topic Re: Years of childhood abuse in PTSD and trauma

Years of childhood abuse

Sej — Mon, 28 Nov 2022 21:24:12 GMT

Hi, This is my 1st time posting. I have been through years of sexual, emotional, and physical abuse when I was a child. It started when I was 6. I buried everything as much as I could when I became an adult. I didn't want people to worry, and I couldn't cope with it. I put myself in a horrible workplace. and I struggled and became suicidal. I knew I needed help and started seeing a Psychologist. I have been seeing her since July. I recently did the ptsd test and got 64 points. It was a good yet terrifying feeling. My thoughts and emotions weren't made up. I am seeing my Psychologist twice a week as I am having repressed memories come back and recurring nightmares. I struggle with trust and I am so scared that my Psychologist won't want to see me anymore. She has made it abundantly clear she is there for me, but I can't help it. I am still trying to process the past, the future, the therapy. My head is like a tornado, just filled with insults, abuse, hate towards myself, memories and pain. Will this stop?

Re: Years of childhood abuse

smallwolf — Tue, 29 Nov 2022 11:46:23 GMT

hello and welcome. I cannot look into the future and tell you what will happen. I can tell you about my experience and hopefully some of that might resonate with you...

I have been seeing a psychologist and psychiatrist for a number of years now and things seem to be turning around for me at the moment. I am going to take it while it is there. I can still be critical with myself etc. there is an element of patience involved.

I can also ask myself - am I better compared to last week/month/year

I have stories I can tell myself or remind myself about the journey with my well being and mental health.

I also tell myself I am a work in progress.

End of my story,

You should have had to experience what you did when you were a child, and i cannot imagine the effect it had on you. You were/are also brave in getting professional help and in writing your post here. If nothing else, hopefully others will learn from your story. You deserve to find some happiness and good memories.

Re: Years of childhood abuse

Summer Rose — Tue, 29 Nov 2022 11:49:32 GMT

Hi Sej

Welcome to the forums and congratulations on having the courage to reach out. Please know that you have arrived at a safe and non-judgmental place of support.

I’m terribly sorry for the abuse and trauma that you experienced as a child. I can only imagine how difficult it is for you to process the past and map out your future. Hugs to you.

You should be so proud of the effort you have put in and the work you are doing to heal. You have done an amazing job to get to a place to take your first steps.

I really want to encourage you to keep moving forward.

I honestly believe that there is always hope for better days ahead. You have much to gain through perseverance, despite the challenges you are currently experiencing. Hang in there because you are worth the effort.

Kind thoughts to you

Re: Years of childhood abuse

lennon11 — Tue, 29 Nov 2022 12:33:23 GMT

Hi Sej and welcome. I am glad you felt comfortable to post here and to share your experiences. There are people here like myself who care and can relate.

I'm sorry to hear that it's been such a rough time for you lately, that sounds really intense and difficult. Well done in seeking help from a psychologist to help you get through this hard time. Just being aware of your symptoms like you have been is a powerful part of taking care of yourself, and over time and with the help of your psychologist, these symptoms can absolutely be decreased or stopped.

Personally, I've also experienced years of childhood abuse, and repressed the memories until a couple of years ago. For me, that initial phase when the memories were resurfacing (which it sounds like you're in now) was by far the hardest. In my experience it has gotten a lot easier to deal with all of that over time.

For me, seeing a psychiatrist and starting medication was a big help in toning down the memories, triggers and intrusive thoughts. They used to be very strong and would consume my days entirely, but now they don't impact me as strongly. I've also benefited from therapy as well and that's great you have a kind psychologist in place to share your experiences with. Your psychologist would also be able to help you challenge those self-hatred thoughts in a safe way, so that their intensity could decrease.

Small every day things can be helpful too. When you're in the thick of it, prioritising the basics for yourself is an amazing start. Eating, drinking water, hygiene, a little movement/exercise. If you can, I would suggest also trying to do one small thing every day that you enjoy - maybe doing a few minutes of a hobby you like, or getting a food/drink item that you like. You are dealing with massive things internally, and you deserve to rest and show yourself kindness even if it's hard.

It sounds like you've been doing really well with things even though it's been hard. Keep doing what you're doing and most importantly rest and slow down when you need it.

It won't feel this hard forever.

Re: Years of childhood abuse

Sej — Wed, 30 Nov 2022 07:34:23 GMT

Thank you everyone for the replies. They were greatly appreciated and what I needed to read. I had a cry over them.

These last few days have been really hard. I am spiralling and don't want to do this anymore. I wish I could forget everything again and go back to burying it. I have my Psychologist appointment tomorrow and I am petrified that she will say sorry you can't be helped.

Everyone says you have one life, so don't waste it. Mine was wasted at 6. I am just going through the motions now. Like a robot, well programmed to pretend happiness. Well programmed to just function each day.

I have just started ideal parenting techniques with my Psychologist. We have done it once, and I was emotional about it. I never realised how much I missed out on until I imagined better.

I wish I could fast forward this year.

Re: Years of childhood abuse

Croix — Thu, 01 Dec 2022 12:12:37 GMT

Dear Sej~

By now you will have seen your psychologist again and I'm sure she will not have said you can't be helped.

I also think you cannot fast-forward though the coming year -you need it for therapy and a start to recovery. As for wasting you life, you are not, instead you are building (even if it seems to be worse at the moment).

My psychiatrist told me that my mind was unearthing buried memories (I havePTSD) becuse it had reached the stage where it was possible to deal with them.

That did not mean an instant fix, it meant working through meds and therapy and lifestyle until a measure of control was reached.

Getting some control is immensely satisfying and generates (quite rightly) hope. As time went on the dwelling on the past, flashbacks, general preoccupation, nightmares and lack of worth got less.

Now I'm happy with who I am - not just a mask for others - and have reached a recovery point where I'm glad to be alive and do not wake up each morning dreading life.

By the sound of it your psychologist is being sensible, giving you a glimpse of a loving family so you can gain perspective on what you have had to endure instead.

If someone in the medical profession was ever silly enough to say you can't be helped then it really means they are not able to help, and you simply change to one that can.

All this can be overwhelming, are you by yourself or do you have anyone to support you, maybe a friend or partner?

We are here for you and if you felt like telling us how you have got on we would be delighted

Croix

That does not mean thoughts of hte past never intrude, but I cna deal with them.

Re: Years of childhood abuse

Sej — Thu, 01 Dec 2022 15:50:06 GMT

Hi, my Psychologist emailed me in the morning. She started it like this;

Thank you for this email. I can hear how difficult it is to keep going, and how determined you are not to quit. I will help you do this.

I was in ED at the time for an unrelated matter (I have injured my knee), and I had to hold back my emotions.

Then at the beginning of the appointment she straight away reassured me that she has no intention of telling me no. Of leaving me to fight by myself. And that she will write something for me to refer to between sessions to remind me of that.

She said that with what I have been through fear of abandonment is perfectly normal.

She spoke from the heart and was compassionate, comforting and reassuring through the whole session.

By the end we were even laughing. I am really grateful to have her help me on my journey, even though I have a lot of doubts and irrational fear.

I am also extremely grateful for the beyond blue community and counsellors. Without you I would have given up this week. I would have taken the easy way out and gone back to denial.

Today is the first day in a week where I have laughed a true laugh. I have enjoyed time with my family setting up the Christmas tree, and I haven't felt the need to chat to a counsellor. I have gone through one more dark storm and made it out the other side.

I can focus more on healing than on not breaking down.

Thank you everyone for your responses. I will be referring to them constantly until I feel I don't need to anymore. Once that happens, I will be in a happier life where I can deal with things better and appreciate myself.

Re: Years of childhood abuse

Summer Rose — Thu, 01 Dec 2022 20:10:15 GMT

Hi Sej

Thank you so much for sharing how positive your communication and latest psych appointment was for you. I am so relieved and happy for you!

There is no doubt a way to travel down this road you’re on, but you are off to a great start. From my experience, it’s going to take time and commitment. But you are so worth the effort.

Something precious was taken from you as a child. This was not your fault and it should never have happened. Hugs to you.
But now you have an opportunity to heal and reclaim the opportunity to live your best life. This is what’s at the end of the road. And it’s worth fighting for.
I believe you will get there and know that this community will walk with you. Please post any time. You are not alone, lovely💜

Kind thoughts to you

Re: Years of childhood abuse

smallwolf — Mon, 05 Dec 2022 21:16:43 GMT

Sounds like you might have reached a turning point. And it seems you also have a good relationship with your psych. And you are also seeing a psych and want to make changes which is also great. Not everyone is like that. When you said you cried because of your loss of childhood that struck a chord in me. The response from the psych* was wonderful. The journey you are on now ... there will likely be ups and downs; one thing to remember is that to get to top of a mountain you might have to go into a valley before you go up again. That's OK. You are still higher than when you started. And we will all be here when you post.

Re: Years of childhood abuse

Sej — Wed, 21 Dec 2022 17:52:42 GMT

The last week was amazing until last night. Another forgotten memory came to me. It is like when I finally feel like I am on the right track, I am slapped off it again.

Going back to twice weekly therapy has been much better for me. I don't have to try and fight my thoughts for as long. I had therapy yesterday, and it went great. We discussed our plans. We discussed the break we will be having due to the office she works at closing over Christmas. We made a plan if my thoughts turned in a bad direction again. I really felt like I was moving forward. Then the memory came back.

I guess on the bright side, it is one less now for me to be disgusted and sick over as what happens whenever one returns.

I was feeling really positive. I hadn't needed to go on to Beyond Blue for a few days. I even stayed off last night after the memory returned. I just couldn't tonight. Typing makes it easier to cope.

Thank you again for your support. To have people who understand the emotional roller-coaster, the trauma and the pain is a really good coping mechanism. It sucks that we are all going through this though.

Re: Years of childhood abuse

Summer Rose — Fri, 09 Dec 2022 23:36:19 GMT

Hi Sej

I know the experience of getting knocked “off the track”. It’s tough but try to keep it in perspective, a set back that is unfortunately common to healing.

Your plan to deal with this type of event and preparing for the Christmas break is excellent. And remember the bb support line is staffed with counsellors 24/7 and we are here too.

You are doing great and you will get through this. I realise you may already know this, but please try to remember the disgust is not yours. It never was and it will never be.

Kind thoughts to you

Re: Years of childhood abuse

smallwolf — Sat, 10 Dec 2022 06:59:53 GMT

hello,

please note I am not trying to tell you what to do ....it's ok to come here a type away and write your thoughts or look in the social section of the forums. I hope you don't feel as though you only need to come to the forums when things are bad. Or did you mean talking to people from beyond blue? Guess what I am trying to say is that we are all here for you (and each other).

Re: Years of childhood abuse

Sej — Wed, 21 Dec 2022 17:53:09 GMT

I meant from chatting (Web chat as I am still getting over major trust issues) to the bb counsellors. I went on the forum and read stories / learnt other coping strategies from other people. But, I didn't feel like I needed counselling by bb. I am trying to stop myself from doing the web chat as often as I was. If I can go one week without it, it is great for me.

The forum has been a wealth of information and support. I read a lot of it. To read how far people have come inspires me to keep pushing on. To see people fall like I do, makes me feel like I'm not alone. I am so glad this forum exists.

The trust issues have absolutely nothing to do with the counsellors on Bb. It has to do with a Psychologist I saw 4 years ago, who basically told me to suck it up, whilst I was having a breakdown in her office over work placebullying. She said "that is what it is like working there, here is a pamphlet on how to deal with stress " She made me lose all my trust. My Psychologist now has worked so hard to rebuild that, and I still struggle talking with her. I find emailing better. In saying that, on Monday I will be attempting to tell her my most recent memory that came back verbally, not via email. It is going to be hard.

Re: Years of childhood abuse

Ggrand — Sun, 11 Dec 2022 05:08:54 GMT

Hello Dear Sej,

I am so sorry you went through abuse as a child, I also survived sexual, physical, emotional abuse as a child and also in my marriage….I held everything inside while the abuse continued, then when my husband of 38 years passed away, it wasn’t long until I had breakdowns, ended up in hospital and diagnosed with PTSD along with a few other mental illnesses…..

I can relate to your post of diving down quickly to the depth of depression with a PTSD trigger….(forgotten memory)…they are really hard to get back from…my heart goes out to you dear Sej….It’s important to try hard to distract those triggered memories as quick as we can…I know it’s hard to do, I struggle so hard at times to do that when I get pushed down into really bad lows…the memories and feelings are so real….it’s like it’s happening all over again….I try to tell myself I’m safe now…no one can hurt anymore…. but my damaged soul doesn’t….I try hard to distract those thoughts and feelings by listening to music, listening to a sleep story…anything to divert my thoughts away from being triggered back it time…

Sej, you are a survivor of childhood abuse, a beautiful person with a lovely soul…please try to be kind to yourself, being gentle, kind and caring to ourselves is a big step forward…in our mental health….our soul has been damaged by hurtful mean abusers but no way is our soul broken…we need to nourish it by being kind to ourselves….

You are not alone dear Sej, here is a wonderful and an amazing place, that’s helped me and so many other people….so very much…The forums are full of kind and caring community members…..you are also inspiring others to keep moving forward….

I am so happy for you, that your psychologist cares about you…good luck on Monday…you can do this dear Sej….I believe in you..

Thinking of you with kindness and care…

Grandy….

Re: Years of childhood abuse

Sej — Sun, 18 Dec 2022 13:28:50 GMT

Does anyone else feel like they are just going through the motions of life. You know you should laugh, and you do, you should interact, and you do, but the real you is almost a 3rd party. This is how I have been feeling. My in laws arrived today, and I love them to death, and I should be excited, but I can't feel that way. My daughters 17th birthday is tomorrow, and I couldn't even get enthusiastic about purchasing gifts and made myself do it. Christmas is coming, and meh, not fussed.

It is like I am existing in this life, like a robot, programmed to do the right emotion but feel blank inside.

I hope this makes sense.

On a different topic, I froze the other day. I heard someone breathe and talk exactly like my grandfather. I wanted to run, get to safety, but froze. He was the one who abused me. He is dead, but this made me feel like I was back in time.

Re: Years of childhood abuse

Summer Rose — Tue, 20 Dec 2022 19:14:57 GMT

Hi Sej

I’m really sorry you were triggered to remember your abuser. That must have been really difficult for you. I can only imagine how overwhelming the fear would have been. Hugs to you.
I can relate to feeling that you are just going through the motions of life. It’s not a great feeling, and I’m sorry you’re dealing with this.

I don’t know if Christmas is playing a role in this for you, but for many people it’s a stressor. In any event, it’s a time for you to take extra good care of yourself with all that you’re experiencing.

Making sure you get plenty of rest, eating well and exercising (walking in nature helps me) might be helpful. Hang in there.

Kind thoughts to you

Re: Years of childhood abuse

Sej — Wed, 21 Dec 2022 17:53:39 GMT

Thank you Summer Rose for your reply. Christmas is a bit of a trigger. I feel like I have to talk to my mother that day. Add to that, it is my birthday today, so she will call up and do the false happy birthday.

I have been thinking of the positives this year today. I didn't follow through on my horrible thoughts. I got out of a job where it was toxic and full of bullying. I am trusting psychologists now, and that has lead me to trust bb.

I have the support of the forum now. I don't feel so alone as I am now reading about people who have gone through similar to me.

I am determined to not let this emptiness ruin today for my family. They have worked hard to make it special for me.

My workmates shouted me a coffee and we had morning tea. I love my job now. Why I didn't leave my toxic workplace earlier I will never know!!.

Thank you to everyone who has replied to my post. I have cried over the responses, and they are helping me to fight. You are all amazing. The bb counsellors are very kind and helpful. I think I have been bugging them a lot this last few weeks (thank you for not making me feel bad for contacting).

Today is going to be all about positivity now 🙂 .

Re: Years of childhood abuse

Summer Rose — Wed, 21 Dec 2022 09:52:50 GMT

Hi Sej

Happy birthday!

I think it’s a real testament to your strength and character that you have been able to focus on all your positives of this year, despite your low mood and challenges. You can add that to your impressive list of achievements!

I really hope that you and your family had an awesome day. But, even if it wasn’t exactly as you hoped, it’s okay. Remember the positives, you have a family, they love you and everyone tried their best.

Same goes for Christmas. Don’t put too much pressure on yourself, just do your best. No one can do more than that.

Kind thoughts to you

Re: Years of childhood abuse

Sej — Mon, 23 Jan 2023 17:26:47 GMT

It has been a while since I updated. I thought I was on the road to recovery and looking forward to the new year. New years day everything went crap. Since then, all this has happened:

-I disowned a family member for something horrible. It has triggered so many memories.

- I found out my mother lied at my child abuse court case, which I was led to believe I lost the case. Another family member I am looking at disowning.

- We had to put our cat down last monday due to kidney damage.

- I got covid last monday and have been off work since.

My therapist wants me to work on validating myself. It has caused an internal war. My brain is saying you deserved everything stop this validating crap.

2023 stinks so far. We are going on holidays at the end of this week (no longer contagious), and I can't get remotely excited.

Re: Years of childhood abuse

Eagle Ray — Mon, 23 Jan 2023 14:55:07 GMT

Dear Sej

I’m so sorry for the things that have happened this year so far. It’s no wonder you are feeling low.

It would have been an upsetting shock to find out about the court case. I really feel for you. Deciding to separate from certain family members can bring up a lot of grief, even though you are making such a decision in your own best interests. It’s not easy emotionally and I really empathise.

I think I may understand about what you mean about an internal war in relation to self-validation (feel free to correct me if I’m wrong). I think those of us who experienced abuse, especially in childhood, internalised the idea we deserved it. We had to try to believe the adults responsible to us weren’t completely wrong and somehow it felt safer to take the blame ourselves, if that makes any sense? And then we grow up with the shame of thinking we deserve bad stuff happening to us, even if our rational brain knows otherwise. So being encouraged to self-validate can actually feel uncomfortable and bring parts of ourselves into conflict.

I think it’s important to be really gentle with yourself given all you been through and are continuing to process. Perhaps you could bring up the discomfort with self-validation with the psychologist who sounds very kind and supportive. I think gradually in time you begin to grow the part of yourself that loves yourself unconditionally and knows you never deserved what happened to you in the past.

I’m so sorry for the loss of your cat too. Animals can be such healing and special companions for us and so it’s really tough when they go. I hope that although you aren’t excited about the holiday it might be an opportunity to find some rest and time to be really kind and gentle to yourself and recover a bit from 2023 so far. Take care and post whenever you feel the need to.