha.

you guys are

grest support already and the road is long but so worth it

PTSD ....

Neil_1 — Tue, 09 Feb 2016 00:22:04 GMT

Hi there Josh

I’m a bit late along the passage here, but still would like to welcome you to Beyond Blue.

After reading all through, and how you said it seemed like your bucket overflowed – I can understand this. I am not in your profession, but just with things that have happened to me at different times, inside I feel like I have a coiled spring which gets tighter and tighter – and it’s constantly seeking some kind of release.

This can take ages, but when it bursts, oh boy, is that one large outpouring of emotion – generally a mixture of grief and sadness. But for me it does take a while before I get to this stage.

This could have been something similar for you – and then you just got to the tipping point.

You’ve been doing some really positive things, in seeking out professional help and even coming here is a good foot forward. You’ve received some really awesome responses which helps massively for each of us – but to also just be here and type it down – that can be therapeutic in a fashion also.

It’s good that you’ve got your meds sorted – but remember, that they are not a cure all kind of thing. They are just one mechanism that needs to be set in place, to assist with your road to, if not recovery, but to at least smoother trails in the future.

Keep posting as often as you wish.

Neil

PTSD ....

Starwolf — Tue, 09 Feb 2016 01:13:57 GMT

So good to know you are weathering the storm...

Culture compels us to keep our emotions in check and under wraps. But keeping them hidden doesn't make them go away, they just keep gnawing at us undercover. It is the "pressure cooker effect" at work. The slightest opening will let out a lot of steam. If things keep building up without outlet, the whole thing will explode and make a terrible mess. So the letting out of pressure you are experiencing now is a good thing...although it doesn't feel this way at the moment.

I understand your reluctance re medication. The truth is, there are times when a bit of a prop is needed to see us through particularly rough stretches of the journey. It doesn't mean we must become dependent on it.

Walking -particularly off the beaten path- is a terrific way to clear mental and emotional pollution accumulated throughout the day.

And yes, knowing who your friends are is a precious advantage. Having you ex wife's and colleagues' support is awesome.

Hang in there Josh, you're definitely on the right track. As Neil points out, a lot of positive things have already happened because you found the courage to make them happen. I hope today brings more of those.

I also hope you will keep posting here to let us know how you're traveling.

PTSD ....

Ladyhawke — Tue, 09 Feb 2016 11:52:38 GMT

Dear Josh,

Wishing you a peaceful slumber and hopefully tomorrow may be a tiny bit easier.

ladyhawke

PTSD ....

Josh83 — Wed, 10 Feb 2016 05:27:05 GMT

Hello you bunch of legends.

well the tears have stopped, two days of being tear free haha but the anxiety in my belly and feeling of wanting to vomit has replaced it

had my appointment today with my psychologist and while it went well in parts in not a task I enjoy talking about the jobs I've been to and talking about the job that set me off nearly four years ago

then my ex wife thought she'd be nice and come and see me after my appointment was I wasn't alone which I found really sweet but because I was distant she didn't like that and well the visit didn't go as nicely and I would have hoped also the fact that she cannot seem to understand that issues I'm having and the fact that I'm now getting help . It makes me bloody sad to hear her say that the damage was done and we would never be a family again even when I explain how now I'm getting help. She says its like a death to her and she has moved on.

bit crap when I've been hiding my emotions for so long and now getting help. I'll just focus on being a better person for me, my girls and whoever the next lucky lady is

PTSD ....

Starwolf — Wed, 10 Feb 2016 06:16:35 GMT

Hi there Josh,

Sorry to read your ex wife's visit didn't turn out all that well. Obviously, she still cares about you, but perhaps not in the same way as she did before. When an intimate relationship ends, it takes a while (for both people involved) to transform it and take it to a different level, friendship for example. There's always a lot of emotional baggage to sort through, healing to be done before this can happen without hiccups. Your ex says she's moved on. This must have been a difficult decision for her so she is probably feeling a bit defensive if she feels your inclination to rekindle the relationship.
Good to know your appointment went well, although reliving a traumatic past is never easy. Unfortunately, it is a necessary part of the ride. Both for you (opening up the pressure valve and letting it out) and your therapist who needs to know the root of the problem. Therapy is a bit of a roller coaster ride, lots of ups and downs. Things will eventually level out.

Your post ends on a positive, hopeful note. Great stuff ! I see you still have confidence in the future...and a sense of humor. May I ask how old your daughters are ? Children ground us in reality when we feel tempted to escape it. They're also a great incentive to move forward.

I hope you have a peaceful evening and restful night.

PTSD ....

Ladyhawke — Wed, 10 Feb 2016 08:43:15 GMT

Hi Josh,

I notice that your post has a slightly more positive tone to it - very pleased for you. Also pleased that the tears have slowed down; perhaps when your meds finally kick in, the anxiety and sick feeling may be more under control.

The early stages of therapy can be particularly difficult. Bringing up traumatic issues and having to confront them can be a real ordeal. I'm being honest when I tell you that the process will get easier, eventually. At some point, you will be able to discuss painful issues and feel a level of detachment from the experiences you had. It may take a while, which is why medication can be so very helpful during this early process. When the meds do kick in, they will help you feel a level of detachment so that you can talk about the pain with your psychiatrist and not become an emotional mess every time an issue is raised.

Relationships and break-ups are tough. I agree with Starwolf; healing broken relationships does take time - it changes our perception of who we are, our egos get bent out of shape and there's a lot of sifting through emotions before we can move forward with some confidence. Yes, it does sound like your wife is a little on the defensive, which is a natural reaction. Always helps not to get involved in the blame game. Two people make a relationship and two people end it. The situation is what it is and with time and the ability to be civil to each other, even though it may be difficult now, the relationship bumps may smooth out so you can still remain friends on some level, particularly for your girls.

Back to work tomorrow? I'm sure having your mates around you will make a difference; having support is so important.

Sleep well (I hope) and best wishes for a really good first day back at work.

Kind regards

PTSD ....

Josh83 — Mon, 15 Feb 2016 03:29:47 GMT

Hey guys

jusr thought I'd give you amazing supportive people a update so my shifts at work didn't go too bad for me actually every shift there was some anxiety but I'm trying to manage it and being a lot more open with friends at work has been great

the emotional side seems to have dropped off totally only time will tell if the wave will come back

the best thing really was my boss pulling me into his office and telling me that he knows I'm struggling and that he will support me all the way it was a nice feeling and I had a little break down but that's ok

PTSD ....

Starwolf — Mon, 15 Feb 2016 04:36:23 GMT

Hey Josh,

Terrific news, you made my day so thank you !

The wave may or may not come back but if it does I hope you will remember it is just that..a wave, not the ocean. Life is like surfing. Sometimes a dumper gets hold of us and spins us around for a few cycles of the cosmic washing machine. It may leave us battered, bewildered and gravel bruised. But it passes.

An understanding, supportive boss is a precious ally. And well done for being more open with workmates. Great to read you are finding support at work as it is where trauma took place.

You're well on track, Josh. So happy trails !

PTSD ....

Ladyhawke — Tue, 16 Feb 2016 07:22:16 GMT

Hi Josh

Great to hear from you; I've been wondering how you've been getting on.

I agree with Starwolf, when the seas get rough hold onto that life raft and just keep holding on tight - it will eventually pass. That's exactly what I've been doing for quite a while. Sure it feels like hell at the time, but you will resurface.

You seem really fortunate to have such sensitive colleagues you can reach out to.

Good news - thanks for keeping us up to date. Don't forget about us -

ladyhawke