topic Re: I don't have a feeling of safety - complex PTSD & dissociation in PTSD and trauma

i don't have a feeling of safety - complex ptsd and dissociation

divine_inner_goddess — Wed, 20 Sep 2023 05:14:55 GMT

**slight trigger warning - I mention the word abuse**

Hello out there,

I have been posting on other discussion threads but I haven't created my own post until now....

I am realising lately that I can't feel a sense of safety in my body. I can recall times when I have felt safe, for example lying under my weighted blanket, or cuddling with my partner. But, I can't FEEL the safety in my body when I think about those memories. It is as if my body simply does not retain a memory of that felt experience. However, I can feel terror, rage, helplessness, numbness, intense shame etc when I remember awful things from my past and I very much feel it in my body. I can feel good stuff in the moment as a vague sensation, but I can't retain the memory of it in my body. Does that make sense?

I am learning more and more about dissociation at the moment, and I'm realising that I have experienced chronic dissociation (disconnection from my body sensations) to varying degrees since a child. I was never taught as a child what it meant to feel safe and held and nurtured. My childhood was chaotic, dysfunctional and very abusive, physically & emotionally. Thus, the diagnosis of complex PTSD. I am now in my late 40s and the impact of that early trauma is becoming more and more apparent.

I realised this when I called the suicide call back service a few weeks ago and the lady kept saying to imagine a time when I felt safe, or to do something that made me feel safe and to keep doing that until I felt safe in my body. I drew a blank - she might as well have been speaking a different language!! It was a revelation to me! I thought that safety was something you created externally, such as, interacting with people you trust, places that feel comfortable in, and activities that feel nice and not too stressful. I never knew that safety was something you could feel INSIDE your body!! I am slowly learning.......

I would love to hear from others with a similar experience. But, also from those who can describe what safety feels like.

Thank you,

dig

Re: I don't have a feeling of safety - complex PTSD & dissociation

Eagle Ray — Wed, 06 Sep 2023 07:53:42 GMT

Hi dig,

I very much relate to your post. Without understanding it until recent years (I’m late 40s too), I’ve come to realise that I never had a sense of safety from the very beginning (traumatic birth, mother did not bond, father rageful from earliest memory etc). I’ve come to realise that neither of my parents ever had any sense of safety either based on their experiences from the beginning of life.

In the past year I have begun to feel safety on a few occasions. One day last year I was at my favourite place by the ocean and I suddenly realised all burdens had lifted off me and all stress had left my body. It was truly incredible and I realised other people probably feel that more routinely. I could breathe without any difficulty which is very rare for me. I’m quite sure that was linked to the somatic work I’d been doing with my psychologist releasing past traumas.

What tends to happen is the stress response returns (chronic fight/flight/freeze) because my body is so programmed for it, but as I keep touching into safety gradually my body is unlearning its lifelong patterns.

My next main safety episode followed a really kind person singing a healing song to me. I was doing a course with him and I had been really not ok before starting the course. It’s like he just intuitively picked that up as I will never say I’m not ok but will try to act that everything is fine. He saw through that and sang to me. I had the most profound healing and it was deeply physiological and spiritual too. I remained incredibly peaceful for several weeks and felt truly connected to everyone and everything.

Eventually I slipped back a bit. Then I had a session with my psychologist where I finally stopped trying so hard to be ok, broke down and cried and she was so kindly present with me. Again a deep healing followed. That afternoon I had all these healing visions relating to past traumas and difficulties. A feeling of ease came over me and my creativity returned. I wrote my first song in 13 years.

So I am learning safety in my body and it has always been facilitated through coregulation with a safe other person who has deeply understood me and been present with me. Certain triggers can spark fear again. Sometimes those fears are irrational but sometimes not. I had strong fear activated in relation to a couple of people recently who indeed were not safe people to have in my life and I promptly put a boundary up with them. Thus my instincts were correct and I established safety for myself.

So in my experience I think safety inside the body is being able to breathe without any restrictions, complete ease of movement, a sense of deep peace and actual feelings of joy and connection to all life (people, animals, plants, past, present, future). It is a feeling of freedom and I know it exists because I have felt it. Perhaps most powerfully there is a feeling of coming home to yourself - a kind of birthright that can definitely be attained even if trauma was present from birth.

That is the best I can explain it. I’m still learning the experience of safety but gradually getting there. I’d be happy to hear from anyone else on the topic who has experienced safety in their body and what that feels like and means for them.

Also, lastly just remembering too that I’ve learned healing is about receptivity and an open heart. When you are with someone who you can intuitively trust and they can really see and be present with you, it’s possible to open your heart and be receptive to healing. This receptivity is necessary for healing processes to unfold. To me it has felt like my heart opening and a feeling of warmth, gentleness and humility. So I think receptivity is closely connected with safety and they feed into each other.

Re: I don't have a feeling of safety - complex PTSD & dissociation

indigo22 — Wed, 06 Sep 2023 08:44:29 GMT

Hi dig & ER,

I can only say that I feel, for the most part, safe. For me that has been as a result of being on my own for a long time (no relationships for over 20 years). It has taught me to rely in my own inner strength. I can still be triggered as I have talked about previously, but it does not last very long once the episode is over and done with. I think a lot of feeling safe in your body has to do with confidence, self esteem, the ability to stand up for yourself and I know that with the ptsd you have both been through, that is not easy to maintain on a day to day basis. I am not sure if this will help but there is a cd I listen to fairly frequently (which is on spotify if you have a subscription) by Jonathan Goldman called Crystal Bowl Chakra Chants. My suggestion would be to listen to something like this when you are feeling safe, soaking in the resonance of the sound and feeling it in your body along with the feeling of being safe. This could be a trigger for safety when you need it. It should work by being able to resonate with that feeling of safety when you listen to it. My point is that the negative feelings were and are associated with the sounds of anger and chaos, which allowed them to become ingrained over time, the same should be true for positive feelings over time.

I hope this helps a little.

Take care both,

indigo

Re: I don't have a feeling of safety - complex PTSD & dissociation

Eagle Ray — Wed, 06 Sep 2023 09:30:58 GMT

Dear Indigo,

Thank you. That’s very helpful. I think when you learn to resonate with safety, such as through healing, calming sounds, you can draw on that when you need to. I will have a look for those particular chants. On my recent trip I mostly felt safe actually when I think about it. I think because I was in control of what I was doing every day and following my heart and spirit. It was very healing. I was regularly in nature which is absolutely my safe place.

But one night I could not sleep and I was still awake at 3am. I had a lot of grief surfacing. I’m learning it is a natural process in flux and this is just what happens. It was actually a good sign that grief was moving through and not stuck. In addition, some people were fighting in the street which made me feel a bit on edge but sad too. My nervous system was very wired, the same way it always was when I was a child and I would be awake all night. Then all of a sudden I felt the presence of a wise elder with me looking over me. He felt completely, unquestionably safe and rested his hand on me - a healer, nurturer and protector. I straight away could feel instant safety. I could feel the hypervigilance in my nervous system just let go. There is some process now by which I can access safety, or it comes upon me when I need it. So finally, I went to sleep.

Even just writing about this now I can feel calmer. There is a peaceful atmosphere. Thank you 🙏

Re: I don't have a feeling of safety - complex PTSD & dissociation

Eagle Ray — Wed, 06 Sep 2023 22:34:37 GMT

Dear dig and indigo,

Indigo, I just wanted to let you know that although I don’t have a Spotify subscription I found free versions of Jonathan Goldman’s Crystal Bowl Chakra Chants. I just listened to one this morning. It was very calming and centring. I could feel it expanding my heart and transforming my brain waves. I have an appointment with my psychologist later this morning so I know it will help me to have calmness and clarity when communicating with her, putting me in a good space for that. Dig, I hope something like that might be helpful for you too. I used to go to sound healing sessions in the city and it was where I started to learn about the role of different consciousness states in the alleviation of fear and stress. I would feel safer and profoundly different after those sessions too.

Re: I don't have a feeling of safety - complex PTSD & dissociation

indigo22 — Thu, 07 Sep 2023 02:07:33 GMT

Hi Eagle Ray & dig,

ER - So glad you found free versions and you found it helpful, I need to get myself in the habit of listening to it daily as I find it helpful too. I also have a set of metal chakra singing bowls which I want to get into the habit of using regularly. Your connection to spirit is very strong, I love that the elder came to you to soothe you when you most needed it and you were able to sleep.

When I ended my session with the psychotherapist, she gave me a hug and I burst into tears, I had not had that kind of contact with another human in a really long time and I didn't realise just how much I really needed a hug until that moment.

I hope you are ok dig,

indigo

Re: I don't have a feeling of safety - complex PTSD & dissociation

Eagle Ray — Thu, 07 Sep 2023 11:35:15 GMT

Hi dig and indigo,

Dig, I hope you are going ok too.

Indigo, I relate to the meaningfulness of a hug too. I have been on my own a long time too and I’m so used to not having hugs or physical comfort or support. So I understand the bursting into tears. Your therapist sounds intuitive and caring.

Take care both,

Re: I don't have a feeling of safety - complex PTSD & dissociation

divine_inner_goddess — Thu, 07 Sep 2023 23:55:46 GMT

Hi Eagle Ray & Indigo,

Thank you so much for your thoughtful posts, as always. I have had a busy few days, and in general I am going pretty well at the moment. I think the beginning of Spring has helped me to turn a corner and start lifting out of the Dark Night of the Soul during Winter.

ER - thank you for your insights on what safety feels like inside the body.

Easy breathing

Ease of movement

A sense of deep peace

Feeling of joy & connection

A feeling of freedom

A feeling of coming home to yourself.

I can recall moments of experiencing that feeling. For example, sailing with my father. I would feel at peace on the water, joy & connection to nature and my father, definitely a sense of freedom to completely relax and be myself, and a feeling of coming home. My father and I had a very special bond out on the water/ocean.

I also feel that way when I am in the ocean just swimming and splashing around. I feel sparks of joy and aliveness as I enter the ocean and the waves start swirling around me. I often squeal with joy. When I am floating and diving under waves and rolling around I let my body go limp and become one with the ocean. I love the feeling of the salty water and sunshine on my skin. I allow my body to just roll around and do what it wants to do. Definitely a feeling of freedom - to just be me. And yes, I can relate ER, that feeling of all the burdens and stress lifting off. I often shake my arms and legs as I get out of the ocean which feels good too, shaking off old stuck energy. I feel invigorated and refreshed afterwards. So...... is that safety?

I also like your reference to coregulation with a safe other person. I have a bit more difficulty with that one. I remember feeling safe and beautifully held and seen and heard with my first counsellor (that I saw fortnightly for about 5 years). But then she stopped counselling to have a baby, so I stopped counselling too. I had become reliant on her, I think. Because I had never had anyone to coregulate with before. I think I closed up after that for a very very long time. It was very hard for me to trust another person. Even with my current therapists, I don't know if I feel completely safe. I think at the moment, I am in a heightened PTSD state, so the hypervigilance and tendency towards fight/flight/freeze is very strong. Actually, I do feel glimpses of coregulation when my partner is stroking my hair, for example, it is very soothing. But, if his kids are arguing in the background, then my body immediately goes into tension/restriction. And your comment about being open to receive is an interesting one. I will ponder that some more.......

So ER....... safety is when the hypervigilance and tension/constriction drops away? Like letting go of the need to hold oneself together? I am experiencing glimpses of that, I suppose, gradually.

And Indigo, thank you so much for pointing towards Jonathan Goldman and the Crystal Bowl Chakra Chants! Got it! I listened to it this morning after my morning mediation. I could feel the healing vibrations in my body and a sense of peace and calm (for the 5 minutes of the track). I love sound healing. I have been to a few crystal bowl sound healings and also didgeridoo sound healings. And it reminded me that I have a Spotify playlist with healing frequencies that I play sometimes. For me though, I need to play tracks like that on repeat ALL DAY as I potter around at home, and then by the end of the day I feel relaxed and at peace. So, it takes a loooooooooong time for my body to unwind and find that place of relaxation and peace and letting go. I find dancing and moving around to some gentle dancey tracks helps a bit too. I have 'psychospiritual' playlists for that.

Thank you both again for your insights and for sharing. I really appreciate it. Please keep sharing if you would like to. It helps me sooooooooo much 🙂

dig

Re: I don't have a feeling of safety - complex PTSD & dissociation

indigo22 — Fri, 08 Sep 2023 01:51:12 GMT

Hi dig & ER,

The thing is to listen to that when you are already feeling safe, when you can focus on the feeling in your body so an association can be formed with safety, so the brain has a chance to do some rewiring. So when you are laying under your weighted blanket or when everything is quiet and you are being held by your partner, those are the times to listen with focus and form a connection so it becomes a trigger for safety. It's great to have it on in the background but that won't achieve the same result because it is not the main focus.

I am not sure if either of you saw my post on the free mental health global summit that is coming up on September 12th, there is a documentary with Gabor Mate that is definitely worth seeing and there are lots of speakers to choose from to watch during the summit. The post is in the Welcome section of the forum is you are interested and the web address is there to find out more about it.

Take care both,

indigo

Re: I don't have a feeling of safety - complex PTSD & dissociation

Eagle Ray — Sat, 09 Sep 2023 00:00:00 GMT

Dear dig and indigo,

Dig, the best way I can describe the feeling of safety related to all burdens leaving the body that I experienced that day by the ocean, was that it was at a whole other level. So I often feel at one with nature and that is very helpful. Like you I have also felt that deep embodiment in the ocean where you go into a kind of flow state, feel the elements of the salty water and sunshine and just let the ocean hold you. It’s such a beautiful thing. But this time by the ocean where all burdens lifted, it was like there was a deep healing throughout my whole system of all past injuries, traumas etc. There was only ease and a feeling that all had resolved. Again I experienced this after being sung to where my body went into a kind of resolving phase where all my fascia stretched out through spontaneous movements, I went into a peaceful sleep and then felt the deepest peace for the next few weeks. So for me those experiences were total safety through a kind of inner resolution that simply played out on its own in the right conditions. It’s hard to do it justice in words because it’s a felt, non-verbal experience. While my nervous system has relapses which is expected in complex trauma, my system now knows what such healing feels like and can gradually work its way towards it. It’s a process of pendulation, which you may be familiar with from Peter Levine’s work.

The guy who sung to me has trained in shamanistic practice in Peru and he spoke about receptivity as a state the shamans talk about. I guess you could say it is having the intent of healing, just internally letting go and opening the heart to spirit. I already sense you are like that anyway (and you too indigo), that you both have that open heart that enables healing. You just don’t want to open your heart in the presence of the wrong people, and that’s why having supports you can wholeheartedly trust, such as an open, kind therapist, mentor, whoever it might be, is so important.

I understand what you’re saying about having had that positive, safe relationship with the first counsellor but then closing up after. I remember watching a video Peter Levine made about work he did with a US marine named Ray who had PTSD. Ray said “trust is a heavy thing”. For anyone with trauma being able to let go and just trust in the presence of another can be really, really hard to do. Actually that video which is on YouTube may even be helpful to watch. It’s called Somatic Experiencing - Ray’s Story.

For me I had an intuitive sense from my first session with my current psychologist that she was going to be safe. It still took me a year though to fully let go that day I just said I’m so exhausted from presenting as if I’m ok all the time before I put my head down on the desk and cried. I had never in my whole life allowed myself to let go with someone like that before because it was way to dangerous as a child to say if I was not ok. The relief was incredible and more deep healing followed. So the whole thing is progressive and it’s just gently allowing the release of past traumas and letting in the good, including the kindhearted-ness of others. That letting go and then letting in is the receptivity.

I am still a work in progress, but I now have quicker recovery times when trauma responses activate and I know, without question from what I’ve experienced, that healing is possible. I’m gradually becoming a good parent to myself as I begin to internalise what is healing and normal while letting go of all that isn’t.

I hope maybe that helps a bit. It’s a process but one you can work through and find healing in.

Re: I don't have a feeling of safety - complex PTSD & dissociation

divine_inner_goddess — Sat, 09 Sep 2023 00:09:41 GMT

Hi Indigo (and Eagle Ray),

Ahh yes, I get it that the idea is to focus on the feeling of safety to help the brain register the feeling. This will be my focus for the next while, I think.

I had an acupuncture treatment yesterday, which helped a lot. I could feel my body unwinding. And, today I feel a-MAZE-ing!!!!!!! I actually feel relaxed, for the first time in soooooooooo long. It feels like the treatment has given my body a template or blueprint for a state of relaxation. And now I can build on that and tune into what it feels like on the inside. Before, it was very difficult to do that because I could not easily get myself into a state of relaxation and safety. I am planning on getting acupuncture treatment as often as I can for while, to really help my body to register that feeling, and as you say, give the brain a chance to do some rewiring.

Another thing I just realised this morning.... my partner's son was over here and he was playing my Gasong drum. I hardly ever play it. But the way he played it was so gentle and soothing. I must play it more! We were just talking about crystal bowls and sound healing etc just the other day in this discussion thread. And then my partner's son plays my Gasong and reminds me that I have sound healing at my finger tips!! I love it how things that I need appear when I have a strong focus/intention.

The Global Summit looks very interesting, thanks for mentioning that. I just signed up. I have listened to Gabor Mate talk about the Myth of Normal before. The line up looks very mixed and varied which is great! An interesting selection of speakers. Can't wait!

take care and I hope you're both enjoying the weekend in some way,

dig

Re: I don't have a feeling of safety - complex PTSD & dissociation

Eagle Ray — Sat, 09 Sep 2023 00:19:29 GMT

Hi indigo,

I meant to say thank you for mentioning the mental health global summit. I will definitely have a look and try to see some of it. I know with such summits there is often the free version live or you can buy it if you are unable to view at the time. Hopefully I can catch some of it even with time zone differences. I love Gabor Mate’s work which has been hugely beneficial to me. Thanks again 🙏

Re: I don't have a feeling of safety - complex PTSD & dissociation

Eagle Ray — Sat, 09 Sep 2023 00:40:18 GMT

Hi Dig,

That is wonderful you had that feeling of unwinding in the acupuncture session. Those kinds of things can be so, so helpful. I had a Bowen Therapy appointment yesterday which I find helpful in the same way. It releases tension in the fascia throughout the body. She uses singing bowls in the session too. I actually started falling asleep which is a really good sign for me as I do not usually fall asleep easily in the presence of another. I usually remain quite hypervigilant. But I am experiencing more and more letting go of this hypervigilance over time. I had a stressful disturbing letter when I got home from a covert narcissist relative. It initially made me feel sick to my stomach (undoing some of the good work from the Bowen Therapy) but I’ve managed to let much of that go now and restore some goodness. So my body is learning to rebalance itself from feelings of threat back to feeling safer again.

I sent you a reply about half an hour ago to your post from yesterday but I think you posted just after so might have missed it. I am so glad you are feeling that deep relaxation - an awesome sign. I hope you and indigo have a lovely weekend too 🙏😊

Re: I don't have a feeling of safety - complex PTSD & dissociation

indigo22 — Sat, 09 Sep 2023 02:31:34 GMT

Hi dig & ER,

About the summit, I signed up last year and if I remember correctly, you can watch each of the speakers on video for 24 hours after their live presentation is finished. Makes it easier with the time difference. I noticed Sharon Salzburg is one of the speakers and she talks on Buddhist meditations. The film on Gabor Mate is mostly about his journey and I am going to watch it again, I really enjoyed it.

Acupuncture is great for moving energy and I think you will really benefit from it with a few sessions.

I used to see an osteopath years ago who also did acupuncture. I have only had acupuncture once and I had the most profound experience. After all the needles were placed, he said "I will just leave you to relax for a few minutes and then I'll be back". Soon after he left the room, with my eyes closed, I started flying around the room on the table, I was holding onto the hand grips for dear life and thinking "what the **** is happening". I must have been flying, ducking and weaving for about 2 minutes before I eventually landed. When he came back I told him what had happened and his explanation was that energy that is trapped has nowhere else to go but up and out through the crown chakra, which can cause hallucinations. I have never had another experience like it. I have never had another session because of my thing with needles, I couldn't relax, all I could think about during the session was getting the needles out of me 🤢

Relaxation is a difficult thing for me, even when I think I am relaxed, there is always tension in my shoulders and other areas. My psychotherapist works in a room at an osteopath's practice so I think I will try seeing the osteopath to work out a few of the chinks in the armour.

You are both doing a great job with healing your past trauma, I admire your strength in facing what a lot of people will avoid at all cost and you are setting an example for others to follow.

I hope you are both having a good day and enjoying the weekend.

indigo

Re: I don't have a feeling of safety - complex PTSD & dissociation

Eagle Ray — Sat, 09 Sep 2023 09:22:01 GMT

Thank you about the summit indigo. I remember now with the other summits I've watched how you have the 24 hours for each presentation. Last year I was watching a healing summit like that and had my phone with me as I did tasks throughout the day so I could keep listening. It was like binging on many hours of healing material. I will definitely look out for the Gabor Mate film. I have two of his books, When the Body Says No and The Myth of Normal. I'm still getting through the latter (it is big). The first book applies so directly to me and the health issues I have struggled with and why.

The energy going up through the crown chakra in your acupuncture experience makes so much sense. The experience I remember telling you and dig before about leaving my body and seeing it from above all happened through the crown chakra. I could feel this intense pulling up through there and next thing my body was tipping and then lifting. This was the same experience mentioned above following the healing song being sung to me. I had a subsequent profound experience through the crown chakra too a short while after that. I felt this energy come in through there and it was like all these little creatures went into my brain and were tinkering away repairing areas that had been damaged by trauma. I know it was another self-healing mechanism at work. Once these processes start they often keep unfolding, like the body and spirit know how to heal when there is a remembrance of how that healing can happen.

I totally understand about the challenge of relaxing. I think it is gradual as I could not do it for years either and still struggle with it. But slowly, at least here and there, there are inklings of it and the body starts to restore some kind of primal memory of what relaxation is.

Take care you and dig,

Re: I don't have a feeling of safety - complex PTSD & dissociation

Eagle Ray — Wed, 13 Sep 2023 12:31:43 GMT

Hi Indigoand Dig,

Indigo, I just wanted to say thank you for mentioning the summit. I actually watched/listened to all of the ones available today as I went about various tasks at home. I particularly enjoyed and found helpful Gabor Maté, Thema Bryant, Cassandra Vieten and Chief Phil Lane Jnr.

I wrote notes from the Gabor Maté one as I got so much from it. I totally connect with the understanding of "mental illness" as embodied, and anxiety and depression as linked with trauma and core woundings rather than stand alone conditions in so many instances. I liked the quote Gabor Maté gave from Hans Selye:

The biggest stress of all is trying to be who you're not.

I really related to the statement that the most sacred thing is to be yourself, and so many of us with a trauma history got pushed off the path of being connected to ourselves.

I like the quiz that he suggests you do with yourself too:

What am I not saying no to?

What is the impact of not saying no?

What is my belief around not saying no?

What am I not saying yes to?

I could definitely apply the above to my own life, especially as I'm learning to say no at the moment and getting huge benefits to my mental/emotional and physical well-being as a result, and I feel even by extension the spiritual as you start to follow your heart and spirit once you say no to the things that aren't good for you but you kept doing because of a trauma history. I'm finding I'm now able to say yes to a much more positive looking future as I let go of past patterns, feelings of obligation and pressure, etc.

I hope you don't mind me writing about these things in your thread Dig. I just thought they might be helpful in relation to the topic of feeling safety. The very reason I've had such a hard time saying no in my life is the fear of drastic consequences of rage from others if I do. I'm overcoming my fears now of others reactions and feeling empowered to act in my own interests. I'm learning to make myself safe and have a strong, healthy boundary.

I hope you are both having a good week,

Re: I don't have a feeling of safety - complex PTSD & dissociation

indigo22 — Thu, 14 Sep 2023 09:09:05 GMT

Hi ER & dig,

Sorry I have been a little bit busy this week but should have more time to post in the next few days. I am glad you are getting something from the summit and I agree with you, that is a good discussion with Gabor, I also liked Thema and might add her book to my reading list at some point. I haven't been able to find a link to Gabor's film yet, called The Wisdom of Trauma, so I might email them tomorrow to ask how and when we are able to access it, I think you will both get a lot out of it.

I really like Peter Coyote from today's episodes, he was on last year also, something authentic and serene about him. Still listening to some of the others, will converse more when I have a bit more time.

Hope you are both well,

indigo

Re: I don't have a feeling of safety - complex PTSD & dissociation

Eagle Ray — Thu, 14 Sep 2023 09:41:25 GMT

Hi Indigo and Dig,

I've had a few people recommend the Wisdom of Trauma so it is one I would like to see too. I liked Thema's compassion and wisdom and I'd like to have a read of her book too. I have so many books on my to do list! So far today I've had some other things on and I've only been able to listen to Tara Brach and James Doty, both which I got something from. I hope to listen to a couple more before bed. I'd like to listen to Peter Coyote and a few of the others.

Bye for now,

Re: I don't have a feeling of safety - complex PTSD & dissociation

divine_inner_goddess — Fri, 15 Sep 2023 05:41:50 GMT

Hi Eagle Ray & Indigo,

Hello! I have been reading your messages, thank you so much for your comments and insights. I have not had a chance to reply until now....

And yes, I am more than happy for comments about the mental health summit in this thread- I am enjoying listening to it, too. We can be a mental health summit "study group".

I had another acupuncture treatment today. I am finding it soooooooo helpful. I noticed after the last treatment that it was as if the fight/flight & freeze "switch" in my brain had been turned off - just like that. I had been revving the engine, with one the foot on the accelerator and one foot on the brake and all that energy was stuck inside my body. But when the "switch" was turned off, the energy released and dissipated pretty spontaneously. I could feel the muscles in my neck and shoulders melting and my chest expanding. It became easier to breathe.

And then, I noticed that the things I usually do for my mental health started to have more of an impact:

Meditation - I notice a sense of calm and stillness in my mind and body.

Mindfulness - I am more aware of the sensations in my body and therefore what I need.

Breathing slowly and evenly - I feel relaxed.

Moving my body - I feel grounded.

Restorative yoga poses - I feel my body open, relax and surrender.

Walking along the beach - I feel a sense of playfulness and freedom.

Relating to people = easier in a state of relaxation.

So, I started to get a sense of connection between the things I am doing, and the result. It helps to build a sense of agency - I can do something to change the state my body is in. As opposed to a sense of helplessness, where I am doing all these good things for myself but it's not changing anything and I am STILL unwell. When that "switch" is ON, nothing works/helps and it perpetuates the sense of helplessness. When the "switch" is OFF, all the things such as breathing, meditation, mindfulness, yoga, moving etc etc etc can produce a tangible result.

I think my brain is rewiring....... !!

Eagle Ray, thank you for sharing about your difficulties with saying no, but also the benefits to your wellbeing as you are learning to say no to what is not good for you. Yes, it's ok to post about it, for sure. I can definitely relate to that trauma history of being afraid to say no because of the drastic consequences of rage from others. It's frightening. And, I can relate to feeling more connected to my heart and spirit and saying yes to a more positive life. This week I was able to identify that something was not okay for me and communicate it. That is a HUGE achievement for me. I was in my meditation class online. Someone in the group wanted the session recorded. The teacher asked if everyone was okay with that. I felt a cringe in my body and noticed the thought "oooh yuk, no, I don't want to be videoed while I am meditating!". And so I said out aloud, "no, I don't want to be videoed or recorded at all". The teacher respected this and we went ahead without recording. Yay for me!!!!!!! Previously,

a) I wouldn't have noticed the cringe in my body,

b) I would have been too scared to speak up, and

c) I would have been tense and 'on alert' all through the meditation and then probably not return to the class without realising why.

I'll write more about the summit later,

dig

Re: I don't have a feeling of safety - complex PTSD & dissociation

Eagle Ray — Fri, 15 Sep 2023 09:25:40 GMT

Dear dig and indigo,

Dig, what you say about the brake and accelerator being deployed at the same time I can definitely relate to. A few years ago I read a couple of books on trauma by Robert Scaer, The Body Bears the Burden and The Trauma Spectrum. In those books he describes how the fight-or-flight and freeze systems can be activated simultaneously. He is a neurologist who eventually healed his own trauma through somatic experiencing work. He treated people with motor vehicle injuries over a few decades, and found that those that went on to develop conditions such as fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue, IBS etc after a motor accident trigger almost always had a trauma history, and also had this dual activation of the fight-or-flight and freeze systems. He could see definitive links between chronic health conditions and trauma.

I'm so glad that switch turned off for you. That's really wonderful you had all those positive experiences in the activities you mention. I think it does all start to flow when the rest-and-digest parasympathetic system switches on. It's also called the ventral vagal system which is the mammalian social engagement system (that Stephen Porges talks about in Polyvagal Theory), which does make it easier to relate to others and feel safe too. I know if my fear system gets activated my capacity to socially engage shuts down and I will just withdraw from people all together. But even though I can't always control that, I'm now at least aware of what it is when it happens, which makes it a little easier and I think reduces how long that state goes on for. I also have a sense of how I need to activate via an action (doing something) to mobilise myself out of freeze.

It is just awesome you have that feeling of your brain rewiring. I'm quite sure that is actually what happens. You start to build new synaptic connections and experience a different reality. And it is fantastic too you were able to say no to having the meditation video-taped. I also would have once been reluctant to speak up and would have just gone along with it even if I didn't feel comfortable with it. But I am learning to say no too to things that my instincts tell me I don't want to happen. Good on you for saying how you feel and I'm glad that was respected and you could go through the meditation without that internal cringe and discomfort.

I've only watched two of the summit today, Sharon Salzberg and Eranda Jayawickreme. I got something from both. With Eranda's one I could really relate to some of the discourses around post traumatic growth and the pressure that is sometimes put on trauma survivors to be resilient in recovery but in a way that isn't sensitive to the process that they're in and the time it takes to process and deal with trauma.

I'll try to watch some more of it tonight. I really want to watch the Kristin Neff one because her stuff on compassion is really helpful. If you haven't seen it, she does a great TED Talk on self-compassion.

Take care and hope you both have a lovely weekend.