topic domestic violence against men in PTSD and trauma

domestic violence against men

gremz — Tue, 29 Jul 2014 10:38:58 GMT

I am currently studying community welfare and began the subject Domestic Family Violence. Although many men do experience abuse from their partners, this is not recognized in my course.
When I asked the teacher about it, she reported to me that men being abused by women would and should be treated differently and receive less support. Its been a long hard battle for females to gain rights so we should be treated better than males?
I don't think this is the "equality" I visioned as a female.
Anyone else find it not quite right?
Shouldn't violence (especially in a family) and abuse against ANYONE be wrong?

domestic violence against men

white knight — Wed, 30 Jul 2014 02:08:54 GMT

Hi gremz, welcome

oh boy, this is my fav topic. A short account.

During the first 11 years of my first marriage I believe I suffered the worse king of emotional abuse ever felt- the weapon of SILENCE!!!. A background. I was 29, she 19. It was after marraige I found that she used silence as her weapon not her defense. We had two children We wanted to recreate the old lifestyle. Country living, mum staying at home, me working. But it didnt work. Higher mortgage led to working 2 jobs for me, then 3 jobs. I was of course exhausted. But that would ahve been tolerable had she carried out her role as a supportive wife, homemaker and mother to two small children (roles she agreed to fulfill).

As it turned out I was changing the nappies, washing the clothes, shopping etc. I was- a superman/mum. What was she doing during this time? sleeping or watching TV. Of course my anger turned to rage and desperation. I called a doctor to our home unannounced. He sat at the table at 2pm, she still in her dressing gown. He took tests and a week later tld me it was a case of "laziness".

Now the real problem- everytime I sought to solve the problem she would go silent. I confided in a friend of hers. Her friend told me that when my wife was a child she would always get her own way if she refused to talk to her parents. And she admitted that she was well aware that doing the same to me was getting her own way. I couldnt work with her, couldnt discuss things she didnt want to discuss and I felt I wasnt in a marriage at all

Eventually it came to a head. In 1996 I planned my suicide. Then I thought of my children to be left behind and stopped my thoughts. Thank God. A week later I was distraught. ...then one response came, the only response ever received during times when she would go silent- she blew a smoke ring in my face.

I left that night. My two children 7 and 4 yo lost their full time dad, I lost my full time fatherhood, my dog, my neighbours, my small country town (had to move closer to my one full time job due to affordability as child support came).

Abuse for a female? Too right it can lead to the worst possible senario.

post script: 2014. Eldest daughter came to live with me at 12yo is now 25. No longer has contact with her mother because "she shuts me out when she wants". Youngest daughter came in and out of my life. She is now 22. She chooses to speak to me at her choosing. History repeats. But this time I chose (last week) to end our relationship..to stop history repeating!

domestic violence against men

gremz — Wed, 30 Jul 2014 09:31:07 GMT

I am so sorry to hear that and so happy to hear that your acted so responsibly.
It is men like you that live up to the meaning of strong and a true gentleman. A lot of you deserve more credit.

domestic violence against men

SubduedBlues — Wed, 30 Jul 2014 13:15:56 GMT

Like WK, my wife of 24 years tortured me with her weapon of choice: silence. She forbade any discussion on topic which included: how she feels about something; any emotions betwixt the two of us; should anyone not be happy with any decision or idea that she has put forward. It was always her way, or she threatened divorce.

After 24 years of trying to get me angry enough to leave her, she finally realized that I would always forgive trespass and stand by my vows. So she left. That was 4 weeks ago.

I think it's rare that women physically abuse men, but emotional abuse is commonplace. Society expects men to suck it up and be tough; and then look to blame the man for being to weak when he can no longer handle the constant barrage of abuse.

domestic violence against men

white knight — Thu, 31 Jul 2014 05:36:21 GMT

Hi D'jected,

Sorry to hear of your recent separation. Hope you keep well and strong.

This topic interests me and always has. If we think along the lines that our modern world really is only a few hundred years old, modern treatment of men and women has really only changed in recent times.

I believe men, right up till recent times, held the power of being head of the family through his physical might. During all this time, a few million years his woman did as she was told, while he hunted and fought off rivals and animals she was the homemaker and gatherer. But she was also the improviser, and she had power through manipulation (I'm not anti woman here) in order for her to survive the best way she could. She found ways to avert physical abuse from her husband or other men with mind power. Thats my theory.

Subsequently many women became masters in this way. Mentally much more robust as she could not rely on her physical strength to overcome man especially the physically abusive man, and there were many.

Today, a man strikes a woman he is an abuser, a wife basher...and rightly so. If a woman shirks her responsibilities by using silence as a weapon, or any other action/inaction that hurts a man mentally, she is never held to account.

Perhaps it all stems from childhood because this behaviour is and likely cannot be addressed when we are adults. During my first marriage I tried counselling 3 times to no effect. What I dreamed of was a local JP trained in human behaviour that I could go to, for him/her to assess the situation and instruct my then wife firmly to treat me correctly in an adult manner with proper communication and for her to be forced to carry out her marital and parental responsibilities of which she chose to do.

In desperation I offered my wife to get a job and I'd give up working my 3 jobs and take over as househusband. It went down like a ton of bricks. I knew this because she didnt talk for 3 weeks. The usual occurence.

Enough about me. I'm suggesting that women can have just as negative effect on men with abuse as man against women.

Note: my comment might get some women offside. Please dont take this personally. It's a theory and I welcome comments.

domestic violence against men

Zbigniew — Thu, 31 Jul 2014 07:08:25 GMT

Hello Gremz,

I think that is absolutely disgraceful that your teacher who is supposedly a professional on the subject of Family Domestic Violence should hold such as attitude regarding phyical violence by women against men.

Physical violence by women against men is very real and this needs to be recognised and taken seriously as too many men are living in silence and are too ashamed to seek help for the fear of being perceived as weak and attitudes such as this from your teacher reinforces this shame.

WK and D'jected have both provided classic examples of emotional abuse by women towards men which i have also been on the receiving end of. I have not experienced physical violence at the hands of a woman however your question bought back memories of a man i met who did experience physical violence from his wife.

Years ago we had a truck delivery to our work place. After the delivery i invited the truck driver in for a cup of coffee. He was a big burly tough looking bloke who looked like a stereotypical truck driver.

I could see that something wasn't quite right with him so i asked him if he was ok and he just broke down and burst into tears and i spent the next hour or so consoling him as he was telling me that he has been a victim of both physical and emotional abuse at the hands of his wife for years.

He felt too much shame to report it or tell anyone for the fear of being percieved as weak or not being believed and he was too scared that his wife would take their kids away from him if he did report it.

He also said that to the outsider that his wife appeared to be a gentle, loving, nice person but behind closed doors she would regularly fly into a rage and beat him over the most minor things.

Therefore i think it is disgraceful that your teacher should consider that this truck driver and others like him should be treated differently and are undeserving of the same level of support as a women in the same situation.

However well done for raising the question and i wish you the very best for your studies. This is definitely an area that requires more attention and recognition.

All the very best to you:)

Zbigniew

domestic violence against men

gremz — Thu, 31 Jul 2014 12:30:46 GMT

Thanks for your stories guys.
It sounds like it has been hard and frustrating.
I just wanted to remind you that men too can play the silent game, it is not just a womans game (although a lot more likely)
That man is a perfect example of what made me so annoyed with her answer. The story is almost identical to most women's, so why should it be treated differently?
I hope our culture can grow more accepting of all circumstances.

domestic violence against men

geoff — Thu, 31 Jul 2014 16:20:50 GMT

dear Gremz, this is an interesting topic and firstly the teacher was not right in what they said.

I have to agree whole heartedly starting off with WK being the first reply, as exactly the same happened with me, and when she did speak it was all about me having to change and nothing about herself.

She would lie in bed when she wasn't working or take days off, and only spoke to the boys, so even when I had my mask on I had to cook, clean, but could never do this properly according to her.

Her silence was punishment, no wonder I was drinking, now after all of this for years we still talk and see each other, and I still love her but would never live with her again. Geoff.

domestic violence against men

gremz — Fri, 01 Aug 2014 05:08:04 GMT

its good that you can still talk to her and handled it so well Geoff.
Does she give you the silent treatment still, or was that just when you were together?

I am surprised to hear silence being used as a weapon is so common, most girls never stop talking!

domestic violence against men

Chris72a — Fri, 08 Aug 2014 09:25:21 GMT

Hi All, haven't really read the whole thread but I think that the majority of male abuse is emotional rather than physical, whilst I have experienced Physical abuse it is more emotional and quite frankly that is worse than the physical...

Cheers

Chris

domestic violence against men

gremz — Thu, 14 Aug 2014 09:27:37 GMT

hi Chris,

thanks for your input.

I do believe that emotional abuse is usually worse to endure and come back from than physical abuse, however I feel that females get both of it.

Females rarely only experience just physical abuse. As a survivor of domestic violence and someone who has many friends that have been in worse situations, the emotional abuse did seem to do the most damage and was always as common, if not more common, as the violent abuse.

i dont want to say that anyone has it worse than some one else, i just want to say that everyone needs to be treated equally and that I believe there should be more supports out there for men who have been abused. just like bullying, abuse can leave scars that last a lifetime, even if you cant see them.

As a male, what do you feel would be beneficial for a man struggling with this?

domestic violence against men

Obsolete — Wed, 27 Aug 2014 02:22:53 GMT

I have a 54 yo brother who is suffering terrible physical, verbal, financial and emotional abuse at the moment and has done so for over 8 years.

He is the most placid non-violent man you could ever meet.

I have witnessed his wife spit in his face a dozen times, destroy his career by sleeping with his boss, daily barrages of extreme verbal

abuse with swearing in front of their 8 yo son (the boy's recently been diagnosed with a chronic anxiety problem - no wonder!), and physical abuse, death threats, constant abusive text messages and more recently has taken to smashing his belongings with a hammer. She has also physically and verbally abused his son on many occasions. She has two daughters from two previous marriages, one of whom is addicted to Ice and is living in a spare bedroom at the mother's insistence on " suicide watch". This daughter regularly brings her drug dealer boyfriend into his home for "payment".

This is all a part of her plan to succeed in obtaining his property by deception through marriage.

He seriously fears for his life and that of his son and they both sleep in locked adjacent bedrooms.

He has documented, recorded and reported it all to his local Police. They more or less laugh at him and advise HIM to leave HIS home.

NOTE: He owned the house BEFORE he met her and is the full-time caregiver for his son since losing his job 3 years ago.

My brother is applying for an Intervention Order this week on advice from the Police, but they say it will be HIM moving out - "It's the easiest way to defuse the situation and besides, traditionally, women don't get removed when children are involved". The Police implied in as much "Come back when you're dead and we might take some action against her". My brother asked the Police if he could see the documented history of his reports. Surprise surprise - there wasn't any!

So much for "gender equality" in 2014...

Domestic violence against Men is rampant yet remains hidden, largely unreported and if reported is often denied by authorities because of the FACT that a man isn't taken seriously when it occurs. There are very few tangible resources or support services available to male victims - we've tried DIDDS etc. but to no avail.

He has nowhere else to go - Men's Refuges simply don't exist.

What can he do to get this abusive woman out of both their lives and live in peace in his own home?

domestic violence against men

gremz — Wed, 27 Aug 2014 07:27:33 GMT

Obslete

That story makes me cringe, how terrible, and to bring a child into it to! She should be reported to DHS!

Has he tried going to another police station? That type of thing cannot go on! What if he sells the house and moves where she cant find him?

I'm glad he has you at least. Thanks for sharing. What a horrific situation!

domestic violence against men

Obsolete — Thu, 28 Aug 2014 02:35:15 GMT

Hi Gremz - thanks for your reply and concern.

He's tried other Police stations but in his experience it's always female Police Officers whom deal with domestic situations at the front desk.

I experienced this myself when I went through the marriage-go-round four years ago. My ex-wife had thrown my then 13 yo son down a flight of stairs, fracturing his arm whilst he was in her "care". After receiving a frantic phone call from him I immediately collected him and took him to my local Police station to report the assault and insisted it be reported to DHS. However the female Police Officer on duty took him into an interview room ALONE and spent an hour convincing him it never happened. Needless to say it wasn't reported to DHS either.

I'm sure that if the genders were reversed I would have spent a night in the cells.

IMHO: I believe (from personal experience) it is the feeling of absolute hopelessness and utter desperation caused by an enshrined and blatantly gender-biased legal system which ultimately results in the forced alienation of often decent Fathers from our children. Unfortunately this sometimes drives a small (and yet well publicised) minority of ex-Fathers to self-harm and sometimes to do much worse. I certainly do not condone nor offer to excuse it, but it happens regardless and no-one is asking the obvious questions:

What is it that is driving some Men to such abhorrent extremes of behaviour and just as importantly why aren't women who behave in the exact same manner being subjected to the same assumptions, stigma, publicity and penalties as Men?

If a woman can seriously assault and abuse a man and/or his children without fear of any legal reprisal or repercussion knowing that gender-biased legal systems are working in her favour and there is a pot of gold waiting at the end, then I ask where is the disincentive for her not to?

No, my Brother simply can't sell-up and disappear with his son. For Men that is called "child abduction" under current Australian law. For women it's called "taking refuge".

I haven't heard from him for a few days now and it worries me.

domestic violence against men

gremz — Thu, 28 Aug 2014 04:41:55 GMT

I am incredibly touched by you and your brother's story. It is almost unbelievable how the tables have turned and how unjust it is for some men now!

Surely it is within your rights to request a male officer or DHS worker, further the complaint, contest the decisions made, seek legal AID advice? Where does the law state that only females can apply for intervention orders? No where.

What horrific situations, especially for your children.

I hope your brother is ok. Is this happening in rural Australia or suburban?

Please keep me updated!

domestic violence against men

newslug — Thu, 28 Aug 2014 20:37:38 GMT

Wow! you have been through the mill! Many men face domestic violence ( in your case, emotional violence through the silent treatment) ... and while I congratulate you for your actions -- maybe your ex wife and your daughter need some psych therapy?

You know its amazing, but the Domestic Violence Council ( at least here in Queensland) was some years back ( not sure if they're still doing it) presenting a brochure which claims that ONLY men perpetrate domestic violence! (that in itself made me feel my heckles rising!) .. it is a quiet un scientific claim., but one gullible people will accept, because "the brochure says so".

I recently turned up at the Domestic Violence Council's shopfront, at the Brisbane Courts, seeking some information (as a journalist, covering a story on Domestic Violence week) , and was ordered out of the office, because "only women" are entitled to domestic violence services!!

Now,it seems to me, the Domestic Violence Council depends largely on taxpayers money --yes, your money and mine) and yet they throw this kind of misinformation out, discriminating against men, and blaming them for this increasing community issue!

Im told a study by a research team at a University in Perth WA, found that in fact 53% of domestic violence was perpetrated by women..... and the most-often used weapon ( in physical violence) was the Kitchen knife .... followed by the Vacuum Cleaner!! One only has to ask themselves the question "who usually has use of these devices" ... and the answer becomes fairly obvious.

I'm not anti women...but I am against women's organisations which try to place a blanket coverage of all men as being perpetrators of domestic violence... and our Governments must stop funding such organisations that spread such rubbish.

As for the mens help line??? how come when you ring, they try to turn the blame back on the caller????

And at one Police station on the Sunshine Coast, I was present, when a man came in,his face bloodied, seeking a Domestic violence order against his wife... the Police officer declined the request, saying that such orders are for women only!!!!!

go figure

domestic violence against men

gremz — Fri, 29 Aug 2014 01:23:35 GMT

Hey guys

All these stories have made me want to take action about this. Why does gender always get in the way of equality?

So I am doing a bit of research into it.

I found the One in Three campaign that is just for males experiencing domestic violence and research.

Please look into it if your interested, or share your story with them.

They also have a phone line that you could use in QLD.. not sure if its any good though.

DVConnect Mensline (Queensland) is a statewide service (9am to midnight, 7 days a week) supporting men affected by domestic violence.Phone - 1800 600 636

Keep me posted. 🙂

domestic violence against men

Obsolete — Fri, 29 Aug 2014 03:30:17 GMT

Thankyou for your replies one and all.

I spoke to my brother last night - yes, he's still alive I'm happy to say! He managed to get an interim Intervention Order against his wife, but they refused to include the part about removing her from the premises and restricting her from coming within a 200 metre distance. The Order was served by Police whilst he was out picking up his son from school. The Order prohibits her from abusing either my brother or his son in any form, but when he returned home he copped another barrage of severe verbal abuse and more death threats - in front of his son - because he got the Order. He called the Police - they were too busy to attend - unless she had physically assaulted either of them. It's only an "interim Intervention Order" which means it needs to be ratified in Court. I have offered to be a witness to her abuse in Court to assist moving her out of his home.

Meanwhile, it's "business as usual" for her in the

abuse department and I expect it to get worse now that the Order has been served.

@Newslug: I recall attending a couple of mandatory "Family Mediation" classes (as a required pre-cursor before going to Court). It was run by feminist women who's sole purpose was to instil the idea in all attendees - male AND female - that it's bad to "bash women". I dared to interrupt and asked the 20+ attendees "Has anyone here tonight actually performed or been a victim of a violent act against women?" Not a single hand went up and I was duly evicted from the meeting. Silly me!

@Gremz: My brother is living in middle-class eastern suburbia in Melbourne.

BTW: I am not a misogynist either, however I feel the current gender-biased laws will prevent me from ever forming another relationship in fear of being discriminated against once again if it turns sour.

Women these days ask: "Where are all the decent men?"

Well, most of us have been through the divorce mill and learned as we burned - and never again.

domestic violence against men

Martin_Martin — Wed, 08 Oct 2014 04:51:31 GMT

Hi I am married been in this relationship for twenty years, back in 96 and 98, the Police removed me from our home, fortunately the youngest step daughter (8) spoke up about her mothers behaviour, this was supported by our GP.

When a later episode occurred, I attended the Police Station and spoke to a WOPO (woman police officer) explaining my predicament about the two previous court appearances both of which were withdrawn by my wife. The officer stated that with the area of domestic violence, 15% of her clients/ cases were when the male was being bullied.

Is it part of feminist thought that violence within a relationship is initiated by the male?

When we consider the diet that women consume from the media, perpetuating insecurity or that every male is errant. In his behaviour. Include a chemical factory that has a haphazard production line within their pelvis coupled with a susceptibility to emotive issues whether real or not, fabricated to entice them to watch or read. Then it is like having a fifth columnist in your bed, in my case it only took looking at a Target underwear ad for my wife to loose the plot. The step daughters soon learned how to use the remote to ensure peace in our time.

Society has to make or convince publicly women that their xx associates are capable of such destructive behaviour.

How many Family Court issues have been dragged out, ended in tragedy because of the female intransigence? There are men in jail,

suicide victims and murderers who were not rescued or believed by the authorities.

it is great to fund mental health issues, however let's consider female on male violence, this should be a salient issue.

domestic violence against men

jk059 — Wed, 08 Oct 2014 07:35:18 GMT

You hit the nail on the head with a 12 lb sledge hammer Martin, it's about time somebody looked at female on male domestic violence. I may speak from bitterness but if I had a dollar for every time my ex committed it on me, I'd be able to retire yesterday. All the cops ever did was advise me to walk away from the relationship because the law was on her side. I did nothing about it when it occurred and I bet there's plenty of us out there who haven't either.