topic Re: PTSD and my partner in PTSD and trauma

PTSD and my partner

Toby1977 — Sun, 02 Oct 2022 02:54:43 GMT

Hi everyone, I’m here to ask for advice and help and some points of view on my situation I am currently in with my partner. We have been in a relationship since April and we fell in love the right way and it was and is still beautiful in my eyes. We have had some tragedy’s along the way her father passed away after a long term illness he succumbed to in July. So clearly this has added to her problems revolving ptsd. She is a childhood ptsd trauma sufferer and I knew of this early on but I did not know much about it until the last month as it’s starting to affect our relationship. I first noticed that communication was not happening and I questioned this with no answer and I have to say that is hard to deal with when you don’t understand. I was and have been polite and caring in regards to asking what is happening, as when things are amazing and all of a sudden go like that you think that the relationship is all of a sudden in trouble and you are standing there wondering why as nothing has really happened. Over the last month this has gotten worse and she asked for space in which I was not really around her a lot in that time so I honoured and respected and I’d this. She came to me eventually and it was lovely to reconnect again, things seemed great again. But now things seemed to have gotten worse, she is saying she only likes her me time and it was heartbreaking to hear she, then spoke with me on the phone and said we just need to slow things down a bit and I honoured her wishes again. I hardly sent texts just occasionally to say goodnight and hope your day was good nothing else in between. She would do the same, I noticed if I was busy and didn’t text that she would randomly text and say she loves me. This is all so very confusing for me and the worst was last night, I have noticed a decline in my own mental health in which I have seemed out help with anxiety I’m going through now and this situation is making it worse especially when this is happening with the person I love and loves me. Yesterday she text me to ask for help to put together some furniture and asked me to bring her some food she felt like so I’ did as I love and care for her very much and wanted to see her I hadn’t seen her since Tuesday night so it was 4 days and I missed her a lot I didn’t say this though in case she thinks I’m needy in which case I’m not.

Re: PTSD and my partner

white knight — Sun, 02 Oct 2022 06:03:16 GMT

Hi, welcome

It's not an easy one because we dont know what she feels. So going on your account of events and communication I'd suggest when someone says "I need space" it could be for a multitude of reasons from wanting out to having another person interest to just finding themselves.

The question imo is not on her to answer, it could be on you- that you're the one thats left with the work, the working out on the right approach

. For a relationship to work successfully you have to have tolerance, be flexible, trusting and compatible. Assuming no alternative/inappropriate plans on her behalf it sounds like her needs for space is reflective of her medical condition. In that case you need to pull out all efforts to support her and in that briefcase is "space". A relationship has a number of gambles along its journey, in this case you could give her space only to find out months later that her main issue was her feelings that you both arent right for each other. That kind of result would be heart breaking but such gambles are life in the dating/relationship game. It makes it harder when she is silent, silence can be a barrier the person feels due to their mental state but silence used as a weapon is abuse, not guessing here just be aware if you feel the silence is to punish you, then it is unacceptable. Mental illness aside, adults are suppose to talk about issues amicably but in the case of MI often we shut down and dont mean harm.

So how do you support her in the most effective way? Everyone is different with this. Some people respond with humility. Eg She texts you telling you she loves you. A 🙂 emoji could be all she wants, any further texting might be an overload. Others just want to know you are not going to run from the relationship, that you are there through thick and thin and need answers.

Then there is the reverse. With a GF with PTSD it means you will have times when she isnt strong for you when trauma arrives in your life. That one sided aspect of your life can be a difficult thing to analyse.

So I've given some suggestions and displayed the complexities that is a mere taste of what a trained counsellor might offer. I think a counsellor would help you both no end actually. Good luck.

https://www.verywellmind.com/stress-from-caring-for-someone-with-ptsd-2797408

TonyWK

Re: PTSD and my partner

Toby1977 — Sun, 02 Oct 2022 21:46:22 GMT

Thank you very much Tony I appreciate your advice and also a different view on this for me. I just read the entire article you posted as well very helpful thanks. I think for the last two weeks that I have reached out here and also done some research online about this quite a lot actually I understand exactly now. Makes it slightly easier BUT, it’s tough in the fact that she will say hurtful things and then the next day it’s as if nothing happened and it’s smoothed over very confusing from the caring partners aspect. I love this woman with everything I have and explained to her that means everything that comes along with it. Self care for myself and her, seeing my family, mates and doing my hobbies really helps and the same goes for her. She had a face mask at the beauty salon Tuesday afternoon and felt great about herself and called me to come around for dinner what a difference that little bit of self love can make. Same as when her girlfriends picked her up for a surprise overnight wine tasting trip, she came back that woman who adores me! I’m a very understanding and caring person so learning what I need to do and your help also Tony will make a huge difference.

Re: PTSD and my partner

ecomama — Sun, 02 Oct 2022 22:36:13 GMT

Omg Toby, you are THE sweetest partner anyone could ever hope for!

I read through your whole thread and felt the deep love and caring you have for your partner!!!!

She is one very lucky girl. Hugs for how difficult this terrain is for you. You are amazing.

Gosh she's dealing with a lot RIGHT at this moment.
PTSD is a TON on it's own.
Add recent deep grief over the passing of a PARENT... huge.
One of my marriages broke up in the aftermath of this for me (it was me who had undiagnosed PTSD and heavy grief)...

I LOVE that you joined the forums and wow.... having Tony WK catch you on joining, what a priceless gift that is lol. Hey Tony!!

Toby, you're doing great.
Remind yourself "Oxygen on self first"... you know like in an aeroplane during turbulence? Our first instinct is to save our loved ones BUT we need to work hard to change this thinking.
SELF first.

The stronger and more capacity YOU build within yourself to be independent of her ebbs and floes, the more likely you'll BOTH be able to weather the storms of life.

MAINTAIN your network. 100%.

Brene Brown has BEAUTIFUL books on how to live a whole hearted life.
Her lists on this are incredible.
She has a Netflix special that perhaps you and GF can watch together.... I've watched and listened to it around 30 times lol!
It's called "The Call to Courage". She's been a researcher for decades and gave a GIFT to the world by coming out of the lab to share it all with us.
She also has sterling YouTube Ted Talks and other chats with creators.
Her BOOKS are incredible.

Happy you have a therapist too.
Love EMxxxx

Re: PTSD and my partner

Toby1977 — Sun, 02 Oct 2022 23:14:28 GMT

Thank you Em! I really appreciate your heart warming reply to me, lovely words and thank uoso very much! Yes it is unknown territory for me but because I love this woman I am going to be there for her no matter what and now that I understand more about the illness it will do wonders and mostly being patient and being there when needed. I will have to check those out thank you!

Re: PTSD and my partner

Toby1977 — Tue, 04 Oct 2022 03:13:44 GMT

So last night when she got home from work she text me omg! Brutal day at work 🤦‍♂️ To which I replied oh no hope your ok darlin? Yes I’m ok just a lot of anxiety! I told her to have a bath or read her books or jump in the shower and watch a streaming service some of her favourite things to do. She just replied with 🥹. I also said to make sure he has a good feed then get some rest please that was about 6.30pm the last messages back and forth. She didn’t text again until about 11.30pm just saying she is so confused with life, which is common for ptsd sufferers I have found especially when overwhelmed, but I also found out more slowly her medication had run out and she drank wine on Saturday which in turn flushed it out of her system. Bringing back the anxiety tied to ptsd back like a floodgate poor girl. So I said darlin do you think you should see your doctor, she phoned her doctor this morning and her script is being faxed across and I will pick it up for her later on. That to me is a huge step, I did say to her to let me know how she was feeling when she awoke and that I’m here for her for the long haul, nothing pressuring at all just supporting, making some progress 💕

Re: PTSD and my partner

white knight — Tue, 04 Oct 2022 06:28:35 GMT

I'm so happy you have learned so much here and EM thankyou for your kind words and support for this great guy.

TonyWK

Re: PTSD and my partner

ecomama — Tue, 04 Oct 2022 08:33:25 GMT

Wow Toby, your support is so kind, caring and understanding.
Hey Tony, our White Knight indeed, you're awesome. Hugs.

Toby, PTSD can manifest in different ways for different people and I see the symptoms as across a spectrum.
Her "spectrum" my not be a wild as mine were, (mine used to be just like movies portray.... awful... a lot better now due to therapy)... we don't know yet.

I know 100% you want to care for her like any wonderful partner does with someone they love.
She may really need this on the spot care at times.
At the same time, it's going to stand you in good stead to be able to empower her to make her own decisions... gosh it's like me Counselling YOU to be a Counsellor and neither of us are qualified lol.

Basically, my analogy is one used with me before.
A healthy relationship is observable when each person can stand alone independently and then connect, much like the goal posts in AFL (lol yep that's the analogy that was used).
GF needs more than only you (and I'm super happy to see you directed her kindly to call her GP!! Then I'm super proud of her DOING that! omg wow)... her therapists and any other medical and MH professionals she needs to support her will hopefully empower her to health in all areas.

I'm trying not to get too jargon like.
But.... I will! Your boundaries need watching mainly because you're so sweet, loving and generous.

Please "check in" with your own self regularly to see what your energy levels are like. It's really important to keep healthy within yourself.

I'm sorry to say that oftentimes when we're supporting someone with any long term health issues, we, as the carers can sink low too. (I'm caring for my own children post trauma too).
The very BEST advice I've been given, which frankly I thought was gobshite lol... but WORKED, is for the carer to DO SELF CARE and tons of it!

You modelling healthy self-care and receiving the benefits is the best model for GF also.
Like synergy, it works.

So happy to have you on the forums Toby, you're so smart too lol,
Love EM

Re: PTSD and my partner

Toby1977 — Fri, 07 Oct 2022 16:24:41 GMT

🤗Thank you Em I couldn’t agree more with what you have said in your last reply. Apologies for my late reply but I have been busy with my job this past week. Fantastic news now is that she reaches out to me quite frequently, where as before she did not do this! Three times this past week, she sent me a text quite late it was just her saying that she is so confused with life, (she has no reason to be, great job, relationship and friends). Which I know now is part of the ptsd symptoms, plus along with not knowing what a sufferer needs is linked with this also when that cycle starts for someone. I asked how she was feeling as a text that late had me worried I did so the same as always, caring ,concerned and understanding. She mentioned her anxiety being high and unable to know where it is coming from. I said would you like me to come make you a cup of tea and can just sit with you make sure your ok, we don’t have to talk or do anything? She said I will have a shower and see you soon lol She had reached out earlier with a simple 🥹 when she said she was so tired after work, I told her to read her book, take a bath or have a shower pjs and watch tv. After her reaching out later in the night I did realise that simple emoji was her reaching out but couldn’t directly say it. I did say to her I’m here for her anytime always, I had to be up for work at 3.15 am but I will do this if it helps her get through. And trust me I caught up on the sleep, my self care is great, I see my buddy often, regular contact with my parents, sister and family. I do my regular walks and go fishing all my hobbies in my down time when my partner is working and to make sure I’m taking care of myself. Also I have reached out to my company’s employee assistance program and I’ve had two sessions with a qualified Counsellor and she is also a relationship expert. Doing wonders for me as I explained that my partner does suffer from ptsd, I have even more information now and feel I’m equipped to handle this and it feels so much easier now. I love my partner very much and anyone who truly loves someone will stick by them and adjust, it is not our partners fault they have this cruel affliction. Have a great weekend guys and thanks again 🙏🤗

Re: PTSD and my partner

Toby1977 — Fri, 07 Oct 2022 16:33:46 GMT

I forgot to say that after work on Thursday, I came home had a shower and got changed then to a text message of could you please cook us a lamb roast for dinner lol It was really cute to me and also made me a little sad as she wanted to cook this for us. I knew she’d been struggling the last few weeks to hop out of bed and it was her day off and now my two days off work Friday and Saturday. So I went shopping and cooked a roast lamb and roast vegetables for us all, it cooked up great by the way 😂 Needless to say my partner and her two sons enjoyed it very much! Made me happy, because I know how tired she gets from not only her job, but on top off this crushing depression, anxiety and ptsd and it’s hard for her to get the energy most of the time. So I’m happy in the fact that she has had a healthy meal of meat and vegetables 😊 plus I love cooking anyway and hadn’t made that for a while 😂

Re: PTSD and my partner

Toby1977 — Sat, 08 Oct 2022 04:51:26 GMT

Em I just had a couple more questions regarding ptsd and some symptoms. I have read through online searches on medical pages etc that some symptoms include, being confused, not knowing where a person suffering ptsd is in life when having high anxiety etc Also that some people with ptsd don’t like talking about the future as they will look at it as it’s doomed to fail and can be a trigger is this all true? I just wanted to ask these questions 😊

Re: PTSD and my partner

ecomama — Sat, 08 Oct 2022 07:12:06 GMT

Hi Toby, I read back on your posts....

Just to qualify, I'm not the knower of all PTSD symptoms lol, merely my own and that's possibly said tentatively as my own symptoms can "morph". Certainly improved!!

So from now on, please remind yourself that I'm merely speaking from my own experiences. Simultaneously, I'm happy to help if possible.

I did get a "ping" when you said way back that she felt "confused".
Mmm this hasn't been my experience.

Tbh also talking of the future, with my kids and my BF who lives in the U.S., made me feel relief, not anxiety. Perhaps even JOY and a feeling of hope that I'd one day experience happiness.

What I'm trying to say is that not ALL things she's feeling, and possibly not by a long shot even, can be put down to PTSD. We are unique in our experiences.

If I was speaking to GF, I would suggest she seek a Psychologist who specialises in Trauma therapy, mine used Exposure Therapy and was freaking brilliant for my journey towards better mental health. Because!!... what she did with me was follow the triggers way back with humps and obstacles lol... to the root person, each time. Basically I had 2 on what I would call Level Hell lol.... then a few more lesser harmful perps up a level or 2...
I only had 4 useful sessions, stopped at the 5th BUT I have done Universes of my own study PLUS have a brilliant Counsellor ongoing.

Grounding throughout was really important, I'm pretty good at this.

Well done on the Roast Lamb and Veg! Hahaha.
Love EM

The thing this Psych said was that she was SO surprised that I didn't have depression (didn't score as having it on the measurements she used). I was her first patient in her practice to have Complex PTSD and not depression. Hence with other patients she usually spends up to 18 months!! Treating their depression before any therapies for PTSD is made possible for her.
Wow huh?

Re: PTSD and my partner

Toby1977 — Sat, 08 Oct 2022 07:36:06 GMT

Thank you for sharing that with me Em I really appreciate that ☺️ Yes it’s true it’s different for everyone when it comes to mental health and any symptoms I guess, plus combined with other pressures in life, family, work, day to day things etc I feel it does make it different for everyone. Also with me asking some things I am covering all areas to be fully prepared to handle any situation in this relationship and be there for her as I’ve already stated. She knows I’m here, also not pressuring just supporting and being there whenever she needs me and she knows this 😀 She hasn’t gone to her GP yet so I’m hoping she does, her sons have mentioned that they have noticed her being angry at little things etc And she mentioned this to me the other day so it should help her seek out her therapist and as I said she has suffered this from childhood so she knows what she is doing, just her life has been super hectic as all our lives are but having a supporting partner is something she isn’t used to and that’s what I bring and have brought the last 6 months together. She has been in abusive relationships both physical and psychologically the poor darlin 😢

Re: PTSD and my partner

Toby1977 — Sat, 08 Oct 2022 07:41:04 GMT

She even said to me last weekend she has never been with a caring guy before ever which is so sad and it makes me love her even more, she is just struggling right now and as a partner it’s tough to see and experience as you want to help, but not pressure, do the right thing and keep your boundaries to its a viscous thing indeed I must say. She loves me very much and I know this, I’ve been her rock through the toughest time in her life the past 6 months and will continue to be that 😊

Re: PTSD and my partner

ecomama — Sat, 08 Oct 2022 22:51:19 GMT

Dear Toby,
I know you want to be prepared for anything and I know you care deeply about GF.

Just a headsup I've been far too frank in many threads, tact is usually my approach IRL but online it's trickier.

I doubt it's possible to be prepared for any eventuality but I admire you educating yourself as much as possible.

The ping I mentioned about her "confused" talk, is a gut instinct thing for me (& many women most especially). Feeling confused is the first sign of an abusive relationship.
She may be feeling "love bombed" by you?
This would ping her instincts as it's used by abusers to draw their victims in.

If you aren't an abusive personality type, then she needs to LEARN the difference.
CLARITY is the opposite of confusion imo.
She needs to aim for clarity.

Hence I mentioned her seeking Trauma therapy, most esp exposure therapy.
I'm not saying this would solve this for her, but if she made it an AIM in therapy to learn the difference then yeah it could.

I'd attended an 8 - 10 week Course at the local Women's Health Centre called "Breaking Free" for victims of DV.
The information I learnt THERE caused paradigm shifts in my thinking. Plus literally YEARS of online study & books I'd read.
This was 3y before I was formally diagnosed with C-PTSD but I knew I had it, I had to avoid Psychs for this diagnosis as I was heading towards Courts - didn't realise it would be 5y of legal stuff but it was.

My diagnoses so far (hopefully ALL!) are C-PTSD, ADHD and depression, the latter is managed well. They're probably all managed well with no meds.

GF could have more diagnoses than only PTSD, IDK.
The stress of even seeing a Psych and finding out this stuff THEN getting treatment is huge.
I'm concerned she hasn't seen or booked her GP as a starter, since she said she would.

Re: PTSD and my partner

Toby1977 — Sun, 09 Oct 2022 22:47:11 GMT

Hey Em I’m the opposite of what she has had in the past, she has always been in abusive relationships and very bad one’s psychologically. I haven’t love bombed her, we both say it to each other maybe a few times a week, she knows I’m not anything like her previous partners and that’s what matters most to me because she knows it. She fully trusts me and I the same, falling asleep on my chest frequently one would assume she feels safe and she should 😊

Re: PTSD and my partner

Toby1977 — Mon, 24 Oct 2022 20:42:43 GMT

Hi em she broke it off with me last night, for no reason we have never had a single arguement, she said she cannot love me the same as I love her and was so cold I got upset a few times as she talked on the phone with me for about an hour as she initially did it via text after 3 days ago saying she loves me and also twice during our conversation where I reminisced about our 7 months together heartbroken I’m at work right now and just struggling like you wouldn’t believe. I’ve cried each time I woke up last night, and a few times at work this morning super tough 😢😭….

Re: PTSD and my partner

Croix — Tue, 25 Oct 2022 10:30:32 GMT

Dear Toby 1977~

I'l l tell you about how I felt when PTSD, depression and anxiety was at its worst, perhaps this is what oyu are up against.

Firstly. By now you have taken great steps to try to understand the person you love and have given unflagging support throughout very great mood changes. On of the reasons it is so hard is that words and actions do not have their usual meanings, and being told of love, then of there being no love can be taken to heart as each occurs, wiht resultant hope followed by heartbreak.

You would think a simple wholesome meal can't realy be misunderstood and can either be neural in its effect or even do good. Sadly predictability is not there nearly as much as you might assume or need. I could have been grateful, or sad I could not respond properly, or even resentful.

For I did not understand myself, my actions were a mystery to me. It was as if I stood on one side of a glass partition with me on the other side. I watched me and wondered at my behavior. Mostly I'd less idea of why I did things than you would expect. I was also out of of touch with me, I did not know who I loved, or even if I could love. I did not trust others -or myself.

This was by no means constant, at times I'd respond well to care and support from my partner, at other times exactly the same thing would result in me wanting to be away and alone - at that time I had no room in my mind to deal with anyone.

Why I was not constant I'll never know. I do know as time went on things improved, though why my partner stayed with me I can only wonder. When she understood my actions were symptoms it made her life a little easier, but being told "I've no feelings for you" tears at the heart, irrespective of if it is a symptom or not.

I could have stayed in that cold state and found it easier than try to recover. Fortunately due to love, support, therapy and medication - plus time - I've recovered to an amazing amount and can love and support in my turn now.

I'm trying ot let you know a possible set of things you might be dealing with -as EM rightly says we are all different. Maybe my experience is irrelevant, dunno.

It is easy to assume we are a bottomless well of strenght to support someone we love, we are not. Please look after yourself

Croix

Re: PTSD and my partner

Toby1977 — Thu, 27 Oct 2022 03:09:29 GMT

Hi Croix thank you so much for sharing that I really appreciate it. Your story has given me a perspective that I hadn’t read about online through my research, it’s actually helped me understand what has happened with my now ex partner and how it is affecting her. I hadn’t spoken to her for 2 days after the breakup but I needed to get some closure as I’ve had none and to get some things off my chest, all respectfully and calmly same as I always have been and very understanding. It was a bad idea because all I had as a response was “you don’t understand how I’m feeling” also “you think I’m being cold and have zero concerns for you when you actually don’t know my feelings” 😢

Re: PTSD and my partner

Toby1977 — Thu, 27 Oct 2022 03:10:59 GMT

And yes forgot to say we are not bottomless wells of support I’m usually solid as a rock as I’ve dealt with my own mothers major depression for the last 10 years, my own anxiety issues and my 11 year old daughters. But no…. I was not prepared for this at all 😢