topic Lost and confused in PTSD and trauma

Lost and confused

Guest_2350 — Tue, 22 Mar 2016 19:50:08 GMT

Hello,

A year into my journey to seek help I feel as lost and confused or more than when I started this.

I know there was a trigger event at the beginning of the week, but I feel helpless to stop the helplessness. I want to do things that make me feel better, but I also just want to hide. I've seen my psych yesterday and I don't think it has helped.

Just as I thought I had a bit of clarity and a goal to focus on, the playing field has changed once again. I'm just so tired of it. I like rules and I like to focus on goals, and in this game there are no rules, my back up team (meds) is a big trial and error, the ref (doc and psych) don't know which game I'm playing and confuse me when they have a guess, then we have time out and during this the game changes - so with my studs I run on ice all of the sudden.

I will as every day, keep some of my routine up, I don't give in that easy.

Will it ever get any easier? What can I do to make me understand that there is no game plan? How did you break through the confusion?

Lost and confused

Neil_1 — Tue, 22 Mar 2016 21:57:42 GMT

Dear Yggy,

A new thread, a different analogy … one that I didn’t mind either; though if you change the game to ice hockey, then you can simply throw off your boots and studs and put on ice skates and you’ll be on top of everything. Though, I must admit, when I first did read your post, my silly mind went off on a different tangent when you said: “so with my studs I run on ice all of a sudden”; so there’s me thinking you’re running out on some ice with some heavenly hunks beside.

I do like the part where you wrote that you are going to continue to keep on, and keep going every day, because you don’t give in that easy. That is one terrific attitude and with all that you’ve been facing and how low things have been for you for so long, you should feel proud inside for still possessing that steely resolve.

I honestly think that it does get easier. In fact, I know that it does. I’ve been down in the murky depths many times and from there you can’t see very far in front of you at all – I will be down there again, though it’s a place I don’t want to visit, it’s just the way things are for me. I was there in fact last week, and have only just climbed up a little higher. Not much, but a little.

That’s the key here Yggy … when we’re at our lowest ebbs or if not lowest, a long long way down, it does not mean that we will stay there. Even if we can get a bit of a slight change in things, to climb us out of it ever so slightly.

Keep on with all that you’re doing – it will not always be this bleak. I hope you can believe that.

Kind regards

Neil

Lost and confused

Guest_2350 — Tue, 22 Mar 2016 23:47:49 GMT

Dear Neil, my friend,

I was hoping with all my heart that you went to Japan without telling me and you were having the time of your life in the ten days.

Has anything specific happened that pulled you down in the murky depth? Is there anything I can do, would you like to share your thoughts (you don't have to)?

What gives you the strength to pull yourself up from down below? Again and again and again? What keeps you going every time life is too murky to see a future?

I am at work now, plotting along. It costs me a lot of energy to get here and a few hours of contemplating before I make a move, but so far I have managed to go. Unfortunately the incident this week showed me how instable my little world is at the moment and that I have not much resilience left.

I will write more later.

Take care, Yggy

Lost and confused

Neil_1 — Wed, 23 Mar 2016 00:29:35 GMT

Dear Yggy,

No, not in Japan yet … that’s a couple of weeks from tomorrow … very daunting I must say, but I’m hoping it will be ok.

That’s a good question you raise. I had something similar asked to me the other day – or actually a question a friend and I bounced off each other, and our answer was pretty much the same. Our kids. My kids. My son and my daughter. They are the 1st key component for where I get my strength from to rise up again and again.

My body and my ability to move and do things is another big one. Therefore, I need to do things that are going to be beneficial to me and how I will be as the years continue. Feeding myself properly, moving around as much and as often as I can – to keep myself as fit as I possibly can – though I do know that I could be a hell of a lot fitter. But at this current point in time, I’m not going to be doing any Super IronMan Triathlons – those ones that take about 9-10 hours for the early finishers. 

The massive positive I read here Yggy, is that you ARE at work … and you will be operational again soon. This is despite the setback that you suffered. Your resilience while you feel that it is lowering, is still there.

Do you have anything planned for Easter? 4 days off – that IS something to be looking forward to, especially for those of us who are in dire need of it. This could be a time to help replenish your energies and your resilience … to do something for you, something that you will enjoy. Even if by coming here and reading other people’s posts for self-improvement? Or even look something like that up on the inter-web?

Chat again,

Neil

Lost and confused

Guest_2350 — Wed, 23 Mar 2016 14:55:43 GMT

Dear Neil,

I am sorry I cannot be there for you when you are feeling bad. The problem on this webpage is that I cannot check on you, text you, see how you're getting on... I'm sorry that you are struggling.

I'm sorry that I sound like a broken record. I get so stuck in my thoughts that I don't even realise that I ask the same things again and again. And I am telling the same stories again and again, it must be frustrating for people around me and it is for me.

It is the middle of the night now. As often I will come here so I don't feel so alone. Or I read or google something. Eventually I will put my sleep meditation on and hopefully go back asleep. How much damage I do to my sleep pattern by actually going online, I don't know. Then I wake up and I come on the forum and often I spend a couple of hours here before I am ready for work. I check during work time and I check when I'm back home.

I know some good routines I should establish in my life again that can make me feel better. Do a little yoga and meditate after waking. Exercise in the morning. Prepare a healthy breakfast and lunch. Get to work on time. Focus on work. Go for a little walk at lunch time. Contact a friend. Spend time with my husband. Prepare a healthy dinner.

But I don't do it and to be honest it has been slipping more and more in the last few months. How much is down to the meds? What effect does my mental health have on my motivation? There are a million of questions. Questions that don't have answers because by the time I get into gear, I have run out of time. I used to pride myself in making good choices, setting priorities and organising my time efficiently - to my best knowledge. I know I made mistakes in allocating my time, but I did it to my then best knowledge. I know now I need to readjust the way I see my capabilities but I also know that I need to bring some of my discipline back into my life.

One of the big time killers I identified when I was trying to organise my time more efficiently back then was screen time. It is again now. I think I will spend time on the weekend looking at new strategies (and rules) to set up my day. I don't like the person I am morphing into and it does not reflect my values. Even if I cannot be as efficient and strong as before - I can at least give it a better shot then now.

Take care, Yggy

Lost and confused

Neil_1 — Wed, 23 Mar 2016 22:30:08 GMT

Dear Yggy,

Firstly, please don’t worry about me … yes, I’m struggling, but so are we all. But please, your priority is you – but I am cool to be your 2nd priority … (insert cheeky wink). 😉

Now, onto the broken record thing … it’s a good job you’re talking to me about that because yes, I do know the old broken record reference. But if I happened to be one of these swish young bucks of the current generation, then I’d be wondering (a) what is a record, and (b) what is this reference meaning? I mean, yo we have ipods and stuff like that now yo, and none of this stuff ever breaks and we just listen to our mad muzak all the time through our freaky headphones, while on the bus, while in-line skating and while wearing our hoodies when it’s 35 degrees.

Ok, trivial Neil is over.

Here’s something that I do wonder about … and it’s in reference to what you’ve written about night-time jaunts on the computer and how or whether it affects your sleep. I’ve read on so many other threads during my time here, that people have trouble sleeping – so they then go on their computer. Now, I’ve never claimed to be overly intelligent or clever, but for me – if a person is having trouble sleeping, I would have thought that ANY kind of stimulus would be things you’d be trying to avoid big time. I know I’ve done it a couple of times, but more so to check the rain radar out if I can hear a storm coming.

But that then entailed flicking on the monitor and going from darkness to suddenly having a screen lit up in front of me – it’s a massive change in your internal rods and colons and gets the head and brain rising from its rested, slumbered, snoozing state.

I would think that would then wake up all senses, etc … that even though they weren’t possibly sleeping (for those who do this in the wee early hours), it would definitely awaken them out of any dozing state they were in. Hence the next day would potentially be a long, sleepy and low day.

I do like hearing about you speak about your routines and things that you have either put in place or that you know you should do. KEEP doing this … over and over and it will eventually happen. Maybe not all at once, but even if you get one of those things into place, that’s a positive.

Ps: if I don’t speak again before Easter, I hope you have a lovely Easter.

Cheers

Neil

Lost and confused

Guest_2350 — Fri, 25 Mar 2016 19:47:59 GMT

Dear Neil,

you have a gift and you always know how to make me smile. The young ones will never know how much fun & frustration it was to tape something of the radio, to listen to the charts to hear one song - and a moderator talking... I guess we had to learn patience. Now we can watch and listen to whatever we want, whenever we want. My son asked me the other day, why I don't watch something on "catch-up TV" (don't know if that is what it is called) and why I still record my shows.

I agree with you that going online when I cannot sleep is not a great solution, but I think it is better than bashing my head against the wall. My psychiatrist actually asked me sincerely the other day, if I had done this before - no I have not bashed my head against the wall, but I sometimes get so stuck in my head, it is mad. Jokes aside, what can I do when I wake up distressed and cannot stop thinking and go back asleep. First I try to listen to sounds or my husband breathing, I try to calm myself and think of other things. Often that does not work and eventually I will get up. I know I don't have a good day ahead if I cannot sleep, but that does not help me to go back asleep.

I would like to get back into my routines, and I try. I won't meditate this morning, as I am alone at home and I am scared. It is still dark, but I have my parrot here with me and I stay online. I won't shower this morning, as I am alone at home and I am scared. I think that is what my psych means when she says we have to tackle my anxiety. I think over the years I have just accepted all this as normal. I even question why I should change, if I don't hurt anyone. I am on high alert and I can hear every sound. I know I had a tough week and I did not sleep much last night, and that makes it harder. It will be daylight soon, I can actually see dawn now. The birds are starting to wake up.

Neil, I wish I could start to understand what is happening to me and how I can help myself. I have been thinking of going into care for a while just to be able to make some sense. But that scares me as well. I talk to my psychiatrist, psychologist, GP and helplines, but I just don't seem to get any sense. I don't even have a proper diagnosis yet.

I will go for a walk today and I will meet a friend. We will also have friends coming Easter Sunday.

I hope you have a happy Easter with your family. You need to tell me what you did and how your preparations for Japan are coming along.

Take care, Yggy

Lost and confused

Guest_2350 — Sun, 27 Mar 2016 09:44:28 GMT

Dear Neil,

I hope you and your family had a fun Easter egg hunt today.

I kept myself busy, ate a lot of chocolate and am now hiding from the world - I told hubby & friend I'm tired. And I am.

What is happening to me? I am so tired of trying to figure out what I'm doing wrong. I'm worried that one day my hubby and friend will give up on me. I don't like living with myself at the moment, why should anyone else enjoy my company?

I will stop writing for tonight, I will keep plotting along as usual and hopefully some day I will find enthusiasm again in my action and not a robotic, let's go through it.

Take care, Yggy

Lost and confused

Neil_1 — Tue, 29 Mar 2016 00:46:51 GMT

Dear Yggy,

I wish I had some advice on the sleep problem. That can have major bad repercussions for us, to have a shocking night and lack of sleep, that then just leaves you so vulnerable for the next day. It’s almost like a free-for-all for the Black Dog, as our defences are largely down.

You mentioned that you were home alone and scared … but you made it through, didn’t you? I hope you made it through.

What about cycling? Is that something that you could do?

Fishing? Is that another option? Though I think I’d rather cycling, as it keeps you fit and keeps your mind occupied, as you need to be aware of your surroundings, and keep upright, etc. But not only that, but being aware of your surroundings allows you to take in different views and sights to see.

Have you mentioned your thoughts to your hubby and your friend … that you think that in time, they will eventually give up on you? I think it might be important to raise this with them; in order for them to give you some concrete reassurance that they are there for you and will not be going anywhere.

Easter was good … and yep, there’s still some eggs that haven’t been found. J J I love that. J

Neil

Lost and confused

Guest_2350 — Tue, 29 Mar 2016 01:00:35 GMT

Dear Neil,

so after work you still go Easter egg hunting? That sounds like a great idea! I have not done an Easter egg hunt in years - I'm looking forward to doing it again when there are grandkids around - that know what it means.

How are your preparations for Japan going and how are you feeling about the trip?

What are you doing for training when you're on holidays? Do you check out the hotel gym before you book? I used to book my hotels close to a park and pool, so I would only miss cycling sessions when I trained for a tri.

How have you been lately? Has the nasty dog stayed in the kennel?

I'm back on my bike and I love riding around the country side. I try to do it once or twice a month. It's a start.

I woke up this morning and meditated. Then I drove to work and all of the sudden I had a clarity I have not felt for ages. I remembered who I am. It's an awesome feeling after all these dark days. I hope I can hold onto this.

Take care, Yggy

Lost and confused

Neil_1 — Tue, 29 Mar 2016 02:47:19 GMT

Dear Yggy,

That was fantastic to read how you are today. Wow, that pleased me so much, especially for how you’ve been going of late … that is a massive positive. And YES, hold on to that for as long as you can. Do well at work, then home and perhaps another cycle. Or even a walk.

The easter egg hunt … yes, I do that every year … I go around on the Saturday night, and pop little eggs all over the house. And it’s so awesome now that I’m getting older, cause half the time, I can’t remember where I put them, only 8 hours or so before hand. But my daughter still enjoys the chase; and there’s still a few that she’s missed out on. She’s 15, but I’ll continue this until she moves out.

Not sure about Japan preps, I s’pose they’re all on track. Bit nervous about the trip, but with partner and daughter there and a billion other Japanese, I’m sure I’ll be fine.

Not overly sure about training while I’m away … if I find a gym, I’ll certainly try to get a few sessions in … but it won’t be high priority. Bit of a break won’t harm me at this point in time. Give those niggles bit more of a chance to heal up.

The dog’s sitting in the kennel, with ears up and not asleep … so things aren’t as bad as they have been for so long at the moment, but you kind of feel on edge a lot of the time.

I so hope you’re able to keep feeling this way that you are at the moment.

Neil

Lost and confused

Lost_Girl — Tue, 29 Mar 2016 15:00:29 GMT

Hi Yggy,

It has been great getting to know you in the cafe. Dropping in here to say that I am thinking of you and so that I can get to know you more.

Kind thoughts,

Carol xx

Lost and confused

Neil_1 — Tue, 29 Mar 2016 20:45:29 GMT

Hi Carol,

I think that's awesome and the more interaction we have, I think the better. Friends can be hard to find, perhaps out in the real world, but here is also real and this is somewhere where we all feel comfortable and supported.

Cheers

Neil

Lost and confused

Lost_Girl — Wed, 30 Mar 2016 04:25:39 GMT

Thanks Neil and hello to you too!

I have observed a lot of real frienships on the BB forums. In some ways I think they are more real here because people are sharing such raw emotion and bonding at a much deeper level. In the real world it is sometimes much more confronting to let people see past the various social facades people portay.

I am well blessed with my real life friends and twice blessed with the ones I am making here. The people I have met here are some of the kindest and most giving people I have met.

Kind thoughts,

Carol

Lost and confused

Guest_2350 — Wed, 30 Mar 2016 09:34:42 GMT

Dear Neil & Sherie & Carol,

thank you so much for your posts. It is truly wonderful to have a place like this where we can just be. And it is wonderful that there are so many lovely people here.

The clarity did not last long. And I guess that is okay too. I am making progress. The last time I saw my GP he asked how my mood had been and I said up and down and then corrected myself that it was more down and downer... So having a clear day is an improvement. I actually felt love and joy briefly for the first time in ages.

I find the greatest challenge with friends "on the outside" is for me personnally that I have no idea how to explain to them how I feel. I get scared by my own feelings, sometimes I feel like a freightened 5 year old and I can see that I get paralysed and I cannot do anything against it. Then I have days after days where I am just angry with the world and I have times when I am just feeling hopeless and see no way forward. HOW am I supposed to explain that to someone who has no idea how this feels like, let alone understands why this can happen? How is someone supposed to understand this, if I can still function on the outside - not as well as I used to and I am having more and more time off sick, but I still function. How can I explain that when surrounded by joy I can still feel like I don't want to be here anymore? How can I explain to someone that it is just too hard at times, and I need to get support when times get desperate?

Perhaps it is just me and I still cannot accept what is happening, but I still feel at loss. I do talk a sentence or so to my husband and friend every other week, but I can see the shock in their eyes, when I tell them how much effort it can be to go out for a cup of coffee. How I don't enjoy myself going to do something fun, and I just go so I don't give up on myself. How is it for them to know that I just don't feel anything anymore when I am out with them? Well I need to correct that - I do feel safe with them, otherwise I would not do it.

So I am grateful there is a place where I can say all this.

Thank you for being here for me and take care, Yggy

Lost and confused

Lost_Girl — Thu, 31 Mar 2016 06:06:42 GMT

Hi Yggy,

I told my friends I can only tskk via text because ph and in person was too hard. I sent them the bb info on depression and also info on "what not to say to a person with depression" from the internet when I found them saying all the wrong things.

I had a friend turn up from Qld to "surprise" me. I have known her since kinder, we grew up together in Tas and we are really close. I couldn't even hug her. I felt so angry, furious even. I knew she thought she was doing the right thing but I hated it. Luckily hubby was home and saved me by talking to her. He knows my angry even when I am masking it. So sitting in my pjs, unshowered for 2 days, my naturally curly hair now sticking up like a vertic as l dreadlock afro witch do, I told her that I was a mess. I cry all day, I am in pain constantly all day everyday unless I am asleep and I pretty much don't sleep. She kept saying, I just wanted to see you're ok. I kept saying, I'm not. Her Mum called while she was here and she said to her "yes, I'm here now, she's fine, just tired". She went with hubby to get the older kids from school and I pretended to be asleep when she came back. She had another friend in Sydney so she went to visit them and said she'd come back 2 days later to say bye before flying home. 2 days later she called in the morning and her name showed on the phone and I just couldn't answer it. She turned up that afternoon and stayed for a few hours...same conversation then she left. It was horrible and this is one of my best friends, more like a sister.

I have had others invite me to "fun" things but I just can't do it. I did get out to see a musical with another close friend. It had been planned for 6 months. She was much more understanding and it was a quiet day in that we didn't talk too much and she didn't ask me how I was. I enjoyed the musical but cried to hubby when I got home. Normally I love the theatre. I love it so much that normally my heart races and I experience such joy that I get happy tears. I didn't feel that and I missed being "me".

I get it Yggy. That's why this place is so special. You're not alone.

Lots of love to you Yggy and a big hug xx

Lost and confused

Guest_5218 — Thu, 31 Mar 2016 06:38:04 GMT

Aww Yggy, you remembered our Cafe conversation that I have been following your thread. Thankyou for including me in your reply, you are very kind. Now you've forced me into replying! ( - :

I am really sorry to hear that your brief moment of clarity has now diffused. Scattered for the time being, but waiting to be pieced back together again. I have hope and great confidence that it will happen soon.

The Forums are a great place to 'unleash our demons' and that is what I find so helpful too I think. Being able to be totally honest and say what's really on my mind. An outlet to express myself. I read back through my anniversary thread a couple of days ago to check on some advice there. I had no idea I had written so much! Those sleepless fearful nights through February were obviously spent typing away my life story, my fears, my emotional turmoil. People here understand though, and I have received so much welcome advice and support in my time here. I am ever so grateful to the Forums for providing that vehicle. I'm pleased you find it helpful as well.

I am wishing for that clarity to return to you again soon Yggy. Dont give up hope, you know its obtainable now.

Take care, wont you. And love and a big hug to you.

Sherie xx

Lost and confused

Guest_2350 — Thu, 31 Mar 2016 20:57:36 GMT

Dear Neil,

how are you? I was thinking of you this morning, as I am travelling for work and I was thinking about your preps for Japan. So I thought I share a few things from my travels.

It helps me to have some kind of routine even when travelling. In Europe especially, but also here, it was good to spend some time on my own every morning - I'm an early riser anyhow, so that helps. Today I went for a walk and now I'm having a coffee in a cafe, all on my own. I am listening to music that calms me and think about the day ahead. That helps me.

When I was training madly, I would know what facilities the hotel had, they normally have a running machine and also often weights. I would check out if there are safe walking paths, a pool nearby and plan my training & pack my gear the way it was required. That's probably why I like my morning routine the way it is.

For the flights I have activities with me, you could buy a magazine at the airport that interests you or I have even bought books, as there is so much choice at airports. I also listen to calming music when I get anxious.

And that is normally all the prep I do. Everything else I find out when I get there or someone else plans it for me.

Let me know how you feel. Japan will be lovely with your wife & daughter in tow.

Have a lovely weekend and take care, Yggy

Lost and confused

Guest_2350 — Thu, 31 Mar 2016 21:02:25 GMT

Dear Carol,

I'm so sorry to hear about your friends visit. That is so hard for us, for our family and friends. So proud that you went to see the musical, what did you go to see? I love musicals myself but have shied away from booking anything.

It's a good idea to share information with friends so they know what could be good.

I'm running out of time to write this morning.

Hope you are ok and have nice plans for the weekend, Yggy

Lost and confused

Guest_2350 — Thu, 31 Mar 2016 21:03:56 GMT

Dear Sherie,

i will be thinking of you today and hope that the EMDR will go well for you. You mentioned an information leaflet? What are you supposed to expect?

Stay strong and all the best, Yggy