topic I am back in PTSD and trauma

I am back

Mum Chris — Tue, 26 Oct 2021 02:05:04 GMT

Hi,

I am starting back on treatment for ComlexPTSD. I thought last year was bad but this year just got worse. I was dealing with a child that was agressive and intimidated and scared me so much. My husband wanted him out of the house but I refused to do it. A mum doesn't turn her back on her children. Well I couldn't fix it and the Police got involved and it was so bad so so bad. I feel like I failed everyone and now i am dealing with the loss and grief involved with untreated mental illness and my child refused to go to a facility so was locked up in jail and may go to prison for a long time.The sadness got so bad I ended up in hospital and I speak to a counsellor and will see a trauma specialist soon. I wanted to go to emergnecy and just get into hospital for mental health treatment but I work and my husband doesn't want to be left alone. I still might but i am trying to get outpatient care set up so I can get free from this sadness. I have all the classic PTSD triggers, loud noises, intrusive thoughts bad sleep nightmares and physically i am not doing great. I am down a dark invisible hole and people around me can't see it and when i try to explain it i cry and can't talk. That's one of the things that happened to me when the initmidation got very scary i lost my voice i would lan to spewak up and say NO but I just stuttered and fumbled and froze. I can't believe i was ready to leave my husband so I didn't have to face standing up to my son. This is how I feel - I had 1 job and that was to raise a healthy happy child and I failed.
I have enrolled in a physical rehab to get some fitness back and I watch funny shows to get my laughter back. My counsellor said yesterday to pick my grief up off my pillow and stick it in a cupboard and shut the door and say not today Grief you can just stay there today I am going to be free of you. She also says he had choices to make and he chose to act that way and to do those things
I am really not that great and I am pretending to be OK. I smile at people and sort am able to work but i can't wash a dish or cook a meal its a huge task now.

Anyone sorry for the downer I am just trying to be honest.

I am back

Sophie_M — Tue, 26 Oct 2021 03:57:51 GMT

Hi Mum Chris,

We’re so sorry to hear about what’s going on for you and your family right now. That must be incredibly difficult. It sounds like there’s a lot going on, and we’re glad you could share this here.

Please remember you can talk to Blue Knot about this on 1300 657 380, every day between 9-5 (AEDT). Their counsellors are great at talking things through and understanding complex trauma. They also have some resources on their website which could be useful to visit, particularly the pages on Survivors Self Care. The Beyond Blue helpline is here for you as well, on 1300 22 4636, or via our webchat or email here. It can make a real difference having someone to talk to especially in moments of distress. There’s also our friends over at 1800 Respect on 1800 737 732 or via webchat here.

We also think it could be useful for you to call Carers Australia on 1800 422 737. It is so important that you look after yourself during these times and they can help you, or just be there if you want to talk.

We’re glad you’re finding the support of the counsellor is helpful. It sounds like you’re working hard and making some really inspiring steps towards feeling better.

Please don't be sorry for the downer, this community and our counsellors are here for you, and you're more than welcome to share here. We really appreciate the strength it takes to do so. It might take some time for our kind community to spot your post, but we’re sure they will soon be here to offer their kind words and understanding.

Kind regards,

Sophie M

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Mum Chris — Tue, 26 Oct 2021 10:16:12 GMT

Hi Sophie

I didn’t know about those services I will check it out. Thank you

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Mum Chris — Tue, 26 Oct 2021 21:42:32 GMT

Hi Croix

thank you for the nice words and I have been told I am very strong and loving too but I think it’s that I’m on a treadmill and life keeps coming and I keep moving. I tend to crumple when I’m alone and just let all the terrible thoughts and fears crush me. I do need to get some control over my thoughts and I will check that app out.
I was very angry with my husband he was at first pushing me to stand up to my son and put in some boundaries etc and then when he saw that it was not going to get better he wanted me to tell my son to leave and after that didn’t happen he wanted to leave and I was forcing him to stay. I knew that without my husband there I would be in a more dangerous situation. Sometimes I would be lying next to my husband while he slept and would hear noises and an evolving dangerous situation and know he would protect me physically. He couldn’t protect my emotions because I wouldn’t let go of trying to fix my son. I was completely trapped. I wanted my husband to agree with me and he didn’t he saw extreme unacceptable narcissistic behaviour that was dangerous and normal people remove themselves from the situation. Now my husband has signs of trauma too and may need therapy. We both have cried and he nearly lost me when I tried to hurt myself. It took a long time for him to feel safe leaving me alone. He checks on me and gives me massive compliments talks about plans for future. Our relationship did become sick and he did put too much pressure on me but what could anyone do he was in a no win situation. I’m sad panicking and terrified of everything and he sad and angry at himself and my son for hurting me. My son is a full grown adult and he moved home and took over our life and I had this pre existing PTSD and went into survival mode and my husband was shocked and confused because I was not me anymore. I was in a war trying to stay safe and not be killed I was a little weak girl again. Not strong independent woman years of therapy had enabled me to be. He married healthy strong giggly me and within 3 years of my son being home I was this new person that would fly into an hysterical panic and try and keep quiet. I was totally sick again.

I am back

Croix — Wed, 27 Oct 2021 09:39:16 GMT

Dear Mum Chris~

OK you may feel being told you have a inner core of strenght is a bad match and not deserved, you put it another way "I’m on a treadmill and life keeps coming and I keep moving" which I guess is the same thing, just seems less complimentary. And if you crumple when alone OK, different face with others.

Still you do keep on moving. And that is the same person who has it inside her to respond to therapy and become a "healthy strong giggly me" when given the chance.

You are judging yourself too hard, (I fell into that trap too). CPTSD is a big injury, and you cannot judge yourself as if you did not have that injury. You are trying for your son, and your husband, your reactions may not be what you might ideally like, but your are still keeping moving.

From whay you have said I'm uncertain if your husband is a loving type and really concerned about you. I'm going to assume he is - if I'm assuming too much let me know.

Suggesting boundaries is pretty standard, and if you are in constant distress watching you is painful, as is wondering if you are going to harm yourself or even take your life. Under those circumstances either leaving to get away from the pain, or demanding the source of your distress be sent away is understandable - if ineffective against a mother's love.

He may have taken a long time to allow himself to leave you alone, it may well be that fear is still there though he might mask it a bit more. If so have you considered including him in a Safety Plan - something I have and think most people who self harm or think of trying to take their lives should have

I suggest BeyondNow, free for a smartphone

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/beyondnow-suicide-safety-planning

It is surprisingly hard to fill in, not so much the obvious emergency contacts, but the self-care bits you can do yourself. I found I needed someone else to help me remember what they were - things I had enjoyed, been calmed and soothed by. I have specific YouTube clips, specific books, movies and other activities. Specific is important as when in distress the brain does not think well

If you let him in to help with that - and not just the once, but look out for different things as time goes on then he may feel a comfort in that he is helping and has a tiny measure of say in what happens. Does this seem reasonable to you?

I'm running out of space and do not wish to overload you with my experiences in one message anyway.

I hope we can keep on talking

Croix

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Mum Chris — Wed, 27 Oct 2021 12:13:19 GMT

Hi Croix

thank you I did appreciate being told I have strength and am doing well etc. it often falls flat in front of me and I cover it with self hatred. I have a lot of that. I’m very secretive and hide what’s happening and don’t include anyone in on what’s happening. I take the emotional blow and pretend nothing happened. Had a phone call recently that was immensely disturbing and threatened my safety and didn’t tell my husband. A few days later I was another mess and finally told him and he said I’m so sorry that happened you shouldn’t have to deal with that. I do need to let him in and I will look at what you suggested.
I feel my pain is mine to deal with and not to share maybe. I do need a safety plan as I can go from ok to not so fast. I never thought about that I have an asthma plan so why not a safety plan for my mental health. I also have a safety plan and extra security and a safe room for my physical safety. I have hundreds of intrusive thoughts that keep me fairly busy and I tend to sit so we have been watching comedies and eating healthy. The shows stop the chatter and the foods yum. I’m a practical person and doing things and planning does make me feel safe. I have a wonderful dog too that is very caring he’s within arms reach all the time he follows me everywhere and won’t leave my side. He saw everything and was glued to my husband for safety after and since I ended up needing ambulance and was gone he’s been my offsider. If he sees me getting upset he stands in front of me and stares in my face. He’s an angel i pat him and say sorry I’m ok. Best anxiety medicine ever

FYI my husband is not perfect he’s just a quiet guy he’s not a bully can be selfish and annoying. He’s a terrible communicator so that’s awesome with me being shutdown.
today was a good day one of my best I felt more in control unburdened maybe.

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Mum Chris — Fri, 29 Oct 2021 06:26:40 GMT

I think I took over someone else’s posts. Still getting used to the forum.
I’m feeling sad and alone again and I’m shutting out my husband. I can see he’s getting hurt but I can’t help him. I’m also brutally honest just now. I save my nice for work.
how does everyone deal with personal relationships when your/my outlook is so bleak. Do I smile and make a joke and pretend. I’m home and a blubbering sad mess.

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Croix — Fri, 29 Oct 2021 08:59:57 GMT

Dear Mum Chris ~

You asked "how does everyone deal with personal relationships when your/my outlook is so bleak"

OK, all I can do is tell you what happened to me and my wife. I was in the worst throes of PTSD, anxiety and depression, and not a nice person to be with at all, no 'nice' mask there. Being overtaken by the past, withdrawn, no intimacy, wanting to be by myself, snarling and resentful - angry.

My wife started off being very hurt at my seeming rejection of her, also she got it in her head she was at least partly responsible for my behaviour -utter nonsense. I don't know how she stuck it out, the only up-side was she had her mum for support.

I knew I was being a b. I felt very bad about it even when angry and just wanting to be alone. I took her to my psych who explained to her that my behaviour was a well known set of symptoms for my illness -and NOT her fault.

At the same time I had moments when I genuinely wanted to make things better for her, the best I could manage though was the occasional cuppa unasked. As I had the shakes a lot ended up in the saucer, still she got my message.

When later on I asked her why on earth she stayed she simply said 'love'.

Dunno if that helps

Croix

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Mum Chris — Fri, 29 Oct 2021 10:24:06 GMT

Croix

thats so sweet you have a keeper. I opened my safety plan downloaded and filled out yesterday and shared with hubby. He went downhill yesterday and was not supportive loving self. I think it was a bit hard to read my danger signs. When I land on a psych I can stay with I’m going to drag him to a session just so he can understand. He used to say in the good times about me that I was laughter and giggles and 3 seconds later tears and I’d shake it off and then I’d be laughing again. That was healthy me. After a massive sustained drawn out trauma that had nothing to do with him now to him I’m not recognisable. I’m full CPTSD and my head is busy and I jump at slightest noise, crying and stopped talking. When he speaks to me and I can’t understand what he’s saying it’s like he’s speaking another language. I just look at him say what why are you telling me this really do I need to understand your computer files it’s all gibberish. He still has interests and tries to involve me.
Tonight I realised I was crying and confused and couldn’t speak so I followed my plan. Hugged my dog listened to relaxation music and positive affirmations and then went found him and we went to vege patch for a walk outside.
It shocks me how dark I can get how did I let this happen to me. It’s a constant struggle to stop being overwhelmed. I wanted to check in to a hospital just to rest and get help some days I’m really not ok. Instead I took time off work I’m going to go gym have a massage and spend time with mum who’s in a hospice with end stage dementia. So the mum that didn’t protect me I’ve been caring for and protecting her. I just can’t hate her she’s turned into a lovely sweet woman and I go play baby dolls with her. She can’t talk but loves toy dogs and baby dolls. I was told to say goodbye to her last month and we stopped all her meds and she’s still with us. 2020 and 2021 have been a lot for me and nothing to do with anything except family toxic relationships.
My in-laws have stepped in recently and adopted me and have been dropping in and helping me with yard work and hugs when they found out. When I was a bit stronger I let them know a bit of what had happened and they instantly understood my pain. They don’t push they know I’m not ok they just turn up. Anyway rambling

I am back

Mum Chris — Fri, 29 Oct 2021 21:30:39 GMT

mmMekitty

I didn’t know about the help line I will call maybe Monday my first day home alone. Always a danger time for me.
I slept last night not all night but I feel like I got a rest.
I’m still very fearful that I’m going to be hurt again. Will I be able to defend myself and protect myself and I realised no probably not. I feel I’ve lost 50% of my family because of a toxic person and situation I was unable to fix. I still love them and I miss what I wanted my family to be. I don’t miss the control and the intimidation and being put down or being sworn at and threatened. I don’t miss not knowing if I was going to be in a dangerous situation today or not. I don’t miss having strangers brought into my house all hours of the night and day. There’s so much I’m so happy to be free of but I’m left feeling powerless and scared and sooooo sad. I have a counsellor and she talks to me about physical safety issues like calling the police as soon as bail conditions are breached she calls to check that nothings happened but she talks about entitlement that’s what has happened to me. Individuals feel they are entitled to hurt take use or whatever and the damage that does to your mind body and emotions. How it steals your voice and takes the air out of your lungs. It’s exactly how it is for me. The air around me gets sucked away and I’m powerless and voiceless. My GP talks about and treated the cortisol and heart rate and blood pressure issues and the huge damage poor sleep does to your health. Without the toxic environment I only need pills at night to help me sleep. They sort of work but I have terrible nightmares so I started listening to relaxation and positive affirmations while I sleep and I think it’s helping. im really not sure why and how I became the tiny child that was abused again and why I lost the grown woman that had opinions and did her life her way. Maybe I never got better I was just fooling myself and it was only a matter of time before I exploded into a million pieces again. I have been bullied at work and put down and belittled as well and I avoided and never confronted them. during last few months of the terrible time with family the person would say your a coward weak as piss and it’s a true assessment because a healthy person would have followed that with you have 1 hour to get your shit get the f out before I call the police. plan for today today I will go to gym kiss my husband and smile at him and lock away my grief for now

I am back

Sophie_M — Fri, 29 Oct 2021 22:30:16 GMT

Hey Mum Chris,

Good morning and thank you for posting on the Beyond Blue forums today. We're concerned to hear you aren't in a safe environment at the moment. Please know there are a number of options available to help you through this difficult situation if needed.

We would urge that you contact 1800RESPECT. They offer confidential information, counselling and support 24/7 for people impacted by sexual assault, domestic or family violence and abuse. The lovely supportive counsellors have a lot of experience offering advice to people in similar situations to your own. You can contact them on 1800 737 732 or https://www.1800respect.org.au/

And if ever you feel unsafe, please contact triple zero and ask for the police.

We know it has taken courage for you to share your story today, so thank you. We hope that you can find some comfort in the forums and please feel free to keep us updated here on your thread throughout your journey.

I am back

Mum Chris — Fri, 29 Oct 2021 23:12:38 GMT

Hi Sophie

the danger has been removed from my home.

I am back

Croix — Sat, 30 Oct 2021 13:30:07 GMT

Dear Mum Chris~

First off I'm glad the danger is no longer present, if I understand matters correctly that was your son, who was let out on bail. I'd imagine in time without that constant threat there will be a big difference in how you feel.

Yes it is sad part of your family is lost, however that was their choice by devaluing you, threatening you and behaving in a toxic manner, not much consolation I know. We don't always have a choice in how children behave.

Secondly and maybe more importantly you were not fooling yourself, it was a genuine and big improvement, a significant thing - and that ability is still in you, then and now; even if you retreated for a while - which happens.

As far as not standing up in the dangerous situation and getting help from police or others I think you are expecting far too much from yourself, and that is at least partly lack of experience of how others react."a coward weak as piss" is utter rubbish.

I was a policeman and can assure you that most "healthy" people threatened, either by family or strangers, will go though exactly what you did, with being unable to breath and virtually paralyzed -voiceless. It may not seem very glamorous but is natural and very often the best thing to do. The same applies with being bullied.

People even go though exactly the same when coming home to find there has been a burglar there .

It is only later, perhaps with support of others, that sometimes action can be taken.

It may sound hard but try to give yourself some slack, things have been terrible and that makes a huge difference.

!800RESPECT may well be able to assist you in your loss and grief, or point to to someone who can. Going it alone and being strong for others may not be the easiest way to do things.

You may find something in common with the parents on this thread, which is long, but includes many people in related situations:

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/long-term-support-over-the-journey/sadness-grief-and-regret-over-sons-incarceration

I'm hoping you will now have a chance to start to feel better and more in control

Croix

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Mum Chris — Sun, 31 Oct 2021 08:31:00 GMT

Thank you

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Mum Chris — Mon, 01 Nov 2021 05:42:20 GMT

Hi Croix

i read through the posts of parents with incarcerated kids and while a lot of the pain and grief is the same the situation is totally different. I could feel their anguish but they had hope. Drugs and crime is not the issue and if it was all it was I’d have same feelings as them hope.
We are left to rebuild our lives after doing everything I could do to get him to seek mental health care but he feels that we are wrong and he has the right to hurt me and threaten me. He’s repeating his father’s behaviour and his father was sneaky cunning and enjoyed hurting. He hasn’t changed and has gone on to hurt more woman and his other children that took him in when I disappeared with my kids.
Hurt people don’t have to hurt and as you said he made a decision. I just think he thought I would continue to protect him and provide for him. When he realised he went to far he went all in. I’m shocked I raised that if you know what I mean. He’s lost me forever I can never trust him again. I don’t see that changing

i didn’t expect this would bring back all my past traumas and scramble my brain so I have a hard time communicating. I can on here but face to face I stutter and can’t speak. So much crying and despair till I thought I’d never be able to survive. My husband is not in a good way either being around this much chaos is not healthy. I’m going to apply for funding to cover some medical care and see how it goes the police said we are entitled given the seriousness of the events. Before I couldn’t handle the form it was so upsetting.
today was a good day did gardening and hubby’s kept an eye on me and he can see I’m doing better and can be trusted on my own.

I am back

Croix — Mon, 01 Nov 2021 09:41:38 GMT

Dear Mum Chris~

I'm glad you read them anyway, it may lend a little towards seeing yourself as not being quite alone, though in different circumstances. How much of the hope you read will be realized is another matter.

It is true that entitlement and cruelty is in a category of its own, and I do know what you mean about your shock - anyone would feel that way.

Unfortunately people that set out to hurt seem very often to have an instinct as to what buttons to push, what are the tender areas. Your offspring found yours and set you back, partly I would presume becuse you had something similar with his father, history repeating itself. Of course you will no longer trust him, for me trust would have been broken permanently in these circumstances.

You will build back up again, and I would not be surprised if the process was quicker this time. Your hubby sounds as if he cares, and that is great, despite any shortcomings and vulnerabilities he might have.

In fact your rebuilding is already under way, that resolve to complete the form for medical assistance points to that as it was something you could not do before. If you cannot speak the words you need to your husband then write them down as you do here, you make perfect sense in writing.

Does he have any form of support (apart from yourself)?

Please do keep on letting us know how you go

Croix

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quirkywords — Mon, 01 Nov 2021 11:01:52 GMT

Mum chris

Croix has given you supportive comments.

You have suffered so much but I see some who feels so determined and has insight into their problem. Also you are willing to try new things and to change. Glad you enjoyed the gardening.
by writing your honest posts you help others who read your words so they don’t feel alone.

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Mum Chris — Tue, 02 Nov 2021 21:08:07 GMT

Hi Croix

Thats a good idea writing to my husband what I feel and what I’m trying to communicate. We can get into a disagreement over small things like planning new garden beds and it ends up being that I’m thinking or wanting the same as him but we think we are disagreeing. He got so frustrated and said I trust you go buy what you want and tell me where to plant them. He’s got no support and instantly support was offered to me and nothing for him. He even noticed it and when I went to hospital no one offered him support. It’s my main reason for trying to get some funding and also recoup some expenses because I refused to come home for a while and he had to pay for accommodation and then the security system to make me feel safe. He feels anger guilt hopelessness too maybe not as much as me And I can be demanding and difficult my walls are up and my fight mode is on. No one’s telling me what or how to do anything. I’m really irritable and demanding I suppose but raw emotion is not fun for me or those around me. I’m even sensitive around my friends and family I think they don’t like me or I upset them. Honestly he could be in the running for a sainthood 😂 some days I’m like a cornered animal and get close I’ll scratch you to pieces.
im filling days with healthy things. Actions I can do now I’m not in a ball in my bed. Gym yesterday and got a pedicure and I hate getting them but I like having bright toenails they make me happy and I took me to lunch and ordered dinner from restaurant. Today I’m getting hard to reach windows cleaned and putting on a pretty frock and meeting my closest friend who I pushed away last year for a light lunch and maybe a cocktail. I’m treating my mental health break from work like a holiday.
im taking a lot of vitamins and hormone cream my dr prescribed and currently I’m only taking a melatonin at night. I still have my other drugs if I need them but most of what I was taking was to control acute anxiety from living with stress and also heaps of drugs for autoimmune diseases and they seem to be better. My diet has drastically changed to we are eating meat and veg and cut out sugar and anything my body can make into sugar the change was for my immune issues. I bought some baked goods for in-laws visit and ate some and got a headache. So maybe that’s a needed change for me now. I’m not into radical diets or philosophies as it can become part of my mental health issues but I was getting physically sick and prediabetic.

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Mum Chris — Tue, 02 Nov 2021 21:29:13 GMT

Hi quirkywords

Thank you for posting it helps getting feedback and exchange of views. I really don’t mesh well with people now and I don’t have people to talk to mainly because I shut them out. I reacted badly when they said that I was giving too much of my life to my son and I didn’t want to hear it so I isolated. I’m slowly reconnecting but when I do talk to them about a tiny bit of what I feel they cry. I can’t handle that I cry enough don’t need more tears so I try and keep conversation light but then I come off as manic. They ask questions and want to know what and why. I’m honestly not ok yet but I owe it to the rest of the family to try and get better. I may not ever get over the grief of losing contact with my son and grandchildren or that I still worry about them are they ok how are they surviving but I need to put it at the back of my mind. I have serious mental health issues that I need to address and work with a psych to heal again.
This is the time for me to focus on me But I need to also soften my attitude to people and be more trusting and kinder. I am kind outwardly but mentally I’m not so kind if you know what I mean.
🤦🏼‍♀️
Reading other posts really helps me and I can see improvement and hope. I can see and feel despair and pain and I see a faction of the community that I can relate to and understand and that understand me and don’t judge.

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Mum Chris — Wed, 03 Nov 2021 06:13:41 GMT

live had a little setback canceled plans for today and feeling a little lost. A super aggressive neighbour leaned on my gate bell for over 10 minutes I couldn’t see anyone in the cameras and freaked out then she climbed up on the side fence and started screaming abuse at me honestly it was relief it was her I thought it was my son. Still I couldn’t calm down I called my husband let him hear her and he said don’t put up with that I went to my safe room and called police. I put a nice note in her letterbox to tell them the dogs were attacking the fence and digging under to get to us and it only happens when they go out. I was super nice and apologetic for complaining but told her they were scaring me. Stupid mistake showed I’m weak. Why was I apologising for her dogs aggressive behaviour they have gotten into our yard now twice. I went into full snot faced terror and can’t stop crying. The police came back said she was stressed and she wanted us to stop harassing her. Seriously this is why you don’t call the police. I must have a neon sign saying attack. Lying gets you a free pass. I don’t know what to do we have dogs attacking me through a fence and digging under and running through our yard. My dog is super protective and if he hurts their dog what happens to him. The police woman said don’t stay home alone go out have a good day I called my friend said can we still go out she said no made other plans already. I Canceled and 30 minutes later tried to see her again and I was honest about why I had canceled and she had decided to stay have lunch with her friends. I used to be part of the friend group and now I’m kept seperate. This hurts me more than the violent munchkin at my door.