topic Lost in PTSD and trauma

Lost

Guest_2350 — Tue, 21 Jul 2015 12:00:24 GMT

Hello,

I am hoping to find some advise - I am still very new to this all. I have started seeing a psychologist and I am just so unsure about what to do. I will talk to her as well when I see her - and that is part of the problem, the long gaps inbetween.

I have various trauma and grief to go through from my early childhood until mid twenties. I have been able to live through this all and have a pretty happy life, but lately it seems crumbling and I feel disconnected from myself and from the outside.

I have made the step to see someone but I am so scared to open the gates. Will I be able to cope and what strategies can I put in place to cope? The couple of times that we touched on certain subjects left me raw, insecure and exhausted. I cannot communicate the strength of feelings, being completely overwhelmed. It is so difficult for me and I am not sure what I want to do.

What other options are there? Can it just be the wrong psychologist? Is it normal to feel lost and distressed when starting?

Thanks.

Lost

Jacko777 — Wed, 22 Jul 2015 00:20:16 GMT

Hi yggy,

Welcome to the Beyond Blue forums, I am glad you are talking about this. I am also glad that you are getting help to work through your trauma and grief so that you can feel better, well done. Definitely talk to your doctor about your concerns, define what actions you can take in the long gaps between visits.

Perhaps you might feel emotional for a while as you are sorting through your feelings and bringing up hurtful memories from the past, it would be natural to feel upset, but you are doing this so you can address these things and find a new way of dealing with them in your mind. So you are on a new positive journey to happiness and calmness, some times it might feel harsh and sad, but you can move through this, it won't last for ever. Decide that you will be able to cope and seek the strategies that you need. It's important for me to take time out in between sessions and feeling stressed and sad, make sure that each day you completely focus on something that makes you happy, imagine that down the track you will feel better, imagine yourself being happy.

Have you tried meditation? Meditation helps me a lot to focus on the positive and off the negative, it makes me calm and slows everything down. I find breathing exercises very useful if I am feeling anxious.

Going on this path of recovery may not feel smooth or easy, some times we just have to push on, keep making small steps, taking satisfaction from knowing that we are on a path of recovery, getting closer to feeling better.

Talk any time

Jack

Lost

Neil_1 — Wed, 22 Jul 2015 03:11:30 GMT

Hi there yggy

Firstly, welcome to Beyond Blue and thank you for coming here and providing your post.

Your post makes perfect sense and the feelings you’ve described are very common amongst us, as we are all fellow sufferers with different kinds of mental health issues.

But can I congratulate you on coming here and posting, but not only that, but taking the even bigger step (positive step) to seeking out someone professional to talk to.

With regard to your psych, it’s really only something that you can know – as to whether you feel this person is the right person for you. For me, I went to numerous pysch’s along my journey, till I found my current one and it’s just something you ‘feel’ when talking with this person and also for the way they react and treat you back. Obviously also what advice and suggestions they give you as well is very important.

Now I understand that certain subjects can leave you feeling raw, insecure and exhausted – for me, even now after being with my psych for a number of years, I still can come out of my sessions feeling flat and exhausted. Having said that though, you should also be receiving different kinds of feedback and possible helping mechanisms for you to put into place – exactly for those ‘inbetween’ times.

But doing this is a long process and you need to have several other mechanisms in place to help you through; so yes, the psych is a brilliant one, but hopefully you’ve got a good gp and are having reasonably regular visits there. Having medication to take is also another good thing, that can help you along – remembering though that there are no such thing as magical cure pills, but when taken in conjunction with doing other things, they all have positive effects on the person.

Trying to live as healthy as you can – eating well, drinking lots of water and another biggie is exercise, are all other top things to make sure these are in place.

I’ll send this off now and do hope to hear back from you.

Neil

Lost

Guest_2350 — Wed, 22 Jul 2015 11:27:52 GMT

Hi Jack and Neil,

thank you for your kind words.

I think at the moment there are just so many feeling and memories starting to flood in, that I just don't know where to start. I have written so many things down and I am even too worried to look back what I have written. I am thinking about doing a brain dump when I see the psychologist again, just to get rid of it all. Then on the other hand, I would really like to know about coping strategies before I do that.

I have started meditation on and off in the last few month, but when I am not feeling ok, I can get so sad, I cannot explain how sad I get, it is such a deep feeling and holds my physically. But sometimes I am ok to meditate and I have startedto use meditation when I cannot sleep at night or listen to calming music when I am anxious and stressed. I actually went to my GP when I had a really good time and I could not understand how my mood could swing so badly, when I get sad.

How can I decide that I can cope?

Neil, how was it for you to change psychologists? It took me ages to get a first appointment and I am just worried about looking for another one and starting all over again. How can you find a good one? I actually feel okay with mine, I am not worried to see her, I am just worried about the times on my own. Can I see the GP at the same time? What do you discuss with the GP?

I look after myself health wise and try to get outside on the weekend, I am looking forward to summer, when I can see the sunshine more again, I do miss seeing daylight at the moment.

What are other strategies?

Thanks heaps x

Lost

White_Rose — Wed, 22 Jul 2015 12:10:32 GMT

Dear Yggy

Hello and welcome to Beyond Blue. It's good to come here and talk about your difficulties with people who have experienced similar pain. I would like to share my experiences with you as it may help you.

I have been seeing a psychologist for the past two years. He is a lovely person, very caring and doesn't take it personally when I get angry about life.

He has arranged for me to see another psychologist who specializes in domestic violence issues. My regular psych says it would be too hard to address these issues with him as he is a generalist psych and also male. I see his point but it make's me very anxious as I meet the new psych tomorrow.

While I have been seeing my usual psych I have also had regular sessions with my GP. We meet for 3/4 hour every few weeks, sometimes more or less often depending on how I am managing. Both the psych and GP are working on the same lines although their processes are different and I will tell one what the other has said or asked me to do. I cannot make sudden appointments with the psych very easily but I can make appointments with my GP within a few days if I absolutely need to.

I find this reassuring and it results in less need as I know someone is there for me when I am in trouble. I tend to write down my thoughts and read them to whichever person I see or hand them over to be read. Again it depends on how fragile I feel.

I know it feels to be flooded with memories. I sat in the psych's room for two hours talking about a huge number of these memories and he sat and listened. At the end I felt exhausted but it felt good. It was so amazing to be cared for in this fashion and have someone listen without judgement. OK, so this is not the norm and may be your psych would not be able to suddenly give you several hours to sit and listen. When I started that session I had no idea it would end up that way.

My anxiety in seeing this new psych is the thought of going over old stuff and getting upset. I was told it would not be like that, but we would talk about the effects on me of these actions. So I feel a little better. There is little point in describing this stuff over again. Insecurity, fear, loss of confidence etc, and how to turn that around. So ask your psych about this. I will meet with this new psych every week for a while. I wonder why you have long gaps between your appointments as I feel it is not helpful to start with. Perhaps you could discuss this with the psych and/or your GP.

Hope this is useful.

Mary

Lost

Guest_2350 — Wed, 22 Jul 2015 21:21:28 GMT

Hi Mary,

thank you for your reply. Please share how you go with the new psych. I can understand that you are anxious. I don't think I ever saw my GP as being part of the journey - I still struggle to talk to one person, but you are right, I would be able to see the GP more often. It is difficult for me to find appointments. I am scared to do them during working hours, as I don't know how I will be after. So that leaves only late afternoon appointments and they are difficult to get. On top of that I have demanding job and and have other treatments due to my health. Can I talk to the GP about one lot of issues - my current health - and to the psych about the past? Since my health issues started a couple of years ago, I feel out of sync with myself.

I still have not talked to my partner, family or friends - both GP and psych have commented on this, but I have not been able to share my current journey. It took me a while to open up about my health, and even that is limited to only a few selected people. I feel like I am failing in my life. I have achieved so much and so much to live for and other people had a harder past and a much more difficult health situation (mine is in the big view of things really minor) and here I am feeling sorry for myself. I don't understand why I cannot just move on and cope, like I always have? I don't understand why things have changed. I don't understand how to explain an invisible health condition, how to explain my current mental state, how to make everyone understand, that yes there is something wrong with me, but they should not treat me differently. I don't want to be pigeon-holed. And I don't want to be reminded by a "how are you" when I am having a great day - is that so wrong?

I am glad my next psych appointment is coming up, so I can talk about all this as well. I will take what I wrote here as well, to have a chat about it.

Lost

White_Rose — Thu, 23 Jul 2015 01:42:01 GMT

Dear Yggy

Thanks for your reply. It is a common tendency to downplay our problems because others have worse problems. It's not about what's wrong with others but what help we need. Sure other folk have tremendous hurdles to get over but they will not be helped by you not receiving help. This is a game of comparisons that benefits no one. The bottom line is that when you are unwell you need treatment to get well again. There is no pecking order in illness.

I understand why you are nervous about going to work after seeing the psych. It is a legitimate concern. Many years ago I saw a psychiatrist before going to work. There were a number of times when I arrived at work in tears. Not a good look! Eventually I went straight after work.

Have a chat with your GP about discussing mental health and/or health issues on a regular basis. It will probably be cheaper and you can attend these appointments between your psych appointments. No reason why not. Great idea to take this correspondence to your next appointment.

Failing is such an emotive word and brings its own stresses. You have a successful life and I presume a happy life. Past events have finally caught up with you and have taken their toll. I imagine that, like the rest of us, you have squashed down your feelings until they can no longer be squashed and as the saying goes, have come back to bite you.Your body becomes tired and tries to tell you to slow down and get repaired while your brain tells you to keep going. The brain is really quite lazy about change and tries to maintain the status quo. So listen to your body and try to remove the stress. Can you perhaps take a couple of weeks of sick leave?

Health issues play a huge part in your mental health. I am trying to regain my former fitness, energy and motivation after I had surgery for breast cancer earlier this year. I also had radiotherapy which makes you very tired. After it had finished I spent week sitting around or sleeping and I am still getting tired at times. I'm doing the right thing but my body is repairing itself at its own rate. So give yourself permission to be unwell and work from there.

Talking to others is a very individual thing. It depends on the age of your children when, what and how much you tell them. I believe husbands should always be in the loop. Read the information available on BB and send for as much as you want including info for family and friends. I suggest you tell only a few trusted friends about your issues.

Mary

Lost

Guest_2350 — Fri, 24 Jul 2015 03:39:05 GMT

My appointment was cancelled - although this can happen, I feel terrible. I am away for work next week, so I don't even know when I can reschedule. 1 step forward, 20 back...

Lost

Guest_2350 — Fri, 24 Jul 2015 11:41:21 GMT

Please help.

I felt very bad today when I got the message that my appointment had been cancelled. It has been 4 weeks of carrying my thoughts around and waiting to talk and to feel clearer and I physically felt sick, when I found out. Eventually I managed to call my GP, but no luck there either. I am meeting my GP on Monday. It is another weekend of avoiding thoughts and feelings.

I just cannot continue this way. I think I need a psych who does more frequent PM appointments than my current one - but how can I find a good one? It seemed to be hard to find the first one - my GP and I talked a few times before I went to this one.

Lost

Jacko777 — Fri, 24 Jul 2015 12:29:54 GMT

Hi yggy,

Sorry to hear about your cancelled appointment. If you are feeling low remember you can ring the Beyond Blue phone service, it's 24/7 and I bet they can help you to feel better, straight away.

So you have mentioned a few things you could try, perhaps you could try a meditation, there are some nice guided meditations on Youtube or check out smiling mind.com.au. You like music, put a long playlist on Youtube, dance. Some good exercise will get the good juices flowing and you will probably feel better immediately. You want to spend the weekend doing things that make you happy and hold your focus. Can you catch up with friends or family? Can you read a good book, catch a good movie, go somewhere new with your partner, fill your weekend with love and joy.

You know you can offload your thoughts here if you wish, if it helps. Love to you.

Jack

Lost

White_Rose — Fri, 24 Jul 2015 17:34:21 GMT

Dear Yggy

It must have been a crashing disappointment to have your psych session cancelled. I know how much it means to have this to look forward to so you can unload your thoughts. Small comfort that you can see your GP on Monday I know, but it is only two days away. I realise this can seem like an eternity having been in exactly the same position. As Jack has suggested, try to fill the weekend with good stuff. In this sort of situation I would plan something for the next hour and then the next, concentrating on what I wanted to do each time. It did help to relieve the anxiety a little.

Perhaps you need to find a psych who is a little more accessible. I hope he/she had a jolly good reason for cancelling. Can you talk to your GP about this again? In the meantime try the BB helpline 1300 22 4636. There is also the Chat Online option. Or you could call Lifeline on 13 11 14. They are very helpful. It can be more comforting to to talk to someone instead of writing but continue to write in here as much as you like.

You asked about my meeting with the DV counsellor. Not as scary as I anticipated. But then this is often the way. She was very gentle and we had a getting to know you chat. I often laugh at myself and others when I find a situation a bit ludicrous and true to form I did a bit of that. I'm not sure she realised I was joking so I think I need to watch what I say more carefully. However I think we can get on. I am seeing her again next week.

Please use all the resources available to you to get through the weekend. Perhaps you could find the time and courage to talk to your husband? I know it feels like 20 steps backward, but it's not really. You have taken a huge step in writing to BB and continuing to write. That takes determination and energy.

Mary

Lost

Guest_2350 — Sat, 25 Jul 2015 07:58:26 GMT

Thank you Jack! Thank you Mary!

I am so sorry to bother you, I guess you all fight your own battles. But thank you for your support. I will call the helpline next time - after talking to the GP receptionist and not getting an appointment, I did not know what to do - if someone at work crossed my way that time I would have burst out in tears. Next time I will call a helpline, thank you. I buried myself in work and eventually the fog lifted. I do try to listen to relaxing music when I feel anxious and try breathing exercises, but they are hard. I am still amazed how physical my emotions get.

I exercise when I am anxious, I run a lot outdoors and off-road, but I find peace in nature and feel very connected at times. I think one of the things that have dropped me down the dumps is when I had to stop training due to an injury last year - I felt like I lost my balance, my point of calmness in this mad environment, I always knew I needed exercises for stress release, but never thought I was actually running away from things. I run and exercise to the point of exhaustion - before work, and then I am all calm and relaxed for the day. Now I don't. My psych knows about this - but I think I should talk to my GP, who has been there during my hard days of discovering my physical limitations, from the injury to the diagnosis of a genetic disorder. I also have severe IBS with an unknown trigger - I do get suggestions that the trauma my injury caused, could have caused my IBS, as it happened simultaneously.

I will try to meditate later on.

I find it so difficult to tell my husband. He knows most of my past, he is my sweetheart since my late teens. There are some experiences that I don't want to share with him, there are some that open my wounds, but there are some that will open his wounds as well. I have childhood friends, who know even more, but they are far away. I find it difficult to open up to anyone who is close to me. I have experienced so much, but life around you goes on and people forget. I have been hurt so many times. No one does it intentionally. I am even disappointed and hurt by my psych and I am sure there was a good reason for the cancellation, but I don't know as I had a call for the receptionist.

I have always been good at keeping myself busy and distracted and I still can get lost in activities. I exercised yesterday and I walked through nature today (3hrs). I keep my head up, don't worry. I am not beaten to the ground 🙂

Have a lovely weekend xox

Lost

White_Rose — Sat, 25 Jul 2015 09:59:37 GMT

Dear Yggy

Never think you are bothering anyone on this site. We may not be able to answer you for some reason, but never because you are bothersome. I suggested ringing a support line because you get direct and immediate help from people trained to do this. I find it better to talk to someone when I am in a bit of a crisis, but I certainly do not discount writing here or emails to others. Ask for and receive help wherever you find it.

I am so sorry that you feel I was fobbing you off. Certainly not my intention.

carrying wounds is an exhausting process and this is why you need someone to talk to regularly. I really believe once a month is not enough, at least at this stage. Maybe when you have gained some perspective and resilience longer gaps between appointments will be OK. Try for at least fortnightly and possibly weekly to start with.

I found meditation of the greatest help when my depression was at its worst. Meditating gave me something to focus on instead of the rat race in my brain.

To go back to your psychologist, it sounds as though she is not very experienced. The idea of dealing with trauma is not to go back over it but to look at how the trauma affected you. For example, if you were bullied there is little point in recounting the experiences and hurting yourself over again. The experience will not go away because you cannot change the past. What needs to happen is to look at the effect of these experiences. Are you afraid of talking to a certain type of person and how do you cope with that. If someone shouts at you how do you react, especially if this was part of the bullying process.

Look, I am probably saying this all wrong as I am not a psych. But constantly opening old wounds just stops them healing. Yes get rid of the poison but through a small drain, not by ripping you apart.

Let us know how you get on with your doctor.

Mary

Lost

Guest_2350 — Sat, 25 Jul 2015 10:17:35 GMT

Dear Mary,

I think I wrote this wrong, I really appreciate the time you guys spend to help me - I did at no point feel like you were "fobbing me off" - thank you for being there for me 🙂

I have a lot to discuss with the GP now, I have learnt a lot in the last few days. I will print off our conversation and talk about my options.

I will let you know how Monday goes!

Lost

Jacko777 — Sat, 25 Jul 2015 13:47:34 GMT

Hi yggy,

I also have a passion for and feel a connection to Nature. This connection can constantly be investigated, you can research, develop and create new and exciting activity. As well as spending time in nature, like bush walking, bike riding, camping, I have also combined my skills as a media producer with my passion for nature. So now I travel the countryside making videos for conservation groups for free, to help them raise awareness and funds. I guess I am telling you this because it has brought me much satisfaction over the years and it gives me strength knowing that I have tried my best. Perhaps you might enjoy partaking in some activities with a conservation group or such near you?

Jack

Lost

Guest_2350 — Mon, 27 Jul 2015 11:54:41 GMT

Hi Jack,

that sounds great! What a beautiful way to combine your passion and your skills!

Hi Mary,

I have talked to my GP today and I have another longer session with the GP this week to discuss some of the issues in more detail. It was okay to talk a little bit, but I still feel very awkward to talk to a GP - I think I feel awkward at any time - what do they do with my inner most feelings? What do they write down? I am a very suspicious person, so I always try to see something bad behind everything. That does not make it easier for me. When the GP asked me if I could print my notes, I backed off. That feels like a written confession to me. It might sound very silly, but like I said, I am very suspicious.

I am also wondering if I want to go ahead, and I did tell the GP that. My life is pretty good, yeah there are some issues, but it is pretty good - why dig in the past??

We talked about the GPs role and who I can contact and that we will look for a psych more suitable for me.

Lost

White_Rose — Tue, 28 Jul 2015 12:54:38 GMT

Dear Yggy

What a great start with your GP. My GP always prints off her notes at the end of the consultation and gives them to me. Perhaps you could ask your doc to do the same.

I certainly relate to your comment about disturbing the past. My attitude was that I could not change the past so why revisit it. When I saw a psychiatrist he said it was good to understand the past and come to terms with it. I thought this was far too touchy/feely and really put the brakes on. This psychiatrist turned out to be useless anyway.

However I now see a psychologist who tells me that I need to understand the effect the past has had on me and that makes a great deal more sense. Sometimes we are afraid of opening up the past because it leads to revisiting hurt and sadness. And lets face it, no one wants to be hurt for any reason.

I would never have opened up to my GP if I had not already come to trust her. She looked after my health issues way before I experienced depression. I also would have run away if my GP was a bit pressing about copying my notes. Sometimes I take notes or emails and on occasions I have written a letter to her to explain something I want to talk about. This gives me the chance to think about what I want to say and how to say it. It usually has a number of revisions before I hand it over. Copying your notes is not a way of trapping you but of ensuring he/she has the correct information. Sometimes their notes miss the flavour of what you are trying to say. Remember they cannot share this with anyone else.

In your original post you spoke about

yggy said: I have various trauma and grief to go through from my early childhood until mid twenties. I have been able to live through this all and have a pretty happy life, but lately it seems crumbling and I feel disconnected from myself and from the outside.

I have made the step to see someone but I am so scared to open the gates. Will I be able to cope and what strategies can I put in place to cope? The couple of times that we touched on certain subjects left me raw, insecure and exhausted. I cannot communicate the strength of feelings, being completely overwhelmed. It is so difficult for me and I am not sure what I want to do.

It seems to me that you want to get rid of these ghosts and continue with your happy life without the shadow of the past. Explain to the doc how you feel and quote your words to her. Everyone is uncertain to start with. I know I am. Seeing the DV psych tomorrow.

Mary

Lost

Guest_2350 — Tue, 28 Jul 2015 21:42:32 GMT

Thanks Mary,

I hope your DV psych appointment goes well - what is DV?

Thanks for your advise.I have written a letter to my GP this morning and feel better now. I have two days to look through it again and again.

I actually started with who I am and not what is wrong with me. I think a lot is right with me and I don't want anyone to forget that - or not know that. I have put questions in about working with a GP and psych. Then I did a brief section about the various issues I encountered in my life - I have also noted the issue I do not wish to discuss further - something I am not ready for. I also did a list of things I think I need to work on right now.

I don't know if I will leave the letter with the GP but I think it is easier to let him read 3 pages than cry myself through the process and get myself utterly confused. I feel like I never remember everything and I have written notes most times when going to any treatment as I forget when I am nervous.

I have also asked him to explain my privacy to me.

I am feeling more confident today and less confused since writing the letter. I think writing down all that is right with me has helped, I am not a broken person, a lot of things are going well in my life.

Thanks for your support, I will let you know how I go.

Lost

White_Rose — Tue, 28 Jul 2015 23:00:02 GMT

Congratulations Yggy, you are on the right track. Sounds like a great letter and letter the doc read is probably best. I know that feeling of forgetting half the things you want to say.

DV is domestic violence which took place during my marriage of 30 years. Should have got out earlier but at least I'm here.

Mary

Lost

Guest_2350 — Wed, 29 Jul 2015 11:24:13 GMT

Dear Mary,

I hope your appointment was okay. 30 years is a long time, but I am glad you made it out!

My day has been weird with ups and downs. It felt good to write the letter, but then I started to get concerns again. I also read a bit on the bb webpage about treatment options and I looked at psychs in my area, but it is overwhelming how much info there is and how should I know if the next psych is good or a treatment will help? I will just leave that to my GP. I should trust him more, he has refered me to good specialists and therapists before for my genetic condition - I am sure he will know what to do. One more day to go.

silent

lost for words

the tears have dried long ago

starting a new journey

looking for peace

hope