topic Moving on but feeling vulnerable in PTSD and trauma

Moving on but feeling vulnerable

Mum Chris — Fri, 25 Mar 2022 21:17:50 GMT

Hi,

I am getting past my last big attack of ptsd and I’m not backed up into a corner emotionally and figuratively as I was before. I’m expressing myself better and wanting more out of life again. So all positive signs and took a lot of work too.

But I have a really strong feeling of loneliness and detachment from the world and everyone in it. I’m lonely when I go out when I’m home and I feel unwanted ignored and like I don’t belong. I suppose it’s not a new feeling but I don’t feel like I belong anywhere or even worse that no one wants me anywhere.
Im a pretender I work and shop and live but I don’t really feel that I’m valued or that people really don’t like me.
Is it self centred or self obsession or that I’m still always watching for danger and I’m on guard still.

thanks MC

Moving on but feeling vulnerable

mmMekitty — Sat, 26 Mar 2022 07:03:28 GMT

Hi MC, ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️ Looks like you could use some.

Sometimes we struggle through the day, moving inspite of the lure of standing still. I know you know what is better for yourself, & as absurd as it seems, I think you know 'pretending & going through the motions, may be what you can do to: ***Break the cycle .. avoiding people you want & feel close to in your life will only make the feelings you are experiencing worse. When you look up & see no one ther, your feelings will only become worse. If you withdraw more, people will only seem more distant.... I think you can see this for yourself... ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️ May I encourage you, with every bit of my heart. Here for you, with a little extra 💪strength to offer.😺

(now I've got some dumbbells & am making a few muscles 😺)

mmMekitty

Moving on but feeling vulnerable

Croix — Sat, 26 Mar 2022 11:29:22 GMT

Dear MC~

You asked "Is it self centered or self obsession or that I’m still always watching for danger and I’m on guard still. ?"

I'd suppose no, then yes, It's not being self centered, that implies selfishness and that's not you. Yes PTSD does -as you know - make a person react more as if things are threats.

So what threats?

It would be nice if we could balance the good people do us against the harm others do, and just as important have a clear assessment of each person. Sadly one's judgment is never, at least for me, that perfect and also harm seems to outweigh good. I would expect as you become less of a people pleaser and feel more entitled to equality that will turn some relationships sour.

So maybe the threat is that you have to rely upon judgment you do not have confidence in, and that your new found regard for self will turn more relationships sour than you anticipated.

On that basis withdrawal might be a reaction. fortunately not something I'd expect to last for ever. As you become more comfortable with a more caring circle and successfully distance yourself from those who took advantage or injured you by their selfishness then I'd expect you will regain that feeling of closeness. I went though something similar myself.

I'm glad your dog is a bit better, having it at elsewhere at night may be needed, but leaves one feeling a lack.

Croix

Moving on but feeling vulnerable

Mum Chris — Sat, 26 Mar 2022 22:34:21 GMT

Hi mmMekitty

Thank you for all the hearts. I’ve used most and stored some to chuck at my thoughts when the “I’m not good enough” comes into my brain and tries to block my happiness. Going through the motions is what I have now as my best defence. I do like to hide and skulk off and feel rejected and unloved and unliked.
I am alone a lot and 1 friend is travelling and I rarely see 1 friend she is too busy. I’m getting bad vibes from a woman at work I was trying to build a relationship with so I pulled back. I have a friend who is too available and can take all my time. I need to make new friends but where I will see if there are any community groups around that I like the look of.
I am a 100 times better than what I was and really making some changes in my life. I’m being consistent with food and getting a little exercise although I do need more effort there.

Are you doing actual dumbbells? I have a couple of sets and a exercise ball and I do a 23min set and it gets me sweating 😓

🦄🦄🦄 Hears some unicorns for some weekend fun.

Moving on but feeling vulnerable

Mum Chris — Sat, 26 Mar 2022 23:08:50 GMT

Hi Croix

Thank you for your insight and I read yours and mmMekittys several times trying to absorb understand and see where they affect my current thinking.
The loss of people in my life has been dramatic. It actually started a couple of years ago but I was in the middle of the drama and danger so no new people were found. Then recently all I had to do was say something simple like that time doesn’t suit me and stop making the effort and then they are gone from my life. Occasionally 1 will contact me through her inbuilt sense of duty and I’m polite but not at her beckon call so she is gone from my life. I’m in contact via social media to old school friends and I now feel like I shouldn’t comment or communicate with them. Geographically I’m isolated from them and when I miss the reunions I get more and more isolated. I even feel bad wishing them happy birthday.
There’s no way I can meet people and build relationships because I’m so withdrawn and secretive now. I carry this massive shame and it’s my family is shattered and destroyed. I’m amazed by people that can say oh I’m estranged from my family and don’t feel shame.
In the street at the shops I am polite and quick to get in get what I need and get out. I’m still wobbly on my feet so I’m not able to defend myself physically.
I am setting out guidelines for what I want and need and life is on my terms. It’s easy when you are on your own but when others are around it’s a lot harder.

I have realised I can’t handle feedback at work and make it into a full on attack and danger. I’m like that in my personal life too and have married a man that doesn’t criticise me at all.
My psychologist thinks the work thing is something to understand and he thinks it’s from childhood dynamics and we are going to investigate. Oh Joy#

I hope the withdrawal reaction is short lived and I can shake this feeling of detachment soon. I feel very detached from the world

My big doggo is much better and is at the foot of my bed most nights and he wonders back to his special bed too. It was like he had a mental and physical breakdown and couldn’t function anymore. After tender loving care he’s so much better.

All the best MC

Moving on but feeling vulnerable

mmMekitty — Sun, 27 Mar 2022 04:39:49 GMT

Hi MC,

Why shame? I don't understand - you have done your best with what you had , & continue to do your best with what you have now. I don't think you set out to deliberately form & bust up a family.

I want to think some more about this business of feeling shame. Where have I felt this before? & why?

As far as I can see, you have no justifiable reason for either guilt or shame.

& if you were to return with a list of reasons, I'll get cranky, because it would appear you are trying to defend having & keeping these feelings. I think, MC, far better to challenge such self-punishing feelings.

When I was speaking to the Physio at the hospital, she showed me a few exercises I could do holding something like water bottles or tins of food, but I thought, given how my right wrist hurts with what I am sure is arthritis, when I am holding something as thick as that, such as my coffee bottle, I have bought dumbbells from KMart. They have a heavy feel like lead, with a closely fited rubbery coating, which is textured so they do not slip around. I can get my hands around the central area quite easily. I had first bought a [ pair of 1kg dumbbells, & now have also a pair of 2kg dumbbells.

I doubt I would get into barbells...but who knows? I used to enjoy watching the Olympic weightlifting competitions. Those bodies did nothing for me, though💪😼. I'd not want to ever do something which would effect my body so much. I wonder how the sports, taken to that level, effect their bodies, not just what we see, but internally, too.

mmMekitty

Moving on but feeling vulnerable

Mum Chris — Sun, 27 Mar 2022 09:45:42 GMT

Hi mmMekitty

Why do I feel shame could be because I take on everything as my responsibility. All things fall on my shoulders. Or being brought up in a house with secrets and the most important thing was that the world thought we were a great family.
One of the things that brought me to my knees back in therapy and in desperation to this forum.
I wanted to create my very own happy family and I chose a bad person to do it with and I’m still cleaning up his mess. This I understand but I have the childhood conditioning that no one must know.
I am trying to be true to myself and be happy and have a good day each day. I worked in the garden today with some help. The yard is still a mess but there’s flowers and herbs and my plan is to keep adding beauty till you can’t see the tree stumps and crooked garden edge.

I love Kmart weights and I got excited and bought some 6 kg. I use the 2kg mostly when I get to it. I’ve been slack.

I bought some potted herbs too including mint. Hopefully they grow and take over garden and lawn. It’s hard soil here so they usually struggle to grow at all.

I keep my negative thoughts quiet and I don’t let them out. Just maybe on here and to my psychologist. My loved ones can’t handle it and get very stressed and angry at me.

I spoke to grandkids today and am planning another visit. I’ve decorated their room with more mature stuff. All baby things gone. I can’t wait for them to see it.

I think about us relocating but they are my anchor. I will need to when I retire move away but for now I’m not going anywhere.

Wishing you a good week ♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️
MC

Moving on but feeling vulnerable

Croix — Sun, 27 Mar 2022 10:50:28 GMT

Dear MC~

I'm glad Doggo is closer again, I would be lost without Sumo and Foxy, and in the past all their predecessors. Pets can, for me, help turn as house into a home (as can non-critical partners 🙂

I'm lucky, Mrs C and I tend not to criticize each other at all, partly because there is little to criticize (with Mrs C any way:) and partly becuse in the overall scheme of things criticism is a negative neither of us want (yes we are human, not paragons of virtue, and do argue from time ot time - but it is restrained)

So I can understand criticism at work, it can so easily be seen as a threat, after all CPTSD ramps up the flight/fight/etc state of readiness all the time and it is not something that goes away that quickly -but it really does go, at least in my case.

You mentioned feeling isolated or alone. Perhaps if you look at it this way; now that you are putting your own welfare on an equal level wiht those that simply took it as granted you were there to serve them they have melted away.

They never were there with you, not friends, not family (in the best sense), not seeing you as a full person in your own right. All they were was alien figures in the same room. You were just as alone. Now you have the clarity to see the room was always empty.

With a ramped up defensiveness of course it is harder to make new relationships - something the cannot really be rushed runaway. Still it is possible, and can sneak up on one in a most pleasant and unexpected way at times.

It took me a long time to get those I was comfortable with and had confidence in. Even now that is a very small group, but it is enough. I suspect your husband, whatever his faults, is part of that group for you right now.

Shame: to risk a pun it is a shame. A combination of false expectations in oneself and abuse and judgment from others makes humans feel shame, no matter how silly and undeserved. The only remedies I know are time - and anger.

I hope your little anchors are please wiht the transformation of their room to a more adult theme. Actually my experience as a kid, then a parent/grandparent is that kids have more mature thoughts and outlook that I ever expected.

Your gardening sounds a restful pastime

Croix

Moving on but feeling vulnerable

Mum Chris — Mon, 28 Mar 2022 12:35:37 GMT

Hi Croix

Yes it’s very true that I had people around me but they were not there for me. I can’t imagine going back to the way it was it was a anxious place. I had multiple things to do and was under stress constantly. I don’t have people to talk to just a very small few that are my ATeam and yes hubby is there.

I’m shopping for me now getting things I need and things I want. Need to put myself out there and see if I can make some new contacts. Seeing a friend this week but she’s a very occasional friend not someone I can call for a chat. She’s busy and struggling but we are close and share deep secrets.

My health restricts me and I think I like that I have a real reason can’t go here or there. I’m working on that I’m getting fitter and healing from my injury.

It’s very hard to make new friends and I have neglected the ones I did have refusing to go anywhere or venture out away from my home.

Im glad this all will improve because it’s very uncomfortable now.

The healthy me was out and about and fearless and I made my opinion known. I’d worked hard to get to that place and when I lost me again and became the backed into the corner person afraid of every noise I thought my recovery had been a lie and a trick I played on myself.

Croix it’s the silence I hear now and having nothing expected of me. That brings up isolation feelings maybe. I’m free to do or not do and that truly is new for me. I can go sit in a chair and veg and if it’s dinner time I can just relax food will happen. Seeing psychologist sometimes shakes up feelings because I turn up feeling ok a bit better and there’s always tears and truth comes out. Erk

The feeling of being an outsider looking in at people and how they function and aren’t being hurt makes me wish I had that. I know the ones that are gone did not love me or care for me they judged me and even hated me. I was there to be lied to and used and when I said enough then hurt. I truly understand the dynamics of why they do it. Many years ago when I had therapy it was hard for me to understand how people can be so vicious and they must have not known the harm they caused. This time when the police said perpetrator it was like a smack in my face. It woke me up, they are not sick not confused but perpetrators.it put me in the darkest place but I survived and I’m starting to see how numb I am.

Moving on but feeling vulnerable

Croix — Mon, 28 Mar 2022 14:19:18 GMT

Dear MC~

All I can say is that having faith in yourself will work out . You are intelligent and perceptive and can mostly see things as they are. For instance you can see those that used to use you, however you do - as far as I can understand - have blind spot.

You cannot realy accept you are strong, you are a person others will be drawn to with genuine liking, and you do not need a physical excuse not to occasionally reach out. You have the wisdom of past experience and will know if people are genuine and not users.

I doubt you are realy numb, just have not had the opportunity to feel as you should. I'm sure your hubby will raise some feelings - true? It is after all a whole new world for you.

Frankly I think the very hard part is over, you actually realise you were allowing yourself to be used by all and sundry. Now you realise how bad that was for you. So it is only a question of finding in your new life what you are comfortable with - it will happen by stages I'm sure.

Even in that silence you talk about I'd guess things are expected of you - you do not live in isolation. It's not a bad thing. I'm sure your hubby has expectation, even if unvoiced. To be loved, to care. Even if simply understood.

Be glad you can fulfill those. It is really a gift.

I'm not sure the above makes sense to you, the short summary is you are well on the way.

Croix

Moving on but feeling vulnerable

Mum Chris — Sun, 03 Apr 2022 00:57:49 GMT

Hi Croix

The silence has given me time to breathe and find me again. It’s just me recognising I have the space to be thoughtful and quiet and take time to enjoy life. I still get gripped by fear because letting my guard down has not gone well for me at times. I sometimes think I’m fooling myself I’m just temporarily safe. Which could be true and there’s nothing I can do about that. I did everything and am doing everything I can.
I had bad news about my injury and while bones have healed the ligaments and tendons have not and I don’t think anyone knew about it till I asked for more scans. I’m reeling from that and quite angry. I’m back wearing splints and stuck in a chair and not really mobile again. I’m not getting answers and my gp has taken over my treatment. I’m on some pills for stomach so I can take the pills for inflammation and back see him in 10days. I asked for surgery but he said not an option. I have cried and got upset but no use doing that. I’m on a holding pattern while GP tries to get me up and walking. He said another platelet rich plasma injection and cortisone is best option but that’s so expensive. I was so upset I’m not sure if it’s rest or exercise I should be doing. I’m disturbed that I have tears that I have been putting under stress while doing physio. It’s made me feel vulnerable and unsafe again.
I have been a right pain at home too. I was gardening and enjoying myself now I can’t so I’m a misery. I’m not sure if I should be using crutches to get around so I have 20 questions when I see gp. I’m wearing splints and compression bandages and icing again. The flowers I planted are in full bloom so I can enjoy looking at them. I did for a little while go to my dark place and want to give up but shook it off. It’s there but I’m keeping my mind busy.

Moving on but feeling vulnerable

mmMekitty — Sun, 03 Apr 2022 02:49:42 GMT

What a **** pain! So frustrating & confusing when you just don't know what to do, & when you think you've followed advice, from people who are supposed to know, but now wonder if it was the right action after all.

All I can think is to write down all your questions, ask about those options offered, potential side effects, how likely the intervention will be effective, all of it. Make a long appointment with your GP, so there is more time available, too.

Yes, you are learning to respond with some diversion, quiet times, being sure to enjoy what you can, & so can respond with these tools when the dark place looms. You can see it & ward it off. 😺

Here as always,❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️with some 'healthy' mmMarshmallows.

mmMekitty

Moving on but feeling vulnerable

Croix — Sun, 03 Apr 2022 08:18:13 GMT

Dear MC~

I guess I'd have to say mmMekitty has said just about all of it in her post above. It is a right pain, and an unexpected and potentially expensive setback.

I'm sure in time it will sort out, though in the meantime your coping skills are needed. Actually I get the impression that while you might feel down you are also climbing out quicker, I do hope I've not misunderstood. Keeping the mind busy is something I've used myself, it helps a lot at times.

I am a little worried about the crutches, is there anyone you can phone or contact to see if their use is advisable? It's true they are ungainly and hampering but if their use were to help you heal quicker it might be worth it.

If you don't mind me asking what is making you feel unsafe and vulnerable with the physio. Is too much being demanded too quickly?

I have to admit I do not push myself too hard with physio exercises, it is a permanent feature and often it is a battle just to get up and do it at all. Still it does pay dividends for me, less pain, more agility.

Anything amusing or enjoyable you can think of?

Croix

Moving on but feeling vulnerable

Mum Chris — Tue, 05 Apr 2022 05:40:28 GMT

Hi mmMekitty

A right pain it is and really frustrating. I’m a quiet lump with no motivation.

I haven’t been using my weights and feel defeated. Not very wordy and I want to go on sick leave and stay in bed. How are you going with recovery are you being more diligent than me with your exercises.

All the best MC

Moving on but feeling vulnerable

Mum Chris — Tue, 05 Apr 2022 05:55:05 GMT

Hi Croix

Without direction I don’t know what to do so I contacted specialist office sent the scans and waited for response the annoying response was if I’m worse come in. I’m not worse I’m the same and I told receptionist and I will see dr next week because I’m still in pain and not mobile. So annoying she was very obvious and kept repeating if your worse so I kept repeating still the same can’t walk and in pain.
So I will see uninterested expensive dr next week and take up some time explaining how painful it is and how I had to do investigation myself to find untreated damage. Psychologist the day before so maybe he can help me phrase my frustration.
Specialist says do physio but was that with the knowledge of the tendon damage I don’t know. Or is it that the patient doesn’t need to know. So I’m following RICE rest ice compression and elevate.
Grandkids are coming on weekend so I will be distracted and happy. Going for a all you can eat buffet and then ice skating and we can sit on sidelines with full bellies and laugh. Then some Nintendo and PlayStation games with my feet up.

Can’t believe it’s nearly Easter.
😃 MC

Moving on but feeling vulnerable

mmMekitty — Tue, 05 Apr 2022 06:51:09 GMT

Hi MC,

You can always give your arms a bit of a workout while lying in bed. I've been doing that while stretching my armpits. holding the little dumbbells up over my chest, arms stretched, then bringing my arms slowly down ober my head, (provided I've remembered to leave enough room so I do't hit the wall), & hold, this postition being where I am stretching the armpits, then moving them back, holding again, then slowly lowering my arms to my sides. I try to hold them outstretched away from my sides, but the nuisence pain in my upper right arm won't let me stretch in that direction. The physio is right when she said it would be easier doing the stretches while lying down. I've just incorporated the weights myself, combining the weight exercises she showed me, to strengthen my arms & wrists.

It's so ******* slow! I'm not noticing any change to the swelling I've been told is lymph fluid on my chest, since trying to do that massage technique. & not much difference using the moisturising cream along the front of my chest, rubbing in little circles along the scar... oh, that feels so odd it's uncomfortable to do! Things are definitately not itchy or as sore or painful as at the start. Some areas are still tender, & my left armpit still does not register tempter or 95% feeling - I do feel some sense of pressure, but nothing else there, until I give it all the stretch I do when exercising. then along those corded tendons, It hurts a little. But you could come along a tug all my little hairs out &I wouldn't feel that!

It does encourage me to think that if you are doing what you have been able to do, since you began to use the weights, then surely I can do what I've been asked to do. I know, that thought I have, does not mean you will be in any way to blame if I don't do my own exercises - because I'm not so good at doing things for myself, even when I know how much good t;hey will do me... it's my responsibility, so long as I am also being responsible for my own health, physical & mental. I'm just thinking of us as a team, or competitors, if that's what it will take for me to get up & do my exercises.

& the long-term: I'd really like some muscles!

It would go a long way towards me feeling strong enough to defend myself, as I once felt I could, but haven't for many years. The sense of being weat is reeeally baaad!

☮️❤️☮️❤️☮️❤️☮️❤️☮️❤️

mmMekitty🙀nananap!💤

Moving on but feeling vulnerable

Mum Chris — Tue, 05 Apr 2022 12:18:50 GMT

Hi mmMekitty

Yes I totally agree that the feeling of being unable to defend myself has been a big thing for me too. I spent a lot of energy learning how to defend myself and building muscles and strength. Knowing that I could get out of most situations gave me courage. It was my secret super power now I need to be careful on uneven ground. Lol There’s a lot of supporting research on the effects of self defence classes and Ptsd

I’m super uninterested in doing what I need to do. I’m not knitting and not working properly I’ve backslid to blah can’t be bothered. I’m a downer and having a tantrum. Pain is getting me down. I wonder if my mood is being affected by the new drugs. I’m taking a pill for my stomach so I can take a pill for my inflammation and now I’m finding it hard to stay on my diet.
I’ve been googling sewing machines and other stuff like it’s something I need. I need to pay medical bills but I’d rather get stuff I can’t afford. As I said I’m a bit of a brat.

sounds like you are staying true to the course exercises and massages. I can’t imagine how hard it is for you. I have nothing compared to what you are dealing with and you are triumphant a little bit each day. ♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️

Good night and I hope everyone sleeps well.
MC

Moving on but feeling vulnerable

mmMekitty — Tue, 05 Apr 2022 12:56:47 GMT

Hi MC,

It sound as if you are having a bit of a rebellion against being an adult. It's bleeping hard to be an adult all the time, & you've been adult about so much - since I first read a post of yours, when was that? Sorry, memory won't supply that info. It's been months, & you barely get a break. & to realise those ligaments & tendons are not healing & you were the one to have to ask for more scans... it's alright fo feel as you do, & a great idea to find ways of expressing how you feel with your Psychologist.

I hope the weekend proves to be a break, fun & relaxing, but I suspect you'll over-do it... not much use advising you not to, is there?

❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️ ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️oo, I think my hearts are overflowing! Here, gather some up for you, hubby, grandkids, whoever else you see could use some, even Croix!...but keep some extras for yourself, to use when you can't sleep.

mmMekitty

Moving on but feeling vulnerable

Croix — Sun, 10 Apr 2022 12:03:53 GMT

Dear MC~

This is the week coming up (if I can count correctly on flippers:) you see your psych and your 'uninterested doctor'. I'm wishing you well and that you get your questions about exercise, pain and all sorted you.

Have you been having fun with the grandkids?

Croix

Moving on but feeling vulnerable

Mum Chris — Sun, 01 May 2022 02:38:51 GMT

Hi mmMekitty

I’ve been MIA missing in action 😂 I am as you identify sick of being a grown up. I’m tired. I have been told to rest my foot and I have learnt how to apply strapping to my foot to mimic strong tendons and to stop injured tendons from slipping so I don’t cause more injury. I’m using 1 crutch to reduce impact injuries from walking. It’s consumed me.
I’ve also started treatment for CPTSD and that’s a bit yuck. I nearly blew up my life but I controlled myself and it’s getting to be a pattern. I feel bad learn how to understand it and then I do more deep diving into my thinking and feeling and get used to that and learn how to think and feel it without internalizing it into self hatred and panic. Psychologist said that what I’ve experienced is extreme and I have a strong feeling and belief that I’m unworthy. I’m also finding that I feel detached from life. I know I am living but I’m not participating fully in it. I’ve had some talks with my husband some not so pleasant and it’s been terrifying. I’m saying what I need from him I came from a neglectful abusive environment and he is not very loving to me. He’s lovely nice and supportive but does not show his love. He’s responding by being more affectionate and talking to me more. Luckily because there was in my mind the chance he could reject my needs. Then I would have to recognise it and remove myself from the situation. So very scary. I’m not a saint and he’s very angry with me for trying to check out of life. He got treated badly by ambulance and hospital he said he was treated like a perpetrator. He had the heartache of everything and no support. Poor guy. He’s like my carer and gets no help. I feel very guilty and I can’t believe I felt so hopeless.

❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️ heaps of hearts for you I hope you have a wonderful long weekend.
all the best MC