topic Too much to bare in PTSD and trauma

Too much to bare

Kbet — Mon, 30 Nov 2015 05:24:54 GMT

I lost my father to cancer before I turned 5 years old and I still remember seeing his face in hospital in those last precious moments. I went through many traumatic moments as an adolescent (abuse) and when I was 16 years old I witnessed a murder. Life just got worse from there miscarriages, rape and domestic violence. A never-ending spiral of hatred, self loathing and a feeling of being tortured. I have tried to stay strong but my grip is slipping. I can no longer see anything in front of me. Nothing worth holding onto. More and more things keep piling up on my shoulders. A brother with cancer, an elderly mother and a dysfunctional family. I have no support system because I am the support system. I have put all my memories into boxes in my mind just so I can wake up each day and go to work. I don't even know how I manage that because I find myself making myself sick with worry just so I don't have to leave my house. So I don't have to pretend to be alright. I barely sleep and I find it hard to communicate with people. How can I function now?

Too much to bare

Zeal — Tue, 01 Dec 2015 00:20:07 GMT

Hi Kbet,

First off, I am so sorry to hear of the hardship, trauma and harm you have suffered through. You are brave and strong for coming to this forum for help. Losing your father must have been so hard at so young an age. I lost my Nana when I was 2 (also to cancer), but I was too young for me to be able to remember her now.

It is admirable but must be so mentally and physically difficult to always be a support to everyone around you. Do you have another sibling that can help you support your brother? Or even a close cousin or family friend? You definitely deserve help and support, though how you will get this I don't know. If it is financially practical, could you get a carer for your Mum for a few days a week?

Are your living arrangements stressful? This sometimes is unavoidable, but is there any way you could get more space and time to yourself, even if just for an afternoon or two a week? Sorry about all the questions - I just don't know enough about your situation and are trying to think of potential options. I realise you may have dealt with or considered these options already.

Going and talking to a GP about your health and wellbeing is a good option. They can guide you, and may refer you to another professional to help tackle your past trauma and hardship.

I hope something I said has been helpful 🙂

Best wishes,

Too much to bare

Kbet — Wed, 02 Dec 2015 00:56:12 GMT

SM,

Thankyou for your response I really appreciate it. I did respond to you yesterday but it doesn't seem to have come through for some reason. I only have two brothers and one of them has cancer. My other brother just seems content to live his own life and spend the minimal amount of time with us.

I just feel like not matter what I do I am never going to get out of this whole I seem to find myself stuck in. I have sort medical help (anti-depressants) and am also seeing a psychologist. I barely get any free time and when I do all I want to do is curl up in a ball and sleep or sit by myself just to find that glimpse of peace that seems to evade my waking moments.

I find myself avoiding conversations with people. How can I talk to people when I can even articulate what is going on inside of me, or how I feel? I am having a particularly bad day today and I'm at work. How can I cope with this, provide for my family and be a support to my sick brother and my mum.

I appreciate the advice you have given and that you took time to read my post. Thanks SM

Kbet

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Neil_1 — Wed, 02 Dec 2015 23:55:39 GMT

Hi there Kbet

I’d also like to welcome you to Beyond Blue and to thank you for coming here and providing your posts.

It’s a massive shame when family kind of wish to split or to not put in as much effort as “we” would like them too. Really it shouldn’t an effort, it should be a natural response to a beloved family member. I’m speaking here of a brother who refuses to have anything to do with the family anymore and it’s just plain horrible.

I can sense the compassion and support that you have for your brother and with that, you are no doubt putting as much energy as you can generate into providing support for him. I suspect he would be fully aware of this and would be so incredibly appreciative of you doing this.

When you say ‘provide for your own family’, I guessing here that this is your own family – possible partner and possible children? If that is the case, have you been able to talk to your partner about how things are for you? I hope I’m not being too intrusive here, but am just trying to put forward possible suggestions to help ease your load.

Is your work aware of any of your issues that you’re facing? Ie: like another colleague or a possible supervisor? Just perhaps someone there who you might be able to confide in; you know, for a bit of support for you during your work hours, again, just to possibly help out a bit.

It is great to hear that you’ve sought out professional help (along with anti-depressants) – not sure how long you’ve been on them, but if you’re only in the early stages, they generally take 6 or so weeks before their effect begins. Are you finding that you’re getting some benefits from seeing your psychologist?

Would love to hear back from you.

Kind regards

Neil

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Kbet — Thu, 03 Dec 2015 00:25:18 GMT

Hello Neil1,

Thankyou for the welcome and replying to my post. My brother with cancer lives long distance so it is hard to do as much as I would like for him. My mum travels once a week to see him and to do his washing, but this takes its toll on her. I try to make her dinners that she can microwave so she isn't having to cook for herself and so I know she is eating properly. She is 70 years old and lives independently, but we both live in the metro area and my brothers both live an hours drive from us. My mum and I take turns in making sure that my brother is ok but I know this job will fall to me when my mum can no longer commute to see him.

I have spoken to my HR representative at work and with my supervisor to make them aware of what is going on. I don't want to tell them too much information but have at least touched base with them about the issues I am facing. I did have to leave work yesterday as my body just shut down. I drove home and curled up in a ball and went to sleep. I just felt so exhausted.

I don't really have anyone to confide in but I am trying to talk more to my husband. He is struggling to understand how after 10 years of being together it has suddenly become an issue. I told him that I have been dealing with this for 35 years or more, but have learnt to mask the pain and struggles I face. My mind has become tired and I cant hide these issues anymore. I have lost who I am and I don't know if I ever will be able to find her again. I have 5 children, 3 of my own and 2 step children. The oldest are 21 and 19 and they don't live at home anymore. I have 2 at home permanently and 1 that comes every weekend. I rarely see free time but my husband and I get one weekend a month where we don't have any kids at home. My husband likes to go out and socialize or out to dinner but all I want to do is stay home and relax in the silence.

I started the medication 4 weeks ago so I am hoping it turns around for me soon. I have only been to 2 sessions with my psychologist and have found it very hard to deal with. I struggle closing the doors on my subconscious memory after each session and my mind replays the horror over and over all night so I subsequently don't get a lot of sleep. She has recommended me also seeing a psychiatrist but I find that I am struggling with the cost of her treatment (which apparently is going to be long term) let alone adding another cost to it.

Thankyou for your reply and advice.

Warm regards

Kbet

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Neil_1 — Thu, 03 Dec 2015 23:11:17 GMT

Dear Kbet

Thanx heaps for your latest response – & from all that I’m reading, it really didn’t surprise me that when you left work & got home, you curled up & went to sleep. The whole situation is really piling up for you & when you get to that stage, sleep can be a much needed & welcome respite. It’s also no doubt, the body telling you that it needs to recharge.

Yes, that’s good that you’ve been able to just shed a little light at work. That’s all they really need – just to be aware of circumstances, but no real in depth details.

That’s also such a common occurrence – when opening up to your nearest & dearest & they then struggle to understand things & that old question of why is it now an issue? But it’s simply not just now – it’s been there all the time, but we’ve been doing our best to hide it or keep it under wraps. But in the end, the illness wins out & it gets impossible for us to battle it on our own. So then we divulge & our partners have trouble understanding. And it’s not their fault that they don’t understand. I mean, I’ve lived with mine for many years & I still struggle to understand it.

Socialising for us is so difficult – but perhaps an option might be for a family dinner, just you, hubby & the kids; or just you & hubby? For me, anything more than that & that is way too much & out of my comfort zone. Just a thought there.

Even if you can manage some spare time occasionally to go to the hairdressers or to a place where they do massages or facials, etc. Hey, just a quick digression – I heard yesterday that there’s a hairdresser place that’s got a ‘silent’ chair; you pre-book it & when you go, you can sit there & read or do whatever, but will not be questioned with the trivial small-talk that often takes place. I wonder if that’ll take off?

It’s really not fair that psych appointments can cost so much – which can be one of our stressors as well – the financial side of things. I also hope that you start to feel a little relief soon from your meds.

Would love to hear from you again.

Neil

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Kbet — Wed, 09 Dec 2015 22:55:32 GMT

Hi Neil1,

Thanks again for your response. I have tried to plan things with my family like going out and having fun but it always ends up in an argument with my husband and the kids or between me and my husband because of the kids. I have even tried just going out with my husband but I have found it difficult because we usually have nothing to talk about and end up stumbling through the evening together.

I spend most of my time writing my book, reading or watching TV and I can barely have conversations with my own family. I have spent most of the last year hardly talking to anyone and when I do I find that not a lot of people understand me and I doubt that anyone I associate with knows who I am anymore. I feel like I am expected to be one way and I try to make it seems like I haven't changed at all but really in the grand scheme of things I am nothing like I used to be. I don't feel like I am ever going to be that person anymore and I am scared that once they realise it they are no longer going to want to be around me.

I have even tried to take time for myself so I can gain some clarity and peace but my husband doesn't like when I go out on my own and he makes me feel guilty for even thinking it.

I just don't know what to do anymore and my antidepressants aren't working. I just feel empty. I feel like I don't have a purpose.

Thanks for listening

Kbet

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Neil_1 — Thu, 10 Dec 2015 23:19:34 GMT

Dear Kbet

I’m sorry to hear that things aren’t so flash with the fam when trying to go out for a dinner or the like. Maybe some other things might be to see what activities, perhaps the kids enjoy and see if something can be organised around that? Our fam has only recently started having the occasional game of the card game, Uno. Which is always a bit of fun.

I like the sound of you writing your book – I’m guessing it’s a story of your life and all that has happened and is happening? I’ve done the same thing and it now sits in manuscript form – not sure where it’ll go from here, but at least it’s largely done. Of course with each year that I continue on this journey, I guess I should continue to add to it.

With regard to your meds, do you think it might be worthwhile seeking out an appointment with your doc – to let them know that you don’t feel they are working and getting some of their professional advice and also some other possible suggestions they may have?

Kind regards

Neil

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Kbet — Mon, 14 Dec 2015 03:19:45 GMT

Dear Neil,

Uno was a great game. I played it a lot as a kid but trying to get my teenagers to sit down and do anything that doesn't involve a screen is very difficult. I am trying to find ideas to spend time with them but I find I just feel too exhausted most of the time.

I write to help myself escape. I haven't started personal memoir its more along the lines of a fantasy with werewolves and vampires. I think that if I really wrote down what was in my head I might actually get committed.. (I actually laughed about that when I thought about it because it definitely could happen ha-ha)

I am think about going back to the doctors and seeing him about my anti depressants and what has been going on the with the psychologist so I can make sure he is aware of what is going on with me and can accurately prescribe what I need. He is a brilliant doctor who listens to me and makes me feel comfortable which I find very important.

Thankyou for your advice once again. You are a wealth of knowledge and understanding

Kbet x

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Neil_1 — Mon, 14 Dec 2015 23:59:57 GMT

Dear Kbet

We’ve even had a go at scrabble from time to time – or yahtzee; just those easy kind of games. We also scored a Wii from Santa a few years back and so we sometimes dig that out and have a game of racing on the Mario Kart tracks – and that’s where the kids really excel over their oldies. Can only just try with them I guess – but everyone is a bit different, so it’s hard to know.

My son said something to us a little while ago that was so funny. He read on line somewhere that a teenage boy had his internet and all computer games, etc go down. He had to spend some time out in the house with his family – and he said, that his parents actually seem like decent people. I’ve always enjoyed that one.

Oh boy, with that writing – keep on with it, keep going; I like the sound of that a lot. You’ve also got a very easy to read writing style, so I wouldn’t think it would be such a bad idea to give your memoirs a lash – I mean, where’s it going to go after all? And if it’s something you enjoy, why not have a go at doing something like that.

Kbet, that is awesome for how your doctor is. That is such an important aspect for us who suffer and to have someone that you feel so comfortable with and supported by is a massive bonus. They can also be a source of another type of support for us as well – ok, sure they do cost, but at least they’re not as exy as seeing a psych.

Kind regards

Neil

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Kbet — Tue, 15 Dec 2015 00:36:33 GMT

Dear Neil,

I will try to brainstorm with the kids and find out what they want to play. Maybe this will help them pick something they might actually want to do. I loved Yahtzee and adore scrabble because I love words.. Spending time with them is something I want to expand on that is for sure.

My son is so much like the teenager you mentioned. He spends 90% of his time at home in his room on the internet playing games or studying. He only ever surfaces when the internet goes down, he is hungry or needs the bathroom. I often think that I am losing touch with who my children are now they are getting older and sometimes its like I don't know who they are at all. I know that as your children get older the relationship changes slightly but sometimes I feel very disconnected from them. I want that to change. I want to be involved in there lives more. I just wish I knew how.

I am enjoying my writing. I especially enjoy writing about werewolves and vampires and have done a lot of research into the direction I want to take it. I have sounds ideas about how I want the story to progress but I have hit a bit of a snag, my mind is so full of coping with what I am going through right now that I haven't been able to move forward. I have only written 55,000 words so far and there is still so much more to go. I haven't even looked at my story for a few months but I hope to get back to it. I would like to write my memoirs but I have had a lot of things happen in my life that I have never shared. I will definitely keep it in mind though because it would be very cathartic.

How are you feeling today? I cant thankyou enough for listening and responding to my posts. Its has brought me great comfort the last couple of days. You are such a lovely person and so very genuine which I find rare in todays society. I hope that life is treating you kind and you have managed to find something to smile about today.

Sending my best wishes to you.

Kbet x

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Neil_1 — Wed, 16 Dec 2015 00:29:00 GMT

Dear Kbet

Great to hear from you again; and yes, there are so many games out there, that can be fun. It’s just a matter I guess of either finding the right one OR waiting until you see signs of your kids perhaps wanting to do ‘stuff’ with their parents, etc. But something as you say, very worth expanding on and working on.

That’s the thing with how we’re feeling – if you’re at a low ebb and simply don’t wish to write or feel like you can’t, that’s totally cool. You’re the most important person in the world and as such, you need to make sure you’re doing everything that you possibly can to make sure you’re on the right track and everything you can to be feeling better. The writing, the story isn’t going anywhere – the good thing to know is that it IS there and that you can go back to it when you feel able to do so.

On the other side of the coin, it’s very important to know that you do enjoy writing, so this could be something that you’re still able to do, while on your journey forward.

I’ve been feeling quite blah for some time now – whether it’s this time of year, I’m not sure. I do have some injuries that aren’t much fun, and as I’m usually a pretty physical active person, this is very frustrating. On top of this, I’m still processing my Mum not being here anymore; which was 12 months back in October. And how everything still continues on, as normal.

I do usually get a good smile of an evening, when I catch up with my Mum’s little dog; she’s the one in the pic; she is just so incredibly cute; 16yo and a bit wonky, but her personality is just beautiful. And lucky for her, she loves being held … cause she sure gets her share of spoils and cuddles. 🙂

You made me blush with your words about me … thank you so much for your super kind words.

Neil

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Kbet — Thu, 17 Dec 2015 05:05:23 GMT

Hi Neil,

Yes I will get back to my story at some stage. I have found it more important lately to try and cope with everyday and am finding just doing that is quite tiring. I hope that with my absence from work (due to Christmas shutdown) I will be able to get some time to write a few paragraphs or maybe even a chapter.

I might start journaling again. I had a journal for a few years when I was in my late teens to deal with those everyday feelings that I have. I use to write poems about the inner darkness and that helped me encapsulate my feelings in a more direct form. I might try this again and see if it sheds any light on what state the inner turmoil is at.

I get asked all the time to try and explain what I am feeling inside. Sometimes I can pinpoint the emotions quite well and other times I get caught up in the web of my existence and struggle to explain the darkness surrounding me. Articulating what is going on in "the super hwy" that is my brain confuses my husband and he struggles to understand how to cope with my ever changing moods and random outbursts. I usually am a very calm person so when I randomly "go off" at him for something insignificant he usually asks me where it's coming from. (I tend to box up my pain, hurt and anger until I am ready to explode) It isn't his fault, I know that and I try to tell him that but I feel like someone should notice that I am not coping. I don't know if that makes sense.

I am sorry to hear you have been feeling blah... I have injuries too, I broke my shoulder bone in half about 4 months ago and I am still struggling with range of movement and pain. I also have a nice scar to show for it. I should go back to the orthopaedic surgeon but I am just so over bad news and really detest going to the doctors in any way shape or form. I usually avoid it at all costs. Mainly because it costs me so much these days. I hope that the injuries are healing and you get some semblance of normalcy back into your life.

I am sorry to hear about the loss of your mum. This would have been a devastating blow for sure. I cant even imagine what that would be like. I lost my dad but there is definitely something special about the bond with a mum that leaves a lasting impression on your psyche. I hope you get a little peace by knowing she is never really gone as long as her memory still remains with you.

Your mums dog is awesome. I have a little dog too!!! The comfort they give is priceless. Take care of You!!

Kbet

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Neil_1 — Fri, 18 Dec 2015 03:57:10 GMT

Dear Kbet

Thank you for your lovely words regarding Mum. Having lost both parents now, and how I shared a great bond with both, it is very hard dealing with and coming to terms with. Dad passed away in 2007 and yet I still want to call him up and talk to him. Used to phone home probably twice a week on average.

I’ve now got two separate tatts that are in memory of Dad and Mum – both on my lower right leg; one on the inside of the calf and the other on the outside of the calf. And with Mum’s which was done about a month ago, with flowers looping through in the shape of a heart, I designed it to then loop through Dad’s tatt as well (done in 2008) and so the link for them is there again. They were married for 53 years.

But grief is just so hard – and I’ve lost a brother in 1991, and so 3 deaths – so close to you – they’ve really affected me and it’s just so difficult to deal with. Knowing that they’re gone – totally final. You cannot do anything about it and that’s where you just have to move on – you have to continue to keep going.

That’s where my two children are so incredibly important to me. They are my world (17yo and 15yo) and they are wonderful young people, so we’re very lucky that they are growing up to be sensible, well adjusted (despite having me as their dad, which I keep telling them, that’s gotta be a drawback for them!) 😉 😉

Yes, the Christmas shutdown … that will be good. And what better time than to commence a bit more writing of books or journals. I even tried penning a few destructive heavy metal kind of songs a while back and gave them to my son. He LOVES that genre of music – certainly not my scene, as in the growling, but he also is a pretty talented drummer of that type, so I really hope something happens for him with that. He’s certainly dedicated to it. As our eardrums can attest too.

Anyway, time to go for the moment.

Take care and hope you have as lovely a weekend as you can.

Neil

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Kbet — Tue, 22 Dec 2015 03:58:56 GMT

Dear Neil,

I haven't lost my mum yet but have lost two dads along the way so I know it is hard. My dad who raised me (not my biological father) passed away in 2008 in November and I still ache for his company. I am like you and keep in constant contact with my parents so not having dad to talk to does make it hard. I still have mum with me atm so that makes things a little easier. I will also be getting a tattoo done when my mum goes and it will be for both mum and dad. Maybe two flowers a gerbera for dad and a carnation for my mum. (both their favourite flowers) I don't really know yet I haven't thought much about it.

I have a brother who is sick, he has cancer and struggles with living atm. He is in remission but he wont go for regular doctors appointments or get check out like he is meant to. He has his own mental health issues that I know he struggles with but we are hoping he gets to see them soon.

I loved heavy metal growing up but I am now drifting towards more relaxing songs that have meaning (not that some heavy metal doesn't have meaning) but you know what I mean, less ear damaging songs haha:). Your children sound amazing and I am sure you are an amazing dad. Just overly critical on yourself as we can sometimes be.

Anyway make sure you take care and keep safe over Christmas.

Merry Christmas,

Kbet