topic Re: Trauma, PTSD, Depression and Anxiety. in PTSD and trauma

Trauma, PTSD, Depression and Anxiety.

Andrewbb — Mon, 22 Apr 2024 05:52:52 GMT

What to do when you have 10 brothers and sisters, and Mother has passed away and feeling alone and lonely, feeling abandonded and a deep sense of being betrayed.

Have not worked properly for 5 years as gave up work to be Mum's carer fulltime.

Isolated' no friends' (have a distant friend) no family' no job and not much job prospects.

The grieving (which was delayed response for 15 months) feels like lead in my body and so weight bearing physically' mentally and spiritually.

Feeling lost' no puroose of life anymore.

Re: Trauma, PTSD, Depression and Anxiety.

tranzcrybe — Mon, 22 Apr 2024 11:48:34 GMT

Hi Andrew,
It is a weird sensation when the role of carer ends.
You'd think we'd just pick up from where we left off and carry on, but that point (reminiscent of 'Back to the Future'!) just doesn't exist - we are different as a result of the time devoted to caring (and how things change around us over that time).

So we need to find a 'new normal', one to build up interests - some from the past, but essentially discovering new pathways that suit whoever we are now.

And you are absolutely correct: grieving comes and goes in waves (in my case, usually when things are demanding) and there is nothing wrong with letting those feelings travel through you.

I'd be interested to hear how you coped (dealing with family et al) and any options you may have considered to move ahead with your life.

Re: Trauma, PTSD, Depression and Anxiety.

Andrewbb — Mon, 22 Apr 2024 23:32:25 GMT

Hello Tranzcrybe.

Thanks for your message. It sounds nice and non judgemental, and it's a nice feeling to see it and reply.

Copeing... geez.

Well it is very upsetting once this carers role ended for me.

I felt so strong and so happy and so invincible whilst sticking up for such a beautiful and strong woman (being Mum).

How can someone not care for such a person. During, towards the end, and after, I had no help and I simply could not understand how my brothers and sisters (besides one who helped in the last 2 weeks when needed the most) would not engage this beautiful woman being their own mother, and to be at her side as they all knew her life was ending rapidly. Even the last 3 months towards the end, non of them assisted their own mother with any caring duties what so-ever.

So......

Copeing whilst being a carer was like 1000% non conditional. I didnt Cope, i just did. I did what i had to do to serve such a person. I Coped at the time with my mothers love each day, hourly, moment by moment.

My Mum was so thankful that one of her children (me) stayed by her side and protected her and fed her and sat with her and provided company.

This is how I coped. I felt nothing could stop me and nothing did.

Day by day I simply could not believe my requests for assistance and support from siblings where constantly unanswered.

No help came besides a sister whom lived 3 hours away up central coast. (She came and helped fortnightly for visits and to give me a rest. In the last 2 weeks she stayed at home here and cared for mum during the night and ide care for her during the day).

I Coped with my mothers love for me and mine for her.

I didnt worry about after. My mothers wish was to not suffer a long painful death, and not to die alone.

I coped with my adrenalin peaking above the clouds, the last few weeks i barely slept, i could sleep, I just did what I had to do to help my mother pass away quietly at home where she wanted to be. I helped my mother breath her last breaths, I listened to her heart as it stopped.

I felt so happy I helped my mother die, she was happy till the end. My mother told me she loved me so mamy times for helping her as she became weaker and weaker, especially the last few days.

These are the feelings I now know that cannot be described to people or even worse, my mothers own siblings couldnt care less because she made a Will for me to keep the house as a reward for being her carer.

So now you might think wow, you have a house, great stuff and great job.

But now its Its hard to live without my family. They all hate me because they did not get any money and they wont till after the day I die, then the house will be sold and shared.

So this is now so hard to Cope with.

No family as they hate me and are jealous.

If I talk to friends or distant family they become biase and judgemental, so I find i cannot talk about myself and story to them.

I am almost 55 years old now so not sure about work.

So I feel a sense of betrayal, traumatised by sadness, has left a feeling of PTSD because of how everything played out, and depression cause it has taken its toll on me and continueing to, and the ANXIETY of it all.

So I am here to try to cope more better to get me out of bed. I have Isolated myself too much.

ive been suffering a deep depression along with everything.

So now to Cope, I am here trying to find something to help myself Cope and move forward.

My Mental Health is suffering.

Now i also suffer a deep grieving process and doing it alone as i feel so lonely and been isolating.

'I will write more about Coping'

Re: Trauma, PTSD, Depression and Anxiety.

Andrewbb — Tue, 23 Apr 2024 00:24:09 GMT

Moving on with Coping.

It took 12 months of probate after the death of mum. During this period one brother attacked me with knives and I ran away in defence, and once again came at me with a hammer to argue with me and i locked myself in the laundry till he went away. I had to put a voilence order on him and got him removed from the residence as he parked himself here and threatened me constantly to sell the house so he can have a share. Several siblings continued to come to the house and yell and scream and threaten me to try make me sell the house.

They came at me many times, mum.warned me this would happen but told me to not give in as they will do to you what they have always done to me. They will pressure you so ''dont give in''y mum said many times.

So Ive lived through this for the first 15 months of my mums passing.

Unreal. Unbelievable.

My mental health was heightened and didnt really know at the time but it was adrenalin pumping and nerve wrecking.

My ANS (automated nervous system) was breaking down.

I started googling things about mental health to try learn like ''what is going on, im living through a nightmare''.

So I started to 'Cope' by googling things and trying to learn what is happening to me.

I started counselling and my Dr and counsellors are telling me ' you are grieving'. I answered I dont know what you mean, i dont know what grief or grieving is yet. I honestly still couldnt grieve. I didnt know what it was !?

So... probate period finished (12 months) and court cases to defend my mums Will finished, and having to evict my own brother due to family domestic voilence (17 months aftet DOD), I finally felt like my body was resting which is now 18 months away.

I honestly felt and realised i have been running on an adrenaline feeling and I started to feal my body rest 18 months after DOD.

One day 19 months later, I woke up crying and it just wouldnt stop.

I 'cried' for 3 to 4 days profusely, and then I continued to cry for about 3 months. I realised I am now 'Grieving'.

So this continued till October last year, at this time 24.months after DOD.

So its been 6 more months ive been isolated, depressed, feeling traumatised by all this going on and the ANXIETY of everything is so bad.

I thought and was saying to myself in October last year that i need to get over all this but it has been hard.

I realise now my body was Coping on a fight or flight pattern which made my adrenalin peak for about 2 years as my adrenalin was hitting the clouds before DOD.

So 'Coping'.

I am trying to get my body clock to function properly.

My ANS i feel is still recovering.

I am learning what depression is more and more.

Still learning about Anxiety as this is now the worst ongoing thing i live with, so yeah learning to cope with this.

Trauma, how could caring for someone lead to Trauma ' omg'.

PTSD well again who would have imagined this to play out like it has. So I am dealing with this.

All this and more, Social anxiety, panic attacks a bit, isolating etc... all this is making me feel and think accidently about suicide now.

So now I live with this ongoing suicidality i have to deal with.

So to still answer how am I Coping, well..... I am.just hanging in there/ here.

This has bought me to find help here with Beyond Blue.

Ongoing counselling is my Coping strategy. I am very sad and lonely.

Its been roughly 30 months now since DOD and I am now recovering from Grieving and ongoing Grief, Depression, PTSD, Trauma, Anxiety, Social Anxiety, Isolation, and now Suicidality.

Like who could even make this stuff up!

I will write more about how I am coping now with ongoing 'coping skills' i am teaching myself. 🤗

Re: Trauma, PTSD, Depression and Anxiety.

tranzcrybe — Tue, 23 Apr 2024 12:54:02 GMT

Hey Andrew,
Thanks for your comprehensive portrayal of what I could only describe as nightmarish.

Your story quite remarkably mirrors my own, although stopping short of violence and contested Wills for which I can only be grateful in retrospect.

There is more I need to unpick in your posts in order to provide a cogent reply, so please allow me to consider the full extent of your trauma to offer support in shared experience.

Although improbable to contemplate, you are not alone in this!

Re: Trauma, PTSD, Depression and Anxiety.

tranzcrybe — Wed, 24 Apr 2024 02:03:04 GMT

Hi Andrew,

You have been put through the wringer from all angles; and yes, PTSD and trauma from caring will manifest itself when giving ourselves over to the needs of loved ones.

Unlike ‘raising’ children, we must acknowledge our task effectively involves working in reverse – to accommodate and comfort them, provide assistance and medical support, while recognising that nothing will arrest the decline runs at odds with our best efforts. We can find ourselves slowly vanishing as needs and the reality become all consuming. I would describe this as ‘grieving the living’.

But despite the duress and heartache, I wouldn’t replace the memories of my dad’s final years. I learned so much more about him and myself which is something my siblings never cared to participate in. I felt annoyed and bewildered as to why they distanced themselves – long held views of even longer held grievances had closed their hearts to what mattered more. Hard not to take that as a personal sleight both against me and my dad, but I feel for their loss in not sharing time to rise above ingrained hostilities.

Sadly, it is the lost esteem for my siblings which is the burden I carry today.

This is only one facet of your saga, but I have more to add… in stages.

Re: Trauma, PTSD, Depression and Anxiety.

Andrewbb — Thu, 25 Apr 2024 00:06:31 GMT

Hello Tranzcrybe.

Thank you for your time again for your message.

It is ver helpful to

Re: Trauma, PTSD, Depression and Anxiety.

Andrewbb — Thu, 25 Apr 2024 01:16:27 GMT

Hello

Omg i lost heaps of txt

Re: Trauma, PTSD, Depression and Anxiety.

tranzcrybe — Thu, 25 Apr 2024 08:58:19 GMT

Hi Andrew,
Yes, this has been a problem for others as well (including me) and it can be frustrating trying to recollect what usually takes a lot of time and effort to put together.

Although there is an ‘auto save’ function, I doubt it keeps more than the most recent draft (possibly another thing for techs to consider) and presently one must watch out for the ‘character limit’ which can only be guessed internally; so I don’t trust the reply window and its ‘user unfriendly’ design, preferring to prepare in Notepad or similar (this also allows me to review periodically without signing in).

Please don’t let this dissuade you from trying again as there is much to unravel, but I do understand how deflating this can feel when things are tough enough to navigate without this additional obstacle.

Take care not to let this upset you.

Re: Trauma, PTSD, Depression and Anxiety.

David35 — Thu, 25 Apr 2024 10:40:22 GMT

I'm 47 and care for my mum. I too developed PTSD as a result of her cancer treatment. My brother didn't help at all. I too have a provision in the will to keep some sort of residence. My mum has also warned me if anything happens to her, not to cave into my brothers demands, usually regarding finances, living situation,etc, which he did after dad died.

You've been through a tough time. You would have no regrets. Just think you would have been one of the last faces she saw.

Re: Trauma, PTSD, Depression and Anxiety.

David35 — Thu, 25 Apr 2024 10:46:16 GMT

To tranzcrybe,

My brother had a similar misaligned view of my dad simply because he was never that close to him, especially in has last few dying months. My dad died at 69 but had a very full life. He had no regrets. It's something I learnt several months before he died. But my brother still has the long held view that he missed out and you need to live like there's no tomorrow. I tried correcting him one day, but his ignorance prevailed. Why? Because he never got to know dad like I did when I was caring for him when he was dying of cancer. Hard times, but memories that I will cherish forever.

Re: Trauma, PTSD, Depression and Anxiety.

Andrewbb — Fri, 26 Apr 2024 02:36:49 GMT

Hello tranzcrybe.

I would like to ask you please...

how long has it been since your father passed away.

And....

How long have you suffered.

And....

What is your main thing you suffer from...

Could you let me know please.

Thank you. Andrew.

Re: Trauma, PTSD, Depression and Anxiety.

Andrewbb — Fri, 26 Apr 2024 03:02:05 GMT

Hello David.

Thanks for your response.

It does help me to chat here and see others living through this part of our lives and to continue on.

Now that i am here it makes me wonder why us people do not receive better support and training and post training / knowledge.

The goverment and or society accepts people to become carers and even get carers payments but... once this passes for us, we are left to fend for ourselves.

Tranzcrybe has helped me in a big way with the terminology used

'' grieving the living ''.

This helps to put the / my puzzle together from where the depression and grief started, subconsciously, without even realising in my mind.

I statted feeling sorry for myself as I was thinking '' what will happen after all this ''.

I started grieving my mums passing about 18 months after DOD.

A delayed reaction.

Delayed because i didnt know what is was. Where did it even come from. And how to grieve.

Like 'what is grieving' one would think, well i thought this because i honeslty couldnt describe it back then. (Now i could write a book on it).

When the grieving process started i cried and cried for about 4 days and nights. (this has scared me forever).

I cried profusely and i call it howling cry. I cried so so much 😑.

I then cried for about 3 months on and off but still everyday.

My hrieving still is in me but starting to realise eberuthing more and more / day by day, learning - teaching myself - and mainly ACCEPTING that this is grieving. And i have to stop it somehow to get my life back now.

There is barely any information out there to make or help a person firstly become aware of this grieving process.

Soon as people take on this role they should be given imformation to read up and tp prepare people about all this, so to help prepare people to deal with this wave of psychological events and consequences.

To teach this process before, during, and especially after as people have to move on and fit back into societies norms.

'' Grieving the Living ''

Yes, I understand and agree very strongly that this should be a medical terminology used to understand the process.

Thanks again tranzcrybe 💚.

Thanks David.

Re: Trauma, PTSD, Depression and Anxiety.

Andrewbb — Fri, 26 Apr 2024 03:17:31 GMT

Hello David.

You written and described your feelings as 'The burden towards your siblings'.

This resonates wth me so much.

Another piece to my puzzle which your comment clarifies for me very strongly.

I still feel so upset that they are jealous and hate me. I feel sorry they didnt connect with my and their mum better or for some of them ' even at all ' .

So its not my thinking silly, it is a consequence of all this playing out.

You have helped me sort out my feelings and worries a bit more and better.

Thank you 🤗.

Re: Trauma, PTSD, Depression and Anxiety.

tranzcrybe — Fri, 26 Apr 2024 08:31:28 GMT

Hi Andrew, and welcome to the conversation David.

As this is a Public space, I prefer not to be too specific, but can confirm similarities to your situation and experiences that I think are fairly universal for those who embark on the journey.

Suffering:
I try not to associate 'suffering' with caring for my dad - it just seemed right to me (no obligation or guilt) in comparison to his limited options, but it was a steep learning curve in taking on all the financial, medical, and personal care needs, plus his gradual decline in capacity turning exponential in the final years which revealed more about my own struggles.

Palliative care (at home) included, amongst other things, very skilled psychological carer support which provided a welcome outlet for receiving acceptance and permission to feel whatever we feel as necessary.

Also, finding contentment in acknowledging what others choose to do (or not) is entirely at their discernment - I don't blame siblings for making their own choices, but feel sorry they denied themselves the opportunity to rise above and make their peace.

My only attribute at the beginning was naivety - my most cherished gift is acquiring selflessness and an appreciation for my dad's quiet reserve throughout his life.

No, I do not 'suffer', but will carry the scars from confronting many difficulties - most of them I can wear with pride as I view the world in a new light.

This has its own advantages and disadvantages...

Re: Trauma, PTSD, Depression and Anxiety.

David35 — Fri, 26 Apr 2024 14:53:47 GMT

Andrewbb,

Your siblings "grief" is actually regret. I've seen it with my own brother when dad died. Regret that he didn't care about him more when he was sick.

You're right. Being a carer is a bit like becoming a first responder ambo They do all the training, learn how to treat patients. But they never learn formally how to treat themselves. I mean the accumulated trauma. When dad was in palliative care, we're lucky to have a social worker and even a nun who helped us deal with the complex emotions. I loved him, but hated what the cancer did to him. His personality changed, he looked a prisoner of war he was so thin. But, especially yesterday during Anzac day, I realise his spirit it still with me. I miss him, not because of his conversation, jokes, etc. I miss him because of what values he represented. Doing the right thing was always important. Being popular was of no importance at all.

I'll give you some perspective of how jealousy distorts peoples thinking. Since dad died, I help mum make financial decisions to benefit her, dads super. My bro is so jealous that I'm in control, not him, that he resents it. Even though I'm more naturally skilled at working with numbers and even though these same decisions will benefit him one day via his inheritance. But he's so stupid he doesn't realise, or if he does, he won't acknowledge it.

I'm hoping some of this relates to you. My brother resents me that I'm close to mum. He dislikes me at times because I have personal qualities that he sees in me but wishes he had: compassion, tolerance, patience. Not every day, because like I said I got PTSD as they all ran out. But I would guess that your siblings are jealous that you simply have the God given talent of caring for someone, because they couldn't do it.

I also experienced delayed grief when dad died. Even yesterday, nearly 8 years after, I still miss him. He was in the RAAF and Anzac Day was the one day he could feel proud of his service. I miss that pride.

Your mum is still with you. She's just in the next room. You just can't see or hear her.. but she is there watching over you.

Re: Trauma, PTSD, Depression and Anxiety.

David35 — Fri, 26 Apr 2024 15:04:41 GMT

Another thing i forgot to explain. When you're caring for someone, the emotions are usually locked away. There are more important things to think about, drugs, appointments, doctors, etc. It's not practical to be very self reflective. But when everything dies down ,that's when the bottled up emotions hit you. I experienced it when mum finished her chemo treatment. She was OK but I developed PTSD. It was the huge backlog of emotions that I had been unable to process because I was too busy worried about other things (usually her) to worry about myself. It's literally like a filing cabinet of emotions which need processing. That's the delayed grief.

Re: Trauma, PTSD, Depression and Anxiety.

Andrewbb — Sun, 28 Apr 2024 23:47:39 GMT

Hello tranzcrybe.

Thanks for your response to my question/s regarding suffering (both from me amd you on a Friday).

I think that 'now' reading my questions and your response about suffering, that we are are all individuals and experience things in different ways and also use different terminology and words to describe ourselves and feelings.

So... i was thinking that I was wrong to think that we suffer the same kind of way, or like me.

We are experience things in different ways and i became short sighted and put us in the same basket.

So even though we have been through a similiar life event, it is wrong that i was putting us and our feelings and beliefs in the same basket.

(Hard for me to explain this but hope you undersrand this response).

Thank you for your reply to my suffering questions. I can see clearly that i must think my story and experience is mine and to not think that we are all in the same basket.

Re: Trauma, PTSD, Depression and Anxiety.

Andrewbb — Mon, 29 Apr 2024 00:26:46 GMT

Hello David.

My response to your message on saturday.

Yes. My emotions were blocked and locked away. But i also was dealing with being the best i could to mum and also became her security guard.

My mum asked me to stay with her full time as she bevame scared and upset when her kids came to talk to her. She knew if i was in the house they wouldnt hassle her and ask for money and or things of value.

I was also dealing with siblings yelling at me trying to pressure me to sell the house and share it.

So besides all this going on... i still put on a happy face and attended to keeping mum happy and safe. Cleaning, cooking her meals as she absolutely loved her meals, and dr appointments and outings to shops for groceries and a nice coffee and a donut. Donut king became the place to visit. Sometimes just done a few laps to look at clothes and what was in the shops.

So yeah... at times i started thinking about the abuse but had to persevere so to continue on with my duty. I was so protective and just wamted mum happy.

But now after mums passing I realised i was ru ning on adrenaline.

Always worried someone will steal something or say mean things to her when i am.not around. I knew this because at times i wasnt with her, ide come home and my mum would be sitting on the lounge crying like a little girl. Ide say mum whats wrong, and she wouls say things to me like... you wouldmt believe what your siblings came and said to me while you were not here.

So yeah... there was several of them that abused her with words when she wouldnt give what they asked for. And it was very cunning if them to do this because they would do it when i wadnt there.

How sad. How can someone do this to their mum, and or even come over in two's and three's and plot to steal and pressure their mother regarding a Will.

This has created my on going suffering now and still.

Yes i now say i have suffered a traumatic experience and response to all this.

Depression set in.

Now PTSD has been created.

Social enxiety has become an issue.

Why. Why has all this happened to me and still happening today.

I isolated myself bevause i think how sad i was and how crazy this all became.

18 months after DOD something happened. I woke up crying and crying. So i couldnt even go to work.

I couldnt get out of bed for 4 days pretty much. I cried for 3 months. I couldnt face the day.

So yes.

I understand now because I have ongoing counselling and just started psychiatrist counselling now and medication to help get passed this.

I had a delayed reaction because i blocked it all out. One day i woke up and it hit me like a tonne of feathers.

Slowly this weight came upon me like within 2 ir 3 hours, feeling like getting heavier and heavier.and suffered PTSD with depression.

Re: Trauma, PTSD, Depression and Anxiety.

tranzcrybe — Tue, 30 Apr 2024 11:54:41 GMT

Sure Andrew, I get that - no argument about the distinction.

I would never suggest that pain is absolute – a paper cut can feel worse than a broken leg, and a significant injury can leave us feeling nothing at all; but emotional trauma is almost always all pervasive, debilitating, and leaving us feeling insecure, restless, overwhelmed, and, in parallel with the above, emotionally numb when pain no longer has relevance – and all from how we process past (and present) events.

Through such adversity there are things we lose and lament over, but we can often overlook the things we gain.

No, I wouldn’t wish suffering on anyone, but having gone through it and come out the other side, you possess skills and qualities that elevate you to greater awareness – the view from here affords you clarity and a certain compassion - if not forgiveness, for the turmoil arising from actions only debasing your persecutors.

Think less about what is wrong, as you express here. It is only right to draw correlations, divergence, and even contradictions when gleaning an understanding for your own particular circumstances through experiences of others near and far.