topic Fighting the feeling of being helpless in PTSD and trauma

Fighting the feeling of being helpless

Guest_2350 — Sat, 06 Feb 2016 20:19:26 GMT

Hello,

I was wondering if someone has experience with this feeling or could share with me what they did.

I have a history of childhood abuse and trauma and started treatment for all sorts of things a while ago, but only recently shared this part of my life that I buried deep inside.

Most of my life I worked hard to get out of the victim role and I achieved a lot and built a family. Life has been crumbling for a while now and it is a regular fight with myself to do the things that are good for me (in the long run) - like going to the psych.

I had a few very difficult weeks lately and a couple of days ago I realised that one of the things that makes me so angry is that I feel helpless again. I don't know why this is happening to me and why I feel the way I feel and I don't think people understand and really want to explain to me what's going on - or they don't know. I am desperate to find my strength again and be independent and confident in my decisions, I never wanted to feel like a victim again and I feel like that now, helpless and not knowing when it's going to end. I get angry that I'm dependent on mess to make me feel better - and that means I have to go to see someone for a script. My problem is that I start pushing people away when I feel that in my eyes they don't want to understand me or help me. I just feel like walking out the door and starting to run again.

Thank you, Yggy x

Fighting the feeling of being helpless

Kazzl — Sat, 06 Feb 2016 21:05:56 GMT

Hi yggy mate. So sorry to hear how you're feeling. I know it well, that sense of not being able to control anything and wanting to run or disappear. I think maybe that's why I disappeared into the bottle for many years.

The thing is, you know the difference, you know how it feels to be in control and not give in to being the victim. That experience and the strength you gained won't leave you. It's not gone, it's just out of reach at the moment. You will find it again.

Something that helps me when I feel overwhelmed by things, especially stuff I couldn't control in the past, is to choose one thing I can control now and focus on it. For me that can be things like what I eat, how my house is (believe it or not I find housework therapeutic sometimes because I do it and am pleased with the results), who I choose to give my time to, that sort of thing. Even deciding not to do something can give me a sense of control, because it's my decision. Not sure if I'm explaining this well, but taking control of one small thing, focusing on it and allowing myself to feel like I have made some kind of impact reduces the sense of helplessness. Then maybe you can build on that to bigger things.

I hope this helps hun, not sure it will. But know that I care and understand. And I believe that you are not hostage to it, your sense of control over feeling like a victim will return.

Hugs to you

Kaz

Fighting the feeling of being helpless

Guest_5218 — Sat, 06 Feb 2016 22:57:08 GMT

Hi Yggy,

I dont think I can offer very much advice because what you have described is very much how I feel myself. But I can offer you my understanding and moral support, and a comforting hug, if that would help?

Much like you I suffered a trauma long ago which I kept bottled up and secret for many years. Always trying to force it from my mind and trying to deny to myself that it ever happened. It was the best way I had of coping at the tme I guess. After finally realising that I needed help with it last year I underwent psychological treatment which forced me to acknowledge what had happened all those years ago. This leads to the need to accept it into my new psyche. A need to try and embrace the new me, the damaged me. This inevitably leads to a major shift in the acceptance and knowledge of 'self'.

You are obviously a very strong and independent woman, so of course it is really difficult to feel the way you are right now, so helpless. Especially as you have accomplished so much with home, work and family life despite all the difficulties you have obviously overcome. And to not lapse into the victim role. You've done great!

I was warned before starting my therapy last year that many people just give up because therapy gets too hard when you are forced to relive repressed traumatic events and memories. The long denied feelings of fear and helplessness suffered during the trauma all come to the surface again as the distressing memories resurface.

But I would urge you to continue. Its like a boil that has to fester before it can burst and then release all that poison inside, which then allows recovery. Be confident that you will get better.

Try to be patient with your loved ones around you. It is not their fault that they cant understand what you are going through. They probably want to, but you know they never really will because they have not been through what you have.

Dont walk out the door, dont run. You will regain control of your life. I know its really hard, but hang in there.

Thinking of you Yggy.

Sherie xx

Fighting the feeling of being helpless

Starwolf — Sun, 07 Feb 2016 01:29:14 GMT

Hello Yggy,

Regaining control step by step is very good strategy suggested by Kazzl.

Like you I have a history of childhood abuse so I am familiar with the sense of helplessness that goes with it.

You mention that you have only recently opened up about it all...which is a great decision. So well done ! However, it often makes past feelings bubble back up again. It is a normal -although uncomfortable- part of the process...a phase that usually passes. I understand how overwhelming it feels but it's only a wave, not the ocean.

Meanwhile, you may find useful to reconnect with your distressed inner child who is in need of a comforting hug. This part of yourself needs to be held and told that all will be well now. There is nothing wrong with having a conversation with a facet of your inner self when it needs healing and nurturing.

There is nothing wrong either with keeping at bay those who do not understand you. You can be in control of who you choose to mingle with. At this point in time, you need support and understanding. Allowing yourself to remove negative influences from your life is OK. They need to run out the door...not you. If negativity comes from close family, perhaps they need counseling to gain better understanding of what you're going through. Could this be an option ?

Opening up was a major step, although it may not feel like it right now. It takes courage and will all be worth it in the long run. Venting your feelings via these posts often helps clean the decks. I hope to read more from you. This is a safe place where you are in full control !

A cyber hug to you and a special one to your wounded inner child.

Fighting the feeling of being helpless

Guest_2350 — Sun, 07 Feb 2016 19:54:55 GMT

Thank you all for your posts. I have read them several times and they all bring tears to my eyes. Tears because I am sorry that you all had to go through your own trauma and tears because I actually feel like you understood.

Accepting help and letting other people in is probably one of the hardest things for me to do. I don't want to be hurt and I feel so vulnerable when opening up and when all these feelings take over that I cannot control. I constantly feel like I am fighting.

It is comforting to know that this too shall pass. But when you came out the other side, how had you changed? I am still worried I might be a different person? Does that make sense?

Thank you and big hugs to all, Yggy x

Fighting the feeling of being helpless

Starwolf — Mon, 08 Feb 2016 00:51:16 GMT

Thank you for your kind words and hugs.

Making it through tough times gives hindsight, a sense of victory, better knowledge of what our private hell is made of and how we came through it all. Leaving behind what caused harm and distress brings relief. It is nothing to be afraid of. Lifestyle improvement is what all of us wish for.

We change every day, every new experience has an impact on who and what we are. We all make choices, good or bad, which affect the course of our life. Sometimes change is subtle, sometimes more dramatic. Being in a negative head space calls for change. None of us want to stay there. It is true that sometimes life imposes change on us. We have no say in this but we can choose how to respond.

Your therapist could help you find out what is at the root of your present state of mind, what exactly is sapping your strength and independence. Finding the trigger would give you a handle on how to reclaim control. The mind can be a complicated labyrinth where we easily get lost, bumping against one dead end after another. At times, we need professional help to assist with the mechanics and logistics of it all.

Sherie is right, we are haunted by ghosts of our past. They need to be confronted and evicted before peace of mind can return. Then we will understand that our personal ghosts are only shadows, dead, gone forever. As such, they cannot touch us. The only power they have is the life we give them by letting them intrude in ours.

Peace of mind is our birthright, a welcome change from constant worry and stress. It is my wish for you.

Fighting the feeling of being helpless

Mares73 — Sun, 14 Feb 2016 01:27:01 GMT

Dear Yggy you have had some great advice & ideas from others. As Kaz suggested sometimes we get through each day by focussing what IS in our control rather than what isn't. I'm sorry you feel like a victim because your not-in fact your far more a self aware, honest & courageous person. It's the dreaded depression telling you stories such as being a victim & needing to get more in control of your life. You are so honest & aware about yourself & you keep fighting the symptoms of this illness. I think your probably your own worst critic. Please take time each day to reflect on what progress you have made. For some people getting out of bed is an achievement & it's a slow process. Others have high self expectations & judge themselves harshly. There is a balance somewhere in between. While your feeling this low try counting all the things you do achieve each day & build from that.

Please let us know how you are going. Take care, Mares X

Fighting the feeling of being helpless

Guest_2350 — Sun, 14 Feb 2016 06:01:09 GMT

Dear Mares,

thank you for your message. I have started to write down everything I do and achieve every day and to try and celebrate my little achievements. I have also noticed that sleeping in the afternoon actually helps me and I think I need to accept that this is what I need at the moment without any prejudice of how productive or not I am. I am starting to believe that I have been hyperactive all my life, running from the memories and keeping myself distracted. I guess I somehow have run out of steam. This weekend I feel like I should just accept what comes. If it means my life changes from what it is now, perhaps that is the solution.

Mares, I hope you are ok and you take care too, Yggy x

Fighting the feeling of being helpless

Mares73 — Tue, 16 Feb 2016 20:57:32 GMT

Dear Yggy I can only congratulate you on coming up with a brilliant plan for yourself. I agree strongly with having a nap each day. It's so exhausting dealing with trauma/depression/anxiety. You need rest to build strength & resilience & you have fantastic self awareness & insight into what your experiencing. Writing down everything you achieve each day is a fantastic strategy. You should be proud-you've worked out what you need & your making changes in your life to fast track your recovery. I have complete admiration for you. To find the motivation to make changes in your life to help you is a sign of your incredible strength & perseverance.

You are an inspiration & I wish you well as you continue your positive changes. Please keep us updated if you wish too as I'm sure many of us are inspired by you & would like to continue hearing about your journey.

Thankyou so much for sharing your progress.

Mares x

Fighting the feeling of being helpless

Starwolf — Thu, 18 Feb 2016 01:35:20 GMT

Hi there Yggy,

Well done for your willingness to embrace change. Life is a dynamic process. Flowing along with it helps free us from the fetters of the past.

I also agree with Mares, as refusing my status as victim did a lot to improve my lifestyle. Healing sometimes takes a fair bit of defiance towards the past, a refusal to let it win. And yes, writing has therapeutic effects. Issues are cast out on the paper in front of you, instead of tormenting you from the inside. You are doing well.

I hope you're OK and wish you peace of mind.

Fighting the feeling of being helpless

Guest_2350 — Tue, 23 Feb 2016 10:03:08 GMT

Dear Mares,

I came across one of your previous posts today, looking for some info on a treatment that was suggested to me by my psych and I read a little bit about your story. I don't want to reply to the original post. Your post back then was distressed and I was just wanting to ask how you feel nowadays? Are you feeling better? Has your life quality improved? You don't need to share this with me if you don't want to.

Take care, Yggy

Fighting the feeling of being helpless

Mares73 — Sun, 20 Mar 2016 22:21:54 GMT

Dear Yggy I don't know if you will read this as I'm way behind in replying & offering support. I sincerely apologise for that

im currently trying to deal with managing my anxiety which I find overwhelming at times. I've isolated myself & spend way too much time alone.

This follows a year of caring for my husband who had relapsed after 4 years with acute leukaemia & needed a bone marrow transplant. He is 43 & was previously so healthy it was a huge shock.

i have worked on many life traumas including child abuse, sexual assault, violent family & my husbands illness. I am currently engaged in a civil case against the priest who abused me & have been to the royal commission.

There are many things about myself I wish were different. I'm a sensitive, trusting yet vulnerable person. I get satisfaction from trying to support others on their journey. I'm no expert but I have great compassion & care for others.

Anyway if you do read this-how are you travelling? Be great to hear back from you.

Hugs, Mares x

Fighting the feeling of being helpless

Guest_2350 — Mon, 21 Mar 2016 20:11:18 GMT

Dear Mares,

thank you for your reply.

I am sorry to hear about your husband, may I ask how he is doing now?

I admire your strength. I am sure often you cannot see it, but I am in awe of the strength people gain in adverse situations.

How is your support during the royal commission? How do you feel telling people about your past? Do you feel like you would be able to close a chapter after this is done?

I'm doing ok. I try to stop comparing myself to the person I was 6 months ago, 12 months ago, 3 years ago. I'm doing ok compared to the beginning of the year. Life is still tough, I had a bad day yesterday, but it is different, I reach out, I have a safety plan, I think I can get through this. The bad days don't get easier but I know that I have places to go or people to talk to when I get stuck. It was not easy to open up to the GP and psych, but I know now what my options are when things get too overwhelming.

Take care, Yggy

Fighting the feeling of being helpless

Mares73 — Mon, 21 Mar 2016 23:52:14 GMT

Dear yggy

thanks for replying. I admire your courage & determination. I don't underestimate how tough life can still be for you-yet you've managed to develop a support plan & have places to go & people to see when you need it. You also are living in the present rather than continually comparing yourself to times in the past. I think your doing awesome. But I know your still battling away each day to stay on top.

as for me-sadly but honestly the royal commission was a build up & letdown. All you do is tell your story & that's it. No investigations or advice or referrals. I had to seek out organisations & a legal team myself. It's now over two years & the case is still ongoing. Can't see any change or closure in the near future so I try to keep it at the back of my thoughts.

My husbands journey with leukaemia has resulted in a bone marrow transplant & ongoing treatment. It's not curable but Drs aim for 5 years success rate. Very hard to live knowing it could come back anytime & if it does what would happen because he's already had the end of the road treatment so to speak by way of the transplant. So I guess it's another thing I try & live with in back of my mind.

ive had depression, & battle PTSD & anxiety regularly. I hate waking up with the instant butterflies churning in my stomach, heart racing & trying to slow breathing. My challenge is to try manage the anxiety better as I find it crippling. It isolates me, prevents me from doing things & can lead to days wasted aimlessly at home with so many things I could do but I don't have my anxiety under control yet to do them. I find anxiety precedes depression in my case. It's so overwhelming at times. Like today I've woken very jumpy & anxious & my mother who I don't see often is coming to visit. She is a nervous person in her own way & she copes by continual conversation about all "light" subjects such as the weather, what's on special at shops. So I've woken anxious stressing over finding something to wear & any little silly things that take hold in my thoughts. I think if I could manage the anxiety better I'd live much more peacefully. I see a trauma therapist & a psychiatrist (not often) & they seem to think it's normal given what I've been through that I have anxiety & PTSD. But that doesn't help with my symptoms. I think I need to accept I have scars but I appreciate my beautiful children & that makes me feel better.

I think acceptance of who we are is the key.

How are you doing?

Mares X

Fighting the feeling of being helpless

Guest_2350 — Tue, 22 Mar 2016 09:24:54 GMT

Dear Mares,

it is a shame that you did not receive any support, investigations, advise, reverrals... To be honest it is a disgrace. I am disgusted that you were not protected and supported being the victim. You have done nothing wrong. I hope you will find some closure, so all your hard work "pays off" somehow. I am not sure what that would look like though.

You say you have children? How many do you have? I have two grown-ups and I love them to bits. How are your kids coping with your husband's struggle?

Did you have your depression, PTSD, anxiety diagnosed a long time ago? I know the butterflies feeling - for me it is a rush of adrenaline and I wake up alert. I need some time to calm myself before I can sleep again. Most of my life I just got out of bed and started my day, independent of what time at night it was. I've run out of steam, I am just tired all the time now. I also feel perfectly fine doing nothing all day and avoiding whatever I feel like avoiding. I am pretty bad in guessing why I feel the way I feel. I am not sure if I have a final diagnosis yet, that everyone agrees on, but then - does it really make a difference? I would think that PTSD, depression and anxiety go hand in hand - those are the labels already placed on me. I am still at the beginning and I ask myself questions like "Is this a thought or a feeling". What are feelings? Is it the five senses? Who is the observer? Why can I not find a solution to my problem? Labelling how I feel and discussing whether a behaviour is "normal" distresses me. I still don't understand what is wrong with my behaviours if I don't hurt anyone.

But I am doing ok, thank you. Perhaps not ok, but I think I will be feeling a little better again soon. Yesterday and today were difficult days, something happened that made me feel unsafe and I am trying to stay afloat. My head hurts.

Take care, Yggy

Fighting the feeling of being helpless

Mares73 — Thu, 24 Mar 2016 03:58:04 GMT

Dear Yggy

for what it's worth I have also been labelled with anxiety, PTSD & depression.

i was in my mid twenties (I'm now 42) when I attended a psychology class at uni & the issues they were discussing brought a ton of traumatic memories coming back. Largely it was memories of my fathers abuse. But also the fact my sister & I told our mum & we were bed wetting due to fear. What she did rather than believe us was to have us put on antidepressants at age 8. I've never gotten over that one. I then threw myself into work, so hard & long hours simply so I wouldn't have time to think of the past. It worked until roughly 5 yrs ago when my father committed suicide followed by me being assaulted & robbed after being dragged off the street whilst walking home. I left work at that point. Then my husband was diagnosed with leukaemia & I was in early stages of royal commission hearing & initiating a civil case. I still havnt got back to working. I wonder how to explain the 7-8 year gap. Yet I'm so alone& isolated at home everyday that I'm starting to fear going out. Work was great because I was in a senior position, had a reason to get up & could take on a different personality at work. I know it would be best if I got another job but I don't know how to go about it.

i have a 16 yr old daughter in Year 11 & an 11yr old son in Year 6. He will start high school next year-the same year my daughter does the old HSC. They are what keeps me going, gives me a purpose. I'd be lost without them.

Yesterday my daughter & I went for lunch-something I'm ashamed of not initiating before. She cried & told me my pain made her feel responsible for making sure I was ok, and that I hardly ever went out with her, her brother & dad. I started to explain I found it difficult to leave the house at times but she didn't want to know why which made it hard for me to be able to explain my illness to her. I said I would work really hard on going out as a family.

I Struggle with anxiety. it's there the minute I wake up to the time I go to bed. I feel low, hopeless & think I'm a failure. I'm still trying hard to work on that with help of pysch & trauma therapist.

So Yggy in a nutshell I'm trying to manage acute anxiety but havnt got there yet. I wish I was back in a busy high level job that keeps my fears & insecurities at bay. I don't know where to start looking & how to explain big gap in employment.

Anyway that's an abbreviated version of life.

How are you going?

Lve Mares X

Fighting the feeling of being helpless

Mares73 — Thu, 24 Mar 2016 22:16:28 GMT

Ps Yggy I just wanted to comment on what you wrote about acoidance behavioral. This is something I really struggle with & understand. When things get on top of us we often tend to avoid people & situations as it's an easy way to escape our painful feelings. I will often avoid doing tasks as anxiety immobilised me but also because I've got into patterns of not taking action-I feel like the anxiety controls me rather than me controlling it. I avoid with excuses as to why I can't get things done, using medication & strategies to avoid all the fears in my head. It can mean days & days of no action, staying at home, knowing there is so much to do but feeling so "stuck" that I can't move forward. I miss the routine of work & the fact it was my main source of confidence. Maybe I should start to look for jobs despite the gap in employment. I say this because initially I thought it would be great being home, going for walks, reading, doing therapy workbooks, having time to relax & learning to meditate. Yet my days are wasting away as I spend endless amounts of time thinking too much & not taking any positive or productive options. I havnt achieved anything by leaving work except my anxiety & isolation has taken over my life & I can't say I achieve anything. This leads to feeling helpless. I need to work hard on getting out of the house, try finding interesting things to do & see it as part of my recovery journey. I can't handle wasted aimless days anymore.

i didn't intend to sound so negative.Apologies. How are you coping?

Mares xx

Fighting the feeling of being helpless

Guest_2350 — Sat, 26 Mar 2016 09:59:17 GMT

Dear Mares,

I am so sorry for not answering earlier. I tried to keep myself busy all day and stayed out of the house. One of the strategies that always used to work but leaves me exhausted.

I am so sorry to read your story. There is so much hurt in there, but you have been so strong all these years! Don't forget you are a survisor, you have children and you care for your husband!

Regarding your work, why do you find it difficult to explain the gap in employment. You had children. Many women take time off to care for their children. So there is not really a gap that you need to explain. My question would be, and I don't know in which field you worked, how can you get up to date with today's technology and what has changed in your industry in the past few years. There are courses you can take if required and you can talk to employment agencies how to increase your chances. Don't give up on yourself so easily. If you have done it before, you can do it again, I am sure of that!

Regarding your anxiety I can understand how you have hidden yourself away, but look at the fact that you have gone out with your daughter for lunch and you have promised to do more with your family. Just try one little baby step at the time and be kind to yourself.

I understand your comment about being immobilised. My psych called it freeze, I do that a lot lately and it scares me when it happens but I feel helpless in fighting it. It feels like a switch is turned in my head.

I will write more tomorrow, but I am really tired now and I need to try and sleep.

Take care, Yggy

Fighting the feeling of being helpless

Guest_2350 — Thu, 07 Apr 2016 08:10:53 GMT

I am really struggling with being labelled and stuck into nice little pigeon holes.
All these labels are popping up around me, PTSD, depression, anxiety, OCD and now bipolar? How can anyone who has known me less than 10 hours put so many labels on me? What if I don't like the person I find out I really am? What if I don't like the world I live in when I see it clearly? Why can I not just be the way I am? Is it wrong to be me? I'm not hurting anyone. I am getting so tired of picking up the pieces in my head, in my heart and trying to focus on my life again. Why is this so hard? I'm starting to believe that I was a happier person before they started poking around in my life, before they put me on medication... Is it too late to turn around?
I am strong and I will be strong enough today and tomorrow and the day after... But every time I lose a bit more energy.
Is there light at the end of the tunnel?