topic I witnessed a murder in PTSD and trauma

I witnessed a murder

Kbet — Sat, 12 Dec 2015 13:05:26 GMT

I witnessed at murder when I was 16 years old. It was a brutal murder and I was a friend of the person who commited the murder and also friends with the victim. I have never forgotten that day, it constantly plays in my mind on a constant loop. I found it hard to sleep before this happened due to another trauma and after this happened I found it nearly impossible to sleep. I am plagued with nightmares and often I will stay awake until I am totally knackered and then go to sleep. I am still woken up 4-5 times a night with nightmares and a racing heart. It takes me ages to go back to sleep everytime and I feel like my body and mind are on constant autopilot. 23 years of no sleep is catching up with me.

I get up for work at 5am and usually dont go to sleep until after midnight and have been doing this since I started my job 10 years ago. Now I am getting older I consistently feel exhausted.. I cant take sleeping pills because I am worried something bad will happen to me in my sleep ( from a past trauma). I am trying to meditate but its so hard for me to relax or even sit still. I feel like im always looking over my shoulder and now because of my exhaustion I find that my mind and body has had enough. I have been fighting for my right to some semblance of normalcy for 35 of my 40 years and I dont think I will ever be able to find it. I dont even know what life without fear is like. Please if anyone has any ideas to help they would be greatly appreciated.

Thankyou for taking the time to read this and sharing my journey through life.

Kbet

I witnessed a murder

Guest_1055 — Sat, 12 Dec 2015 14:10:50 GMT

Hello kbet

I'm so ,so sorry, that you have gone through such horrible trauma and pain. My tears are for you tonight....

I long to take it all away...the pain, racing heart, fear and the nightmares, but I can't. Just only feel so sad for you. I don't know what else to say. I can't even offer you advice as to what you should do..... I do hope you sleep better tonight. You are in my prayers.

Many, many warm hugs from someone who cares.

Shelley anne xxxx

I witnessed a murder

geoff — Sat, 12 Dec 2015 18:37:12 GMT

dear Kbet, I could not think of anything worse to see a friend killed by another friend, or even someone being killed, because it would leave such a nasty taste in your mouth and certainly create PTSD that would be so hard to shake off.

I wish I knew your name, because this is where you need all the help you can get, and can I suggest that you need to see a psychologist who will able for you to handle this PTSD, and although I'm not a qualified professional myself, I'm deeply sorry for even suggesting this, but you now need to be able to live a life that can accommodate your circumstances.

I dearly hope that you can get back to us so that we can continue. Geoff.

I witnessed a murder

Kbet — Sun, 13 Dec 2015 05:21:58 GMT

Hi Shelley anne,

Thankyou for your kind words and all the love.. I appreciate it. I didnt sleep much last night but its ok because I dont have to work today so I am resting on the lounge trying to grab a nap where I can.. Thank you for your prayers I think I will need them.. I hope this day finds you well and in good spirits.

Please Take Care

Kbet

I witnessed a murder

Kbet — Sun, 13 Dec 2015 05:37:36 GMT

Hi Geoff,

What happened wasn't ideal that's for sure. I honestly dont know how to function anymore. It was a long time ago but it feels like it happened yesterday.

I am seeing a psychologist and have had 2 appointments with her so far . We havent even started to cover anything yet because this was only 1 of about 7 traumatic events that I have been fighting. It is just hard to sleep and I was told I needed to sleep so my brain can heal.. How can it heal if I cant sleep.

I feel exhausted all the time and its starting to cripple me. Geoff I would tell you my name but Im scared someone will know its me. If it were just you and I talking and no one else could read it then I would tell you my name.

Im sorry

Take care and thankyou for your kind words and advice xx

Kbet

I witnessed a murder

Corac1 — Sun, 13 Dec 2015 11:36:34 GMT

Hi Kbet

I am so sorry to hear about your struggle. I can't even imagine what that must have been like...

Reading your post I immediately wondered if you have considered whether you may have post traumatic stress disorder? Things like the flashbacks and not sleeping etc are common for trauma. I have had treatment for PTSD that involved EMDR and it was very helpful.

I wish you strength and good luck, you are not alone.

Cora

I witnessed a murder

Kbet — Sun, 13 Dec 2015 23:13:50 GMT

Hi Cora,

I have spoken to my psychologist and she said that I am suffering from PTSD. I always thought that PTSD was for people who went to war or were part of the military. It makes sense to me after some investigation into PTSD but before I started seeing my psychologist I thought it was just me not being able to cope anymore. I haven't had any kind of treatment yet because my psychologist wants to take it slow. Apparently its going to be a long process.

Thankyou for your kind words and your words of encouragement. I hope this day finds you well.

Best wishes

Kbet

I witnessed a murder

Neil_1 — Mon, 14 Dec 2015 00:01:22 GMT

Dear Kbet

I too am sorry to hear of the trauma and all the fall out that you’ve had to experience over such a long time. This horrible event, coupled with, as you mention, 6 other traumatic events in your life must be pure hell to live with.

I understand only too well where you experience something absolutely horrible, tragic, life-changing and it does feel like it was yesterday or last week. For me, it’s 24 years ago, but the image of it is burned into my mind and I can’t see how it will ever move from that spot.

The thing to try and do is to cope around it – with the mechanisms we must put into place so we can continue on during our lives. Some days the pain will be there and so sharp that it hurts so much, while if we can do things to keep us ‘occupied’ and moving on a slight forward projection, then the incident might hopefully be pushed a little to the back. That’s on our own side of things.

Then we take on the professional help – and that’s where they need for us to address the issue(s) and where they will try to help us cope with our lives as they are now.

Your other main issue of sleep is the troubling one – as you are obviously aware. Over all these years, that’s horrible that you’ve had to endure so much stress throughout each night. Has there been no possible help that a treating professional (gp or psychiatrist) could have assisted you with – I’m not overly talking about sleeping tablets here, but more like some kind of stress reliever or even a kind of relaxant of some sort?

Kind regards

Neil

I witnessed a murder

Kbet — Mon, 14 Dec 2015 00:49:49 GMT

Hi Neil,

I am sorry that you have been through a horrible time and I am thankful for your insight and compassion. I don't have a lot of people to chat to and your wisdom has helped me over the last week. Thank you so much for sharing with me.

I have had to realise that I need to deal with the new reality of my life and try to move forward. I have spoken to my psychologist about my sleeping issues and she said she was going to think of some strategies for me to be able to sleep. She has also recommended a psychiatrist and I am seriously thinking about going to see one because I think that maybe something must be miss firing in my mind. I have coped with this for so long but now I cant seem to manage it anymore and I would really like to know what is wrong with me.

I got 2 hours sleep last night and I am at work struggling to focus on my tasks and trying to stay awake. I had a few particularly bad nightmares last night and normally I would tell you about them but I don't think the graphic content would be allowed on this forum. I could seriously write horror movies from my dreams. I cant stop shaking for some reason today, I feel very anxious and like I am falling to pieces... I keep breathing deeply every now and then because I feel so overwhelmed. I hope I can make it through today.

I hope this day finds you well. Thinking of you

Kbet

I witnessed a murder

geoff — Mon, 14 Dec 2015 02:13:36 GMT

dear Kbet, I totally understand your fear, because this fear is just another problem that you have to try and cope with, and as they all build up is not helpful at all.

I am about to sign off, but people will reply back to you with some helpful ways, but now you know, once you have told us about this, then we will jump on board to try and help you. Geoff.

I witnessed a murder

Neil_1 — Mon, 14 Dec 2015 02:48:41 GMT

Dear Kbet

It’s my pleasure to be able to share thoughts and suggestions with you – and it’s even more incredible that you have found them helpful. When we think so lowly of ourselves, it really does come as a surprise and a really wonderful thing to hear that we may have in fact, been helpful to someone else; so I really treasured your comments back to me.

I believe this is a new road that you’re about to embark on – with some good professional help behind (or beside) you. To be able to share with these people and for them to be able to hopefully provide you with helpful and useful suggestions for the traumas that you’ve been through.

But you know from all of this, it is all very positive from what I’m reading from you. First of all, by you coming here and to unload a little, which I know from being here for a number of years now, that people do find it to be a little therapeutic in being able to type down issues, etc on here. Stemming from that, well, it then becomes like a bit of a snowball – a snowball of goodness, where you pick up along the way other people’s points of view from experiences lived, suggestions, advice and a general sense of support and understanding.

Extending on from that is the positive moves you’ve made to be seeking out professional help.

The thing to acknowledge though, as you know, your issues are numerable (is there such a word as that?) and so it’s a matter of tiny steps forward and to be aware that these issues are not going to be knocked down and put to bed in the click of a couple of fingers. It’ll take time to just chip away at the bad – that’s important to be aware not to expect big wins immediately. But the big thing is to keep working at it and to enjoy the little goals achieved along the way.

I had a series of dreams on Saturday night that when I woke on Sunday morning, I was exhausted – and yes, I know the feeling about how you could set up a possible movie with things that happen in my dreams. It’s so bizarre and they are so vivid and real. Then you wake up and you feel thankful that it was a dream. Certainly something to mention to your psych in an upcoming appointment I think.

Neil

I witnessed a murder

Kbet — Mon, 14 Dec 2015 03:11:15 GMT

Hi geoff,

Thanks for you advice and letting me know that you are there for me if I need it. I take comfort in the fact that I have a group of people I can converse with who have actually experienced or continue to experience the same struggles I face and they have managed to move forward with the help of others and through proper treatment.

I hope this day find you well

Kbet

I witnessed a murder

Kbet — Mon, 14 Dec 2015 03:45:08 GMT

Dear Neil,

Thankyou for you message and as always it has been a pleasure to speak with you about what has been going on and effectively using the advice given to me and trying to move forward in my realm of reality. I know that sometimes I can be abrupt with people and a bit overly critical and I don't know if this is because of my own personality or a symptoms of the fact that I hardly sleep.

I am sorry to hear of you also having bad dreams . I hate when they play like a series in your mind. Sometimes I just want to yell out to my brain to turn it off(like a really bad TV show). Its not much fun that's for sure. I have to take my husband with me this week to the psychologist because apparently my home life needs to be as peaceful as possible before we start to deal with the trauma. I have no idea what that means but I do know it will be difficult for me. I'm scared that she is going to upset him or tell him off and I am going to get into trouble when I get home.

I really love reading, writing, drawing and anything that keeps me locked up inside my house. I don't go out much so anything that can take me away from the four walls is gold to me. I feel like I am the one who is always complaining. Please if there is anything you may need to talk about know that I am here to listen.

I hope today finds you well.

Kbet

I witnessed a murder

Neil_1 — Mon, 14 Dec 2015 23:58:49 GMT

Dear Kbet

First and foremost, you ended with saying, you feel like you’re always complaining. I’m here to say that “No, you are not complaining”. Not at all. You’re simply telling me how things are … how it is. Sharing and unloading and being up front and honest. So please don’t be thinking like that anymore – cause that’s not what this site is about. It’s about being able to unload, to vent, to share, to talk (or in our case, type) and to get things off the chest.

The thing with dreams though (well for me) is that I can never predict what they’re going to be – and then when I try to list down the following day or to at least think back about what dreams I had, it can be often over 6 of them and with no real background kind of thing. And in them, there can be a huge variation of people – but a lot of mine revolve around my home where I grew up for 19 years. Well, actually I lived for 19 years – growing up could be widely argued about people who know me. 🙂 🙂

With regard to the upcoming appointment, I would think that your psych will be extremely careful when broaching this subject with your husband. Hopefully it will be more of a session that will outline how things are for you at the moment and by being able to create as peaceful a home environment as possible will be of huge benefit for you in being able to commence the process of addressing your traumas. By having him there it will let him know that he is important in this process as well as he will learn how much this is needed for you. It will hopefully come across as nothing but positives to be gained from this.

I’m a bit of a book person as well – I’ve read all the Lee Child series of books, have read lots of Jeffrey Archer books – I particularly like the Harry Clifton series that he’s writing. I’m currently into a fantasy world of dragons – well not lots of them – the series of books, the first one was called Eragon. The 2nd one was Brsinger (or something similar to that) and the 3rd one I’m nearing the end is Eldest.

What kinds of reading do you enjoy? With your writing, I’ve responded to that in your other thread, but I’ve gotta say, I like the sound of what you’re doing.

Whoops, another lengthy one from me – sorry about that. 🙂 🙂

Neil

I witnessed a murder

Kbet — Tue, 15 Dec 2015 01:16:57 GMT

Dear Neil,

Hope you are feeling well today. Thankyou for your kind words I appreciate it. I know I shouldn't feel like I am complaining but I guess whenever I have spoken about my problems to family member I am always told to stop complaining and get over it. I guess it has sunk into my subconscious psyche so much that every time I say what I am feeling I am complaining. It is something else I will have to teach my mind as I start to head into my journey.

I am guessing you didn't have a good time in that house or that in all these dreams the house is the focal point for a reason? The differing characters I understand as the people drifting into and out of our lives. I can relate to that in some ways. One of my dreams(nightmares), which I have regularly, is about my children. They are the most important people in my world to me and the nightmare is a brutal scene that I cant even begin to describe to you. I hear them screaming in my sleep so often I have become accustomed to it. I find this is why I can't close my eyes at night time and sleep.

I hope it goes well at the psychologists. She did promise me that she was going to be as no confronting as possible and speak to him and just let him know what needs to happen to make my life a little more comfortable at home so I can be more well equipped to deal with the multitude of hurt/pain/trauma/suffering I am facing. I will keep you posted on what happens anyway. My appointment is this Thursday.

I have read a few of the books you have listed and found them quite good reads myself. I have a wide selection of authors which I like to read and I will read just about anything. J.R.R Tolkien- Lord of the Rings/Hobbit, J.K. Rowling- Harry Potter, Homer's Iliad, James Redfield-Celestine Prophecy Series, Orson Scott Card- Enders Game Series, Stephen King- The Green Mile and a few others, Quinn Loftis - The Grey Wolves Series and a few others. I don't think I have limited myself to any author in particular but I will read anything anyone recommends to me and continue from there. If I like their style of writing I will read all they have written, even if it is bad so I can make an informed decision about whether I want to purchase the paperback. I buy most of my books on Kindle so I can see if they are worth investing in.

I hope today finds you well Neil. Please take care of yourself and I hope to chat to you soon.

Keep smiling 🙂

Kbet

I witnessed a murder

Neil_1 — Wed, 16 Dec 2015 00:27:49 GMT

Dear Kbet

Hey, thanx so much for sharing those books/authors with me. I might do some research, investigation into them; some sound quite interesting. I’m also reading Brisinger right now and not Eldest – as Eldest was the 2nd book in the series.

I’m really pleased that you’re able to come here and write down exactly whatever you feel you’d like to. But I do hear you with regard to having heard certain things over and over, they do get stuck in our psyche; but this is your new beginning, your new journey and I hope you will be able to pick up positives all over the place as you progress forward.

As I mentioned before, even if sometimes you might experience a set-back, please don’t worry – because the overall goal is set down for path/journey in the right direction, so look upon any set-back, as a slight stumble, as you move forward.

Actually I had a really good childhood and growing up – 19 years on a farm and it was all pretty good. No real complaints at all, so makes me think that my subconscious is just taking me back to somewhere that I felt good about – and also knowing that it’s no longer available as it’s been sold.

That is awful to hear of your nightmares – horrible to hear that your children would be caught up in something so terrible. I sure hope that during this journey of yours forward, there’ll be someone who might be able to address this kind of thing with you and to hopefully get them to happen less and less for you.

I have fingers crossed (after I finish typing of course … makes it very hard to type with crossed fingers!) that your appointment is a positive and helpful one tomorrow – for all concerned.

Kind regards

Neil

I witnessed a murder

Kbet — Thu, 17 Dec 2015 05:30:44 GMT

Neil,

As always you are the light in a day of darkness and I thank you for that. These are just some of my favourites. Let me know which ones you like and I will recommend more of the same genre. I have nearly 2000 books on my kindle and about 100 in my personal library at home. I just love the written word so much. I struggle with talking to people so writing things down really helps me encapsulate how I think and feel on such a different level.

I am glad to hear you had an amazing childhood. I am from a family of farmers myself. I used to always question my mum on what it was like to live on a farm and I always feel at peace in the country. There is just something so simple, serene and uncomplicated about being on a farm. I am glad your subconscious is reminding you that life can be a good thing and when you are awake you have those dreams in your mind to help you deal with the daily struggles we face with mental illness.

Well the appointment is tonight. I am tired atm so I don't know how its going to go. I also feel very confrontational and angry with the reasons why. What did I do to deserve being treated this way and why is life like this for me? I cant think of a time where I've had some peace from pain and trauma. I don't even know what that is like. I get these episodes where I am feel exuberantly happy, talk really fast and just basically running around like a kid and I cant sit still. My family don't know how to react when I am like this because its not usually who I am. I have no idea why I am like it and it sometimes can last for a few days. I don't care what I say, who I say it too or how my actions seem to other people. Its all so confusing. A month or so ago I wanted to leave so badly I thought of emptying my bank account and flying to another part of the world to go shopping and have some fun. I have thought about quitting my job too and handing my kids over to there dads so I don't have to be responsible anymore. Then sometimes I wont even let my 15 and 14 year old go outside because I am scared they are going to die. Its just so strange to be me.

Please take care of you Neil. I am sorry I think I am having a very weird day today and I don't know if anything I have said here makes any sense.

Keep smiling Mr "Young at Heart" man and have a great day.

Kbet

I witnessed a murder

Neil_1 — Fri, 18 Dec 2015 03:58:27 GMT

Dear Kbet

Wowee, that’s some library of books – mega. It’s great though isn’t it – you find some good books and you can really lose yourself for a while. Plus they’re so handy to have for locations like a ride on a bus, waiting at the Doc’s and so many more, but I’ll shut up on that for now. But yeah, it’s great stuff.

As mentioned I really like those Jack Reacher books – so things with lots of action in them; I’m really enjoying the Eragon books, and have now just commenced the last one, Inheritance. Also read The Great Dragon Zoo of China, which was an excellent read also.

Another book that I’ve read about 3 times is the story of a serial killer from the mafia, The Iceman; I just found that so enthralling for how he did it and got away with it for so many years.

Yes, those memories of the farm are wonderful, but alas, that’s all we have now. Even my kids still remember times from when they were little when they’d ride around in the ute and go through the different paddocks, etc. And I know exactly what you mean by saying that you feel at peace in the country. It’s just a different lifestyle – more tranquil, relaxed and as you say, uncomplicated.

I really hope your appointment went well for you … and that this was another positive step towards this new journey.

You sure do have a fair bit racing around in your mind – and I thought it was excellent that you were able to write it down, or at least parts of it. At times I do worry about my daughter as well, when she goes off on a walk with our dog. But she’s very switched on etc, but still yes, those thoughts are not yours alone. It’s funny isn’t it … when someone says something that’s weird and I respond with, “Well you oughta live 24/7 inside my head!”.

And dear Kbet, no need to ever be sorry on this site – you write it as you see it and how you feel, and that’s the beautiful thing about this place – you write something and that’s awesome – a little bit of opening up and maybe sometimes, someone will be able to proffer something to say in response, and yet other times not. But at the end of the day, we’ve been able to unload, or just write and to get things down on a screen can be helpful in a therapeutic kind of way.

Kind regards

Neil

I witnessed a murder

Kbet — Tue, 22 Dec 2015 05:11:05 GMT

Dear Neil,

Yes the library is extensive and a real escape route when I just feel like getting lost somewhere. The Iceman is an amazing book. I have read that a number of times. I have a fascination with crimes/crime shows. I have watch the documentaries done on Richard Kulklinski a few times also and I was fascinated with his thought process and lack of remorse or regret.

My appointment was a disaster. I felt like a lab experiment with two people making judgements on how messed up my brain is. My husband kept interjecting with how dysfunctional I am and talking about himself all the time which made me feel really inadequate and overwhelmed. I even told my psychologist that I didn't know whether I would be back for the next appointment. She even asked me if I was ok to drive I was that shaken up. It definitely wasn't a good appointment and when my husband asked me about it later I refused to talk about it. I felt very victimised, upset and angry.

Thank you for your kind words of encouragement. I have really cherished hearing from you and how you are going. Please take care of yourself and keep smiling as well as you can.

Kind Regards

Kbet

I witnessed a murder

Neil_1 — Wed, 23 Dec 2015 02:53:29 GMT

Dear Kbet

Oh boy – this post is going to be a two-toned one; firstly about the Iceman, cause for some reason it really fascinated me also; plus I’ve got another one to mention as well. Secondly it’s going to be more serious and relevant to you and your um, unfortunate appointment.

Wow, I kind of mentioned it kind of off the cuff cause you know, when you mention things about serial killers, etc one might get the wrong impression, but to hear what you’ve said, it’s exactly the same as me. Have read the book at least 3 times. Have seen the HBO documentaries of him – I think there were three different ones and I have them taped. And there is also a movie out – I think it came out last year.

Also, not sure if you’ve seen the series “The Fall”, but I’ve just finished watching both the first two seasons and holy, it’s one helluva story as well. Apparently Season Three is set to commence sometime in early 2016.

I’m also a massive fan of Dexter. Have all the books, though they don’t follow the TV series one bit – and have all series of it on DVD also. Huge fan.

I am so sorry to hear how the appointment went – with how we spoke about it leading up to it, it probably couldn’t have gone more differently (and wrong) for you. I’m really surprised that neither your psych or your husband picked up how it was all affecting you – especially your psych who is trained to be able to see the emotions changing within a person. Considering she was able to tell how upset and affected you were by asking if you were ok to drive afterwards.

I really think that some words you wrote are some to be told to your husband. “Dear hubby (or insert his name), you remember that appointment we had the other day. Do you think it went well for me? After all, it was designed to be with one purpose – to help me. For how I felt about it? I felt I had basically no say and was made to feel inadequate and just a whole feeling of being completely overwhelmed. I came away feeling victimised, upset and very angry.”

That’s just a thought for what you could potentially say – though you may have done this already.

As much as possible, try not to let this appointment get to you (yeah, real easy to say Neil – try being in my shoes) and I agree with that as well. Ok, this was a bump in the road – the road to a better future is still there and available. We just have to try again.

Keep writing.

Neil