topic Re: How Do You Deal with a Nasty Person? TRIGGER WARNING in PTSD and trauma

How Do You Deal with a Nasty Person? TRIGGER WARNING

Fiatlux — Tue, 23 Apr 2024 09:53:15 GMT

Hi lovely people,

Some of you here may have followed some of my earlier posts, but I have complex PTSD from years of domestic violence and abuse from my current husband. My anxiety levels are very high right now.

Leaving my current living arrangements isn’t an option at the moment or this time in my life. I am 56 and still need to work and somehow run a business with my narcissistic husband.

Lately, he is becoming more and more vile and nasty with his words and taunts.

He knows how damaged my self esteem and self worth is and he is the cause of this.

I try to be civil and reasonable in living under the same roof but he’s getting more and more angry and hostile to the point of yelling at me to move out if I don’t like IT. He has yelled at me several times and lately in front of our sons, aged 27 and 29.

HE knows that since giving up my apartment in 2022, I have nowhere to move out to. I don’t have any friends or family contacts or support. Not even a friend to talk to about this. I can’t keep burdening my sons with this.

I am scared that he is pushing me to the brink once again. I have come very close to ending my life several times but I can’t do that to my children. I want to live and enjoy watching them grow and hopefully have their own children one day.

He’s making me feel like I just want to end it all. Just abandon this life as it’s not ever going to be good. I will always have this trauma to haunt me forever.

Thank you for being here and listening. Fiatlux 🙏🏼

Re: How Do You Deal with a Nasty Person? TRIGGER WARNING

white knight — Wed, 24 Apr 2024 01:25:26 GMT

Hi again,

I have an ex wife, mother to our two daughters. After 11 years of marriage in 1996 her abuse had effected me so much that I made an attempt. My father - deceased at the time once said "better a good part time dad than no dad at all" and those words helped save me but it was the worst day of my life... 7 days later I left the family home and much damage done with my kids 7 and 4yo and lost my full time fatherhood. I had to keep working to ensure child support would pave the way for my kids to have a good life and I built my own home and improved myself.

But the fallout was huge and I decided then and still believe today that when suicidal one should try everything within your power to save yourself. If it meant hitch hiking to the outback and getting a job there so be it, moving into a caravan park? so be it... and so on. There is just no justification to remain in a bullying household for any other reason.... yes, even a reason of business. That might not sit with you well, but IMO moving out and seeking a family law solicitor is an advancement whereby you dont only save yourself but you begin to rebuild your character and self esteem.

I have a post below that you can read to assist you with this topic.

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/when-all-is-lost-what-can-you-do-be-radical/td-p/47450

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/narcissism/td-p/334484

Reply anytime as usual

TonyWK

Re: How Do You Deal with a Nasty Person? TRIGGER WARNING

Fiatlux — Wed, 24 Apr 2024 02:23:52 GMT

Thanks Tony,

The saying that I love my children more than life itself is so very true.

Fiatlux 🙏🏼

Re: How Do You Deal with a Nasty Person? TRIGGER WARNING

Fiatlux — Wed, 24 Apr 2024 08:22:02 GMT

Hi Tony,

I really appreciate your reply.

My awful fate was sealed in 1987, so we weren’t too far apart.

My marriage although not arranged was definitely forced upon me. I had just turned 19 and was desperate to get out and stop it. My mother was adamant that I had to go through with it and again to never tell my father about the abuse I had been subjected to by this man. I was a child, he a 25 year old man who abused me and manipulated me in the most horrific ways. Yeah, his acts were definitely illegal and jailable offences.

My mother is a Narcissist but I didn’t have a name for it growing up. I suspect that my older sister also has narcissistic traits. My older sister who was married and divorced by age 21, introduced me to this guy who she was infatuated with. I didn’t really like him from the start but I went along with it. I was 17 years old at that time. Still at school and everyone else thought how cool that I had a 23 year old boyfriend. It turns my stomach just thinking back to then. I never ever liked him. But he was so sweet and charming around my family. Little did they know. He threatened me all the time if I didn’t comply with his commands. He was going to tell my father that I was a little s. Which was worse than me telling my father that he had sexually abused me. Which was the actual truth. He makes my skin crawl. But it was the 1980’s and girls were always blamed. Ain’t it the truth.

I won’t go into more detail now, as I have written it all down in the past as I started to relive it again.

Have a peaceful Anzac Day and relax. Fiatlux 🙏🏼

Re: How Do You Deal with a Nasty Person? TRIGGER WARNING

white knight — Wed, 24 Apr 2024 11:40:27 GMT

You are an amazing person.

TonyWK

Re: How Do You Deal with a Nasty Person? TRIGGER WARNING

Fiatlux — Thu, 25 Apr 2024 12:08:23 GMT

Hi Tony,

After reading your experience with your own mother, something popped into my head that my mother said to me just over 20 years ago.

By 2003, my older sister and older brother had both gone through 2 divorces each. In 2003 my husband had returned from a month in Europe where he had partied and basically spent a lot of time in the company of sex workers.

Husband was leaving me and wanted a divorce. He was going to return to Europe and live the high life. Our children were 8, 6 & 5. I was relieved at the prospect of it. Except that he wouldn’t agree with me buying out his half of the house so I could at least have a roof over our heads. The Bank had valued our house lower than the mortgage over it, so selling, paying off the mortgage and splitting whatever was left over, wasn’t going to work in husband’s favour. I offered to take on the mortgage on my own. This didn’t suit him either.

In a moment of madness or misjudgment, I went to inform my parents of our impending divorce, however my father wasn’t home when I drove over there so I told my mother anyway. I didn’t want it to be a surprise to anyone when husband left.

My mother’s response was to tell me to do anything to keep my marriage together so as not to embarrass her and my father. After my siblings numerous divorces my parents looked bad in the eyes of their friends.

Her words were “why can’t you be the normal one”. She just wanted me to stay married so she would look good. As my father wasn’t home, she asked me to not say a word to my dad in case my dad would physically attack my husband and he would be in trouble with police etc. Husband was supposed to also inform his own parents so everyone was in the know. Of course he didn’t tell them of his plans, so I did. His parents barely reacted and never mentioned it to him. I couldn’t believe it.

Does my mother sound like a narcissistic parent? My father wasn’t perfect but he wasn’t irrational. Sure his other children’s divorces were hard on him as a loving parent hurts when their child is hurt.

My mother was my father’s second wife but he never ever spoke about her but he was supportive of divorce as he’d been through it himself.

Anyway, I didn’t mean to write so much but it was my mother saying, could you be the normal one, that has been playing on my mind. So here I still am, 21 years later being the normal one. 🙏🏼

Re: How Do You Deal with a Nasty Person? TRIGGER WARNING

Eagle Ray — Fri, 26 Apr 2024 14:03:20 GMT

Dear Fiatlux,

If your mother was concerned more about appearances than your well being then that is a narcissistic behaviour.

I am wondering if it would help to get a referral from your GP to see a psychologist to work through the challenges you are dealing with? 1800RESPECT may have an idea about how to begin dealing with the situation. They have info on their website too. Remember there are always the various helplines if you are struggling.

Take good care and I hope you can find some peaceful time this weekend,

Re: How Do You Deal with a Nasty Person? TRIGGER WARNING

white knight — Fri, 26 Apr 2024 15:25:24 GMT

My mother can be summed up if you google "queen witch hermit waif "

There's extracts there of the book "walking on eggshells" by Dr Chistine Lawson

TonyWK

Re: How Do You Deal with a Nasty Person? TRIGGER WARNING

Fiatlux — Sat, 27 Apr 2024 00:14:48 GMT

Thanks Tony,

I did google “queen witch hermit waif” that was interesting. I am very familiar with the book “Walking on Egg Shells “ I should start reading it again. 🙏🏼

Re: How Do You Deal with a Nasty Person? TRIGGER WARNING

Fiatlux — Sun, 28 Apr 2024 09:58:56 GMT

Learning to navigate around a demanding person can be very difficult.

Late this afternoon I was standing at the stove and preparing some finishing touches to the dinner I had been preparing this afternoon.

My husband decided that it would be a good time to interrupt me and ask me to go outside with him as he decides at 5pm that he wants to plant a yucca tree.

I couldn’t look up at him and answered that I couldn’t stop what I was doing and that he has to wait. I was roasting spices in one pan and couldn’t look away as they go from good to burnt in a matter of seconds. In the other pan I was stirring a beurre Blanc sauce which also needed constant attention.

He then raised his voice accusing me of looking at him and pulling faces? Strange as I glanced at him and tried desperately to explain why I wouldn’t stop what I was doing to attend to him.

He has a habit of doing this with everyone. His mother and our sons. He doesn’t get that he’s the demanding one, with the problem. When he wants someone, he wants it now!

He wanted me to tell him where to plant the yucca so I don’t yell at him later that’s it wrong.

He is freaking delusional now. My son has suggested to me that his father has some serious deficiency. He doesn’t appear to have any concept of space and measurements nor does he seem to know left from right. I learnt very early that he is definitely no home handyman, but anyone should be aware of how to dig a hole.

This afternoon he was looking for a sharp kitchen knife to use in the garden when we have garden tools for this. I redirected him to ask our son about the small hand saw that I have seen my son use. I few minutes later he parades past me in the kitchen proudly holding up the handsaw like he was putting on a show and waiting for applause.

I am writing this here to document his weird behaviour.

This morning he has organised a guy to come over to the house and help with preparing for hard rubbish collection. He actually expected me to thank him and congratulate him on hiring a guy to do something that most homeowners would do themselves. My husband doesn’t do anything around the house and since his father passed in 2026, we have to pay a guy to mow our nature strip as we don’t have any lawn.

Anyway at 6pm I called to him that dinner was ready if he was hungry. He emerged from the study at 6:30 after I had finished eating my dinner and looked pissed. I ignored him. It’s best that way.

Re: How Do You Deal with a Nasty Person? TRIGGER WARNING

white knight — Sun, 28 Apr 2024 11:49:24 GMT

I have a few suggestions, some as to understanding your husband and some how to reply to his needs.

Not knowing left from right can be a sign of dyslexia. My wife has it. She also confuses things. Today a sign said "Geelong keep right", she musread it as "Geelong next left" so she not only gets them mixed up she often reads them wrong. In the past we've gone 20kms in the wrong direction lol. Laugh? I do, I think it's hilarious and I cope better that way.

His demands while you are busy especially during a chore you can't leave is selfish and Inconsiderate. But this is where using wit rather than reaction might work. "I cannot leave cooking atm so in 10 minutes darling?". If he gets angry "so are you expecting me to drop my activity immediately"?

Notice how the response is in the way of a question? This is subtle enforcement of him making him answer to his unreasonable behaviour.

If it escalates "so when you are tuning the car (mowing the lawn, up a ladder etc) you will leave that task immediately upon me asking you to"?

Again, a question.

What is obvious to me here is that any spouse of his likely would be treated the same. It isn't you. Sort of "familiarity breeds contempt"

A favourite saying "I'm not in this world to live up to your expectations " can be used if he expects recognition for all good deeds. He might lack humility that wasn't taught as a youngster. His upbringing may have included expectations and so forth.

Google

Beyondblue wot- the only answer to torment

Beyondblue relationship strife, the peace pipe

TonyWK

Re: How Do You Deal with a Nasty Person? TRIGGER WARNING

Fiatlux — Mon, 29 Apr 2024 07:21:06 GMT

Thank you Tony,

My husband is fluent in 3 languages. I have worked with colleagues with dyslexia and we all managed to work together with their challenges.

He is just simply impatient, impractical, impulsive and incapable of common sense and courtesy.

In the past, He would get aggressive and violent with me for something as simple as dinner not being ready when he’s hungry.

I watched him treat his mother disrespectful and she would tell me stories of him throwing plates of food at her and smash his toys in fits of rage. She pandered to him, did his homework for him and tied his school laces even when he was a teenager.

No, there’s no way to get through to him. He admits that he has always been disrespectful towards his parent as only child, but let’s not put all spoilt brats in the same boat. He also has deceptive and criminal tendencies. He admits that he’s always hated working, so his parents did everything for him.

I should correct that his father passed away in 2016. A week before he succumbed to lung cancer, he came to our home to mow the grass. Although a heavy smoker and at times a heavy drinker, he was very polite and reasonable and respectful towards my mother in law.

He has a Jekyll and Hyde personality but those who have crossed him, have seen his evil side. People who know him have commented that he’s not a person who you would want to cross.

Have a lovely evening. Fiatlux 🙏🏼

Re: How Do You Deal with a Nasty Person? TRIGGER WARNING

therising — Thu, 02 May 2024 21:59:18 GMT

Hi Fiatlux

What you've been facing for so long is just terrible, depressing and anxiety inducing. I feel so deeply for you as you face a situation you feel you just can't get out of.

It sounds like you've been able to make a lot of sense out of why your husband behaves the way he does. Of course, making sense of a person's nature doesn't necessarily make things any easier. In you mentioning the way he was allowed to behave growing up, it leads me to think of a particular couple in my life who are currently raising their child who's now 4 years old. While it's their desire to be fairer, more encouraging open minded parents, they allow their child to satisfy his curiosity and his 'right' to explore and self advocate. I've seen this child walk over people's flower beds to get to flowers he wants to see, open other people's fridges and cupboards to look inside, have the freedom to say 'No' to just about anything he doesn't want to do and the list goes on. I never realised until I observed such behaviour from the parents and child that discipline and control (aka 'effective management') is what leads a child to develop self discipline and self control (including impulse control) on their way to becoming an adult. Being reason able or reasonable is also a skill that's developed from childhood, such as with 'The reason you can't walk on the garden is because you'll crush all the beautiful flowers that person has taken the time to plant, all those flowers they love'. Managing hearing the word 'No' is sometimes about learning to manage emotional regulation, dealing with the challenging feelings within us.

As a child grows into an adult (with all that's lacking), the result may be an adult who lacks self discipline in certain ways, self control, an inability to see reason and a lack of emotional regulation. You also get an adult who may be prone to full blown tantrums at times which allow them to get their own way. Regular full blown tantrums in an adult can be fearful, stressful, demeaning, depressing, hate fueled, abusive and even terrifying in their extreme. I suppose, in this case, it's a matter of 'How to live with someone who flat out refuses to grow up or develop in healthy and less self serving ways?'. While we could simply part ways with most people like this, it's of course far more complicated with a spouse or long term partner because legal separation's involved and division of assets (those things that become a financial resource for a new and independent life).

While I've found that it's impossible to reason with an unreasonable person (plus it's a complete waste of time and breath), it can be easy to instead appeal to their imagination and self serving nature. For example 'If I left this food to burn, imagine how it would taste. Imagine that, how horrible it would be' or 'Imagine if you found the saw, you'd never have to search high and low for it ever again. Imagine always knowing where it is in future'. Saying the following to someone is a way of gaining time to our self (aka 'being left in peace'): 'Imagine developing this or that new interest. Imagine how much you would enjoy such things. Also, imagine not having to spend as much time with me. Imagine what a relief that would be'. While some would call this manipulation, it may pay to simply call it 'Whatever works in my favour'. After years of torment and abuse, you deserve whatever works in your favour.

Re: How Do You Deal with a Nasty Person? TRIGGER WARNING

Fiatlux — Fri, 03 May 2024 04:30:49 GMT

Hey therising,

If only your friends could look into the future and see their 24 year old.

My husband found himself very lonely when I met him at age 23. None of the people who he considered friends would share a flat with him anymore.

I listened when he jokingly told me stories of living with friends in a share house. He would get up in the middle of the night and eat their food and as they were all smokers back then, steal and smoke all their cigarettes. Everyone of them who I met told me that he was the house mate from hell. Not one had any positive things to say. He thought that he was entitled to everything.

Even his closest friend and he only has 1 left because they were born a couple of days apart and moved to Australia together, still catches up with him on their birthday week, but now it’s just the 2 of them. But this friend in particular has many stories about how disrespectful he was to all.

My mother in law was amazed and proud at how polite and respectful and well mannered my children are and have always been. Just so unlike their father as a child and now as an adult.

Even today at 1pm, I told him that I was taking a short break to have a Berocca. Not 5 minutes passes and he exaggerates that I have done nothing for the last half hour.

Getting back to child raising, my children just wouldn’t ever open fridges at friends houses. The world is so much easier to navigate when they are taught to ask “may I please “ and thank you and no thank you. My children always thanked their grandmother if she did something as simple as poured them a glass of water. It was just a common courtesy. My husband has none of that.

With no much being spoken about ‘consent’ this goes for everyone and for everything.

I would say, I didn’t give you consent to open my refrigerator door and help yourself to my food. Let’s hear the parents respond to this.

Before I had my own children I had friends who did have children and 1 in particular who was so annoying that if I reprimanded politely the parents would look at each other, like how dare she!

Some people are just a lost cause but of course I am to blame for this.

He is 61 and desperate to retire. His impulsive spending throughout his life means that he doesn’t have enough retirement savings to this yet.

When I met him he would get paid on a Friday and by Monday he’d have nothing left and would be constantly borrowing from friends to get through the week. He borrowed from me all the time. That coercive control and financial control started very early in our relationship. It was always, I will pay you back but kept accumulating until we were married and it was forgotten about. Strangely he has no memory of this either.

Thank you so much for your support and response. It does get me thinking. 🙏🏼 Fiatlux

Re: How Do You Deal with a Nasty Person? TRIGGER WARNING

Fiatlux — Fri, 03 May 2024 04:48:36 GMT

Hi therising,

I just spent a half hour replying to you and somehow I lost everything and I can’t retrieve it.

if it doesn’t appear soon, I will respond to you again. Thank you for your support. Fiatlux

Re: How Do You Deal with a Nasty Person? TRIGGER WARNING

therising — Fri, 03 May 2024 09:26:01 GMT

Hi Fiatlux

While hindsight is great, it doesn't necessarily help in the moment, hey. It's kind of like with looking back over the earlier years in our relationship with our spouse and realising 'Oh, my gosh, so those things weren't quirks in my partner's nature, they were actually significant red flags. How did I not see or feel them for what they were?'. I think, as we develop greater intuition over time, our intuition can start to speak to us a little louder. So, while our original thought may have been 'He likes the exciting life. He's a big spender', intuition starts to say 'The exciting life is costly and it's going to cost you somewhere down the track. Watch out for that'. Or perhaps our original thought may have been 'It's so nice spending so much relaxing time in front of the tv together'. Eventually intuition may start to sound a little like 'He prefers to do little other than sit and watch tv together. A lack of adventure is going to change you and not for the best. Watch out for that'. I imagine you can relate to how motherhood develops our intuition over time. There's that little voice that says things like 'Make sure they've got their wallet before they go out' (so you check with them) or 'There's something about that friend of theirs that's not to be trusted' (so you stay observant) or if our child seems a little stressed or down, we can be prompted through the words that come to mind 'Check in with them, there's something wrong'. Motherhood gifts us great abilities.

I smiled when you mentioned how those parents didn't appreciate you leading their child to become more conscious. The parents I mentioned are somewhat the same, they don't appreciate it and the father will actually reprimand people on occasion for being so 'restricting' with their child. I agree with you 100% when you say if only they could look into the future. I think if a parent raises a child to feel entitled to such a large degree, they're actually in the process of raising someone who'll become a self entitled adult. I also smile when I think of the mantra my husband's drummed into our children over the years. Still, to this day, he occasionally asks our 18yo son and 21yo daughter 'What's the best thing about manners?'. They'll smile and roll their eyes while automatically responding 'They cost nothing'. Not only do they cost nothing, they also pay off as a social skill. They're a good investment. 🙂

Re: How Do You Deal with a Nasty Person? TRIGGER WARNING

Fiatlux — Mon, 06 May 2024 02:32:01 GMT

Hi everyone,

I feel sick to the stomach right now.

It has been a very stressful time for business and like I said previously my husband is desperate now to stop working as he’s had enough.

He is crying.

Normally I would go and try to comfort him but I told him to take the day off.

At times when I was exhausted and broken, he took the opportunity to kick me even further down. I don’t owe him anything. Not even a hug.

All he does is complain about everyone, even blaming our son for his problems. The poor kid is 27 and really too young to take responsibility for his father’s lack of discipline or knowledge.

I suppose eventually I will crack and offer him some consolation. I just hate that I still care.

Re: How Do You Deal with a Nasty Person? TRIGGER WARNING

therising — Mon, 06 May 2024 06:09:12 GMT

Hi Fiatlux

I think if it's in our nature to care, we can't help but care at times, even if we don't want to. Just when we think we've got emotional detachment mastered when it comes to a particular person, bamm, a challenge comes along that leads us to feel for them in some way. Then you can be left thinking 'What's wrong with me?', with the basic answer being 'Right or wrong, I'm a caring person. That's who I am'. Some people will love us for this and some will take advantage in order to serve themself.

My heart goes out to you, with the business stresses adding to your challenges. My heart also goes out to your son. I've seen a number of people be led to reform the relationship they have with their fathers. For many, it's become about seeing their fathers as more than being that person in that role (of fathering). When it changes from 'The man who raised me as a child' to 'A man in my life who either measures up or doesn't, amongst all my relationships in my adult life', perception starts to shift. When a relationship changes from being parents and kids to being more so friends, the question then becomes 'Is he someone I would class as a supportive and caring friend at this stage of my life or someone who'd be regarded as an abusive or careless person in my adult life?'. It can be a tough transition, having to unlearn a lot of beliefs including 'Loyalty to a parent, no matter what'. This can be a self destructive belief when the parent is destructive in a number of ways. Loyalty to a friend in need is easy to achieve and is good for the soul. I imagine you and your son are friends.

topic Re: How Do You Deal with a Nasty Person? *TRIGGER WARNING* in PTSD and trauma

How Do You Deal with a Nasty Person? *TRIGGER WARNING*

Re: How Do You Deal with a Nasty Person? *TRIGGER WARNING*

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topic Re: How Do You Deal with a Nasty Person? TRIGGER WARNING in PTSD and trauma

How Do You Deal with a Nasty Person? TRIGGER WARNING

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