topic Re: Trying to end long-term therapy (and freaking out) in PTSD and trauma

Trying to end long-term therapy (and freaking out)

honey-gallop — Sun, 01 Feb 2026 05:59:43 GMT

I'm turning 40 this year and have been seeing my psychologist, R, for around 10 years, starting shortly after a BPD diagnosis. When I began therapy, I was often in crisis, struggling with self-harm and substance use, and had several hospitalisations. Over time I made significant progress: my last hospitalisation was 5 years ago, I'm now married, have moved cities, and work in a senior role.

A turning point was being diagnosed with ADHD at 35 and starting treatment, which helped me understand myself in a new way. This possibility hadn’t been raised by R, who questioned the diagnosis. Not long after, my psychiatrist revised my diagnosis from BPD to CPTSD.

I'm stable now, but some long-standing patterns haven’t shifted. I'm hypervigilant in all relationships, constantly monitoring myself and others, and struggle to trust that situations - or my own reactions - are "ok" without reassurance. I take on too much responsibility for other people's feelings, and when I feel hurt or angry, I tend to turn it inward as guilt or shame. These issues have persisted over the last few years, no matter how much R and I talked about them.

After a lot of reflection, I emailed R to say our next session would be my last. I explained that I wanted to try EMDR, which my psychiatrist had recommended a year earlier, and that I thought letting her know in advance would allow us to talk it through properly. I expressed gratitude for the help she’d given me.

During the session, I explained why I'd decided to end therapy. R suggested that emailing ahead reflected avoidance of emotional situations, implied I’d tried to make the ending "neat and tidy" for myself, and asked why I hadn't raised my concerns about progress earlier. She also suggested I hadn't considered her emotional response.

I said that it didn’t occur to me to suggest another approach because I saw that as the clinician's role, and that blurred boundaries are really distressing for me as I rely on them to act "correctly". I felt intense guilt, like I'd done something very wrong.

R then described feeling like "my mum" and emphasised the emotional significance of our relationship. By the end, I was distraught and apologising repeatedly. She reframed the situation as neither right nor wrong and encouraged me to keep on for a few more sessions "to honour our therapy". I left feeling devastated.

I feel like R used my weaknesses against me, but I feel so unsure. I don't want to go back, but I feel pressured to return. Thoughts? 😞

Re: Trying to end long-term therapy (and freaking out)

indigo22 — Sun, 01 Feb 2026 07:10:17 GMT

Hi,

Welcome to the forums and thank you for reaching out to us.

I am so glad to hear you have made progress over the years with R, but I can understand that things are very unsettled for you since your last appointment.

I am surprised at R for some of the things said to you during that session, but I would prefer not to give you advice on this occasion because I know of another long term member here, Eagle Ray, who could give you much better advice since she also deals with cptsd. I am sure she will spot your post soon, but if not I will give her a heads up to have a chat with you. I really just wanted to let you know that I am glad you found your way here and that you will be understood and supported.

Thinking of you with care,

indigo

Re: Trying to end long-term therapy (and freaking out)

Eagle Ray — Sun, 01 Feb 2026 07:28:00 GMT

Dear Guest,

Welcome and thank you for reaching out here. It takes courage to do that.

From what you describe I do feel a bit concerned about how R responded to your intention to end therapy. Firstly, her statement that your email was avoidance-based is her inference, not fact. It actually makes sense to me to email something like that ahead of time, giving the therapist a heads up about what you are thinking, feeling and planning. It may well have felt safer for you as well with the CPTSD background, by reducing the intensity of the pressure of having to explain it all in session. I also have CPTSD and have emailed my therapist ahead of time when I’ve felt the need to explain something, which is connected with the fact I have a lot of trauma-related dissociation and I can become easily lost in session, so it can help me at times to communicate ahead of time when I’m experiencing clarity.

But what I find most concerning is her stating that you hadn’t considered her emotional response. She should be well aware, with your CPTSD history, that just saying that to you is likely to elicit feelings of guilt and shame and you potentially feeling emotionally responsible for her (which you are not). The first therapist I ever saw did a guilt/shame thing with me (too long a story to explain here), but like you I was left feeling like I’d done something terribly wrong to her (which I absolutely hadn’t). I tried further contact with her but nothing improved and I disengaged completely. The proof of her inappropriateness came when she later repeatedly visited my workplace, even inserting herself between myself and customers I was assisting, to get my attention and try to have chummy chit chat with me. It got really uncomfortable and I had to become distant and standoffish with her to send her the message to leave me alone. It was by then I realised there had been an unhealthy trauma bond with her. She had provided some meaningful help and support to a degree, but something was definitely wrong in the therapeutic relationship, there had been a lack of progress for sometime, and I realised she had been using me to get her needs met.

I guess my concern in your case is whether your therapist has formed an attachment with you that is not entirely healthy. It’s normal for therapists to feel attachment to their client so it’s understandable if she feels sad about things possibly coming to an end, but she should absolutely not be guilt tripping you into continuing with her because of her emotional issues. What I can suggest is calling the Blue Knot Foundation on 1300 657 380. They specialise in complex trauma. You can explain to them what you have here and see what their thoughts are.

Basically very clear boundaries and ethical conduct are especially important with CPTSD because those of us who have it have a history of inappropriate boundary violations. I would tend to trust your gut instinct, so if you really don’t want to go back you should honour that. One thing my current therapist suggested when making decisions is imagining making one or the other decision, and each time listening in to how the body responds. If there is a sense of relief and clarity going one way, versus feelings of discomfort, pain and resistance going the other, it becomes clear where your intuition wants to go.

Sometimes a particular person has helped us on part of our journey but may have reached the limits of what they can do to support us. Perhaps you were sensing this and this has contributed to your feelings of wanting to move on? You could try addressing things directly with R and explain how it’s left you feeling pressured. If she responds defensively or in a critical way of you, that’s further evidence she is not coming from the right place. A responsible therapist will listen to how they are impacting a client and seek to repair any loss of trust or sense of safety with the client. It does sound like your therapist became a bit emotionally dysregulated by your decision to leave and couldn’t manage it and tried to put some of that back on you. That’s not ok if that’s the dynamic.

I do think it may be helpful to get some other perspectives on your therapy situation. As well as calling Blue Knot, you could try calling the Beyond Blue helpline too. I find when things feel confusing like that getting other perspectives can be helpful, grounding and balancing.

Re: Trying to end long-term therapy (and freaking out)

Eagle Ray — Sun, 01 Feb 2026 07:38:57 GMT

P.S. I just thought I’d mention something about EMDR that wouldn’t fit in the word count of the last post.

With the EMDR and CPTSD, I would just make sure that the therapist you work with knows how to modify EMDR for CPTSD (as opposed straight PTSD). I had EMDR done without the appropriate modifications and it caused a lot of harm. A lot of my trauma is preverbal and precognitive plus I am very dissociative, so that had a lot to do with it with me. You may be different, but I just wanted to suggest to take care with that. There is something called Attached-informed EMDR which might be worth looking into. It’s important to go very gently with it, do lots of resourcing beforehand, take great care at selecting target memories to work with and know you have supports in place if you do have any adverse effects. There is also a new therapy called Deep Brain Reorienting which I’m a bit interested in at present because it works on preverbal and precognitive trauma and is gentler than EMDR, just in case that’s of interest. I’ve also got a lot of help from a method called Somatic Experiencing. But all of these things are quite personal so it’s important to throughly do your own research and absolutely look for practitioners you feel safe and comfortable with, as I’ve found the therapist relationship is even more important than the modality used. Take care.

Re: Trying to end long-term therapy (and freaking out)

honey-gallop — Tue, 03 Feb 2026 22:37:59 GMT

Thank you for your warm reply - I really appreciate it!

Re: Trying to end long-term therapy (and freaking out)

honey-gallop — Tue, 03 Feb 2026 23:23:57 GMT

Thank you so much for your thoughtful reply - I really appreciate you taking the time. I'm working up the courage to give the Blue Knot Foundation a call.

I realised R and I had stopped making progress in the work we were doing together a year or two ago, but I hadn't mentioned it to her. It never occurred to me that I should. I just thought our therapeutic relationship had reached its natural conclusion, and that it was time for me to move on to something new - something my psychiatrist had recommended would be significantly more helpful for me.

Honestly, I thought sending an email ahead of our session was a respectful and sensitive thing to do, and I chose to do it because we'd been seeing each other for so long. I thought it would allow us both to prepare ourselves, emotionally and practically. At one point, she said, "Did you expect me to read your email while I was on my holiday and have to process it myself?" I responded in what I thought was a calm, neutral tone, saying no, that I'd assumed she had separate professional/personal email accounts, so I thought she'd see it a week before our session i.e., when she started back at work. I can't remember exactly what she said in response to this, but the way she responded made me feel as if I'd been inappropriately defensive. I found it extremely confusing, and I think that was when I started really doubting myself.

At this point, I'm terrified to see R again, because I don't feel emotionally safe with her any longer - but I'm equally terrified to cancel our sessions for fear of disappointing her, or being judged or criticised. I feel like I've been put in an impossible position, and I'm devastated.

Re: Trying to end long-term therapy (and freaking out)

indigo22 — Wed, 04 Feb 2026 02:08:22 GMT

Hi honey-gallop,

I honestly feel you are being manipulated by R and what has been healed is being undone by this. If you can find the strength and courage (and I know you can), cancel your appointments and allow yourself to return to a more calm state. Seeing a counsellor is supposed to help you, what is happening now is harming you. Put your own needs first, R will just have to find a way to deal with it.

Just my opinion with your best interest at heart.

indigo 🌹

Re: Trying to end long-term therapy (and freaking out)

Eagle Ray — Wed, 04 Feb 2026 06:36:30 GMT

Dear honey-gallop,

Sending the email ahead of your session was exactly as you say - a respectful and sensitive thing to do. Your therapist's response about reading it on her holiday is a major red flag. It is clearly emotionally reactive from her and based on her own issues. You have not done anything wrong whatsoever and are the one who is acting ethically and responsibly. I personally would advise discontinuing seeing her as she is clearly unable to regulate and manage herself appropriately.

One of the other red flags to me was her referring to herself as being like your mum and using that in a kind of emotionally manipulative way. The first therapist I went to with a similar dynamic told me in only my second session with her that I should think of her as a "kind of mother". In my first session with her she asked at the end if she thought we were a good fit and I said something like "I think so", not really sure what to say so early in the process. She then said, in a very deliberate, emphatic voice, "I think we are". It was only much later, when everything went really pear-shaped and she had a rage reaction, that I realised I had been in a coercive, trauma-bonded relationship the whole time. It was also the reason the therapy had stopped progressing a long time ago.

I just mention those things because the way your therapist is reacting is showing similar patterns of unprofessional conduct and emotional reactivity, including projecting her discomfort and unhappiness onto you. She is essentially blaming you for her bad feelings, which you are in no way responsible for. As indigo states, R needs to find her own way of dealing with her emotions, and you do not need to respond to any expectations or demands from her to continue therapy with her.

What I found was that I had to go through a kind of shock and grieving when I realised the true nature of that first therapist I saw, so I know it can be disillusioning and disorienting when someone you have trusted for an extended period of time turns out to be not quite who you thought they were. So it's really important to go gently and kindly with yourself. Like you I actually felt devastated. It hit me like a tornado actually because it was like having a rug pulled out from under me. I think the reason is that when we have CPTSD trust is such a difficult thing, and it's often a therapist who we finally learn to trust. If that person then injures us by acting in ways that damage our sense of safety, it is really hard to deal with in the beginning. But I did gradually heal from that experience and I have found since that more ethical therapists do exist who are caring without those kinds of inappropriate dynamics.

I really feel for you right now as I remember how terrible I felt and how it triggered my trauma issues around safety. It may be helpful to speak to someone at Blue Knot as firstly, they know CPTSD, and secondly, they will be able to give you a clear-headed perspective on the situation that R clearly is not able to provide at present. You really need some stable, grounded input. At Blue Knot they are focussed on safety and stabilisation, so they can work with you to feel better about the situation and feel more resourced within yourself to manage things. There can be a bit of a long wait in the phone queue calling them these days as they are in demand, so just a heads up. You can also leave a phone message and they will call back in 48-72 hours if you don't want to wait.

Also, there will no doubt be some really good things you gained in your time with R and you likely went on quite a journey with her over the years. So that still has value and you can take those positives and hold onto them. But it does sound like your intuition to move on is correct and I'm sorry you've had to deal with the response you got from her. It sounds like you've outgrown her and that a new direction and new approaches would be helpful.

Take care and sending you a comforting hug,

Eagle Ray