topic isolated and publicly humiliated and ostracised in PTSD and trauma

isolated and publicly humiliated and ostracised

Kristie_H — Sat, 23 Apr 2022 08:40:52 GMT

Hi, I am a single mum of great kids but I can't deal with the pain of my failings anymore. My kids and I have been through a life of trauma. My parents were abusive, I chose alcohol to deal with the pain and had a series of dv relationships. Two of my children have moved out and the two at home are in high school. I love my children but I am struggling with the guilt of letting them down. My regret list is long and so I turned to alcohol again the other night and it has made my life worse. My public life that is. I am targeted by my local community online which my ex started and now has a life of its own. My mental breakdown was publicized, rumours, slut shaming you name it they post it about me. Also, because we live in a small town I am noticed everywhere and it keeps the pain of rejection alive and strong. I am treated as less than human and it breaks my heart every day I have to get up and face other people's judgment. I have also lost all of my friends and I have been battling depression, anxiety, and PTSD alone for years but it is becoming unbearable with no friends or support to move forward. I feel like a failure as a human and mother and that I cannot see my life getting any better or even have a purpose anymore.

I am reaching out because I can't take being alone much longer. Every part of my heart hurts because I feel like a failure as a parent and human. I just really need someone to hear, is why I am reaching out.

isolated and publicly humiliated and ostracised

Croix — Sat, 23 Apr 2022 10:02:38 GMT

Dear Kristie_H~

I'm very glad you posted here on the Forum and talked abut the things you have ot face every day. You are not alone and here tyou will find only kindness and understanding.

I guess, apart from your daughter having severe ADHD and bipolar which you mentioned elswhere, there were two things that stood out for me. The first is that you have been the subject of long term abusive treatment by those who should have been cherishing you and secondly you love your children and I believe have looked after them until they were ready to leave home - with two still in the nest.

To keep on coping, when you have depression, anxiety, and PTSD is a mighty feat, and made even harder by the judgmental and cruel attitudes of those around you. It is no wonder you use alcohol even if that is not an ideal thing.

Sadly one of the effects of being traumatized like this is to blame oneself - which is a sort of human failing and not warranted. It gets very hard to see all that you have done right. Maybe harder still to accept from someone else looking in that you are a very worthy person with much to be admired.

You think of others, I read your support to Scaredmum2 and Jegssie, you did not have ot do that but did. It is a great pity you are not surrounded by people as nonjudgmental and supportive as you are.

I live in a small town in a rural area and am used ot the sort of gossip, prejudice and casual cruelty that goes on. Despite that I have found some who are above that and have found that encouraging. I hope you can find someone to be a friend so you do not feel so alone.

We will be here for you anyway

Croix

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Petal22 — Sat, 23 Apr 2022 12:33:16 GMT

Hi Kristie H,

I hear you.

You have given birth to amazing children and you have done your best, some times as parents we do feel a bit lost and we question our parenting.

You have already raised two children that have been able to move out with their own independence and that's a accomplishment in itself, for them to be able to do that they would have had to have inner confidence which is something you gave to them by the way you bought them up.

The two you still have at home would love you to pieces and look at you as their comfort which Im sure that they have shown to you over the years.

Sometimes we think we have failed as parents but to our children we are their source of life the ones they can always count on and know we are there when they ever need us.... which I am sure you are there for your children with unconditional love.

I'm sorry that you have turned to alcohol in the past but this doesn't define you as a person, you are still you.

I understand that it would be difficult to live in a small town and feel like you have been targeted online, the people who respond to this rediculous online community are showing you the people that they are, including your ex .... its a reflection of them and not you.

People can perceive you in anyway that their mind is programmed to do so but its a reflection of them!

'Your reaction to them is an awareness of you'

You can "choose" how to react to these people...... try to choose a inner reaction that keeps your internal world peaceful.

I know its never nice to feel judged by others but its something we can't control.

Try not to let the thoughts you are having of others judging you consume you just try to let the thoughts go and move forward in a direction that makes your life feel more calmer.

Im sorry that you have lost your friends but they really can't have been real friends to you if they were easy to loose, friends who care for you would want to be there for you.

Your friends are out there and they will come into your life... the right ones.

Im also sorry that your parents were abusive but that was them and not you......... you can choose to break the chain of this and live the best possible life for you and your children... and you CAN!

It comes from within and really is possible, please try to learn to love and accept yourself because once you begin to do this you become free from within and your life will truly begin.

I'm always here to chat you

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therising — Sat, 23 Apr 2022 21:09:39 GMT

Hi Kristie

From one mum to another, I want to give you a massive hug while acknowledging you're doing your best for now under the most upsetting of circumstances. Our best always appears different under different circumstances. Our best is not always obvious.

As an ex drinker who's faced depression, I can relate to the need to drink. For me, alcohol was an emotional regulator. If I wanted to feel relief from depression, I'd drink to feel it. Carefree, from stress, I'd drink to feel it. Free from the impact of judgement from others, I'd drink and so on. Problem was when I'd drink I'd come to regret what I'd do or say while in that state. While the chemistry in alcohol messes with our own physical chemistry, natural factors like regret also play a part, seriously fueling depression. It's such a hard cycle to get out of: One of the things that brings relief is actually creating problems. Our challenges can feel brutal without alcohol being used to 'dial down' how much we feel those challenges.

With us not being permitted to use offensive language on the forums here, I have to be careful. With your ex giving himself the freedom to openly degrade you while encouraging others to do the same, I can't fully express exactly what I think of him and them, not without being censored. With those who give themself the freedom to cruelly judge you...glass houses, my friend. I imagine there'd be glass pretty much everywhere throughout the whole of the town you're in. Skeletons in just about every closet, I imagine so. Personally, I'd never enter politics; the opposition would have a field day with my skeletons 🙂 If not a single person is working to lift your spirits or have you see life from a different perspective when it comes to the things you should be proud of - they should be absolutely ashamed of themselves. Anyone who depresses a person and sees no fault in this, you gotta seriously question it. Could it be that you're living in a town filled with depressing judgemental over opinionated people? Sounds like it. If you can get through this kind of test, my god, you're outstanding, truly outstanding. The people in your town are heartbreaking and that's not your fault. They're 'downers' not 'raisers'.

The fact you're a conscious mum, makes motherhood extra challenging. A non conscious parent feels no need for change. It's easy for a non conscious self righteous parent to simply not care, not feel. That is not who you are. You're a feeler, the best kind of mum 🙂

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Sophia16 — Sun, 24 Apr 2022 02:17:59 GMT

Hi Kristie,

Thank you for sharing your story. The way you have been treated really breaks my heart. You have been so strong throughout all of this and you should be very proud of yourself for still being here today. I am inspired by you.

You are not alone. The Beyond Blue forums are here for you and to support you through your journey.

Just a few questions: Have these thoughts led to any plans of suicide? Do you have a safety plan?

Stay safe and I am always here to chat!

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Kristie_H — Mon, 25 Apr 2022 23:05:59 GMT

Hi Croix,

Thank you for your kind words. Reading the replies, I can feel the trauma surfacing in my body- the overwhelming feelings I have buried, carried, and tried to numb surface when I talk or write about my struggles. I guess that's why I have tried so hard to avoid and ignore them. This is also why it has taken me a few days to reply, confronting these feelings and thoughts are difficult but a road I need to travel.

I am deeply comforted by your kind words and agree, forgetting the good and self-blame are human traits. I am not sure where my life will go from here but I think having support and kindness, things I have not experienced for years, it a great first step. Trusting anyone in my community will be the next. I'm afraid everyone will spy on me for my ex or the fame of posting about me so I am not sure if I can ever trust anyone here. It saddens me that I can have no friends in my community but it also makes me feel safer from his prying and controlling eyes.

Thank you also for extending yourself to be there for me, a kind ear one truly one of life's precious gifts.

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Kristie_H — Tue, 26 Apr 2022 03:02:54 GMT

Hi Petal22,

What thoughtful advice you have given-thank you. Two things rang truest for me at present, being me and unconditional love. I feel as though I have lost who I am through staring at myself through others' eyes, so thankful my GP understands this also and has prescribed three months of me time with my kids. No worrying about the future, past and present dilemmas, just write them down hang them on an invisible clothesline and let them dry for three months. Then I go back and she will teach me how to iron them. I love the metaphors space because of its power to traverse across cultures and time so my GP's advice hit home.

Today is the first day of my prescription time and I have loved the weight of everything no longer being my responsibility to worry about ( I am sure this will take a lot more practice and I am likely in the honeymoon period). All I had to manage was myself, my children, and their DIstance Education modules. It has been such a beautiful day and I have begun to wonder how I carried so many worries, fears, cognitive distortions along with trauma and mental illness for so long alone. I can only hope that this space will one day be filled with the likes of joy, friends, famliy, and philosophy. As a child, I always thought a lot, questioned how power worked in society and how we as humans can be so easily led astray when things turn bad. I just replaced this space of curiosity with dread and abuse as I got older.

All great philosophers of the past lost themselves entirely before reflecting on the existentialism of modernity and some on the simplistic failings of our species; however, their ideas are in most cases posthumously studied and published I am not expecting anything but learning, writing and reflecting. I am halfway through an Honours degree so there is that to look forward to in the future.

As for the rejection I experience socially I have the time to do exactly what you suggested, react how I want to, and in a calm and peaceful manner. I am avoiding leaving the house at present but when I do, I will have a piece of amour thanks to your kind and supportive words.

Thanks also to your kind words of support, I have felt safe and human enough to self-inquire on how I feel today and that is not a question I have asked myself, or in the least answered honestly in years!! Thank you for this gift.

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Petal22 — Tue, 26 Apr 2022 11:45:26 GMT

Hi Kristie H,

Thank you for your kind words to me, I'm happy to support you any time you need... and I'm glad that I have helped you in some way.

Please feel free to reach out anytime, even if it's on this thread.

That's great that you have three months of your time with your kids, you sound as though you have a great understanding gp .

I understand that sometimes when we have have so much dialog going on inside our minds, dialog that comes from others judgements and negativity we sometimes identify with it but when we become more aware (more conscious) we begin to understand that this dialog isn't ourselves at all but others.

I also understand that the mind brings up this dialog over and over again sometimes, when the mind does this you can just allow it to be there in the background but instead put your attention on something more positive in the present moment and not what's going on inside your mind. ( it takes practice)

Meditation is a really useful tool to teach us this.

Practice positive self talk, the good thing about the mind is we can can feed it with positive thoughts.. ( we get to put those in our minds).

You really do have a positive future of joy, friends, family and philosophy, think it and believe it...... believe that something great is going to happen to you.... I find having these uplifting thoughts also gives us something to look forward to and gives us positive emotions.

I'm sorry that as you got older that your thoughts changed to dread and abuse I understand this would have been difficult.

You still can change your mind set back to curiosity and other beautiful things ( it just takes practice).

Its fantastic that you are half way through an honours degree, It definitely is some thing to look forward to.

You also sound like you have a keen interest in philosophy which is great.

Metaphors are very interesting.

I practice reiki, this practice is very beautiful I have done 2 levels now and it's amazing to learn how energy works in a physical sense and how powerful it can be in many ways.

With reiki we envision a free flowing river within the body and sometimes the river becomes blocked with rocks that represent human worries, fear and anger...

When reiki is practiced the pure flow of energy is re aligned within the body.

I'm glad that you have had a beautiful day and that you now have a suit of armour im sure you will wear it well.

Please chat to me anytime

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Kristie_H — Thu, 28 Apr 2022 22:19:55 GMT

Hi Sophia16,

I don't have a plan for suicide nor a safety plan but you have made me think I should have a safety one.

Thanks for your kind words of support. I have had to be strong when I look back, I just was too consumed with the idea of survival to reflect on this.

This forum has profoundly helped me to reflect on my strengths. I mean, I have thought jeez this was tough to get here but I did, compared to someone reminding you just feels different. Being depressed it is easy to dismiss self-efficacy but outside acknowledgment and understanding have more profound effects than I ever thought possible.

For example, I was out shopping yesterday and I had an anxiety attack before I left the house but when I was there, the kind words shared with me here were there to remind me that I am not the monster I am made out to be and I have a strength most may never realize they us humans are capable of- this was helpful.

Thank you for reaching out, the kindness and support is greatly appreciated.

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Kristie_H — Thu, 28 Apr 2022 22:33:26 GMT

Hi therising,

Thank you for your post. I share your anger at such inhumane treatment of fellow people and I felt powerless but being angry is an emotion that is ok to explore. Before that, I never allowed myself to be angry because I was afraid how that would come out but it only made me stronger for realizing that what my ex has done does make me angry. I am not talking stalking, revenge angry by angry in the disappointment in how he has treated me. This liberated me when I was at a family appointment yesterday and I was asked what my ex's role was and instead of being afraid of what power he has over me, I felt a sense of anger towards his disgusting behavior and chode to reply with I don't agree with [his] choices so I'd prefer o focus on my family's future. I guess what I am saying is that my perspective shifted from one of fear of power over to one of disgust and disapproval for his treatment of me and my children's lives. Strangely, I've never had anyone share the sentiments of disapproval of his actions towards me so it was moving.

I also told myself yesterday, if I can get through this, I can do anything! and for these words- sincerely thank you. I am a conscious mum, an empath, and a person who has learned the values of life and family; however, it happened unorthodoxly. However, feeling the love for my children, where they are, and how much hope they have for the future has Definity given more strength and added another link in the amour_ thank you.

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therising — Fri, 29 Apr 2022 12:31:39 GMT

Hi Kristie

I'm so glad to hear you're channeling powerful aspects of yourself. I smile when I say there are definitely people in my life who can naturally channel the intolerant cow in me. They have an amazing ability when it comes to triggering her to come to life 🙂 Was talking to someone at work tonight about this particular aspect of self actually. My pal at work said 'You should give her a name (that part of me)'. We gotta celebrate that liberating part of our self at times Kristie. It's a powerful part of who we are. The worst of people can bring this empowering part of us to life.

Actually, was having a discussion with another pal at work about empaths. Such a fascinating topic, for sure. When you're 'a feeler' life definitely becomes challenging. My 19yo daughter's a feeler/empath, occasionally saying to me if I'm stressing 'Stop it! I can feel what you're doing to me. Shift your focus and stop getting me as worked up as you'. My 16yo son's also an empath, currently in the process of mastering emotional detachment. He tends to favor his analytical side these days and, in doing so, can emotionally detach from a degrading depressing person in the blink of an eye. It's impressive. He's also becoming rather confrontational while mastering constructive analysis. When once he suffered terribly through years of bullying at school, now he's inclined to analyse and question such a person ('Why are you so incredibly depressing?) 'or verbally shut them down so he doesn't have to listen to them.

An empath will definitely feel a degrading person. They have quite a vibe to them, indeed. You can just feel them bringing you down. During my years in depression, I used think such a person was spot on when it came to how they labeled me. I used to easily believe them and their degrading depressing words. These days it's a very different story. Hope I get a laugh out of you when I offer the following...

When you feel yourself in the presence of a seriously degrading depressing person, interrupt them by saying 'Please excuse me as I test my psychic abilities'. They may look at you strangely as you raise your hands in front of you (shoulder height) with palms facing them. Develop a look of deep concentration on your face in the lead up to exclaiming 'You know what, I get a strong sense that I'm in the presence of an a-hole. Am I right? I do believe I am. Being so sensitive, I have a knack for sensing such people'. Then you may offer a sly grin if you so wish 🙂

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Sophia16 — Sat, 30 Apr 2022 05:48:12 GMT

Hi,

Yes, a safety plan is great! Especially when all the negative thoughts are coming in and taking over. A safety plan can involve implementing your favourite hobbies or things that make you feel happy. E.g. when you feel a bad thought is coming, read a few posts from the Beyond Blue forums to make yourself feel better.

You have been extremely strong and as I said before, I am truly inspired by your courage.

I am really glad that the Beyond Blue forums have helped you through your tough times. Always here for you and we all appreciate you being so open here. You deserve every good thing that this world can offer.

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Kristie_H — Sun, 01 May 2022 10:09:37 GMT

Therising, that cracked me up!

Yes, not being afraid to tell someone they're rude is a skill I aim to master. I did have an incident at the local pediatrician's clinic the other day when the nurse came and called my son to get his weight and height checked- my son by this stage has become overwhelmed at the attention and shut down- so the rude woman ignored my son's behavior (probably thinking it's my bad mothering that has done this) and repeated herself louder and drew more attention. I sternly replied, I heard you and we are having some difficulties doing that so will skip this today thanks and do it next time. I was proud to have put her in her place and she scoffed and walked off. My poor son though is 12 and going to be medicated for PTSD from DV. I have sole parental responsibility since November last year and we are all on a journey of putting in boundaries, saying no, and feeling less guilty for being open and ourselves. So I was glad I could lead by example.

I am about to embark on reading the book 'women who run with wolves' because you have inspired me to embrace my inner wild cow. I have earnt the right to not put up with crap, and I wish to channel her and welcome that part of me with a name, just as you mentioned. I think it sounds empowering to welcome and accept the parts that make us whole in contrast to being ashamed of the strengths and assertiveness we as women have.

I've always been scared though of going too far one way and being a Karen or a miserable human, but I think the fear of being labeled something other than what I am comes from DV. I remember I really did like who I was becoming when I was 22 and met my tormentor.

This forum and these open and free discussions have helped build an armor of pride and courage from all the things I thought I was to be the person who I am and not fall victim to others' labels - thank you. This is and will be a slow and gentle process of rebuilding myself but I have three months to focus on being a mother and a brave woman wearing my battle scars with honor! I'm imagining connecting with my inner Viking shieldmaiden.

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therising — Sun, 01 May 2022 13:06:10 GMT

Hi Kristie

Glad I got a laugh out of you. I think if we can find a way to see other people's depressing behaviour as laughable, it can help shift our perspective. Not easy to do at times. I've found a healthy mantra that helps keep me out of depression to be 'I'm observing the insanity of another person and that makes me observant'. Helps keep me in the best headspace when I'm facing triggering people.

Kristie, I gotta admit I'm stunned. You wouldn't believe it but after I'd woken up in front of the tv at around 10:30pm, with YouTube having jumped through several topics on screen while I was dozing, I woke up to the end of a show about Vikings. Thought nothing of it until I got up off the couch and came to open the forums here. At the end of your post, there it was, a reference to the Viking shieldmaiden. I could not help but smile. While I have some downer people in my life who criticise my love of finding coincidence, doesn't stop me from looking for it and finding it. As I say to them 'What's wrong with you? What's wrong with recognising the magic in life?'. Not my problem if they choose to dismiss it. I find the magic highly amusing. Why would we dismiss the chance to be amused? Got dozens of stories about meaningful coincidence/synchronicity, compared to basic coincidence. I find basic coincidence is only mildly amusing.

Oooh, nothing quite like a certain situation to trigger the lioness in us to come to life. She's a fierce one. A 'take no prisoners' part of us, with a go for the jugular nature. Our kids raise us to be fierce at times. Our love for them can bring about the best in us. You are a fine example of fearlessness for your son. Through your actions he knows his value. Through your actions he knows he is more than what that woman may have led him to believe. He is worth fighting for.

I find sometimes I gotta do a bit of 'dual channeling'. While 'the lioness' in me may be channeled to come to life, 'the sage' must be channeled as well. It's the sage that keeps a leash on her. It's the sage that dictates 'Stay calm, no need for a full on attack. Growl, show your teeth and that's all'. Of course, I won't literally do that otherwise I'd look insane. Laughing as I imagine it. Now I'm really laughing as I imagine actually doing it. People would definitely leave this insane looking women alone. Might embarrass my kids a little and gain me a bit of a rep, walking around snarling 🙂

May your sword, mind and tongue be sharp when going into battle.

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Kristie_H — Fri, 06 May 2022 09:39:54 GMT

Hi therising,

I am new to finding ways to rationalise other people's unwanted behavior for two main reasons: 1. A lifetime of abuse had led to 2. detachment. So, reading your interesting ways and views is putting a new perspective on this form of coping/life tool/ mechanism. I will think of a mantra for myself and share it the next time we chat. The difficulty will be in 'remembering' to remind me- baby steps here.

I wholeheartedly agree with your views on coincidences and their magic! They are powerfully emotive, reflective, memorable, and amusing all at once to say the least. If I could speak the language of the numbers I would find myself calculating the chances of you seeing the tv with vikings and then reading my post - but would those odds exemplify the magic or reduce them to numbers- sorry the philosopher in me...either way, some of my favorite virtues of being human is recognizing the power of coincidences and serendipity, and our ingenuity. I too feel the magic of these and adore the amusing abilities. Lately, I have been having Deja Vu about dreams I had in the past coming to fruition as recently as this morning. - was it a coincidence? Either way, it rocks my mind every time and I live for these rarer moments.

I am also a late replier because I am new to the awareness of my own embodiment and the realizations I experience sometimes are also powerful and overwhelming at times. I'm also an empath, and so are my kids as I mentioned, so calming the self and finding the sage is my prescription for now.

As for the lion, I totally imagined snarling teeth too, read you said you were imagining it and laughed out loud again too! -You are hilarious and the next time my teen talks back and I am annoyed, I will imagine snarling! Another thank you.

Thanks also for the kind words about protecting my son. Somehow, through everything, I have managed to save my children; I drowned but was reborn so it's okay, they are safe now and I will grow again.

On a lighter note..., may the amusement of a GOOD coincidence cross your path soon 🙂

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therising — Fri, 06 May 2022 22:48:51 GMT

Hi Kristie

I can relate to what you say when it comes to remembering to practice something, such as with a mantra or a new way of living. One of the best pieces of advice I was ever given was 'Every time you have a revelation or some profound insight, write it down because you'll possibly forget it down the track'. So, it's kind of like (while journaling) you're writing your own self help or reference book.

I think unless we're an absolute natural at something, chances are we have to exercise developing an ability, over and over, until it eventually becomes so well developed that its easily accessed as a natural or effortless ability. When considering we may have spent some decades practicing and practicing 'people pleasing', this can become a well exercised ability, with a dark side of course. It's so well exercised and practiced (practice makes perfect) that it can feel impossible to change this habit or modify it in a way that begins to serve us. We can become so emotionally tuned into feedback from others to the point where tuning in is effortless. We've learned to read even the finest of micro expressions on a person's face which can express either approval or disapproval. The bonus that comes with this practice is...You can now regard yourself as 'an advanced reader'. If I took you into a room filled with people experiencing different emotions, I assume you'd have a pretty good strike rate when it comes to telling me who's feeling what, based on pure observation.

Pays to know what existing abilities you have in your toolbox. For example, to feel so much is not 'a fault', it's an ability. Managing how to work with such an ability becomes the challenge. How to turn your ability to feel off, down, up etc can be the overall challenge.

When it comes to toxic people, I've found the following revelation to be empowering. When coming out of a long term toxic relationship, there can be evidence of how that person has actually helped us to develop. Because of them, we have had to develop our patience and our level of tolerance. While often justifying our thoughts, words and actions to them, we have developed our ability to reason (through often having to find and give reasons). We may have developed our level of flexibility, often flexing to suit them. Because of them we have learned what anxious and depressing feels like. These are 'alarming' emotions. Ding, ding, ding, something's off here. Cue the analyst in us to ask 'What are you really feeling here?'.