topic Re: cptsd and fear in PTSD and trauma

cptsd and fear

user — Thu, 11 Apr 2024 13:43:22 GMT

so i have cptsd and i wanna know if anyone else is living like this. i feel like no one is gonna reply but i am desperate. i am fearful and scared all the time. like fearful for my life all day and all life. i am no longer in 'danger' and do not still live with my abusers but I still feel like I am unsafe. Its like being fearful of everything around me at all times. like even if no one is there, I am still looking behind me and chekcinhg everything all the time because I am scared. i also get really bad physical symptoms of the trauma, like vomiting and difficulty breathing. it is not just from time to time my heart is racing and i am scared - it is all the time. It does get worse when i have flashbacks etc but my constant state is fear. How am I supposed to live like this? is this just part of cptsd?

Re: cptsd and fear

Eagle Ray — Sun, 14 Apr 2024 04:26:32 GMT

Hi user,

Yes, I understand the constant fear. It took me a long time to even realise I was in constant fear because it’s all I had known since the beginning of life. I have always been scared to ask for things in shops or basically for help anywhere, scared if people come close to me in public, scared that people may suddenly become aggressive etc. In the past couple of years I’ve worked with a good trauma-informed therapist and it has definitely helped. We have done somatic processing work of particular traumas focussed on starting with the body and that has worked much better for me than focussing on the mind first, as my trauma is deeply precognitive and non-verbal, if that makes sense. By working with a therapist who is safe, trustworthy and can hold space for those things I have begun to make shifts in my level of fear. A lot of this is learning processes of co-regulation with a safe person who is present with you (what those of us with CPTSD often missed out on as a child). I am then able to start extending this sense of safety a bit out into the world with others. It’s a gradual learning curve. But my body had to feel safe first and do some processing before I could even start to mentally understand and process things. In only my second session with her we processed a particular event that was traumatic for me using a method called somatic experiencing. After that severe breathing difficulties and panic attacks I’d been having began to resolve. I still fall in holes from time to time and get fear attacks, but I am improving overall.

What you describe is really typical in CPTSD. Have you been able to find any therapeutic support? If you can find a good trauma-informed therapist you can get a referral from a GP for up to 10 sessions with a Medicare rebate. If your GP is knowledgeable they may be able to refer you to someone. It is important to find a with a therapist you feel comfortable with. I have found The Blue Knot Foundation really helpful. They deal with CPTSD in particular and have counsellors you can speak to for 45 minutes per week. Sometimes sessions are limited to 30 minutes when busy. Their number is 1300 657 380 from 9-5 daily (eastern states time) and it is free. They may be a helpful resource for you if you get trauma activated and need some support. They focus on safety and stabilisation and really get the kind of trauma symptoms you describe.

Another helpful resource might by psychotherapist Pete Walker who has a website and book focussed on CPTSD. If you look up his website you will see a list of resources on the left including ways of managing flashbacks among other things.

Hope you can feel at least a bit hopeful that things can change and you will not necessarily be so stuck in fear forever. I have found it is an ongoing process working through these things but it is worth it and rewarding when you can see improvements over time.

Take good care and I hope you can find some supports that work well for you. Happy to chat further if it helps,

Re: cptsd and fear

Trans22 — Tue, 16 Apr 2024 02:37:42 GMT

I've had psychiatrists say that I've suffered a lot of (mostly childhood) trauma but they've all avoided using "complex trauma" or "CPTSD". Other mental health professionals haven't been as cautious in relation to my situation. Hypervigilance is one of the well documented (complex) trauma responses - for me it's related to lacking trust in other people. Most of my fears come in the form of nightmares that mean I rarely get a decent night of sleep. A person's mental health will affect their physical health, eventually. Ring 000 if your vomiting doesn't ease up - it can lead to severe dehydration (I've been there). Ring 000 if you are having difficulty breathing or your heart is racing - paramedics and ED doctors take both very seriously (based on personal experiences). Don't let the person/people who inflicted the trauma on you win, continue to live in spite of them.

Re: cptsd and fear

hello_mae — Thu, 18 Apr 2024 12:30:16 GMT

i have cptsd too and completely get this.

something i found helpful was creating space for the inquisitive parts of me to learn about what happens to the bodymind, and being able to teach that to other parts.

the human memory (the storage of every nanosecond of experience since we were born) is mostly subconscious implicit memory, which is wordless and associated with how we feel (sensory, emotions, somatics) and move. Explicit memory (e.g. "I went to this place yesterday and it was fun.") is about communicating and making sense of things to ourselves and others, but implicit memory, which is what aids in creating your current experiences, is about automatically projecting to help us navigate present and potential moments. A lot of the time, it's really helpful - coming face to face with a door and knowing both what it is and how to navigate the situation (do you knock? turn the doorknob to open it?) is a really common example of our implicit memory at work - but when we've experienced trauma and unfulfilled attachment needs, it can lead to a lot of health issues. it learned such extreme survival responses, which are brilliant and what kept us alive!!!, but it doesn't understand that we're safe enough now.

all this to say, yes, it's a normal part of cptsd, and as you learn to live with it over the years, it may change in ways you never could've imagined.

in terms of a practical "how am i supposed to live like this?", some things i've utilised (i've been actively healing since late 2020) have been:

learning about and practising dbt skills (i've personally found the dbt workbook by sonny jane wise to be much better than others because it actively accepts neurodivergences)
using an app like "finch" so i had an external motivation for looking after myself and learning healthier skills well before my internal motivation could develop
practising janina fisher's "five steps to unblending" and providing these parts of me with what they need and (safely, morally, reasonably) want. with me, for fear, that's included creating time and space for rest and relaxation, and buying things that are soothing for my senses, such as a scented lotion or soft blanket

i hope you don't mind me saying, but i'm really proud of you. reaching out is so hard with such intense fear, and you did it. i hope you can feel proud of yourself too.

Re: cptsd and fear

Grimfeelings — Tue, 24 Sep 2024 11:12:14 GMT

I am afraid all the time, some times panic attacks but mostly a constant fear of the worse things occurring in any situation.

I feel you.

Its terrible. Recently the constant fear has really started to mess with my life.

I hope we both can feel safe soon

Re: cptsd and fear

Grimfeelings — Tue, 24 Sep 2024 11:14:46 GMT

Thanks for this, I also need those resources.

Re: cptsd and fear

Grimfeelings — Tue, 24 Sep 2024 11:34:36 GMT

Wow thanks for these resources, i am in need of them also

Re: cptsd and fear

Eagle Ray — Tue, 24 Sep 2024 13:22:26 GMT

Hello Grimfeelings, hello_mae, Trans22 and user,

Grimfeelings, I have found sometimes it gets a bit worse before it gets better. It’s like fears are trying to work their way out and be resolved. I’ve found too if I’ve been in a chronic fear state, by body passes through fight-or-flight before rebalancing and that can bring up a lot of fear. I think the important thing is if you can be held in that place of fear, such as with a good therapist, it can help the fears to resolve and the bodymind to know it’s safe. I think what can be so hard with C-PTSD is we may not have really known safety in the past, so the bodymind is trying to even know what that is. I’ve had a few glimpses of it over the past couple of years, so I know now it is possible to not be so constantly impacted by fear and that it is possible to breathe easy, so to speak.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts and resources too Trans22 and hello_mae. Somehow I think I missed these posts before and just seeing them now. It helps me to hear different people’s experiences and strategies.

Sending you all much love and support,

Eagle Ray

Re: cptsd and fear

user — Thu, 26 Sep 2024 13:12:25 GMT

hi Eagle Ray. i have only just gotten to reply to your previous post and now this one. thank you so much for your response, i really feel heard. you seem to know a lot about this sort of thing so thanks for sharing.

Re: cptsd and fear

user — Thu, 26 Sep 2024 13:14:19 GMT

thanks for replying. at least we can find some comfort in knowing that we both feel this way. i really hope we both feel okay soon.

Re: cptsd and fear

GimZim — Sun, 29 Sep 2024 10:07:19 GMT

The physical symptoms are what I've struggled so much with, I get pretty intense panic and nausea/stomach upset when triggered.

Re: cptsd and fear

Grimfeelings — Mon, 30 Sep 2024 05:26:14 GMT

The physical feelings suck so bad. Feeling like your going to shit yourself really doesn't help dealing with the sense of impending doom.

Re: cptsd and fear

Grimfeelings — Mon, 30 Sep 2024 05:31:02 GMT

Ive been to afraid to leave my room for about two months now. Afraid ill overreact to something, because i find it hard to process my surroundings and over the years i learnt that violence and agression can keep me safe from abuse. I havent been violent since iwas a teen, but i am still terrified ill have to fight for my life, all the time.

Tomorrow and the next day i have to leave the house and go to public places and pretend to be normal

Wish me luck

Re: cptsd and fear

Grimfeelings — Mon, 30 Sep 2024 05:32:39 GMT

Thanks

Re: cptsd and fear

Eagle Ray — Mon, 30 Sep 2024 07:06:14 GMT

Hi Grimfeelings, GimZim, user and everyone,

I can relate and spent large parts of last year frozen in my home, immobile for long periods. One thing that can sometimes help is drawing on a memory of somewhere that does feel safe. For me that is always somewhere in nature. I don’t know whether you have somewhere like that? I just find having the memory of such a place can help my body calm a little when I know I do have to go to public places. I try to recall and allow that more peaceful feeling to be there.

Right now I’m on the upper reaches of a river, by myself as usual. It is peaceful here and I notice it always makes me feel better. It always stresses me somewhat encountering other people yet I mask and be friendly if they are the kind to say hello.

All I can say is I think things can get slowly easier. I think they have for me when I look back to what I used to be like as a younger adult and was terrified to ask for something in a shop, so much so I often wouldn’t do it even though I might have really needed that something.

So just want to say I understand even though I don’t know all the answers and still working my way through fears. I think small amounts of exposure to things that feel stressful and having some good experiences (or at least neutral ones) helps to ease the nervous system into more of a sense of safety. The body begins to know and understand safety is possible.

Actually, just now after I started typing this on my phone a man and woman came along. His sister is visiting from overseas and he said this is his favourite peaceful spot and he asked if they could sit down on the bench here with me. So I said ok. They turned out to be really nice, gentle people and we had a chat. At the end he said thanks for sharing your time with us. So maybe this is a case in point, that people can be safe. My body automatically recoils with fear - always. But I made myself stay in the situation and nothing bad happened, only a friendly, peaceful chat. I don’t know if writing this helps, but just sharing it in case it does.

Now the people are gone my body relaxes more, but they were actually really nice people. I hope one day my body won’t automatically go into fear. It’s back to the birds now, the hum of insects and a rooster crowing across the river. As usual animals are fine and always actually help me to feel safe.

Grimfeelings I really wish you luck for tomorrow and I’m with you in spirit. Sending you and everyone else here support,

Re: cptsd and fear

Megs14 — Wed, 30 Oct 2024 06:42:15 GMT

I just stumbled upon this post after needing some extra support myself.y

body is sending me into spirals of anxiety, self hate and fear and it’s so good damn hard. I’ve been living with CPtsd for years and was diagnosed a few years back and when the pandemic hit I was half way through my recovery and then got thrown back a few steps because of the isolation. I struggle with social anxiety and today I’m here because I’m feeling overwhelmed with life. Everything is falling apart - I’m at risk of losing my job as the company I work for has gone into receivership - Christmas is a big trigger for me and that’s coming up and in the meantime I’m having to look for a job whilst balancing a super stressful busy job - my son is having problems with eating because he had a choking episode and he’s already anxious so this has just added to it. When will it end? I just want some peace. So reading all these comments has been a small comfort to me knowing I’m not alone. The feelings are there but I just need to learn that it’s not from the now it’s from the past and I don’t need protection anymore as I’m safe.

Re: cptsd and fear

Eagle Ray — Wed, 30 Oct 2024 10:03:09 GMT

Hello Megs14,

I hear you. I know it’s so difficult with all of those things - anxiety fear, self-hate etc that was put into us in childhood. I’m so sorry you have the worries with your job. I hope it works out ok. I hope your son’s anxiety eases soon too.

I’ve been going through the slow process of beginning to sense what safety is. I have found working with a good psychologist helps. Sometimes that’s the beginning of trust. I’m learning to see how much I have struggled to feel safe and that I can actually let go in this moment now. But I can habitually re-attach to fear because I was wired that way from the start. But the knots of fear are beginning to unravel even though it’s such a challenge at times.

Do you have any external supports at all? I have found a couple of key friends have really been helpful where there is a genuine, healthy friendship. I feel my nervous system calm down and know safety in their presence. I try to remember instances of safe feelings at times where my nervous system is fearful again.

Wishing you much peace and I hope all goes well for you and your son in the near future.

Take care,

Eagle Ray

Re: cptsd and fear

Megs14 — Wed, 30 Oct 2024 21:08:43 GMT

Thank you for the reply, I have a couple close friends but we don’t see each other much and I struggle to meet up because of my social anxiety. I had an awful night last night and didn’t sleep - very agitated. I often wonder if I’m ever going to get better because I feel stuck right now and I’m just so sick of this disease. I worry I will need to be put into hospital and lose everything. My OH does his best to understand but it’s been happening so often that he gets frustrated and makes me feel worse. I try everything to get better and I feel defeated when it hits me like this. Life is so unfair.

Re: cptsd and fear

Eagle Ray — Wed, 30 Oct 2024 22:58:51 GMT

Hi Megs14,

Are you getting any therapeutic help at all? I'm guessing you have at some point if diagnosed with c-ptsd. I have been doing somatic work that works through the body which I find does more to shift things than talk therapy alone. One of the approaches is Somatic Experiencing developed by Peter Levine who himself had complex trauma experiences from the beginning of life, so he gets it from the inside out. I'm also getting a lot of help from the approach of the therapist Mark Wolynn who wrote a book called It Didn't Start With You looking at inherited family trauma.

With both of these approaches it is not viewing what we have so much as a disease, but that our symptoms are meaningful communications from the body. So the fear is trying to communicate something and our body is also actually doing its best to make us safe, even if the original threats that led to non-safety are no longer there. My psychologist works with these kinds of approaches with me and it is very much working with the body and allowing the body to speak. In the presence of an empathetic therapist this allowing the body to speak often leads to the beginning of the resolution of trauma states.

For me it is an ongoing process because of a multitude of different kinds of traumatic experiences over a long period of time. But I have made significant progress, everything from severe breathing difficulties alleviating to being less self-punishing than I was constantly before. The body wants to organically heal but sometimes just needs the right conditions for that to unfold. I've recently had severe histamine intolerance symptoms and a session with my psychologist yesterday seems to have uncovered internal conflicts within me linked with past experiences that are part of the mechanism in my body whereby those symptoms are getting triggered. I have some indication of how to go forward now, whereas before I was just debilitated by symptoms.

So something like the agitation you were experiencing last night can be viewed as a communication from the body, something to read and try to understand what it's saying. I think we naturally try to push those experiences down and want them to just go away. But sometimes when we just sit gently present with our fear we start to understand it and the fear itself starts to release somewhat.

It's likely with the extra stress you have at the moment that that is making the fear and agitation more intense. I think with c-ptsd our bodies ramp up in more drastic ways than other people under stressful conditions. But just understanding that your body is trying help and protect you can help.

There is something call myofascial unwinding which is another body-centred approach I find helpful. It is allowing the body to move in space any way it wants to without directing it with any kind of thoughts. It's just letting the body release and express what it needs to. It often leads to the body stretching in various ways. It's something animals do naturally but us humans have become really disconnected from. So much tension is stored in the fascia with trauma so it can be a way of beginning to release that. I don't know if something like that may help when you are experiencing agitation? You might begin to sense and feel into what your body needs to do to start feeling better and more at peace.

Take good care,

Re: cptsd and fear

Megs14 — Sun, 03 Nov 2024 06:35:38 GMT

Yes I do have a therapist who specialises in trauma and we do a lot of different types of processing. This week we did emdr and used essential oils to do breathing exercises included alternate nose breathing.

I have CPtsd yes and I too also have suffered with histamine intolerance and overcome it with diet changes and elimination diets.

I have done a lot of personal work with a naturopath and integrative gp. They are the team that diagnosed me with cptsd.

This was after 3 years working on my body holistically because of the anxiety I was experiencing at the time - I had a breakdown 5 years ago after the death of a close member of my family.
I know a lot about my recovery and the reasons why things happen as I’ve educated myself about everything.
I also have thyroid disorder which can also be linked to CPtsd.

I really appreciate your support - I’m still working on myself this week but talking about it helps.

i have changes happening again so my anxiety is ramped up but I’m sitting with it and trying not to react in fear.
I will get there.