topic Support for a sex addiction partner in PTSD and trauma

Support for a sex addiction partner

Destroyedlove — Tue, 14 Jul 2026 23:24:35 GMT

Hello,

I recently discovered my husbands porn/sex addiction. It was a long 10 weeks of trickle truth before he admitted to paying for sex.

we have been together 13 years and have 3 very young children with one on the way.

Prior to this our marriage has probably been in the best place it’s ever been, so this has come at such a complete shock and only 2 weeks after finding out I am pregnant.

our marriage overall is great. We get along well, laugh, trust one another, have a good sex and consistant sex life. Honestly everything has been great. Yes some resentment in there from my end for feeling like I do everything but pay the bills. But I have started to shift that mindset of late and appreciate I don’t have the financial stress he carries. He has also expressed in the past and practically begged for more intimacy and feeling wanted. At the time I couldn’t see it from his view as we were always touchy, still had sex and gave compliments. I know now how damaging this is but at the time I was consumed and closed minded thinking it wasn’t a big deal.

my world is absolutely shattered. I am in constant shock. I am shaking and spiraling and have intense rage. I feel like I am traumatising my kids. I can’t seem to put all this aside for them or this unborn baby.
I have no clue where to turn too.

I saw a psychologist last week but all she said was to learn to breath.
My family are good but also not good at the same time.

since the initial discovery of porn and sex work sites (no confession) my husband has quit porn, removed his trigger place to watch (showers AM), deleted social media. Is seeing a therapist and also addressed his anxiety/depression and agreed to take medication.
He has been actively trying to show me he is working on this, but I I feel like for 10 weeks, everytime I got back up, I went digging and was knocked back down twenty times harder.
I have no trust for this man. Every time he picks up his phone. Any time I drive past a massage parlor or see an attractive women, if he calls to check on me I feel it’s like actually calculated, if he says for me to go instead of him I feel it’s like he’s buying time alone. Everything he does now feels calculated. I don’t know how to explain this as I’ve never ever ever been this person.
I want to trust him and make this work because our marriage has been great. I dont want to destroy something good and my children’s lives at the first sign of issues. But at what cost to my own sanity? I don’t even know how to look after myself and I’m still studying and trying to find the answers for him. I feel guilty leaving when it’s a health issue. Im trying desperately not to take it personal but that is just not possible.

how do I get through this? There is so much support for the one that needs help but what about me? What about the partners?

Online is so doom and gloom and any positive outcomes are so hard to come by.

Re: Support for a sex addiction partner

indigo22 — Wed, 15 Jul 2026 04:04:52 GMT

Hi,

Welcome to the forums, I am so glad you found your way here.

I'm sorry to hear what you are going through at present, it's not easy to come to terms with a secret your partner has kept from you that affects you in such a personal way. It is completely understandable that you are confused and in need of support.

It doesn't sound like the psychologist you saw is the right one for you if all you were offered was breathing exercises. These do help but you need more than that to work through your feelings at present. It is perfectly ok to try out other therapists to find one you feel will help you. The Beyond Blue helpline may be able to point you in the right direction for resources in your area.

I think you already know that what your partner is dealing with is an addiction, like any other addiction be it alcohol, drugs, shopping, it needs to be addressed to find the underlying cause. There may be a reason in his past that you are unaware of that triggered the addiction. It likely has nothing to do with you personally, but I am sure that is how it feels to you at present.

Your first priority needs to be to yourself, your unborn baby and your children. Your partner is taking steps to address this and can look after himself, whereas your children cannot and you can't help them while you are still in need of help yourself. The time to make decisions is not when you are in shock so give yourself some time to settle so you can think more clearly. As a suggestion, is there anyone who could take the children for a short period of time to give you some time to process what is happening. Perhaps Grandparents or a sibling? It will also help your children if they are not in the tense environment for a short while.

We will be here to support you through this and I hope that some of these suggestions will be helpful to you. Please feel free to continue this conversation if you wish.

Be kind to yourself,

indigo 💜

Re: Support for a sex addiction partner

white knight — Wed, 15 Jul 2026 05:35:47 GMT

Hi, welcome

You've received Indigo's superb post.

Ive consulted my wife on this to get some clarity from a females viewpoint on my thoughts.

Firstly thankyou for putting faith in BB and our forums.

A sexual therapist is the way to the appropriate treatment for him. Every couple is different and you and your kids have a lot at stake here. My lovely wife pointed out that his behaviour although unacceptable is not an affair whereby he is engaging in an emotional, loving bind that directly competes with yourself. So, thats one good thing. He also does love you and has made effort, great.

A sexual therapist might explore what could be absent in his fantasies that he hasn't discussed with you.

If we were capable of taking 100 random couples to seek ultra honest answers about their marriage I'm guessing it would go something like this-

5-10% or more having sexual encounters outside marriage
5% watch porn
20% would have a sex outside marriage if the opportunity presented itself
30% have an unhappy sex life
40% have an unfulfilled love life but remain married
70% of married people are not with a soul mate

The point i want to focus on is humans are imperfect, but we still want the ideal. Some people accept that their spouses-

Glance at other ladies/men
Flirt
Have jobs that separate them
Have fantasies

Etc. however, how a spouse can accept these things is entirely up to you. But I have a serious suggestion-

I recommend approaching him for a commitment

That he never has sexual relations with another person again
That he attends with you a professional so they can teach us how to fully fulfill you both
That he seeks treatment to eliminate the porn watching
That he gives you time to recover and he seeks ways to restore trust. Eg remove all porn from the house.

I think you can succeed. I think he's worth your heart. I think you have his heart.

"Sometimes the scratches of the bigger picture are hidden by distance..."

Reply anytime

TonyWK

Re: Support for a sex addiction partner

Destroyedlove — Wed, 15 Jul 2026 08:04:02 GMT

Thank you for your kind response.

I can see his is trying to help himself.
I am seeing the same therapist tomorrow but if I don’t feel I am leaving with any support/extra insight then I will look elsewhere.

I have been trying to get outside each day with the kids and my siblings and parents have been helping where they can. Unfortunately having them stay with someone for a few days is not an option. We don’t fight in front of them and wait til after bedtime before we have marathon conversations because I am scared I will repeat what I witnessed as a child.
They can sense something is not right though and their emotions are just as rampart as mine - which is making me more upset because I know I am failing them.

Re: Support for a sex addiction partner

Destroyedlove — Wed, 15 Jul 2026 08:23:50 GMT

Hi Tony,

Thank you for the response and recruiting your wife for a female perspective.

It being paid and not emotional is giving me mixed emotions.
On one front I keep telling myself an emotion would solidify that he is capable of falling in love with someone else whilst claiming to be in love with me.
And on the other end, paid sex and porn seems like some type of instant gratification, no commitment, no rejection, a stress releif. But this also comes with planning, lying, hiding, use of our finances ect.
I have known of porn use our whole marriage and it has come up at times, although I was never aware of it being daily. I didn’t know it was his go too when stressed, bored, lonely, tired. I never also expressed clear boundaries until late last year.

It is clear he has an addiction and I know 2 things can be true at once - he can love me and still hurt me when choosing his addiction. I grew up in an addiction household, so I unfortunately know first hand this is true no matter how personal it can feel.
But the lies for weeks making me feel like I am going crazy is what has completely shaken me to the core. I don’t think I could ever accept what he has done, but I know for sure I would not be feeling this deeply hurt if he had just owned it from the first conversation.

He has reached out to a sex therapist and also looked into the 12 step program. I can see he is trying and I keep trying to remind myself of this daily, but the lies have completely rattled me and I just question if this is all just an ask too, to keep us around.

He has promised he won’t allow any urges to let him walk into another establishment (although his promises feel empty at this point)

He suggested a councillor and we did go once but he did not like the man. I am going to try find another.
He goes to therapy already but has reached out to a specialised one for more direct solutions.
He has put one blocker on his phone, although I know he can easily get around that or use his laptop or old phone ect. I am still trying to eliminate it more but feel like a crazy controlling mother.

I would love for this to be a happy ending. For our sake and for the children’s. I need to keep off online because the positives are very hard to come by with this.

Re: Support for a sex addiction partner

white knight — Wed, 15 Jul 2026 08:45:09 GMT

Hi DL

I think you might be amazed how some things in this dispute can be turned around but it will depend upon his effort and from what you say, his effort is at the maximum, more than I've ever witnessed in my 13 years here in terms of proactiveness.

You position is one that doesnt demand a short length of time to resolve (unlike an affair). You can take all the time you need and often discuss any progress you make. Total honesty is a must and if that is broken then I'd say, sure, it's likely you'll not get a fully honest husband again. But forgiveness, as I mentioned is up to you, has some really special qualities if you can bring yourself to do so. What could be counter productive is for both of you to do all the hard work only for you not to ultimately forgive so the importance of having a distant goal of total forgiveness is a good goal to possess. If you can get to that point of decision and tell him at a loving time that you do have the capacity to forgive him one day, then he knows he has a chance to remain loyal and keep himself within the boundaries. If not then he runs the risk of being proactive only to, in the future, be rejected. I'd like to see that there is hope and desire for a future. At this time not but as mentioned, give yourself lots of time.

TonyWK

Re: Support for a sex addiction partner

indigo22 — Wed, 15 Jul 2026 09:27:04 GMT

Hi again,

I think you are doing a wonderful job with your children, keeping the peace when they are awake and having discussions when they are asleep. You are not failing them at all.

The only thing I would suggest is that we can underestimate our children's ability to understand adult themes. I am not suggesting that they need to know the details of what is making you on edge, just to let them know that you have found yourself in a position where you are trying to sort out a complex emotional issue and you are doing your best to resolve it and seeking help to do so. This teaches them that it is ok to ask for help when things get complicated and helps them know that it has nothing to do with them. Kids are so sensitive to the energy around them even when you are trying to shield them from it, letting them know that this is not something they need to worry about will help them emotionally.

I hope things go better for you with the psychologist, and it is also ok to speak up if you don't feel their approach is helpful to you and ask if they have another approach to offer.

If you feel like sharing, let me know how it goes.

Thinking of you,

indigo 💜