topic Re: Did I do something wrong? Am I at fault? in PTSD and trauma

Did I do something wrong? Am I at fault?

Ginger_roll — Wed, 09 Aug 2023 07:15:15 GMT

Recently, I got into an awkward situation with my tutor, who I have become friends with over the sessions. We still got work done and had friendly conversations about things that were about our personal lives. Overtime I also started developing feelings for him but never said anything. Then last month he was telling me that he was in his girlfriend's house and that they started dating 5 weeks ago and how they met through mutual friends. I was sad but happy for him too. I noticed over the online tutoring session, he started whispering at random times. I asked him whether or not he was ok but he just said "I'm just talking to myself and I guess to you." He noticed I was upset and asked me if I was ok twice. I then said I'm ok and that sometimes I worry about making him feel awkward about saying things that might be too personal. He then said "I know that I'm your tutor, my time is paid and I'm a bit older than you, but if you need me, I can be your friend". Then I said that I was going to be sad about him leaving to the UK. Then he said "Don't worry, I'll be back next year". I was then given hope that he'd like to be friends with me after tutoring and my final year of high school, which is what I'd like since we have spoken about our personal lives and got closer. Then, I mentioned the whispering in our next session and he gave me a different answer saying "I was just upset, that you were upset". Then the next session, I opened about my concerns of his relationship since I have never heard him whispering over a zoom and he gave me different answers to it and his relationship seemed to have progressed really fast. He then got defensive and started telling me that we shouldn't talk about our personal relationships and getting into our personal lives will complicate things because he is my tutor. He then said "I know I said 'Don't worry, I'll see you again next year' but I said it because I say it out of habit to my friends who say the same thing but I never see my students again after the HSC". I was just sitting there feeling really awkward when he said that because we have spoken about personal topics and he knew that I broke up with an ex boyfriend because he was toxic (He never said anything about discussing personal topics for the past 9 months of our tutoring sessions until now). Plus, you don't just say "Don't worry, I'll see you again next year when you dont feel close to someone or see them as only a student". I felt like I was given false hope and thought I was a friend to him. I also started suspecting that something is fishy, maybe the relationship. My friends also agree something is weird. At this point I am questioning whether or not to say anything about feeling awkward to my tutor or leave it. Did I do something wrong here? Is there something that is my fault and I'm not aware of it?

Re: Did I do something wrong? Am I at fault?

Croix — Wed, 09 Aug 2023 12:05:42 GMT

Dear Ginger_Roll~

Welcome. No I do not think you did anything wrong. Very often friendship do develop between student and tutor, it is only natural as you are close together dealing with the same set of problems. That sort of interaction does tend to let one person see the other as a human rather than just as someone with a job.

It's the sort of thing the can happen between two people that work together too.

In this case it does not seem like you are getting straight and consistent answers from your tutor. It's hard to know why, perhaps he feels he became over-friendly and now wants to step back but doesn't quite know how to do it. Then again that's just a guess.

Any relationship, friendship, romantic or platonic does rely upon honesty and care between people. You're not getting that and it leaves you confused, it would me too.

May I suggest you remain pleasant but do not either apologize or ask about anything personal. Stick to the subject you are being tutored in and leave it at that. To go further simply risks disappointment or an awkward situation.

The fact matters will in any case break off when he goes to the UK and probably has a girlfriend anyway should be sufficient reason to steer clear.

I'd agree whispering over Zoom is a bit weird. Better to say anything straight out or say nothing.

It's the sort of situation that can be quite upsetting, you know you are welcome to talk things over here anytime.

Croix

Re: Did I do something wrong? Am I at fault?

Ginger_roll — Thu, 10 Aug 2023 11:46:44 GMT

Thanks Croix, for your response. I am wondering if it is ok if you can explain why you said do not apologise, is it because I have done nothing wrong or it will just make the situation awkward? There's also a part of me which feels like a friend to him and to care about his wellbeing. I was told by some of my friends to just drop him out of my life after leaving to the UK, since he is acting like a jerk (I don't know if that's a bit too far). What do you think?

Ginger_roll

Re: Did I do something wrong? Am I at fault?

Croix — Fri, 11 Aug 2023 13:17:19 GMT

Dear Ginger_roll~

In your place I imagined it might be best if the subject was not raised and continued on as a more impersonal student-tutor relationship. If you apologize that firstly might imply you thought you had done something wrong (not correct) and secondly doing so would raise the issue.

If he raises the issue then I would listen to what he says and I guess use my judgment and instinct. His behaviour to date has been unusual, plus he talks of a girlfriend, so waiting to see might be the best policy.

Feeling like you care for his well-being and wanting to be a friend to him is understandable and shows a kind nature on your part. However it might easily slip on your part into a closer one-sided relationship without having any suitable response from him. A recipe for grief.

I hope things work out for you, and would like to know how you get on.

Croix

Re: Did I do something wrong? Am I at fault?

Ginger_roll — Thu, 05 Oct 2023 12:04:48 GMT

Hi Croix,

For the past couple of months I decided to see where things go. Thanks alot for your support. Things have been getting better now since he left and I admitted to myself that he's weird/unusual. I have been more focused on my life and less distracted without having him as a tutor. I also decided to discontinue having sessions with him because I came to the realisation that he was the root of my decline in mental health. It was very eerie at the end of our sessions as well as he wasn't a helpful tutor as much as he was in the beginning and somehow made me hate studying. He was really good at first. He knew how to work with me as a student and then he started acting weird at his girlfriend's house. At the time I just thought I wasn't working hard enough and the more I instilled this belief I just didn't end up enjoying what I was doing. I can't even tell if he used to idolise me in the beginning either since he was going on about attaining certain marks was achievable.

The week before he went to the UK. He was becoming more responsive with my text messages and then he didn't respond for a week. He just said that he forgot to respond since he was out all day and he responded an hour and a half before our last session was meant to start. He agreed to our last session. He sent me a text, giving me 40 minutes notice that he couldn't make our session because he forgot about a family dinner for the same reason. It was eerie because he lived with his parents and forgot about it. Then he told me he would ask his mates around to see if they could tutor me.

When he arrived in the UK, he then said that none of his mates were available and that he'd contact me on the 19th September for sessions. However, he contacted me five days later than the date and offered sessions. This felt somewhat eerie as well because it's very common to know uni students who tutor on the side and you'd think that some would be available for another student or two. I declined his offer, saying that I would let him know if I needed help (regretted saying the last bit). He then deleted my number.

Now I am relieved and happier than ever. Thank you for your support Croix.

Ginger_roll

Re: Did I do something wrong? Am I at fault?

Croix — Fri, 06 Oct 2023 10:42:09 GMT

Dear Ginger_roll~

It's good to hear from you again and I'm very glad things have worked out. I think you have acted wisely.

It's pretty obvious that he had no regard for you and terminating matters has been good for you. I hope it has not put off your studies, that would be a pity as it does not depend upon him or even his impression of you as a student, it's what you think and want that counts.

Going at your own pace, not being lead into trying unrealistically hard, and I'm sure you will succeed.

Croix

Re: Did I do something wrong? Am I at fault?

Ginger_roll — Sat, 07 Oct 2023 11:55:30 GMT

Hi Croix.

Thank you for your response. I really appreciate you for being one of those people who have helped me keep my sanity. Funny thing about me saying that he deleted my phone number. He responded not too long after I sent it to you wishing the best for my HSC. However, he responded 9 days after I terminated things with him. I don't know if I am weird for saying or thinking this but many coincidences used to happen between my tutor and I (Coincidences might just be coincidences sometimes) but they happened alot between us including this one. What do you think?

I don't know. It was just really strange in the end and I never saw it coming and I wonder why I didn't at times. I wonder if it was a result of covert narcissism if that's what it was.

Thanks for hearing me out.

Ginger roll

Re: Did I do something wrong? Am I at fault?

Croix — Sun, 08 Oct 2023 11:29:47 GMT

Dear Ginger Roll~

Some people try to manipulate others, and do so by many methods, including blowing hot and cold. Blocking you phone and then contacting you seems ot fit the pattern as does making you wait in the past.

They also seem to have an instinct in how to play that other person and that includes timing - which can sometimes appear as coincidences. There is no reason you would be able to predict his actions.

It does not really matter from your point of view what label you give him, narcissist or something else. The fact of the matter is from your descriptions you are well of without him and can get on with your life.

Croix

Re: Did I do something wrong? Am I at fault?

Ginger_roll — Tue, 05 Dec 2023 13:51:43 GMT

Hi Croix,

I hope all is well for you. I recently met a friend of my tutor through my vocal coach and we spoke about him and she did say he was nice as a room mate and she said it could have been hard to tell if my tutor liked me or not. This is because tutoring was done on zoom. She also said that it did seem like he was acting a bit weird. Her friend said that he seems weird and that they don't have to be extremely weird to be let go of from your life. She said I should forget about or block him since it seemed like he had many red flags. She also didn't understand why he was getting personal with a highschool student and leading them on (if he was). She also said it's on him since he should have made it clear through his actions that the sessions were going to be of a professional manner (plus my other friends think he's weird). My vocal coach and I spoke about it, since she recommended him to me. She said he seems like a lovely guy and that the room-mate that I met said he was good to live with and that he would have to own up to the fact that he should have put up boundaries and that maybe I got the wrong idea because I am young.

It's just been a bit confusing, I guess, because I got this idea that he was a really weird guy who didn't seem like he had any regard for me after the situation that went down. But I get told that he seemed like a lovely guy. The thing is, he did seem that way to me as well, it's just that things got weird. I question whether or not I got the wrong idea about my tutor's motives since I am young and am new to dating. However, at the same time my head can't wrap around the fact that he said to me, when he lectured me, that he should have set boundaries a long time ago but he was acting friendly and getting personal for 10 months.

My vocal coach said that she recons "Political Correctness" has gone too far in the sense that people get offended too easily that someone would say a sexual joke and people would get offended. Basically, she thinks that he may have stuffed up and got friendly with me due to the nature of our friendship. For me I feel like these two situations are different. I just think why would you wait 10 months to set boundaries, since if you felt they were important no matter how hard you would find to set them earlier, regardless of whether it's straight away or not.

I don't know what to think. Is it understandable to be confused or feeling off? What should I think? What's your advice and what do you think?

Thanks

Ginger Roll

Re: Did I do something wrong? Am I at fault?

Croix — Wed, 06 Dec 2023 12:09:19 GMT

Dear Ginger Roll~`

It's good to hear from you again. May I say I suspect you are overthinking hte situation. While it would be good to know exactly waht had been happening and hte nature of your ex-tutor I don't think everything in life is always explainable.

Many people act differently at different times and your description is not of a forthright and plain spoken person. Acting weird, whispering and on-again off-again tutoring arrangements would I does read as unreliable

It may well be that wiht others he appears pleasant, however that does not change his basic nature.

The two most important things oyu have said are firstly his efforts have put you off study, and you now hate it. This is terrible, a real loss.

The second is htat in his absence your mental health has improved.

Can I suggest you do not try to make sense of it all (which may never happen anyway), but simply put it down as one of those experiences in life one should leave behind and concentrate on new fresh things.

Croix

Re: Did I do something wrong? Am I at fault?

Ginger_roll — Mon, 18 Dec 2023 15:13:12 GMT

Hi Croix,

Thanks for your advice. I really appreciate it. I got my HSC results recently and looked at them on Saturday with a couple of my friends. One of my auntie's really wanted to know my HSC results but I said that I wanted to keep them private since they weren't as high as she was confident they were going to be. She initially said that we would look at them together but I did with friends. I was relieved that I did better than I thought considering everything. I told her that I was fine and looked at them and that I'd rather keep the results to myself.

She was then saying that she knew I was struggling but I had a responsibility to tell her since my family tried very hard to support me. She asked me to sit with this thought. I did and said that I would still prefer to keep the results for some time. She then said that I have to face my responsibilities and let her know since I can't hide them for too long (I do plan to tell her eventually). She then said that even though I'm struggling, I'm being really selfish and that she's made so many sacrifices for me and that it would be nice to make a sacrifice for her too. From here I just had more pressure to tell her about them. My friends reckon the behaviour seems sort of like gaslighting or guilt tripping. I told a cousin of mine and my father finally since I felt like they were going to be more relaxed when I tell them. My father didn't really ask beforehand since he didn't want me to feel pressure about telling him.

I have also ignored my auntie's phone calls due to my discomfort. I really don't like that I've done so but I didn't know what else to do. I've still messaged her though but she wants me to just tell her and get it over and done with even though I said I wasn't ready. The context is that she helped me get my ex-tutor and helped me out with my Italian HSC exams when coming to my house. Despite this, I don't know if she's got a right to say this and I should force myself to tell her or do so when I'm ready. At times I feel like I'm acting like my ex-tutor in this case but it's not like I'm accusing/gaslighting her for getting the wrong idea when I made out something was suspicious like he did over zoom. Have I done something wrong again? Am I also overthinking this? Am I selfish for saying that I'd rather keep the results to myself for some time? Thanks for your honest insights.

Ginger Roll

Re: Did I do something wrong? Am I at fault?

Croix — Tue, 19 Dec 2023 11:47:07 GMT

Dear Ginger_Roll~

Your results are yours, not someone else's. And if you are hesitant to let someone else that really is the end of it, at least for now. To put emotional pressure on you is not-on, it shows more about the character of your aunt than anything else. You may also have thought given her possibly unrealistic expectations you would have been given a hard time if you did say what they were - not something you deserve.

If your aunt helped you with a unit and you are reasonably pleased with the result you may wish to tell her that her efforts really helped. This shows courtesy and appreciation wihtout revealing what you consider private.

Your father and cousin are quite a different case, when no pressure was involved to get you to talk, and you could expect the reception would be low-key and comfortable then I'm not surprised you told them

It is possible I suppose that in time you may want to tell her, however that has to be when you desire to do so, not when blackmailed.

Incidentally congratulations on your HSC, if you are pleased you did better than you anticipated that's what counts

Croix

Re: Did I do something wrong? Am I at fault?

Ginger_roll — Wed, 13 Mar 2024 13:50:32 GMT

Hi again Croix.

It's me again, Ginger_roll. I have recently met a guy at the Safe Drivers Course that we have done. We have texted here and there and met up twice afterwards. We really got on and conversations were flowing very well. During this timeline, I started to like him.

The last time we met up, we were talking and got into a good conversation flow. We were having deep conversations and then he was telling me that he doesn't have the space "physically" to meet me frequently since he has friends closer to him and has known for a long time that he can't abandon and has been seeing two other girls but doesn't seem official but sees monogamy more with them than me. He also said that he'd like to be a friend to me. However, he said that his heart has space to meet me. I was a bit upset but since he was down to being friends with me and meeting up around once a month I was happy that we could still be friends.

Then we started exchanging "I think you're a really a good friend", "I just want you to be happy" and "You are such a good person". We then hugged each other (it was an embrace, actually). We prolonged our gazes into each other's eyes and smiled at each other and he didn't mind me cuddling him. I placed my head on his shoulder twice, then he rubbed his head on my shoulder and cheek. Our faces were so close to each other and then we eventually started making out. He then held my hand. He said that he enjoyed it and we kept going. We just enjoyed each other's company from here. Then he had to go and when we arrived outside his house, he kissed me on the forehead and kissed me goodbye. I really enjoyed our time.

Right after we met, he texted me that he didn't want to kiss me again and that being too affectionate with me didn't feel right. The weird thing is, was that before we met up he seemed keen to see me and couldn't wait for us to meet. He was very responsive and texted me longer texts and sent the blushing emoji. I'm glad we kissed and it wasn't the best kiss that I have had but it made me realise how open minded and flexible I was to various outcomes. I like we should be just platonic by the looks of things but I somewhat feel used.

I'll give more details when I reply to your response.

What do you think Croix? Would you feel weird and confused too? Would you feel used? What are your thoughts? Does it seem like I'm being used?

Thanks.

Ginger_roll

Re: Did I do something wrong? Am I at fault?

Croix — Thu, 14 Mar 2024 12:24:45 GMT

Dear Ginger_roll~

It's good to hear from you again, even if it is under less than happy circumstances.

I'm not sure one can be 'friends' wiht someone like that particularly after physicality starts, at least for me such a relationship, even at the start, needs to be whole hearted. 'Having space for you in his heart' as well as seeing two other girls plus friends seems to me he simply wants to add you to the collection.

Once the physical side starts, kissing and cuddling, then it is very easy for this to take over and judgment go out the window. In fact nothing has changed, there are still two other girls, it is just easier to forget their existence until things go wrong.

You sound a lovely person and are entitled to the whole attention and affection of someone else, not just a part.

Croix

Re: Did I do something wrong? Am I at fault?

Ginger_roll — Sun, 17 Mar 2024 13:46:16 GMT

Hi Croix.

Thank you so much for your advice. You are right about when physicality gets involved, resulting in judgement going out the window. This is since physicality results in an emotional bond. It was so strange though because like I said he started using the blushing emoji and sending longer texts. He was also replying to my messages just about instantly most of the time. During the phone call before we met up he said that he couldn't wait to see me and to contact him when I arrived home via an uber.

When we met up, he said that he can't contact me or see me frequently since he has a job, TAFE (once a week), likes to study and exercise. This is in addition to him seeing monogamy more with two other girls. He was saying that he has sleepovers with mates he's been close with for so long that he cannot abandon and we only met a couple of months ago. He also said that if I lived closer we'd be able to see each other more often, even though we don't live that far (11-18 minutes by car and 40 minutes by bus + train). I may just be used to living at a bit of a distance from friends. My friends say that the distance thing is an excuse or something.

He also said that he can't really commit to anything and isn't reliable because of how he's wired. I really appreciate his honesty of him saying this, yet we still got physical as I've described.

I just thought that I'd give more context. What do you mean by "the collection"?

Thanks for your advice again!

Ginger Roll

Re: Did I do something wrong? Am I at fault?

Croix — Mon, 18 Mar 2024 12:31:56 GMT

Dear Ginger Roll~

Thanks for the extra context, unfortunately I can't see anything that makes me believe he regards you as the sole individual he wants to be with, and in fact seems, from my perspective, to be leading you on by being just nice enough to keep you hoping.

By collection I mean -and I'm sorry to be blunt - that he would seem to want to have a number of girls dependent on him, a collection.

Does that answer your question?

Croix

Re: Did I do something wrong? Am I at fault?

Ginger_roll — Thu, 21 Mar 2024 10:50:42 GMT

Hi Croix,

Thanks for the clarification Croix. That does answer my question. Thank you for being really honest and I appreciate your honesty. You don't need to apologise on how blunt you are since you only want to say the truth and ensure that no one's feelings are hurt :).

Ginger Roll