topic Disconnected in PTSD and trauma

Disconnected

Guest_2350 — Tue, 22 Sep 2015 17:11:56 GMT

I am travelling in my home countries at the moment with a lot of friends and family and I am feeling so disconnected, it is weird to explain. This should be such a happy time and we have planned this trip for so long! I enter memory lane from time to time and I only sometimes feel present, when I hug loved ones. Then it is all gone again. I must make all the right moves, as apart from my husband no one has commented on my solemn mood.

I just want the holiday to be over. I wonder where all the years have gone. I know now that I have run away from all the memories and I don't really want to be here. I want to be where I feel safe, where I feel no hassle. I have just stopped understanding myself. I just don't make sense.I have been feeling the clouds closing in the last few days, is there nothing I can do to stop this downward spiral?

Disconnected

Neil_1 — Wed, 23 Sep 2015 03:39:36 GMT

Hi there yggy

So is it just you and your husband doing the travelling? No one else with you?

It sounds like your husband has picked up on your solemn mood – is he ok with it and as a result, is he supportive of you? Trying to do things to shield you a bit from others or perhaps unwanted attention?

How long have you been gone for now and how long do you have left with your holiday? I understand your comment of wanting to be where you feel safe and feel no hassle.

With regard to the time still left, are there things you can plan for that could just involve you and your hubby doing things just by yourselves? Some of your own sight-seeing and if possible, to make it earlier in the day, when there might be less people about? Is there opportunity for you to be by yourself, if you really wished for that ??

Something that will be hard to do, as I find this hard also, especially when I’m out of my comfort zone and that is to recognise that the time that you’re away for at the moment is only but a ‘moment’ in your life. It might well feel an awful lot longer than that to you right now, but whenever you are back home, and “in your safe place”, you will be able to look back and realise that indeed, that time away did pass by quite quickly. It might also have you thinking, that even though you weren’t in your safe place, you were still supported by your husband and though it was a place kind of foreign to you, the bottom line was, you managed to get through it.

I don’t know if that made sense, but I hope some of it helped.

Kind regards

Neil

Disconnected

Doolhof — Wed, 23 Sep 2015 03:50:07 GMT

Hi Yggy,

I find it tough to have feelings of disconnection where I live, let alone in a different country away from what is now unfamiliar. If you can, try and find something new and different to do in the areas you are visiting.

When I return to the place where I grew up, I usually feel a bit weird, like I don't belong there any more. I try to make the most of it. I tell myself I can handle the visit and soon enough I will be returning to my own home again.

I ask the people I meet about themselves so then the focus is taken off of me and how I am feeling.

I also find the countryside, parks, any place near water to be a comfort and try to find those sorts of places when I feel uneasy.

Chat with your husband and try to explain how you are feeling. He might be able to come up with some options as well.

Wishing you well on your travels.

From Mrs. Dools

Disconnected

Guest_2350 — Fri, 25 Sep 2015 08:03:49 GMT

Dear Neil & Mrs. Dools,

thank you for your answers. It is good to be able to talk about this and hear some other experiences. It helped me to remember that "this too shall pass". Makes me sad to think of my holidays in this way.

(Un)fortunately we are travelling in a rather large group of friends and time out is basically impossible. I try to go for runs when time and weather allow and I sleep. I try to keep my husband in the dark as much as possible, as it is bad enough if I don't enjoy the holiday as much as I should. I know this may be wrong, but I hope if I just fake a happy face long enough I might just believe it myself! I think my husband could be supportive but he is not very sensitive and he does not understand.

We have just finished week 1 of 5. Hopefully I will settle into a routine now that the jetlag is behind me. I struggle more when we move hotels every day, but we have a few longer stays as well, so that is good.

I am trying to remember that I am safe, I am not threatened in the present moment. I find this really important when I get anxious. And I use my "Worry diary" a lot that I rename my "Angry diary" in my angry days. I am glad that I have realised my mood cycles before going on this trip so I can wait out the sad, numb, angry days and look forward to the brief period of being present and at times even happy!

Mrs. Dools, I try to shift the focus to other people as much as I can - I feel stunned when people ask about myself, I just don't know what to answer. Normally I try to change the subject.

Thank you again for your support, I am not feeling so alone when I read posts here!

Best regards from England, Yggy

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Doolhof — Fri, 25 Sep 2015 22:11:42 GMT

Hi Yggy,

It certainly sounds like you are trying your best to make the most of what is going on around you. I hope you will be able to relax more and enjoy parts of your day more.

I certainly know what you mean about having to pack up and move all of the time. I don't cope very well with that part of a holiday either. For me I think it is the constant change that I find a little unsettling.

Another problem I have is that when I am stressed or nervous I need to pee frequently. Each night in a different room, I have to remember where the toilet is and how to find it in the dark so I don't disturb my husband. I would like a dollar for every time I have banged into furniture and door frames! Ha. Ha.

I have found that taking a lot of photos helps me feel more like I am in the moment.

Modern technology is wonderful isn't it. There you are the other side of the world and you can still keep in touch!

I'm going to have a busy day. I have booked in for a long over due hair cut, I have recently started studying for my work so need to do some study, I want to do some gardening and let the chooks out, the sun is shining so I have the washing to organise, lunch to prepare and in the late afternoon friends are arriving and will stay the night.

Apparently they are leaving fairly early which is a good thing as I have a full day of Country Fire Service training on Sunday then I hope to do more study in the evening. My husband seemed to have forgotten I was going to be busy all day Sunday, even though it is all on the calendar.

I think I will have a weekend away when my study is finished!

Hoping you are keeping well. Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools

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Neil_1 — Tue, 29 Sep 2015 03:27:59 GMT

Dear Yggy (in England)

Well, you’re well and truly into Week Two of your time away and I hope that with all your mechanisms in place, that you’re able to get some kind of calmness happening for yourself and if not, then I hope the weather is at least better, so you can return to our shores VERY fit – due to you getting out and running a lot. 🙂

I do hope that you can be aware of when the brief periods of happiness happen and that you’re able to enjoy some different parts of your holiday.

The living out of a suitcase can be an issue, but it can also be a case of not having to ‘unload’ or ‘unpack’ everything all of the time, so you can hopefully somehow just pick out a few items and use those. That way you don’t have to unload and scatter everything (or is that what a bloke does?) and then at the end of that, you have to then get it all together again and packed up.

The camera and photo suggestion by Mrs Dools was a good one I thought – and so snap away as much as you can; especially these days with how they are, the more shots taken, well who cares, cause if one or twenty of them don’t turn out, just delete them and move on. I know my partner and daughter would most evenings (if time allowed) would upload (or download, not sure which) the photos taken from that day into a folder on the laptop, or whatever piece of technology they took with them – so that ‘might’ be something you could do also; to while away some time of an evening?

Or you also suggested your diary that you have – that could be another possible ‘escape’ mechanism where you can slide away from whatever might be happening, as you need to update your ‘blog’ or whatever.

I guess that’s just me thinking aloud here. I know I know, I possibly shouldn’t do that – well not that AND type at the same time, as it can have embarrassing effects for all concerned; the author and the reader. Sorry about that. 🙂 😉

Ps: just to let you know, that by the end of the coming week we’re going to be experiencing temps of around the 30 degree mark – oh boy, I cannot wait. 🙂

Kind regards

Neil

ps: I note your pic that you have now - did you pick that up somewhere in England?? 🙂

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Guest_2350 — Tue, 29 Sep 2015 07:15:07 GMT

Dear Mrs. Dools & Neil,

there will be 2 posts. I wrote too much.

Greetings from Rome. We sure are travelling a lot and I am looking forward to my last European flight tomorrow - then we are living out of the car again.

I have left my husband and daughter in bed this morning and we are only meeting the rest of our friends in the afternoon so I thought I will have a quiet coffee and breakfast on my own - something very rare these days.

I am grateful my daughter is here, she just cuddles me and makes me feel so fuzzy inside that I forget the world for a moment. She has grown into an amazing woman and will be a mother for the first time soon, but she is still my little baby. I have missed her so much!

My strategies do not really work? I prioritise sleep, which is great and I sleep much more than at home. My first challenge of the day is taking my meds for my head, which I have to take with food - my stomach is so bad I cannot risk it without - so the times vary a bit. I feel shaky when I take them late, and I am not sure if this is all in my head as I have only started the meds a few weeks ago... My running is pretty much non existent. Once the sun came back I went for a run and hurt my hip - so bad that I could barely walk. I think it comes from my back. I have not got access to my team of chiro, physio, massage so I am trying to treat it with rest and gentle movement and meds. So now I feel like a walking meds cabinet... Eating in Italy is a major frustration. Gluten and lactose free is difficult to find, coupling this with feeding a large group... I just watch them eat all the things I loved to eat... I am also upset with my psych... And I am getting a cold now... I guess at times I spend a little too much time feeling sorry for myself..

Disconnected

Guest_2350 — Tue, 29 Sep 2015 07:20:29 GMT

Part 2

But to be honest I am coping reasonably well. I have had no major mood drops or anxiety attacks although we have been in large crowds. It helps when my husband is there as he does shield me when I get upset - he has always known me with anxiety of enclosed rooms and crowds. My mood has cycled a few times and I remove myself when things get bad. I do a lot of breathing exercises and use my worry book when situations are tense. I remind myself that I have been in worse situations - I guess it helps that I have actually travelled a lot in my life time. I struggle with tension between people and try to remind myself that this too shall pass. I try to remove myself from the situation. I try to focus on the fact that I am not threatened. I am trying to practice this as much as I can as I am going to the places next where all of my trauma has happened. And I am not prepared. I am worried and scared about the feelings that will surface. I have had a lot of feelings bubbling up and there is a lot of anger and hopelessness and sadness and hate... I am trying to build up my walls and bottle up these feelings - I hope it is enough. I cannot face my demons without help. We are entering lands my husband does not know about. I think this is the reason why I feel so disconnected most times and as if I watch from another place. I do not actually want to be present when things start surfacing. I scared myself a few weeks back when still in Australia, I don't want to go back into that state of mind.

I really want to share my travels with you and am so sorry to be blubbering on about the dark sides, but I have no one else to tell, so thank you for listening. But I want to finish on some nice tales. I try to write in my gratitude journal every day.

I went to Tintagel castle in North Cornwall the first time and I loved seeing the ruins and running up all the stairs and standing in the wind! It was very special to me as I read many books about Tintagel in my youth and always wanted to see it!

Now I am sitting on a roof top terrace in Rome, sipping Italian coffee and having the colosseum in view. I went to visit the Colosseum yesterday and am amazed! As an engineer these structures are so special to view and I marvel in the excellence of their engineers & building techniques all these centuries ago - actually millennia!

Hope you are well and looking after yourself!

PS: Neil, my profile pic is me trying to paint happy colours and prevent the clown from crying.

Disconnected

Doolhof — Tue, 29 Sep 2015 21:41:57 GMT

Hi Yggy and Neil,

It sounds to me like you are coping well without all of your usual supports Yggy! It is difficult when you are experiencing such emotions when you are on holidays without your general care people being there with you. I know what it is like to struggle and try to find ways to keep going.

It is frustrating when the usual coping mechanisms don't work well. I suppose in a different environment it is not always conducive to receiving good results.

You mentioned entering an area where there was turmoil in the past, am I right in thinking that? I sometimes find that the time leading up to a confrontation is usually worse than the actual event in the end. I don't know if you experience life that way. It is like my mind tells me a hundred different scenarios of what could go wrong and there is not room for any positive thoughts to squeeze in amongst the negativity.

Lately I a have been trying to listen to what my mind is saying and to think rationally about the thoughts that come along.

Yes, it is hard to keep to dietary needs in some countries. We travelled with vegetarians in China and they found that a little difficult, only because the people in the restaurant didn't understand their request. Sometimes all of us in the group ended up having vegetarian food as well.

One place we went to, (without the vegetarians)no one spoke English so we were ordering food with sounds like moo, cluck, quack and so on and shaking our head with frowns while making noises of dogs and monkeys for example. We had a very delicious meal. The waiters came out and went moo or cluck as they presented the food. It was hilarious. We had a crowd of restaurant staff and other dining guests around us.

My husband even went behind the counter and picked out the beers he wanted to drink. It was a wonderful experience.

Just on Rome, when we were there, I wanted to gather up all of the remnants of old buildings and put them in a neat pile somewhere! Ha. Ha. Or at least stack up the old pillars so they looked like something other than a construction site. That was my OCD working overtime, like needing to straighten up the greeting cards at the newsagent. Ha. Ha.

I'm hoping your demons take flight so you can greater appreciate your days.

Hugs from Mrs. Dools

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Neil_1 — Wed, 30 Sep 2015 01:05:22 GMT

Dear Yggy (in Rome)

Really awesome to hear back from you. It’s actually brilliant reading your messages and where you are in the world at the moment – much better as I’ve been to the two places that you’ve.

About your 3rd para in, I read your first 5 words and almost fainted – “I have left my husband …” !! Fortunately I read on and all was good. Phew. 🙂

I’m so pleased that you and your daughter have that kind of relationship – it really is a super special thing; almost too hard to put into words, but it’s an absolute beautiful thing. You see, words don’t do justice to how special it is.

Just from an outsiders point of view, I don’t think you’re feeling sorry for yourself at all. You’re simply stating things exactly how they are and because you’re not home, things are accentuated to a massive level for you; put on top of that, an injury to halt you from doing something that you were going to enjoy doing (running) and that only helps to pile up the frustration for you; on top of how you’re feeling which isn’t so flash in the first place.

Is it possible to speak to your husband about the upcoming place and to really let him know how much it may affect you? It might be helpful to have him boned up about this prior to your getting there, so he can be perhaps extra vigilant?

I’m also sorry to read that this next place is likely to cause you so much trauma and grief – but I think it’s good in a way that you’re fully aware of this, and maybe, just maybe, your mind is beating it up to be much more than what it might be for you? I hope this is the case.

The Colosseum is incredible. I never get over the fact that even though the cats that hang around there understand English. I meow to them, and sure enough, they meow back – which is incredible, as they are Italian cats and therefore, how do they understand an English meow?? Sorry, my meds will kick in soon, I promise.

Kind regards

Neil

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Guest_2350 — Wed, 30 Sep 2015 08:01:43 GMT

Hello from Rome,

we are leaving today.

You both made me smile. Neil, I will have to meow at a cat before I leave. Mrs. Dools, I fully understand the OCD with Rome, I just want to use all this beautiful building material!

I think the meds help me - just watching my feelings and not making radical decisions - I have felt like leaving my husband, my family, everything more often lately. My feelings are all over the place. I keep telling myself that I can do whatever I decide to do, when I get back to Oz. I don't care much anymore. I am building my walls around me. I remember feeling like this before.

I will try to focus that things may not be as bad as I think.

Disconnected

Doolhof — Wed, 30 Sep 2015 22:38:10 GMT

Hi Yggy,

It may be a good idea to not make too many rash decisions while you are on this holiday and so many emotions are bubbling up inside of you.

Will you have an opportunity to spend some time by yourself when you return to Australia? I sometimes go away for a weekend by myself and that clears my head and helps me to see things differently.

Speaking of cats, it is amazing where they show up!

We went to Troy and there were cats everywhere. I was in heaven as I love those little furry creatures. I was a little disappointed though as Brad Pitt was no where to be seen! (From the movie TROY)

I even told the tour guide I was disappointed Brad was not there in his costume!

So where are you off to now? Like Neil mentioned maybe having a really open chat with your husband might help.

Then again, I did that with my husband recently and he told me that my 50 year old body repulses him and he would rather be with a 20 year old from a different country. Oh well. Not much I can do about that! Maybe he can buy a mail order bride for himself and her brother for me! Ha. Ha.

Guess there are always solutions!

Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools

Disconnected

Guest_2350 — Thu, 01 Oct 2015 11:34:03 GMT

Greetings from Switzerland (this morning) and Germany (this afternoon)

Mrs Dools, that is not very nice of your husband - perhaps you can find a nicer model in the sexy man catalogue. My husband told me my MOT was due when I turned 20 (nearly 20 years ago)... so let me know if your mail order turns out ok. I know not to make radical decisions when on holidays, I would only regret it - I normally take my time to make decisions. I think this holiday is kind of stressful for everyone involved and definitely the first and last time I attempt group travel.

When back in my home town I am planning to split from the rest of the group, at least for a few days, to spend time alone or with my best friend. I am planning to talk to her, we have been through everything in each others life and we rise like the phoenix after every blow. I kept thinking not to say anything - she is so far away from me...

Yesterday was very stressful with travelling all day. I was very anxious and I think I just don't like airports and the stressful atmosphere everywhere. My mood was dark all day and I tried to stay out of everyones way.

I told my psych that I would change psychs when I come back. I finally reached that decision. I feel better now.

I had a nice moment this morning! I did a long walk on my own along the lake where I grew up very early in the morning. It was chilly and as I came towards the waters edge I saw the sun rise over the lake. I rushed to the waters edge and enjoyed the view. I felt a great feeling of belonging, of being home, at my lake. Yes there are many happy memories here as well and I am looking forward to spend some time with my best friend - but for now it is back on the road and living out of a suitcase once more. Touring historic towns in Germany and Austria for a while before heading back to my lake.

I will drink a stein for you and Neil at the Oktoberfest in Munich - Prost!

Disconnected

Doolhof — Fri, 02 Oct 2015 22:39:02 GMT

Hi Yggy,

Yesterday morning I discovered a lamb that had been born over night in our little paddock. We have borrow some sheep from a farmer as mobile lawn mowers. It was such a thrill to find the lamb! Things like that really brighten up my day.

I had a lovely evening with my sister and her family, including my nieces boyfriend and my Dad who is staying with them for a couple of days.

Yes, I might have a look in the mail order catalogue and see what is available or should I say "Who". Ha. Ha.

I too find airports stressful. I cope by getting Michael settled in a place where I know where he is and then I go for a walk. I then sit down and do Sudoku puzzles or read a book, that way I can shut out some of the stress.

It will be wonderful if you can catch up with your friend. It certainly helps when you have someone you can confide in and share stuff with. I have two friends like that, one lives in Holland and the other in Queensland. Distance does not make a difference for us. We are there for each other.

My husband was at the Oktoberfest last year! So Prost to you as well. I will have a beer here in recognition to the one you are having there!

It is AFL Grand Final day today so we will be watching that later.

It is understandable that everyone in the group is becoming a little stressed out. In some ways that stress can be passed on from one person to the other. Maybe you could all find a park and a ball and have an impromptu game of soccer or something to let out some tension.

Your moment at the lake sounded wonderful. I love times like that.

All the best to you, and Prost again! Cheers,

From Mrs. Dools

Disconnected

Neil_1 — Tue, 06 Oct 2015 03:40:24 GMT

Hi there

Yes Yggy, please be drinking a stein for me – as I’m still off the grog; my DOG count is now up to about 175; and in a row, it’s gone from 35 to 175; so what’s that; about 140 DOG in a row, so that’s not too shabby I guess. However, the Comps are over and the Melbourne Cup is fast coming up, so I’m not too far away from having a bit of a drink.

Now I’m guessing that Prost is not you both alluding to an ex-Formula One racing car champ, but it must be something like saying “Cheers” ??

Sorry to have been quiet for a while, but am not going overly well, so I choose to stay fairly quiet in those times.

How is the weather that you’re experiencing Yggy? I guess it would be starting to cool down quite a bit now? Whereas where I am, we’ve had a couple of 30 degree days in a row! Giddy up to that. 🙂

Neil

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Guest_2350 — Wed, 07 Oct 2015 05:27:02 GMT

Dear Mrs. Dools, Dear Neil,

Neil, first of all I hope you feel better soon! What are you strategies to help you feel better? Do you know if it takes a certain amount of time?

What are DOG days please? I am not really good with abbreviations. How did the comps go?

Mrs. Dools, lambs are beautiful, we had mobile lawnmowers for a few years and had triplets one time. That was very special and I bottle fed the little lambs.

I am lucky to have close friends, even if they are only close in heart, not distance. I can understand your comment that it does not matter where we are. I did visit my friend and we spend the morning getting the kids ready and having breakfast together. It was lovely. I feel like a sponge soaking up all the experiences - but I am still speechless when people ask me questions. I do not know how to explain what is going on in my head. How everything has changed. How I question everything. How I don't know anymore who I am.

The group travels ok. We are giving each other space and ignore the little things that upset us - we are more than half way through. Feels like we are all pretty grown up and we have settled into a routine.

The Oktoberfest was ok. I left as soon as it got busy and was back in the hotel by 6pm, I am not good with crowds!

I had a couple of good days. Two days ago I actually felt as if the shadow had lifted! It has been a long time that I felt this way. Yesterday the clouds moved back in, but I am giving myself space as well. Like having coffee in the morning on my own or going to bed early. Yesterday I had a special experience - I was confronted with a style of cuisine that could have triggered bad memories, but I got happy ones instead, or at least I thought I did in that moment, as after that my mood shifted - see what I mean about questioning everything?

Anyway, I am starting to feel that the meds are helping me. My appointments with my GP and my new psych are set for when I come back, so fingers crossed.

I am starting to miss home. Work makes me feel edgy and I am not looking forward to it, but I am looking forward to go home. Work is another thing I keep questioning... but then I do know that now is probably the worst time to change jobs.

On Friday I am going back again to the places with bad memories. I hope I will be ok. Being busy helps me to stuff down feelings so I think I should be fine.

Neil, the weather has been great but it is raining and getting colder now.

Kind regards from the Alpes, Yggy

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Neil_1 — Wed, 07 Oct 2015 23:51:50 GMT

Yggy;

Great to hear from you again (in the Swiss Alps). This sure has been one amazing journey for you.

I hope I feel better soon too, but not sure about that just yet. My Mum passed (next week) one year ago & the lead up is getting quite tough. I have organised a new tatt; appointment early December and have drafted up a design, that is going to be dedicated to Mum; something like in loving memory, the date, the word Mum, plus some Angel wings and interwoven with roses, as she was an avid gardener and loved her flowers and roses. Am hoping for it to be near where I’ve got my one for my Dad; down lower on my right leg and hoping to get the roses to interweave through Mum’s tatt, but to also reach out and somehow insert in a lovely way through Dad’s existing tatt. That’s the plan.

Yes, my comps are now over and I’m back to being able to eat what I want (and allegedly, when I want) – but have to be careful with that, as don’t want to be whacking on too much weight too quickly; been there and done that in previous years.

In my state, I came 2nd (apparently a close decision) and then in the very recent National titles, I came 5th (out of 6), so that was personally quite disappointing. BUT I know I improved in the two weeks between comps and I am pretty pleased with the physique that I carved out.

DOG’s are: Days Off Grog. 🙂 I used to call them AFD (Alcohol Free Days), but I made up DOG a couple of years ago, and that’s stuck ever since. 🙂

I hope that you are finding your unloading about your holiday beneficial – I am really enjoying reading all your accounts and your thoughts on how things are going with you. I hope even by you just writing them down here, it helps you a little. I know for me, when I do that, it helps, as I can generally put things down and then think on what it is, that is either troubling me, OR for what might be potentially popping up in the near future.

Your work is still there and still will be when you get back – so if I can try one thing for you, is to suggest IF you can to put that particular thing to the back of your mind – especially as there’s still quite a bit of time yet before you’re back. It’ll come to the forefront of your mind by itself as the time gets nearer, but the further you can push it to the back, at least that’ll hopefully be of mental benefit to you?

Can’t wait to hear from you again

Neil

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Guest_2350 — Thu, 08 Oct 2015 05:48:48 GMT

Dear Neil,

my first post did not post...

I am feeling for you. Losing a parent is such a difficult event in our lives. I found the first year the most difficult, the first birthday, the first Christmas, the first anniversary...

Do you have plans for the actual day? Can you meet with family and friends to share memories and grief? I used to buy cake on my Dad's birthday and share it at work - without saying why and I still light a candle and think of my Dad or we raise a toast.

The tattoo you are planning sounds lovely. It is very special and I love the idea of keeping it close with your Dad's.

Please take your time and remember it is ok to grief. I always felt I should get over it, move on... until I realised that it all caught up with me. I am here for you if you want to talk here.

Congratulations on the comps!! I know you had high expectations and I find it wonderful that you came 5th in a national comp!! That is amazing, well done!!!! You worked so hard for it!!!

I think I need to count my DOGs when I return home. I am putting on weight and I have stopped running altogether, so I want to eat clean and start training again when I come home. I have registered for a 100k charity walk in May next year, so I better start training! My hip is still giving me slight pain and I am worried to knock it out of place again - without my general care team I feel very vulnerable - I have a genetic disorder where I can easily dislocate joints.

Writing here helps me, it helps me to order my thoughts and it is great to hear back from you all. I learn a lot and I also feel like I am not on my own and it helps me to accept myself. I still have recurring nightmares of being restrained, drugged up or being locked away... I know it is silly, but the only experience I ever had with the mental health system was in the closed section where my friend ended up after attempting suicide, he was drugged up and it was like a prison to visit him and it was a long time ago.

I have been in the Austrian and German Alpes, heading to Switzerland soon.

Take care Neil! Big hugs, Yggy x

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Neil_1 — Fri, 09 Oct 2015 01:13:54 GMT

Dear Yggy

Great to hear back from you.

I generally don’t do the family or friends thing; plus my bro is a number of hours away; I may well give him a call later on.

Your words to me Yggy were very special and thank you for your kindness and caring. This year has flown (I usually dislike that term, because time doesn’t change – it doesn’t get faster, so a year takes a year; 365 days of 24 hours each – sorry, slight digression there) and back to that about the year, it just does not feel like it was a year ago. More so, like a month ago. 😞 😞

Thank you for your kind sentiments about the Comp’s as well – the fire is still well and truly alight and I’m already back in the gym and hammering out big sessions. Grow, grow, grow, that’s what I’m aiming to do; big sessions in the gym, plenty of the right food and good amounts of sleep – they’re the 3 big factors in me achieving my goals. I’m not young anymore, but I don’t give a rats – I’m still going to give it all I have.

100km charity walk – wowee, that’s massive. Are you to do the entire distance or is it a relay kind of arrangement? Either way, that’s one awesome thing to have planned. It’s great to have goals such as that, as it keeps the mind busy and occupied (for different times) so we’re not always declining into the depths of despair, etc. Goals like this one, can really help to dominate the mind especially as the time continues to get closer.

I haven’t been in one, but I’ve seen what those areas within a hospital are like and neither have I seen a prison, but the heavily locked doors and stark rooms give a very ‘prison like’ feel to it; or what I would think it would resemble. Not the most comforting of environments.

Those nightmares that you spoke of don’t sound the best at all – nor does it for what happened to you to bring those on. I know nothing of the episode you refer about (and that’s totally up to you and is fine being this way), but just from the smidge that you referred too, it’s a massive anchor for you that you are dragging around. Has it been a long time since that occurred? Sorry for asking, just thought I’d pose one question, but please, you don’t have to answer anything about this – I’m not wishing to make you uncomfortable.

I also do hope that you’re able to get some training happening once you get back home – or even possibly start soon, before you finish your holiday?

Neil

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Guest_2350 — Fri, 09 Oct 2015 05:41:50 GMT

Hi Neil,

unfortunately my nightmares and flashbacks are the reason I am here. There are a lot of events I have not been able to process. Thinking about it is unsettling me. As I progress with opening up they become stronger and more unsettling. I understand that there are many layers I have to uncover and it is very scary. I am starting with a new psych after the holiday and I hope to find the support network and strategies to keep stable during the process. With time I was able to find a care team for my physical restrictions, so I hope the same applies for my mental health.

I am glad I made the trip to Europe. If only to show me that not all the catastrophies I imagine happen - or non at all if I am lucky. I started to close myself up from life and society more and more and that was one of the reasons that I realised I cannot continue without help. I don't want to waste my life being scared of my own shadows. When lying on the floor and looking at the ceiling became a comfortable past time, I thought there must be more to life.

I think you are right about starting training a bit earlier than when I return. My hip is still sore, but I will try a gentle jog tomorrow and see if it losens up - often a good warm up helps. I know a lot of tracks where I am heading next, so it would be nice to explore the old paths. I think I am ok, as I have been on my feet most days, making the extra effort from time to time. The 100k is not a relay, and it is in one go. The longest I have done so far was 35k so it is a great challenge 🙂

I don't know what age you are but I believe you should do whatever makes you happy - in my eyes there is no too old! I saw an 80+ year old finish an olympic triathlon once and I thought to myself - that is how I wanna be when I am old 🙂 So keep going and show the youngsters how it is done!

Hope you are feeling a little better! Have a good weekend, Yggy x